User:"It's not working"
Me:"Have you turned it off and on again?"
User:"Yes"
Me: goes down there, system uptime is 360days...
"How do you turn it off?"
User:"by pressing the button on the monitor

I think I'll never going to get a devRant stress ball, so i made this instead with my pretty low budget (0.5$).

*yesterday*
Client: "Perfect! How did you do this so quickly?"
Me: "I used a library"
*today*
Me: "I'm still debugging. It will take some time"
Client: "Well, it has already taken too long...I can hear Mozart in the background. Maybe you need to go to a library to get some quiet and get it done fast. Visit the one you used yesterday."
Me: "Library?...Ah, I meant plugin...like, code...a library is a bunch of packaged code"

LMAO 😂😂😂

I had to go help marketing with a website UI issue today:

Me: What version of IE are you using?
Her: Oh my god! Did you say virgin?
Me: No, "Version".
Her: Hahaha you guys I thought he asked what virgin am I using!
*room erupts into laughter*

WTF is this high school?

I don't know what to say

This is how I feel after working, almost exclusively, with PHP over the last 4 years.

I met one of my friend from my childhood he asked me what I do for a living.

I told him : "I am a full stack developer"

He : What does that mean? What you have to do in office?

Me: I write code for websites in very simple words.

He: Like facebook?

Me: yes, exactly.

He: So you work for windows?

Me: What makes you think that?

He: Aren't websites comes with the computer?

Me: I am so unfortunate to meet you.

Sent an email out in work informing everyone that we had pushed updates out to all Windows PC's.

Got the following phone call 10 minutes later:

"Hi, I can't log into the banking account app on my iPhone. Did you do something to it with your updates?"

"Nope. They were PC updates."

"Well, I'm sorry but you're wrong. It must be you! It was working yesterday."

"Again, it's not us. What's the error message you're getting on your app?"

"Invalid password"

".....then could it just be that you're entering an invalid password?"

"No, I know the password. I only changed it yesterday!"

"So it was working before you changed the password?"

"That's what i said!
I'm telling you, it's your updates."

"Okay but before we go 'troubleshoot' it, how about ringing your bank firs-"

"Oh look, it doesn't matter if you don't want to help, I don't have time for this!
I'll ring your boss and he'll uninstall the updates for me and fix the app." *hangs up*

Guess what! Windows strikes again

It has been a long day... 😐

I have an android. *Facepalm*

Today I saw this in our code base:
private static final int THREE = 3;

To do this:
rating += THREE;

I laughed, and cried a little.

/facepalm .................

Me:*connects up laptop to projector via wifi bc teacher doesn't know shit about computers*

Teacher: *sits at computer*
Teacher: *closes the program that streams to projector*

Me:*facepalm*

Teacher: "Why did it stop working did you set it up wrong?"

Tech support to my friend:

Friend: Root my phone!
Me: why
Friend: play store is not working
Me: why do u want to root for that?
Friend: is there any other option?
Me: give me ur phone

After 20 sec ...
Me: Sign in to ur Google account 😐😐

Before iPads took over the general population of home computing, I used to do house calls to help people with their computers for some extra folding money. One day I get a call from a regular saying that ever since I last worked on his computer it won't stay on.

He says it comes on for a few seconds, then just shuts down. It never did that before I upgraded the RAM.

So I drive over to his house and turn on the computer. He says, "See, it starts fine, but in a few seconds it'll just shut off. Just watch"

The computer boots up without any issues.

He says, "Well, of course it doesn't do it now that you're here!"

I reboot it a few times, boots fine every time. Suddenly I realize what's going on. I say to him, "Hey, why don't you try turning it on for me?"

He says, "What difference will that make?"

I say, "Just trust me, turn it on."

He bends down, presses the power button, looks up at the monitor and watches it boot. But he doesn't release the button! He just keeps holding it down until it shuts off.

"See!" he says, "why does it only do that when I turn it on!"

I then have to explain to him how holding down the power button forces a shutdown.

But, it never did that before I worked on it!

Teacher: Make a PPT presentation on *blah blah* with no animations or colors and present it next week.

*Next week*
I go and connect my laptop and open my presentation in a PDF file.
Teacher: Wait! You are using pdf. I said ppt.
Me: Yeah, you said no animations and a pdf file is much lighter than a ppt file.
Teacher: you are disqualified!

*facepalm*

So our genius client just posted a photo of our office whiteboard on Facebook with the beta site credentials on it... 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Pc wouldn't boot. Went to the service center.
The guy at the shop : what's the problem?
Me : pc won't boot, just starts beeping
The guy : I see. It could be a hardware or a software problem.
Me : (trying to keep a straight face) oh?
Him : oh yes... It's always either a software or a hardware problem.
Me : thanks I guess?

"I'd like to increase my storage from 9TB to 8GB."

I've been writing PHP for more then 10 years. So, one fine day while having coffee with new tech manager...

Manager: huh, you've been programmer for very long time. Can you explain how echo works?

Me: err.. Echo. Spit out string. (show some example code on my phone)

Manager: I mean, I want to know, which part in C++ code in PHP engine. (trying to impress with jargons)

Me: I don't know. But why?

Manager: As programmer, you need to know, so you can echo more efficient.

Me: ... Errr... Ok... (I've been echo-ing for more then decade. Is there a way to make echo more efficient?)

When you've convinced a good number of your colleagues to try out Protonmail then you find out later that they're not using it anymore because it doesn't support the Gmail Android app 😬😬😬

Even if it's supported, WHAT THE FUCK is the point of using e2e encrypted email if you're accessing it using 3rd party apps?

When your high school computer science teacher doesn't know what git is.

Dear outsourced developers. Don't send me your private SSH key by email. I don't need it, it allows me to access anything else you can access pretending I'm you, and it shows a misunderstanding of how SSH keys work. 🤦🏻‍♂️

When petrol stations worldwide have default user/pass...

*facepalm*

I am a software engineer and my cousin is a Geek Squad employee for the local Best Buy. And he thinks we do the same thing.

Are you telling me that I could've learned Git in 15 minutes on git-scm.com opposed to wasting 3 days on the Udacity tutorial!?!

Apparently my university uses COMIC SANS in an official email.....
#fml
Time to leave the planet....

*opens stackoverflow*
"Oh great! The Internet is down."
*opens new tab and googles the error*

So, I was talking to a recruiter..... After 15 minutes of telling her what I do.....She asked are you into coding?

I have no words -_-\

*browses devRant*
*closes devrant*
*looks at screen wallpaper for few moments*
*opens devRant, starts scrolling*
*wait I've read these rants*
.
.
.
.
*ookie I better go sleep then*

Took me 2 fucking days to figure out why the loop wasn't working, biggest facepalm ever.

if(iterator.hasNext()){

// some awesome code

}

Wife: "How hard is to make a phone app?"

Me: "Depends on what it is, why?"

Wife: "I had an idea for a cool app that does blah blah blah"

Me: "That actually sounds like a cool app. Let's brainstorm tonight and come up with a plan and see if we need to hire some freelance devs for it"

Wife: "Cool, I also want to make an app to blahblah2, oh and one to blahblah3.. oh hmm what about.."

<facepalm>

So I found a bug in Bootstrap 4 today that was causing responsive tables to break. I looked at it for a while and threw a bunch of potential fixes at it, to no avail.

I was about to open a bug report when I stumbled upon the cause...

I spelled “table-responsive” wrong 🤦‍♂️

That moment when you google the error...
find the same query on three different sites...
realise that all three were posted by the same user...
and all three are unanswered.. 😑

My dev team lead is a Flat Earther 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just wasted two hours trying to fix a bug that never existed in the first place. 🤦‍♂️

Saw a nerdy kid with an awesome coding t-shirt bragging about his immense programming and "hacking" abilities.

"What's your favorite programming language?" I ask.

"Scratch."
...

I just typed `ls` into chrome...

My manager is so obsessed with machine learning that during a discussion today, he asked whether we could use ML to find the distance between a pair of latitudes & longitudes. He is a nice guy, though.

friend: *sees me using linux on my laptop* oh hey u got the same desktop as my boyfriend's

me: "really? hes using linux mint too? since when did he change from windows to linux?"

friend: "whats linux?"

me: "this" *shows some features*

friend: "oh i thought it was just the background picture......"

Taking digs at php

Oh no, JetBrains! <facepalm>

When you find this on an open-source project's git log -> :facepalm:

So I quit my job and am currently serving my notice period. I do the hiring for my team (lead dev). Today I got an email from a recruiter trying to recruit me for my current role ....

FUCK PHP!!!
We were trying to go live with a big online shop, it is connected through a crappy API to SAP.
PHP keeps outputting fucking errors because our intern doesn't fucking know how to properly write PHP.

YEAH, JUST FUCKING RETURN A WHOLE DIFFERENT TYPE OF DATA IF THE FUNCTION HAS AN ERROR.

Oh and using fucking strtr( ... ) to insert stuff in a string is REALLY FUCKING 1337...

And when you think the whole fuckery has reached the summit, just look at how HE FUCKING CREATED THE UGLY EMAIL TEMPLATE:
$content .= "UGLY HTML ABOMINATION";
$content .= "MORE UGLY HTML";
$content .= "HTML WITH SPELLING ERRORS";
$content .= "<table>";
$content .= "TEARS OF TIM BERNERS LEE";
$content .= "<table>HE FOGOT THE FUCKING '/'";

and dozens more of these lines...

and the whole piece for ALL 3 FUCKING LANGUAGES...

Thanks for writing the fucking backend stuff, it is better to rewrite the whole piece.

Me: *Runs composer install on workstation then reads manga on phone*
Terminal: DO NOT RUN COMPOSER AS ROOT/SUPER USER
Me: *glances at computer screen, sees the words run and super user. Ctrl + C. type in, sudo composer install*
5 mins later
Me: *facepalm*

Svg files don't work with Edge
*facepalm*

After 3 hours of struggle, I was able to setup multiple versions of PHP and configured easy switching on Apache on a fresh install of elementary OS.

Well, I just wasted a lot of time being stupid.

One of the best GIFs in the history of GIFs.

So I had finished my work early in class and asked the teacher if I could do something on my laptop for the remaining half an hour.

I take out my laptop and immediately people start asking if I'm hacking.

3 people come and sit next to me and ask what every line of code means that I write. (I think they got underwhelmed real fast because I was debugging).

The teacher then comes into the room and asks what I was doing and I said just working on an app project. She explains to me that it is illegal for me to be hacking and I could get into serious trouble if I am caught. I facepalm and she says your disturbing everyone else get off of your laptop and read a book.

I left that class thinking is she even qualified, what is she thinking. Are you teachers the same.

On my first dev job ever, I got sent to the client's office after studying CSS on my own for 2 weeks.
Client: "So, you're the great expert your manager told me about?"

C++ - a scripting thing :|

Facepalm level : over 9000

Didn't believe it till it happened to me!!
Was talking to a third year student...
Me: What languages can you code in?
Student: HTML, CSS
:/ FML
*facepalm*

I think in this field mistakes at low level are easy to miss and can cause big problems later on

After changing a file, 'git add .' showed that everything is already up to date. I spent half an hour looking through my project structure and git branches. The reason? I forgot to save that file.

Mom: My mouse doesn't move
Me: Have you tried disconnecting and reconnecting it?
Mom: How do I do that?
Me: Well, follow the cable from the mouse to the computer
Mom: Is the computer the black box? Then I've disconnected it
Me: Ok, good, then reconnect it
Mom: It doesn't fit
Me: ...

Had a great time yesterday explaining a C++ dev on a UNIX box that yes, he actually has to shut down his machine before adding this new extra 8gb memory...

Well, after two hours of scratching my head, I found that angular.isNumber () returns true when you pass in a NaN. Brilliant.

Installed an SSD in my Linux box. Installed fresh distro, tried to log in via SSH on localhost. Didn't work. Tried like three times, turned off firewalls, restarted ssh servers, nothing.

Looked at username. Typo in username when setting things up. *facepalm*

my desk neighbour started an online meeting, with her headset on. but she didn't realise that all the sound came from speakers. meeting lasted several hours.

A few years back I worked at a company as their front-end web developer with one other guy who was their "back-end" developer. PHP and MySQL specifically. He was eventually fired and I took over both development roles. When I got around to seeing his source code and the way he had created the databases, I immediately saw why he was fired. This guy did not understand the concept of loops. Instead of separating out tags and categories with a split / loop, he set up database tables for EVERY. SINGLE. TAG.
i.e. tag_1, tag_2, tag_3, etc. And then to top ot off, instead of looping through the tables, he set up huge conditioks for EVER.LY. SINGLE. TAG.
i.e. if(tag_1) else(tag_2) else(tag_3) etc.

That fucking guy...

I found a weird bug where the output wasn't what I expected to be. After a few tries to fix it, I typed in something I expected was not going to work. It worked....

Taxi driver: "So what course you studying?"
Me: "Software Engineering"
Taxi driver: "Oh, so you know how to hack Facebook and people's bank accounts?"
Me: *facepalm*

Started writing PHP as a tag for a rant and the third suggested tag is "PHP #facepalm". What are people trying to say about PHP? 😝

I was just looking for my phone whilst it was in my hand 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Friend: Hey, so what do you do?

Me: I build backend systems and apis. I work with java/mongodb. I dable into some elixir and kotlin on my free time.

Friend: Cool, can you build me an Android app?

*** writes unit tests with great zeal and fervor ***

IDE is reporting 85% line coverage, woohoo!

*** grins like a bastard, thinks it's perhaps time to stop and celebrate ***

*** runs branch/conditional coverage... ***

37%

*** facepalm ***

Welldone, ad, well done
:Facepalm:

Meeting with an investor who brought two tech advisors.
Advisor A: you should consider using php.
Me: why?
Advisor B: node.js is older.
Me: :|

You can argue about advantages/disadvantages, but how the fuck can you argue with a fucking timeline?!

I'm very focused today, i added a "required" attribute to a button.
#facepalm

Boss: You have one month to finish the program.
Me: It will be complicated but lets see how it goes.
To be cleared the end date is 2 of July.

Boss on the last friday: You have to finish on the 20th of June
Me: Yeah sure....

Boss yesterday: You have to finish on the 15th of June.
Me: You said one month.

Boss today: you have to finish by the end of this week
Me: No problem Boss you will have it tomorrow!!!
Boss: You have to. There are more projects waiting...
Me: -.-

This is what I have to deal with. But hey... don't forget... tomorrow is a new day so ... fuck it.

Had a company BBQ lunch today then someone turned on some dumb movie and everyone is sitting around laughing at it. I'm like how soon can I leave and get back to coding without looking rude....

She: Atom you use is so better than vim
Me: Why?
She: Well it's so colorful!
Me: facepalm :|

I'm such a goof!

I observe that I create problems out of nothing when I'm stressed or even when I'm excited.

Had my US visa interview few days ago.

I might be one of stupidest person this particular consulate employee has seen.

My visa interview was done, I came out of the building and I noticed one of my passport was missing. I panicked and told an employee ( who also happened to be the same employee who took my biometrics - I had also goofed up a little there ) that I forgot my passport in the counter.

Duh, if visa is approved they will take the passport. I already knew it, but still I forgot!

🤦🏻‍♂️

Learn HTML with Samsung

when client sits through a 2h explanation/tutorial for his new CMS and doesn't take any notes.

2 days later, ask where to go to add a product.

I can’t even say what’s wrong with PHP, because— okay. Imagine you have uh, a toolbox. A set of tools. Looks okay, standard stuff in there.

You pull out a screwdriver, and you see it’s one of those weird tri-headed things. Okay, well, that’s not very useful to you, but you guess it comes in handy sometimes.

You pull out the hammer, but to your dismay, it has the claw part on both sides. Still serviceable though, I mean, you can hit nails with the middle of the head holding it sideways.

You pull out the pliers, but they don’t have those serrated surfaces; it’s flat and smooth. That’s less useful, but it still turns bolts well enough, so whatever.

And on you go. Everything in the box is kind of weird and quirky, but maybe not enough to make it completely worthless. And there’s no clear problem with the set as a whole; it still has all the tools.

Now imagine you meet millions of carpenters using this toolbox who tell you “well hey what’s the problem with these tools? They’re all I’ve ever used and they work fine!” And the carpenters show you the houses they’ve built, where every room is a pentagon and the roof is upside-down. And you knock on the front door and it just collapses inwards and they all yell at you for breaking their door.

That’s what’s wrong with PHP.

Hey fam, first post in devrant!

Possible client comes up to me and asks me what my mockup for his app looks like. I show it to him on running on my Android device.

Him: where are all the images and descriptions/info?

Me: you didn't give me any. I just made what it could look like if we had images and descriptions.

Him: well talk to some people in the departments and put it in.

Me: but that's not my job. You wanted me to make what it could look like if we actually went through with this project.

Him: okay. How hard would it be to make it for Apple?

Noooooooooo... I'm out.

Oh my God, how do I even describe how bad this is?!

"I uploaded the [larger] file, but now it's taking longer to download.." ...yes that is generally how the internet works.

It's a new semester and the introductory class for a General Ed is going on.
Prof: What do you want to be when you are done with engineering?
Me: I'd like to be in the security domain but I'm still not sure.
Prof: Then why are you doing Computer Science? You can just get a job as a security personnel.
FML.

Me: We have to update the platform, but before doing this we should backup it.

Client: Ok, but a backup is not enough. What if we were not able to revert to the previous version? We should perform a manual copy.

Me: ... 🤦🏻‍♂️

Actual thing that happened:

I was asked to remake an application from ruby to nodejs with angular as frontend and after few weeks of working on the algorithm, I was finally able to send it to the client to test if the algorithm was working fine, telling him to disregard the actual look and feel of the page because we are still working on it and it will be done soon.

Two weeks later at the meeting :
Me: So? is the algorithm working as you expect? do you get the proper results?
Client: Yes yes yes, but the font in the email is not the right one, it has to be Calibri 12.
Me: ooook ? Sure, it will be done, but i am interested in the algorithm, are you sure you have tested it enough and it is working properly?
Him: Yes yes yes, but please change the font the in the application as well to Calibri 12.

*facepalm*

Unsurpisingly, an in-house client reported a visual bug in IE. So I candidly asked him which version of browser he was running. He told me with confidence: 11. As I couldn't reproduce the bug I asked him where he found the version number. He answered: "below the laptop on a sticker".
Well, it happened to be the year of construction of the computer.

When your roommate thinks you are a cool hacker because your monitor is standing vertically.

So...Worked my butt off to have a website developed by a certain date client and I agreed on. Finished the site 3 weeks ago and sent dev link. Client has been completely silent; unreachable by email (I sent 5 in past 3 weeks) and phone (left 2 voicemails and a message with his receptionist today). In ALL five emails I told him I needed the email addresses he wants used to route his sales leads to...Got nada.

So today I seen that the lead forms have been tested on the website. Dude can't get back to me for 3 effing weeks, BUT can test his lead forms.. You know, without the lead email addresses that i asked for 5x. Ugh, idiot!!!

My friend didn't know what a gif was. When he wanted to add one to his PowerPoint, he went to Google images and searched "short movies"

Being a lead developer, I don't know if I am on the side of developers or managers.
In a product roadmap meet today, one of the developers explained the update of last week. He talked for at least 15 mins.
After that the sales lead looked at me, expecting me to explain (or basically dumb it down for her)
Me: Oh, he meant "UI improvements"
She: Oh, why didn't he say so?

I don't know who was the reason for the FacePalm 😐

Fellow web developer loves to blame any css mistakes on the users "browser" or my favorite, "oh that must be a PC thing it looks great on my Mac"

*Facepalm*

Multi-threading in PHP be like

Real programmer facepalm-

When you argue with a shopkeeper for giving you an expired product because it was dated six months back according to you! Then in between the argument, you realize it follows different date format i.e. dd/MM/yy.
The moment was a real facepalm. 😶

Soon I have a 2-day course on website creation. Yaaay, let’s learn WordPress this brand new technology !

So i helped my friend write a program and i sent it to him. The next day he told me that the code dosent run, so i asked him to show me the errors and apparently he thought C and C++ is the same thing and was trying to run my C code as C++ code...

God dammit why does he need to test things with my account, I have work todo. Can't he just use a 'test' account.

That wonderful first thing in the morning meeting where your PM who has zero coding experience wants to try to critique your already working code... 🙄"I think you forgot a semicolon here..."

*Le me posting a rant on devRant
*Le Rant gets no ++1 for a while
*Yup it was stupid one, delete it

i just had a client ask why their site doesn't work on their Kindle.

I was co-paneling an interview with my manager a while back. After the usual rounds of chitchat we decided to give the candidate a coding test. The problem was not challenging really and there candidate seemed quite confident to show off his coding skills.

This, however, was quickly interrupted by my manager who insisted to describe the actual algorithm for the answer verbally. The act of being helpful confused the hell out of the candidate who increasingly grew nervous.

Eventually my manager decided that there candidate was a failure on the grounds that he being too slow to formulate a solution.

When pressed that there candidate could have completed the test swiftly if he had been left alone, I was told that the company was looking for "drones who can carry out instructions" instead of "creative rebels like you (me)"

I just noticed something... was that there before?

A ticket got escalated through 3 levels of techs. I open the escalation email, then do a Reply-all and ask one simple question:

Is the client really asking why there are gaps in monitoring when their servers are shutdown?

So my teacher wanted to play a movie cos the class got good test results, and so she asked me how to play a movie on her laptop and get it on the TV and this is how it went down...

Teacher: Sukhi, do you think you could help me.

Me: Yea sure, what do you need help with

Teacher: So I want to play a movie tomorrow but I don't know how to get it up on the TV

Me: Oh its easy just get a HDMI cable and plug your laptop into it.

Teacher: Oh yea I have like 6 of those. Ok then see ya tomorrow.

*The next day*

Teacher: Hey Sukhi, heres the HDMI cable. *Pulls out a AUX cord*

Me: *laughing and crying at the same time*

Just spent 30 minutes confused as hell because an API call I wrote just randomly stopped working.

Forgot that I hardcoded an ID for testing purposes and then ended up creating a new object with a new ID.

Needless to say... they didn't match. Explains why my query retrieved zero results.

I have kill many kittens 😔

Look here sir. If I have raised 12 defects on the feature you were working on its not a personal attack... I am not trying to publicly humilate you or doubting your ninja coding skills. We are on the same team. Just trying to make a better product that's my job as qa. So chill out with passive aggressive comments on the tickets.

You don't hear me making a peep when you take my name and say I missed the issue if someone higher up points out the same defects.

Facepalm moment

I'm currently removing hard-coded DB creds in our modules which is in production. I've thought, this format is the worst:

db_dsn = 'db_dsn_conn_1'
conn = pyodbc.connect('DSN=%s'%(db_dsn))

Behold!!

conn = pyodbc.connect('DSN=db_dsn_conn_1')

So my client had a simple request a few days ago.

It read: "can you update the bottom middle image on the about page grid to the attached image".

There were two issues with that that my client cannot seem to comprehend - even after I have emailed them clearly explaining the issues.

The about grid is 4 x 4. Not sure how they expect me to update the "middle image" in a 4 column row, but alas.

The second issue was a little clearer. The attachment they mentioned wasn't an image. It was an empty .txt file.

2 consecutive fails right there :)

Friend: You're good with computers right?
Me: well...yeah why?
Friend: can you have a look at my microwave? something's wrong with it...
Me: ::face palm::

I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Our non-tech customer asked for instructions to deploy our system on any Linux OS. We've written the instructions and sent to him.

Today he sent us an email asking what is this 'git clone' on the first command.

Okay ..assuming that we're one of them: "the idiots" and we're gonna stop sharing things like that , there are like 2B+ monthly active users on Facebook .. don't worry .. we're just gonna do some simple math .
2B x $1000 = $2000B ...
wait .. what ? But ... nvm ..

facePalm();

App fails, Check logs...No error logged. Check source code and debug....
And then you see following piece of code....

try{
//Code to hit an API
}catch(Exception ex){
/*DO NOTHING. Not even log stack trace*/
}

So I had this conversation with my dad
Background : He saw news about some celebrity's Twitter account got hacked.

Dad : Do you know how to hack a Twitter account?
Me : No dad. There are ways for people who do this kind of stuff.
D : But, you studied software engineering!
M : Yeah, but I don't do hacking.
D : Although hacking is not ethical but everyone should know about their field.

*Awkwardly left the room*

Just because I studied computer science doesn't mean that I SHOULD know hacking.

And this is not the first conversation of this kind!

I think this will be a prime year for machine learning. In 2016, there were too many factors at play, like 72, 144, and 42 just to name a few.

After hours of debugging my js script, I finally found out that all my trouble came from a variable that contained the string “true“ instead of a boolean value. I kinda hate javascript now...

Recruiter: how many years of experience do you have?
Me : 4
Recruiter: the client wants someone with a minimum of 5 years
Me : okay then, let me know if anything else is available.
Recruiter: You can change your resume... just add a year.
Me : ???? No thanks
Recruiter: they’ll never know ... you can tell them later
Me : ....

*on phone*
Friend: I want to add 100 contacts to gmail how do I do that?
Me: Add those in excel sheet and import it in gmail

*after 10 mins another call*
Friend: I deleted something in excel. How do I get it back
Me: Ctrl Z

*after 10 mins another call*
Friend: I added contacts to excel and emailed to you. Can you email me contacts so that I'll add to my gmail?
Me; I don't have these powers. You have to import in gmail.

*after 5 mins another call*
Friend: I uploaded contacts but I want it in on my iPhone
Me: Add gmail account to your iPhone. It will sync contacts.
Friend: I know we can do it on Android but is it possible on iPhone bcz Gmail is of Google right?

*hang up*

That feeling when you about to leave at work and ready for the long holiday, and suddenly there's a 🔥. You need to investigate and fix the issue. What a day!

A rant posted by @h313 reminded me of this email I had received earlier..

Yesterday evening my family were watching his favourite tv show. Have nothing to do i too sat there with them.

The scenes on television were going like : The leading lady of the show were trying to convince her family that her husband is not involved in the molestations which police has charged on him. Person can be look alike of her husband. In fact my husband was some where else when the molestation was happening. She also had a proof and that was CCTV camera footage in a Compact Disk. So she started playing it in the TV presented in room with CD player. But it turns out that CD can't be played because villain hired a hacker to corrupt video quality playing in TV.

I laughed because in my knowledge that was not even possible in real life. Every family memeber started staring at me.

My mother : That's what you do? No? That's what you do whole day in your office?
Me: No, no. I....
My mother: See her face. Poor lady.
Me: But mom, that's impossible. It is just fiction. In real life it is not possible.
My mother : Get out of my sight.

My mom did not dine yesterday. These fucking serial maker. These women's.

There are users that copy shortcut from their desktop somewhere to make a backup. We laugh at them. I just copied symlink to my flash drive and realized it only when I copied it back to different computer and target didn't existed.

I am starting to understand why ranting about PHP is so popular. I am busy upgrading a site and a stray, random "N" slipped into my code from a misguided phpstorm command, somewhere outside any html to be parsed. Turned out that that broke the rendering of the Google Maps API iframe. Just why.

Co worker said Windows will have Linux commands implemented therefore we should throw Linux.

So i was talking to my client the other day and this is what happened....

Me: So what features do you want in the Progress Tracker in the app.

Client: (takes his IPAD out and opens the FitBit app) This is a really nice progress tracker.

Me: Alright so what features would you like in Progress Tracker, eg: would you maybe like them to check in everyday making sure that they have done exercise or something.

Client: *Shows me his goal in steps (which was 10,000 if anyone was wondering) and shows me other features of the app and not telling me what to do in his own one* These look nice.

Me: Alright so do you want a Step Tracker, Calories Tracker etc.

Client: Nooooo, I want other things.

Me: Ok lets get discussing what are these "other things"

Client: *Continues to show me the FitBit app*

Me: *facepalm*

Interviewer : what is mean by PHP?
Me : Programmer hates Programming...😯

I was working on my OOD class project (code analyzer) while my gf was trying to watch greys anatomy...for some reason Netflix and watch series wasn't working and she asked me what do I do...
My spontaneous reply: have u tried github...😕
Her reply: what is that is it like a porn site

At school...
Antivirus protects you from all the bad things on the internet. If you download an antivirus, your computer is safe. I recommend one like McAfee or FreeAntivirus. Also, there aren't virus for Mac.
(Then they ask how things like The Podesta Emails happen)

" What's the big deal ?
It's just an if condition right ? " - Every manager / product owner ever.

And all the devs be like #facepalm !

When you think the code from companies like Google and Facebook is flawless, but then you look at the source code of Parse 1.5.0 and find an if statement with the condition 'browser' === 'browser'

Oh God.. This is not how captcha works...

People here expect me to use strncmp(str,"ABC",strlen("ABC")) because they think strcmp(str,"ABC") is going to crash. Because they've had experiences of using strcmp and getting crashed.

All they did was, pass inside strcmp, strings that did not carry terminating null character but won't accept if i told so.

I have this login page on my app. A user (a number of them actually) told me that they can't log in because the app tells them to "login in later". 😨

Is my button for deciding to login later so poorly designed that it looks like a message?

And the only way you can log in later is by pressing the frikin button, how does a person, with a smart phone tell me for the second time that its telling them to log in later

Aaaah ! So fuckin done with this Server error !

I am checking if a cookie is set in Php and if it is, I am redirecting user to some page, basically its a 'remember me' logic. But this fucking error comes in everytime my page redirects.

I have a similar logic to check if user is currently logged in the current session,and if he opens a new window and types the url(index.php) he is automatically logged in (obviously,duh !) and redirected,bt it dosent crash at that time!

Help 😥

Overconfidence​ is striking again. Some companies are really begging for it... Found this cup in the kitchen of a client. And it is the slogan of an external contractor. It says: this network is unavailable for hackers. I think this is worth at least a triple facepalm

OMFG. Here's a self-rant for you all...

So, working on a JS library to build widgets, I five across some weird behaviour where I expect `$.ajax.apply()` to pass something to the chained `.done()` method, but it comes out differently.

Fuck. Right, time to visit StackOverflow and glean some knowledge.

I post a question, complete with examples and descriptions and a little midget unicorn in the corner for world peace.

Come back a bit later to see what's happened, and nobody understands my damn question!

So I proceed to debate a few points with some other devs, going back and forth for a while, but still nobody knows what I'm asking.

Fuck. Time for a JSFiddle...

Copy code from the jQuery docs and start modifying it to show what I was working with... Now suddenly is all working as the docs say.

O.o

So I go look back at my own code again to try work out what's actually going on.

Turns out I completely missed MY OWN CODE.

Fuck me.

classmate: *asks something about our topic*

teacher: "uhm hold on" *goes to stackoverflow on screen where everyone can see* "there's your answer"

classmate: "thanks..... i could have done it by myself but ok"

>> let stack overflow be our teacher

That lovely moment when a client calls out of the blue at 4:30PM (we close at 5), 3 weeks before scheduled launch and says, "My website goes down tomorrow so where are we at with the new site?" So...I scrambled all day today to get the site done and it turns out they don't even own their domain or control their DNS. (facepalm) They put in a 30 day cancellation with their current provider and didn't bother to mention we had barely 2 weeks to develop a full custom site.

Go for a job as an developer. Tell them I'm not UX/UI I'm more engineer / coder... "We understand, that's what we want"... Complete the coding project.... "Sorry it's not very pretty, and a bit off on the iPhone screen..." - fuck you.

Came across this in a site work took on from another agency. Bad JS calculation of someone's age, there was many other terrible date manipulation parts throughout the site

I brought my laptop and stuff to school the other day, it was my final period before school was over and it was more "do what you want" kind of thing. So I was playing with my terminal (since I have Linux) and one of the students came up to me and asked "What are you playing? Is that a game?", luckily I wasn't in that pissy mood so I just tried my best to explain to him what I was doing.

When you realise that php.net is running on version 5.4.16

My day so far:
"No, we can't just make that public."
"See this? That's a SQL injection..."
"We have output escaping, please use it..."

I hate php but I love laravel :|

A client asked me to include a GA tracking code into her website,

I said yea I'll add it for you, just send me the code snippet please :)

she sent me the URL to google analytics login page....

I told her that I need the code snippet not the URL.

She replied: yah that's what I sent.

Me:...

So, I was going to make a little startup script to a friends laptop. I opened it up to realize I didn't know the PIN (not sure why it used a PIN instead of a password, but it did).

I looked up at the username, and it was in the format [name][number]. I though, "surely, no...." and tried it.

Yup. His username was basically [username][mypassword].

*sigh*

My boss uses Firefox in a regular basis until he decides that Internet Explorer is the perfect browser to test our recently built e-commerce website.

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

I've had my share of "Hey you know computers, right?".
When I was getting my degree I drove a taxi on the weekends.
My boss calls me:
"Hey, my laptop is acting weird, could you have a look?"
Curious; I ask what it's doing.
"There's a pair of sunglasses covering the entire screen. Maybe it's a bra, I don't know."
Wtf?
When I left the taxi at his house, I had a look. I start the computer, Windows boots up, and sure enough, it looks like a pair of sunglasses is covering the screen, kind of.
I also notice a crack in the screen from top to bottom.
"So what kind of virus is this?!"

He felt stupid when I told him what the problem was. I ordered a new screen and replaced it for him and told him not to sit on his laptop again. 😜

Oh, I've got one.

Selfie trash can. It captures your selfie and uploads it to social media whenever you the throw trash, to promote usage of trash can!

When you try to help someone clean their computer over the phone, and they install a new program to "clean" their computer mid-call.

Don't you just love it when you're in the middle of an agreed content freeze and a marketing drone demands an immediate content deployment to production because they made a blog post and it's "super urgent" that it goes live right now.

Sooooooo😒 definitely NOT PyBrain! Can't trust a website about python built in php

Today I got a message from a potential client. See following excerpt:
Me - "ok I'll need you to give me a brief before I can send you my quote."
Potential client - *sends me only a screenshot from the damn App Store showing an existing app with the desired features*

when u r hired as a django developer and told to learn php also in the first week. (gonna quit this job)

Designer: Can you turn a design into HTML/CSS for me?

Me: Sure just send me the design.

//Hands over 300dpi PDF created in InDesign...

so... while this may not be *my* code, I do have to claim a fair share of the responsibility for allowing it to exist. o.o

I'm busy fixing it now though.

> note: proprietary names have been blurred, naturally.

Company uses Trello to track bugs and features the devs are doing.

End of the week the PM: "So what bugs and features did you work on this week?"

If only there was a platform that we could track all these things... 🤦‍♂️

Lately my sister's sound wasn't working. So i came over to see, whats wrong. Her boyfriend was also there, who claims to be a programmer himself, so i asked myself why he hasn't already solved the issue. But instead of asking, i just got on her computer and looked around.

First, i checked the audio jack, which was plugged in normally. There's a little wheel on the table, controlling the volume. There was a little light on it, shining. I assumed, it had to be a software problem and got into Windows' Audio Manager. Everything was okay. I spent the next 10 minutes checking EVERYTHING, even tried a restart (obviously changed nothing, but you never know ;D ). Drivers, Audio Settings, everything was okay.

Desperately I leant back in the chair and shot some looks around. Turns out, the plug wasn't plugged in. *facepalm*

The little light, shining on the wheel, seems to get its power through the audio jack.

It's always the simplest thing.

Me: Hey what's the default password for this?
Classmate: password?
Me: yeah the password. What is it by default?
Classmate: no that's it. Just "password"
Me: :/

😂😂😂 lol oh no what will we do when hackers takeover the world by printing an endless stream of planetary gears. Shame on you Harvard for such a poor picture choice.

trying to get a feature to work and then realizing you turn it off over a month ago.

I swear to God, Days i feel stupid i Look at my PM's code changes and laugh.

What kind of Fuck Tard creates an api call just to return JSON(true)

And to top it off I pulled the latest after his poisonous stench was added and gave me a broken build!

Serious! D ass clown put in a variable with the same name twice, does this buck not build before he commits?

Im starting to believe that this is a hidden camera show where they pulled a fucking mental patient out fking looney toon land and gave him a PM job in a tech company!

Meanwhile in Russia one of the most important banks and its online payment services failed for 6 hours because of the broken cable during road works

Been working at a new job for two months and had a code review on the latest project.

My senior asked me why I had used interfaces because he dosent see the point in them and that they aren't useful. #facepalm

One of my students failed one of the necessary tasks for exam admittance, then handed in the next one (even a bit too late via email instead of uploading it properly lol). Then I reminded him that he already failed the course and that I cant accept his solution, thinking he might not have read my previous evaluation?

"oh yea, that's right, i remember now!"

I mean like.. how do you forget something like that?!?!

That feelings when you want to run a server-side script without server. Feels stupid for 30 sec, then I installed xampp. (Also first rant! )

I am ashamed to admit that I only learned recently that omitting 'var' in a JS variable declaration inside a function gives the variable global scope. So that's why it wasn't working properly....

That feel *facepalm*

🤦🏻‍♂️

In php: Arrays: worst way to sort is the fucking sort() function.

Just solved a bug that was plaguing me for a week straight. Turns out I re-instantiated an Arraylist after adding all the elements to it. For no apparent reason. Face fucking palm

Found this deep in a project I worked on around 3 years ago, thanks past self 🙄

So we are building this website that basically allows customers to draw wardrobes(dragging and dropping). The clients wanted an image to be generated as well. So we used a screenshot plugin that basically extracts html and css of the drawing and generates a file. As the wardrobe gets complex(more html), it takes some time to save. So if the internet speed is slow, there are chances of failure.
Just last week they kept complaining that it keeps getting stuck, so we checked the problem multiple times to find that it worked fine and got a max time of 15s to save. So we had a video call with them.. Well they were frozen the entire time with 'trying to connect' issues! Now we know the cause after spending hours reproducing the issue. So the client kept telling us that our internet is fine. So she casts her screen switching preloaded tabs in her browser, claiming ''see, my internet is fine''

Had design call with designer, myself and client. At end of call we tell client we're going to send a mock up and that it's just going to be a flat image/JPG, because we don't start developing the site until mock up is 100% approved. I sent mock up to client once it's finished.

Client: "Why isn't this working? I can't click anything and nothing moves."

interface Flyable {
public static final int wings = 2;
void fly();
}

This is a good use of interface a/c to my CS Prof
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

That awkward moment when you realize you haven't been editing the file you should have been.

Overheard PHP developer say: "I don't like Node.js, it should be more like PHP where everything is async."

Developing a web portal to handle college placements.
During the showcasing of the project ,this senior lecturer comes up to us and just when we started the explanation,he stops in mid sentence and asks "where is the artificial intelligence". When the entire portal was built to automate the process,he wanted some AI.
We were dumbstruck. The stupid expectations of senior faculty never cease to amaze me.

I think I may have officially gotten myself fired before I even started a new job. My salaried start date was supposed to be Jan 3 but they hired me to do spot work at my hourly rate until then. My server side PHP skills were never great but they appear to be completely inadequate to the task of patching their undocumented, spaghetti legacy code. I just sent a note basically saying I either need to convert their entire site to something else 3 weeks ahead of the timeframe we planned or to basically outsource my work to another developer to patch this code. Feeling like a total imposter at the moment. I wouldn't hire me.