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Search - "garbage human"
Front end + back end = Project finished.
This is my first full stack application that I spent a month working on. It's a basic database that holds car information and saves it to a SQL db. I built this using Java Spring/Hibernate for my backend and Node.JS/REACT for my front end. Mariadb handles SQL requests. REACT handles token requests for secure login, that was the hardest part of this whole thing.
I was going to comment on how frequently I feel like garbage and an inadequate excuse of a human being, but today is my birthday and this is the best gift I could get, a finished project from scratch.
I'm 29 today devRant. And I work over the weekend before going back to school, but at least I fucking finished something that I started.
...thanks, for everything. 😄14
rant, but not an IT kind... okay, maybe not even a rant, more like depressive rambling:
in 3 days, I'll turn 29.
i'm living with my mom, in the apartment where I was born, in the room i've been living since I was born (with the exception of 2 attempts to move out which together lasted 9 months).
my theoretical monthly income should/could be around 4000€, based on my skills and experience.
but I'm a (manic)-depressive, chronically lonely idiot loser (and the manic phases come more and more rarely in recent years), so
my practical average monthly income fluctuates from 0 to about 200.
i am unable to keep a job for more than 4 months, so after being fired from about 20 or so of them since I was 18, it takes immense amounts of mental and emotional energy to even start looking for one now... so I usually don't.
i've been about 12000€ in debt for the past 8 or so years, half of which is just debt collector fees.
it's kinda funny, for years, i've been unable to solve a debt which theoretically amounts to 3 months of my theoretical achievable salary.
my father, who just left without a word of explanation when I was 18, has decided this is not viable anymore, so I'm supposed to move out by 10th of next month, "either to some cheap rooming house, or under the bridge, I don't care", as he put it.
I can't remember how it feels to exist a single hour without feeling existential dread and dreading each next day, not knowing what to do or if i'll even be able to try and do something, because this feeling is so strong that it often blocks me from being able to do anything. i just shiver most of the time that i'm awake, feeling like you feel few minutes before puking and crying at the same time. and that feeling is my "how are you?", "you know... normal".
i can't remember what it feels to feel any other way and can't even imagine it, and can't imagine that I'll ever achieve any less shit feeling.
literally all of my social contact consists of going out once to twice a month with the only 2 friends and 2 aquaintances I have who have the time and will to spend it with me.
oh, and hiding in my room, avoiding talking to my mom, because each time we talk she just reminds me what a piece of shit failure I am, and tells me how it's not that hard to change it, I just have to stop being lazy and start working for it.
she's... kind and caring about it, which somehow maybe makes it even worse.
i have about 10 almost complete game designs, each of them at least 50% more original and interesting (at least to me) than the things that are coming out for the past 10 years, being lauded as "the most original and unique".
I have been trying to make them, ANY of them, since I was 18, but I always lose all the drive and resolve and energy in like 4 months, because it's like trying to build a city on my own on a deserted island. too big for one person, but there was never anyone to help me. closest I ever got was one of my friends telling me "i've been thinking many times that i'd love to work on some project with you, if I had the time".
and second time, when I actually found an artist I was going to pay, and he was awesome, and after two weeks of me telling him how awesome what he does is and how it fits the project and my ideas perfectly, he backed out saying "i'm afraid I can't do the quality you require from me".
never ever in my life did I get actual help with something I actually wanted or tried to do.
i have no idea how it feels to have someone working with me on something I actually consider interesting and meaningful, on any of the things which I wanted to make, which made me learn programming.
I've learned graphics and animation and everything going into game making pipeline on my own because I realized nobody will ever help me, so I'll have to do all of it on my own.
I've tried to make a kickstarter once, but I started crying hysterically in the middle of writing it, because I felt like a begging piece of failure shit, even more than usual, so I deleted it.
most of people treat me like shit failure unworthy and undeserving of living, precisely as I myself know I deserve to be treated, because that's what I am, but when I ask for permission to kill myself, since I see no other solution to stop being a burden, they get angry at me that I'm just emotionally blackmailing them. when I afterwards ask them "so help me in any way to do any of the projects i want/need to do", they respond they've got no time for that.
when I talk about all of this, I get told to stop whining.
happy 29th birthday, me, a piece of shit who should've never survived this long, who should've never been born in the first place.
also, I know this is not the kind of crap that's supposed to be posted here, but i've got nowhere else. sorry.47
Just some more thoughts on Life and money, a spiritual sequel to my previous rant on money:https://devrant.com/rants/2854425/...
Based on thoughts from other people and my own experiences, I have made this pyramid(Please point me to stuff like this, if you have already seen one)
I will call it as "Goals of a general Human". Say if you have suddenly born into the world fully naked onto a street with a 21 year old body( in other words fully independent and without relations) , then i guess this would be your goal to live your next 60-80 years:
0. The zeroth point to note is that this pyramid runs on money. Their is no way a person could create even the bottommost level without money. Weather you earn it by yourself , someone else give it to you or you take it forcefully, everything could be just achieved by money.
1. The first thing for any human is to achieve the minimum requirements of living : food , clothes, shelter and education.
I often feel everyone should be definitely getting this, but sadly the biggest competition to struggle for life is seen in this level.
2. the 2nd comes equally as soon as the first gets filled: The need to get safety and health for ourselves. People are forced to live in pollution filled areas, near garbage or eating unhealthy food. Personally if i have made sure that i have clothes to wear, food to eat and a shelter above, i can only then make sure if the plate i am eating is clean, the cloth i am wearing is untainted and the place i am living is without any open sewer. Other than that.
3. The next comes the investments. People invest , keep their money in banks, buy lands and properties so as to have some money in case their daily life got disrupted, but more so for future needs.
4. The next comes the luxury. The Usually the people will put luxuries at par with basic needs . Personally.
5. The final stage is the power. Its a situation when you have a hell lot of money: you are no longer worried about the basic needs, quality of life, future needs, you can have the luxury as much as you want and yet you still have the money. At this stage you are powerful. Not just because you have a particular amount of money, but because for you, so much money is coming in "You can have whatever you want".
And that's where you get the definition of power : To be able to do what you want, without someone stopping you or without someone's help . You want a helipad in your home? done. You want to become the president of US? Done.
The power is so sweet to have that it eventually becomes a cockfight. Once you are the biggest in town, you want to continue working on it to remain the biggest. That's why i didn't capped the power triangle
I am often conflicted about what i really want. I do not desire the power. The definition of power is self centric, but its just not following the conventional system: If you want something you can achieve it no matter the impact on other people.
So do you really want to be that god like personna who could have anything without thinking about the impact? I am pretty sure that since money is so much intermingled with our lives , that if jeff bezos wants to get something done, without considering the society, it would definetly be harming someone on this planet.
Thus the "consideration" clause is very important at this level which could either make you the god or villain. I do not find myself in either of those shoes .
I am not sure if anyone has the right to be powerful. Every discussion that i could think of will result in someone coming out as villain or vcitim because of power. As @Fast-Nop pointed out in my previous post, having the ability to get what we want is not always highly impactful (Sorry for pointing you out, Fast-Nop). For eg, a sick rich family could get their loved ones treated faster through backdoors and other sources using money. but again, others got their life served through fate while the rich secured their life through money(welp, 2Large is suddenly the villain. Again, don't wanna go into that debate. I am just looking for a meaning of life)
I do not desire the luxuries (level 4). I *demand* for the basic necessities and health and safety. I wish to live in a world where i do not think of securing my future. Am I born in the wrong century or do i need to get a better mindset?18
after these final year exams , i would need to unlearn some of the garbage am stuffing into my brain.
Particularly Human Computer Iteraction(HCI) , that shit is even worse than the state of buzzwords words like blockchain and agile, this stuff is just so meta and boring, i am feeling like sitting in a rocket science class mixed with ancient literature3
Why the fuck is SE/SO buried so deep in politics? it's a fucking website with some fucking posts and some fucking people
Why can't all these fuckers just go run for congress so they can pull dick on taxpayers' money rather than cram up that fucking website with their bullshit
Tons of tons of tens of hundred pages of bullshit and debate and comments and what the fuck not over a fucking WEBSITE. I haven't seen this much bullshit flying around when fucktards voted trump for president.
I'm DNS shitholing all this fucking thing, right now it costs me more time to dig through piles of human garbage than it saves me on occasion
PS I'm not even sure I wouldn't just delete that whole fucking thing if I could. And have those fuckers dig holes in the ground to make themselves more useful. All this shit does is to make it easier for retards to jump on the software development bandwagon ruining the market for everyone else.5