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-
My dumb CEO just hired an even dumber CTO. The new CTO asked me the following questions...
1. What is GitHub?
2. What is JSON?
3. What’s an array?
4. What is Get and what is Post?
5. When an iPhone is offline, can it call an API on our server to tell us it’s offline?
6. I know you’ve spent 11 month the writing this backend in PHP but can you change it to Java now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because it’s better.
Me: How?
Dumb CTO: because it is.
7. I know you’ve started to rewrite this codebase I Java but can you convert it to Node.JS now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because Facebook uses it.
8. What is MySQL? Why aren’t you using a database instead?
9. What does NULL mean?
Somehow, I doubt that asshole is remotely qualified for the job.
Fakin shyt for brains.177 -
Jesus, Apple are fucking amazing at design! A keyboard I need to prop up with a book and a mouse I can't use when charging.... Genius!!!!
72 -
This may be limited to Germany:
Apparently you can get free vouchers (from 2 to 5 euros in value) on the website "pizza.de".
There is a lottery kind of game right now on this URL: https://pizza.de/casino/
If you just open the developer console and run "win()", you "win" the game and can enter your phone number to get your voucher 🤔
What idiot programmed this?
What idiot reviewed this?
What idiot put this live?50 -
"It's simple, it shouldn't take you more than five minutes."
How in Mary's STD-ridden "virgin" cunt would you fucking know that? Why did you come to me? Because you don't know how the hell these problems are even solved — yet you know exactly how long it'll take me?
Do I tell you how long it'll take you to suck off fat fucks at your favourite glory hole? Subtle hint: No, because I don't know and I'm not your fucking pimp, you moldy piece of shit!
Keep your useless estimates to yourself. If you were half the man your mother is, you'd ask me whether I can do it in 5 minutes, instead of just adopting the client's opinion and wishes with a straight face, because you're afraid to say no.
It won't take 5 minutes. It will take as long as it takes plus an hour, because I don't like your fucking face anymore, and you'll pay every single cent of it. If you don't like that, consult me first next time, BEFORE telling the clients stupid fairy tales, or piss off with your idiotic estimates that you pulled out of your ass altogether.
FUCK YOU!35 -
Its Friday, you all know what that means! ... Its results day for practiseSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!!!
*audience: wwwwwwooooooooo!!!!*
We've had a bewildering array of candidates, lets remind ourselves:
- a psychopath that genuinely scared me a little
- a CEO I would take pleasure seeing in pain
- a pothead who mistook me for his drug dealer
- an unbelievable idiot
- an arrogant idiot obsessed with strings
Tough competition, but there can be only one ... *drum roll* ... the winner is ... none of them!
*audience: GASP!*
*audience member: what?*
*audience member: no way!*
*audience member: your fucking kidding me!*
Sir calm down! this is a day time show, no need for that ... let me explain, there is a winner ... but we've kept him till last and for a good reason
*audience: ooooohhhhh*
You see our final contestant and ultimate winner of this series is our good old friend "C", taking the letters of each of our previous contestants, that spells TRAGIC which is the only word to explain C.
*audience: laughs*
Oh I assure you its no laughing matter. C was with us for 6 whole months ... 6 excruciatingly painful months.
Backstory:
We needed someone with frontend, backend and experience with IoT devices, or raspberry PI's. We didn't think we'd get it all, but in walked an interviewee with web development experience, a tiny bit of Angular and his masters project was building a robot device that would change LED's depending on your facial expressions. PERFECT!!!
... oh to have a time machine
Working with C:
- He never actually did the tutorials I first set him on for Node.js and Angular 2+ because they were "too boring". I didn't find this out until some time later.
- The first project I had him work on was a small dashboard and backend, but he decided to use Angular 1 and a different database than what we were using because "for me, these are easier".
- He called that project done without testing / deploying it in the cloud, despite that being part of the ticket, because he didn't know how. Rather than tell or ask anyone ... he just didn't do it and moved on.
- As part of his first tech review I had to explain to him why he should be using if / else, rather than just if's.
- Despite his past experience building server applications and dashboards (4 years!), he never heard of a websocket, and it took a considerable amount of time to explain.
- When he used a node module to open a server socket, he sat staring at me like a deer caught in headlights completely unaware of how to use / test it was working. I again had to explain it and ultimately test it for him with a command line client.
- He didn't understand the need to leave logging inside an application to report errors. Because he used to ... I shit you not ... drive to his customers, plug into their server and debug their application using a debugger.
... props for using a debugger, but fuck me.
- Once, after an entire 2 days of tapping me on the shoulder every 15 mins for questions / issues, I had to stop and ask:
Me: "Have you googled it?"
C: "... eh, no"
Me: "can I ask why?"
C: "well, for me, I only google for something I don't know"
Me: "... well do you know what this error message means?"
C: "ah good point, i'll try this time"
... maybe he was A's stoner buddy?
- He burned through our free cloud usage allowance for a month, after 1 day, meaning he couldn't test anything else under his account. He left an application running, broadcasting a lot of data. Turns out the on / off button on the dashboard only worked for "on". He had been killing his terminal locally and didn't know how to "ctrl + c a cloud app" ... so left it running. His intention was to restart the app every time you are done using it ... but forgot.
- His issue with the previous one ... not any of his countless mistakes, not the lack of even trying to make the button work, no, no, not for C. C's issue is the cloud is "shit" for giving us such little allowances. (for the record in a month I had never used more than 5%).
- I had to explain environment variables and why they are necessary for passwords and tokens etc. He didn't know it wasn't ok to commit these into GitHub.
- At his project meetups with partners I had to repeatedly ask him to stop googling gifs and pay attention to the talks.
- He complained that we don't have 3 hour lunch breaks like his last place.
- He once copied and pasted the same function 450 times into a file as a load test ... are loops too mainstream nowadays?
You see C is our winner, because after 6 painful months (companies internal process / requirements) he actually achieved nothing. I really mean that, nothing. Every thing was so broken, so insecure / wide open, built without any kind of common sense or standards I had to delete it all and start again ... it took me 2 weeks.
I hope you've all enjoyed this series and will join me in praying for the return of my sanity ... I do miss it a lot.
Yours truly,
practiseSafeHex23 -
My GF, an iOS QA, went for an interview with a large enterprise and was rejected.
Interviewer: Your current application is hybrid or native?
GF: Native, because it is written in swift using native iOS SDK.
Interviewer: Does it use internet?
GF: Yes.
Interviewer: It is a hybrid application if it uses internet. You know nothing about your projects. You are rejected.
GF: 😯23 -
"Hey can you make these changes?"
*does absolutely nothing*
"That's way better!"
Mhmm sure. Totally changed stuff. Yup.1 -
At ATM
Options
- cash only
- cash and balance
- cash and receipt
- cash and balance and receipt
Choice
- cash only
Questions
- would you like to see your balance
Then
- would you like a receipt
IF I WANTED A FUCKING RECEIPT OR TO FUCKING CHECK MY BALANCE THEN I WOULD HAVE MADE THAT CHOICE WHEN YOU FIRST ASKED ME. YOU FUCKING CUNT.
I EXPLICITLY CHOSE “CASH ONLY” SO JUST FUCKING ASK ME HOW MUCH I WANT TO WITHDRAW AND THEN LET ME GET THE FUCK ON WITH MY BASTARDING DAY!!22 -
Angry customer (😤): Your software is still too slow!!!
Me (🙄): It's running good all in all. Let's divide this into smaller aspects. Which steps do you need to perform faster?
😤: Every step needs to be as fast as google!
🙄: But our software ain't google, not even to mention your infrastructure
😤: Everything needs to run in 2 seconds!!!
🙄: You aren't helping in any way. We need something to grasp...
😤: It's all your fault.
📴10 -
Receives email from warranty guy in work.
Warranty: "Hi, see attached scan in PDF form.
I normally fill the boxes in manually, scan as pdf to myself and then email it on to the higher ups, but they now say they need it in excel form from now on! Can you convert it for me?"
Me: "It looks like your scan's quality isn't good enough for a convert to excel.
Where do you get the original form?
Is it from a website?"
Warranty: "Hang on and ill send you an email with the file and give you a call"
*receives email and a phone call"
Warranty:
"There you go. Theres an excel sheet in that email. what do i do?"
Me: "So.... just so I understand the question... you just fill in this excel sheet, scan as pdf and send it on... but they want it sent as an excel form and not a pdf?"
"Yes."
"So.... Could you not just fill in the excel sheet and email it to them?"
"What do you mean?"
"....fill in the excel sheet as normal, and go to file, share and email... send the original one on."
"And what would that do?"
"...you... you'd be sending the form as an excel sheet, as requested??"
Warranty: *silence for 10 seconds* Oh, i see now. I get you! You're a genius! Well done for figuring it out. Thanks a million!!"
O.O9 -
Once again, on a fucking saturday:
"I need a new password, mine won't work anymore"
Yeah, of course it simply stopped working. It deleted itself from the database. It flew away and started a family with another shitty password. That seems far more logical and reasonable than that YOU JUST FUCKING FOGOT YOUR SHITTY ASS PASSWORD AND ARE SIMPLY TOO FUCKING LAZY OR STUPID TO USE THE GODAMMN PASSWORD RESET FUNCTION!
You know what? I can't be arsed on saturdays. I'm going to send this fucking twat a link to the password reset form. On monday afternoon.
Seriously, how can people like that even breathe with their heads that far up their asses?7 -
Boss : How do you access code at home ?
Me : Well, Git is fairly accessible from anywhere with the right credentials at hand
Boss : What of you have virus in your system ? Can't the virus infect our NodeJS code ?
Since then, I haven't been able to get out of the mental comatose induced.5 -
2 years ago: Connection goes down at the office
Boss: -"Damnit, you are responsible to ensure uptime. Fix a redundant connection asap."
Me: Fixes redundant connection
Today: Connection goes down at the office, failover connection does not work.
Me: Calls ISP and asks what's happened.
ISP: -"Your boss cancelled the account 3 months ago"
...17 -
"Let's agree to disagree."
How about if we agree that you're fucking wrong, have no clue whatsoever about this topic, and should keep your fucking mouth shut?
FUCK YOU!18 -
Someones keyboard just stopped working in my job.
They called the helpdesk and i told them to unplug the keyboard from the back of the PC and try a different usb port before i send them down a new keyboard.
Their reply?
‘How am i meant to do that? I mean... *laughs* I didn’t go to college for this kind of stuff. I know you did but you need to explain it in English for me instead of using technical terms.’
....
So i had to describe what a USB looks like, and tell her how to follow the (only) skinny black cable she has on her desk, down the back of the desk and into the PC. She got overwhelmed by this cable being the same colour as the thicker VGA cable, so ended up unplugging everything!
Its fine though, as when she plugged them all back in, everything was back working.
She finished the call by saying:
“Like, i know how to use a computer but I just don’t understand all this technical mumbo jumbo, like USB’s and stuff? How should i know about that?”
...
I sincerely think interviews need to have just 5 minutes dedicated to the person showing that they know what a bloody USB is!!, can turn on/off a PC, open outlook, and follow basic instructions.
Ugh I work with idiots 😢20 -
Boss: I need to know how much resources a server would need to serve 20000 users at the same time
Me: Sure, can I see the webapp?
B: There's not one yet
M: Ok, can I see its documentation then?
B: There is none
M: But ot depends on the programming language, libraries used, what kin-
B: It's an e-commerce. Try browsing Amazon and see how much they nees to handle the page requests.
Me: *still processing* wh-
Boss: I have to give an estimate to a client within 30 minutes. Hurry.
So.... Uh... I guess i have to hack Amazon now?11 -
Swear to god in going to pole drive the next person who asks if my watch is an Apple watch into the fucking ground...
36 -
Me: (putting headphones on)
Boss: You are an engineer. You need to focus. You cannot multitask. Nobody can. You need to concentrate on the work and deliver. If you ...blah.blah.blah.
Me: 😃 hmm yes you are right (dying on the inside)
Boss: if you are listening songs, your attention is towards that, you learn nothing of what you are working on.
Me: 😃 True Indeed.
Inner me 👿: Motherfucker. I use headphones so I don't have to listen to you giggling about with your mates in a bragging battle, in a language I do not understand, which is noise to me.
And technically, I do not listen to songs, I listen to music, while doing repeated tasks, so that I can overcome the boredom and do it quick in a rhythm.
But you wouldn't understand now, would you, YOU OLD FART, you fuckin Remnant of the Ancient times.10 -
What the actual fuck? Person (or people!) who devised this password policy, you are an idiot (or idiots - all of you). You are stupid and insane and have no idea about security or user experience.
16 -
Right. So my company is advertising an opening in Java JUNIOR Development.... And they all of these skills:
I mean, really?
14 -
The hardest part about being a developer is constantly having to come up with nice ways to tell people they are idiots.
No I can't just "add some AI because it's cool right now". 😒5 -
Why the fuck are pretentious bullshit and stupid hyperbolic metaphors so popular in tutorials and online courses nowadays?
Whenever I read titles like "Async/await demystified" I want to send the author a fucking mail bomb. There is no myth whatsoever involved in tech details you don't understand, yet. Just learn or teach the fucking thing, no need to bloat your shitty tutorials with a myriad of stupid bullshit. And a myth is a myth precisely BECAUSE there is no way of knowing whether it's true or not in the first place. Fucking morons.
And why the fuck can't I just open the command line? Why do I have to 'fire it up'? How the fuck can I take a freaking hello world program 'for a spin'? It's the most boring kind of program you could write, there is nothing to spin or fire up, either it fucking works or it fucking doesn't.
FUCK! This kind of shit annoys me so much, I can't follow tutorials anymore, because I just get fucking riled up every time!23 -
Do you ever wonder why the UK public sector has such a bad computer system? This! This is why!!! What a frigging waste of money!!!! Every computer in the school has this stupid set up!!!
20 -
We've password protected a file and forgot the password we need it cracking asap.
Sorry we can't crack passwords on files.
If we don't get access to the file it'll cost the company up to 250k.
Well you should've thought about that before encrypting the fucking file with 256 bit encryption.10 -
"there's a problem with your API"
Me: "why?"
"I get no data"
Me: "what response code are you getting?"
"405 - Method not allowed. But only on the /version endpoint"
Me: "Soo... What request are you sending?"
"POST"
WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SEND A POST REQUEST TO AN ENDPOINT THAT **GETS** THE VERSION OF MY API???!!!!
Me: "Read the documentation. It's there for a reason"14 -
My first rant here, don't know how to start, but fuck these self proclaimed senior developers who can't even get their concepts right about basic things and don't believe in reading docs.
Fuck you for asking if sequelize has a method to return details of the logged in user of your app, it's a fucking ORM you dumbfuck. You are a "full stack" developer for fuck's sake.
Fuck you for making those "minor changes" which breaks build and then blame it on any random plugin or lib used, or my commits.
Fuck you for expecting me to review your code on Sundays because you couldn't finish it on time.
I don't like java, at all, but even I get that without it we wouldn't be where we are right now and can't reach where we aspire to reach. But you can't keep chanting "Java is dead, Java is dead" every chance you get. No, it's NOT dead. Nor is going to, anytime soon.
And for god's sake, please stop choosing one library/plugin over another just on the basis of stars on repo, it's not the only (or valid) criteria. Look if you actually even need it. Think.
And please learn how to google first, and also stop using "the" before every the noun, the adjective and the verb. It's the fucking the annoying to read.
And yes, there are different linting presets out there, and just because a piece of code in a plugin/library/boilerplate is not following your specific, and may I say horrible standard, doesn't mean it's a "bad code". It's written by people who have created/worked-on these libraries as side projects on which your entire career is based upon.
And I haven't even talked about the code you write or your domain knowledge or the way you treat other people. So get off your high horse and behave like a developer, a real one.11 -
So, I just saw a database that had a table BACKUP that had a complete copy of the database being used
On the SAME FUCKIN DATABASE
I asked about it and I was told that "We paid a professional to make us a backup system for the database, do you think you know better than him?"
And yes, it was the ONLY form of backup they had26 -
I hate my IT teacher... I signed up for a "general IT course and web designing". Thought I will actually learn something new.
Then, the teacher tried to convince me that "RGB was a german guy that invented the RGB color system - hence its name".
Also, he was telling us that "CSS3 is a bad clone of real CSS" and all sorts of similar BS.
I am seriously asking myself who gave this idiot a job? I am speechless, I think I'll just drop out.20 -
How do I un-idiot my users when it comes to clicking on dodgy email-links??
Got a forwarded email just there from a user who said;
Good afternoon,
Is the below ok to open?
I just tried but got a popup saying I've been blocked from opening it.
I'm not sure who it is coming from and I am not waiting on anything but as it says its from dropbox and is important, i know it's okay.
Can you unblock the link ASAP please?
This is really impeding my work-day as I need to know what it is and act accordingly.
Regards... user.
The Original email came from a random jumble of letters with a subject line of 'important dropbox program' - not only does it look dodgy but its english is horrible! It said;
"Hi tu my freind,
You tu still read a pending verrry important document sent by one of your own contact to be vieweddd.
Install "Highly Confidential english.pdf" by clickinggg here
*insert link leading to something called 'viral-update-trojan.exe'*"
I mean, seriously... help!!! 😢
We have sent emails explaining how to hover over links and to not to click them if it looks wrong.
No one does it.
We hired a company to send fake phishing emails to train users in what to do.
It made no difference!
We now make people 'verify' their email addresses when opening any sort of link to try get them to actually look at what they're opening.
We also strip emails of original attachments and create 'safe' html copies as we can't trust them to look at what they're opening.
Everyone complains about it but Jesus Christ, this is why!!!
Its so exhausting!! What is wrong with people!!! Argh!!! 😤16 -
M: Me
FAC : Fucking annoying colleague
1.
FAC: Hey how did you set up your microservices?
M: I used docke...
FAC: But docker is hard to setup, i want an easier option
2.
FAC: Which services do you have?
M: I have one service for the api, one with redi..
FAC: Redis is not a service
3.
FAC: Do you use AWS API gateway?
M: No, in set up my ow..
FAC: why would you set up your own? I just use the one from AWS.
4.
FAC: How many instances are you have running
M: I have 5 replic...
FAC: 5 replicas? That's why i hate microservices,they are costly
5.
FAC: How did you divide up your app?
M: Since I am starting, its better to run the monolithic and then break it up lat...
FAC: I knew it,you don't actually use microservices
6.
M:(thinking)* Fucker, if you know it well why are you fucking disturbing me?? *3 -
I fucking HATE when there is no progress on a project for weeks, because some idiot doesn't do their work, but all of a sudden it's totally important to continue rather yesterday than today.
What makes you compressed ass nuggets think I have nothing else to do than waiting for you to whistle me up like a trained monkey –on a fucking weekend to top it all – just in order to do work that should have been done weeks ago, but was blocked due to YOUR UTTER NCOMPETENCE without any explanation or apologies?
Nope, not gonna happen any time soon – fuck you very much. I've got new projects now, and they're more interesting and less chaotic than yours. Also the people I work with aren't like what would be left of the three stooges after severe brain trauma. They're actually good at what they're doing, so guess what?
GO FUCK YOURSELVES AND WAIT FOR ME LIKE I HAD TO WAIT FOR YOU!
When I'm done with this project, I'll get back to you knuckle scraping primates. Until then, choke on a stinking, veiny dick or twelve.13 -
Voice messages are the dumbest fucking shit trend that came up in years. Exchanging them is even more idiotic. JUST FUCKING CALL EACH OTHER, YOU GODDAMN DIMWITS!
But do it at home, because I fucking hate running into all you morons in the streets who constantly keep their phone in front of their faces instead of in front of their ear, blabbing away about inane shit.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! GO HOME! HAVE A CALL THERE OR I STUFF YOUR PHONE SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE THAT YOU WON'T HAVE TO HOLD IT IN FRONT OF YOUR DUMB, UGLY FUCKING FACE NEXT TIME YOUR 'GURL FRIEND' CALLS TO TELL YOU SHE CAUGHT THE CRABS FROM YOUR 'BFF' ONCE AGAIN!22 -
FUCK YOU, Woocoomerce, for your needlessly and ridiculously high selector specificity.
Go suck an extra grimy, veiny, stinking shit-stained cock through your mother's favourite glory hole.
18 -
!dev
I absolutely fucking hate when people promise something they have no control over or don't know anything about whatsoever.
1. a) "My dog has gotten old, he probably won't make it through this year, that's so sad …"
1. b) "No, he won't die so soon, I promise!"
2. a) "In a few years, global warming will take it's tool."
2. b) "No, that will never happen, global warming is a myth, I promise."
Apart from that it doesn't even make any sense, you simply know everybody who says something like that is an idiot and probably a fucking compulsive liar to begin with.
Just promise me to fucking kill yourself, and keep your stupid promise for once, would you? Fucking moron.35 -
Boss: we are going to build a blockchain. ( he is smiling proudly)
Me: we are doing data visualization boss!!! Why we need the blockchain?!?!?
Boss: I am disappointed in you!!! You don’t read any Tech news or follow the market trends? BlockChain is tending nowadays... ( showing angry emoji using his face)
Me: it is not related to our work by anything!!! What we will visualize? A success of the transition? The amount of it? A visualization of the nodes?
Boss: (shouting) there are a lot of opportunities using the BlockChain in our days, and it is critical to our business...
Me: boss, there many opportunities using the ******* BlockChain, and I am leaving this company by the end of the month... find a ******* BlockChain developer to visualize the ******* process...
Boss: ........ (silence)
Me: .... (already resigned)7 -
How to pronounce like an idiot 101:
WhatsApp -> Wots opp!
Uber -> Oooooo bear
Facebook -> aef bee
Presentation -> pee pee tea
GUI -> Goo eee
Watch this space for more. Feel free to add to the list.90 -
FUCK the German Telekom and FUCK their goddamn lying so-called service personnel up their crusty, uptight arses with a glowing pitchfork!
If you really have to do it, why the flying, sodding FUCK can't you interrupt the line when people are statistically least dependent on a working internet connection, rather than at work hours?
I HAVE LOTS OF WORK TO DO, YOU GODDAMN, RUTTING, INBRED, SMEGMA-GARGLING SWINE!45 -
Sometimes it just feels really good to see recruiters getting burned. A stupid one recently posted:
"When you find the candidate that has 15 years of experience in AWS, has a PhD in Artificial Intelligence, speaks 6 languages and is under budget... "
The comments immediately mentioned that AWS was formed 12 years ago.
Haha, what a stupid fuck!5 -
idiot /ˈɪdɪət/
noun
A person that uses the “Reply All” button to tell everyone not to use the “Reply All” button when a corporate email is accidentally sent to all email users.8 -
Motherfucking horse shit! In the name of each and every of Jesus Christ's crab louses—why the fuck do so many clients think it's a great idea to rush me to meet with them just to discuss half-arsed project ideas already bound to inconvenient and fucking stupid prerequisites?
Yeah, let's build a social media-like system with WordPress, what could go wrong? Let's build a fucking blog with static pages, that you wouldn't understand how to use properly, if I carved an idiot-proof tutorial into your chest with a peeling knife back-to-front. Why don't we build a whole fucking custom shop system for three fucking items on a budget a the proverbial church mouse would starve on.
I'm so sick of wasting my valuable time on fucking idiotic requests like these, presented as the chance of my life. I'm sick of having to tell people their idea is as stupid as shaving their balls with an airscrew blade.
I do know not everybody knows how the web works, how computers work or what programmers and developers actually do—but for fuck's sake, scrape the last bits of your shattered common sense together and think at least for a fucking second before you carry every new brain fart over to me.
I have shit to do, a lot of important, useful and interesting things, so please don't force me to move murdering you with my bare fists to the top of my list.10 -
I swear watching the dumb kids in my CS class programming and asking me why it's not working and blaming the computer is like, you know that toy every kindergarten had where you put the shapes in its hole in a box,yeah it's like watching them trying to RAM A FUCKING SQUARE INTO THE DAMN CIRCLE! 😤
2 -
Wanna hear THE Worst Thing ever seen:
NOT EVEN A SINGLE SEMICOLON( ; ) IN
>200 lines of JAVA CODE.
*Blind Eyes*12 -
- "Finance are too busy to look at this"
- "Finance have too much to do"
- "We can't this sorted at the minute because finance are overloaded"
Finance just sent me a request for "detailed description" for each business trip i've made. Attached is a spreadsheet report with 122 columns detailing every facet of my travel expenses that they have recorded so far. Not even just one row per trip, but one row per item, like:
- Trip 1 - Airport parking: .....
- Trip 1 - Airfare Outbound: ....
- Trip 1 - Airfare Inbound: ....
This is way you are too busy, because this is fucking ridiculous. Fix your shitty process and stop bitching.
FYI, your "detailed descriptions" can be found in the contracts we've signed, which outline all the travel needs, which you've already reviewed and signed off on. Get your shit together and stop bugging me3 -
I just cleaned up my LinkedIn by clearing all the dumb recruiter spam and all the useless messages (I never gave a fuck about in the first place, imagine that, LinkedIn). I do that every few weeks, and I'm thinking about starting a thing where we just post a screenshot of the dumbest recruiter text and make fun of the idiot who wrote that.
Fuck those brainless parasites, but let's have fun with them, so they're finally useful for something.19 -
My coworker requested I add a bunch of tracking to our product.
I've previously tried explaining to him (and honestly the rest of the company) about privacy issues stemming from tracking, such as by their beloved Venmo. Venmo tracks absolutely fking everything you give it access to, from location data to your entire facebook, twitter, foursquare, etc. feeds, and sells ALL of it to third parties. It's scary. but! this guy simply does not understand, and/or does not care, and marches right on into all the surveillance, loudly singing the song of convenience to all who'll listen. (Nobody else in the company cared, either. :/)
ugh.
Anyway, I'm conflicted.
I have to install some tracking, but I can probably come up with an excuse to cut most of it out and gimp their surveillance. It'll still be useful to us, but it'll limit the amount of data the tracking company can sell to third parties.
but they'll push this guy pretty hard on it, and he's as technically-inclined as a smudged glass of warm, stale beer. "Better for your conversion!" they'll say. "How much tracking do you want?" he'll reply. "@ashkin, why can't you do this right now? What else do you need to make this happen?" he'll firmly inquire. and so I'll be forced to make it happen...
ergh14 -
What a nice fucking tutorial.
Clicked an articles which says How to Implement X feature in Vanilla JavaScript.
They used a vanilla javascript library.
What a fucking idiot.9 -
Co-worker: I need a proxy to do this task.
Me: Why do you need a proxy?
Co-worker: So all these reviews for the company I'm posting don't look sketchy.
Me: Download the TOR browser.
Co-worker: That's kinda sketchy I don't wanna do that.
So falsifying information about the company is okay, but using a browser to do it anonymously is right out.1 -
For horse's cunts' sake, I wish people wouldn't just think of some dumb, edgy, ridiculous title, and then cram a bunch of idiotic fallacies into an overly long idiotic article accompanying that piece of crap, just in order to justify the click bait, then submit that dumb dribble to newsletters. Even the better ones are littered with this shit, lately, and that's just such a fucking waste of time, if there ever was one.
If they have to write articles, why the fuck don't these morons at least try to write something that matters by furthering productive discussion, instead of dividing developers with half-baked and completely idiotic assumptions they aren't even able to support nor argue for properly?
Fucking idiots.21 -
I have a client (a friend of a friend of a friend) who came to me to build them a "simple" booking solution for their home cleaning business. Easy enough, I first thought.
Having taken a deposit based on my initial quote and contracts all signed, roll on exactly 8 months to where I find myself today.
It turns out, there is no cleaning business as the business will be totally reliant on the website. The original goalposts have now been moved to a completely different fucking country. The (now) required functionality has STILL yet to be finalised (I told client I'm not writing another line of code until EVERYTHING has been mapped out and made crystal clear), as every single face-to-face meeting / back and forth email turns into the client requesting hundreds more brilliant, essential features that make absolutely ZERO fucking sense. And now, to top it all off and push me into writing my first ever rant on here, I've just received an email from the client this morning saying "what I would like to have is like an online restaurant live booking system". WTF?!?!?
I work from home and have only my dog for company today, so please don't judge me. Just needed to let it all out.12 -
FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING FUCK! BASTARD CUNTS!
If you HAVE to set up a hosting service, despite sporting the IQ of a drugged-up, inbred fruit fly, at least get your MOTHERWHORING CUNT ASS DNS-settings right, you goddamn, arse-sucking, weasel-blowing, cum-gargling fucknuts!
I hope your mother dies in a violent, public threesome, you cocksuckers!15 -
What's better, [some language] or [some completely incomparable language]?
I can't even provide any context, because I haven't put a single second of thought into this topic myself. Thinking is for suckers, you know, that's why I'm pestering anybody else with my dumb questions, but anyway, I need to know right away, will accept any answer that randomly recommends one of these languages.
I don't even know those languages, yet. They just popped up in a buzzfeed article the other day, I just remebered them.
Guys, I need your help, I'm so confused, because I have never heard the words personal taste, context and reflexion.
-----
That's how you sound, you fucking 'what's better …' questions asking morons.
FUCK!15 -
( rant || !rant ) && idiots
console.info( this.isLongRant );
console.warn( "contains strong language and wordpress" );
A friend of mine sent two of his "friends" to me because they wanted me to build a website for their new business (~idea).
So I had a meeting with them.
First of all they wanted me to have a look on the current (work in progress) site.
First impression of the frontend:
OH BOY!?
Well, imagine this:
- a 90s/2k background (dotted/pixelated cloud in baby-blueish as backgroud with repeat)
- the logo was made by the sister of one of the guys, it wasn't too bad, but badly aligned, asymmetrical
- some obvious $offTheShelfShopPlugin with $randomStockContent
- the fucking slider had a small loading bar to indicate changes, it appears like an hyperanxious child on ADHS
- below the logo TWO FUCKING GIF SPINNERS to indicate nothing else but how fucking brain amputated these two dudes are, including the dev who is responsible for adding this. (to this point, they only told me, that a webagency did the setup and some basic work on the site, more on that later)
- no styling concept at all, random fonts and stuff everywhere including default styles of the shop plugin.
- FUUUUUCK WTF wil come furtherin this meeting?
After seeing a pile of binary puke fisted out of a 60yo nonstop-intern who changed his jobtitle from dildo-traveling-salesman to fullstack-frontend-dev by wrinting it on a post-it-note, I imagined, there has to be something wrong with the backend as well.
Boy was I right!
Yes, you guessed it! A random Wordpress adminpanel login appeared! OH NO....
I really wanted to levae this meeting immediately.
I was not able to hold my disgust back and I told them right in their face, what a shit pile of nutty squirrel turds this current page is. And that Wordpress is not the right choice at all for a shop.
Then came the best part: They basically told me, that they terminated the previous contract with the webagency because they were too expensive (they are cheap, compared to others, I know people who know their prices) and that they wanted to create A BIG MARKETPKACE with multiple ressellers who can have their shop in their website. Something similar to FUCKING AMAZON. ON FUCKING WORDPRESS!?!?!?
They even asked me if I wanted to be their partner & developer and that they can't pay much at the moment until the marketplace starts to grow.
I more or less told them to go fuck themselves with a rusty pitchfork.2 -
"I can't work, my new computer is so slow. Please make it faster!"
I can't and won't make your computer faster, because you bought it yourself eventhough you said I should send you an estimate for a new one.
And the fucking software you complain about being slow is none of ours and neither did we install it you crackhead.
By the hammer of Thor, don't ever fucking call me again you shitpiece!
Next time you ask me for an estimate, I will give you my stump two-sided axe through your head while laughing hysterically.2 -
My fellow students as high school freshmen: You can code right?
Me: Yup
Them: So can you like hack the school and better my grades(they are all honor students btw)
Me: *Sure, want me to hack paypal and get you some cash too?*
Them: Jeez just asked for a tiny favor.12 -
This is going to be a long rant, coz this is the only way to vent out my frustration against our tech head.
Yesterday, while our fucking twat tech head was playing around in company aws account, he terminated the production server. By mistake, apparently. Coz he doesn't know shit about server management. But that egoist ass won't admit and fucked the production server.
And then ran away. We developers sprang into action. Updated dns to point to staging server, setup virtual hosts, env files, point to prod database, force flush dns cache. All systems were up and running in 30 mins. And since it was staging server, it had lot of untested features and codes, and we spent rest of the day fixing the bugs.
And that tech head, who ran away hiding his tail between his legs, after he fucked the server, came back after systems were up. And started cracking jokes, that "so many features got released in 1 day" . "We cut server cost by shutting down 1 server."
We were struggling and working in full throttle to make the services running again. And that fuckity fucker was cracking jokes.
And I don't even know what excuse he gave to ceo for the downtime. I am pretty sure he would have made up some crappy excuse to hide his fucking mistake. That ass never admits his mistake. I am thinking to go to ceo today and tell the real story and get that faggot head fired or at least a strict warning.4 -
Here's another fact: people that use redundant formulas like 'the exact same' in development tutorials immensely enjoy sucking weasels arseholes and going to libraries in order to ask for books on how to read.7
-
How exactly do you take a crappy hello world program 'for a spin'?
Sometimes I almost get the impression all tutorial makers, presenters, speakers and teachers who explain programming languages and frameworks to their audience just talk like that in order to piss me off, specifically me, even though I know it's not true, absurd even.
One of the first things I read shortly before I started programming was that a basic understanding of how language, semantics and syntax work is a definite prerequisite to write meaningful programs.
If that's actually true, why the FLYING, CUNTING, STINKING, STICKY SNOTBALLS are so many so-called programmers and self-proclaimed developers not able to understand the principles of denotation and connotation? And how the fuck did so many idiots get into our part of the industry in the first place?
I know this is one of those things AGAIN that piss me off far more than they should, but FUCK, THAT'S SO GODDAMN ANNOYING!18 -
My face when a customer cancels the order to develop an online shop for them, just to instead build the shop on their own using a 5€/mo webpage builder.
The fuck?4 -
After twenty minutes on hold while on the so-called service line of a big, shitty cheap hoster (translated by me):
Legend:
M = Me
S = Service person
S: "Hello, how can I help you?"
M: "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of my client ..." *customer ID, etc.* I've set up their WordPres page a while ago, everything worked fine, but now I'm getting an error that tells me the PHP Curl module is not working anymore. I've checked and it's true. Please reinstall it or switch it back on so my client's website will work again."
S (smug and cunty as fuck): "Well, if curling(!) is not on, then it's probably not meant to be on."
M (supressing laughter): "First of all, it's not 'curling' it's Curl, a PHP module. It was on, otherwise the website wouldn't have worked, now it's not. Switch it back on, please. If you cannot do it, get me someone on the phobe who can, please."
S (slightly intimidated, but now spiteful): "I can't do that, if it's not on, it's probably not covered by your contract and ..."
M (annoyed): "That's nonsense. A minute ago you didn't even know what Curl was, so you're obviously imcompetent in this area, and I neither have the patience nor the time to explain your job to you. Please get me to your supervisor or somebody who isn't as useless and rude as you."
S: *hangs up*
M: *now fucking pissed off, feeling the vein on my forehead pulsing, on the verge of calling back*
*my phone rings, I take the call, it's a guy from the company, who also sounds like a service guy, he starts taking as if nothing had happened*
S: "We've reloaded the Apache configuration and Curl should now be working correctly."
M: (not saying anything, instead reloading the phpinfo script and seeing it finally works)
S: "Hello? Are you still there?"
M: *hangs up*
What the fuck kind of service is this? Fucking assholes.9 -
If you really think I'm going to fall for your silly, vague provocations, just so you can call me and make it seem a necessary reaction to something I've misunderstood and talk the hind legs off a fucking donkey about the stupid things you want me to do, you're thicker than a tar slushy.
I'm still on vacation until Monday, so go fuck yourself with a hot poker. Your idiotic 'ideas' can wait, and so can you.6 -
Although I'm a Linux fan, I have to admit a few things:
1. BSD has the best mascot BY FAR.
2. Windows XP had the best sounds. Almost orgasmic...
3. Apple has the best fanboys. You see all those retards camping out of an Apple store waiting for a new gadget, it makes you feel good about yourself...
4. I would also say something about Google and Android, but they know what kind of porn I watch, so I think it's wise to skip that one...7 -
Why the hell do people make websites with VALID SSL certs redirect BACK TO HTTP? What the fuck is wrong with them?!5
-
All the fucking stuff you have to do before starting your well-earned vacation.
I you didn't tell everybody what the fuck to do, you'd get called by your dumbest client standing headfirst in a telephone booth with their cock on the loose after just one day, because the instructions on how to do what you normally do were unclear.
Why are most people so fucking stupid? I mean, I'm already a fucking idiot, and I'm still amazed how stupid most people act most of the time.
Yeah. That's why I leave detailed instructions for everybody, lest they hang themselves with their old ass phone cord while trying to call you just to ask whether the bright rectangle should be switched on or off in order for them to read their fucking emails.
But who the fuck am I kidding? Memo to self: don't send instructions per mail.6 -
So a guy approached me for his e-commerce idea. He wanted a "good looking" website and Android app for around just 5000 INR (~ $80), including the domain and server cost. Fucker didn't have any respect for Devs.11
-
Someone just rang the IT Helpdesk moaning that outlook wasn't syncing his mail and it was because the brand new laptop he's just gotten is crap.
So first, the guy on the helpdesk asked to log into the users laptop to look at outlook.
He apparently isn't at his laptop and doesn't have time for anyone to log in!
Wtf lol
So he rings back 10 mins later when at his laptop but wont let the helpdesk log in as he has 'confidential' documents open.
Wtf, close them, why are you ringing us to look at your laptop if you won't let us log on?? lol
So helpdesk was like ok, just check cat cable is plugged in, check wifi is off, do a send/receive etc. and the user's like yes, they're all okay!
Helpdesk tells him to reboot his pc. He does so.
Doesn't resolve it.
Skip forward another 10 painful minutes while the helpdesk guy is pulling his hair out checking everything in the background, and all looks fine.
User then says "should i also turn off my iPhone?"
Helpdesk: 'No, outlook is just on your laptop'.
User: 'No *assured laugh* its on my phone too. I get emails there too'
Helpdesk: 'No, you use the generic 'Mail' app on your phone. Outlook is a separate app. We don't use it.'
User: 'But you're not listening, regardless of the app name, that's my problem, mail's not working on my phone'.
Helpdesk: '.....so why didn't you say so 20 minutes ago when i asked to log into ur laptop?'
User: 'Didn't think it was relevant. Laptop was fine. Assumed you'd know'.
...........
Why.
Why???
Why.
Shockingly, a phone restart fixed it. The user couldn't remember the last time he'd turned the thing off.11 -
*fortunes and tons of research spent on machine learning, signal processing and pattern recognition*
People:
7 -
Microsoft is so utterly fucking incompetent, they can't even properly provide their own fucking Virtual Box images.
Either the download fails or the fucking things won't unzip. I'd get riled up even more about this, but luckily everything already worked in IE11 on my actual Win10 gaming rig. It just would have been nice to set up a set of clean, new virtual machines for more intensive testing/potential hotfixing next week, but 'nope!' says Microsoft.
Why is anybody afraid of Microsoft taking over GitHub, when, in fact, they cannot even get dead simple shit like this right?
Fucking incompetent, amateurish idiots.17 -
Am I really the only one who thinks that *nix and Un*x are fucking idiotic terms for 'Unix-like'?
Linux (and go fuck yourselves with the old GNU/Linux or Linux debate altogether) is Unix-like and last time I checked '*nix' and 'Un*x' don't fit schema for Linux in any way. Same for other Unix-like OSs. Yes, there are Xenix and Minix, but how the fuck do FreeBSD, Sun OS or Solaris fit that stupid schema? I don't even want to know how people who use that shit write regular expressions.
What's so hard about just writing out 'Unix-like' you fucking lazy morons? I assume nobody actually pronounces 'Un*x' or '*nix', anyway, because "yu en star thingy ex" is pretty long and 'asterisk nix' will twist your and make you sound fucking stupid.
I don't know how things line that get me riled
up so much, but I'm generally in a bad mood, so how about you go fuck yourself?15 -
"Why do you think we should delay launching the new site?"
Because it's late afternoon on a Friday.
"So? What does it matter?"
Here's a bunch of good reasons.
"Nah let's do it today anyways."3 -
So, this dumb roommate of mine (graduated in CS) comes one day and says..
"Ruby on Rails was developed for the railways!"
And he was serious not joking. Fking serious!
I almost burst my brain nerve laughing that day!! 😂
P.s. I'm changing roommates this session.14 -
Dear designers/project managers,
I am a developer. That means you don't have to explain simple programming concepts to me that you half know and think you fully understand as if I have never seen code before.
Save your breath and stop being so condescending. You don't know half as much as you think.
Thanks, from one annoyed dev.4 -
Overheard some guy talking about robotics on the phone, turns out it was all about MS excel macros.
people need to stop abusing terms like big data, AI etc. to make them sound 'smart' 🙄5 -
CS graduates that have never gone beyond "Hello World", fuck college and it's "system".
So the actual victims of the story are friends of mine, CS colleagues, but I can't help but share as the existence of code freeloaders enfuriates me.
At college in order to graduate you need to present a project in form of a thesis a side from your actual thesis, there is a shortage of pre-approved projects and everyone wants one.
A talented friend of mine who has many years of programming experience got in one with another friend of mine and a lady who I've never seen before. One Saturday night my friend and I were having some beers at a local bar and his phone didn't stop beeping so I jokingly said:
"Bro, tell your girl you need some space", he laughed and explained it was the chick from her project having some "issues" with node.
"So? Tell her to google it, it's Saturday night", he explained the girl has never coded before even though she's about to graduate so she had take it upon herself to pressure him to finish ASAP so she can graduate and get an already agreed position at the federal energy commission... As dev!
I've seen my bud in a lot of dumb calls with said chick trying to explain how you CAN'T COMPILE THE NODE WEBSERVER TO A .EXE!
It frustrated me how such an idiot can go through a CS major buying homeworks and getting low self-esteem geeks to code for her. Then I realized that as an aspiring InfoSec guy, lazy idiots coding is good for business.8 -
Stupid boss story:
I got a job doing embedded media hardware stuff last year. From day one, it was pretty clear that management didn't like me (being called a faggot and a tranny tends to give one that impression) and had no fucking clue what they were doing (they are IT managers after all). I have a largely self taught infosec/hardware-design background and probably could have done all their jobs myself without even smoking more than usual, but I was the only one on staff who was never promoted despite easily working twice the hours. After bringing up the issue, my boss gave the position I wanted to an employee known for being an incompetent piece of shit, likely to spite me, and the same day sent an "automated" email saying that all staff in my section had been laid off due to restructuring, except that email didn't have a Bcc marking and was sent personally rather than using the corporate mass mailer. I'm back to doing the usual grey hat OSINT and people-finding, and it *just so happens* that a long time friend wants dirt on folks who it turns out are in regular contact with my old employers. Lucky me ;)7 -
Sometimes the design decisions of big companies amazes me.
I wanted to contact support of Cloudflare. The only way to submit a new support query is by logging into the account first.
My problem is that I can not log into my account. What a bunch of retards.7 -
Some of you might have seen it already, those who didn't just have to.
One of the best rants I've read lately.
"Our security auditor is an idiot. How do I give him the information he wants?"
https://serverfault.com/questions/...7 -
I love stackoverflow!
1. Developer who knows SO, and loves it : Yeah, my friend!
2. Developer who knows SO, but hates it : Go home, you're drunk.
3. Normal people who doesn't know the dev world : Why would you like a stack to overflow?
4. Normal people who is a tech savvy : Ah, the place where people share their questions and answers to make a better software and to be together? I never used it, but I heard it is awesome!
5. Idiots : What is that?
6. Grammarly : Recommended word is "stack overflow"
7. Dishwasher : Fatal error!7 -
Yesterday my father called me and asked if I'd have a look at his website to exchange his logo with a new one and make some string changes in the backend. Well, of course I did and hell am I glad I did it.
He had that page made a few years ago by some cousin of a friend who "is really good with computers", it's a small web shop for car parts and, as usual costumer accounts. Costumer Accounts with payment infos.
Now I've seen a lot of bad practices when it comes to handling passwords and I've surely done a few questionable things myself but this idiot took the cake. When a new account was registered his php script would read the login page, look for a specific comment and add a string "'account; password'," below into to a js array. In clear text. On the website. One doesn't even have to breach the db, it's just there, F12 and you got all the log ins.
Seriously, we really need a licensing system for devs, those were two or three years this shit was live, 53 accounts... Now I've gotta decipher this entire bowl of spaghetti just to see if he has done any more unspeakable things.4 -
The fuck did you think was going to happen?
User: ITs dragging their feet which is why x hasn't gone out yet.
PM: Why hasn't this gone out yet?
Me: They sent me a template then another and then said wait that's wrong too I'll send you the correct one.
I've yet to receive this and no one's provided me the data to check over.
PM: Well that's not what x said.
Me: Well my email chain says so. (Proceed to show them the emails)
PM then walks off and blasts the users. Your #blamegame ended the moment you emailed me knob shits.1 -
When someone asks me a stupid question,
I always answer:
You have the Knowledge of the Entire world and human race in your pocket,
FUCKING USE IT! DONT ASK ME! GOOGLE IT! BING IT! WHATEVER! JUST DONT ASK ME!2 -
Oh god, my first proper rant...
Ok, I am finally fucking sick of all these people shit talking game engines because some people make shitty games with them.
What does it matter what game engine someone uses, unreal engine, game maker, unity, it doesn't matter what you use.
If you think an engine is shit, make your own engine from scratch with all your code, Jesus Christ people -.-12 -
I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS BUY NEW STUFF WHEN THEIR OLD THINGS WORK PERFECTLY FINE!
FFS PEOPLE ARE JUST FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT NOWADAYS! I MEAN, FIRST THEYRE LIKE, oh we need to save the planet bla bla.... THEN THEIR LIKE!
OMFG! NEW IPHONE X WOLOLO MUST HAVE! OMG MY OLD PHONE IS WORKING PERFECTLY FINE BUT ITS THE NEW IPHONE OMG!
I MEAN! COME FUCKING ON! WHAT IDIOTS! IF ITS WORKING, KEEP IT!
#NoHomo14 -
This was in my first semester in college. Some dude installed Teamviewer on any PC he got the chance to. There were people (idiots) who saw him remotely access PC and thought he was some crazy hacker!....
Damn. The amount of idiots I've come across with shitconceptions on hacking.4 -
Am I the only one who is triggered by seeing all of the stupid articles claiming Java is bad introduction language? Just becuase Standford decided to change it to JavaScript? What the actual fuck? How students should learn the fundamentals concept of OOP in scripting language?
Don't get me wrong, I hate using Java for real life projects. But there is a reason why almost every university use it as introduciton language. It's great start to learn programming. Saying that the 'Hello World' in Java is complex and can scare people away, it's complete nonsens. For fuck sake, yes programming should be fun, but it is also hard. People can understand that they are going to learn what 'public static voiď means later. It's the structure of many Computer Science classes. It's the assigments that are not designed in engaging and fun way for newcomers. That's the problem, not the language.28 -
Alright so listen to this. I was working on a project, it was a fork of another github repo. So the project is mainly based in PHP, simple enough right?
Anyways I have my version working and I put it up as a website and am doing fairly well with it. I was trying to advertise it a bit on reddit ( pay attention to the trying ) then someone comes along and asks how I made it and all that.
Just trying to be kind I tell them what I used and all that to make it. Then they come back a few hours later explaining that they are trying to make their own version for "fun". Then they proceed to explain that they are having some issues with it, it obviously is something in the back-end (they must've fucked up something).
So I politely ask them to show me the code so I can help them fix it.
He refuses.
So we exchanged a bit. What his excuse for not showing me his code ( Keep in mind he is also taking this from an open-source software same as me he has simply broken something and can't fix it himself ) is he doesn't want me stealing his ideas...
I nearly snapped when he did that, I had already seen the site he made, from that end it wasn't anymore spectacular than mine and no serious changes seemed to have occurred. The best part is that it was broken. He asked for my help and refused to let me see the code so I told him that I simply couldn't help him fix it then. He goes and is just going alright.
Next he then asks me how I solved this issue and that issue and he wanted the code that I used to fix each of these little issues. Pretty much to the point that it would've been a clone of my site. So I just didn't give him anything.
Didn't hear from him for a few hours, next thing I know he messages me asking if he can fix my site so it is mobile friendly...First off my site is mobile friendly and works pretty well. I have been spending a lot more quality time to work on this than him.
Moral of the story is, some people are retards.5 -
Fucking retards. They make us submit 3 fully fledged fucking Android apps (with ALL the generated boilerplate crap), all zipped into one fucking folder which cannot exceed 10MB.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU DUNG-EATING PREHISTORIC APE ?! ONE PROJECT ALONE IS 60 MB, HOW IN THE MOTHER-FLIPPING HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FIT 3 OF THOSE INTO 10 MEASLY MEGABYTES?!
Ever heard of git you moth-eating-cactus-fucking pricks?! Time has come to learn it !!! Private repos are a thing, you cocksuckers.
May your bed be infested with bugs and your code riddled with Greek semi-colons. Fucking dimwits.9 -
I’m working for fucking idiots. Here is an actual conversation I had with my boss today.
Me: I checked the numbers, and barely anyone is using our app more than once. Not only is a minuscule amount of people downloading it (we have 300 downloads), but none of those people use it more than once. Use retention is important and we’re failing in that regard.
Boss: User retention doesn’t matter. Investors don’t care about that. Blah blah blah all we need is marketing blah blah. We just need a bunch of people to download once. That’s all that marketers care about....in fact, an potential investor himself told me that he doesn’t care (obvious lie)
Me: Well, can I talk to this investor? What’s his name? Is he in California or India/China?
Boss: oh you can’t be at the investor meeting. It’s high level. Just don’t worry about it. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.
On the bright side, this whole exchange has motivated me even more in my quest to find a new job. And I guess it’s important to learn what not to do from idiots7 -
The requirements for some Jr. Developer positions is just nuts.
I guess they expect full developers for junior pay..crazy.
Jr. Full Stack Developer
Requirements:
The Primary Skill set for Developer :
MUST HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH:
Angular JS
BDD (Behavior Driven Development)
AWS Beanstalk
Spring Boot
Other Skills
Java or Node JS Development background
Experience with Spring framework
Springboot
Spring Data
Experience using Dockers
Experience using Kubernetes
Experience using Modern CI/CD such as bitbucket, Semaphore, Spinnaker
Experience using Mongo DB or Azure Cosmos DB (preferred)4 -
So this fucktard decided to write the most inefficient way to collect thousands of records.
The system I am working on allows users to book facilities. There is one feature where an admin can generate reports on the bookings made between any two dates. A report for bookings made between January and April generates 7878 records.
So this shithead, after making a call to the server and receiving 7878 records decides to put it through 4 fucking foreach loops (this takes around 44.94 seconds).
After doing that, he passes it to the controller to go through ANOTHER foreach loop to convert those records into a JSON string, using..string..manipulation. (this takes bloody 1 minute and 30 seconds).
Now, my dear, dear supervisor is asking me to fix this saying that there must be a typo somewhere. Typo my arse. This system has been up for more than a year. What have they been doing all this time??? Bloody hell. Fucking idiots everywhere. I now have to refactor
..fucking refactor.2 -
Client: “I’m sorry I just don’t understand the issue with the contract?
You said logging into Facebook was easy, what’s the issue with feature X (= complex graph API queries based on opinions and sentiment) and displaying images and videos, it’s the same thing!!!”
... no sir, it is NOT2 -
Warning: long read....
I got a call this morning from a client who was panicking about not being able to login to his web panel.
So I went to the web panel and tried to login and was just redirected back to the login page. No errors or anything (at least visible on the page). Went looking for an error_log file and found it.
It turns out there was an error was showing: Disk quota exceeded.
So I went into the cPanel and checked, he used about 16GB out of 100GB and that got me confused. So I looked around and found out he was using about 510000/500000 inodes.
Went looking trough FTP to see where he has so many files and try and remove some.
Well it turns out that there were about 7 injected websites (warez, online casino, affiliate one etc) and a full hacking web panel on his FTP. After detailed analysis some who actually built the site (I just maintain some parts) made an upload form available to public with any checks on it. Meaning anyone could upload whatever they wanted and the form would allow it.
The worst part is that the client is not allowing us to secure the form with some sort of login or remove it completely (the best option) as it is not really needed but he uses it to upload some pdf catalogs or something.
TL; DR;
Old programmer created an upload form that was accessible to anyone on the web without adding any security or check as to see what kind of files was getting uploaded. Which lead to having maximum number on inodes used on server and client being unable to login.
Side note:
And ofc I had to go and fix the mess behind him again, even though he stopped working a long time ago and I started just recently and have been having nightmares of this project.2 -
When you learn your project will be launched Monday in an email sent to the whole company, just before the weekend...
I'm not even kidding. No one on our team was consulted if the app was ready or not.
There was no infrastructure in place to even deploy the app. Everything had to be done in a hurry over the weekend to deploy something half baked, thanks to that idiot project manager who told his boss everything was ready.
Two colleagues ended up doing this work over the weekend, but looking back, if I was the one having to get something deployed over the weekend, I would have just refused and come back to work as usual on Monday and watch that idiot explain why it's not live. -
Resumes don't mean jack shit!!
I just got off an interview call with a candidate for a hardware role. On paper this guy is absolute gold, having worked for some of the best robotics companies and research groups(in India at least) It took me an hour to realize that the was just spitting out buzz words. So I started asking him some very fundamental questions, like ohms law and such.. high school stuff. But, phrased in real world terms. And it took me another half an hour to realize that the guy is dumber than a sack of peanuts!
I can't believe how easy it is for people to coast by on paths paved by seniors and teammates. By any objective assessment this guy would be lucky to get a job as an electrician and instead I'm wasting my time interviewing him for a six figure salary (well, the Indian equivalent). Gaaah!!7 -
CEO: if we would not give new features, clients would be bored and would not pay for tool.
me: but don't you think we should fix buggy old code, that would reduce effort and time that we daily invest in prod bugs?
CEO: I'm not saying we should not fix them but we should maintain the balance which is 80-20. 80% of our work would include adding new features.
😑
Next day in morning receives email:
There is a production issue, fix it asap.
😬11 -
Your so-called 'coding blog' provides a hundred lines of code examples formatted in a non-mono-spaced typeface without syntax highlighting?
I'm sorry, but you are a tool, not a programmer or developer, and your blog is as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit.
Please delete your blog and sell your fancy domain, so that I don't have to see your buzzfeed bullshit in my search results, when I am researching solutions for complicated problems. And stop wasting everybody's valuable time, you stupid, annoying, greedy, self-absorbed, worthless fucking idiot.8 -
This sort of shit really pisses me off, yes PC has a higher market share, but I had to comment. Mobile gaming dwarfs PC so should we even bother with PC?
And people are agreeing with his point, it's fucking stupid, people should be able to enjoy something no matter what platform, linux, Mac, windows or anything else...
Fuck heads...
29 -
I propose to follow ourselves on GitHub to make our profiles more interesting for those idiots that don't give you the job because "you are not a popular person in GitHub".
Post your profile!
www.github.com/luxarts27 -
I cannot wait to leave my job. I love my bosses, but the customer service people are the fucking worst!
Since I'm the only developer day in and day out I hear the same problems of people forgetting how to do so something over and over and over. Then they yell at me because they say I don't train them enough.
I WASTE 8 HOURS A WEEK RETRAINING YOU SHIT HEADS BUT NONE OF YOU TAKE NOTES IN THE MEETINGS!!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT IF YOU THINK YOU PEA SIZED BRIAN WILL REMEMBER ANYTHING!
AND ITS NOT LIKE THE SYSTEM IS HARD! THERE ARE TOOLTIPS AND CUSTOM ERROR MESSAGES THAT YOU JUST CHOOSE NOT TO READ!
I am just so burned out of answer the same damn questions day in and day out4 -
Public announcement: if you build shitty software and get called out for it, either fix it and stand up for it, or fuck off. Nobody needs your idiotic passive aggressive tone.
Thank you1 -
We have this incredible Jira system that allows anyone with half a brain to report anomalies, add some screenshots in it, a description, links, everything.
Then WHY THE FUCK would you add a fucking docx file in which there are 2 lines and one screenshot? What blocked you to add the fucking content of your docx shit to the fucking Jira?
I swear to god, some people should be medically forbidden to come close to a computer4 -
"So you are a computer geek right?" Yeah!
"So how do I hack my friend's Facebook profile?"
HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS PEOPLE
I had this situation quite several times. pls10 -
You know what really grinds my gears? As a junior webdeveloper (mostly backend) I try my hardest to deliver quality content and other people's ignorance is killing me in my current job.
Let's rant about a recent project I had under my hood, for this project (a webshop) I had to restructure the database and had to include validation on basicly every field (what the heck, no validation I hear you say??), apperently they let an incompetent INTERN make this f***king webshop. The list of mistakes in this project can bring you close to the moon I'd say, seriously.
Database design 101 is basicly auto incremented ID's, and using IDs in general instead of using name (among a list of other stuff obv.). Well, this intern decided it was a good idea to filter a custom address-book module based on a NAME, so it wasn't setup as: /addressbook/{id} (unique ID, never a problem) but as /addressbook/{name}, which results in only showing one address if the first names on the addresses are the same. Lots of bugs that go by this type of incompetence and ignorance. Want to hear another joke? Look no further, this guy also decided it was a great idea to generate the next ID of an order. So the ordernumber wasn't made up by the auto incremented id on the order model, but by a count of all the orders and that was the next order number. This broke so many times, unbelievable.
To close the list of mistakes off, the intern decided it was a great idea to couple the address of a user directly to an order. Because the user is able to ship stuff to addresses within his addressbook, this bug could delete whole orders out of the system by simply deleting the address in your addressbook.
Enough about my intern rant, after working my ass of and going above and beyond the expectations of the customer, the guy from sales who was responsible for it showed what an a**hole he was. Lets call this guy Tom.
Little backstory: our department is a very small part of the company but we are responsible for so much if you think about it. The company thinks we've transitioned to company wide SCRUM, but in reality we are so far from it. I think the story below is a great example of what causes this.
Anyway, we as the web department work within Gitlab. All of our issues and sprints are organized and updated within this place. The rest of the company works with FileMaker, such a pile of shit software but I've managed to work around its buggyness. Anyway, When I was done with the project described above I notified all the stakeholders, this includes Tom. I made a write-up of all the changes I had made to the project, including screenshots and examples, within Gitlab. I asked for feedback and made sure to tag Tom so he was notified of my changes to the project.
After hearing nothing for 2 weeks, guess who came to my desk yesterday? F**king tom asking what had changed during my time on the project. I told him politely to check Gitlab and said on a friendly tone that I had notified him over 2 weeks ago. He, I shit you not, blantly told me that he never looks on there "because of all the notifications" and that I should 'tell him what to do' within FileMaker (which I already had updated referencing Gitlab with the write-up of my changes). That dick move of him made me lose all respect for this guy, what an ignorant piece of shit he is afterall.
The thing that triggers me the most in the last story is that I spent so much free time to perfect the project I was working on (the webshop). I even completed some features which weren't scheduled during the sprint I was working on, and all I was asking for was a little appreciation and feedback. Instead, he showed me how ignorant and what a dick he was.
I absolutely have no reason to keep on working for this company if co-workers keep treating me like this. The code base of the webshop is now in a way better condition, but there are a dozen other projects like this one. And guess what? All writen by the same intern.
/rant :P10 -
People who use 'automagically' in serious conversations are fucking idiots. There are no exceptions whatsoever.12
-
Did you fucking idiots think that I was gonna tell you to implement async await on the requests and not notice that you IMPLWMENTED GODDAMN SYSTEM-SLEEP YOU DESNE MOTHERFUCKEDS IT NOT TAKES 10X AS LONG AS MY OATCH TO JUST LIMIT THE NUMBER IF HTTP REQUESTS FOR FUCJS SAKE THIS CODE LOONS LIKE A RACCOON FUCKED AN MACBOOK THAT ALSO GOT FUCKED BY A GOAT FROM CHERNOBYL THAT SOMEHOW MUTATED TO A RACCOON GOAT 🐐 MACBOOK 💻 HYBRID ABOMINATION THAT IS NOW CLAWING MY EYES OUT AND GIVING ME RABIESCANCERAIDS5
-
OMFG I don't even know where to start..
Probably should start with last week (as this is the first time I had to deal with this problem directly)..
Also please note that all packages, procedure/function names, tables etc have fictional names, so every similarity between this story and reality is just a coincidence!!
Here it goes..
Lat week we implemented a new feature for the customer on production, everything was working fine.. After a day or two, the customer notices the audit logs are not complete aka missing user_id or have the wrong user_id inserted.
Hm.. ok.. I check logs (disk + database).. WTF, parameters are being sent in as they should, meaning they are there, so no idea what is with the missing ids.
OK, logs look fine, but I notice user_id have some weird values (I already memorized most frequent users and their ids). So I go check what is happening in the code, as the procedures/functions are called ok.
Wow, boy was I surprised.. many many times..
In the code, we actually check for user in this apps db or in case of using SSO (which we were) in the main db schema..
The user gets returned & logged ok, but that is it. Used only for authentication. When sending stuff to the db to log, old user Id is used, meaning that ofc userid was missing or wrong.
Anyhow, I fix that crap, take care of some other audit logs, so that proper user id was sent in. Test locally, cool. Works. Update customer's test servers. Works. Cool..
I still notice something off.. even though I fixed the audit_dbtable_2, audit_dbtable_1 still doesn't show proper user ids.. This was last week. I left it as is, as I had more urgent tasks waiting for me..
Anyhow, now it came the time for this fuckup to be fixed. Ok, I think to myself I can do this with a bit more hacking, but it leaves the original database and all other apps as is, so they won't break.
I crate another pck for api alone copy the calls, add user_id as param and from that on, I call other standard functions like usual, just leave out the user_id I am now explicitly sending with every call.
Ok this might work.
I prepare package, add user_id param to the calls.. great, time to test this code and my knowledge..
I made changes for api to incude the current user id (+ log it in the disk logs + audit_dbtable_1), test it, and check db..
Disk logs fine, debugging fine (user_id has proper value) but audit_dbtable_1 still userid = 0.
WTF?! I go check the code, where I forgot to include user id.. noup, it's all there. OK, I go check the logging, maybe I fucked up some parameters on db level. Nope, user is there in the friggin description ON THE SAME FUCKING TABLE!!
Just not in the column user_id...
WTF..Ok, cig break to let me think..
I come back and check the original auditing procedure on the db.. It is usually used/called with null as the user id. OK, I have replaced those with actual user ids I sent in the procedures/functions. Recheck every call!! TWICE!! Great.. no fuckups. Let's test it again!
OFC nothing changes, value in the db is still 0. WTF?! HOW!?
So I open the auditing pck, to look the insides of that bloody procedure.. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
Instead of logging the p_user_sth_sth that is sent to that procedure, it just inserts the variable declared in the main package..
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Did the 'new guy' made changes to this because he couldn't figure out what is wrong?! Nope, not him. I asked the CEO if he knows anything.. Noup.. I checked all customers dbs (different customers).. ALL HAD THIS HARDOCED IN!!! FORM THE FREAKING YEAR 2016!!! O.o
Unfuckin believable.. How did this ever work?!
Looks like at the begining, someone tried to implement this, but gave up mid implementation.. Decided it is enough to log current user id into BLABLA variable on some pck..
Which might have been ok 10+ years ago, but not today, not when you use connection pooling.. FFS!!
So yeah, I found easter eggs from years ago.. Almost went crazy when trying to figure out where I fucked this up. It was such a plan, simple, straight-forward solution to auditing..
If only the original procedure was working as it should.. bloddy hell!!11 -
Soo I am the only tech-guy in my family and it's a bit like:
Other: You do program?
Me: yes?
Other: pls repair my printer!
And you guys know how awful that is, aren't you? But in my family it gets tougher...
Today my older sister asked me how to save data from a broken HDD. I said I know a guy who's doing forensic on HDDs and he could make that.
She's like: "but a friend of mine said it could be done easier with software"
And yes, it is! But not that successful...
Now's the point she killed me instantly!
She said: "he opened the HDD and said the disks look fine they could be easily added to a new HDD"....
WHAT THE ACUTAL FUCK I SAID NOW YOUR DRIVE IS BROKEN FOREVER! AND THEN SHE INSULTED ME AND BLOCKED ME ON FUCKING WHATSAPP! SHE IS LEARNING WEBDESIGN WHY THE FUCK DON'T TEACH HER THE BASICS OF FUCKING COMPUTERS! Oh for fuck sakes....6 -
Classroom fuckery: I'm in a Computer Information Technology program and I usually spend the last hour of class working on code. Most of the people in this program are going into networking or security. This kid looks over and freaks out, starts yelling that I'm breaking into the school's network. I was on freecodecamp.com.5
-
Do you know what kind of shit fucks become HR?
Those who use hashtags in comments for most ridiculous words.
'Hey! I was wondering who all are glad... Only if more people use #Glad, it would be easier for me to figure out this critical information'
13 -
Fuck recruiters, they are the scum of the earth. I just had one contact me out of the blue about two opportunities with companies I'd never heard off. As I knew nothing about the companies I started asking questions around who they were and what they were looking to do. He suddenly gets all defensive and refuses to answer my questions, then follows up with an email accusing me of being an "underhanded recruiter" looking to poach his clients. Sorry mate, you got in contact with me you absolute fuckwit. Without people like us you wouldn't even have a bloody job you fucking vampire. For someone that supposedly specialises in the tech sector, I had to point out that if he really doubted who I was he could drop my name into StackOverflow or github to verify that im a developer. Recruiters - they're all fucking leeches.4
-
So last semester, my college made a class compulsory to attend.
We were taught, "How to install MongoDB on Windows"...
With screenshots, not even live installation.
I wanted to die.. So much.. 😖4 -
Got a request from a client to remove the dot on the i because umlauts are bad for SEO in URL paths3
-
If you're going to request CRITICAL changes to thousands of records in the database, and approve it through testing which is done on an exact replica of production, then tell me it was done incorrectly after the fact it has been implemented and you didn't actually review the changes made to the data or business logic that you requested then you are an idiot. Our staging environment is there to ensure all the changes are accurate you useless human. Its the data you provided, I didn't just magically pull it from thin air to make yours and my job a pain the ass.9
-
Signed up for a driving class...
This is what i get in the mail shortly after.
Fucking fantastic guys! Saving passwords plaintext. Is it because of the government?
16 -
Agile: ✅
Agile practices: ✅
Certified Agile practitioners: ❌😡 powerpoint jockeys 👺💥⚡️failed programmers 💩 timewasting idiots 😥 -
I'm so angry that apparently I have no words.
Why the fuck do people blame the /software/ for being "shitty" when it's really the community using that software who are shit-spewing analmongers.
Communication software lets you communicate! Gee, what a novelty!
Communication software does not harass, dogpile, antagonise, or otherwise shit on you. People do, because certain kinds of people would have been better off as a wankstain.
Besides, if you're gonna piss on the dick-bees nest you should expect to have an angry, throbbing mob of no-brain idiots come after you.
(Because you're an idiot too, you sorry excuse for pubic hair.)
I guess I lied. I had words.7 -
Here is a brief list:
- Idiots from marketing
- idiots from sales
- the lawnmower man (while doing his job)
- sun
- AC off && summer
- no ventilation / fresh air
- civil defense siren tests (we're just next to one...)
- idiots talking to me while I'm on my headphone
- music stops
- phone rings
- light theme
- devRant
- MySql Workbench
- etc2 -
Coming up to (very) tight deadline..
Manager - "Stick in a temporary fix, if the data is mocked out it will do for the demo. We really want to show this feature."
Me - "Okay, I"ll pick up the technical debt after the demo."
*Changes are coded and rolled out*
Manager calls me over to his desk..
Manager - "This feature isn't bringing back real data."
Do these kind of people exist in all companies?
2 -
My documents finally arrived at uni. 3 days past due date and it took 15 days instead of the promised 4.
Now, right after the arrival, the post sent out an automated email saying "we investigated it and it has now arrived!"
... And I'm looking for all the words to beat the living shit out of these morons right now. I am so angry I could just grab a nailed bat, go to every post office and trash all their computers and scanners (which are expensive afaik) and... Thinking of which, good thing that I have a special set of skills and I'll be out of the country soon enough 😏😏😏
... Eh, it's a waste of time and skills tho. I shouldn't even waste a second thinking about these incompetent poopy-brains. 😑17 -
> Tells client, if content isn't hosted on their server somewhere, we'll have to update the app every time they need new content
> Client refuses saying it will take too much time and effort to maintain
*Several weeks later*
> Get email from client asking to update the app because content is out of date
> I want to reply with 'Sorry no can do, it will take too much time and effort to maintain'8 -
You know what really annoys the fucking piss out of me? When clients send me long ass emails with superfluous line breaks everywhere.
Those blockheads must be convinced the way they see their miserable scribble displayed in the last shitty email reader that still happens to work on Windows XP is the only way text can be displayed everywhere; in lines of five fucking words each.
Fucking idiots! As if it wasn't annoying enough to read these emails and respond to these fucktards, their sheer idiocy pisses me off the most.
YOU ARE GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKING STUPID! WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASSOCIATING WITH DUMB CUNTS LIKE YOU?7 -
!rant
For the second time in a row, one of our customers decided not to pay their server. The server, on which a lot of the work we did for them (online shop) was hosted. Shortly after completion, we specifically told them to backup their stuff on a daily basis, secure their server and regularly update it... Guess who did neither of those things, in addition to not paying their server after more than 5 reminders, and still complains about their shop being offline. Fucking idiots.2 -
Me: ...blockchain...
*Wanna be techies*
*Investors*
*Dude who read a few articles about blockchain*
2 -
First rant, be gentle.
(Former) students will understand the pain of group projects. Especially when it's just the 2nd semester and you're the only one in your group who has any coding experience whatsoever. So it's the week before the deadline (and also finals) and I should really be studying for my exams, but I have to spend every day after school fixing everything the other idiots broke while trying to work on the project. The night before our deadline they called me in the middle of the night because someone "didn't do anything but suddenly nothing works" - had to get out of bed again and spend 2 hours bugfixing. The problem? The dumbass who set up the database forgot to add an auto-increment column to one of the tables so inserts didn't work correctly.
God damn. Next time I'm just going to do it all by myself.9 -
Fuck you Crazy Apple Fans! Fuck you for shoving iPhone X's "innovative" features in the face of every single living being who is not one of you! No, Apple is not the best tech company! It's just a genius marketer, you, dumbass person who thinks he knows a lot about technology!!10
-
Friend : hey! I wanna buy a laptop.. range is about entry level nothing hi fi! But it should work for 3-4 years.
Me : sure.. give me a few hours..i'll get back.
*Looks all around foe the best thing in that price range.
*Sends a list of laptops ranked based on value for money.
Friend : bought it! Yay! 😎😎😎
*Buys the shittiest laptop they could find at that price range with an absolute old age processor.
Why the fuck did you even ask me at the first place? Fucked couple of hours for me.7 -
Can't say I am a religious type, not really into discovering/discussing religions and comparing them either... BUT I do hope there is someplace (like hell on steroids!!) for developers who don't test their code before checking it in and/or puting it on production..
Also another question, can I plead not guilty due to insanity when killing such devs?!? O.o FUuuuuuuuu!!!!2 -
"Oh, let's delete no-reply@domain.tld because that's not needed by anything"
Stupid fucking clients...
Now users can't verify their accounts. Nice!3 -
Someone just overwrote 2 weeks of work in SVN because they don't understand merging.
When they did an update before committing they ignored the conflicts and tried to build their work.
But wait it won't build if their are conflicts, I know I'll just copy this backup over the checkout and check that in instead.
It took me over an hour tho fix this fucktard's mistake and I still don't think they understand what they did wrong. Their supposed to have 40+ years of experience.
In the end it turned out they wanted to change about 10 lines. They had checked in files that they didn't even change, they were just out of date compared to trunk.4 -
Slapping idiots around.
This needs to be a trend.
---
Actual rant :
I'm sitting in this idiot haven completing my mandatory hours doing nothing. Earlier I would spend this time learning stuff but I'm too fed up to do anything. This place is driving me mad and just today I had to suffer through more madness that is blocking me from resolving a bug.(I don't have the license to run the product I'm supposed to be fixing)
The number of inept idiots is too damn high. I try not to be bothered but I can only try so much.4 -
Lels
Before I was unceremoniously laid off by a shit company in which they tried to blame shit on me I was working on a opencv implementation of a proprietary document scanner.
I finished the Android prototype and was working on the ios implementation. It was left unfinished in the ios version because I was building it in swift and obj c to compare code bases.
They launched a shit unfinished Android app of their product without the scanner (they could not add the scanner lels) and have not been able to do shit on the ios version.
I did not give them the Android prototype. There was no binding contract that specified that what I developed was theirs. There is no record of anything.
The scanner? Is still in my phone and I still have the built project in my mac.
Unless them cheap assholes decide to pay another engineer for the opencv implementation, their vbscript php non theory knowing shit lead will have to figure out the required mat obj c swift java cpp code needed to build it.
Top kek -
Sometimes I wonder why my company has a helpdesk for our customers when the help desk doesn't even know how to use the product we sell. I spend more time supporting our helpdesk than I do programming.3
-
Just browsing job postings for fun, see a junior developer posting I thought I would read.
Requirment:
Previous experience as a Web Developer (18 months +)
Who would this role suit:
Graduate Web Developer
Yeah fuck off...3 -
To the cock-sucking dev who decided it was a good idea to commit 5k+ lines of code written in his "own standard" accross multiple files, in a large project where all devs abide strictly to a certain standard set by the project description.
Fucking incompetent douchenoggin, you're about as useful as Anne Franks drum set!
I'm not saying you're the dumbest person on earth, but you sure better hope, he doesn't die.
Deadshit, dick sucking, penis grabbing sorry excuse of a human being.
Peace out.6 -
I really think there should be a subject in every CS course to teach us how to handle/work-under Grade-A assholes and dumbfucks. Not that it would help, but atleast warn us on what we are getting into.
In my opinion, development is not *that* hard or frustrating but is made so by these shitty people. But again, what do I know.
I was scolded by my boss for using for-loop to iterate through an array recently. Apparently for-loop is not used in real world projects and this iteration should be done "in-memory". My colleagues and I are still trying to understand and process that.
I was asked to add fitbit integration to a project within 2 hours just because I had "already done it a week ago" in *another* project. Luckily, it was then given to a "senior" developer who took 4 days for it and essentially copy-pasted my work without much changes, ofcourse it stopped working every now and then.
I am given unreal deadlines on my tasks, on technologies I haven't worked on before, and then expected to churn out production ready code with no bugs in them.
My boss literally just sends me the links of 1st three google results on the problems I encounter and report, after humiliating me ofcourse. Yes, I did google it and yes I went through all I could find from Google forums to GitHub issues. When the library/plugin author himself says that this feature is not yet available, don't expect me to develop it in 2 hours you dumbfuck.
And for the love of God, please stop changing the data model every single day and justify it with agile development. Think before making any changes to it. Ever heard of Join queries? Foreign keys? Or any other basic database concepts.
We reached a point where each branch in the repo had different data model. Not kidding. And we were a team of just 4 developers. Atleast inform us when you change models after discussing it with your shit for knowledge "senior" developer, so we don't have to redo it all over again. The channels on slack are not for sharing random articles only.
I am just waiting to complete my year here.
I should have known what I got myself into the day he asked me to remove the comments I had added to explain what my code does. Why you ask? Because "we don't write comments". -
When you give your team and the client a month+ to test the app and get no feedback, then all of a sudden once it's live in the app store you get an email filled with bug reports....
Were you guys not testing it at all?!
😡🤦♂️3 -
When you haven't bought the item yet but just want to inquire about it, give it a low rating. 'coz that's how the product reviews section works.
2 -
Except my class being full of fucking idiots (see another rant...) I wouldn't change nothing.
Pretty happy right now!2 -
Omg how stupid some people are... Today at my university I used the first time one of the computers in the computer room and there is a portable Firefox installed in a shared space on the computer and that is also where it saved settings etc. So this is the same for every user on that particular computer.
And when I checked the security settings I found that about 10 different accounts were saved and accessible with website username and password.
So of course the shared space Firefox is bad, but you still shouldn't save you password on a public computer :S
PS: If anyone needs a webmail account or an account for the german university network contact me :P4 -
Boss asks us to make sure out documents/instructions to clients are idiot-proof. I am not disagreeing this but usually clients are more idiotic than the most idiotic idiot you can ever imagine...4
-
Mobile phones are from hell >:[ Well, at least my gf's Samsung is from hell. It makes noise for anything. If someone calls, play a stupid melody. If there is a text, play a stupid melody. If its battery needs to be charged, play a stupid melody. If its battery is fully charged, play a stupid melody. Even if it's in the middle of the night and people just maybe would like to get a few minutes of sleep! What's next? Play a stupid melody when the stupid Samsung Android piece of junk wants its diaper changed? Or when it's bored? Or just needs attention? Or when it realises that the word "smart" in smart phones actually means stupid? SHUT UP!!! We don't need a tamagotchi, we already have two kids and two cats to fullfill our tamagotchying needs! Technology is supposed to make life easier, not worse FFS! No wonder so many people get stressed out these days! And you, pathetic people at Samsung, or whoever that come up with these "smart" features that deprave decent people of their sleep, now it's your turn to be woken up! WAKE UP IDIOTS! Get outside your small mobile-bound shitholes of confined fart-filled bubbles! Learn about REAL LIFE, get yourselves nagging gfs, screaming kids and a PUNCH IN YOUR FACES! Maybe that will teach you to manufacture phones that SHUT THE FUCK UP during sleeping hours!31
-
" What's the big deal ?
It's just an if condition right ? " - Every manager / product owner ever.
And all the devs be like #facepalm !3 -
Client: “I’m trying to register on behalf of someone else but it’s saying my email address is already in use!”
Me [internally]: “Wait, you seriously thought you could register multiple accounts with the same email?”3 -
I just can't believe how unbelievably and incredibly stupid people can be. Why is it illegal to punch people in the face after they said something stupid? Why?7
-
Go for a job as an developer. Tell them I'm not UX/UI I'm more engineer / coder... "We understand, that's what we want"... Complete the coding project.... "Sorry it's not very pretty, and a bit off on the iPhone screen..." - fuck you.1
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tldr: maintainers can be assholes
So there's this python package+cli tool that I found interesting while browsing github and thought of contributing to it. Now this repo has around 2000 issues and multiple open PRs so seemed like a good start.
So i submit 2 PRs implementing similar features on different sites (it is a scraping repo). This douche of a maintainer marks comments various errors in the code convention not being followed without specifying what they actually were. Now I had specified that i was new to this repo so and would need his help (I guess this is one of the jobs of the reviewer). This piece of shit comments changes in the pr with one or two word sentences like "again", "wtf" and occasionally psycopathic replies. That son of a bitch can't tell what's wrong like wtf dude, instead of having a long discussion over the comments section of the fucking pr why can't you just point out what exactly is wrong and I'll happily fix that shit, but no, you have to be a douche about out it and employ sarcasm. Well FUCK YOU TOO.1 -
w3schools is a fucking pain in the ass! As useful as a scrotum infection and twice as annoying. Fuck this fucking shit!
If w3schools was at least accurate, if somebody had at least put a little more effort into it than shitting out a third class MVC between picking his nose and fondling his niece a decade ago, I could at least live with w3school's existence, but EVERY FUCKING TIME, I search for a solution for a fucking frontend problem this piece of shit of a website blocks the results that are actually useful. FUCK YOU!
No wonder there are so many fucking morons in web development, as long as people mistake this cancer for useful information or best practice!
The fucking worthless ARSEHOLE who still pretends to maintain this disgusting pile of misinformation should be poked with a sharpened stick untill he bleeds to death through a thousand holes.4 -
I came upon this post on Facebook. This person (a university student) claims to have customized Linux in such a way that it can run a MacOS app!
Unfortunately, the pic of the "OS" which "he" made is nothing but Windows skinned with Rainmeter.
I commented on his Post but he blocked me and deleted my comment. Where do these type of people come from? Why do they exist?
7 -
When a gamer is also a developer:
Idiot: What kind of game is that? I only has a crap load of words!
Me: Yeah, it's called Android Studio2 -
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS!
Yesterday I had to use M$ Shitblows again(school stuff)....
It's fucking horrible.
You can't do shit in the CLI(M$ Power$hit was locked down) or with the keyboard alone.
Also, why the hell is EVERYTHING LIGHT THEMED, IT HURTS MY EYES!
THATS NOT ALL, YOU HAVE TO DOWNLOAD PROGRAMS FROM SHITTY WEBSITES, BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUCKING PACKAGE MANAGER!
OH, AND WHY DO WINDOWS HAVE TO BE FLOATING? Why should one be able to hide the other?
Also the registry is worth a whole other rant.
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER YOU WASTE OF CARBON® CERTIFIED MICROSHIT™ ENGAAAANEERS™!
Luckily I'm back on manjaro with i3wm.12 -
Some things should be prohibited! Such as trying to look smart luring geeks with PHP code. That does not do what you wanted to do in the first place. Idiots!
4 -
To people who managed to install and fully execute annoying trojans on android because they are blind or what... I'll find you and break your arms! Fuckin idiots, dammit!1
-
You say my ROM is crashing and is unstable ???
How dare you ?
I have spent 1 fucking month running it daily just to test it and its freaking stable and fast even after 1 month of hard use and lots of apps.
So sorry but i cant fix that you are fucking stupid and cant read flashing instruction properly.8 -
Trend:
The Kiki
- idiots get out of there car and dance with the door open...
Me
- Meh. Ghost riding the whip is old news.
——
New Trend:
The Kiki fail
- people get out and either fail or get betrayed.
Me: now I’m on board.
Great examples seen so far...
1. Women get out dancing, drops her bag (on purpose) in dancing. A motorcycle comes along and steals her purse.
Me: Great. I hope they get away with it too. I like the criminals more than the idiot in this case.
2. Dude gets out and starts dancing. Driver speeds up. The guy holds on to the car telling him to “STOP!”. He stops, the guy goes head first through the window of the driver (its down) and I assume right on his head.
Me: mmmmm delicious7 -
— *draws three overlapping blocks of content*
— it’s not going to shrink on small screens. Maybe we can put them in column for narrower widths?
— NO! They should overlap and I don’t care how you’ll do that!
So I stripped a responsive viewport, now the website is not responsive, but yes, we have “kewl and pwetty overwapping bwocks”, congratulations! -
working on a crappy legacy site written by an invalid. The job was to replicate an existing site for a school with the original's permission. I fix a shit ton of bugs and update the original.
For the first time ever I got a phone call from the original's owner to complain that I had fixed their site -.-
leave things broken from now on!5 -
I don't work for Walmart, but they almost put my job in jeopardy today. I have a console app in production that pushes Walmart orders from their marketplace into our system for fulfillment. For half a year, I have handled thousands of orders, but overnight, all customers were getting massive price cuts on products in the Walmart feed! I looked at the data and initially thought it was my error due to using a quotient instead of a product in the code. But upon closer inspection, some fool at Walmart had changed code on their end without telling my team! Broke all the things. Lucky we were able to pull a full stop before we lost disgusting amounts of money, but you would think that a big player like Wally would at least announce a breaking code change to their users. 😲😡1
-
When Idiots discovered "shutdown -i" and you're the poor guy without admin rights:
@echo off
:start
shutdown -a
goto start1 -
!dev
Media: Facebook is selling all your personal info to the highest bidder!
General Public: “What??? OMG!”
M: Russian elections are completely rigged!
GP: “What??? OMG!”
M: The social media platform you use to argue with your racist aunt isn’t actually a good place to get your news from!
GP: “What??? OMG! No way, I get all my news there!”
M: The sky is blue and water is wet!
GP: “What??? OMG!”
Me: You fucking idiots. Smarten the fuck up!
https://goo.gl/images/1eUBd36 -
Man I'm having coding cancer today. Working on old shit made by previous people. I'll make this example generic as it's from my workplace but..
There's a function that is called isFriend(), you would expect to return true if that is the case or false otherwise right?..
WRONG. There is a tenary statement within it that essentially translates to:
if (jobRole != "friend") return true else return false;
What the fuck.
So how does he rectify this? He flips the output everywhere he used the isFriend statement by putting '!'. No comment to indicate how he patched the fuck up (JUST FIX THE FUCKING PROBLEM YOU FUCKNUT); so when looking at this code I saw:
if (!isFriend()) { do not friend code }
He has wrote:
if (!isFriend()) { do friend code }
Thanks for wasting my time asshole.. many tidbits like this I've found..4 -
Is it "National Fucking Annoy Charon Week" this week or something?
A colleague promised a client we would have something to show them by the end of this week when they sent them an email last week and nobody thought to tell me or even mention it in passing when I've said MULTIPLE TIMES that the project is a little behind schedule.
The fuck guys?
And now "we" have to sort it.3 -
I think God is a developer. I have to say a most impressive feat, even for God, is the idiot algorithm. It has persisted through millennia of attempts to remove it, but it just keeps refining itself. While it's incredibly brief, its functions are yet to find an environment in which they cannot operate. It's full adaptable to any task, impressively modular, and self replicating.
No matter how what problem you present it with the idiot algorithm can always find a solution. It never leaves well enough alone. It can even give you an answer before everything is fully processed!4 -
f#cking idiots always saying stupid things followed by "I'm not an idiot..."
and trying to humiliate other people...2 -
Our favorite ticket system blokes are back with a big fat update for their software.
What changed?
All workflows are fucked because everything is somewhere else suddenly!
Half of the features suddenly stopped working!
Variable formats in forms have been changed from {} to [] without reason, migration or warning! Sorry, {Username} ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Half-assed features that don't work half of the time have also been added!
Fucking great!
Who beta tests this shit? Nobody?2 -
To the devs at inc.com
Fuck you.
Just resign.
Do me a favour. Don't touch any computer for life.
After reading 2 articles I need to login.
Okay fine.
Facebook login fucking doesn't work.
Twitter login worked.
But but fucking take me to some idiotic article. Hello? That was not what I logged for.
Now go back. And fuck fuck fuck
Article still says login to read this.
And click on login. Nope. Nadda. Nothing happens.
How how how. How are you even getting paid?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.3 -
Fuck..I lent someone my laptop and they returned it with a different power adapter and most of the keyboard keys don't respond when I press them. Now I can't code or do anything coz all I ever do is code, really.4
-
Back in college, we were assigned a group of 3 other students to complete a duplicate of a current popular site. My team received Kijiji, a Canadian ad listing platform similar to Craigslist/eBay. This was to be done with JSP and JavaEE. We had to create a 30 minute presentation to go along with it.
Fairly simply, except we had one week. As I worked 2 jobs at the time, I typically left my college work to the last minute. Initially, we split up the work, myself taking 50% of the code and splitting the rest between the other 3. I was perfectly okay with this, until the night of the last day, they messaged me saying they had done nothing.
Extremely annoyed, I told them to just do the fucking presentation and that I would now finish the other 50% of the code myself. I coded 16 hours straight, went to bed, woke up and coded for another 8 hours. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it covered all the points.
The day of, they showed me their presentation. It was complete trash. When we ended up presenting, I improvised the entire thing. The others didn't even speak. Not once. At the end of it, we received 65%. The professor said that if the project had been completed by one person, it would've received a perfect grade, but because there were 4 of us, he expected more. They all looked at me in fear of saying something. I just thanked the professor for his time and left.
The professor knew I did the entire thing myself. My code was by far the most consistent in his class, constantly receiving perfect marks and him asking me to assist other students.
When I graduated, I didn't have 100%, but I did have a 90%. Considering that project was worth 25% of our final marks, he definitely bumped my grade.3 -
Well Argos, you now know what bad developers + Java can bring you. An out of bounds on an empty array -.^
Good job guys. Really, well done!
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There will always be an idiot in a IT department that will ruin your Saturday, by adding a few more network restrictions for no freaking reason, breaking everything else.
-
There is a true story at my workplace.
A Linux administrator installing putty on its first day of work. On fedora Linux. Alright maybe normally using Windows. The next thing he had done was amazing.
He changed the UID in passwd file of root and pushed it to all servers......
Nobody could fix it anymore because even root didn't had rights to edit passwd. Next day he was asked not to come back3 -
Some of my co-workers are so fucking dumb. Their thought process....
Let's re-run tests that are currently failing over and over until it works
😡
like bitch....fix it then run it! don't just run shit over and over to make yourself look busy.2 -
Skype support bot is the dumbest thing ever. Plus, the new Linux Skype (8.9) crashes when you click on "search skype" aka searching for people and convos.
So, I tried to report this, and this dumb bot is literally throwing my feedback out the window. Plus they already got screenshots and sent it to themselves.
Fucking morons.
Why do I use Skype? Because where I work at, management is dumber than Skype's.5 -
I was asked a stupid question recently:
I was questioned to why I fix things.
Wtf? Why wouldn't you fix something that could be useful? Idiots
End Rant3 -
A while a go, we got a Feature Request by our client, which was a bit of a stretch. and by a bit of a stretch i mean horrible shit which is totally unusable, a technical nightmare to implement with almost no accessable data.
well, the pm gave me the Ticket. when I First read it, I wanted to puke.
since the pm wasnt in a good mood, i just wrote a large comment on where to implement that Feature to be a much less pain in the ass.
many discussions with the pm and the Client later, i Had to implement it the way, they wanted. so i started.
after one and a half week, i was almost ready, just a few hours left and the nightmare would be over
what i didnt know is that the Client came over to discuss a few things with my Boss
suddenly my Boss walks in and asked, how much im ready
then He told me THE message
i should should Revert everything ive done the last 1 1/2 weeks and implement the Feature the way, i told was better
worst friday ever -
*let's people know he can program*
>constantly gets asked to do xyz, "I'd even pay you", because idiots are too lazy to do anything on their own
😐
And it's not like they're asking for hard things, they are literally asking you to do stuff you can find on Google in 30 seconds but they are too lazy to do so2 -
Received a new HP Probook 640 G2 laptop for work, everyone else has theirs as 64bit machines. Yet the idiots who handle hardware and software installs installed windows for a 32bit machine. Well at least I get waste half a day and do nothing while they redo everything and then I have to still get shit done later.
-
Dealing with stupid questions.
I have a pretty quick temper and low tolerance level for bullshit, to put it lightly. When there is one thing I could never deal with, then it's fucking idiots asking fucking idiot questions because they're fucking idiots.1 -
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof software, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
Source: Can't remember -
People that argue that anyone who doesn't understand their one or two letters long variable names are idiots.2
-
FUCKING MOZILLA!
>Quantum
>over9999 times faster
-Ughm, okay, but what is the trick?..
-THE TRICK IS THAT NONE OF YOUR FAVORITE ADDONS WILL WORK!!!
Seriously this is fucking insane! Several of my addons which were essential for me to stay sane is gone and I don't even know how to live without them. And all this bullshit is happening because these idiots in Mozilla decided to enforce use of WebExtensions. For ones who unaware, WebExtensions is much, much poorer framework and many cool addons simply unable to work under WebExtensions because of its limitations.
Are you the one who loved the speed and joy of using mouse gestures? GUESS WHAT — IT'S GONE.
Maybe you made your browsing activity super efficient with use of the “Tab Groups” addon that used to allow you to group your browser sessions? SAY BYE-BYE TO IT!
And many more!
Most importantly, I cannot understand why would a company enforce use of a framework that will decrease functionality of a product.
Anyway, it seems like Firefox is not a browser for addon enthusiasts like me anymore; got to find a new one, any recommendations?12 -
I’m shocked, some of the hideously embarrassing questions these dim mother fucking senators have been asking Zuckerberg. Is this for real?5
-
They say only 2 things are truly limitless. The universe and human stupidity.
I disagree, the universe might have its limits , but human stupidity does not.3 -
We called a customer because that on their server a directory is missing which was important for production.
Turned out that they didn't miss a directory because they worked in the development environment of the same customer but in a different location. For the last 3 months. -
Just when i somehow accepted that Austrian part of team is naming theirs methods in Deutch, i almost got heart attack when i saw this. They're combining english with deutch, for example isOffen(), isLoeschenAllowed(), isEinsichtHinzufuegenAllowed() and so on... And most of the time these assholes even dont add javadoc, but when they do it something like: "Checks if *curentClass* is offen". Thanks a fucking ton.3
-
Recruiter
[ri-kroot-urr]
noun
1. an individual who attracts interest to a cause through evangelism and enthusiastic promotion.
2. an occupation in which knowledgeable specialists seek out qualified individuals to fill technical positions on behalf of another organization.
3. an unholy union of the worst qualities of both an ignorant cold call salesperson with those of an apathetic human resources employee. See 'chimera'. -
merged a complicated pipeline script based on 3 other scripts, and it worked the first time I run it.
Pretty sure There was a Disturbance in Force... -
Two idiots, one keyboard. The creators of this clip demonstrate a level of technical stupidity I didn't think was possible.
https://m.youtube.com/watch/...1 -
Fucking job recruiters or whoever the fuck.
If the first line on my resume is under "Objective" and it states, "To obtain a job, internship, or Co-op in the field of Networking, Cybersecurity, or Administration." You can clearly see the world sales and customer service are not in there.
If you take 5 seconds to read that or search for the words customer service or sales YOU WON'T FUCKING FIND ANYTHING.
SO WHY THE FLYING FUCK DO YOU CUMBUCKET FILLED PIECES OF SHIT KEEP OFFERING SALES AND CUSTOMER JOBS TO ME.
I even got a senior sales position before. :|
Yet I can't even get a call back from an internship that's related to what I want to do lol. Smh.2 -
Our main client asked us to create internal totalizator for upcoming soccer world cup. One of variables was to support all employees (about 10k) from Europe without performance issues, ok PHP seemed enough for this task.
So, we almost finished implementing it and had a call with the client. He told us that now we need to support all employees around the world (over 100k).
And they don’t even have a budget for it...5 -
Today was a holiday and I wanted to make a mini project for practice purpose, the generic idea was to submit form details and view the details in another file and get the said details on e-mail too.
The main purpose of this exercise was to strengthen my OOP skill.
Not two minutes and 1 text box later I get a call to reset all passwords of "friend" because it was "urgent" somehow..
Reset passwords for fuck's sake...Now I am having this idea of automating reset password job.. -
Whoo, 4 days into my new project, and a lot of mess already happening all over the place, in short, everyone in here consisted of the human population that fill up the average (and below) margin on everything (especially their IQ, seriously, by the time I finished telling this story, you'll wonder how the hell are these guys able to finish uni, not to mention working in IT)
Okay so, backstory, I was cut off from my previous project (the product was finally launched, but only a handful developers are kept to maintain & do enhancements, why wasn't I included? That's a story for another time), and I was sent to a new (shitty) project, by the order of the (shitty) manager, in the same institute, but different division, whom tries to copy paste everything the golden child (my previous project) has been doing, technology, environment, work culture, etc
And I'm faced with another react native application (let's call it project N), in which the team leader was so proudly explained to me, that it got released way earlier than my previous project (let's refer to it project X) even though X started a long time before they have any plan for N, N was passed down from a vendor to the internal devs whom has very little knowledge of react native, and I was supposed to "help" them with it
Day one, I learned a new english term for this, sinecure, nothing done on the first day, just introductions, a long boring meeting and got assigned to the project N, I did skim through the source code for a while, at a glance it looks like a student's assignment done overnight, reminds me of the first website I made, and this is supposed to be an app that handles monetary transactions,
Day 2, still no task given, due to their "end of sprint" session, 4 days of not having anything to work on, I analyzed the code further, and yep, it's rubbish,
- first, the code convention is shit, based on the git log, only 2 guys were working on this and neither of them had any standards with their coding, spaces, semicolons, indentations, everything is a mess, folder & file names and their placement too, not to mention redundancy everywhere, nothing is reusable, this is the first time I saw a react application that keeps defining & creating new components on every pages, and no documentation at all
- second is, the warnings, I was in awe with the disappearance of yellow warnings in the app since I found a bunch of yellow box errors on the debugger console, then I checked the main app.js file and lo and behold
console.disableYellowBox = true
Whoooo, a new breakthrough in software debugging, you won't find any potential bugs if you hide the warnings altogether, fuck, not even any config to diferentiate debugging & release environments (my last project had one)
Well worse is that ALL of the components doesn't have any proptype checking (prop is something like an attribute that is inherited from parent component to child component, CMIIW), and this cause for some issues that already happened a bit later,
- third, but not last, the software is buggy as hell, not to mention the flow & logic is messy as fuck, who the hell put a splash screen as it's own navigation entity,
After opening the app, splash screen is showing, then redirect to login page, and if user pressed back button while on login page, they'll be stuck on the splash screen, unable to navigate anywhere
Then, later that evening, one of the PO suddenly came to me and said something about telling him if I had any issues/concerns, given the opportunity, I immediately pointed out the problems, only to add up to my dissapointment, the conversation went like this,
Me: I do have concerns, 3 of them at the moment (explained like above but with more polite words)
PO: really? Well, us from the product team doesn't really care for cleanliness as long as it works
Me: bla blah (explaining about current & potential bugs and maintainability)
PO: like I said it's not urgent, we have more important goals to achieve
Me: blah blah (up to you, but I insist that at least consider this matter)
PO: A foreigner made this you know?
*how the fuck is that information even relevant? Fucking victim mentality
Me: So? It's still rubbish (continue explaining the current bugs)
PO: do you know how much this project has cost?
*cool, now you want to justify this farce by overpricing it?
Me: nope
PO: this much (after googling, it's around 3 years worth of average salary for senior dev in US)
*well my previous project cost almost twenty times that
Me: o...kay?
PO: bla blah (saying something like, And don't go introducing changes and new stuff too much, since you're the new guy, unless you want to be seen as a show off, you gotta mingle with the devs first and once you got in a friendlier term, then you can give your opinion)
I just nods and didn't continue the convo after that, but suddenly the PO reaffirms
PO: OKAY? (in a tone like "capische?")
Okay, I'll consider that as a warning,
To be continued... -
Ridiculous when ftp guide doesn't include anything about how to change root directory.
"All these commands and Voila! Yiu have your vsftpd server running"
ok but what is the root directory tho?2 -
I'm way past the point of being pissed now....
So there's some software (API's, mobile app + website) that I wrote to manage supplier incentive programs in a big hurry last year - which lead to a bunch of stuff being hard-coded in to launch on time. So after last years promotion was done I took down all the services etc was very fucking clear that in order to finish & deploy it to run again I would need at least around 4 months notice.
On the surface its pretty simple but it has quite a large user base and controls the distribution of enough cash & prizes to buy a small country so the setup of the incentives/access/audit trails is not something to be taken lightly.
Then once I'm done with the setup I have to hand it over to be "independently audited" by 3 of the larger corporate behemoths who's cash it distributes (if I get a reply from one in 3-4 weeks it's pretty fast).
I only happened to find out by chance an hour ago that we are apparently launching an even larger program this year - ON FUCKING MONDAY. I literally happened to over hear this on my way for a smoke - they have been planning it since last year November and not one person thought it might be kinda important to let me know because software is "magic" and appears and works based on the fucking lunar cycle. -
FUCK YOU IMBECILES.
Fucking testers said the website is too complicated because I have a check box that needs to be ticked before they proceed...
This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't due today and they'd got their arse into gear a fucking WEEK AGO2 -
When your team members don't have a fucking clue how git works and you've explained it thousands of times to them already.
6 -
Company mail today:
If only I got paid to point out the ironies, I would live well, very well indeed!
-
So I have some XSDs for integrating with a third party supplier, which I need to convert to java classes. Easy, jaxb to the rescue!
Now when it comes to checking into source control, do I either a) check in generated files (bad) , or b) check in the XSDs and have maven generate my classes each time the project is packaged using its jaxb plugin (good).
Of course the senior dev picks option a), purely because some people in charge of support may not understand maven.
Why do I have to do things the wrong way because people don't want to learn/are incompetent? Why are there people in charge of support who don't understand simple tools?3 -
So, since a few months, my school has a new shiny building,
but we are still not using it because the computers are not correctly set up.
Some idiot installed the wrong drivers for the Windows installation
and that's the reason some classes are still located in containers without a computer...3 -
TFW idiots use FFmpeg without looking at the license, and then spend two months compiling it themselves.
2 -
Recruiter rant.
Me as a fresher.
Submit your resume?
I thought you went through it before you called me down.
Yes, but I will need a copy.
Don't you have it in your inbox.
(And I was rejected.)2 -
Today Phoronix posted a short article about a (in my opinion cool) new feature I implemented in my file manager (Dolphin). Most of the feedback was positive/constructive criticism but some people attacked me personally because they don't like the feature/think "true" Linux users wouldn't use it.
I gave you something cool for free. Would you please stop bitching about it?
If you don't like it don't use it. You can even disable it if it threatens your ego as a Linux master user5 -
"Paint my rims black" - Can't be hard to understand? They deliver it like this.. asked me for a rating.. well.. #000000 ffs.
7 -
Anything that has to do with SNMP. Guys who write MIBs are either complete idiots or amazing trolls.1
-
So a client (BPOS) asks me to build a website for their client(let's call them A). So BPOS decides to 'design' the site. The design is alright but the components they want does not exist. I need to build everything custom. And the website takes a few months longer than estimated. Mainly because BPOS doesn't do any QA for 3 months. At the end of the last month as we near handoff, BPOS wakes up and starts to do QA which mainly consists of vague information like " change to gray" instead of color codes and "increase font size" instead of the actual size.
By this time A is utterly pissed off and wants to give development to someone else. They get in touch with me directly to work with after the hand off by BPOS.
It's so amusing that I need to be in a KT meeting with BPOS and A when BPOS is pushing for annual maintenance and A doesn't want to give it to them and they keep ignoring BPOS.
ALL the delays are because an "account manager" who works for BPOS went on a trip to Australia.3 -
I hate people. I show them devrant or try to abstract a problem to a everyday problem people still reply with "I don't know computers" ignorant fucks.1
-
Coworker 1 asked if there was a website where he can learn more about Formstack.
Coworker 2 said no.
Coworker 1 asked him then what about formstack itself? Is their website helpful? Do they have a help section?
Coworker 2: "Well there’s not really a websiiiiiite for help, but their main website has a page for help.”
Coworker 1: “can you send me a link?”
Coworker 2: "no. I mean I can, but I mean they don’t really have a help website, but just help on their website.”
Coworker 1: "WTF!"2 -
Help. I work with a guy who really wants to learn programming (he’s sales/support rn) and is even taking some courses on it. He seems eager enough to learn, the problem is he is just so fucking stupid I don’t know whether to encourage him or level with him.
He somehow managed to pass a course on Java (which I still don’t believe since I had to help him put his lines of code in the right order ffs), but now he’s signed up for C++ and data structures and I honestly don’t know how he’s going to do it.
This is the type of guy who loves “coding” but thinks debugging is a waste of time.
Normally I encourage anyone who wants to learn programming do so, but let’s be honest it does take a modicum of intelligence and this guy has zero common sense at all. We’re talking about a guy who sent me a *screenshot* of an Excel file that I needed to copy some activation codes from. And then had absolutely no idea what was wrong when I replied “are you fucking with me right now?”
*sigh*
And that’s not even scratching the surface. I sent him a zip file containing some updated code and walked him through how to update them on Slack (really basic, copy/replace files stuff). Then the VERY next day when I sent him a second update he asks “is there something you want me to do with this?”
The instructions were literally the last thing we talked about in the chat log.
I actually fear the stuff this guy would unleash upon the world if someone were actually able to teach him how to write a whole program.
What should I do? Right now my plan is to be vaguely supportive but secretly hope he will realize he’s in over his head and drop out before any damage is done. But my worry is he may just be SO dumb that he actually thinks he can do it. At that point I guess I just have to put my faith in his school and pray that they aren’t just giving degrees away to whoever can afford them. Because fear the day this guy ever gets a degree in programming.5 -
So there is this big shot at work who makes out to the management that he knows it all. I'm pretty quiet normally and dont let on. The manager kiss his ass daily. He was an apprentice 6 months ago. So we all in some shitty meeting today about some based web service that uses a Linux host. Then in the meeting he asked me if Linux was free? Hahahaha haha. What a fucking idiot! I mean I get that people don't know everything but that
S a whole new level of stupid! 😅🤣😅🤣 -
Woo time for a Chromebook rant against Samsung!
So they just 'revised' the Chromebook plus (Currently using v1 to write this) and I was intrigued because they ditched the Samsung made ARM chips for an intel CPU.... Buuuuuuuuuut... It's a fucking celeron... Of all fucking things to put in a half thousand dollar laptop, at least an m3 would be useful. Then I find out they are ditching the full metal body, it's heavier, thicker, same 3GB of RAM, ditching the 3:2 aspect ratio (Fucking why?!) and the 'upgraded' keyboard doesn't even have back lighting...
Ugh, makes me want a pixel book more, double the price and a million times the performance and quality -.-5 -
If I have to train one more person, or answer the same question for the 100 times I'm gonna loose it. I just want...need to code
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At work I'm surrounded by happy_looking_fucking_around_with__me_and_each_other idiots, literally. Fine I'll just work for money and experience. Jeez 🙄1
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You've developed APIs. And they're working locally.
What's the issue in giving that to the front-end team to consume them ?? ( Said in angry raised pitch )
Somebody please let that dumbfu manager know that the codebase needs to be DEPLOYED on a server somewhere. Without that, you just can't magically build code from codebase and give it to people like code fairy !2 -
So the major project of one my classmates during the college was, an eye donation app.
I don't understand why would you make an app for that! I mean like, what?
Donate one eye today and the other one next week? Like what?
It's of no use. Why would you do that?!3 -
The level of stupid is too damned high.
Friends asked me to help him fix a few bugs on a website, i have seen some interesting things in my day, but if I ever met the dev who built this site, throwing him off the empire state building would be a kindness.
For some unknown effing reason, this blithering moron thought it a good idea that the logo only appears when the users are logged in, not only that, but touching the hamburger menu button ALSO only works if logged in, at least the twat waddle could have hidden it way, but no, just makes it non-functional.
IDIOT. -
> Can you help me make this excel document more readable when it's printed? *looking to change the text size and column widths*
Who do you think I am, Mr fucking clippy? Why are you printing it anyway? Step into the millennium and email it to them you fucking nugget, save the planet.
This was after three people already approached my desk in a line, five minutes after I got in. All asking stupid questions, which not only do they have a service desk for but could quite easily Google. -
The product owner, cum our solutions architect is dumb.
It takes him ages to explain one shit.
Also, he is an expert on triggering useless chaos and panic, thanks to his innate abilities to misinterpret shit.
He thinks everything should happen at 3×10^8 m/s.3 -
Background: Got a macbook, A external HDD(2TB) of which +- 1TB was used.
Yesterday i moved all my personal projects from my work laptop to my external, to move to my macbook.
One of my clients(Freelancing) calls asking me to install new hardware, install software and fix OS(Windows 8.1).
I leave work and go directly to said client and he hands over his Lenovo S20 Touch(No CD/DVD Drive).
I install windows 10 and other software from my flash(Already on there)
Good, Everything is ready to go. I go home and finally get to sit down with my baby(MacBook)
Me: *Plugs in external*
...
nothing.
Opens Finder, can't find flashdrive
Check MacKeeper
MacKeeper: VirusDetected
Me: *Pissed*
Client calls.
Client: Hey is everything ok with the laptop, no viruses no nothing. Because everytime i insert a flashdrive it gets a virus and i have to buy a new one.
Me: I installed windows 10 on it, it should be fine with defender now.
Heart: *shattered* YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE FUCKER!!
i never knew people like this still exist1 -
I just talked to Skype support...
Skype is down for 80% of users, world wide...
It's been 5 hours already. Idiots.5 -
A guy on YouTube posted in a GraphQL tutorial about his CSS issue. He asked about why a certain background for a website that he is creating only looks good on a phone but not on his desktop. I asked him to put the code on either jsfiddle or codepen but he still put the code in the comments, only the CSS part. I kept telling him to place it on those two sites, eventually he did. I looked at the pen and guess what? The picture is a portrait one... He wants to use CSS to make it look good, I don't know how he is gonna achieve that but good luck. I am done with him, stopped commenting.3
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Dear Gfycat, why in the seven fucks do your direct links not work with lowercase letters?
https://gfycat.com/oblongobedientca... works just fine but https://giant.gfycat.com/oblongobed... crashes and burns because 3 letters in the user's name are uppercase?
Now I have to find a way to hack my way out of this bullshit in my app. Thanks, you cunts.7 -
I found myself here searching if other people are annoyed at the fact that so many JS questions are answered with jQuery, completely unprompted.
Reading the rants here has given me hope.6 -
Recently read Fish!
It's a really nice book..
Really hard to implement when you have total idiots working with you -
Working on an epic of financial gateway transfer. Following what our douche onshore guy had proposed, we realized there was a can of worms ahead.
Discussing the flow ( aka which service calls which, which file calls which ) with him over the call, we had to literally remind him the entire script of flow he had proposed.
At the end, he says, set up a call right now to discuss the ALGORITHM.
And at that moment, CLRS laughed their asses off.
Why the f--k, to coercely sound technical, does he say ALGORITHM to a FLOW of modular components ? -
So the fucking septic cleaning guys truck snagged the internet line that goes across the driveway and the took it down.... No internet till at least noon tomorrow. Fuck me! I had a personal project I really wanted to work on.6
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When a client reports a vague bug with a screenshot (pasted into a Word doc, mind you) that almost explains it and the ticket attaches an Outlook message for more context, which has the same Word doc attached and no extra information...
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I believe that I have found the worst feeling in the world.
Not when a push to production on Friday fails. But when a few of your teammates don't want to do JACK FUCKING SHIT. The worst ones are where they think you fabricated projected expenses for raspberry pies, and thus believe that you are apart of some communist conspiracy.
They also believe that cheap AWS ec2 instances are crappy for teaching some basic fucking command line and git to high schoolers!!
I feel like a need a brick handy at all times just to chuck it at a wall. -
PO: "Remember guys, protect your scope!"
.. moments later, after the PO meeting..
PO: "I want you to do user story x but I want it changed this way"
me: "Ok"
*pling* notification: PO changed jira story
*I work on it for a few hours*
me: "Is this what you wanted?"
PO: "Yeah, actually I made up my mind. I want you to implement it totally different and scrap what you added now"
me: "Thanks for wasting my time bro"
me: *codes*
.. a few hours later, mid-coding..
PO: "Uh, yeah, changed my mind. The way you did it now is ok, but I want something else added"
*3 iterations of the same crap later*
me: "Sigh, make up your minds!"5 -
So after requesting (more like begging) the guys higher up to give us proper heads up about a piece of work... They just threw the same 2 day worth of work to us saying we have 3 hours to do it... Sometimes I think they just do this kind of thing on purpose to wind us up...
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My phone is always on silent.
If you want something done, leave a message or listen to my phone message which says... Email me details and I'll sort it -
Team member takes names inputted and coverts them to slugs, works perfectly and functions extremely well.
Adds function to allow slug modifications but doesn't use regex or anything else to verify input is a real slug, application goes down over weekend and know one notices till this morning...
Always verify input both client and server side!!! -
rant!
Damn it. Actually, the work was done for today. Just now my client calls me, he needs the app today and not next week, as it was discussed.
He needs pictures for a presentation of the app in 2 hours. WTF? How can I do this ... I have not even finished the UI.
Crap.1 -
Do you ever feel that there are some guys on stack overflow who can't understand English or they don't know the solution to your problem they down vote your question?
I am talking to them don't be an asshole. You have a special place reserved for you in hell.. -
What really grinds my gears?
To teach german coders that there is no plural of the word "information", over and over and over and over again!
There is no informations. There is only bits of information or information.
Darn idiots!!!14 -
When you are surrounded by idiots... Fuckers... Leads acting like interns... No time left to do your own work... Fuck fuck fuck... How can you be so dumb to ask me how to set debug point in ANT script?
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What's worse than being underpaid for your work?
Asking you to make stupid and pointless changes to it time and again.8 -
When you have to do something as a group in class and you don't do or say anything
I just stayed in the back, maybe a bad idea...
They just did a bunch of crap, titled it "fuck bitches get riches" and put my name under it, I drew over my name, but they've been calling me leader since then, after lunch they continued with teacher, sendai, and eventually father
What a bunch of idiots -
me: "say, TL, why don't I see any debug/info/warn logs in dev/qa environments?"
TL: "Yeah, we've disabled them, the logs are too expensive (ApplicationInsights)"
thanks bro... go debug this shit yourself... -
so the deployment from my side went through ok... but a "SYSTEM" defect almost prohibited my changes from being signed off... explained it to the person responsible... and then they sign it off knowing well that it was a "SYSTEM" defect that was outside of scope...
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Working on a CS370 (Software Engineering) project with 5 people; 2 of which feel like their time is more important than everyone else's so when we all meet as a group to go over presentations, documentation and other things we need to do as a group, they silently sit alone working on bits of code they should have done previously. Then when we can't get docs done and handed in on time, one of the two decides to spam our group chat at 2am when 2 of us are sleeping because we work in the morning, one of us is sleeping because of morning classes and the last one is doing god knows what. Like, I'm sorry. But failure to do your shit on time does not constitute an emergency on my shit. All of our weekly peer reviews reflect on how no matter what we say to these two; they refuse to work as a team.
!rant, more like dev hint
In a team, your time is not more important than team time. You can do things on your time whenever you want; but unless your entire team shares your schedule, team time might be a rare commodity and should be used as such.
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