How many total rows of data does your production database have?

My most painful coding error?

```
#!/bin/bash
APP_PREFIX=${1}

#Clean built bin dir before re-compiling
rm -rf ${APP_PREFIX}/bin

make compile
```

I'm a DevOps engineer. It's my job to understand why this type of shit is broken, and when I finally figure it out, I get so mad at bullish players like AWS.

It's simple. Install Python3 from apt.

`apt-get update && apt-get install -y python3-dev`

I've done this thousands of times, and it just works.

Docker? Yup.
AWS AMI? Yup.
Automation? Nope.

WTF? Let's waste 2.5 hours and figure out why this morning.

In docker: `apt-cache policy python3-dev` shows us:
python3-dev:
http://archive.ubuntu.com/ubuntu focal/main amd64 Packages

But in AWS instance, we see we're reading from "http://us-east-1.ec2.archive.ubuntu.com/... focal/main" instead!

Ah, but why does it fail? AWS is just using a mirror, right? Not quite.

When the automation script is running, it's beating AWS to the apt mirror update! My instance, running on AWS is trying to access the same archive.ubuntu.com that the Docker container tried to use. "python3-dev" was not a candidate for installation! WTF Amazon? Shouldn't that just work, even if I'm not using your mirror?

So I try again, and again, and again. It works, on average, 1 out of every 5 times. I'm assuming this means we're seeing some strange shit configuration between EC2 racks where some are configured to redirect archive.ubuntu.com to the ec2 mirror, and others are configured to block. I haven't dug this far into the issue yet, because by the time I can SSH into the machine after automation, the apt list has already received it's blessed update from EC2.

Now I have to build a graceful delay into my automation while I wait for AWS to mangle, I mean "fix up" my apt sources list to their whim.

After completely blowing my allotted time on this task, I just shipped a "sleep" statement in my code. I feel so dirty. I'm going to go brew some more coffee to be okay with my life. Then figure out a proper wait statement.

I don't want to see your 3 minute tutorial on what's new in your site. I watched it in Chrome, but I just happen to be in Firefox today. Also, you pause the tutorial while I switch to a different tab. Fuck you!

Two VSCode windows open, with two "almost" identical files, but they get deployed to two very different contexts.

What could possibly go wrong?

This is how I feel most of my client proposal start:

* It's simple, I'd like to re-invent <the wheel>.

* All I want to do is use <rocketship engine> on <old typewriter>.

* I'm too cheap to hire a full-time < DBA, DevOps engineer, development team>. Can I pay you pennies?

* I'm poor and broke, can you do this for free?

* I'd like to <commit illegal act> and be <legal compliant standard>.

* I heard it was possible to <fly 30 people to the moon> using <Ford Model-T>. Please do this for us.

* I <sold my house>, but now <I'm locked out by the new owners>. Please help.

Friday be like: "Remote end closed connection without response."

Fuck-you Friday, I thought we were going to be friends today.

"The Marketplace has extensions that can help with '.disable' files"

Humor me VSCode Marketplace... what fucking extension do you recommend for my '.disable' file today?

As a matter of principle, when your project proposal starts with : "Create a new site, a combination of (SomeCompany.com) and (SomeCompletelyDifferent.com)" I just don't respond to you.

Capistrano and Auto Scaling Groups are antonyms.

You can't make this shit up. Google it. WTF.

-----

Question: Why are my <<Major Bank>> reports missing transactions, or why don't they reconcile?

Answer:

Issue
Data is missing from your <<Major Bank>> reports.

Cause
System issues at <<Major Bank>> can compromise the completeness of your report data.

When I say I'm in "DevOps" what I really mean is that I'm a full-stack engineer, DBA, system administrator, security engineer, auditor, cloud custodian, cost optimization expert, and everything else that doesn't get its own dedicated staff member here. Pretty much the catch all between developers and customer.

Why in fuck's sake would you create a new service and not offer TLS/SSL to your free tier clients ?

What tools are you using to build backend admin portals ?

Restart syslog service and the production app crashes. WTF.

Step #1) Teach Alexa to respond to "When is Memorial day" with an incorrect date in the future

Step #2) Ask Alexa, next to your wife.

Step #3) See how long you can keep your wife going on "the government moved Memorial Day due to Coronavirus" before she realizes your just a prankster.

Keybase sold out to Zoom!? I didn't see that coming.

I'd make a better product manager than developer. My code sucks, but I really understand what the customers want.

Moved into a new house, found my electric company's smart meter API. InfluxDB is very happy now.

GitHub status is like my Jira tickets: Found a bug, fixing a bug, squashed a bug. The end.

Chrome, you suck.
Macbook, you suck.
Everybody sucks.
Time to reboot everything and give up for the weekend.

My 10 month old foster-son just claimed my rubber duck as his own. Now I'm going to have to walk through my debugs with both of them!

Pop (onomatopoeia) : The sound your managed gigabit switch makes when you accidentally plug it into the power supply of your 48-volt power-over-Ethernet switch instead of its usual 9-volt supply.

Just because your friends are all learning JavaScript, doesn't make it the best language to learn first.

Story of my life:

1. Complete project to 90+%
2. Add that "one last feature"
3. Hit unresolved bug buried deep in one of the project's core requirements.

Accidentally deleted a file I needed ... found it still open in VSCode editor.

Client: "I need HIPAA compliance, with all data stored in Canada"

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with : "The Microsoft Edge team is pausing updates to the Stable channel for Microsoft Edge. This means that Microsoft Edge 81 will not be promoted to Stable until we resume these updates."

"Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

There are days I miss being able to power cycle the load balancer, rather than tearing it down and re-creating it.

Perhaps today will be when Yarn and npm fork?