That one time I got the procedurally generated and fully destructible (including toppling over if half is destroyed) buildings programmed and working for the first game I worked on

I am here late on a freaking Friday night before a holiday weekend doing some stupid conversion for a company. They have to have it done before Monday ( the holiday) as they plan to go live then.

Did I mention that they asked for this 2 days ago? I had to write the entire system to upload their batch of accounts into our system and return to them the corresponding new accounts. In 2 STUPID DAYS! Not to mention nobody was here to code review it today, so I had to run over it with one of the it guys before merging it myself.

Good thing I didn’t have a conference tonight that I paid money to go to. Oh wait, I do. Luckily it only started 2 hours ago so I might just make the final keynote, if I am lucky.

2nd year programming professionally I designed, coded, and released a PCI compliant credit card encryption system, including updating all 7 million records (at the time) in our existing database to utilize the new system. By some miracle, it worked with only one small hiccup (see previous rant).

So we hired a part time sales lady to work in our office. She sits right inside the entry to our area. Each morning I am amazed that I can make it to my desk without passing out. All I can think is this:

Standing here in standup. It’s been 30 minutes. At least we are almost half done... can we just not do this every freaking day?

I learned basic, Visual Basic and java in high school, then one year of college studying c++. I really hate c++ and swore I would never become a programmer. After that one year of college, I spent two years out of the country with no computer usage at all. Then 4 years working at a grocery store.
Then my friend told me about an opening at his work place for a java programmer. This was 7 years since doing java and 6 years since I had programmed anything at all. But I applied and interviewed. When asked about databases, I said “I know a little Microsoft Access.” Had no idea what relational databases were, never heard of php, but by some miracle they hired me anyways. Still working for them 6 years later, now an experienced java, php, MySQL, front end developer.
Still have no idea why they saw fit to hire me.

I have noticed on here, there is a direct correlation between the number of swear words in a post and that posts ++ count. As a programmer who doesn't swear (I know, "just give it a few years" or "YOUR NOT A REAL PROGRAMMER!!" [side note, I also don't drink coffee]), I guess my ++ counter will only ever be allocated 1 byte...

My conversation with my wife today, while I was at work:

Wife: The wifi isn't working.
Me: What's it doing?
W: Not working
Me: Try turning it off an on again.
.
.
.
Me: Is your phone on LTE? Or is it connected to wifi and the internet isn't working?
W: LTE. Aubrey (my wife's sister) said she turned it off and nothing happened.
Me: did she turn it back on?
W: Do you really want me to answer that?
Me: Just making sure. What lights are on on the router?
W: (Sends me a picture of the router with no lights on)
Me:...
W: Oh it isn't even plugged in
Me:...
W (after a couple minutes): Its working now!

YES I REALLY WANT YOU TO ANSWER IF YOU TURNED IT BACK ON!

My super power?

"git revert" for real life

After working for this company for only a couple years, I was tasked with designing and implementing the entire system for credit card encryption and storage and token management. I got it done, got it working, spent all day Sunday updating our system and updating the encryption on our existing data, then released it.

It wasn't long into Monday before we started getting calls from our clients not being able to void or credit payments once they had processed. Looking through the logs, I found the problem was tokens were getting crossed between companies, resulting in the wrong companies getting the wrong tokens. I was terrified. Fortunately I had including safe guards tying each token to a specific company, so they were not able to process the wrong cards. We fixed it that night.

There would be no error if you didn't try to tell me there is an error. Recursion

Coworker left his computer unlocked so I set up a cron to change his background to Hello Kitty every few minutes. It also played the audio from this https://youtu.be/yPxJnvSZrU0

Standup 50 minutes long and still going strong. Already planned and designed a layout for a new project. Now onto useless babbling and small talk.

Can't tell if that is our burn-down chart or the PM got drunk and played with an etch-a-sketch

Putting headphones on and being left alone

It's lovely when your corporate application starts having problems sending mail through google, so you fallback to your onsite mail server, only to learn it is nothing more than a pass through to your gmail account.
Not only that, but it isn't secured at all, so spam bots have been sending millions of spam emails through it, leading to your google account being blacklisted which caused the email problems in the first place. Yay!

!rant

As seen on a marquee:

Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you will disappear.

#stayweird

Was gonna talk to my PM today about stand ups going long, but then standup lasted right through our scheduled meeting. Feels cyclical.

Don't think we have had a standup shorter than 45 minutes in the past 6 months. Maybe someone needs put tacks on the chairs in the standup room...

Comment in our code, followed by 3 identical SQL queries with only the table name different (Admin, regular user, old regular user).
Then we duplicated the entire project as it being a contract first webservice prevented us from changing it's signature to accommodate the needs of a new application.

Being that none of my family or friends code, it is nice to be here with others who are nerdy. What a great place