just like physics makes more sense if it's all magnets instead of gravity

humans make more sense if it's all lizard people instead of "flawed humanity" or whatever the billion unuseful narrative excuses

think people should be talking about responsibility instead of "altruism" or trying to shame people for not being selfless enough or how some selfish motivation for being selfless means it's invalid... zzzz. seems so self destructive

hmmm think I've been using chatrooms as a form of divination

TIL divination is triggers to make you realize stuff in your subconscious

I would sit in chatrooms or random forums I guess and use people as writing prompts or thinking prompts often. I was very addicted to it and I didn't know why, but it made me feel very satisfied to process stuff with my brain

kicker is I wrote a website that turned some "game icons" into tarot cards, and you press a button to draw a card randomly... I don't like tarot cards and all that nonsense (too repetitive and restrictive), but I've oddly been addicted to this little game icons website I made at some point

should get more icons... I get bored once I start recognizing them. think I only put in like 400 and maybe there's like 4000 I could've put in. maybe now there's way more on the site I got these from cuz I made this RNG site like 5 years ago

text isn't as good for this I think. maybe AI writing prompts, it just throws out random concepts? I don't know how you'd do that. making text "human impactful" seems difficult to do

ye ok so officially rust doesn't have a headless browser I can use

there is two.

one will randomly just throw errors totally randomly at you, about some event not coming back or the connection being closed. which means every single unwrap for every single "wait for this element to exist on the page" or trying to access an element is literally a blow-up minefield

the repo is filled with small issue tickets like how the docs keep pointing to 404 pages but I worked around that by just brute forcing everything with debug logging (despite data types being missing / not where they should be in return objects...)

and then there's apparently whatever selenium driver is and that has half as many stars and even worse sounding issue tickets and I already spent 6 hours writing code that took me 20 minutes to write in JavaScript like 8 months ago so I think I don't want to write another stupid headless browser script for it to be utterly useless

I guess I could just have loops and potentially caching. so if it has a mysterious event or connection error, try again! that's literally what I did with fucking reqwest. I don't even know why that nonsense is broken. I have thousands of proxy'ed network connections going and some of them randomly hang and I'm reasonably sure it's reqwest just not cleaning something up

I really wonder if rust people have brain aids. they wanted it to be safe so they just don't get safety exercises in for their brains, and do nonsense like this where they can't go from level 0 safety brain to ohno now I have to do networking and turns out that's extremely error-prone and needs brain-can-account-for-safety-9000 level and they just can't do it because no brain exercises make them all smooth and not wrinkly like everyone else gets in the skull jello by actually using the brain jello

the more I run into broken software the less embarrassed I get at the idea of software I make possibly being broken

I have like 5 things broken in a row now. I keep finding alternative ways to meet my goals but finding more things broken... because people are just releasing broken software... to basically prod

if this is the state of man I am a better herald

this fine Tuesday afternoon a teacher came to my door and gave me free drugs, totally unexpectedly

I keep meaning to buy some drugs but this isn't even the first instance of being given free drugs... my drugs are exponentially multiplying and it's frustrating me because I wanna buy specific drugs but now I have to go through all these other drugs 😩

I guess a benefit of knowing drug addicts is they keep trying to quit said drugs so keep offloading them on you... before they give in and go and buy more drugs. then try to quit again. so they give you more free drugs.

the dark age?

more like the privacy age!

when you think you're being helpful

wtf the sun doesn't burn things and cause energy

it's a damned tuning fork

also it's wild to me people think brains physically store memories... I was only precursor looking into how brains work cuz that's what AI is based on and I could tell from the math that brains situationally encode memories... and by the way it's doing it small stuff like electromagnetism would make a WORLD a difference. you cannot read a person's mind and steal their memories. it's encoded only for them. I thought that was so cool.

they were trying to decode people's dreams into images for example. silly globalists trying to crack the the natural encryption system of the universe!

are there benefits one gets from having their egos stroked? is it s gift of some kind?

wtf this is still around: https://www.hyperiums.com/

played it in like 2003

the website they cite that the were rated 9/10 on is even gone now

nuts

what if you never die

what if you're constantly, with every conscious decision, on a choose your own adventure ride

what would you choose 👀

my luck is terrible

woke up this morning to a blizzard. I love snow though. had to walk middle of the road because the sidewalks had a meter of snow. so fun. tons of people shoveling their cars, interrupts to their day and awkward problem solving (love it!), even saw some people traversing the city in snowshoes... never seen Canadians not magically clear snow instantly!

got my stuff, came home, showered, put coffee on to make, decided I was gonna do a lot of laundry and clean the place. was listening to podcasts, ate cake and coffee, went nuts cleaning the apartment. even did some impromptu gardening because my plants needed some TLC. my muscles were exhausted and it was awesome

... got a new blanket on Valentine's day from the boyfriend. well turns out it's flammable or something. messed up my drying machine. ended up messing up the laundry load and just putting up clothes to dry hanging... lame. tried to fix the blanket best I can wtf.

... but while sweeping and trying to make sure the drying machine was adequately vented out... my phone slipped out of my hoodie pocket and dropped on my toe... and cracked in half

I am in despair now, irrationally

I also feel irrational fear on the matter

the phone works perfectly fine... there's just a crack across. sensors all good, visuals all fine. but noticing the air bubble in the screen protector, the tiny crack in the correct lighting, just makes me feel like such crap

feel so cursed and like everything I touch breaks. my laptop is also broken... a screw fell off the corner. I just feel so cursed. grrrr. and I don't get the irrational fear. now the reminder on my phone screen... this phone slips out of everything, I've had it fall often, but I guess because this time it landed on my toe and not flat on the screen the weight distribution made it crack. probably next time it slips somewhere it will break entirely 😔

just irrationally in fear, grief, whyyy 😭

lol the solution to "ohno if I try this everything goes fuck" happening with everything

is to do all the everything's that make it go fuck _at the same time_

and then somehow all the problems solve themselves

life does have a sense of humour

tfw you make cake as medicine

and prescribe yourself eating cake as medicine

which now you're doomed to have a weekly schedule of baking cake

and eating it

as medicine

prescribed desserts. as medicine.

I have evidently figured out how to make cake that reduces insulin resistance lol
and it literally... is more effective if you have lots of carbs and sugar with it
therefore
the medicine
is cake

coffee coffee coffee

people saying no to good things is so weird

i'd never say no to good things

though often people will use good things to lure you and mess with you. so I got trust issues from that (and deservedly so, because it still happens and that's largely how every ecosystem functions)

but I'd never say no to good things. and somehow people say no specifically if it's a truly good thing. wild

I like that they do, also. more for me I guess. then there's no competition. it's pretty chill

it's just hard to find the actual good things instead of those bait and switch

I want to find the people that fear truly good things. I want to hear what they rejected so I can get that thing instead 😁

just put everything I've been running for months into a bash startup script and it's all ticking along nicely...

yay I never have to look at these scripts again. unless they break in workspace 10

oddly proud of myself for solving this annoyance of having to manage scripts problem. literally my brain was too damaged to be able to figure out how to not have to manually manage scripts for like a year now and that is sad because the answer is obvious as all heck but I just "didn't feel" like it "would work" like that makes any sense. just literally didn't have the brainpower to imagine myself in a future where scripts would run on their own, that's how sad it is

just in time for this coffee to give me dementia... back to the brain of a 80 year old I go...

I have seen many debates on how children are taught but rarely about what they are taught. This reminds me of my mother who used to tell Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on the door that ‘we’re Church of England’. We weren’t and our family never saw the inside of a church except for weddings and funerals (thank you God). But my mother had sorted out our official spirituality with the holding position of ‘we’re Church of England.’ In the same way, most people don’t question what is taught in schools any more than my mother thought about religion. It was like just ‘there’. We lived in England and it had a Church so ‘we’re Church of England’ was enough without delving into detail, thank you. Most people treat education just the same. It’s a school and that’s enough delving into detail, thanks very much. What goes on there? They have lessons and stuff. What lessons and stuff? Well, they’re taught what they need to know. And what’s that? Well, lessons and stuff. Phantom Self has an image of how things are, an image supplied by the program, but for the most part knows or seeks precious little detail about anything

evidently by definition happiness is hyperfocus

which makes me wonder why people attack it so much. if they see you focused... they hate on you and try to ruin it. your focus has to be on every little random thing they want instead

it's an interrupt of your consciousness

interestingly, I can multitask and hyperfocus... but a person wanting attention is different. I can even talk to multiple people at once and be gaming solo, and I handle it fine... I can be working on multiple tickets, multiple emergencies at once, and it just feels like being the conductor of an orchestra in my head. but it's like... for some reason a manager ruining your flow is somehow different. it breaks you out of that happiness hyperfocus. it interrupts everything and your mind clears itself. all the context drops. what is that?

and then you start to fear it... that it will happen. and if you don't switch it fast enough, somehow management thinks you're a bad person, and they get "issues" with you. so you have to always be on alert to drop your hyperfocus... until one day you just cease to ever go into it. you can't even enter it when you want to, because you think at any moment you'll miss someone wanting you to pay attention to them, you'll miss some random bit of information that you see out of the corner of your eye but ignore because you're in hyper focus and it isn't part of your orchestra, isn't part of your context. and then calamity strikes

if hyperfocus is happiness, then what is the interrupt? why does it exist? why can certain activities be done perfectly fine in "hyperfocus", but others cannot, and drop you out of it?

getting really tired of finding out that anything "popular" has the same damned globalist eugenics pedo cult behind it

either people can't make anything on their own or we are so fucked with everything so controlled you literally can't pop up as an entity unless you sell your soul to the literal unironic bond villains of the world first so they will let you pass through the channels

they even make alternative channels when they've tanked the reputation of their previous channels. and it's by the same damned people again, but they just lay in wait... to become popular. feeding off of the tension, pretending they're not the same entity...until it gets popular and then it becomes the same damned perverted thing via a takeover from within

how do you even escape this stupid prison

anyone of any importance has been bought. you need their cooperation to ride on their fame. so anything that gets any fame is the same damned game, again and again. it's like a creep that won't take no for an answer, comes back with a different mask like some endless remakes of Scooby-doo

do you have an innate instinct to respect authority or those with status?

where does it come from? how does it feel? how do you experience it?

why do people want to be admired?

if you want to be admired what hole does it fill?

someone called me schizo earlier today and this has been happening increasingly so I actually made an attempt to look into it

it was a Russian guy and he claimed it happens normally and I just give that vibe. ok. so go on wiki and switch schizo wiki page to Russian. the Russians have so much more nerdy wiki pages and I just love it

tldr; schizo isn't really a real thing. the correlation is life trauma and social exclusion, and you have more dopamine in the limbic (emotional wanting) part of your brain than the neocortex (thinking, planning) part of your brain and this burns out your emotions and gives you apathy but also gives you hallucinations and neocortex atrophy because no dopamine for adequate thinking

and the anglosphere says 80% genetic... but Russian wiki says if you backtest there's zero genetic correlations (and also very long tirades about how unreliable diagnosing anyone goes... also medication worsens outcomes and CBT and supportive environment cures people fine HMMM)

so basically it seems like... a lifetime of wanting things emotionally but no matter what you do you're not allowed to have them and them's the rules, malforms brains into apathy, delusional thinking, and underpowered logicking ability. so then the doublebind theory really does drive people insane... and schizophrenia doesn't really exist. there was also a curious theme of schizos being "frustrated" which tracks with this theory

idk people keep posting such non-dev things on here

oh yeah wtf, they do insulin comatose therapy? it actually works also. the Russian wiki says it doesn't but apparently if you apply insulin to the brain the limbic system that has high dopamine in schizophrenia has a reduction of dopamine... because the recycling neurons in that area will start recycling the dopamine fast if you give them insulin. so it would literally work. I don't know about pumping someone so much full of insulin that they go into a coma though. i've never even heard of that. BUT SO COOL

... also there was a quote on there about how neurologically they can't tell the difference between depressed brains and schizophrenic brains lol

people fight over credit for progress instead of doing the progress

pretty funny that the one thing the indecisive man is certain of is that your decisiveness is an affront to his existence

uhhh wtf i've slept 9 solid hours

this hasn't happened to me in like 6 years

I may have found the perfect drug cocktail for my brain inflammation, which incidentally works for my lifelong curse of insomnia I guess

my pupils are back to being big when I get these drugs right and I am so not used to being assaulted by my brain at all times. that's how my life used to be before I got sick. it's like smart person syndrome. I cease to see the actual world and just see 95% the associations of it in front of me... honestly I kind of liked seeing the actual physical world. isn't that strange? I always felt very weird, and like I was ADHD. problem is I think by hallucinating / through high imagination so I can't see what's in front of me and sort of "get lost" lol

and the other day I rejected someone because all my brain context loaded up some other activity so I didn't want to switch to their activity. that used to happen to me before my brain got empty. I feel so mean when I do that

how do I drive this thing

I keep thinking back to that drill thing that the Americans believe in

"if you wait to feel to do it you'll never do it"

and I was curious about that advice. maybe it's right. but now that I'm sick and have brain issues I know that there's no point in doing anything unless you have your health. everything I spent years nerding out about just fell out of my brain. your health is the multiplier to everything else. the bedrock that makes everything else possible. everything you learn is only maintained if you're healthy, and you lose it all if that health ever fails you. what happened to me

and low-mood is often the symptom of brain issues cropping in; inflammation, a failing immune system. so I think I should've taken note of that instead of powering through things not thinking twice about it

python libraries don't belong in Linux

idk where this stupid python-futures library came from but it just broke all the stupid python-only libraries I got. unfortunately no alternatives to them. evidently if I just remove python-futures and reinstall everything it broke it all works. bruh please

God I hate python

it's also very inefficient and these libraries take up so much CPU for no reason. they don't even do much but idle too high. python. not even once.

if human ingenuity is what gives humans value

and you get sick with dementia and can't think anymore

do you, as a human, have any value anymore?