How the hell can people actually WORK with these ultra slim ultrabooks with no ports?? My laptop is getting used like a cheap whore at a bachelors party...

Okay,
So it began like I started my college for a CS degree and my parents asked me to look for a laptop. I started to search gaming rigs. Most bang for the buck. After wasting 2 weeks in analysing all the gaming laptops in the market, their fuckin cooling systems, heat pipes, SSD speeds, and what not, I finally decided to go for a ROG. My parents said that gaming laptops aren't good. They are heavy, etc. Okay. I then looked up for ultrabooks, like zenbook, envy, spectre, x1, etc. My parents said that a decent laptop would come for $700-800, and that's the price range I was searching in. After literally 2 weeks of mad searching, I finally decide to get an AMD ultrabook. I told my parents my final choice.

My parents:-

Oh! We didn't meant that. We just asked you to look for one. We ain't buying you one right now. If you still want a machine, we'll get you a $100 chromebook on your next birthday.

P.s:- My last birthday was 7 days ago😑

Developers switched from Windows to Macs because monkey-boy Ballmer claimed to want Developers whilst doing his best to drive us away - and Macs were a Unix laptop "That Just Worked".

Now we are going to have a MacBook "Pro" that doesn't even an Escape-key.

Great news for manufacturers of Windows ultrabooks - Asus and Dell must be rubbing their hands with glee!

What laptop would you guys recommend for development? I was thinking about a surface or surface book but those don't have dedicated gpus iirc and thus a friend recommended the Dell ultrabooks - what would you guys choose? MacBook is out of the game.

I'm looking to get a laptop, and I want your opinion on which one to get, because I'm a dev and don't care about whatever most reviews are looking at. Here is what I want from it:
1. I'll be running linux on it
2. I need it to be powerful enough to go through heavy development
3. It has to be decent sized 15" and below
4. It needs to stay cool under light load, under heavy load I've got a good cooling pad
5. Battery is not that important, and discrete graphics are not that important

I will be hooking it up to a keyboard/mouse/monitor setup when at home or work

Any suggestions? I've been looking at lenovo thinkpads for their ruggedness and dependability and Dell laptops as they've been around for a long time. Ultrabooks (like the XPS) are appealing but I don't know how well they deal with heat and thermal throttling under heavy load?

Why does every single Ultrabook with good price to performance ratio come with a fucking numpad? I despise numpads on laptops, they're uncomfortable as fuck. I really wanted a new laptop but I guess I'll have to wait.