In an alternate universe, Soviet Russia won the Race to the moon, the Cold War wasn't actually "Cold". And Russia took all of America's technology. Changed the programming languages to Russian. You're now forced to code in Russian.

Write about what you'd do, Comrade.

So I says to the wife, I says, “When you go to Costco tomorrow, I need a new Oral B electric toothbrush. My old one’s battery is no longer able to hold a charge.” I’m picturing her coming back with one that’s pretty similar to the one I had. You turn it on, you brush your teeth, you turn it off.

She comes back with the Oral B Pro 6000. Go on. Look it up. I’ll wait.

So this thing has about 6 modes and Bluetooth that connects you to an app that not only keeps track of how often you brush, but tracks your performance and gives you trophies if you do well at specific tasks and techniques. And there’s a coach to take you on an “oral health journey” depending on your particular goals. There’s even a mount you can buy to attach your phone to your mirror so the app can watch how you brush and give you pointers. I don’t have the mount so I got an 85% on performance because who can hold a phone pointed perfectly at your face while brushing? The final report had what might be the app dev’s attempt at a pun.

It’s 2019 and everyone is judging you. Why not your toothbrush as well?

In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested. In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.

Here’s how you deploy changes in Soviet Russia.

“Dear subscriber of the Great Soviet Encyclopedia
The government scientific publisher “The Great Soviet Encyclopedia” recommends you remove pages 21, 22, 23 and 24 from book 5, as well as the portrait in between pages 23 and 24. Replacement pages containing new text will be sent to you.
You have to cut those pages off with scissors or razor, keeping a small area you have to glue the new pages to.
— The government scientific publisher “The Great Soviet Encyclopedia””

Context: this happened after Lavrentiy Beria, the man who carried on the great terror after Ezhov, was declared the enemy of the state and executed.

In my opinion, russian nation's chronic inability to fight oppressive regimes is partly attributed to one interesting quirk the russian language has.
When talking about injustice committed against someone, or making threats to commit said injustice, the actor is completely omitted.
Here's an example:
“Надо будет — найдут”, roughly translated to “they could find you if they wanted to”, is a common phrase to use when talking about proxies, VPNs and other online privacy measures. But the word “they” in English translation is nowhere to be found in the original text! Let's examine the literal translation:
- “надо будет” — “the need will arise”
- “найдут” — “will find you”
The English phrase “they could find you if they wanted to” can be easily challenged with a simple question: “Who's they?” The government? The corporates? The regime? The CIA? Who exactly?

English language can mimic that with passive voice: “you are being watched”, “you are an easy target”, etc. But in active voice, you can't avoid using “they” or some other actor.
In russian, you can. And you will. Indeed, this is how russian people converse. It's a very specific, very common pattern that never really changed.

It's a very powerful thought-terminating cliché built straight into the language. You can't fight an enemy that has no name and no word to describe it, not even a euphemism. The very language you THINK in prevents you from analyzing the entities that oppress you.

In a Tom Scott Plus video where he tried tightrope walking, he learned that they don't say the “F-word” — “fall”. You can't say “I'm afraid I'll fall”. You have to find more specific alternatives like “I'm afraid I'll lose balance”. The word “fall” in this context is a thought-terminating cliché. There is no going back after you “fall”. But if you “lose balance”, you can “regain balance” — the lack of a thought-terminating cliché promotes problem-solving.

Russian language is the same, but in soviet russia, language terminates you, I guess.

After a few years in IT you don't find job. Job find you!

Stupid FaceApp. “Gee! It’s an election cycle. Let’s all download a selfie app from Russia!”

What’s everyone’s take on this app? I’ve seen articles saying it’s no big deal because their servers are all in the US and it doesn’t access the photo library and blah blah blah. My issue is that the photo it takes goes to the cloud for processing. Control lost.

In Soviet Russia, app play YOU!

Any of you guys that also faces existential crisis every sprint deadline? Not being able to fullfill PM's expectations is horrible.