When I was in college I had to code a piece of software for use on the college Intranet.

When it came time to deploy, I went to the network admin to set the package up for distribution.

His first reply, "oh, it's only 8mb, thats so sad".

WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER AS LONG AS IT DOES THE JOB!

When I was in college, I had some serious knob-heads in my class. They kept on asking where they could download free movies.

So I made a .bat file called "free movies". It had a nice icon and everything. And placed it on their desktops.

What did it do?

Kept spawning message boxes that read "do some math bitch" and opening new instances of the calculator.

It was too brilliant to see people watch their computers crash, and might I add, crash slowly, because these computers had tons of ram.

Never click on "free movies" kids.

We were doing some temp work, and a girl we were working with had gone out to talk to her boyfriend on the phone.

1. Flip screen orientation 180 degress
2. Take screenshot
3. Set that as wallpaper and flip back
4. Hide icons, hide taskbar, move taskbar to far right edge
5. Invert mouse movement
6. Invert mouse buttons
7. Flip back 180 degrees, everything looks normal.

Sit back, relax and watch the show.

P.S. she gave up, we had to fix it.

When they are fumigating the office and the boss says they need to spray some more around the programmers desks.

Gotta love it when your boss has a sense of humour.

A conversation with our network/system admin.

Me : Can I install linux on my computer, windows is slow and terrible.

Him : No, if you use anything but Windows in this company, you will be fired for bypassing our security protocols. Its written in your contract.

Me : *boots up my Macbook*

No, stop playing that shit, for fuck sakes.

No one want's to listen to your music with you, especially not that hillbilly crap you are listening to right now.

I'm trying to fucking concentrate. Time to stop, turn it off. You fucking twat.

I have this old lady that I help from time to time with her computer issues.

She is nice, so I feel compelled to help her.

Get a call one day.

Lady : "hello, my internet and email isn't working, I've tried everything, could you maybe help me?"

Me : "Sure, ill come over after work and check it out"

*arrive at her house*

Lady : "you see, none of the web pages load, and my email refuses to sync. Should I call (insert isp name), or can you fix it?"

Me : I'm sure I can get it, gimme a sec.

*find the issue in a sec or two, dunno how to tell her about it, she isn't totally stupid*

Me : "Uhh, I don't know if you checked, but the ether.. internet cable isn't plugged in"

Lady : *realizes the wtf moment I'm having, obviously feeling very stupid*

Me : "Don't worry, happens to the best of us"

Obviously I lied a little, most of us would probably check the damn cable. Sometimes is just better to make people not feel like its their fault. People learn better when they don't feel like something is making a fool of them.

I have helped this lady with so many things that are just straight out of this world.

The one time she tried emailing 37mb tiff files over her 315kbps network.

Another time she said her email was not syncing, so I went to her house and clicked the "sync" button.

She even once phoned me to get their wifi password.

I just like helping her, somehow it makes me feel as if we all have something to learn.

Random : Hey you're a programmer right?

Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*

Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.

Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.

*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*

Random : How did you do that?

Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.

Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.

I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.

I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.