Shut up Terraform v12, you know what I mean:

"${var.OldHabitsDieHard}"

Thanks major restaurant chain. I don't want to wait the 30 seconds for your cheezy animation to finish before I get my gift card's number. I'm hungry. Know your users.

I sometimes forget to close the tab to my bank's website. I flip back to it, hours, or even days later. As soon as the tab becomes active the "You'll be logged out in 60 second" timer starts ticking. Literally, days after I logged in, I can click "Stay logged in" and it works!

Their session timeout logic is all fucking Javascript based!? Don't they log out the session server-side at some point? How the fuck is my session still valid 2 days after initial login?

Me (to peer): I counted all of the items in the list, and if the list count is zero, we branch to this logic.

Peer: I don't like that, and reject your PR. You should get the list of items, and check to see if the list is empty.

- How is that fucking different than what I did?

- This is not a performance issue, we're talking less than 20 milliseconds on a command run three times a day by developers, not customers.

Recruiter:

... the bank purchased a 3rd party tool and hired a 3rd party development team to add some features to the tool. That external team hired their own 3rd party team, and now there are 400+ bugs in the system. Would you like to work as a test-automation lead on this project?

Me: Fuuuucck no.

Want to see details about how much money you spent at AWS? That'll cost you some money.

Your web server config is fucked, and your app is down.

~ "Faithfully yours, nginx."

Goodjob Self, you fucked up your Git local repo.
```
[ git checkout master || git stash ]

fatal: git-write-tree: error building trees
Cannot save the current index state
```

Twilio’s API opened my eyes of interacting with the rest of the world. Telephony got easy and nobody else comes close to how fast they are to integrate calls, lookups, texts, and even fax.

What's your work secret to staying healthy (emotionally, mentally, physically)? I climb flights of stairs while my Jenkins job is building.

I just setup an apt-cache on my Macbook. Docker no longer takes 10 years to `apt-get install` when I'm at the coffee shop. This coffee shop is going to loose so much money now that my work is done faster.

Your "feature" just became my problem. Your "great idea" is now my migraine. What you did in 300 lines, another team was already doing in 5.

The next time you `brew install...` on your laptop, you should fucking think that the infra team has to install those dependencies, on every server, too.

In less time than it took you to create your code, I could have given you several functions to call. I could have saved all of us weeks of work. Fucking ask cross-team before you cowboy code your next big idea please.

Got a problem you need to be solved, somebody else probably solved it, just fucking ask.

/* Don't forget to re-deploy application after every time daylight savings time change, before Monday at noon. */

I passed my AWS Architect Associate exam today! On to pro-level next!

`if (boolean)`

Would you tell a colleague that their PR needed to be refactored because they used parenthesis around an if block that didn't need it? I'm all about explicit order of operations and often add brackets and parentheses around things that don't need them. It's cool if you don't want to put them in, but does the PR need to be held up over this?

I am a senior a DevOps engineer who took the production stack down for ~10 minutes today because of a bad code commit. I could use some encouragement! It’s a fierce world of competitive engineers and I wonder why my company doesn’t replace me. The mistake was missed by two other peer reviews... but that doesn’t stop me from feeling this way.

Have you crashed prod? Did your team support you or tear you down?

-- How I feel at work lately, in terms my wife understands --

Me: There's a gas leak, we need to fix it.

Manager: Yeah, use some duct tape, here's a roll.

Me: That's not how we fix a problem like this.

Manager: Will it work to solve the problem?

Me: Only temporarily

Manager: Ask your co-worker if you need help using duct tape, he's used it before. When will it be fixed?

If you're going to build an open source command line tool, please for fuck sake publish the Linux x64 artifact to the world. I don't want to waste half my day setting up a box just to compile your project.

I know you build the artifact, I see it in your public CI system. The badge at the top of your GitHub repo even says it's good today. So seriously, why can't you just publish that binary to S3 so I don't have to waste my day ranting.

You can't break into what isn't turned on. We can now scale the admin interface down to zero nodes and spin it up on demand.

When does the bank decide to take their site down for maintenance? Payday. I'm not alone in this boat, millions of people get paid today (It's the last business day before the 15th!)

Not only can I not see what's in my account, but I can't pay the mortgage, the car payment, or a bunch of other bills.

Of all the fucking times to pick a maintenance window, somebody had to not be thinking about this.

Feeling lucky when the build number is my birth year!

Finally got around to re-aliasing `pip` to reach `pip3` on my mac. That feels so good. Why didn't I do that earlier?

Yes! I am deeply interested in [Primary Topic] and would love to receive [Newsletter] in my [Mailbox]. I bet you'll even send me an email that reads Dear [first_name].

What do I do on my day off? I write a Slack-Twilio integration so I can send text messages from my laptop. (Yeah, iMessage on the Macbook works too, but that's not the number I wanted to text from.)

When you come back from your coffee break, and realize you just wrote 40 lines of Python, but the app you're working in was written in NodeJS. I really need this coffee.

Safari, why you no work !? I thought you were on my side. You’re acting like IE.

If your workflow counts on users copying and pasting things (like security tokens from text messages) read this:

Please for fuck sake trim the damn whitespace before you validate. I can't see the fucking space client-side, and you fucking know I didn't mean to enter <SPACE>123456 as my auth code.

Double click, copy, paste, click, curse <-- Story of my life because somebody forgot a damn .replace statement.

It's 9:20am and you need PR approval to merge your work. You check Slack, but nobody's online.

PSA: Don't chase shiny.

Serverless stacks are fast, easy, and cheap... until they're not. 75% of the way through an implementation when the company started to realize that we would be done by now if we continued to use our own infrastructure.

Why am I a rockstar today? So glad you asked! I used "sed" without having to look at the manual. 12 files updated, 10 minutes saved... that's some good time to devRant if you ask me.