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Search - "i hate mornings"
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It saved me from suicide.
You have to understand first that things in India work differently. Academics are not personal, but a social business. Academic competition in India is very high and not in a good way, or for the good reasons.
As a teenager was sent off from my home to the other side of the country. I didn't like it. My studies suffered, and I failed my exams. Came back home and faced months of emotional abuse (guilt trips, scornful comments, plain insults) from my parents, neighbours and relatives. Indian society is just built that way. They didn't know they were damaging my psyche, or they were too angry to care. Lots of other shit (lost friends, lost love) happened at roughly the same time period and everything started to fall like dominos.
I fell into severe depression. Lost appetite, lost sleep. Nothing mattered anymore. There were mornings when I would wake up and not get up from my bed for hours, and not even move a finger. Self-hate became the motto of the day. I became violent and anti-social. I would either be angry or trying not to break down and give up all the time. Many a night, I considered suicide. I would end up googling for easy ways out to take.
But what gave me a way out of the pains of my reality was programming. It helped my keep my head, figuratively and literally. It kept my mind distracted and gave me a sense of purpose. I would shut myself in, plug in my headphones, shut the world out and just experiment.
I am not saying that I am the best at what I do, but those sleepless and troubled nights, and many other similar nights over the years have given me a definite edge over my colleagues.
Even today, when everything is falling to pieces, I know I have something to fall back on. I still get episodes of depression every now and then, but I know I can always pick up a new project and distract myself. It probably isn't healthy, but eh...
I am alive. I code. I kick ass. My colleagues respect and value my opinion. I love my job.
Computer does what I tell it to do (mostly :p) and I feel good. Because for that small moment, I am in control of everything. For that infinitesimally small moment of my average, boring, and somewhat painful life, I am God.51 -
Alright, I’ve got a question for some of you who may have felt this way or currently are feeling this way.
I’m burnt out. I hate my job(s), I hate computers, technology, programming, etc. Honestly, at my primary job because shit is so bad, I haven’t even set an alarm clock to wake up in the mornings for the simple fact that I just don’t give a fuck anymore. My direct supervisor is the same way. This place is falling apart and honestly I’m welcoming it.
I’ve grown up with computers my whole life. When I was younger my brother would hack and tamper with shit just to test the limits. To see what he and his machine were capable of. My dad, he was always taking computers apart, anything that had a board, it was at one point taken apart to see how it worked, and when put together; always worked. They liked modifying and testing the limits of things... the shit I use to enjoy...
I guess what I’m trying to ask is, how do you gain a passion back for something that has faded away over a period of time... I truly hope I haven’t forever lost a passion for computers and every subclass under it, but I fear as though I have... How do you guys get it back?6 -
me vs my job at mnc (not laggards anymore) part 8/n
so... 13 days has past and now i know somewhat about the "system" and coming to terms with it. maybe this is my first time working from office (in hybrid mode) or maybe i have worked with startups that provide some great delicacies in the name of work culture, i.... have some things that i like and dislike.
like :
- once the initial disastrous onboarding was done and i had access to most of the tools, resources and people i needed, i looked into the codebase to much of my relief. it is verbose and shitty, but like, filled with good latest shit . all the the latest architectures, libraries, etc will keep me on toes for next 3 or so months and i will get a hang to being an awesome blazing fast android dev (the thing which i was in my first job and which got seriously impacted in my 2nd job)
- no one is batting an eye as i join the office at 10 am and leave by sharp 5 pm (although i highly doubt it will go unnoticed. official timings are 9-7 and i will have to learn some politics to deal with it. the 7-9 slot in mornings and evenings are highly crowded ,brain bursting periods )
- wfo is 2/5 days
dislike :
- they are killing me with jira :'( . instead of using story points, they want us to put time estkmates and add hours to that estimate each day :/ this sucks, i hate opening jira more than once a week
- my senior seems like sly guy. he's 1 or 2 years older than me, but with better experience in both tech and politics. previously we both got a task and he was able to finish it on Friday while i was not able to complete it on weekend as well as today. turns out he was buttering our (cute) PM, going bro code with TL and got to know which task will be smaller. and even after that today he was just sitting idly doing all the buttering / dude-ing every imp person and i was also distracted/ laughing at his antics. need to learn how to deal with that guy and infact become that guy
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previous : https://devrant.com/rants/6566426/...1