Dark Humor

Lets try some seriously dark dark humor. Lets find what lurks in the hearts of men.

My Kid: I was adopted.
Me: We wouldn't have picked you.

Oedipus: <whilst banging his wife> You remind me of my mom.

What do you call Rock Hudson in a wheelchair?
Rollaids

What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before the launch?
You feed the dog, I will feed the fish.

Some I found from searching web:

What's worse than a baby in a dumpster?
A baby in 2 dumpsters.

If we had mosquito nets in Africa we could save millions of mosquitos from getting AIDS.

Down syndrome in military is called special forces.

Mom told me to eat my vegetables, now where do I put the wheelchairs.

Whoever thought white men can't jump obviously never watched the 9/11 footage.

So there is this discussion about killing children in code. Someone pops in with this:
"I do remember a post from a guy who actually got pulled into an HR talk, to ask why he'd littered the code with references to killing children and removing children from their parents. Imagine trying to explain to a person who's never programmed, that Kill(parent.child)is a perfectly standard phrasing and not a latent psychosis that should be reported to the police."

First I think who is the idiot that reported this? Then I think who is the HR idiot that didn't do a google search or talk to the software manager? So many people had to fail at basic thinking for this to get this far.

Then I think also. Two things can be true at the same time. The person writing this code could also harbor latent desires to kill children. But can hide their sickness in plain sight. CS could just be a place for psychopaths to talk about the true serial killer thoughts.

I was wondering what this would look like. Maybe the psycho programmer will allocate extra hidden children that will get created and destroyed without anyone knowing the better. Maybe they only need 10 children for the code, but they allocate 100. That is 90 children they can create and destroy that only they know about.

Is balancing a tree really about cycles to read the data? Or is this some sort of karma balancing with latent desires to add or remove children with different karma leanings? Linked lists? Obviously only a psychopath would make a singly linked list.

Then I read posts on devrant and think there is probably at least one psychopath here that looks up to Anakin. We know you are here! You can't hide forever.

We have a bug.

I fixed it, then I said it was a super tricky bug, a race condition in the library code, and that I had to put on an issue and wait for their answer.

Boom, day off.

God I'm a genius.

Tester mentions deployment failing, I go check. Strange terraform is exiting with a failure.

Mention that there is an error with infra code. PM comes in "HURDUR it's not broken". Literally, terraform saying error and exiting with status code 1 causing the whole deploy pipeline to fail is not broken, sure buddy.

When you don't get enough kiki in your life: https://devrant.molodetz.nl/kiki.mp...

Sorry Kiki for ddossing your site for a few days :P But it was great example content to work with.

If someone is interested, the URL in the browser won't work, it's a link to my laptop. It'll published within 2 days or something. Probably with some limitations OR a bit slower. Not sure yet.

a kubernetes engineer is the one who doubles his effort when he loses his aim.

i ain't gonna build a tetris game for a code test for a job that might force me to work in the office. fuck that shit. code tests are a retarded way of assessing candidates.

Pics are back!

I have almost 8 years of experience, am currently a tech lead in the company im at (a big known music and video streaming platform), i live and breathe tech...

and someone i interviewed for (in a 4 year old fintech startup) wants to put me in a mid level position because he "felt i lacked depth". apart from his feelings he failed to make me understand how I'm not senior enough for him.

so how do i become deep? what is this depth he speaks of?

Finished Napoleon Cat!

Get passive income guyz

They put extra boxes in job applications, so I wrote them jokes. Pity none accepted me. I guess I wouldn't want to work for such a non-diverse workplace anyways. 🥲

i wish i was a parrot so i could swear at people all i wanted and not get into trouble for it.

Getting your wisdom teeth out is no joke.

I feel like I ate a half a bowl of Captain Crunch.

So, four days ago I announced dr.molodetz.nl as a https proxy because the certificate is down. And i just did not check it for a few days. Without not being published anywhere, this are the usage statistics: https://devrant.molodetz.nl/Screens...

31Gb. Those are no jokes. The crawlers are like that these days. Every AI company has their own crawler now too. It's mayhem. 487.000 requests...

These github assholes really shat the fan when selling out to M$. I'm trying to access an open source project. I can't. Apparently I'm IP banned. I never go there beside to download software once in a while.

Motherfuckers.

So my towns 4th of July parade got rained on. It became the largest wet t-shirt contest I have ever seen.

It got a lot better toward the end as the rain let up. It ended up being a lot of fun this year. No sun burns either.

— I want to be the leading expert in a very complex and arcane field of software engineering that is only used by huge companies!
— Done!, says genie, as very detailed and extensive knowledge of how to program DVD menus is violently pushed into my brain.

met a new girl on tinder but shes in a wheelchair and cant walk. she dont know the demonic villain arc of a person that i have become because of my whore blond ex. she dont know what's coming 4 her

Finally got paid (apparently they sent my money to the wrong account lmao).

So I bought:

- A Guitar Rig Kontrol 3. It's an old hardware designed for some specific soft, but it contains a soundcard, 8 foot switches, one expression pedals (continuus), 2 other expression pedals input, 2 audio input, 2 audio output. So I'll be able to plug my guitar and control FX from there. All of this for 50 euros at the pawn shop

Being a programmer helped me tremendously for electronic music because I can write actual drivers for old hardware.

- I also found an old bike on the street. Brakes and transmission, seat and tyres are fucked, but the frame and wheels seems healthy enough. I can get a decent bike for the price of parts and labour.

What‘s the purpose of separating your code into "independent" modules if each module contains everything anyways?

Yeah turns out writing a shell is a whole lot more work than I thought

Fuck man, why can't I just find a cool project that is actually doable in a normal lifetime

I hate deprecations! Adopted a web project that was actively maintained until 2023, how can it already be so "legacy" that none of its npm scripts work anymore?

It's so not in the sun here, that my headphones stopped working. I guess I'll just go home again. Also, since I work with li-on batteries at the community service I'm a bit scared for my phone getting hot and stuff. We throw these batteries at eachother for a reason.

Still not paid. Bitch better have my money

Am I in a toxic work environment or not?

1. I suggested implementing some code guidelines for our team so we can all work the same way. Lead architect sends me a DM telling me to stop talking about it until after projectX is done because it might stress out other devs. Friday he talks about how important it is to use standardised tools and ways of doing things.
2. Spent a week working on a bug fix and they said solution is good, but then invalidated all of my work by DM-ing me saying it's unusable because i worked on wrong branch and he quickly fixed it over the weekend and I should just copy his (inefficient) code.
3. I ask him a basic question of what version the backend software is using and he doesn't even respond. I ask another team member who quickly helps me check. it would have taken 1 fucking integer to answer that question. i wanted to learn the backend stack, but not so much anymore.
4. Lead doesn't respond to project management software ticket mentions.
5. Lead randomly makes hotfixes to the QA server without prior notice so the backend randomly goes down at times during work hours and then my local copy of the front end stops working for no reason at all when I am trying to focus on bug fixes
6. UX/UI designer's screen designs look completely different than the actual app, so I spent weeks implementing a feature looking like his nice designs, then having to change it again, taking another week.
7. Generally poor comms
8. Leadership mentioned jobs are safe, then 2 months later retrenched a bunch of people.
9. People getting sick all of the time.
10. Nobody gives a shit about technical debt

I've just learned that some unicode codepoints (like 𘀀) are wider than 1 cell in a normal monospace terminal

Yay, i hecking love unicode
(i want to die)

Working on some linux shell/terminal stuff and chatgpt really is both a saint and a curse

It's super helpful but like half the stuff it tells me is just flat out wrong

Never forget to double check guys!

Modern smartphones: "Powerful", "marvelous", but corporate overlords dictate what you actually get to do with it.

They lock your bootloader and prevent you from installing third-party operating systems.[1] Now they are starting to block third-party app installation only in certain situations, but this will sure as hell escalate.[2]

They block you from using the MicroSD card properly or take away the memory card slot entirely, decide what you are allowed to screenshot[3], and they lock your user data (like browsing history and saved pages) away from yourself to "protect you" from imagined evils. But this "protection" is actually the curse.

They also refuse to implement features people ask for like always starting with the rear camera regardless of the last used camera[4] and let the user backed up saved pages[5]. Something as simple as turning the flashlight on and off while recording a video took over a decade for Samsung to implement when shouldn't have taken a single afternoon.

----

Sources:

[1] Xiaomi prevents unlocking the bootloader but graciously allows it seven days after purchase. I believe that as the buyer, you should be able to install any operating system you like.
[2] (added through edit, hence last) Since Android 16, Google blocks APK installations during phone calls, supposedly to protect against scammers. But if history teaches us anything, it means this will quickly escalate and end with APKs being blocked completely or only installable through ADB, which requires an external computer and a USB cable.
[3] Google and Apple let app developers block users from taking screenshots. This is, for example, used by WhatsApp to prevent screenshots of profile pictures, even though everyone knows one should not put something in a visible spot on the Internet that one does not wish to be preserved. I believe people should have the freedom to screenshot anything that appears on their screen, like desktop operating systems (Windows and Linux) do. The buyer deserves to have the final say on a device they paid for.
[4] https://r1.community.samsung.com/t5...
[5] https://forum.developer.samsung.com/...

What have I done today?

Nothing. Stayed naked all day and smoked weed.

Well I did my budget for the month and send my bills.

Tomorrow I'm paid.

Can't wait to receive my 8 strings guitar omg