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FUCK PHP!!!
We were trying to go live with a big online shop, it is connected through a crappy API to SAP.
PHP keeps outputting fucking errors because our intern doesn't fucking know how to properly write PHP.

YEAH, JUST FUCKING RETURN A WHOLE DIFFERENT TYPE OF DATA IF THE FUNCTION HAS AN ERROR.

Oh and using fucking strtr( ... ) to insert stuff in a string is REALLY FUCKING 1337...

And when you think the whole fuckery has reached the summit, just look at how HE FUCKING CREATED THE UGLY EMAIL TEMPLATE:
$content .= "UGLY HTML ABOMINATION";
$content .= "MORE UGLY HTML";
$content .= "HTML WITH SPELLING ERRORS";
$content .= "<table>";
$content .= "TEARS OF TIM BERNERS LEE";
$content .= "<table>HE FOGOT THE FUCKING '/'";

and dozens more of these lines...

and the whole piece for ALL 3 FUCKING LANGUAGES...

Thanks for writing the fucking backend stuff, it is better to rewrite the whole piece.

Comments
  • 9
    indeed interns can screw a lot up but we all have been in that place. as far as I know the intern didn't had his code checked every once in a while and didn't test it properly himself.
  • 22
    Usually I'm the first to have a jab at PHP, but really that's not even slightly the problem here xD
  • 17
    Fuck PHP because you have incompetent developers?

    The reasons get more fucked with each passing day...
  • 8
    Theres nothing bad with php ...
  • 16
    Fuck your intern not PHP.
  • 11
    And I assume you were the perfect intern/junior that ever walked on planet earth right? so what if he fucked up? go and fucking be a good mentor, teach him, show him how to do it properly so next time you don't fall into this shit again.
  • 8
    ☕☕☕☕. Deep breath. Walk him through how to fix it. If this is part of a recurring pattern with him, try getting someone else to sit in on the lesson and start documenting. One time is a mistake, more than that is a pattern and likely signs of either not being ready or just laziness.
  • 6
    @QueenMorgana thank you 😊
    now I feel better. It was mostly my short night and the pressure going with today.

    PHP is allright if people know how to use it.

    We are a 3 dev company so my boss thinks it is not necessary to do code reviews...
    We could have saved lot of time 😉
  • 4
    @PonySlaystation yes thats the point if you can use php you can be very effective in it and i'm not telling that php is good for everything but its not bad at all
  • 5
    Been there. Done that (years ago). Noone was hurt because it was my personal code. And I have seen worse. Many fucks were thrown so I know your pain. But that's a dev fault, not the PHPs
  • 6
    Happy the comments here pointed out that the problem here was definitely the human and not the code.
  • 2
    @SSDD Yeah i was half expecting a bunch of dim witted oafs to come piling in just to get a punch in.
  • 3
    Honestly Im getting fed up with the php blame when the blame is on who is working on it...
  • 2
    @WorstVarNames Yup, PHP ain't perfect but what is?
  • 2
    Fun fact - 90% of the times, it's not the language, it's the coder (your intern is shit)
  • 6
    They suck because they're demotivated because they suck because they're demotivated because nobody will teach them the right way.

    Hold their hand for a week and guide them through the whole process, some students lag behind due to terrible teachers and fall into a vicious circle of demotivation.
  • 1
    A full stack php developer, PM me today who looks a lot bigger in age than me.
    First of all, it was pain in ass and dick to understand what he was trying to ask for help. If cannot communicate in English, fucking use php ...Err hindi

    All he was saying it's not working, then added working. Inside my mind... "Is it even working or not"

    At last I got, what he said. His nodejs application was running on terminal but not localhost. */ Facepalm..*/ 🤔🤔🤔Ass plam /* dickpalm
  • 6
    To be honest, it might not even be the intern's fault, interns are there to learn, and a 3 man company can't provide the right environment.

    If you have 6 devs and an intern, you can take turns coaching and doing reviews, without losing much productivity.

    Bosses often think "Let's get interns for cheap labor", but that way of thinking will bite you in the ass.
  • 5
    'fuck php'
    'intern doesn't fucking know how to properly write php'

    Sorry mate but that's not PHP's fault!
  • 1
    What I miss in the comments here is, that this rant is hilarious. I laughed and favorized. 😁
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