If you ask me to run your reports, saying that it's urgent, then leave for a week's vacation, I will throttle your bandwidth to that of a 1200 baud modem for the next 3 months.

Architect: I know we said we would never do The Thing because doing The Thing is really bad, but can we do The Thing for a proof of concept?

Me: How about Fuck No! Unless you are proposing a solution to fix The Thing, we are NOT doing The Thing just to satisfy some perverse curiosity you may be harboring.

Staff meetings would be more tolerable if they started off with karaoke.

"Dude, the earnings were cool and all but, man, you sure carried that note during 'Come Sail Away. '"

Every time I see a client open ssh or rdp to the world when the servers sit behind a vpn, I die a little inside.

/observation

I've found that a caramel latte pairs nicely with kettle-cooked bbq potato chips.

Or I'm just weird.

I look forward to Friday's Nerf dart battles in the office. A great way to blow off the steam that built up during the week.

me: Hey. This looks like a cool component that will save me lots of time and effort in the project I'm kicking off next week.

/* Two months later */

me: WTF was the name of that component that did that thing?

======================

I really should write things down more often.

Currently written on the conference room whiteboard:

People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.

I couldn't agree more.

Sitting in a meeting discussing writing end user docs on a new feature and one of the product managers literally said "we'll end up picking a number out of the air."

Is it normal for "enterprise" software to have 14+ pages of known issues in the release notes, including issue descriptions that use phrases like "may lead to data corruption" and "may cause the cluster to crash"??

You wanna have a meeting, fine. We'll have a meeting. But for the love of balsamic vinegar, put a fucking agenda in. I automatically decline any meeting request with no agenda, regardless of who sent it.

Guard your time well, my friends. It is precious and fleeting.

Been on winter holiday for 3 days. Went to log in to my work laptop to clear out email - took me 20 minutes to remember my domain password.

Getting old sucks, kids.

Searching in Confluence sucks so bad it was faster for me to check out a branch of my code to find a url in a comment for a particular user story than it was to type the query, go through pages of unrelated results only to give up and hope I got the details right.

Why was my code push today completely flawless?

Because I didn't do it on Friday at 5 pm when it was actually complete.

Dear Project Managers,

If you schedule a status update meeting for the end of the week, it is NOT okay for you to stop by my desk every day and ask if the project is on track. You will get your update during the update meeting you scheduled.

KthanxBye

A ticket got escalated through 3 levels of techs. I open the escalation email, then do a Reply-all and ask one simple question:

Is the client really asking why there are gaps in monitoring when their servers are shutdown?

PM: Hey. I need this data right away so I can generate some reports!

/me runs some queries, creates some csv files, emails results

PM: Thanks! I'll look at this after I get back from vacation!

Our phone's on-hold music is still set to Wilson Phillips.

[Paraphrased quote] "We're implementing an Agile methodology with 12 week sprints."

Just heard the phrase "We're going to offer standardised custom offerings."

Wrote code, tested it, and pushed to production for the first time in 3 months.

Great {diety} in {afterLifeLocation} it felt so goooooood to get back to developing.

Ahhhhh. Deleting data. Delete. Delete
Delete.

With authorization, no less.

It's almost as pleasurable as drinking coffee.

Pet peeve:

Putting screen shots in Word documents, then attaching the doc to tickets.

Mucking forons.

I would cause intense pain to any project manager that calls a useless meeting that could have been avoided if they had read the fucking status emails I send.

If your resume lists 10 jobs and you've spent 1 year or less at each job and you were not a contractor, that is not viewed as a Good Thing. I toss those resumes in the trash.

At a previous company, we got stock options. My options wouldn't have made me a millionaire but it wasn't chump change, either.

For months, we went through the whole "we can't say we're going public but watch what you say" game.

One Monday, they called us down by groups to one of the large conference rooms to tell us paperwork was filed, that we were in a blackout period, and, oh, by the way, all those stock options were split 1-for-2 (half the stocks at twice the price.)

I really wanted to punch those smug motherfuckers when I watched them ringing the bell on the balcony of the NYSE.

Dear project managers,

Learn to use the fucking ticketing system. And by "use" I don't mean emailing IT asking them to open a ticket for you.

#GrowUpPinheads

"I'd like to increase my storage from 9TB to 8GB."

Jr dev: I need to log in to servers via ssh and run commands.
me: [posts link to Fabric web site]
Jr dev: Does it support python 3?

Gee...here's an idea. Why don't you try READING THE FUCKING DOCS?!?!?!

When I say I'm working on an important update to the application, what I mean is "go away and stop bothering me, right now, or I will cock-punch you, right now."