I need a vacation.
I’m horribly depressed and burned out, every day for months has been a little harder than the last, and really doing anything at all is a monumental challenge, work or otherwise. Let alone working on the fucking screwdriver.

I told my boss last night and requested time off.

His response?
> Oh no, but the new screwdriver! We were all really really hoping to get it out by the end of the month!

I’m a crumpled wreck and all you care about is the fucking screwdriver that PRACTICALLY NOBODY WILL FUCKING USE? Seriously dude, go to hell.

I’m putting in for time off anyway.

I also talked to HR about it and asked for advice and resources. That should help protect me from management if anything goes poorly.

Well I feel like if you don't get it you should probably just quit, or something, because if you continue it sounds like it could have serious long time health implications

@Root take all the time you need.

I wish the topic wasn't so "taboo".

The math is simple: the losses of 6 weeks of recovery and then slowly starting by e.g. working part time - is nothing compared to loosing someone's knowledge who's been working on a project for the same amount of time. The longer someone worked at as company the less replaceable he is...

Management might want to tell the story differently, but at least the good managers are well aware of it.

Sadly. Sadly. Very sadly. Management doesn't require courses in dealing with the taboo topics. :(

@IntrusionCM Six weeks and slowly rejoining sounds about right.

I’ll be lucky to get two weeks, separated by several weeks of work. And complaints that I’m not being productive enough.

@Root gngnrhrhehhsbdhshebsbsbsbsbbbnsnjes!

*gooozfraba*

Yeah. And this helps nothing at all.

It will only worsen the situation.

Fucking managers, people in general are totally unaware that the brain gets tired as well. If he keeps driving you through the ground your performance is only going to get worse

Et tu?
Not sure if it's an option from where you are, but here you can actually go on sick leave if burned out..

I was hospitalised once, they had to confiscate my phone and they restricted my access to comunity computer because I was still checking work emails non stop... I do not wanna go down that road again..

@AtuM I burned out from the game industry like that. It’s quite literally why I’m a web dev now.

I couldn’t take the never-ending impossible deadlines, the crunch (insane overtime), the shit from management and execs, the shit from players, etc. I love game dev so much, but there’s no way I can return.

Maybe some indie studio, someday.

I’ve had managers that have pushed me through times like this to deliver. They were good folks, just also under pressure from high on up as well. A good manager would at least let you know that you’re going to get some time off soon, and to also let you take some half days while you get there. Don’t underestimate the power of a half day Friday. Yes, you need more time off than that to recharge, but a little refresher like an early start to the weekend can work wonders.

@fiftyhz A half day once a week might have helped several months ago.

Two months ago a normal 8-9 hour day felt like a half day. This week... I’m not even here anymore, let alone productive.

Half an hour’s effort last year is two days’ worth of trying to work today.

@Root

Yeah. Cause your body is quite literally kept in a state of stress.

Hence the 6 weeks rule. If it's not working at all, get 6 weeks off. Here in Germany it's not so much a problem as an doctor can declare you unable to work.

Still the route is dangerous as an absence for more than 2 weeks rings all kinds of alarm bells.... (Speaking from experience...) Leading to a lot of unpleasant discussions especially due to the fact that you can't be fired here in Germany. (Which is a good thing, except some managers then try to "outsmart" the law system... you can guess what I mean I think - you're nicely forced out, lawful evil in RPG games).

And even here, getting a psychiatrist is russian roulette. Which I'd highly recommend, cause taking away the stress usually leads to a lot of other problems, sadly.

Very honest here: better jobless then struggling with recovery for years.

That's one experience from my life I wish noone.

I've had this problem too... and man does it suck. What really helped me was getting out in nature. And this is coming from someone who would rather sit at my desk all day lol

@IntrusionCM forces out means they reassign to some mind numbing boring job so you have to find a new one just so u can keep ur skills up to date and feel useful?

Guess that works... If you can't wfh.

My bro sorta doing... But just play games all day during work hours...

Sorta like Wally.

@Root just remember HR protects the company, not the employees.

@mundo03 So very well aware.
Calculated risk and hedge.

@donuts nope.

In my case I got the clients from hell.

And everything else that was labeled "doomed to fail".

@IntrusionCM if you can’t get fire your employees in Germany, can you resort to not paying them 👹? Lol. That would be my approach

...Continued (devRants stupid posting rules strike again) I’ll give out a final severance as their last payment

Literally most of the bosses act this way...

Same here

RELATABLE

Put yourself first. A healthy mum is a happy mum who can raise happy children. I know coz my mum was depressed all through my childhood

@witchDev I’m trying ...

@Root I am ROOT-ING for you 💕

@Root lemme tell you HR is not there for you but for the company benefit

@krlooss Please read above.

But to summarize/restate: in this case, I made HR aware of the legal exposure from firing me for performance reasons as it is illegal to fire someone for a mental illness. It would also contravene their own “core values.”

So yes, while HR is there, not for the employees but to protect the company, informing them was a calculated risk.

HR still hasn’t followed up with me or even asked how I’ve been doing. It’s been five weeks now, and I haven’t heard a single word from them.

Then again I haven’t had anyone ask how I’ve been doing except my girlfriend. (And boss because of the screwdriver project.) 😕

@Root so honestly, how are you doing? did something make you happy today?

@krlooss
I appreciate it.

In answer: I’m doing poorly.

It’s Monday, which means I had two days away from burnout stressors. I feel a little bit better.

Honestly though, I haven’t felt happy in months. Most of the time I feel like I’m in a grey fog where nothing feels real. I’m numb, can’t focus, and find myself just staring at the walls. I still get tired, but can’t sleep.

I haven’t felt much of anything.

When I do reach out to people, or spend my little bit of energy to do nice things for people, I get ignored and my efforts often simply go unnoticed.

As for today... I slept poorly, had no hot water for my shower this morning, and the curtain kept falling on me. During standup I realized I forgot half of my morning routine.

@Root well if you were on the cold shower challenge at least you'd have scored one in the morning.
I don't have much advice to give apart that for improving my sleeping I have ditched drinking coffee, you could try it if you are having much of it

@krlooss I was avoiding both caffeine and alcohol for quite awhile. I read they made recovery from several things more difficult.

I tried alcohol again a week or so ago, and found it didn’t seem to make things worse. But i don’t drink much or often, especially now.

Caffeine, though. It makes my day a little bit better and i feel a little more energetic, but the following day is always so very much worse. Like, I’m almost completely unable to even do basic things like shower or eat.

I haven’t been able to improve my sleep no matter what I try. Going to bed early, late, having melatonin, avoiding all blue light for an hour beforehand, showering before bed, having tea, using earplugs, extra or fewer blankets, listening to music... nothing has helped.

@Root maybe exercise like crazy?

Going through a depression really does drain you, especially your mental abilities. When I go through one, basic programming tasks are so much harder. I’m hoping no one sees code I wrote while depressed bc I would be laughed out of the room

@krlooss I would say trying to maybe get yourself physically exhausted could help. I myself don't really have sleep problems but I sleep much better when I have had an intense day of physical work. I do notice that while I get really mentally tired from working from home all day, I tend to still be physically untouched in most regards.

not really

This sounds (!) like me after my auto immune disease.

My cortisol hormone levels went bananas... Clinical depression thx to heavy cortisone treatments.

Lesson learned: when your body is in constant stress mode, you can't sleep.

I've tried everything and anything. After 3 years and a lot of doctors, I finally got the right therapy. Hint: Talking doesn't help ;)

I was most of the time awake till exhaustion knocked me out.

30 - 40 hours... No problem.

:/

@IntrusionCM You have my email, right? root-devrant@tuta.io

I don’t think I have the same causes, but I would like to compare notes and try things that have worked for you.

@Root will try to catch up tomorrow.

Currently brain fried.

@Root exercise, seriously!! Just did a kick ass workout after feeling really down today and fuck I feel like a god!!

Don't forget that HR works for the same company. I've been there, done that and in the end concluded that they are all the same shit. You're by yourself so just trust your guts. Maybe it's time to leave... And even then, you will see how much they care...

@pmike They don’t.
Really nobody does.