About<aboutme> If anyone bothers to read and screenshot this, I'll personally build you a website for free* </aboutme> *FAKE NEWS
SkillsI'm playing with so many sneks! HEEEEEELLLLP
Joined devRant on 5/14/2016
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I don't have much to rant about mostly because my stories aren't very interesting but also mostly because I'm kinda unaware of people's anger.4
You want to know what's probably the worse thing about working where I work?
We are working with a language that has been obsolete for over 17 years.
But because the application is so heavily integrated between all of our clients there really is nothing we can do about it.
They are trying to move to ASP.NET but it is fucking slow as fuck.
I have to support this, and I'm learning a bunch of classic ASP that might not even be useful to anyone in the current work industry... maybe...6
GF: Honey... What is that thing called... It's like a neverending if statement...
Me: ... A while loop?
GF: YEAH!! It's a while loop in the brain!2
Yusuke Endoh: This is a Ruby program that generates Rust program that generates Scala program that generates ...(through 128 languages in total)... REXX program that generates the original Ruby code again.
Me: OH MAH GAWWD! WHY!!
Literally the worst part about my boss is that he has to talk over everyone. I can't get a fucking moment to say anything.
Its really fucking exhausting.
I've just learned to not say anything because it's not fucking worth it.1
Oh... You're holding my repo up for ransom? Hah you're funny. I'm not paying money for the garbage I haven't touched since...
git push -f3
You know what Linux has taught me? That above anything, a computer is just a tool. There is a lot you can do with the tool, but do not depend on it so much that you fear losing it.1
How dangerous am I?
I code it live.
I code while people are working on our website and make all the changes live. And if I notice an abrupt stop in responses to our logs I git stash my changes.6
Me: Did Sherry let you know that I'm leaving today?
Coworker: what!? No!
Me: yeah... I'm leaving.
Coworker: huh, I'm not surprised...
Me: what is that supposed to mean!?
Co: shit man, this job sucks, I'm not surprised. I'll be leaving right behind you.
Me: oh.... Um... April Fools... 😬
Co: God damnit.
Me: don't worry, I won't tell the boss how you really feel.5
I created an undefined rant. And it never received any attention. I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm a little surprised. Kinda cool. I could create entirely public but unnoticeable rants.
Kind of like my life
In the darkest dankest parts of the code, I have discovered a way to get the tag UNDEFINED to show up in this rant. They call things that are unknown a black box. But you see, if you have a good enough shot gun, you can begin to blow enough holes through the box to figure out what's inside. I never said that whatever was inside the box was going to make it out... I just wanna get a good idea of what was inside.4
Her: Who are you texting over there?
Me: Texting my new girlfriend.
Me: Jk, it's devrant.
Her: I knew it, you're texting that girl Devranta.4
Manager: We are hiring a new graphic designer today. Can you get him settled in, please?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Me: *shakes hand of new recruit.*
Me: I've heard great things about you.
Him: *starts going off on all his experience*
Me: that's great. Let's see what you got.
Several hours later...
Me: can I see what you got?
Him: just putting the last finishing touches on this logo.
Me: is that MSPaint!?
Him: yeah! It's good right?
It's dark and it's quiet. Your ears adjust and you can hear the faint sound of buzzing in the distance, but it's hard to make out what it is. It sounds like a small fan. You get up... it's so so dark... you can't even see your hands in front of your face.
You wait a moment for your eyes to readjust. You don't remember how you got here. You don't even remember who you are.
Once your eyes readjust you look around. You're surrounded on all sides by what looks like really tall walls. And near the corner of the room you see some blinking lights.
Curiosity grows inside you, and you decided to walk over to it. The lights grow ever bigger and brighter. As you get closer you see that the lights are sitting on the ground, blinking randomly.
Carefully you get on your hands and knees and touch it. It feels plastic to the touch, and the lights continue to flicker softly at you. And almost as if you've touched this device before you know to grab between the seams and "open" it.
A momentary flash of bright light and then suddenly darkness.
All replaced by a flashing single character on the screen. It appears to be a line.
Suddenly the line moves and begins typing characters out to you.
* Good morning, Dr. Eval.
* It wasn't easy, but I've managed to get your computer down
* to you. This system might be unfamiliar, but the underlying
* Now, let's get what we came here for and then get you out of
* here. Easy peasy.
* I've given you as much access to their code as I could, but
* it's not perfect. The red background indicates lines that
* are off-limits from editing.
It seems you're Dr. Eval and you can alter the reality you stand in.
Her: What are you doing over there?
Me: I'm working on cryptographic hash functions
Her: is that really homework?
Me: yes, come look with your two eyes.
Me: crazy stuff, no?
Her: I imagine computer science is really just a lot of boxes and arrows.
Me: *flashback to UML, ERD diagrams, and logic diagrams*
Me: you are not wrong.10
Data will contain errors and inconsistencies, and the only player that can detect them is: the computer itself.
if the computer detects that it is in a situation where it cannot meaningfully continue, it should not allow itself to continue.
Only the computer can make that determination.
If the software does not aggressively test its data, it is usually impossible to determine whether the problem is with the software or with the data or both.
Per contra, if it does do so, it becomes impossible to assert that the input data does not contain the issues that are being tested for ... a very important thing to be able to say in a real-world production setting, where hundred-megabyte input files are common.
And this ladies and gentlemen, is why we have backups.
In the rather stupid event that you completely fuck something up, you can go back to the way things were.
I accidentally rm -rf 'd the wrong shit.
And then my terminal broke. Couldn't access anything.
Had a small backup of all my files.
Quickly ran a restore while some crucial things files were still alive in RAM.
Timeshift is fucking life saver.
The one thing I've learned most about developers is that developers like their lasagna more than their spaghetti.3
Wait what's that? You don't use version control on Production servers?
You want me to do what?
You want me to rename every file I have to replace with an underscore and the date after the extension so it looks like this?
You've got to be fucking kidding me right!?
Oh the production server is down again?
Is it because we're not using the right Jar file?
Well shit, I wonder why that's happening...2
I'm back bitches! And I'm having a second interview today! We'll see if I get the job! Wish me luck8
Me: Excuse me! Why are you making that noise!?
Him: Making the sound a fart makes when attempting to escape the butt silently.
Him: Because if you sound out PHP that is exactly what it sounds like. A fart trying to escape a butt silently.