!dev (Please, don't take this very seriously, I'm kind of burnt out)

I'm not having a good time.

I can't even write a post to properly explain how I feel.

I feel disappointed by life and by myself in many levels. Life is disappointing. I am disappointing too.

I'm having issues to focus, can't even write a couple of lines of code.

Time to listen to some emo lofi and write about how much I hate myself.

I wished I didn't feel these feelings.
I wished I didn't regret so many things I did or didn't do.
I wished I could fucking understand everything I read, but I don't, everything I read is gibberish, every paragraph makes me feel like I'm drifting in a storm.

I wished I was happy with my career, with my job. I wished I had a true friend.
I wished I could finish one goddamn fucking project for once.

I wished there was something that made me unique, but I don't think there's any.
I just feel like an ant, and that I don't really matter.

I don't feel like I'm someone at all, I feel like I'm experiencing a dream, and a rather boring one.

Programming used to be challenging and fun for me, but it has become this dull and stressful ordeal.

The internet has shown me that I don't matter really. I remember being a little kid and believing that the internet would not discriminate you, that right from the comfort of your house you could connect to people and be cared for, and collaborate in something.

But every year that passes I see that I was wrong. I have tried to put in time into people, I have asked people how they're doing, I have cared for their projects. But there's no reciprocation.

The internet itself has become a thing where the big fish only matters. The top 1k users will get 99% of the attention.

Fuck nurture, rule competition.

What's the point of creating a github project that you think it's cool? No one will give two shits about it, it won't make a goddamn difference whether you push it or not.

You know what fucking matters? If you're an apple or google developer and have thousands of followers.

Bla, bla, bla, I'm depressed...

IF ONLY DOCUMENTATION WAS IN ENGLISH

In the past I've seen documentation that is great, and documentation that is conspicuous by it's absence.
Over the last decade, I've noticed documentation is getting WORSE.
I believe the reason for this is that those tasked with creating documentation have become so accustomed to the jargon in their own heads that they have LOST THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH, and as a consequence simply don't bother.
New terms such as "ThingamyJig" are defined as "A Collection of ThingamyJigs" — so you end up going round in circles and get back to square one.
They make little or no effort to provide simple examples.
If only companies who create languages understood that those who wrote the language may not be the best people to write the documentation.

At age 6 I was deemed as an idiot savant. Coding is boring for me now. Age 7-10: I worked for an underground agency that was focused on harvesting people's organ data from MRI machines to predict the economic future. 10-14: I experimented with smoking crack to increase finger efficiency. Since then I've quit, and I've been living in Miami trying to create a lofi industrial folk album using nothing but a TI-84, some wire, and an old fender amp.

My anxiety is over the roof. I have keep 3 media players simultaneously playing Pink noise, Sounds of raindrops and lofi hiphop just to keep my brain grounded.

I don't have any friends. :(

Coding + coffee + LoFi music + raining = perfect

Some lofi music

discord and related software closed or in some do not disturb mode

And a general idea on what I need to do when I start

Good sleep helps too

What music do you devs listen to while coding?

I listen to Jazz, lo-fi, and other slow, melodic instrumentals with minimal/no vocals

Sometimes i motivate myself by going on youtube.com and searching this exact "A day in the life of a software engineer"
then i watch a couple of videos during breakfast and lunch time

and search pretty much anything to do with software development
and also listen to some Lofi beats