The retro retro. A retro about our retros.

GitHub issue comment:
"problem solved by applying a patch"

WHAT FUCKING PATCH DAMNIT!

Alt career ? Professional Chef, fancy restaurant.

Fun fact : Typing on a keyboard that's not plugged into your laptop will not work. Honestly, I should have taken today off. My toddler woke up at 1am screaming bloody murder and didn't get back to bed until 2:30. There's a construction crew hammering up my 14 year old floors to replace it with new ones. My dog is anxious as fuck with all the noise, and truthfully, I'm just staring into my screen hoping the code will write itself. This code will become production deployment logic, so it damn well better be excellent and bug-free. Not a good day to pick up this task.

Database queries are slow.... quick add more indexes.

Tomorrow: Hey, why are database writes slow?

Rise. Lather. Repeat next week. 😡 Indexes can’t fix this spaghetti SQL!

How quickly into an interview is too soon to tell the candidate goodbye?

Can you be here Monday?

- It was Thursday
- I lived 650 miles away, and had to move
- I did it anyway

I broke prod for 10 seconds, and nobody noticed. Also, why the fuck did the alarms not go off? 🤷‍♂️ 🚨 🙈

I fucking hate TypeScript and Rust. I’d rather be working in C++

How most recruiter emails go these days:

- Hiring multiple senior lead engineers <— That’s me
- 180k+ <— I like it.
- Must have experience with AWS, GCE, AND Azure <— Okay, you’re looking for a unicorn
- Kubernetes expert
- Experience with Rust, Node, and .NET <— What type of fucking company are you?
- Must be on call and 25% travel <— Why?
- Preferred: experience with printer repair, Raid Arrays, CAT5, and Microsoft Access <— Y’all fucked up somewhere a long time ago. I’m out.

When test data makes it into production....

George was the first DevOps engineer, and one of my mentors...

Who holds the #1 Google spot for these queries?

fuck c#: devRant
fuck typescript: devRant
fuck xcode: devRant
fuck product owner: devRant

fuck docker: reddit (devRant is 2)
fuck java: reddit (devRant is 2)
fuck agile: reddit (devRant is 2)
fuck scrum: reddit (devRant is 2)
fuck sql: reddit (devRant is 2)
fuck node: reddit (devRant is 3)
fuck php: github (devRant is 4)
fuck python: github (devRant is 4)
fuck clojure: reddit (devRan't didn't rank on first page)
fuck rust: reddit (devRant didn't rank on first page)
fuck scala: reddit (devRant didn't rank on first page)

fuck ruby: **am I still connected to the company VPN? I might have some explaining to do** (devRant didn't rank)

This is how security bugs get introduced into open source. This comment came into a project I'm watching today, and I don't have the time to follow up on how bad of an idea that is:

"If you are still interested, I got it working by removing verify=True"

Hey boss! I optimized our AWS costs by deleting that old CDN we didn't use anymore.

`export default Hamburger;`

Now I'm hungry.

Irony - The new TLS certificate was finally issued after 10 days of waiting. The project management portal I need to upload it to crashed this afternoon. No ETA on recovery time yet.

Auth0 and Okta merge.... Is Cognito the only other major player here? This merge now makes an Auth monopoly!

Email from vendor: "Will you require SSL?"

WTF. So many problems with this question. Am I alone in my frustration? What problems do YOU see with that question?

Three years into my "on the side" consulting business, I actually turned a profit! Most of my business "expenses" are my personal AWS pet projects, certification exam fees, and my hosted Gmail accounts. I'm super excited :)

Alexa, what’s a quarter times 13?

Alexa: One US quarter times 13 is 13 US quarters.

🤦‍♂️ Alexa, what’s point two five times 13?

PagerDuty: "This shit's so slow your servers are timing out"

Dev Fix: "Let's add another layer of caching before the Redis cache!" 🤦‍♂️

Looking for feedback on Elastic's SSPL license type change. Is anybody else worried? Any other companies seek legal counsel already? What have your lawyers said about it?

One of my insurance companies made me sign a legal disclosure that they no longer support Internet Explorer for paperless options. The end is in sight!

How can AWS cancel Parlor's account but not MeWe's? Aren't they almost identical in terms of content?

I don’t work for AWS, but this just one reason why my LinkedIn profile doesn’t list the companies I work for.

Change my mind. Golang can be more difficult than it needs to be sometimes:

Find the first "non-null" value in an array:

Go:
Optional<String> result = Stream.<Supplier<String>> of(
() -> first(),
() -> second(),
() -> third() )
.map( x -> x.get() )
.filter( s -> s != null)
.findFirst();

Ruby:
@group_list.find { |x| !x["list"].blank? }

Just because your service provider implements a well-known spec one way doesn't mean it's a requirement for mine. The spec clearly defines this field as "optional".

I couldn't figure out what the giant "C" was doing in my screen. It took me way to long to figure this out.

What’s 2020s way of consuming a REST API in React? Too many options!