Urghhhhh I don't want to study anymore 😭😭😭

Mind you, me getting residency permit depends on this exam. And everyone keeps telling me it's easy, but I'm still stuck and my brain draws blanks so often. 😭😭😭

I can't focus during the day, I don't have enough energy to do chores in the evening, I can't sleep during the night, and I can't wake up on time in the morning.

It seems like a curse that keeps getting worse.

I hate my job enough that even thinking about a meeting with my boss gives me stomachaches and a dizzy head. I hate to admit this, because not only did I use to love my job, I also need to stick it out for a few more months because of immigration purposes. Fuuuuck.

The past few days I didn't drink much water. So today I am dehydrated and focus is basically non-existent.

Downed three glasses of water and one sugary drink, still can't understand what's happening around me. Gah!

In the meantime, trying to understand math papers. This is fun! **says while head is spinning and has a slight fever**

I'mma go home and sleep. 🛌

https://theverge.com/2024/9/...

Meta's CEO can really go fuck himself! The way social media works has altered so much of adult brain, let alone teenager's mental health. 😒 Which planet is this fuckface living on?

Useless meetings 🙄😮‍💨

You wanna know what my problem with chatgpt is? It's that it cannot form a FUCKING OPINION.

I have a few guesses on how that can be sorted, but peeps who are already afraid of AI will freak the fuck out when it starts saying "in my opinion..." LOL.

Also, did they ban the thing from making predictions? Like, simple probability. It can't do. 🫤

"When my father passed away, he left me with a substantial inheritance that I used to ... " become an utter moron and buy crypto and then lo and behold, lose it all cuz daddy failed to raise me proper. 😐

There. I fixed the last scammer's prompt.

To me, Bayesian statistics make perfect sense in theory but no sense in practice simultaneously. 😐

What's up with all these Bitcoin recovery scammers today? 🧐

Got an exam coming up and no motivation. So tell me something that'd motivate me to study. Thank you! 🥰

There's a group of people at my work who have mean girls syndrome.

They think they're cool, but they're actually pretty lame. I'm loving it whenever a junior comes to me because they're fed up with these morons.

Don't get me wrong, I can't do fuckall, but I love to sit and watch the world burn. Hell, I'm waiting for end of contract to get away from this hellhole of a job, this shitty small town and its close-minded people.

Can you suggest discord servers to me?
Particularly ones with active voice chats and nice nerds.

(I need new distraction while i study/work 👀)

As someone who works in AI and actually bothers with cognitive models, general intelligence, theory of mind and such shit, I find the current state of the field laughable. I don't get why people panic about AI. Like, yeah it's gonna take us a while to adopt and regulate, but... it's just not there, and nowhere even near there, yet.

... Unless we're comparing AI to moronic idiotic mofos such as my neighbors. But let's not do... that. 😒 Let's just not.

1. I have to learn German (as a language).
2. I have undiagnosed and subclinical ADHD.
3. I have a job that partially needs my brain for 9 hours of the day.
4. I'm coming off of antidepressants. (Life has been hard lately. Needed a little help to cope.)
5. I need to finish learning German in about 2-3 months.
6. I don't enjoy interacting with people.

Any suggestions for what can help with the goal? Software, web apps, services, etc. Specially good non-violent and non-depressing tv-series.

Lost my auntie to a very long cancer battle.

There is a long list of people that I would've rather died than her.

Why don't workplaces have a category of leave for "literally dying inside"?

I haven't been productive since the bs. (Refer to previous rant) And one deadline is approaching very fast.

My Christmas was ruined because I was anxious/annoyed/everything negative about the bs as well as being alone and stuck in a village. My new year has always been crap but this year it was extra crap.

Overall, I'm having none of the fun. My life is starting to feel like a deadend. I feel like I have to give up on my dreams to survive. And that no one is really on my side, despite whatever they say.

The ADHD rejection sensitivity is also heavily activated. Like I know that realistically I can fix this, but at this point I just want to break everything and let the ship sink.

I have lost time that I could be productive to this bs. And I wish nothing but misery for all those responsible for putting me in this situation. (I take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for how others behaved towards me)

My ass of a supervisor threw yet another bomb my way.

He basically said I would fire you if I could, but I don't have a valid reason, however I will not give a good grade for your dissertation because you don't do exactly what I told you. (not exact words, that was just the gist)

So I need to start looking for a new supervisor and a new department. He is not letting or helping me grow. I can't be under this fucking much stress, do this much fucking work and stay sane.

Gonna go cry now. Bye.

Fuck these grippers! I can't get a reliable force feedback from these mofos!! 😫😫😫

Follow up on yesterday's rant: by the end of today I had version "stupid" running. Now off to making it smart.

... and I'm really feeling burnt out. Smoked a crapton to get my brain working. Now wishing there was someone I could call or talk to, just so I could feel normalcy. Just so I could feel like I'm not spending my days fighting a battle. Cuddles would be nice too. (it's not that there's no one, there's just no one without a baggage or string or expectations or limits or idk)

Also, part of the robot arm is breaking apart and I have to make sure shit doesn't go haywire when we repair it tomorrow. 😑

I love what I do but damn it burns my brain to crisps.

So, today this robot really didn't want to move how I want it to move. 😒

Tomorrow, again, I guess.

Smh.

*sobs in robot voice*

To get a PhD in three years. Half way in, absolutely unrealistic but that's a hill I'm willing to die on! ⚔️

"Reviewer 2 is always a bitch"

Aaaaaaaand I'm looking at gloomy reviews which means my paper is gonna get rejected soon. Why oh god why!

(Actually, I know why, and maybe this is for the best, since I pulled the method out of my arse because I found out environments were unstable and had to nag about it to not fully lose a year's worth of investigative work. But also, this is my first conference rejection. Literally. 😐)

... There's a slight chance one of the reviews might save me tho, so keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, pleaeaeaeaeaeaeaaeaease! 🙏🏻

I wrote a scientific paper of six and a half pages.

This man wrote 60 comments on it.

I admire the dedication. 😐

Fuck virtual reality environments and their inaccurate physics. 😑😑😑

Starting a new project, and learning to work with a new robot. But I'm living in a state of anxiety, so I'm also in a state of mental paralysis rn. Why do I ruin the best things I get in life by just being an anxious mess? 😑

Repeat/repost:

Unfortunately I do not own a drop of what is conventionally known as confidence or ego. It applies to everything; work, skills, relationships, friendships, you name it. I can estimate my chances of succeeding, and sometimes be pretend-delulu for a purpose (you gotta admit, sometimes showmanship is the biggest asset) but I don't understand confidence. In my opinion, it's just a gross overestimation of one's chances.

So this project/paper thing, I feel like I'm blind and running in the forest. I am not counting on my boss, nor am I counting on anyone in the dept to give me clarity or decent feedback. ("Cutting edge" research issues. Not anybody's fault.)

And I guess, in the worst case scenario the paper will be rejected, which would be a setback but not a full failure.

... Actually, that's not the worst case. The worst case would be someone running a peer review and finding that I made a tiny mistake and all my results are bullshit. 🤦

... Anxiety is eating me alive rn. 🤢

I hate nothing as much as I hate endings. I'll go to lengths to avoid putting an end to anything.

So I'm super anxious these days trying to put an end to a project I've been working on for a long-ish while. 😐

Literally I rather having nerve diseases and be in pain 24/7 than submitting it.

Kill me plz. 😫

I have realized that I'm getting nowhere with my boss with my current attitude.

I want to change strategy, but I find it very hard to bite down my tongue and give up on being logical or the attitude of "be competent, do a good job, or gtfo of my way". Like, it's not my place to fix all the issues, neither am I perfect.

I'm not looking for methods of manipulating him, rather I want to change my own perspective and mindset to something that doesn't make me suffer. At least regarding this one person.

!dev

I gained 20+ kilos during covid.

By now I have lost about 19 of those. And no, I didn't do any specific sports or diet. I lost them via ✨anxiety✨.

And yes, I am naturally skinny.

I still have a good 20 to lose to be back at my ""usual"" weight tho. ✌️ (Gained those thanks to depression, hormonal disorder, and related meds)