Fucking clueless products owners.
Him: "I want a mobile app - how long"
Me: "Depends, what should it do?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Well what problem should it solve?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Who's it for?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Well I can't help you then!"
Him: "I need an estimate for my business plan"
Me: "OK - put 'eternity' down, and we can work backwards from there"

Jackass

Product Owner: "need this doing in 6 months, can you do?"
Me: "we're too busy to start another project at the moment - can you wait about 6 months for it to start, or I'll have to hire more devs"
PO: "I'll just outsource it"

36 months later the company he outsourced to is out of business and hasn't delivered, and I've had their half-finished shit show git repo dumped on me.
No comments, no docs, and no units tests, so no fucking idea what it's supposed to do

Brand new xps 15 9570 - i9, gtx1050 ti, 4k.
2 days old, and uncontrollable screen flickering. How is it {{current year}} and dell still pull this bullshit on their fucking flagships

Fucking precious fragile snowflake dick heads.
Some bot beats a contact form captcha and an email with "offensive" content gets into a mailbox, and they're immediately shouting to HR that we're not protecting them from it.

Bitch, we'll NEVER be able to shield your super special self from all the big nasty bad men on the net - GET THICKER SKIN YOU THUNDERCUNT

One more fucking whine like that, and I'm gonna get far more offensive than your fucking inbox

Product owner: "I want these 6 epics delivered in 12 months"
Me: "can't to that with 2 devs, need more"
PO: "how many?"
Me: "can't say, you haven't spec'd them"
PO: "how do you know 2 devs can't deliver them?"
Me: "educated fucking estimations you fucktrumpet - at least 2 of them look like 6 month projects for 2 devs, so you need to pay for more resource!"

Me: "hey CEO, that product that's only had 3 devs on for a couple of years has grossed a million brit bucks 2 years running. Any chance we could get some laptops for the team that aren't heavy as fuck and 4-5 years old. Maybe some monitors that aren't tiny and dull as fuck?"

CEO: "no"

Also, what's people's dream dev gear?

public Geopoint(double latitude, double longitude)
{
Latitude = latitude;
Longitude = Longitude;
}

Me: "why is the longitude always 0"

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Good job that didn't make it onto Nuget... oh, wait, yeah it did.

In the market for a new keyboard and mouse setup - my work provided ones are awful.
Only requirements are must be wireless, either Bluetooth or unified receiver, and UK layout
Any recommendations?

Wrote myself a flight stability controller for a drone I built - used an ultrasonic sensor for altitude so it should've maintained a constant altitude, but I had the throttle increments too high...
Hooked up the battery - off it fucked, hit the ceiling, bounced off a wall, and broke 2 props before I could grab it and yank the battery off.

Protip - if you're building a drone, tie it to a heavy fucking rock for your first flight test!

Accidentally left a test line in an API method - the first line returned a 200 OK response.
It was a notification API for our payment portal, so when they complained our API didn't work our logs always said all was fine...

After an hour of listening to our help desk guys saying "everything in our logs says it's fine", I looked at source for 2 seconds, fixed the problem, went home, had a whiskey and went to bed!

Your code quality is pajeet tier.

You consistently make poor design and architectural choices.

Your project has maintained 50 plus unresolved bugs for about 6 months, and yet you're consistently under delivering against what you commit to.

Other developers refuse to work with you.

So tell me again how you feel you're an effective lead developer

Main branch running locally - fine
Main branch locally connected to QA dB - fine
Main branch on QA server with QA dB - NOPE

OK - build main locally, push to QA server - fine
WTF.jpg
Main build by build server, push to QA - nope

Rebuild QA vm and dB - build main, push to QA - nope

Turn on full server logging - PASS.

MAXIMUM WHAT

Genuine 1 line function found in a production system:

private bool NotExists(int typeId) {
return !collection.Any(item => item.typeId == typeId) ? false : true;
}

I can't decide how many double negatives are involved here!

The moment when you see "block chain" on a client's road map, but they can't tell you what that is or what they want to use it for

Working on an application - everywhere an enum should be is a database table instead.

Me: What happens when someone changes "rejected" to "approved" in your status table?

Me: What happens when you re-seed your database and the indexes for your types are different?

All problems, with no time or scope to fix!
USE A FUCKING ENUM

Tester raises bug:
"Error when loading application in Opera 11.1"

Current Opera version - 48

No tester. Just. Fucking. No