181
Noob
100d

The programmer and the interns part 3.

Many of you asked me to keep posting about the interns that I'm responsible for.

I had the intention but never had the time or the energy. Since the interns only kept doing stupid, unthinkable things and just filtering out the good ones is a task of its own.

Time has passed, some interns left us by their choice, others were fired (for obvious reasons). Some stayed loyal and were given permanent positions. New ones joined. I no longer am directly responsible for their wellbeing, yet, somehow I am still their tech-lead and the developer of their tools.

Without further delay,

Case 0:
New guy get's into the internship, has his LinkedIn title set to ‘HTML Technician’.
Didn’t know about the existence of HTML5.
Been building static web pages in the early 2000s. The kind with embedded, inline CSS.
Claims that he is about to finish an engineering degree (sadly I believe him).
Fails the entry level Linux test. Complains about the similarity of the answer options.
Fails the basic web-standars test because "they change so fast, but the foundation is HTML and it's rock-solid!".
Get's caught taking home onions and milk from the kitchen.
Is spotted eating in a restaurant under our offices in his day off. Thrice. He lives a 30 minute drive away and comes here on a bicycle or by bus.
Apparently didn't know that the scrolling wheel on the mouse is clickable.
Said that his PC experience is mostly from his PlayStation (PC = PlayCtation apparently).
Get's fired, says that he'll go to the press. Never does.

Case 1:
Yet another new intern. He seems very eager to learn and work, capable, even charismatic. Has an impressive CV.
Does nothing.
Learns from the "case 0" guy and spends time with him until he is fired.
Comes to work at 8:00 AM and immediately goes to sleep on an office puff. In front of everyone.
Keeps dining alone, without a notice, at different times, for hours. Sometimes brings food into the office and loudly eats it there.
On his evening shifts keeps disappearing for long periods of time. Apparently drinking in the nearby bars and hitting on girls.
Keeps bragging about his success with getting their numbers and rants about those who reject him.
For over a year he fails his final training test and remains a trainee, without the ability to work on a real case.
Not fired yet.

Case 2:
Company retreat. Beautiful, exotic views, warm sun beams, all inclusive package for everyone on a huge half-island.
Simon (he's still with us, now as a true engineer!) brings his MacBook to the beach in order to work and impress all others.
Everybody get's drunk and start throwing huge inflatable balls at each other. One hits his laptop and it immediately is flattened.
Upset Simon is going in circles and ranting about the situation, looking for a solution.
Loses his phone on the beach.
Takes his broken laptop with him while searching for the phone.
Dips the laptop in the river while drunkenly ducking in order to pick a clam.

Case 3:
Still company retreat.
Drunk intern makes out with an employee's drunk wife.
Huge verbal fight. The husband says that he files for a divorce. Intern get's fired.

Case 4:
Still company retreat.
Three interns each take an inflatable swimming mattress and drift with the current. Get found on the other side of the resort three hours later, with red skin and severely dehydrated.

Case 5:
Still company retreat.
The 'informally fired' intern gets drunk again, climbs through a window into a room and makes out with an employee's drunk wife.
Again, gets caught when the husband returns to find a locked door but can see them though the window.

Case 6:
Still company retreat.
We all get ferociously drunk and wander off to the unknown in search of more booze.
Everybody does something stupid and somebody finds Simon's phone.
Simon is lost.
Frenzied horde of drunks is roaming the half-island in search of ethanol and the lost comrade.
Simon's phone get's permanently lost.
Five people step on sea urchins but find that out only hours later and then are unable to walk.
The mob, now including more drunk people who joined voluntarily, finds the sexually active intern making out with the enraged employee's wife yet again.
Surprisingly Simon is found sleeping in a room nearby.

Comments
  • 73
    @Noob
    Are you living in a sitcom by any chance?
  • 27
    @metamourge It's a question that my family, friends and coworkers keep asking all the time.

    I think that such (and other, yet untold) things happen to everyone. I just pay more attention to these ones, remember them, and mostly take part in them.

    Or maybe I'm just blessed / cursed.
  • 38
    Next time I see a post from you about interns I'll grab some popcorn. This was wild from start to finish.
  • 6
    @Noob the 2 first are really believable, the only thing I wonder is why they weren't fired earlier. But knowing big companies, it can take time and paperwork to fire awful people, unfortunately.

    The company retreat ones seem far-fetched, but I'd know better than call you a liar, crazy things happen during company retreat.

    I'm going to go with an ancient curse making your life a sitcom.
  • 9
    @Fradow It's fine mate. I'm used to the fact that my friends treat my work stories with disbelief, I can't blame them.
    The retreat thing was told in a more humorous way than it actually all happened. For example the cheating wife situation was extremely embarrassing for everybody. You don't get into these topics with your managers, older people, their families and etc. The husband cried and there was lots of swearing. I choose to omit it and focus on the good things.

    Regarding the firing policy in the company. It seems like it's nearly impossible to get fired in the support department. I have a guy who worked here for two years and didn't finish a single task. He got fired after 2 years, and a couple of reassignments to different roles and teams.

    Honestly, I should include him in these series, but he wasn't an intern. Though he's stupidity and antipathy were very funny at certain times.
  • 24
    Impatiently waiting for the series "Noob and The Interns" to land on Netflix
  • 9
    sexually active intern sounds like a champ, how did he not get his ass beaten from husband?
  • 6
    @myss corporate nerds
  • 4
    That was a very funny read, thanks for sharing!

    I do believe this happend since I saw your comment about how you filtered things to not sound as grim as they actually were. Thanks for filtering!

    Oh, and this really is good sitcom material... 😉
  • 2
    That's greatness! 😂
  • 6
    Hilarious,

    Having worked in a somehow big tech company... It's very likely!!! Even more with alcohol included!

    In French, there is a quote form a classic movie "Les cons ça ose tout. C'est même à ça qu'on les reconnaît." (Idiots dares everything. And that's a way to spot them).

    We even fired someone for trying to have sex with furniture in a resort!!!
  • 1
    Oh my, oh my, oh my..... Nope still can't find a word to describe this.
  • 1
    Is that even real?
    Also, can I know the name of the company?
    As a future (and first-timer!) intern myself, these stories calmed my fear of not being good enough 😄
  • 6
    your interns got bigger dick skills than technical skills
  • 3
    Love your writing style and very funny stories! wish I could ++ more! :D
  • 0
    I just love being an intern :)))))))
  • 3
    Simon is my spirit animal.

    By the way in which part of the world is this all fun happening?
  • 1
    @jotamontecino Crooks in Clover! ;)
  • 3
    @jotamontecino I love how nobody noticed the last line
  • 2
    X. doubt!
  • 1
    Can I watch this on Netflix?
  • 1
    yani. Yet Another New Intern
  • 5
    That's hilarious 🤣 I love the one who hit on the wife.
  • 1
    This is better than the office series man! Keep it up
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