I can tell everything I need to know about you by looking at where you put your curly brackets.

No offense, but if you're expecting 0 and not -80, then you know you're using floats.... Are there really devs that don't know what floating point round off is?

Best part of being a dev?

Fixing everyone's printer, malware, and Windows update issues. Love that!

alias fucking='sudo'

Now swearing at your terminal DOES fix problems.

Guy: A social network with some very special features that nobody else has.
Me: Okay. Let's discuss these features so I can write you a quote.
Guy: I can't talk about that until I know how much an app costs.

Commence an impasse over whether I can quote something without knowing the features. And yes, I tried explaining he should get a NDA. And no, a NDA wasn't good enough; I need to quote it without any knowledge of the features.

You know those alcohol breathalyzers they put on cars when you drunk drive?

Putting those on our VCS server.

If you already know the best way to get this project done, then why are you paying us? Do it yourself then!

They say: If you build this app, I'll give you 10% equity.

I hear: If you work for 6 weeks straight, I'll give you somewhere in between 0 and 5 million dollars.

I thought I was a senior dev. But reading devrant, I realise that I know fuck-all about development.

Mom: You gave our keyboard a virus with your programming! You're not allowed to use the computer any more!
(the keyboard was 10 years old)