Make someone create a shitload of tests for your shitty code, then don't give a shit when your commit break almost everything, finally; make the guy who wrote the tests figure your shit out.

Bonus points: Whine about something that's been broken for weeks "without you knowing" when the test suites have been saying exactly that since your commit.

PM: Can you help out writing a test suite for feature X? Really high priority!
Me: Ok, give me a day or so.

I get it done, and setup in CI-tool to test on the feature branch.

*Next day*

PM: It doesn't work! Can you have a look?
Me: Uhm yeah.
Only broken on feature branch of course.

Dev working on feature X: Ok pushed a potential fix, can you run test suite again?
PM: Yes, can you get on that asap?

CAN YOU RUN YOUR OWN FUCKING TESTS?

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

PO: "I'll email you the details."
Me: Sure, I'll start with what I have right now.

I start coding, 7 hours later I got something working, not sure if it's what he wants.

Still no email.

I might have a followup rant tomorrow when he tells me it's not what he wanted at all.

I've had my share of "Hey you know computers, right?".
When I was getting my degree I drove a taxi on the weekends.
My boss calls me:
"Hey, my laptop is acting weird, could you have a look?"
Curious; I ask what it's doing.
"There's a pair of sunglasses covering the entire screen. Maybe it's a bra, I don't know."
Wtf?
When I left the taxi at his house, I had a look. I start the computer, Windows boots up, and sure enough, it looks like a pair of sunglasses is covering the screen, kind of.
I also notice a crack in the screen from top to bottom.
"So what kind of virus is this?!"

He felt stupid when I told him what the problem was. I ordered a new screen and replaced it for him and told him not to sit on his laptop again. 😜

Fourth day at new job, hired as a C++ developer.
"We think you'll be a good fit in this team!"
It's a huge JavaScript project. I feel lost and confused 😓

One devs commit messages always starts with "Committing changes..."

Oh rly?!

I see people ranting about first going to google.com and then searching. The browsers at my workplace won't let you do a search in the address bar, not even in the search field that says Google.
So now I do the same thing at home and realize how stupid it is milliseconds later.
Not frustrating at all.

When you no longer need to search SO in your daily work, it's time to look for a new job.

I come back after a week of vacation and everything is broken.
What does Jenkins say?
Jobs disabled days ago.
- Yeah it hangs randomly and is blocking other projects.

Don't know if I'm gonna cry or laugh like a maniac, maybe both.

Unrealistic deadlines, and my dev environment is lagging so bad I can barely type. I can't work like this!

At my first job as a dev, after about 2-3 weeks in, my team got a new member. Him and I were the only devs in that team. Supposedly he had 1 year professional experience of C++. After about a week I started noticing he was slow, he also wrote down basically everything I said, if I said I needed a bathroom break he almost wrote that down too.
During a break he asked me; what's a constructor?
Needless to say I was doing both his and my job for 6-7 months before someone else realized he was useless and removed him. Since I was new I didn't know how to react, do I tell anyone? :-/
On the bright side, I learned a lot and we still delivered well before the deadline.

const int Zero = 0;

Wow, thanks! 🙄

Alright, I just need to add a new state to this state machine...
*class explosion*
... 6 hours later ...
Wtf was I doing again?

That feeling when you have a messy merge, nothing works but don't give a shit and go home for the weekend, that's Monday guy's problem!

Pair programming a major refactoring, colleague tries to change _everything_ simultaneously. Spent hours fixing compiler errors, now it's not linking. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯