closedAt: 1; DROP TABLE `users`; --

Look at that. The very fucking smart colleague spent 40 days implementing a repository pattern (WHEN WE'RE USING AN ACTIVE RECORD ORM), breaking stuff left and right. Does he use that fucking pattern at the very least?

Of course he doesn't. And along the way he's making sure to create conflicts with the stuff he broke (and I'm fixing). By the time I fix the merge conflicts of one commit, he pushed 6 of them.

Boss: we can't accept your MR request until you fix the problems we highlighted, everything is blocked and the client is getting angry

My brother in Christ, I understand your concerns but I need you to understand: you decided to block a perfectly working and documented PR because you didn't like having "<!-- -->" in a couple of HTML files and menial bullshit like that.
It may not be the most elegant thing ever but don't put on me the responsibility of your blocks or I'll smash your face with the coffee mugs I've used to work until midnight so that you could deliver the product in time after someone else delayed the deadline twice already.
Thanks and get fucked ASAP.

MICROMANAGEMENT

I got assigned a milestone we had delayed twice already. It needs to be ready for tomorrow, it's harsh but doable.

Guy from another team, looks at my folder system during the presentation, something like
"src/views/users/view-all/view-all.template.html" and starts whining "hurr durr this isn't good tho, you should have chosen a significant name, it's impossible to understand what this file does".

Honest thought: if you can't navigate through folders, you shouldn't be writing code in the first place.

What the fuck am I even doing with my life

SOME GUY IN MY TEAM, PROBABLY: I don't want to get political, but what the actual FUCK is boolean?

I wouldn't have a problem with opinionated tools
Unfortunately, their opinions tend to be retarded

IHateForALiving: gentlemen, my unit tests are randomly falling. Sometimes the login procedure just fails for no apparent reason, did any of you encounter this problem?
The very fucking smart colleague®: DID YOU REMEMBER TO PLACE YOUR AUTHORIZATION HEADER

Of course
The authorization header.
To fucking log in.
Because you have to be logged in before you can log in.
That's the standard, of course.

GIRLS PRANK
Omg I changed her lipstick with one of a slightly different color I'm so random she'll go CrAaAaAzY

BOYS PRANK
Use Tampermonkey to transform your colleague's pc into a chinese botnet and redirect him to some PCC website on every click forever

Yeah long story short that's how my previous firm blocked access to domains hosted by the Chinese government.

> MISTER IHATEFORALIVING, YOU CAN'T CREATE YOUR FUNCTIONS! YOU MUST USE WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE, OTHERWISE WE FILL OUR CODEBASE WITH USELESS FUNCTIONS!

The very much useful functions in our codebase:

> colleague: My file has 79.25% of unit testing coverage
> supervisor: you're almost there! One final effort and you'll get that 0.75%!

Seeing someone this fucking dense is physically frustrating even when I'm not involved

> IHateForALiving: Mister Supervisor, I need to do X, I know how to do it with Vue but I can't do it in AngularJS, how did you do it in the past?

> Supervisor: It's a mess, you need to do A, B, C, D and E, but webpack interferes so you have to come up with something to bypass the whole thing

> Me: ok whatever thx

> Supervisor: I know it's a problem, a more modern framework would do it in a heartbeat :(

Those are bold words for the guy who saw my first PoC, noticed I was using Vue and made me throw everything in the rubbish, explicitly ordering me to use AngularJS.

On Monday? Basically nothing.

> make a change
> PR gets rejected
> IHATEFORALIVING! YOUR CHANGE IS NOT WORKING! EVERYTHING BREAKS!
> 3 hours long debugging session
> We find out a whole bunch of bugs
> Suddenly, everything works
> None of the bugs had ANYTHING to do with my change. In the instances where the app broke, my code wasn't even being called at all.
> My change was literally the one and only working thing

I wish life was like in The Office, when you just stop what you're doing and you drop the Jim stare at some camera

SUPERVISOR: You wrote this 140 lines method, it's too long. You should split it up, it's not readable
IHateForALiving: Bruh be serious, this is a single switch-case; I can't split it.
SUPERVISOR: Fine, I'll do it.

HIS CODE: He split the 140 lines method into 2 methods: the first is 4 lines long; it's a try-catch surrounding a call to the other method, 136 lines long.

Twitch returning errors with 200 status code

WHY
ARE
YOU
WRITING
CODE

Supervisor: YOU NEED TO INCREASE THE COVERAGE OF YOUR UNIT TESTS! THE FILE logger.js DOESN'T HAVE >80% COVERAGE! IMAGINE PICKING THIS UP 6 MONTHS FROM NOW!

Bro. It's a Winston instance.
I am literally exporting a fucking Winston instance with 0 custom logic.
If 6 months from now I take a file and can't understand a Winston instance anymore, you're well within your right to fire me on the spot.

I didn't expect my repository to throw me a Chuck Norris reference in 2022

> totally disable logging on console
> logging is redirected instead on some 1200 separated files (no, not "log files rotated through 1200 days"; every part of the program has its own log file, and there's 1200 of them)
> still, in all those files, none of them contains MY log; somehow it disappeared

Why some people even chose to become developers will always elude me

DevRant hiding my old rants really rustles my jimmies.

It took me many years to distill all of this pure, unadulterated rage... why would you conceal such a treasure from me?

NO, YOU ABSOLUTE DISGUSTING GREMLIN OF A JS HTTP CLIENT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO "JsOn.StRiNgiFy" MY PAYLOAD OR DOING ANY WEIRD SHIT

I NEED TO SEND THIS THING EXACTLY AS IT'S WRITTEN, STOP TRYING TO GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO I'M A DEV WITH SOME 7 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE WRITING CODE, I'M SENDING A STRING CUZ I NEED TO SEND A STRING

> See unintelligible error from stuff that used to work and now it doesn't
> Ask colleagues if they ever met the error
> Fucktard colleague says "try using the debugger, if you run the code line by line you may probably understand what's wrong"

Dear Fucktard, I've been writing code for 7 years now, you can safely assume I know how to use a debugger if need be.
The thing: when I ask "have you ever met this error" I'm asking if you actually know what's going on, BEFORE diving in a 3 hours long debugging session of code written 6 years ago by people who have left the company in the meantime.

You don't always have to say something. Sometimes it happens: you may not have anything clever to add, and a simple "I'm sorry I don't know" is perfectly fine.

> You need to make this small change, it won't cause any problem I swear

The small change:

> turning the whole codebase into a muddy ball of dirt because the leader didn't like 1 (one) call to an async function on startup

Way to go buddy, you sure show them how it's done.

Just remembered about that one time when my former boss wanted to talk about the requests we received from a particular client and asked to have all the mail exchanges during the last 3 months or so.

I forwarded all those mails to him, to which he answered "nononono, I want them on paper for the meeting".

I shit you not, he had me print something like 30 pages of emails, signatures and all, no fucks given, just to toss them in the trash 30 minutes later.

> phone rings during worktime hours
> "Yeah, I was contacting you on behalf of YADDAYADDA, I just found your CV in our database and I wanted to know if you were open to work for us"
Excuse me, how long ago did I submit my application?
> "Mmmmh... it says 2020"

What exactly am I even supposed to answer.

Me: Can I use my own set of credentials to create this entity?
Twitter: Sure you can
Me: Thank you, that's very kind. Can I use these same credentials to see the entity I've just created?
Twitter:

Twitter developers will authenticate half of their endpoints with some authentication method and the other half with a totally different one (which doesn't work) and their sales team will have the guts to contact you to check if you're still interested to access their API.

My only interest is feeding your corpse to the ravens.

My hatred is growing as strong and vibrant as a rising star.

Online team meeting at 9:30 am, I wake up at 9:25 am

Wake up. Meeting was moved at 9:00 am and renamed to "CRITICAL". It's been 45 minutes and I still don't know what broke, but I'm too scared to ask.