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Girlfriend: What's your biggest fear?
Me: That machines take over the world.
Girlfriend: What?
Toaster: What?8 -
GF: What are you doing there?
Dev: I've been trying to reproduce a bug for two hours now...
GF: You need two bugs the opposite sex, otherwise they won't reproduce.
From a sad true story.10 -
Linux will never be the most installed OS. Just think about how often you had to reinstall Windows.15
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My first try at 3D printing. Currently selling it on Shapeways, good thing they were celebrating and didn't have to pay for transportation. What do you think of my joke? :D
20 -
I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait that came out wrong.
I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month
Cred: instagram1 -
Customer: I have installed Windows on my computer
Support: Yes, and ?
C: And I have problem now...
S: You already said that.13 -
My girlfriend just asked me if a good colleague / friend and I are brogrammers 😂
She was so proud of this joke an I had to laugh aswell...3 -
My friend told me a joke about programming:
"What's the difference between a programmer and a sandwich?
-The sandwich doesn't tell me useless trivia about programming."
Noted, you prick.23 -
Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day. Teach a man how to program, frustrate him for a lifetime1
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Skills: JavaScript, PHP, Ruby, Python, Java, C++, Go, Perl
Meaning: I wrote"Hello world" in each of these.14 -
Halloween joke, anyone?
"If you want a slutty costume for Halloween, you should go as my professor. He barely covers anything important" 😁10 -
Another old joke:
Call at help desk:
-"What is your problem?"
-"I use Windows."
-"And???"
-"My computer isn't working."
-"You already said that."9 -
There are 11 types of people: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who are tired of seeing this binary joke.6
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The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea 😐5
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A tcp packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “you want a beer?” and tcp packet says “yes, a beer” .
In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.
A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”
When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs.
IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave…and you don’t get any beer either…”
The worst part about token ring jokes is that if someone starts telling one while you are telling yours, all joking stops.
The great thing about TCP jokes is that you always get them.
The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them.
I would tell some UDP jokes too but I never know if anyone gets them
The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them or not.
I had a funny UDP joke to tell, but I lost it somewhere...
The sad thing about IPv6 jokes is that almost no one understands them and no one is using them yet.
I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted.
A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!
DHCP jokes only work when there is only one person telling them
The worst part of SSH jokes is that, even when they're not funny, you suck it up and just pretend they were anyway.
The problem with token ring jokes is you need to wait your turn to laugh
I’d make a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if anyone’s actually listening…10 -
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline.
OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline.
I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?10 -
2 atoms are walking down the street when one says "Shit I lost my electron" second one says "are you sure ?" First one says "yeah Im positive".
Just a physics joke.9 -
i remember when i watched other people write code and i wasnt able to understand their code and... look at me now... i can't even understand my own code3
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"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I will tell you a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"OK, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"OK, I am ready to get the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has 2 characters, does not have a setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has been timed out."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"7 -
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty and an empty one, in case he doesn't.7
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If I had a child I would name him or her "sudo" so I would be sure he/she would do what I say.
"Sudo don't touch the oven!"6 -
Noobies think there are 1,000 mb in a gigabyte. Real programmers know there are 1,024 meters in a kilometer.5
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*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*
Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.
...
...
...
Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!6 -
A software engineer was smoking...
A lady nearby asked him: "Can't you read the warnings? Smoking is injurous to health!"
He replied: "We are bothered only about errors, not warnings!"7 -
Zero bottles of beer on the wall, zero bottles of beer; take one down, pass it around, 65535 bottles of beer on the wall.5
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S: Do you want to hear a UDP joke?
C: Yes I would like to hear a UDP joke.
S: ...
S: ...
C: ...?...?...?
S: Well I don't care if you get it!
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke".
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke"
Peer1: "Why d"
Peer2: "cken "
Peer3: "road?"
Peer4: "id th"
Peer3: "cross"
Peer1: "e chi"
Peer5: " the"
Peer2: "the o"
Peer4: "To ge"
Peer1: "side."
Peer5: "ther"
Peer2: "t to"7 -
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't realize the joke was in base three.6
-
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand ternary , those who don't and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.4 -
HR - There is a 2 years gap on your CV!
Candidate- I was in Yale.
HR - Oh wow that's great! You're hired!
Candidate - Yay! I got a yob!5 -
An old joke I know:
employee: Sir, the salary I receive is not in any way equal ti the work I do.
Boss: I know, but we can't let you starve.6 -
INTERVIEWER: "I see you put 'Mime' as a hobby - tell us more about that"
ME: **Tries to leave but is trapped in imaginary box**1 -
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn't.3
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!rant
I've begun writing my own joke language called Die. Use it to tell your boss, client, or partner how you feel about them!
https://github.com/JackRiales/Die27 -
please welcome me to devRant with your favourite silly dev joke?
mine:
'what's not to like about Unix?
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep'24 -
Me: What programming languages do you know ?
Person: I know HTML and CSS and little SQL.
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ *cries inside*3 -
I think lot less developers would smoke if they could replaced the warnings on cigarettes with errors.2
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The computer science department at my university is located in the basement. I know I'm supposed to get real world experience, but what a sick joke! /s6
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You know you're a programmer when you're doing math and you write == instead of = (Am I the only one who does this?)13
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While surfing, I read one article of 45 jokes only programmer will get....
This is the more realistic one:
What do computers and air conditioners have in common??
Ans: Both useless when you open windows3 -
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop wrote in the search box:
"Dear Google please do not behave like my wife ... allow me to complete my sentence before you start suggesting or guessing" -
There are 10 types of people in the world:
-Those who understand binary
-Those who don't
-Those who didn't expect a joke in trinary
-Those who keep it going with quaternary
-Those who cohort with quinary
-Those who use senary instead
-Those who think septenary is lucky
-Those who think octonary is prosperous
-And the Windows Naming Committee
See, 10.7 -
Heard about that developer thats was involved in a car accident and went to hospital for brain surgey?
Doc said he need to remove half of the brain but he will survive. His developer friends was happy with the news that he will survive but sad loosing a great developer.
The surgey went as expected and now he is one of the best Project managers in the business.4 -
What do programmer jehova's witnesses say door to door?
.
Would you like to hear about our great savior linux?6 -
Teacher told me to write "I must do my homework" 100 times.
I wrote a for-loop that outputs "I must do my homework" 100 times.5 -
Not a rant: Devrant is the only place where i can write or read programming jokes that do not feel like UDP requests.2
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If we're living in simulation, then God should start releasing some updates, because world has too many bugs8
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Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, "I know, I'll use threads" – and then two they hav erpoblems.2
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There are 10 types of person in this world: The ones who have read this joke before, and the ones who have never accessed the internet.3
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Me and my two coworkers are the perfect start of a joke: a mathematician, a physicist and a computer scientist walk into a bar...7
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Today, a friend decided to spam my phone with "haha" messages. To do this (bad) joke, he used an app he developped to send me automatically 10 times the same message... but his app has a bug, I already received 50 "haha" and it's not finished... my phone is dying and I hate my friend!5
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If you ever feel like you won't achieve anything in your developer career just remember that Suicide Squad won an Oscar.1
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- What did a Java static method accused of criminal possession of a weapon said in his deffense?
- "THIS does not belong to me!"1 -
OK, another crappy joke time.
0 went to a bar and asked for a vodka shot. The bartender gave him 2 vodka shots. He said, "For you 1 is COMPLEMENTary"!3 -
IT!😂😝😂
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Reply From Tech Support: First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.2 -
These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated." -
Damnit...
I'm kind of a perfectionist, which is one of the reasons why I don't post here very often.
I think that my posts have to be the most hilarious or creative ones to even be bothered to be read by anyone.
Now.. I'm kind of not sober, so I'll just write some idéas, jokes and rants in notes on my iPad.. Sleep, and get drunk again tomorrow and maybe post them...
Or maybe just delete this post and be ashamed tomorrow?
I at least posted this under the "Joke/Meme" tag so that people won't be offended, hopefully, by this "none-rant".5 -
A programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 0x01 root beers".
The bartender pours him a root beer.
Another programmer walks into a bar. He says "I'll have 1.0f root beers".
The bartender pours the second programmer a root beer float. -
Me: Buy me a new car and smartphone !
Dad: No !
Me: alias please = sudo
Me: please buy me new car and smartphone !
Dad: Password:
Me: Password
Dad: of course I will buy you new car and smartphone.2 -
Which framework can jump the most?
Java Spring Framework.
Which framework can store hot water?
Python Flask
Which framework is believed to cause extinction of dinosaurs?
Meteor JS
Which script devs like to drink the most?
Coffeescript1 -
Discover that stackoverflow has documentation. Now they will start to yell "Check the fucking docs!!!"
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!rant
User: "Hello, I'd like to hear a torrent joke."
Tracker: "I will refer you to people who can tell you a torrent joke."
Peer 1: "Why d"
Peer 2: "cken "
Peer 3: "road?"
Peer 4: "id th"
Peer 3: "cross"
Peer 1: "e chi"
Peer 5: " the "
Peer 2: "the o"
Peer 4: "To ge"
Peer 1: "side."
Peer 5: "ther"
Peer 2: "t to " -
What I say: I'm a computer science major.
What people hear: I can resolve any tech issue you have or will ever have on any machine that exists in this universe. I am jacked into the Matrix at all times. I am the IT god. Look upon me and despair.
What I mean: Sometimes I try to tell the computer to do something and I cry when it doesn't work. -
Me chatting with a bandmate who is also a developer:
Me: do you have any experience in Db?
Him: Dropbox? Databases?
Me: Sorry enharmonic confusion. I meant C#
P.S. yes, sometimes I find my comments so funny that I make new joke posts about them.4 -
Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problem.
3 database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out. Because they couldn't find a table.
If the box says:
"This software requires Windows xp or better."
Does that mean it will run on Linux?1 -
I checked out a Facebook profile of a stud guy. He mentioned his nickname as heart hacker... I died.8
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My team member was struggling with his .json files, so to cheer him up, I came up with a joke;
"Don't worry, if the program doesn't work, I'll be your yaaaii son"8 -
A joke that was said, that left me standing in stunned silence:
What's the difference between Java and Brainfuck?
-Brainfuck will confuse the shit out of you, but for the right reasons. -
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand ternary, those who don't and those who were expecting the binary joke ;)
-
When you order clothes online instead of going to the mall, you know for sure that you are a real programmer.2
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ughh there comes halloween and christmas joke, i'm sure yall know this right ??? OCT(34) == DEC(25)5
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When a couple of programmers have marital problems, do they go to therapy or just debug their marriage?2
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DevRant has increased my asshole-ery. Reading work design docs and I keep thinking, "really? That's your choice? Obviously this is a joke. You expect us to do what?? In what timeframe?"2
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If Debugging is the process of removing bugs, the Programming must be the process of putting them in.2
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https://youtu.be/hkDD03yeLnU?t=8s
"I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, see if I can track an IP address." 🤨🤔
I'll just blockchain a neural netwok for AI using big data in Delphi.1 -
I cannot understand the reasoning behind anyone using Gitlab instead of Github
I have to use it (gitlab) for a project, and these are my observations:
- clicking on one of the tabs on a project throws an internal server error
- under activity, the creation of the repo is listed under issues activity??
- cannot manage to push, even though I have the developer role (permissions broken?)
Ps: when choosing tabs, typing "gitlab is a" comes up with "gitlab is a joke" as autocompletion ;)7 -
!rant
How many Programmers Does it take to Change a Light Bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
None - It's a Hardware Problem -
Do you guys have any stories about where people know you have knowledge of computers and then you instantly become some "hacker"
Here's mine:
In my math class were completely technology orientated and everyone has their own laptop. For half of the class we do this computer program and there's different sections of it which covers different topics of math, as you complete each section the section completed becomes green to signify it's been completed. Well I poked around in inspect element until I found what sets the status as completed, so me being me I set everything to completed as a joke to show my friends (of course once you refreshed the page it disappeared). Now I show my friends, and this class is big (60 students with 2 instructors) so obviously more people than just my friends saw it. Well apparently the word got around and my instructors found out, next thing I know I'm getting called down to their room during my period 5. They began threatening to take away all my laptop privileges and tell the principal ect. (Basically a bunch of unnecessary things) Well I ended up showing them what I did and proving it to them that it was only a client side change and not a server side, and that if I refresh the page it set my status back to where I should be. From there on out in that class I've been called "hacker" by both, the instructors and the students.
So basically some people don't know the difference between a joke and hacking \(•_•)/
If anyone else has any other examples I'd love to hear them.5 -
Had a end of week test for some Object orientated programming training in respect to C# and this gem of a question was asked...
What is the capitalisation convention for methods in C#?
- Camel Case
- James Case
- Pascal Case
- Justin Case
I give credit to the guy who chose those answers4 -
Needs repeating:
Q: Why do programmers always get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct(31)==dec(25)2 -
just as Erik Meijer said scrum is the most stupid shit in modern development process. I worked in an organization hires ppl as full time scrum master, which is joke. each day the asks what did u finished yesterday and how long it need to finish the task assigned to u. btw the scrum masters know nothing about programming. come on man how can u finish any serious shit in one day and who cares how much shit others finished. each week just attending those freaking meetings without coding. each programmer are assigned at least 5 bosses, and what the fuck is product manager doing, it's not adding indirection can solve anything.2
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!rant A guy is standing on the corner of the street! smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors." -
[Type : Joke]
Happy holidays!
Find out whether Santa has passed your country!
https://santatracker.google.com/tra...5 -
If you have errors, don't immediately point to the pointers because they can't take responsibility2
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Joke:
A linux programmer walks into a restaurant, orders some food from the menu, and asks for a fork. After a while all the programmers at that restaurant start asking for forks. -
Do you know why programmers have wife and also girlfriend? Wife thinks he is with girlfriend, girlfriend thinks he is with wife and he can calmly programming. :D
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Old,but gold programmer joke
Wife asks her programmer husband to go and buy some things from a shop.
Wife: Go and buy 1 carton of milk,if they have eggs in the shop - bring 6.
Programmer comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
Wife: Why you bought 6 cartons of milk?
Programmer: Because they had eggs.1 -
Why did the programmer get stuck in the shower?
Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said, “Lather, rinse, repeat.” -
Tabs over Spaces.
PHP over Python.
Internet Explorer over Firefox.
Death over Life.
@dfox over @trogus?4 -
Treatment women like objects isn't normal,
but on OOP it is.
Women women = new Women();
OOP. Not even once.1
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