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I have the opposite story, I was a programmer before I was depressed and depression (and PTSD) impacted my programming heavily... I use to code at work, get home and code until bedtime almost every day and I loved it and was really really good. Now I can barely force myself to do coding at home and at work I need to take a lot of breaks and can't do nearly as much as I could... Nice to see the reverse in someone :)
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Damn dude, you might have just become an inspiration to many @dfox I vote for this as the Twitter rant ( I know it probably won't matter )
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@dotnetter u can use favorites
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@dotnetter you can favorite it
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@solecki you should go to the shrink. It's possible that you're not depressed (ok, depression as effect not as source of the problem). You might be ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. Some mild stimulating pill (think like: Adderall) might have amazing effects on you.
Wrll, I think I send many people to see a shrink, but it's hard to watch people struggle with similar problems than you and not suggest the solution that works for you. -
@mt3o what is shrink?
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When I posted this, I was a bit drunk. I usually don't open up, but alcohol really did lower my inhibitions. When I woke up the next day, I was a bit horrified to think what people might comment. Ah, introvert problems...
When I went through the comments however, I was really overwhelmed by your support and love.
Thank you, everyone - for your thoughts. It makes a huge difference to know that people care and understand where I am coming from, and to find that many of us went through similar experiences.
Love you all. -
@dfox Rant of the week..
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@Bikonja you're describing a burn out... Just had one of those.. If so you need help
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You are Simply right !!
Like Torvalds says (but i think that almost every programmer thought about It at least One time)
Coding speeds you up in the tech-users hierarchy , and makes you feel like a "superhero" in front of the keyboard, the only limit Is time, maybe...
Edit: actually Torvalds said that you Can Be a Little-sized god :-) -
I can honestly relate to every word of this. Good on you! Stay strong c:
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is actually to avoid it, especially if the problem is you. Coding saved me from my own brain and also melts the fucking thing ;) but it's code that makes my life fun again. Well done! :) -
@RodrigoF @Bikonja what war if I may ask?
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@RodrigoF jesus took me a while to figure out what you're talking about. People usually associate PTSD with war because it's the most common cause, but it's far from the only cause. Pretty much any trauma can cause PTSD. In my case, it was a terrible car crash... If you want more details drop me some other way to contact you. I don't have anything to hide, but I don't want to just publicly write about this. I've had enough of the public hearing about it...
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I am in a very low state at the moment because of the project I am working on, more so the chosen platform (Dynamics CRM), I feel I have no control over what it's doing despite my best efforts.
Your story has made me feel like light will be at the end of the tunnel, I just wish Dynamics would just fuck off.
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Hahaha barcode's suicide 😂
It saved me from suicide.
You have to understand first that things in India work differently. Academics are not personal, but a social business. Academic competition in India is very high and not in a good way, or for the good reasons.
As a teenager was sent off from my home to the other side of the country. I didn't like it. My studies suffered, and I failed my exams. Came back home and faced months of emotional abuse (guilt trips, scornful comments, plain insults) from my parents, neighbours and relatives. Indian society is just built that way. They didn't know they were damaging my psyche, or they were too angry to care. Lots of other shit (lost friends, lost love) happened at roughly the same time period and everything started to fall like dominos.
I fell into severe depression. Lost appetite, lost sleep. Nothing mattered anymore. There were mornings when I would wake up and not get up from my bed for hours, and not even move a finger. Self-hate became the motto of the day. I became violent and anti-social. I would either be angry or trying not to break down and give up all the time. Many a night, I considered suicide. I would end up googling for easy ways out to take.
But what gave me a way out of the pains of my reality was programming. It helped my keep my head, figuratively and literally. It kept my mind distracted and gave me a sense of purpose. I would shut myself in, plug in my headphones, shut the world out and just experiment.
I am not saying that I am the best at what I do, but those sleepless and troubled nights, and many other similar nights over the years have given me a definite edge over my colleagues.
Even today, when everything is falling to pieces, I know I have something to fall back on. I still get episodes of depression every now and then, but I know I can always pick up a new project and distract myself. It probably isn't healthy, but eh...
I am alive. I code. I kick ass. My colleagues respect and value my opinion. I love my job.
Computer does what I tell it to do (mostly :p) and I feel good. Because for that small moment, I am in control of everything. For that infinitesimally small moment of my average, boring, and somewhat painful life, I am God.
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suicide
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