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I once worked until 8am to get a demo ready for a client of the client. I knew the client was a bit thick, so I made some comprehensive video demos and sent them over to him, to save him trying to demo it himself. I wake up at 11am with him screaming down the phone at me:
“It doesn’t work, none of it works!”
“What do you mean?”
“I go to login and I can’t enter anything.”
“I haven’t sent you anything to log into...wait, are you trying to log into a video? Tell me you’re not trying to log into a video of a login page.”
“Uh...oh hang on, it just worked. Ok no pr-“
“No wait, what do you mean it worked?”
“I logged in fine.”
“It’s a video. You can’t log into a video.”
“Uh...alright, bye mate, thanks!”
The moral of the story is: never assume any level of intelligence on the part of a client, even if they exhibit signs of it at first. If they are paying you they will forget how to tie their own shoelaces.17
You get to cast a role in Programming Languages: The Movie. Who, for which, and why?
Recruiters spamming on LinkedIn
"Got a great mid-range iOS dev role that I think you'd be ideal for!"
Yeah I'm a CTO and I've done fucking no iOS work ever, I can see why you narrowed it down to me.
"Are you free for a quick call?"
Yeah, I'll just drop what I'm doing and talk to some fucking total stranger, because nothing makes me happier than hiring a dev for 15% more than I'm paying them and the extra going to some bottom-feeding fuck for having emailed a resume.
"Hey, I'm a growth hacker..."
If I have a growth that needs hacking I'll go to an actual doctor, not some shit-wizard with a gross beard.2
I never see this said with reference to a fucking hardware driver or a shit hot games engine, it's always used to persuade me to use some fucking frontend framework.
It's JS, running in a browser, polishing the turd of the clapped-out DOM - I don't EXPECT it to be fast. I just don't want it to go completely to fuck straight away. The bar is so low that the core of the Earth is melting it.3
Leverage. This is a noun, there is already a verb: lever. If 'levering' something doesn't sound good, well, that's because it's not an appropriate verb for what you are describing. We're better than the Marketing dept, stop wastaging everyone's time.4