sooo... haldol and whatever anti psychotics reduce dopamine sensitivity (cuz high dopamine gives mania, then psychosis)

and a consequence of this is what they call "restlessness". I didn't feel it at first. but now I keep feeling PURE SUFFERING. and it makes me wanna run at walls or something just to make it shut up. the guy mentioned it offhandedly... and it's the one thing they said would go away but not all the other symptoms which did go away... well this one appears to be getting worse over time. at first it was mild but now I get ridiculous bouts. I can't even focus on anything now. I'm just in pure pain. the fuck man. weigh like a ton of bricks. wtf. why. jesus

annoyingly it comes on in the evening, milder, when I try to sleep. also happens when I try to sit and do something. again, milder. right now my whole body screams instead. is this gonna be for hours. bruh. what the fuck honestly. and it's not timed to the pill I'm eating, so why the fuck does it come on and off fucking randomly. sometimes far worse than other times. grrrrrrr. God just what the fuck man. pure suffering

how 2 make chocolate into a healthy food

sigh I miss it. bad stuff happens if I eat it. so sad

if you think the texts I write is crazy, the code I plan to write rn is seeming crazier now. before I would just chuckle to myself about it but now I'm actually thinking on it and I write some craaaaazy shit. shocking reveal, I know. crazy shit is the good shit tho

yay brain existing so I can actually do crazy things again. guizz eat liver. vitamin A from animal sources is literally known as the anti inflammatory vitamin... except nobody would tell you that because it's worse than Luigi. Luigi is literally peanuts. there was an event recently with a higher death count than the Holocaust but nobody batted an eye! with more ethics violations than the damned Nuremberg (speaking of we just hired the Nazis to do dark science for the west and only charged the low level lackeys to have some nice public relations of looking like we were against Nazism but I digress)

unfortunately we pick up everything that was ever done to us

which now means I can do it to anybody, anything I want 😏

just say no to heat

heat cannot enter your home if you say no

ARE YOU SAYING NO PROPERLY?!

so beware of people hypnotizing you. seems there's hypno viruses. no joke

sigh

psychology, not even once

Moroccan hot sauce, my maaannn

argghh no auto format standards on JavaScript

also though libraries breaking for no reason because no types _I guess_

well seems my physical body rejected my astral self and then shit went fuck

guiizz emotions are important. as is that little voice in your head that they call the conscience. if it goes away turns out you feel lonely, and then you only have base "human" emotions of survival, and walk around like a retard with physical health problems no gold-plated health diet will ever save you from (even past getting thru all the misinformation in institutions which are paid by big soy and corn and petroleum and chemical industries). wild how consistent all this is oh my god

I haven't coded in so long I'm actually starting to miss it

I wish dev work was about the tech, the logic, the architecture

but annoyingly it's always about people

think by this rate I'm just hallucinating trauma

I don't understand how you can feel nothing one moment then discover you have feelings... and then once you're done feeling those feelings do they just up and go away or is that me suppressing them?

I'm reasonably sure I'm actually default not a pussy though... now I'm just walking around as if forcing myself to perceive things like they're hurtful when they're not, and only a double take made me realize "wait, no..."

this is all very confusing

I think it was just unexpected that I had cared about anything and sort of didn't do my due diligence

and TF is "energy" psychologically speaking even. I think if yours is low you end up being paranoid and taking everything as pain. that's terribly confusing to me. so that's it, you gain more energy and then you're just good to go again? you can go walk through things and laugh again?

how does any of it make sense!

... NVM former roommate just texted subterfuge shit and I have lost 1/3rd of my energy -.-
guess I'll just keep waterboarding until I stabilize

upside though, seems I got too freaked out at certain notions and even TV shows and movies and songs. but I think the level I was at a moment ago I could've enjoyed them again without freaking out. something to look forward to I guess, ragh 😩

I've looked up so many woo-woo topics whenever my adblock blips now I'm getting creepy schizo ads like "if your body changes color in the sun you're not just human," pls did I fucking ask

it's pretty funny that the same people that defend brainwashing and advertising are the same ones who hate the human race and think all humans are gross and get all nihilistic and misanthropic

don't like y'all's stream of consciousness ngl. stop perpetuating it maybe

it annoys me we can't feng shui our tech

we started with the ability to but over time corporate overlords tell you how all your GUI looks and now there's ads on windows start menus

granted I just want feng shui on my android -- but android is a disaster now. and I miss WebOS gestures that nobody ever reproduced

I also still want custom chat apps. like you css your own and it's just a chat protocol. but we re-inventing email here I suppose

nearly a year in from my roommate moving out I finally threw out half the random crap he left that I stored in the "master" room (some of which was mine he just took it as his own and totalled it so bad) and moved some furniture around into that room and the living room

urgh no clue how to clean the walls but at least I moved my ass. I need aesthetic and art

I was over at his new place. he has a new roommate. the new roommate's ex girlfriend came over and she's been helping me with stuff. well I was freaking out and before we left I told former roomie that what he did was fucked up, and somehow this time it felt different to say it. so maybe now I'm free of that nonsense. been a long time. and nobody stopped me from saying it either this time... actually I started it by saying that. talk about fucked up, man. a family where you're not allowed to say jack shit. he thought I was an orphan that needed a family and adopted me. you know what he then did? decided to orphan me. I'm estranged from my own family by choice. this guy offered me (quite ecstatically) his and when I had words he kicked me out. I mean on top of other stuff. just so much honestly

this started AS A HAPPY RANT BUT NOW IM JUST RECALLING MEMORIES

soul retrieval, guiuzzz. mine appeared to have shattered. stressful ngl

welcome back, folks

@SidTheITGuy yeah I concur that was like laughable projection. come on you know better. you said you were self-aware toxic person. didn't someone compliment you before so you could accept that self-identity? didya get lazy? not enough ego feed to jump over the cinder block?

don't mean to defend atheist tho 😁. don't poke sid. you probably would want to though 😏

so weird having discussions like this. HOW AM I MEANT TO GET MY SOCIALIZATION HUNGER FED GODDAMNIT

I got a song called "this causes consciousness to fracture"

then I went and found "real" vampires and a dude on anti psychotics accidentally hypnotized me cuz he's so messed up. think his consciousness got fractured long ago and he doesn't even know it, and now he's like a perpetual motion machine

then I listened to that song again and by God that did not feel good LMAO. ended up not getting to the end because I suddenly couldn't handle it

humans know so little. it's kind of cool. it's great to know we'll never get bored. somehow that's always my greatest fear. so easy to get to the end of modern sciences and human knowledge when you take into account how long a life is. if it was the end it would feel... so empty?

I'm currently a reiki slut

now I can't make little snippy lines at people's posts

they're not meant to be big enough to be their own post 😩

for coordination there's always https://snek.molodetz.nl/web.html

so plugging it now

we were in space. we failed our mission in this rust bucket of a ship. we were the last of humanity. surprised the thing was holding the oxygen in from space at all. we didn't even have power for lights inside the rust bucket

and there was this thing... we did something to it but it failed, we needed it for some mission but our plan went wrong... and we had 2-3 hours of oxygen left. it was impaled on a rusty sharp section of a half broken wall. right down the middle. of its mangled human body if you could call it that. it had melting skin, dripping blood and melting cartilage. in this rust bucket, of high heat and humidity, and you could smell its melting flesh like you bit your own lip and singed it somehow at the same time. like burnt meat, cartilage on the BBQ but with fresh irony blood, the taste of the flesh of your lip. and it noticed me and started tearing itself along the rusty wall segment that was serrated... moving fast and terrifying. it was hungry. it was angry. it had nothing else on its mind, and no possibility of anything else. livid

can't even enjoy suffocating to death for 2-3 hours in peace

one thing to have dreams of dying but come on. can't even die in peace now!

geez so one doc says it isn't multiple sclerosis and the other one says yes and his whole practice just keeps hinting drugs, ignores half my symptoms and questions after gaining my trust (again like the previous neuro), and keeps insisting on me signing a consent form to basically epi-pens that have to be personally delivered to my house every month due to "refrigeration" for the rest of my life and then tries to fear monger me and tells me the brain scars never fade

completely dismissed a lot of things that didn't fit his diagnosis and ofc when I mentioned oh wait the COVID vaccine made me numb that was the ONE and only time he heard me mention numbness and he didn't start nodding his head to it being multiple sclerosis. oh so my immune system can attack my nerves but it can never have anything to do with a product that is meant to increase your immunity, yet you want to inject me with immune destroying shit that will make me immunocompromised as a "cure"?

people are so disappointing

they have like 30 tests they did on me and all their results. and they took even more blood and didn't explain why. I was in there 2 hours going over all the events with the interim chick who seemed human but her boss doctor is not. guess I'm figuring out how to get all my test results, since I saw them for the first time in years on her fucking computer screen and I can actually use that data

this guy has the gall to keep telling me I was reading blogs when I mentioned I did research when the doctors kept dismissing me 3 years ago... and little snips like "supplements don't work" alongside shit like "let me prescribe you vitamin d" to which I was confused because he literally just asked me if I take vitamin d and I said I took some during the winter but stopped... so I clearly still have it. they sell them in bottles of 360 pills here come on. and he throws in "vitamin d is actually studied to be efficacious". yeah so is a lot of stuff I read about and tried and it did work. I had to actually fight him to just be allowed to use the vitamin d I already have at home ???

I only ended up in the hospital recently due to the trauma and not the nerve issues. cuz I could have emotions without shaking violently so all my emotions from the trauma undergone by his comrades and my friends abandoning me is just re-arranging itself through the 5 brain lesions now and my 2/10 death scale. these fear mongering hacks at least finally told me how many lesions and nicely decided to give me a "death scale" to upsell their drugs

so they wanna give you fake antibodies to kill your b cells so bam no immune system. ok why can't you just fix my b cells instead, re classify them? he's like making a face and I'm like "oh right sorry you probably spent your whole life trying to solve this" since he's literally the expert on multiple sclerosis in one of the most renouned universities in the world and got PhD beside his name... I don't wanna be insulting. then he looks disapprovingly at me and says "maybe in a decade or two". how much you wanna bet it's trivial?

I fucking want my fucking tests. they mentioned high igg (amongst themselves ofc, not to me). but not what igg it is. igg4 is tolerance igg... and COVID vaccine injured people all have high igg4. is it fucking igg4? does he even know how iggs work? his neurologist colleague said I had no antibodies for MS. so why do I have high igg if I have no antibodies for my own neurons?

these fucking hacks. I can't with this medical field.

and he has the gall to tell me to sign consent forums to get the meds now and tried this damnedest to fearmonger me. "this company" he points on the paper like that somehow matters. this is Canada why the shit would I give a shit which company it fucking is, all healthcare is free? even the fucking lead specialist in his field is just shilling for pharma. cure it or eat shit. claims lesions don't go away. oh you wanna bet? if you let me see my MRIs I'll find a way. guy totally ignored how that EEG helped me. in theory it shouldn't help anyone but it helped my nerves turn back on immensely. I mentioned it 4 times. are you not interested? are you not a PhD holder or just a prop? what a useless hack seriously

his interim was nice though. she heard me cry for 2 hours lmao. I apologized and she said it's fine and normal. apparently MS people have trauma a lot. well yeah you have your nerves scream a banshee scream and then everyone leave and insult you, all the while you can't think your way out of a paper bag and cease being able to walk randomly and all the other random nonsense

humans perpetuate to disgust me

TIL empathy I've always had is auras

I am an idiot

ok time for a crazy story

so I've been sick 3 years. when I got sick I went to the hospital and I couldn't explain to the doctor what my issue was in a way he would understand. I hadn't slept in 2 weeks and couldn't, and it had all started with a weird headache (which was neither a migraine because I had those before, and my BF thought maybe it was a stroke but the doctor said no it was a migraine even tho migraines do not feel like that). one of the things the doctor couldn't seem to comprehend is how I said I didn't have "space" in my head anymore. he just totally ignored that. I kept coming back to the hospital and trying to all the different people. I was confused, exhausted, had to keep pacing or i felt myself fading out, felt my "consciousness" nearly going "lights out" all the time (like a shade was being closed on my eyes). had weird electrolyte misbalance issues which made me pee out a lot of water and then the consciousness lights out feeling would modulate. my resting heart rate was 110 whereas before I couldn't even get it over 80 exercising lol, not to mention I always had conscious control over it and yet here I didn't -- nurses tried to get me to meditate and it wouldn't work! I also had to say all my thoughts out loud and couldn't think in my own head. my whole world became "flat". prior to this I thought in spatialness -- I could generate and simulate 3d+ dimensions in my head, like dreamscapes, I could simulate visuals, textures, sounds, smells, even turns out mix foods I've had or invent totally new tastes from aspects of foods I knew existed. apparently not everyone can do this (I didn't know at the time). I also could simulate empathy in there and other more complex stuff. I lost all that. strangely I couldn't empathy feel IRL people's emotions anymore either (which was always trivial for me before, it was harder for me not to). nor could I understand what they were saying to me anymore. I could see them LITERALLY say it but I couldn't understand. it was weird. I didn't know it at the time and it only occurred to me weeks later that I was "alone" (disconnected I just realized). I have NEVER felt alone in my life before. now I understand

about 9 months ago I started getting my intuition back. so I can ask in my head for advice and a voice will aswer or sensate nudge me in a direction. this inspired me to look into witches, since I was sick and witches do herbs and stuff. why not. everybody kept saying psychosomatic. well magic-type shit is psychosomatic, clearly? if it works it works. I ain't gonna question it

I started practicing it and etc but didn't really get it. but now I am understanding so much

so the whole reason why that doctor didn't understand is because all of those abilities come from the soul... my whole life I've been empathetic and mind-reading. I can even read someone's intentions and thoughts from their texts. and this isn't like projection-stuff (though now I understand better how that works also... which I never could before. I studied psychology for a bit after a bad job situation but projection had never made sense to me)

you can hear words and not see the mental images associated with them. this means you're disconnected from your mental plane, ignoring it, maybe because it's fucked up which was the case with me. I have absolutely no clue what the fuck rammed me. but I've been meditating and fixing my soul-realms (etheric, astral, mental... and I regained access to the casual! now I understand why people acted confused when I could tell the future! cuz they can't hear the casual realm yet!)

and I was looking into reiki healing. everybody seems to have the opinion that you could just send "healing energy". while true this is immensely exhausting. apparently reiki is literally "rei" the god-consciousness of life (like spanky) moves "ki" which is energy. so you connect to rei, figure it out, and suddenly you can channel rei... sounds cool

as I was listening to a chick describe reiki and reiki concerns... I fucking figured out how empathy works. and why my life's been fucked. d'oh. this magic shit solves everything

can't believe leetcode is here around to stay lol

the omniverse is a pretty and magical place. magnificent. nothing better

or whatever we wanna call it

why is it a cube lmao
or tesseract. whatever
WHAT ARE THESE MYSTERIES

so everyone seems to get brainwashed already and doesn't mind it

does it mean humans consent to brainwashing implicitly? 🤔

humanity, do I have your consent to brainwash you? 😁

why else would you let other things brainwash you? 🤔

> Cynics and pessimists are a quite similar breed, however. Some animals, when cornered, fight to the death. Other animals roll over, resigned to their fate. The cynic, early in life, does not get the answers he wishes. The pessimist, too, realizes that the life he wants will not be handed to him. Both find themselves too weak or too cowardly to press on, despite these initial setbacks, and they then play the next logical role: that of the perpetual naysayer. This way nothing can hurt them. They know nothing, so their knowledge is safe and secure from refutation. They want nothing, therefore their desire is never thwarted. They hate nothing, and therefore can never be attacked and overpowered by an enemy. They love nothing, and are thus never in fear of losing their beloved, losing hope. So afraid of life, they cease living, and derive their power from the blanket criticism of all things – and yet they do not die, do they? They continue to eat and breathe, a hero and sage in their own minds. They are like a child who quits a game of checkers after losing the first two pieces. The only reason I write of them here and now is because I have this tendency in myself and am sympathetic to it, though I have no patience for it. There is room for these people in life, perhaps, but not in magic. Cynics never question their cynicism and pessimists never sour of their ennui. They are best left to their mud pond – at least when they look in the muddy pool, the reflection is somewhat undistorted. You need not worry about these things, however. You have a sky to see – blue changing into black.

> What is your mind and where is your memory? You cannot take your finger and point to where these are. Our best scientists cannot tell us, but we know they exist. Memories do not exist in the physical brain. Any part of the brain can be removed without removing any memories. Half the brain can be removed without losing any memories in an operation called a hemispherectomy. People who have this operation before they have completed puberty will recover with only a slight limp. There is no impairment of short-term or long-term memory. So where are the memories stored?

... I mean it also doesn't make mathematical / physical sense

apparently there's benevolent lizards and they actually have decent "reprogramming self" advice. like immunity to being eaten by the malevolent lizards which feed off fear and apparently anger (though they never fed on my anger... so I took why my anger can never be fed on and added it to the fear and now I can feel fear without getting pulled)

but really I don't know what's wrong with me. there's something in there that's just violently lashing out at everything like a cornered animal. and I don't even know why it's triggering. I don't think I existed with this before I had gotten sick. it's like sharp claws in a fuzzy ball like how one would imagine cats being just rapid razorblades. so fast and vicious

and even past that it's like. how do you even trust random aliens in the universe. humans are so shitty so why would they be any better? do they all parrot repeatedly what their authority figures tell them, also? do they manipulate each other? my dogma or eat shit kind of attitude? you do what they want or they try to outsmart you, domineer you?

I talked to the angels and they felt authoritarian. I don't know if that was something telling me that or they really are that way. and the demons trick you. at least I can respect that. maybe I'm just traveling on the wrong stream

met a guy irl and he was like, "nooo, my brother comes to visit us to see us?!". I was so confused. he doesn't use you? he just likes you? and here my last HR from a company, when my boss was abusing me and I conceptualized it as her not liking me, went at me for mentioning that I conceptualized it as her not liking me as if if anybody wants to be liked it should be shameful (I wasn't even saying that I wanted it... it was just fact to me, it was the literal diagnostic problem). she told me it's not about being liked. like it's somehow shameful to want to have a good atmosphere, to have a reason to have a cooperative atmosphere... and I don't actually know if everyone prior to this incident was using me the whole time and I just didn't notice it. since all those relations did eventually fall through for one reason or another -- either I left cuz they wanted to force something too hard, or they left because I refused to do what they wanted or wasn't "as they already wanted"

sigh