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-
What a stupid configuration of firewall at my work:
devrant -> blocked because of entertainment category.
xvideos -> no problem at all.
Conclusion: sysadmin likes watching porn.15 -
How To Be A Developer
(Easy Method)
(Note: You need an Android device to be a developer)
Step 1: Go to Settings.
Step 2: Click on "About phone".
Step 3: Click on "Build number" 7 times.
Congratulations, you are now a developer!4 -
Client :- The app is slow on my device, please fix.
Developer :- Working fine on all the devices I tested, are you sure?
Client :- Yes, it's very slow. I can't accept this app.
Developer :- (Recompiles the same codebase again) Here, try this, optimized a lot of calls, took me entire day to do so.
Client :- Yes, it is working fast now
Developer :- (evil laughs)15 -
The CEO asks God:
"God, how much time do you need to create the earth?"
God: "uh, 10 billion years I think"
CEO: " You have only 7 days. Well 6, the last one is to fix everything gone wrong after deploying"
And here we are8 -
You know you are a senior developer when you go to stackoverflow with only goal to answer questions.5
-
Friend: what do you do for living?
Me: I am a developer, software engineer.
Friend: Lucky you! you have a comfortable work, always in your desk.
Me inside: *he doesn't have a clue about developers struggling* *dying inside*6 -
This is my message to that particular developer of Microsoft who made a change in the Win32 API but was too lazy to update the MSDN doc:
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. You wasted 3 days of mine and I had to find your fucking change by looking into the source code.6 -
Progression in mindset of a developer trough professional life:
1. I'm going to make my code so efficient and beautiful that everyone will envy it!
2. I'm going to make sure I keep separation of concern.
3. I'm going to make my code at least maintainable for other developers.
4. Well shit. At least it works, for now.3 -
I hired a new developer after careful screening and interviewing many candidates.
First thing he's asking first day on the job
- I have already booked august month for holiday, is that a problem?
- I need to come 2 hours before anyone else in the morning and leave 2 hours before, everyday because I have things to do at home.
- I've seen that espn.com sport news are blocked by the firewall, why is that?
- I've installed bitTorrent on my PC but it's very slow downloading movies
I hope he's good.28 -
Me: I don't spend the prime of my life watching series, I code, I develope, I learn
* Discovers Silicon Valley *
😓6 -
Comment your best developer pickup line...
here's mine...
I think you're exceptional, I can try & catch you.25 -
Wait... wait....., I'm the sole developer at a company does that make me the Lead Developer and Senior Developer. TIME TO UPDATE THE CV13
-
Somebody asked me my API doc.
I don't have any API at all.
I will lie, and I'll write a swagger specification in few hours and I'll send them.
They will try to read it and understand, and after maybe a week, when they will ask for testing and endpoint I'll pretend to be on holiday for 2 weeks.
3-4 weeks gone already, I checked they should be on holiday by then. Only then, I'll answer with a fake endpoint with fake data.
I'll get another 2 weeks if I'm lucky.
When they discover about fake data, I'll say there is a bug.
In total if I play well, I have 2/2.5 months to implement some kind of API server with some more or less true implementation.
Thanks to Swagger. Swag11 -
When people call themselves a "professional web developer," but all they do is set up a Wordpress site with a custom skin. Alright then! 🙄6
-
A Developer is desperate: his java application servers are unresponsive, thousand of dead zombie threads are sucking all cpus, memory is leaking everywhere, garbage collector has gone crazy, the cluster sessions are fucked....
The Developer goes to the closest bridge, ties a stone to his neck and gets ready to jump.
Suddenly a bearded old man with a fiery look runs toward him, yelling:
- stop stop!!!! Your application is not scaling and misconfigured, your servers are melting, cpu usage is not sustainable anymore, but don't despair
The Developer, puzzled, looks at him:
-I've never seen you...how do you know...
- Hey, man, I'm the Devil. I know everything. All your problems are solved. I'll give you magic functions. They are called Lambda.
You'll never have to worry about your servers, scalability, security, configuration and shit.
The Developer seems astonished but relieved:
- Ok, sounds great! let's try it - suddenly suspicion creeps in - hmmmm but you are the Devil....so...you want something back, don't you?
(the Devil nods lightly with a diabolic smile)
- ...and...you want my soul, I guess...
- your soul??? come on!!! - the Devil burst in a laugh - we are in 2019. I don't care about your soul. I want your ass.
- What!???!!!?
- yes, I want to fuck your ass
The Developer, evaluates quickly the situation.
Few moments of pain or slight discomfort (?) in exchange for magic lambda. It could be worth. He accepts.
After a while of rough anal fucking, the devil asks
- Hey, how old are you anyway?
- 45, why?
- Oh jeeez...45!!!??? and you still believe in the devil?7 -
She asked to tell her a joke.
"My life...", said I.
"Error 404, joke not found..." replied she.
She is also a developer.5 -
Contrary to most people I really love to receive email related to jobs when I'm in holiday. I keep important alerts on.
It's like:
email: ***urgent, server down***
me (sipping mojito by the pool): fuck them. let's them deal with that
email: ***requirements all wrong, must develop the feature again***
me (enjoying a dinner): oh, I told them 100 times!, fuck all of them, work for me now, stupid moron.
email: I destroyed by mistake the db with an update..."
me (dancing like crazy): ahahaha I told you that support guys should not have access to production db, fuckfuck you, fix it yourself!!!
and so on..... I don't know, it just boost my pleasure during holiday.12 -
Exactly 10 years ago, my first job interview for a position as java developer:
Tech guy, asking me lot of deep questions about last java improvements, upgrades of newest web frameworks etc.
I answer very well.
He seems satisfied. He is about to leave, and just on the door, he turns and he asks this "just-one-more-question" in Lieutenant Columbo style:
"ehy do you know something about COBOL"?
Me: "well, ....yeees" (thinking: it's a programming language, only thing I know, plus I want the job)
He: "...and would you mind...." (some vague gestures)
Me: "...hmm...not at all..."
I got the job. All the project was about a huge legacy COBOL program. Almost no java.
I soon discovered that nobody inside the company wanted actually to deal with that project either....
Sometimes during interview you try to sell yourself, but it's actually the other way around, they are trying to sell something to you...9 -
Hey, thanks for teaching me JavaScript and HTML. I almost feel like a web developer now.
What about the REST?5 -
naked developer day:
Today I'll work from home, sitting completely naked in front of my mac. Only keyboard, mac and me.
It's a huge saving in clothes and energy to clean them33 -
You Either Die As A Developer, Or You Live Long Enough To See Yourself Become The Tester
P.S. No offence to Testers. It just i hate testers8 -
Finally after one year I understood how to carry out my job. I should do exactly NOTHING. I stopped completely organizing the team, solving bugs, helping the team developing and solving problems, explore and try stupid things said by CEO, PM and consultants.
I stopped for 2 months now and nothing happened.
I work remotely, nobody knows if I'm working or not, because nobody cares really about priorities, bugs, customers or products development.
I gain 10K$ (ten thousand) per month.
I attend skype meeting once per week or less. I say yes to everything, nobody gives a shit to what I say, even if they consider me the technical director. Actually in the meetings I only take care of being considered the technical director.
I achieved the mythical 4 hours working week.
I keep skype open in all my devices in order to answer promptly in case of problem, wherever I'm am, that's the most important thing right now.
I attended some meeting from the toilet or from the bedroom.
It was hard. To understand that the board is only after the next funding and not looking to develop a real product. It's hard to pretend helping people while thinking inside you "fuck you".
You have to let go the "guilt": if you can't login, I KNOW that is my fault, that there is a bug, that is possible to solve it, that resources and planning are needed etc. That's guilt. Just let go and say "next release" and never include it in the next release.
In this way I discovered that some users are paying the application even if they can't login.
The company is not going to disappear in the next 5 years. On the contrary, it's going to receive more money.
So the only "bad" thing is, what will I write in my CV in 5 years?20 -
Somebody told me this:
You see this graph?
ColdFusion is the best language ever.
There are almost no questions whatsoever on stackoverflow: that means nobody has no fucking problems using it.
9 -
Is it only me or does anyone else think that they are a bad developer? Everytime im on devrant i think that i dont know shit.. :(8
-
Description of a Bug in JIRA:
Hi guys, there is "another" bug :-))))))!!!! :-((( with the customer list:
- The list of Customers (**which one? we have 4 fucking lists **) is sorted by Name, not by Birthday date (**wait, it's a sortable table, with a sortable name, city ,zip column, it's not sorted by birthday because the birthday column was not even required **)
- If I click on the details I see some data missing (**which data? which customer? there are thousands of them and most work**)
- In addition the arrow on the right is too small, can you make it a little bigger (**excuse me**)?
- I also need to export everything in excel.
Categorised as: Bug
Moron. You are part of a League of Morons...3 -
Worst part of being a developer: when you suggest a subtle amber shade but your client insists on bright yellow.
3 -
How to comply with GDPR on any website and web application:
- download the law and store it in some folder
- if you have money, pay a lawyer and a security consultant to write something about GDPR. Download reports and papers and store it in some folder
- Don't touch your code, nor your database nor your infrastructure. If you don't have anything encrypted, leave it like that.
- Write somewhere a popup that says: "we are fully compliant with GDPR". If you have still money left you can also buy such a popup.
- DONE.2 -
I was MEAN developer and moved to MERN developer.
My thoughts:
Angular very good framework BUT react + redux fucking awesome8 -
top categories of people screwing my job:
- consultant
- fake positive thinking attitude
We just hired a fake positive thinking consultant9 -
What do you wanna become? / What are you?
1. PHP Developer
2. Python Developer
3. Node.Js Developer
4. JavaScript Developer
5. Java Developer
6. Android Developer
7. Other (please mention in comment)71 -
I hired 2 fresh out of school junior devs to work with me on my old web app.
They were brilliant, knew a lot of things, and were motivated.
They started complaining about how the code was shit, the db was shit, there were no best practices, the technology was old, bug fixing was boring, no comments in code.
I felt bad, very bad during 3 years, because they were absolutely right. I tried to work with them through better coding practices, rewriting, documenting etc.
Now they both have left.
I'm alone maintaining and evolving the application.
And I start to come across the code THEY developed.
What a bunch of shit. SQL queries bringing down the server. Duplicate code, because they didn't want even read the old one. Useless comments.
Performance killing functions. Exceptions swallowed without mercy. I have to clean up they poop.
I feel somewhat better, though. The application is still growing and holding the ground after many years and generating at least 800K$ per year in revenues.
Maybe better, but sad. I really wanted to share the project with somebody else but I failed, and I'm left alone....12 -
Going live on Friday afternoon.
- no way, too many critical bugs! - I said
- we will - the Key account manager said.
Friday is here, still many critical bugs, I was right, it's impossible.
The Key account manager just dropped all functionalities with critical bugs and tricked the customer into thinking it's ok.
So we go live.
He was right, we can.
Oh yeah.6 -
I recently joined a new company where work is quite different than my previous company.
Every day at work is challenging for me. There is good exposure to learn technology in depth. But time constraint to deliver module like under 3 days does not let me learn my work, also I am not satisfy with the quality of my code that I provide, it more looks like a patch. In my previous company I was favorite developer of my team but here I feel like a fresher who doesn't know from where to start.
Even I feel like my presence does not make any impact in office as I am just like an extra player of the team. I am slow at my work because I learn then I code due to which my manager does not consider me for any new work. I feel like left out in my team.
Once I overheard one of my colleague he called me helpless and were making fun of me. With every passing day I am losing my confidence.
I have no github reputation. It's like I am jack of all trades but master of none.
Every day is like big fight day in office.
I know our only way to survive in this industry is to keep on learning but in smart way. I am not sure what's that smart way?
Any advice would be helpful.5 -
Backstory:
So, yesterday was first time I worked with other developers in like 4 years. I am in Scotland to integrate my library into our Epicor ERP system. I am working with another developer from our company from a different department.
I have always been worried about how fast I can create solutions, I always thought I was a slower than average developer.
I haven't worked on a team or with other developers in years, so I don't have anyone to gauge my performance against. I really have no baseline to judge where I am at on the spectrum of developer experience and efficiency.
It has always made me slightly worried about switching jobs because I am worried about thinking I am better than I actually am, getting a job with a much higher salary, then failing to perform as expected.
After working with this other developer, he is very methodical and meticulous, but sooooo slow!
In fact I was getting anxious just watching him implement simple routines. I cannot judge his code as it was just implementing my library and some debugging, but if the average developer works at that pace, I am a developer god!
One thing I did notice, is, the code he writes probably has much less bugs in it initially than the code I would write. Generally I go through and fix those bugs and expand on the code after I publish, I would be almost sure, he would have less issues with his code, but it would take 2 extra weeks to get his code out vs mine. I could churn out something much more quickly and get it to the same quality standards within a few hours after I've published and get feedback. (generally I cannot stand testing, so I publish and let everyone else (users) test for me and push fixes out immediately.
So are you slow and methodical? or quick and dirty? which one is more preferred in the industry?12 -
!student
Principles of Programming Languages teacher:
No one in industry uses git.
The same guy who refused to take semester project submissions as github links.
Also "Python is never pass by reference/id()"5 -
- Seaches "How to get Google
- Play Developer account"
- Clicks on first link
- Enters details
- Sees Price -$25
- Searches " How to get Google play developer account for free"2 -
Maybe it's old and well known, but somebody asked, so here it goes:
A shepherd is quietly grazing his sheep on the fresh village pastures.
Suddenly a shiny new car stops by. A cool guy, very well dressed hops out and asks him: "Good man, If I guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I win one?"
The shepherd, puzzled, accepts.
The cool guy, opens his laptop, download a satellite picture of the area, run a NASA algorithm for image recognition and in few seconds answers "you have 1342 sheep"
"Wooow" says the shepherd "you won, take one"
The cool guy is about to live when the shepherd approaches him:
"Ehi, Young man, I bet all my flock against your car that I can guess what is your job"
The cool guy, (he likes to bet after all) accepts.
"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.
"WTF! how did you even..."
"Well, easy" says the shepherd "you came out of nowhere, well dressed and smart looking, you answered a question nobody asked you, you told me something I already knew, you want to be payed for that and in addition, you don't understand shit about my business."
"Now", adds quietly the shepherd "please, give me back my dog"
(for @LOLjustCoding)2 -
Daily scrum
Today, the Scrumpy Master was not here, so I leaded the daily scrum meeting,
rephrasing the 3 standards questions a little bit: the results where amazing.
Here my questions in case somebody want to use them:
- What the fuck did you do on Friday?
- What the fuck do you think you are doing today?
- What is your fucking problem?
We managed to keep the meeting very short and after the meeting everybody was sooooo concentrated I couldn't believe it.
Beeep Beeeeeep 7:00 o'clock. Shit. I was dreaming. Must wake up and go to work.
Scrum master will be there too.11 -
Planning.
- Sales people: we will deploy and install 100 customers by the end of the month.
Meaning: 100 it's impossibile, we want actually do 50, but we set a high target so people will sweat their ass off. But we don't tell them the truth.
- Tech people: no way, we will deploy and install no more than 25!
Meaning: we could do 100 but we would die. We will guarantee 25, but since we are good we will optimise the workflow and maybe we will make it to 50. But we don't want to create expectations.
Big misunderstanding arise if these two language are used in the same meeting.
At least if I'm in the meeting as technical people7 -
Why did you choose to be a developer?
For me: I always liked to know how softwares work, and watch a thing that I created running!14 -
Reinstalling Android Studio.
It takes a while.
So you take a rest, exercise a little. Sure, it will installed when you'll come back ready to throw yourself into deep work, with fresh energy.
You come back.
There is a pop up: Do you want to send usage data to google ? Nothing installed yet.
Only Yes/No option. Where is the "Fuck you" option?12 -
Numbers:
- Facebook Monthly Active Users = 2.4 Billions
- Facebook Fake Users, not included in MAU = 3.4 Billions (FB declared recently disabling that much)
Total: 2.4+3.4=5.8 Billions
Worldwide internet users: 4.3 Billions
Maybe a little function like this could help?
function createFBAccount() {
if (numberOfAccounts++ > peopleOnEarth) {
print "You are not human"
exit
}
...
}11 -
Yes I am a developer and I am good at soccer, come on you naive idiot standing in front of me in complete awe, the days where these things were mutually exclusive are long gone! 🤓⚽️7
-
My little pleasure of today.
I asked a question on Stack Overflow.
It was closed with reason: "off-topic" "tip-of-the-iceberg" question.
I followed the link to the explanation of why it was closed.
There was a discussion in metaSO, about closing or not those kind of questions.
It seems somebody "won" the discussion arguing that was the right thing to do....
I DOWNVOTED HIM.
now I feel much better.3 -
When the department’s large plotter printer broke down, the users demanded they still be able to execute their large reports. The area manager understood reality, if we are waiting on parts, not a lot we can do, but one developer decided to re-write the report/application as a web/.asp application. Mind you, he wasn’t a web developer, mostly VB experience, so the ‘report’ executed the same queries and filled up simple html tables. Did it work? Sort of. The output had none of the specialized formatting like headers, grouping, summary calculations, etc. Since the users could see the data in the web browser and scroll left/right, they were OK with the temporary fix. When I heard this:
Me: “You do know the application could output the report in HTML exactly the way it prints to the printer. All we would have to do enable that feature in the application.”
Dev: “Yea, but I thought it would be cool to do it as a web app.”
Me: “OK, but we should just update the app.”
Dev: “Um...that is going to be difficult, the boss liked my idea so much, he wanted the report replaced with my asp application. I deleted the application from source control and from the network. Sorry.”
Me: “OMFG!…tell me you make a backup!”
Dev: “Ha!...no…boss said you would fight innovation. Web is the future.”
Me: ”What is going to happen when the printer is fixed!? Users are going to flip”
Dev: “Oh, we didn’t think of that. Oh well, that’s your problem now.”
Me: “WTF? My problem?”
Dev: “Yea, you are moving to the team responsible for those legacy applications, since innovation really isn’t your thing. I just got promoted to senior developer.”7 -
Cousins came over...
Me: just compiling some python code, opens up jupyter notebook to take a look at some data science code
Little Sis: *looks at jupnb dump on cmd*
Whoa are you Hacking?
Me: yeah. I got bored of whole Hacking command typing thing so I opened up my hacker console.
*print("hello world")*
Sis:wow!
Me: you know what, typing is too tiresome, I'll connect to it with my mind
*alt-tab*
*cmatrix -b*
*sits in yoga pose*
Little Sis: Screams at the top of her lungs and runs to aunt
"DAVE IS HACKING MATRIX"3 -
Just rememberes a collegue i had for a short period, i was remote and he was on location randomly added, I was told he was a php developer.
What he did was delete ALL the whitespace in the php code and called it optimising, he told the director it’ll make the code run faster. You can imagine how fun that was...2 -
I was about to write a rant on saturday, but I thought: the company and the morons hired by the ceo and investors make me rant, so the company should pay that, during my working time.
At my current rate, this 10 minutes monday rant plus some rant reading and commenting, it's about 10$.
Let's the morons pay that.3 -
Fucking hate when business people says this to me:
- You have no time to do this, we will find somebody else to do it. (EXCUSE ME? how do you know I have no time? If have no time I WILL TELL YOU)
- Your team is too busy, we will outsource that (IF THAT it's a priority, we WILL DO THAT, fuck you, I'll tell you if we need to outsource or not)
- Requirements are too complex to do now. We will think about it and we will tell you, maybe it's just enough to add a column to db (WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS too complex? I didn't even see anything we can call requirement, nor speak with relevant people, so how do you fucking know they are complex if you don't know shit about dev and our platform)
Conclusion
It's true, I have no time, because I don't fucking understand what do you want, so I'm running all day and night doing useless things.2 -
Sometimes I feel like, even thought being a Software Engineer, I know web development better than 70%-80% so called professional "Web Developer"15
-
half day gone try to find or remember the password of some SSL/key/encrypt/crt/shit/whatever.
Blaming myself for hours, how could I not save the password somewhere?
#Enter Password:
(I pressed enter, no password).
it works.
I love IT security1 -
When you your first developer job... Time to find out whether it's imposter syndrome or if I'm just stupid.
-
When you realize that "O&O ShutUp10" (AntiSpy tool for Windows) creator company is a Gold Microsoft Partner
-
What must someone do to be called a developer? Is there some number of projects that someone should complete before they should call themself a developer?14
-
Never had full time mentors, just some great examples from great people:
Some years ago, I was new on the job. They sent me to see a colleague for the "transfer of knowledge" as he was leaving and I had to take over his projects.
He greeted me with a big smile and said:
"Oh, look, I just spilled very accidentally a cup of coffee on my pc so I've lost all information. Only thing I remember is that you have a call with this project today at 14 o'clock. I'll be gone by then but don't worry, just say we are late with delivery and it will be fine. I hope you all the best with your new job!"
I'll always remember him. I learned the value of improvisation, the utility of a cup of coffee and how to take things easy.
I always dream of doing what I learned from him sooner or later.6 -
When a client tries to sue but then realizes their fight was nullified by the signed contract.
Bird = client
Fox = Developer
5 -
yeah !!!! i thought nothing can't break the mood of a developer ... but some fucking natural disasters matters..
#keralaFloods9 -
Working 18 hours per day was tough, at the beginning coffee helped a lot. However I started loosing friends and the little free time I had, I spent it drinking, lonely in anonymous pubs, trying to socialise.
Workload increased and stress started to affect me, so I began smoking weed to relax.
To recover and work with renewed energy coffee was not enough anymore, I started with pills, amphetamines, coke, crack. After the biggest deployments I would disappear for days in an opium den.
Work, it's a gateway drug.7 -
when you are in a manual editing frenzy and you press F1, "HELP" by mistake instead of F2, "edit"
And the fukken Excel stop the universe for precious seconds to give you stupid help.
I want to remove fukken F-uck 1 key6 -
My best skill is problem is:
*** problem solving ***
Really, at least in all the teams I've been working until now, I'm always surprised by myself. How fast I am in spotting the problem root and find or suggest a solution. Even on things I have almost no knowledge.
My worst skill is:
*** problem solving ***
Being so effective make me everybody's slave.
Everybody always rely on me for any kind of weird shit. If I try to "outsource" the problem, after one day it will bounce back on me and I solve it in no time.
So I've no time for anything else that solving other people's problems.
Constant interruptions and context switching.
And worst, my bosses don't understand why I don't finish my tasks. And I cannot blame my team.8 -
- I buy product X online.
- AFTER buying it, I'm flooded with ads about the same product X.
- Why are they wasting money in this way - I think - I won't buy it again soon!
Suddenly a crazy idea strikes me:
The company running the ads, is able in this way to tie the number of ads impressions to me and to my purchase.
In some *superficial* statistics, I will be a guy who has seen thousand of ads AND bought a product. The kind of superficial statistics you show to CEO's
I'm the proof that the marketing company is running ads very well and deserve a good share.
More useless ads they send me the better for the marketing company, as it will justify higher expenses.
I think I also helped implementing this system on some website, unconsciously.
It's just that I have a perverse mind, or did I find how to be rich?3 -
I'm a developer, member of the A-Team. Actually I'm the leader of the A-Team.
We are incredibly skilled. Our problem solving capabilities is amazing, almost 100 times more effective than the rest of people. We produce code 10 times faster and better than anybody else. We have THE knowledge.
We can save the company in case of emergency.
For that reason, it's of paramount importance to nurture and protect the A-Team.
- When there is a bug, A-Team will not correct it. Because, if A-Team is busy, and bad shit happens, the company could be destroyed and we couldn't help
- When there is some important features to develop with a deadline, A-Team will not participate: A-Team must stay alert and ready in case of emergency
- If huge catastrophe happens and long hours, night and weekend are needed to fix it, A-Team will not risk burning the A-Team because it's the only high skilled team we have. The company cannot afford to have an A-Team member exhausted, underpaid, unhappy leaving or sleepy. Therefore, the company will sacrifice other less important people.
A-Team is company biggest asset and must be protected in any kind of situations.
The company should also pay training for them in order to increase their skills and make them unreplaceable.
These are my conditions. I'm the leader of the A-Team. You can't afford to loose me.10 -
I spent a month trying to understand how to split our application and setup a pdf server to manage 10'000> pdf documents generation at the same time.
Today during our monthly meeting, our dear Key Account Manager, said he's not selling pdf generation to customers since one year at least, and he's not planning to sell it in the future.
Nobody knew about that apparently. We had also some demo guys showing actually the functionality to potential customers.
Also nobody believe me when I say we should start a project to monitor used functionalities in our application.
Just wasted one month of my fucking extra-time. Now I'm late with a lot of other tasks, apparently more urgent that the potential scalability issue of a functionality we don't use.
Key Account Manager rules.
Key Asshole Manager.
I think we should hire a Key fucking-COMMUNICATION Manager -
Best rants in movies, my top list.
John Malkovich - Burn After Reading
Bank Account: https://youtube.com/watch/...
League of morons https://youtube.com/watch/...
Michael Douglas - Falling Down - actually all the movie is a big rant, too many scenes, just this:
I want breakfast: https://youtube.com/watch/...
John Goodman - The Big Lebowsky
There are rules https://youtube.com/watch/...
Al Pacino - Devil's advocate
God: https://youtube.com/watch/...6 -
I don't like when depending on something, e.g. smoking or coffee, but
still have to carry on dependencies in node_modules. -
When a gamer is also a developer:
Idiot: What kind of game is that? I only has a crap load of words!
Me: Yeah, it's called Android Studio2 -
So I am interning at this company, and I am Coding in Go.
Now I don't have much exp with go so I'm learning it, and all of my team is cool cause they also had to learn Go. Anyways I am just petty intern-dev so everyone and everything is cool.
Migrating from python to go is quite hard.
Unlearn, You must.
What I have imagined Go, to be is:
While python has this top down approach to inheritance and polymorphism, Go has bottom up approach.
In Python child classes are derived from parent class but In Go child classes create a parent class. (this might be totally wrong, but that's how I've imagined golang)
Go is static wrt dynamic python.
I have coded in C for 1.5 years then I switched to python, so I feel that am familiar with static typing. The path that lies ahead of me shouldn't be too hard.
I would like to take a step further and say that Golang is C, but with modern syntax/semantics. It derives many of its features from newer langs like js, Python, etc while being a compiled language which translated directly to machine code.
That's all 😊
My team members are really great and supportive, I am about 10 years younger than them but we still connect and sync.
Everything is Great, Life is Good ❤️2 -
I would like to see a full stack developer version of it.
Found this on 9gag it's fucking hilarious...
-
It seems almost everyone here is a web or mobile developer of some sort. Am I the only non-student, desktop developer? I occasionally do some backend web stuff, but I just do a lot of desktop stuff (mostly C++)5
-
Our code base is shit.
To improve, we went through different coaching style: Freudian Psychoanalysis, behavioural psychology, gestalt
- Freudian Psychoanalysis: After several years refactoring and discussing our technical debt we can say that we really understand our code in deep. But it's still shit
- Behavioural psychology: after some months of work, we built a lot of testing. Now the code is still shit, but we don't get dirty anymore
- Gestalt: after few weeks sessions, the code is still shit. But we don't care anymore, we accept it and we are happy
(note. it's an adapted psychology joke)1 -
All day long meeting with business consultant about company future, software architecture, technical debt, refactoring, resources, projects.
Conclusion from top consultant, ex country manager of a weeeell known tech company:
Who cares about "code" anyway? (disgusted smile)6 -
I proposed agile training to my company.
I choose a well known coach around here, with good references.
First 3 days were great. After a month he came back for another session and check progress.
This time, he literally fell asleep during the workshop. Several times. He would ask questions, sit down and quietly fall asleep while waiting for our answers.
We were astonished and embarrassed.
He apparently had a very hard working period and could not cope with traveling and working so much. He apologized some day afterwards and didn't charge us for the day.
He never came back. The team didn't take it very well and my reputation was compromised, as well as trust in the methodology I think.
I kept saying that everybody can have a bad day, but it was probably just to defend myself and my fucking stupid idea of changing the world.
A real fucking shame. Still I can't believe when I remember this.2 -
My mom is a basic user that needs to use only basic apps to chat and speak with family, post photos and play one or two games.
She is always ranting about how difficult is to do simple things. And she is mostly right.
Like, where are my fucking photos gone?
Why is facebook/whasapp/whatever different today, where are the fucking buttons gone?
what the fuck happened (when while clicking something a update windows popup and you click something else). Why the buttons are so small (when you want to close a fucking ad windows with a little invisible fucking "x" somewhere and you click the ad instead)?
I don't want no fucking cookies.
Why after windows update my fucking game doesn't work anymore. Why I can't hear anything through the fucking skype?
The fact that she knows I'm one of the moron who builds kind of not-usable and buggy fucking things, doesn't help.4 -
Being a backend developer, the most difficult job is to write <button class="btn btn-primary">Sign up</button> 😞3
-
Why did the airport authorities jail the software developer?
Because he was trying to import python which is illegal. -
I'm not any kind of developer (yet), but I'm learning and this awesome site realy helped me to understand more about this industry from inside and I want to do this even more than before! =D1
-
I am a developer, but I think that it's very difficult to explain to my mother what it is about my job.
-
When your website is tested after months of efforts and then tons of bugs come up....
Gonna fix each of it..
Y am such a poor developer.. !!!! 😖😞2 -
Fuck, really FUCK the fucking MySQLWorkbench on Mac.
Useless piece of shit.
I fucking touched some fucking buttons and now I can't have my view back with query editor, output results, and schema view.
A fucking hour wasted restarting this shit of a tool touching things, nothing. All to execute a fucking stupid query.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK
I NEED to work, not to understand how your stupid GUI works, designed by a cripple mind with poor IQ and developed by retarded24 -
Newbie Agile Team: "Hi Scrum Coach, we studied and implemented the Scrum methodology, but we are late as before and our software is buggy and shitty as ever, how is that?"
Agile Coach: "Scrum Methodology is easy to learn, but difficult to master!"
Newbie Agile Team (chorus): "Oh coach, Fuck yourself daily, with your coffe thermos, standing up and once per week retrospectively. If you'll come at the next review meeting, we will gangbang your ass in front of the stakeholders"8 -
If there was an anime Based on developers.
==Start===
Dev : here comes my favorite browser.
Mouse : No, not until I'm here.
Hand : whattttt? What's happening??
Mind : oh NO!! I why's Internet Explorer is loading?!?
Faster Mind : it's mouse, he's behind all this. Only he's powerful enough to pull off something like this.
Time : Developer-san SAVE me!!
IE : it's too late now, if you do anything it will just slow everything down!!! Hahahah
Dev : No it won't, don't ever underestimate a true developer. It's not over yet!!
*Some keyboard key combination
Time : *screams* developerrr-saaaan!!
Hand : wait, I know it, it's happening. We can still save Time-chan.
IE : WHAT!! No, it can't be!!
Dev : here comes Ctrl+Alt+Del. Be gone....
IE : Nooooooooooooo, this isn't happening, Aaaaaa *dead*
Hand : we did it!!!10 -
CVE-2019-3568
Description: A buffer overflow vulnerability in WhatsApp VOIP stack allowed remote code execution via specially crafted series of SRTCP packets sent to a target phone number.
NSO group even sell a spyware application based on that vulnerability to governments.
Listen!!!!! I'm going to the toilet with my phone!!! Listen!!!3 -
Seriously,
when a company asks to recruit a developer, but only female developer for a regular post.
What IS exactly the work to do? 🤔11 -
hmmm more rants about Linux than about Windows?
Actually analysing better, most of "rants" about Linux are actually expressions of love.
I can't find however any expression of love for Windows.
So the question remains open
6 -
Hi devRanters, hi you all.
I really appreciate all of you that are patiently reading, humorously or not so humorously commenting and wise or not wise giving advice to my semi-serious rants.
It's a great stress relief for me in this moment to know somebody it's out there listening to my stupid problems.
And probably will also improve the life of people around me.2 -
Relationship between ranting and productivity.
When productivity increases, ranting increases as you are dealing with a lot of shit. So ranting is actually beneficial to high productivity.
When productivity decreases below zero because you have a lot of fucking problems, your ranting also increases sharply.
The only peace zone is with moderate, positive or negative, productivity and low ranting, i.e when you are not doing much
16 -
When...
- you start the day with good intentions.
- you want to fix some long-due issue
- you think: I'll google it and I'll solve it. What can it be? I just want to track correctly my subdomains with all-mighty Google Analytics
and the first answer you find is:
"Unfortunately, Google Analytics has a few hoops to jump ...blablabla More unfortunately, the Google Analytics documentation is unclear ...blabla"
and 20 more pages of blog.
Fuck.
Let's skip to the next good intention before the day turns bad1 -
"I used to be a developer back in the days"
yep ... maybe this is true - but the fact is: I'm the developer and you aren't - do your fucking work and don't bother me with stuff you don't understand ...1 -
The mixed feeling when you manage to give orders without giving orders:
- feeling of omnipotence: you worked behind the scenes and you got what you wanted. Nobody knows, but what the hell you are the Puppet Master, God.
- sadness and loneliness: they will never learn. Somebody else claims to have given the orders, nobody knows about you. God is alone after all. And you'll be killed one day.1 -
"The Phoenix project" alternative ending:
Bill Palmer manages to avert disaster with heroic efforts, working 18 hours per day for weeks.
His wife files for divorce. He starts to sleep at office, next to the servers room.
At the last moment a huge hacker attack almost destroys everything, but he finally manages to announce that Phoenix is ready on time, security auditing passed and any kind of great improvements.
Steve, the CEO, calls him and says: "are you crazy? we put you on an impossible project with short notice to make you fail! All our investors have been secretly short selling our stocks, so now they are waiting a big failure to cash in. We also paid korean hackers to bring you on your knees. But you are really stubborn! "
All Phoenix Project is rolled back, huge shit happens, stocks fall, investors ripe great benefits. All IT is outsourced to an external company (owned by members of the board)
Bill is fired. His reputation tainted by the failure, he can't find job anymore. his technical skills and knowledge are out of date.
As he didn't have time to take care of divorce he has lost also all his personal wealth.
He writes a book about his experience, well, actually a rant, but the company sues him forcing him to pay more money.
In the final scene, police arrests him, drunk while trying to burn a server farm with matches. -
People completing Stanford + Andrew Ng's course and bragging how they know machine learning in and out while having no idea how to code simplest application using the simplest libraries.3
-
wait,
if there are 3.4 Billions FaceBook fake users, that means than there are also at least 3.4 Billions fake email accounts around. Jeez.
And the spam traffic estimates are at 260Billions email per day or 260B/3.4B=76 emails sent by each fake email accounts per day. Much less as probably fake email accounts are more.
So, only 76 spam emails sent per account per day. I think there is still room for a big improvement5 -
CEO, your Backend Server is a powerful machine.
It can output millions of pages and serves millions of users.
But it has one defect:
It needs a Developer.
CEO, your Web Application is powerful.
It downloads faster than light and carries more images than your son Instagram account.
But it has one defect:
It needs a Developer.
CEO, a Developer is very useful.
He can fix things on the fly and he can develop killer features.
But he has one defect:
He can think.
(from "General Your Tank Is A Powerful Vehicle" Bertold Brecht) -
How do you guys take care of your eyes? I've been coding on this uni project since 2 weeks and my eyes have literally turned into fried nuggets. And my head hurts like shredded tacos.
My ophthalmologist prescribed me mild painkillers and anti inflammatory and lubricant eye drops.
This knowledge will be useful to all :)22 -
Please excuse my ignorance but what distinguishes a junior developer from an entry-level developer, in practical terms?
Is it basically that a junior developer has some practical experience where an entry-level developer has very little to none?3 -
Well, my first project was to replicate something I saw somewhere: connect a pen to a potentiometer and to the serial port of an Apple II in such a way that you could replicate the movement of the pen on screen and also draw.
Apple II . Mouse, touch screens, tablet, etc didn't exist.
It worked.
However, a part from feeling old, I feel also stupid now, because I didn't understand at all the potentiality of such a tool nor what was going to happen in few years.
I could have invented a mouse. Or the concept of GUI. It was just in front of me.
Instead, I think I just draw some tits an some dick.
So I'm here.
Wondering, what is there now in front of my eyes, that I don't see? -
Hi there everybody! Just joined the community, an aspiring Java developer (just started learning a few months ago so I am nowhere near calling myself a "Developer"). I'm committed to becoming a developer, and I am trying to join every community and every conversation out there possible to immerse myself as much as I can. Any advice, guidance, people/conversations here to look out for, anything that will help me in my Journey would be greatly appreciated!9
-
I think I'm reaching now 40 hours in 3 days coding a function for a nasty grouping report.
Now the report is ready.
Testing with real data I'm 3/4 units off.
Now start at least one full week of monster counting-debugging-fixing on hundred of data.
If somebody get close to me in these days, I'll cut their throat drink their blood and eat their heart still beating, like Aztecs.
I'll have no time to cook or buy anything else to eat anyway, so it will be for survival.1 -
Life of an Oracle Developer ... Day {I've lost bloody count now}
Task: Optimise a 236 line cursor consisting of 7 SQL SELECTS and unions, 39 joins and nested sub queries galore.
"YAYYY" said no one ever ...3 -
just read this, wanted to share it:
Jesus at Last Supper:
(breaks bread and gives it to them) Take, this is my body.
(pours wine) Drink, this is my body.
(opens a jar of mayo)...
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there2 -
Is it a Bug or a Feature?
Why am I seeing all the ++ scores in Binary?
(I Checked, those are up votes in Binary)
Devs are you drunk? Or is it April fools?
EDIT : steps to reproduce
1.open devrant app
2.click on any rant that appears in the feed
2 -
When you have to write super detailed description so the offshore developer doesn't screw up the task...but better yet when the outcome is 👌🏽
-
When yo wake up in the morning and you read:
"Upcoming updates to the AWS Lambda....in rare cases, package updates may introduce compatibility issues."
("rare cases", yeah sure. skip everything)
"...You have the following options: 1. Take no actions, 2.blabla 3.blabla..."
Close the blog.
Communicate to the board that due to lack of resources, randoms bugs could happen in the next weeks and that the quality of a 500K$ project is at random risk.
Rant.3 -
Every developer thrives to be the best. But, it's not only the skills, hard work or knowing infinite languages makes you the best. It only makes you the good.
Along with skills, hard work & the languages, the best one needs to have those instincts about the possible solutions to a problem and ability to decide and implement the most efficient solution cleanly in least amount of time.
I'm thriving to be the best. Are you?3 -
Small warning: The plugin “Web Developer“ was hacked and shows shady ads and does maybe even more in the background. Better disable it for now.2
-
one boolean can change your Life 😂😂
Ever think a life without booleans? Share your views on same.
A true developer better knows it!! 👀11 -
As a developer, when learning a new language how do you know when your good enough to start making projects to test knowledge or skill?6
-
$git commit -m "fix fucking bug again"
$git push
fatal: Right now you can only push 1 commit every 2 rants (every 1 rant for gitRant++ members) because we want to make sure everyone's commit are pushed in a relaxed state of mind! 2 rants to go until you can push another commit.7 -
the daily/weekly/monthly/yearly meeting where everybody absolutely agree on absolutely fucking everything and everybody shows only positive things.
After that, you go back to work and it's the opposite.5 -
"""Itty bitty frustration"""
# wannabe mode on
import sklearn
iris_dataset = sklearn.datasets.load_iris() -
counting things and columns matching.
Two easy and stupid things that make you loose it if you can't get it right4 -
So I moved to a new company.
When entered there at first working day, found one candle on my table. I suppose that former employee left it for me.
Hmm, do you think the same thing as I do ?7 -
As a developer are you customer facing? I hate being customer facing as any disturbances destroy my train of thought!
-
Listening to @addlinny and @cascross123 dealing with our apple developer account, I probably need popcorn for this!3
-
Not a web developer, but last time I discovered that developer tools from Mozilla are much more reach in many small but useful functionalities. For example blackbox mode or eyedropper. Plus all other awesome stuff from Chrome.
-
Trying to setup a fucking google tag manager to get the fucking google analytics working.
Few years ago it was a 10 minutes work. Now I'm already at 4 hours. Fucking sick
WHY I say why I have two fucking equals accounts, FUCKING THE SAME.
And one is working the other one doesn't give a shit about my analytics.
Ehi, Tag manager, I just set up a Tag called "YourMother" related with its trigger called "Fuck" using same extra variable called "anal"
Can you just show it in my anal-ytics, fucking please?12 -
I don't get it.
The job listing is for a developer. I applied as a developer.
Why do they ask me whether I'd be willing to do tech support? What's their motive?6 -
I get frustrated about the shitty work I'm forced to do to meet useless deadlines or follow meaningless ever changing consultant ideas.
I write a rant.
People in devrant suggest me best practices, solutions, tools, even technical steps.
I write this meta-devrant.
Devrant refuse to add more than 1 rant every 2 hours.
Fuck.2 -
A few days back I wrote one blog on 'Be a Happy Developer' topic. Later on, I figure it out that I am the most boring developer among the developers I know.
-
Siri, remind me to write a new rant in 1 hour and 20 minutes.
So I can keep my stress down and increase my productivity, and maybe become a devRant++ member.
Am I addicted?2 -
Little calculation:
you have probably around 20 days holiday per year.
After 60 year old everything is more or less a gift, so I wouldn't count on it.
Let's say you are going to work 30 years. That is 600 days to do whatever you want.
It's less than 2 years.
Shit.
Try to count how many days left of freedom.
Shit.
Suddenly all the things I have to work on today have lost all priority6 -
I don't know if SSL saved the leak of the shitty useless information that our application and customers send over the network. I really don't care and I don't know.
What I know, oh yeah, is that every time there is some trouble with SSL my day is fucked up3 -
“Everything fails all the time!”
Werner Vogels
CTO @Amazon.com
"Werner Vogels, fuck you, everywhere, all the time!"
Deviloper
Ranter @devRant -
why on earth somebody thought that MySQL on MacOS must be restarted automatically every time you kill it like a fucking zombie?
An why the fuck every time I restart the Mac, I must kill the fucking zombie with a kill -9 in the head 2 or 3 times before being able to access it again?3 -
At a salary of $11/hour, no overtime, is a junior web developer with no previous experience and no personal project undervalued?25
-
new Suit() + new Developer() == interview() ;
The irony here is I usually wear casual to interviews6 -
What do you think of personality types and which do you think is the most prevalent in the developer community?3
-
I'm responsible of the smooth operations of the platform, i.e. I'm responsible if something doesn't work. As I'm the technical leader, cofounder and original developer.
However I have no control on installations scheduling, on feedback from customers, on new features planning, on installations tasks performed by the team. No resources whatsoever.
And everybody NEEDS me to perform even small tasks. I would delegate and automate if only I had the time to explain and develop scripts.
But I have zero time. So basically everybody is counting on me working 15 hours per day to get things done.
And one person is also claiming to be "in charge of operations".
He is actually only in charge of me.
I cannot exit from this vicious circle.
I'm like the house doormat.3 -
I started to write an API for our application and asked everybody to use it.
Everybody liked the idea, but nobody liked the API.
So now we have api/v1, api/dev1, api/dev2, api/dev3 to do the same fucking operations.
When I complained about them not respecting the guidelines, dev1,2,3 told me it's my fault because I'm the director.
I thought for a while about how to get rid of these apis and I finally agreed with their view.
I removed developer 1,2 and 3 and finally now there is only api/v13 -
That exciting moment when remotely connected from one job's computer to second job's PC and doing third job's tasks. 😏
-
!rant
https://facebook.com/StudentProblem...
He must be developer.
It is alright bud. It is alright.2 -
double-clicking bugs in web application.
They keep happening and generate double actions.
Instead of fixing the bugs, I created a script that check periodically for double actions and delete them from db.
I also gave db access to first level support and the query to delete double actions.
So I can be free on weekends and avoid the stress of fighting for resources -
I don't know maybe it's me. I'm sure that at booking.com they have hundred of GUI/UX/UI experts, product owners, A/B testing and whatever.
So, please, can you explain to me in a professional and scientific why, why the fuck, when I search for an hotel in a place for a date, by default, they show me UNAVAILABLE properties?
Like, "hey sorry, there was this great hotel, right in the center and very cheap, but you missed it!! hahahaha, you poor moron"
And every time I have to ACTIVATE the fucking filter myself "only show available properties".
Excuse me? Who want to see in first position the hotels that are NOT available?
Are there some users out there who wants that? If I were hired at booking.com as Product Owner or UX/UI expert, I think the first thing I'll propose is to quit the fucking filter whatsoever or at least to enable it by design.
So why is that? you want to show off? slap me in the face, with your hard cock-list of hotels you have anyway, but not for me?4 -
When somebody speaks about "rewriting everything from scratch" I always mention some famous articles claiming: "don't do it!" "big mistake".
Truth is that when somebody says "rewrite everything from scratch" he doesn't mean "everything". He just means "rewrite the 2-3 things that we found useful after 10 years of developing useless features nobody cares about"
So then, yes, rewrite, please1 -
WHEN:
...when the analyst decides whether a feature is too complex to implement or not.
So you don't get the requirements because he thinks it's too complex.
So you develop something that has nothing to do with requirements. Actually much more complex.
And after that, one week before deployment, the customer actually show you and the analyst that what you did is fucking useless.
It was much easier, or at least completely different.5 -
After one year working part time (10%) as new consultant in the company, the consultant calls the technical director in the evening and asks: "hey, how much do you think it will cost to rewrite a SaaS platform somewhat similar to ours from scratch in outsourcing and scaling from the actual 500 customers to 500 thousands? I need to know by tomorrow morning, as we have a pitch with investors. Do you think it's ok to ask for 500K$? Actually, I can only ask for 500K$."4
-
when your application works everywhere, in every situation, for every user, EXCEPT on the fucking device and user of the new Board Member....
...fuck fuck fuck.
(specially because we have a task dedicated specially to test and target CEO and old board members devices) -
Way of wasting time:
generating csv and importing in Open Office Calc, mysteriously what should be ",-," shows as "-0".
I thought some strange fucking time function was responsible of generating a "0" after my "-", until I discovered that for some fucking reason, Open Office Calc decides to add the fucking "0" by itself.
And they say that computer do what they are told to. I just said to import a fucking "-", it's called "Minus". do you fucking understand Calc?
Back to something useful.1 -
favorite
- big living room, well lighted, with view, better if in a foreign country and unknown city.
Why? well, I work fast so I can go out and explore.
most productive for coding and concentration
- airplane
Why? well, nobody can fucking call me nor write me emails + nothing else to do
Worst place
- the office
Why? wtf -
1. Brain feels like in motion without idle time. It's a very pleasurable feeling
2. Create things from scratch by myself
3. solving problems
Not all coding is like this, though. -
can you share some interesting and useful topics for a web developer(PHP), who want to become nodejs based full stack developer?
udemy courses link will be useful.2 -
[dying] I came here with a simple dream...a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I... Not I...
-- Bender Rodriguez --
(Futurama) -
We go to see a customer for a small project, probably 1/2 month dev and few thousand $, basically a small member page for a small local club.
"We want something exactly like this" he says. He opens the browser, logs in Linkedin, I wait.
"Something like this" he repeats.
I finally understand.
Well - I say- Login page and profile picture upload, yes we can do it...2 -
I guess it's a well known classic stress-relief game, but just in case somebody doesn't know it and need it:
https://crazygames.com/game/...
I still play it from time to time2 -
Our Bus Factor is 0.1:
if a Bus, somebody, or something breaks or slightly touch one of my balls, the whole company is screwed.11 -
So I had an interesting conversation with a "developer" from another org:
Me: "So I might have a new client. Their site really needs an update."
Them:"Let me see." *goes to perspective client site*
Them:"Wow, that's bad!"
Me:"Yep it hasn't been touched since 08"
Them:"No, that's not the reason. The reason it looks this bad is because it is made with php."
10 -
good thing about working from home all weekend is that on Monday at work you don't have that shitty feeling "it's fucking Monday".
Plus, you meet some humans after 2 days in the cave3 -
Part-of-a-team...teamwork!
https://youtube.com/watch/...
Always fun to watch if you know it, inspirational if you don't.
And if your boss is De Niro, meditate - and better be part of the team. -
A movie about a developer will be black and white. Either black should exist or white. Both appears to co exists but in reality may be not.2
-
>was talking with Friend about editors
>friend uses atom
>I use sublime
>"man I can't believe such a great editor is free!"
>"yeah man but at least atom is funded by a company"
> https://sublimetext.com/buy/?v=3.0
>
>80$ cha ching
>**well shit**
>
>Respect++
>
>looks at vim
>"nahhhhh it's all community efforts"1
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