Poorly explain what you do for a living.

I spell words so you can watch things do stuff.

stuff

I don't.
I am broke because of that.

I write instructions to be executed by a computer to fulfill customer-defined goals.

I enchant a magical silicone stone with complicated magic runes to make the stone do thing instead of me

I drink coffee

Explain things badly to a completely literal mind

I gather around people to figure out if things work like they should and why, and what will we do and not do about it.

I do data, me.

I would but I got disturbed by the idea that 99% of managers can just say:

"PowerPoints hahaha!"

And it's still totally clear.

I compose arrows of various monoids in the category of endofunctors all day.

Supposed to manage people, but end up managing spreadsheet

i help people find what they are looking for

I tell a rock what to do

I rearrange text into meaningful patterns. I then submit this text to the arbiter of machine code. If my offering is accepted and rewarded with the ark of machine code. The ark is then applied and if the "OS of machine that goes brrr" accepts the ark of the machine code then it will go brrr. However, if one is a mage of the "OS of the machine that goes brrr" one can force their will upon the construct by uttering the words of sudo. However, without proper caution this can destroy the entire construct.

I write arcane symbols on a screen so you can read less arcane symbols on another screen.

I type while listening to music with universal paperclips on another Firefox tab

staring at a field of lots of little lights
I press some buttons to change the pattern they form
until some day it may look like I want

[insert xkcd link]

I fix low IQ people's shit.

Making people do what they don't want, getting regularly beaten up for it - but hey, I still get the higher paycheck.

I pound on plastic keys and smash buttons

I stare at letters until they do something productive.

I'm playing key(board)

Some boring computer shite!

"Computer plumber"
Literally how I explained "Data Engineer" to my grandmother.

I keep a leaking boat filled with a pile of golden poo afloat.

I take lightning and stick it into a rock until it learns to think

@Trithon you electrishun?

I make things move in front of you

@mucalena are you a stripper?

I click square buttons to generate some images and words on a rectangular glass that fits into your pocket for people to swipe up and down .

@johnmelodyme content-o creator-u?