Join devRant
Do all the things like
++ or -- rants, post your own rants, comment on others' rants and build your customized dev avatar
Sign Up
Pipeless API
From the creators of devRant, Pipeless lets you power real-time personalized recommendations and activity feeds using a simple API
Learn More
Search - "no-gasoline"
-
Boss: "Could you join the new DevOps team for a week or two, for some coaching?"
Me: "I'd rather watch you masturbate furiously in a corner of the office while you cry over your ex boyfriend"
Boss: "Yeah... that's why I ask you. You are the only one brave enough to watch"
Me: *Sigh* "But I don't know shit about what DevOps does, I'm a DBA. I've told you the difference a million times. Can't we just douse it in gasoline and set it on fire?"
Boss: "What?"
Me: "Not the team, the servers..."
Boss, imitating Gimli: "And my ex!"
Me: "I get why he left you"
Boss: "It's funny, he was actually better with computers than me, maybe even better than you. He hated me for starting this company, told me I was just chasing money instead of ideals. He just isn't grown up enough to see that there is more to the world than computer games, brewing beer, maker festivals and gay bars, that you need to take responsibility... Maybe it just never works out between managers and geeks..."
Me: "Indeed. The difference in competence is too large"
Boss: "Ugh. You are like straight version of him... but will you at least take a look?"
Me: "Fine, unzip your pants..."
Boss: "No, not that... you need to teach DevOps this docking thing, with the parallel stuff, and the horizontal growth"
Me: "Damn I really hope we're talking about servers now... Do you mean Docker?"
Boss: "That's it. They want to learn how to dock on the Windows servers. They reserved two 4xlarge on AWS. Is that enough for docking?"
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: "You know what. I'm going back to hug my DB designs, and wash my brain with some queries. Then I'll return here to burn everything to the ground. There is no hope for you left"
Boss: "That's what he said"
Me: "You're using that meme wrong"
Boss: "OK. So what if you just stay on DB management, and I'll just give you the budget to recruit a new DevOps lead and pay for training?"
Me: "That would work"
Boss: "Why are you grinning?"
Me: "Because I have your ex's phone number"18 -
Estimate for writing a custom WordPress plugin:
1 hour - Learn the API the plugin will support
1 hour - Review how plugins are written
60 hours - Set up XAMPP only to find that the version with PHP 7 no longer supports MySQL but something called MariaDB which my host doesn't support and then uninstall XAMPP and install MAMP only to get really frustrated setting it up and beat myself for not just buying that $99 Windows Pro upgrade so I can install Kalabox with HyperV which is much easier than all of this and why doesn't Kalabox have a way of supporting Windows Home because not everyone buys Windows Pro or can afford a Mac or has time to screw around with 100 possible Linux distros to figure out which one will work best and then buy gasoline and matches and set it on fire and watch it all buuuuuuurn such pretty fire.8 -
CAUTION: possibly NSFL
There was a war. We lived in a leftist camp inside an abandoned railway station. The only thing that could break the siege was BLA
[dream fragment lost]
So they lined us up. There were ten of us.
— Do you want the leftist future?
— No…, they made me say.
— Do you love capitalism?
— Yes…, they made me say.
— Ты готова присниться?, they asked my female comrade ("are you ready to come to our soldiers in their dreams to support them?")
— Yes.
— Ты готов расшибиться?, they asked me ("are you ready to work your ass off, dying in the process if necessary?". It also makes a perfect rhyme with the previous Russian sentence)
— Yes.
Then, they tied our hands and hung us onto a rack. They doused us with gasoline.
— Look. Czechoslovakia had Jan Palach. We have ten Jan Palachs now!
They set us on fire. I feel an unimaginable pain. I wake up for ten minutes.
When I fell asleep again, I found out I survived. But, my body underwent modifications: first, I now had a vinyl shell instead of my skin. Underneath it were raw muscles. Second, I no longer had vocal cords. I no longer had voice.
In this world, we were slaves ("Тяговые люди") ruled by BLA. There were no prisons. Instead, there were only two punishments: the "light" one and the "heavy" one. First one is your shell getting ripped off. You die in around 20 minutes of agonizing pain, like mink that is skinned alive in Chinese leather tanneries. But, compared to the second one, that was a slap on the wrist.
The "heavy" punishment was them injecting you with "The Ferment". Immediately, your mind is altered into total obedience. Then, your body begins to turn into corpse juice. To outside observers, you die in 30 days. But for you, it feels like forever, as time speeds up indefinitely, and you're drifting into endless sorrow. When you die, no one notices, as your shell is still there. But instead of you, there's now nothing but corpse juice inside.
I now worked in some location that resembled Duke Nukem 3D's first map. My job was to remove those plastic shells. I had no bottom — it was replaced with a concrete cube that felt pain just like damaged tooth enamel does. An endless queue of shells moved in front of me. I had to remove their shells, to peel them off like vinyl.
Some people were alive underneath. They still had their skin. They thanked me, smile at me and wander away.
Some of them were alive, but had no skin. That means I was the one to execute a "light" punishment on them.
Some of them weren't there. I pop the shell open, and it deflates as corpse juice pours out.
One of my previous dreams was the following:
"— We arrange surgeries when in-person interventions are _not recommended_.
— So…, — I press the pause button on the handrail.
— The perfect maiden. Inside a plastic shell. 80 years old underneath."
Now I understand it. The first speaker was a BLA researcher. "I" was an investor. The "perfect maiden" was me, but way in the future from my today's dream. It all fits together.
Now, here's the discovered part of kiki universe so far:
- rotten meat house
- swine gray gel battleground
- horizontal elevators network
- united paper island
- baseball bat nightclub
- anxiety-inducing multidimensional pizzeria
- NEW! BLA headquarters
- NEW! demilitarized burning ground abandoned train station
- NEW! Duke Nukem 3D people skinning ground9 -
Why I love being in development... Gas/petrol shortage in the east coast? Work from home week! Woot Woot!
-
Now I have enough of this shit I fucking go grab a chainsaw and cut you into the tiniest pieces possible then pour gasoline on your fucking servers and lit them on fire. How the fuck should I remain calm if there is at least two fucking email I can't send because your fucking piece of shit server gets blacklisted EVERY FUCKING WEEK.
Oh how cool you made ipv6 available to shared plans so outlook servers won't blacklist mails. But guess what, it STILL DOESN'T WORK!!! Not to mention that you automatically modify my existing SPF record and set the shared storage ipv6 address to the main domain which should be pointing to the vps (still working though but have no idea why). I am so fucking fed up with people for today, and it's only just morning. -
HOW ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST HELP ME TO RECOVER MY STOLEN BITCOIN
The aroma of mangos and gasoline still festers. I'm zigging and zagging down Bali's mad streets on a rented bike, my existence and crypto riches secure in the back of a backpack. And then? Spinning on the sidewalk, dodging airborne papayas, and a helpless victim as a thief swiped my sack from my shoulder in the mess. Inside: $310,000 in Bitcoin, ten years of digital vagabond work, and the socks I preferred. Local officials yawned, sipping sugary tea beside a whirring ceiling fan. "Suku banyak cryptonym?" they complained, inviting me to submit a report after nap time. My crypto fortune was evaporating faster than an Indian sandcastle swept by monsoon rains. WhatsApp info:+12723 328 343
Enter ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST, recommended by a seasoned highway veteran on a forum thread captioned "When Your Life Gets Pirated (Literally)." Desperation compelled me to cling to hope like a guest on a broken-down scooter. Their support team didn't even raise an eyebrow at my incoherent rantings. They asked for timestamps, transaction hashes, and whatever bit of metadata Website info: http s:// adware recovery specialist. com
today's detectives use magnifying glasses instead.
As it turned out, my thief was no genius. He'd tried to wash my Bitcoin through a chain of offshore exchanges, creating a digital trail of breadcrumbs. ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST engineers married blockchain forensics with GPS data from my stolen equipment, following his footsteps like a high-stakes treasure hunt. They tracked him to a cybercafe in Jakarta, where he'd fought with mixers and privacy coins, blissfully unaware that each click was being duplicated. Email info: Adware recovery specialist (@) auctioneer. net
Eleven days later, I received a screenshot: my wallet balance, refilled. No fanfare, no triumphalism, but instead a modest "Your funds are safe. I slumped into a beanbag at a Ubud coworking facility, crying and laughing in half steps, while digital nomads gave me a side-eye over their cold brews. My Bitcoin was restored. My dignity? Still missing, thanks to a viral video of me face-planting into a durian stand. Telegram info: ht tp s:// t.me/ adware recovery specialist1
ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST did not outsmart a thief, but they unveiled the fragility of our virtual world. Technical sorcery coupled with sheer determination converted a dismal nightmare into a rags-to-riches tale one in which the villain is sent a blockchain paper trail and the hero wears a headset instead of a cape. Today, my backpack holds a decoy wallet and an AirTag surgically attached to my ledger. I’ll never ride a motorbike in flip-flops again, but I’ll always travel with the ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST contact saved in triplicate. They’re the antidote to a world where crypto can vanish faster than a beach sunset, and where fruit vendors double as viral content creators. If your crypto ever goes rogue, skip the panic. Call the ADWARE RECOVERY SPECIALIST . Just maybe avoid Bali’s fruit stands while you’re at it.1
