rant, but not an IT kind... okay, maybe not even a rant, more like depressive rambling:

in 3 days, I'll turn 29.
i'm living with my mom, in the apartment where I was born, in the room i've been living since I was born (with the exception of 2 attempts to move out which together lasted 9 months).

my theoretical monthly income should/could be around 4000€, based on my skills and experience.

but I'm a (manic)-depressive, chronically lonely idiot loser (and the manic phases come more and more rarely in recent years), so
my practical average monthly income fluctuates from 0 to about 200.

i am unable to keep a job for more than 4 months, so after being fired from about 20 or so of them since I was 18, it takes immense amounts of mental and emotional energy to even start looking for one now... so I usually don't.

i've been about 12000€ in debt for the past 8 or so years, half of which is just debt collector fees.
it's kinda funny, for years, i've been unable to solve a debt which theoretically amounts to 3 months of my theoretical achievable salary.

my father, who just left without a word of explanation when I was 18, has decided this is not viable anymore, so I'm supposed to move out by 10th of next month, "either to some cheap rooming house, or under the bridge, I don't care", as he put it.

I can't remember how it feels to exist a single hour without feeling existential dread and dreading each next day, not knowing what to do or if i'll even be able to try and do something, because this feeling is so strong that it often blocks me from being able to do anything. i just shiver most of the time that i'm awake, feeling like you feel few minutes before puking and crying at the same time. and that feeling is my "how are you?", "you know... normal".

i can't remember what it feels to feel any other way and can't even imagine it, and can't imagine that I'll ever achieve any less shit feeling.

literally all of my social contact consists of going out once to twice a month with the only 2 friends and 2 aquaintances I have who have the time and will to spend it with me.
oh, and hiding in my room, avoiding talking to my mom, because each time we talk she just reminds me what a piece of shit failure I am, and tells me how it's not that hard to change it, I just have to stop being lazy and start working for it.

she's... kind and caring about it, which somehow maybe makes it even worse.

i have about 10 almost complete game designs, each of them at least 50% more original and interesting (at least to me) than the things that are coming out for the past 10 years, being lauded as "the most original and unique".

I have been trying to make them, ANY of them, since I was 18, but I always lose all the drive and resolve and energy in like 4 months, because it's like trying to build a city on my own on a deserted island. too big for one person, but there was never anyone to help me. closest I ever got was one of my friends telling me "i've been thinking many times that i'd love to work on some project with you, if I had the time".
and second time, when I actually found an artist I was going to pay, and he was awesome, and after two weeks of me telling him how awesome what he does is and how it fits the project and my ideas perfectly, he backed out saying "i'm afraid I can't do the quality you require from me".

never ever in my life did I get actual help with something I actually wanted or tried to do.

i have no idea how it feels to have someone working with me on something I actually consider interesting and meaningful, on any of the things which I wanted to make, which made me learn programming.

I've learned graphics and animation and everything going into game making pipeline on my own because I realized nobody will ever help me, so I'll have to do all of it on my own.

I've tried to make a kickstarter once, but I started crying hysterically in the middle of writing it, because I felt like a begging piece of failure shit, even more than usual, so I deleted it.

most of people treat me like shit failure unworthy and undeserving of living, precisely as I myself know I deserve to be treated, because that's what I am, but when I ask for permission to kill myself, since I see no other solution to stop being a burden, they get angry at me that I'm just emotionally blackmailing them. when I afterwards ask them "so help me in any way to do any of the projects i want/need to do", they respond they've got no time for that.

when I talk about all of this, I get told to stop whining.

happy 29th birthday, me, a piece of shit who should've never survived this long, who should've never been born in the first place.

also, I know this is not the kind of crap that's supposed to be posted here, but i've got nowhere else. sorry.

  • 2
    P.S. please, PLEASE, REALLY PLEASE, I know you mean well, but don't tell me any of that "hang in there, it'll get better" kind of shit. it doesn't work in any way anymore, just makes it worse.
  • 2
    P.P.S. devrant devs: your character limit counter is off. it reported "13 characters left" on the post, but "There was an error posting the rant", until I deleted a paragraph (the P.S. thing I put in the comment)
  • 2
    yes, i've tried "getting help".

    been to 3 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists, tried taking antidepressants.

    didn't help, and all of them except one (who doesn't have time, so it was a one-time session) were shit.

    also it's stupid to think you can help someone who's dying of thirst by finding someone who will talk to him about his feelings of dying of thirst, instead of giving them some fucking water.
  • 1
    @Floydian not sure I have enough time left, but thanks, I'll try that.
  • 0
    @SanitizedOutput too hard to describe in comment like this, but the one i currently feel is most viable (even for kickstarter) is an arena shooter... in zero g.

    movement based on swinging around asteroids. imagine Tribes if it were in zero g and each player was a spider-man.

    i got a video from when I was on the start of making prototype of the movement. haven't had time or energy to work on it since then, so it's shit containing almost nothing, except the movement which is hard to explain.

    basically only way players can move is when they're tethered on something (asteroid or other players) by changing their orbits around it.

    link to the video:

  • 2
    Clinical depression can also have to do stuff with brain transmitters. I don't mean "sadness", I mean "total emptiness".

    The upside is that this can be treated with SSRI medication. However, this requires lab tests whether this is the cause, and close medical attention from a doctor, and it is a slow process of some months.

    Additionally, light therapy has good reports.
  • 0
    @SanitizedOutput some other (less viable to be done in short-term) ones in the form of elevator pitch:

    -"first person survival horror communication simulator" - you are an ethologist on vacation in canadian wilderness when an alien crashes there. imagine "how to train your dragon", except with an alien, and his AI percieves what you do and creates his opinion on you based on that, and you build a relationship with it. needs more explanation, core idea is player has to learn to recognize alien's completely alien way of communicating and acting.

    -city pigeon simulator with story based on "Jonathan Seagull" by Richard Bach.

    core partially in flight simulation and survival, partially on exploration and interacting with the AI agents in your flock, making them like you/dislike you based on how you behave to them. uses pictographic language, got it whole designed.
  • 0

    -procedurally generated magic puzzle game: point is the magic is in a way "programming language" which enables you to (re)program parts of the physics rules of things or even the global ones.

    point is in puzzling out how the magic language works and what it does, it has a rigid logic behind it, it's aimed at people who love figuring out and learning unusual mechanics.

    i got the procedural puzzle generation system whole designed, and the magic system and language about 70% designed. this is... getting annoyingly cliché, but "dark souls of puzzle games", basically. came up with this one around 2010 i think.
  • 0

    oh, and what kind of help:

    3d art, programming, and marketing/community management for making and managing kickstarter and later contacting reviewers and youtubers (i've got a list of those who are suitable in their interests in audiences for each of the projects)
  • 1

    weed helps.

    after the initial high, it makes me feel like "this is how I should feel normally, how I think I felt normally long ago".

    except it's illegal here, and my mom, abstaining alcoholic, gets worried and judgmental when she sees me "happy" and able to work, because she automatically assumes (and she's often, but not always, right) i'm high, and she considers it a dangerous and destructive addiction, based on her former alcohol addiction, despite the fact that it enables me to actually function.
  • 0

    yeah, i know that in the video it looks like a buggy piece of shit unworthy of any attention. it really was just an initial mockup of the movement, to see if it makes sense and is any fun (and at least to me, it is), fixing the buggy visuals is what's currently waiting to be done, as a next step, then main weapon, then basic networking so I can test it out properly with actual opponents
  • 1
    @Midnigh-shcode I've also been in a somewhat similar state, until i discovered that I actually lacked "the ability to focus" on stuff. Some downs along the course of life and moreso my wife have gotten me on the right track. How are you in terms of women? You need a caring woman, just remember this: as soon as you find her, if she cares about you, all her kicks in the balls that you may perceive would most likely be her encouraging you to get your shit together.
  • 2
    Happy birthday, as per your request I won't try to console you.

    I've heard from people in similar situations (although shorter duration) that other forms of therapy have helped a lot, some mentioned here already such as light therapy, ssri, vitamin deficiency...

    A therapist isn't always the answer, sometimes it's a biological thing, maybe talk to your gp and get some tests done as well as talk about the possibilities concerning alternative therapies.

    I wish you all the best and hope to be able to contribute to your games if you ever put them on github or something, and if not I'll look forward to the day you get to where you wish to go.

    Looking forward to these projects you mentioned :)
  • 1
    Slap your mum around the fucking face and tell her that you are in control of your life. Not her. Don't take that "alcohol addiction" shit. If you are 29 and can't tell your mum "fuck off, they help me, it's nothing like alcohol which is well known to be poison, this is real medication, I'm not drowning my sorrows in drink like some, I'm trying to fix it"

    Then you need to start acting like an adult and take control of your life. Only you make your choices. Every single thing you ever do IS YOUR OWN CHOICE.
  • 0
    @Midnigh-shcode happy birthday!
    I love the idea of your Seagull game. I love the story. I read it when I was very young and it has inspired me a lot.
    Whenever I feel down or bummed (that's most of my time), I fall in a never ending pit of every little fuck up I've been in or caused. Sometimes the seagull story comes out to me again and it gives me the belief to fight back and rise up.
  • 0

    firstly, no experience in games is okay.

    i have lots. in design as well as coding them, as well as the whole pipeline.

    secondly, i love teaching game programming, so "all i can offer is free time" is perfectly fine, I could teach you along the way as we would be making the thing.

    thirdly, two unstable messes grouping up, trying to help each other, and trying to make a cool thing?

    sounds pretty poetic and worth a try to me.

    even if it were for the feeling that I'm not alone in it... in the instability mess, as well as in the project.
  • 1
    @Midnigh-shcode First of all: It's your life. You CAN and you DO great things. The average human can't even figure out how to make the washing machine work, you make *games*. Understood? Your game could be the next big game. Who knows? You have to live to finish them and to discover the future.

    Your mom just says shit based on her own trauma. But I'll deal with this some lines later. Your dad, though, is batshit insane because mental illness, wheter caused by carency of stuff or brain misfiring, is a fucking serious thing that must be fucking treated and you should be helped, not kicked out.

    As humans, we want to do things. That means we want to make art, which can be code or not; sports; everything. Even then your worthiness is not defined by the money you make or your "results": bad mental health can hinder a genius!

    Seek diagnoses for your problems, try meds and shower mom with medical evidence about therapeutic use of weed.

    Also feel free to message me.
  • 0
    @FMashiro i don't have a gp, or at least i don't know about it. except psychologists and psychiatrists last time I visited any other kind of doctor was... not sure when. i think at the final checkup after which you get unregistered from your teen-focused gp, because you're not a teen anymore.

    you see, part of my debts is from not paying health insurance, which means I'd have to pay for any visit to a doctor, which means... i don't have the money, surprisingly.
  • 2
    @wannabee "How are you in terms of women?"

    i don't even have money to take care of myself, how do you think I'm in terms of women? what women would care about me if I can't even pay for my own drink, let alone hers? where would I meet any if I can't even pay for my own drink, let alone hers? ;)

    except the two friends I mentioned, one of them is my best friend and platonic love which I would love to spend the rest of my life with as partners, and my second best friend is her boyfriend =D
  • 0
    @meladath "and tell her that you are in control of your life. Not her."

    am I? ^^

    living in her apartment, eating her food, smoking her cigarettes.

    your life is controlled by those who provide you with your basic needs.

    so she IS in control of my life.

    so of course I can't tell the person who's keeping me alive to fuck off.

    we already had many talks about the marijuana, there's no point. no way to change her mind, because "yes, i've been trying to justify my addiction like this too".

    "Then you need to start acting like an adult and take control of your life."

    i'm trying (and failing) to do that all the time, since I was 18.
  • 1

    no github. no opensource.

    but if you want to help, we can try and team up in some proper way.

    thanks, though :)
  • 1

    "The average human can't even figure out how to make the washing machine work, you make *games*. Understood?"

    understood very well... aware of this since ever very well...

    ...and what good has it been so far?

    it's only making me feel more shitty, like... how can I be smarter than at least 60% of earth's population while being more worthless and a loser than at least 90% of earth's population?

    "Your game could be the next big game. Who knows?"

    another point of my deppressions. I can't shake the feeling that it CAN be, if handled correctly. Made correctly. Marketed correctly.

    all of that requires not only energy and long-term drive which I don't have, but also money to live from while I make it, which I don't have.
  • 0

    "and you should be helped, not kicked out."

    he tried. one of the psychologists I went to was one which he specifically found and chose and convinced me to go there.

    funny it was the one who seemed he needs therapy more than I, completely burnt out, not even able to pretend he cares or really listens to what I'm saying.

    in his mind, he's been trying for years, but it didn't help, so he's going to end his futile attempts finally.

    "Even then your worthiness is not defined by the money you make or your "results""

    it is, at least from the viewpoint of society and nature and existence.

    i'm only worth as much, how much I contribute to the world.

    that's results. and money is a number telling you how valuable your results are (in general, if we ignore scammers and such).
  • 0

    "Seek diagnoses for your problems, try meds"

    burnt out on this already, after the years. as well as everyone around me. it's just annoying, for me and them as well, everything related to this crap.

    "and shower mom with medical evidence about therapeutic use of weed."

    tried that, been trying that for years. no point. gave up.

    but thanks
  • 0

    i have a pristinely empty discord channel, which was meant precisely for the naiive purpose of "in case anyone will ever want to cooperate on some of my projects". you can join:


    or just write me PM ( Midnight.sh_code#6452 )
  • 1
    @Midnigh-shcode I'm not foreign to past mind-fucking debt, you know what I've learned from those hellish times? If you keep focusing on the troubles, that will consume you entirely and will stop you from actually finding solutions! So, beside looking for a caring woman, my advice is: acknowledge that you have your problems, note the most urgent ones on a piece of paper and empty your mind of them for a bit. Just fuck'em for a minute. Then, one by one, prioritize your resources (material and mental) to solve at least bits of them at a time, if not possible to just squash them at once. Remember, focus on them one by one, forgetting the others until it's their turn. That way you won't be overwhelmed, it'll feel much easier to handle them.

    The above coming from personal experience 😉 Here's for your victories, one at a time 🍻
  • 0
    @Midnigh-shcode Absolutely not. That is you choosing to allow her to control your life.

    There is nothing physically or mentally stopping you from doing anything you want. You simply have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You ALWAYS have a choice. Even in your situation. Even if someone has a gun to your head. Yes, you can choose to die, or to obey, but there is always a choice. You can choose to abandon coding since you gave a burning passion for cooking. Or you could go and live in China. You really can, only you are stopping you. You can do anything. Clear cut steps and goals will help massively. That is some advise that changed my life.

    Literally. I'm moving to Japan next year because its been my life dream. But I was always holding myself back from doing it for no reason. Look up Mel Robbins, her talks might help.
  • 0
    @Midnigh-shcode anyway I would like to talk to you about a thing, in pvt. I'm on telegram, twitter and other stuff with the same username.
  • 3

    first of all, sorry for spamming you with all the notifications and responses. it's currently how I'm taking my mind off from how shitty I feel... and it helps (however strange it may sound)

    secondly, thank you all for all the comments.

    seriously. if nothing else, you helped me to forget about feeling like shit for a few hours, and that itself is ...incredibly valuable and incredibly much for me, thank you.
  • 1
    @keksprache twitter, i'm semihybrid there.

    just followed you, so you can write me a PM

    (discord would be better, if you use it, I wrote my username few comments above)
  • 3
    Dude, watched the trailer where you slingshot between planets/asteroids. Totally get it. Love the sense of freedom.

    Don't waste it, get it done!!
  • 0
    @nzeetee thanks :)

    trying to... I feel like if I was able to work on this for a month or two more, like really, without all of this depressive shit, I could get it to kickstarter-presentable state.

    I also got another gamemode thought up, basically racing (with or without shooting other racers).

    the map in video would probably be one of the smaller ones, as it's supposed to be 4v4 team deathmatch.

    ...but the sense of freedom... not sure if it's visible, but there's literally no way to move when you're not tethered to anything, then you just keep moving newtonian-ly. so... not sure if "sense of freedom" describes it. the intention was more like "a unique movement system which you have to learn to adjust to, and cooperate with, instead of expecting perfect moment-to-moment control". similar to Tribes, as I already said somewhere above.

    but thanks :)

    I'll contact you (and other interested people) if it ever makes progress to an actually playable thing, and let you try it
  • 4
    Wow this took a lot of courage to come out with!

    Most of the time it's our attitude or pride (or the lack of it) that's preventing us from living a normal nice life. Others think we're normal decent humans but because we don't live up to our own expectations we feel ashamed of ourselves in any social interaction. In my country it's looked down upon to live with your parents, but at the same time 30% of the population lives on housing fully paid for by government unemployment welfare. That's no different the way I see it.

    Some tips (Google these for detailed info):
    - cold showers
    - nofap/nopmo
    - 3 raw egg yolks daily
    - push half ready stuff online and see how it goes. Someone might find it interesting and meet you halfway, much like what happened with Linux development initially
  • 0
    @Midnigh-shcode cant find it but on discord I am keksprache#0472
  • 2
    @Midnigh-shcode you obviously have your own unique demons, but you also share the same demons as a lot of us. Getting part way through a project and then getting distracted, or giving up is something we all suffer from.

    For me, I've learnt that the winning is not so much in making an epic milestone, it's in everytime I pick back up where I left off. Get back on the wagon.

    ... and now having said that... I feel inspired to boot up and get back on with my own long-term, on/off project! Thanks!
  • 4
    @Midnigh-shcode regarding your lack of material resources to "attract" and/or dare women, who said that you wouldn't find HER, the proper woman for you, while sitting on a bench in a park or while waiting at a long line at a cafeteria (or something)? Who said all women are gold diggers, only focusing on the material? I've been commuting for about 3 years with my wife without talking, just noticing her as i noticed the usual commuters, but later we merged our common commute friends into a bigger group. I was earning the minimum wage, but who knew that she'd soon become my wife and the mother of my child? I've been unemployed in the middle of the winter, i was about to lose the apartment that i have a mortgage for, but she stood with me no matter what. She's not a model, body-wise, (not an ogre either, by the way) but i wouldn't trade her for the entire house of Playboy bunnies and Hoffner's fortune...
  • 2
    Good god. This was a lot to take in. I'll try to keep this brief.

    - I am not depressive but I have a friend I have helped get out of it (suicidal tendencies). You are definitely depressive.

    - You just need to commit your shit. You have so much to show and are afraid to release anything?

    Fuck off. Stop the behavior of doing the fun parts of one thing and then drop the project when it gets hard. I do that aswell, so yes I know how it feels and how it pressures you daily.

    - Your first game release CANNOT be perfect. Get that idea out of your mind. I am a perfectionist aswell. Publish, listen, rinse and repeat.

    - Watch this TEDx talk. https://youtube.com/watch/...

    - Stop using weed. You are not using it right now, you are ABusing it. Once you make 2k / month you can get back to that. This time for recreational purposes.

    - "it never gets better" bullshit. It get's better. People around you will catch you if they can, but they can't walk the line for you.
  • 2
    - I have a 10k debt aswell, but I don't let it get in my head or even remotely close to my way. Mind you, I am 19 right now, so it's not exactly something I can pay off in 3 months. If there's one thing I learned in HTL it's to keep your head clear even when everything else goes to shit around you.

    That 10k debt was made in seconds. Check my profile if you think I am just making this up to pump you up.

    - Also. Listen to the people that have had depression, they are your go to for the best advice you'll ever get. Thanks to @Floydian and many others at this point.

    And now get off your ass and do shit. Make a patreon, publish a game beta for free somewhere, take a walk, apply for a job, but for fuck sake I don't wanna see a carbon copy of this post in 365 days.

  • 0

    it needs at least a month's or two of full-time work to even be in pre-pre-alpha, any state that would be publishable or usable for kickstarter/patreon/any kind of funding.

    otherwise, you're right.

    in parts. there's stuff in the experience which you had no chance to experience yet, because it's 100% dependent on how long it lasts. in 19, i was making the same mistakes in my opinions.

    it's kinda like beating. taking a punch or two hurts, but happens. taking a half-hour long beating is pretty horrible. taking a two, three, or four hour beating starts being objectively unsurvivable. and you don't know how it is until you've experienced it.

    so I'm going to ignore those mistakes in your comment.

    and thank you for the parts in which you are right :)
  • 1
    Dude.. One thing that I was glad about while reading the rant that you know what's wrong with you.. you know it perfectly darn well.. just that you are not able to help it. If you boil it down like that, you'll realize that this thing is not so uncommon.

    You are frustrated because of a problem -> you work on it -> you fail -> you get frustrated -> back to square 1

    It's a vicious cycle you see which you've been whirling around for quite some time now. You just have to break this cycle (easier said than done). In my case, and I am not proud of it, if I fail constantly at something, I leave it and occupy myself with something else. Small successes help to regain the lost confidence.

    I am glad people coming out and offering help. I really hope you get that game out and I'll surely test it if you need me to. But just in case you fall back to the cycle again, don't fret it this time. Try. Instead work with someone else on one of their projects. Make connections, get back that human touch.
  • 1
    I was reminded of Bojack Horseman while reading the rant. Check it out if you can ;)
  • 0
    *hugs and hugs* fuck dude.... I wish i could help you. There is still time and I'm sure you can get benefits of some sort to help your money issue.
  • 1
    @c3ypt1c thanks for the hugs :)

    also, no benefits for me.

    because I was stupid enough to register as self-employed at 18, after leaving my first job.

    which, in our country, makes you obligated to start paying monthly govt fees of various kinds each month since the next month from registration, regardless of whether you have any earnings or not, and makes you ineligible for an unemployment benefits/support of any kind, even if you had worked full time as well, for the minimum time that would made you eligible if you didn't have self-employment.

    should have cancelled it as soon as i realized this, yes, my stupidity.
  • 0

    "One thing that I was glad about while reading the rant that you know what's wrong with you.. you know it perfectly darn well.. just that you are not able to help it."

    in this you are correct.

    in identifying the problem, not so much.

    what you describe is the smaller part of it.

    not really in the mood to describe the larger part, so i'll shorten it to one term: social isolation.

    the "funny" thing is, almost whoever i describe what the problem is to, even psychologists and psychiatrists, their reaction is "no, that's not it, you're wrong".

    because apparently chronic social isolation lasting for 20+ years since young age (6 years old) doesn't cause nihilism and depressions, yeah, sure, you sharlatans.

    (aimed at the "doctors", not you here)
  • 3
    from someone who knows what you're going through.... believe me... more than you'll ever know

    if you can hold a thought of a better future, whatever it may be, that's even slightly better than waht you're living now

    hold on to it

    think of it often

    daydream about it

    never let it go

    and make your day some kind of small step towards it

    do this daily

    avoid any thoughts that logically wouldn't produce this better future

    hang in there

    people care

    you'll have your day

    then you'll have many days

    and you'll look back on this, and smile
  • 0
    @Midnigh-shcode i mean, you could cancel, right? then you'd get the benefits you need.
  • 1
    Hang in there.
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