AboutAm Debeleper. Many good. Such code. Dev good. Manager Bad.
Joined devRant on 4/29/2021
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Recruiter: So you’re in Canada?
Dev: One sec let me check
*Points webcam out window at ongoing blizzard*
Dev: Yup, that looks like Canada to me
Recruiter: Ok I am just confirming
Dev: Me too8
> Find cool repo on GitHub
> Works very well
> Respectable weekly downloads
> …Hasn’t been updated in a year
> …Owner from Shanghai, China
> …Hasn’t pushed to any repo in over a year
> Last profile update: Feeling sick 🤒
> Rest in peace friend, thanks kindly for the time you’ve saved me.15
Interviewer: Here is the interview challenge. Tell me what the expected output is. You have 5 minutes.
** 100 line class with 4 async methods that contain if/thens nested 4 layers deep that call each other and log things to the console
Dev: Ok wow this is a bit of a maze to work through but I’ll try my best.
** 1 minute later of reading through the code
Interviewer: One minute has elapsed. There is now 4 minutes remaining.
Dev: Actually could you please not interject with time updates like that while I’m reading code? It makes the challenge harder than necessary. Just letting me know when the time is up would be fine.
** ~2 minutes later trying to comb through this spaghetti mess
Interviewer: What do you think are you getting close to figuring it out?
Dev: Why did you suddenly start adding random whitespace to the end of all of the files in your PRs?
Manager: IT’S NOT RANDOM!
Manager: That’s a way I came up with for tracking my contributions. Every time I edit a file I add a line of whitespace at the bottom so it’s clear to everyone how much and how often I’ve contributed to the team. Although I haven’t been doing it this entire time so I had to make up for this by adding more to files that I *know* I’ve touched a bunch before. Just think! Especially with how big my PRs are compared to everyone else the tally of my contributions is going to get huge!
Reddit: Every developer eventually either goes insane or becomes a farmer.
Dev: …I hope I become a farmer19
Interviewer: Hello my name is Alyssa from Sheeple and my pronouns are she/her
Dev: Oh yeah I saw that in your email
Interviewer: Ok well I am just letting you know they are still the same
Dev: Thanks for that.
Interviewer: What are your pronouns?
Interviewer: Oh…ok. Let me know if that changes.
Dev: I promise you it won’t
Interviewer: Well you never know!
Interviewer: Do you know what Kubernetes is?
Dev: Yeah, that’s the greek god of spending money in the cloud.
Interviewer: Actually Kubernetes is an orchestration tool. Have you not been on a project that uses it yet?
Interviewer: Hello I’m calling for your phone interview now
Dev: You’re about an hour early calling but I can accommodate
Interviewer: Well it’s more convenient for me to do it now
Dev: …Alrighty then.
Interviewer: So I am from HR 😇*pause for effect*
Interviewer: Um, typically candidates start the interview by thanking me for consideration for this role.
Dev: Your job description was very vague so I don’t really know what I would be thanking you for.
Interviewer: 😡. It’s me that’ll be determining whether or not to pass you on to The Management.
Dev: …The Management?
Interviewer: Yes 🤗.
Dev: I’m no longer interested *click*.13
Manager: You know you did good this week, take the entire day off tomorrow
Manager: Yeah my treat.
Dev: Can you send that to me in an email?
Manager: ….I mean yeah, but I don’t see why that is necessary
*** About halfway through The next day
Manager: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOU HAVEN’T COMPLETED A SINGLE TICKET TODAY OR REVIEWED A SINGLE PR OR EVEN SO MUCH AS ATTENDED THE STANDUP. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
Dev: You said I could take the day off today?
Manager: YEAH BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY TAKE IT OFF!! I WAS GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW DEDICATION TO THE COMPANY BY COMING IN ANYWAY BUT NO YOU THOUGHT YOU’D JUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR GENEROSITY AND HAVE AN ENTIRE DAY TO YOURSELF?! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, THERE ARE URGENT TICKETS ON THE BOARD!
Mac: Hello welcome please sign in
Dev: Fair enough
Mac: Oh you haven’t signed in in awhile please get get verification from other device
Mac: Oh you don’t have a dev account, please sign in on this website
Mac: In order to sign up for a dev account you need to download this app
Mac: Are you sure you want to open this app you just downloaded?
Mac: In order to sign up for a dev account on this app you need to sign into it
Dev: For the love of god
Mac: Ok now you can build with Xcode.
Xcode: No you can’t. You have to sign in
Dev: fuck sakes.
Mac: Are you sure you want Xcode to access files on your computer?
Xcode: Signing in isn’t enough you have to select the fact you are signed in a dropdown nested 3 menus deep.
Dev: God damn.
Xcode: Build failed please sign in to phone as well.
Phone: New sign in detected, please verify with alternative device.
Xcode: Build success! Pushing to iPhone.
Xcode: Unknown error occurred. Please go to support.apple.com for help. :)
So because of the sheer number of interviews I’ve been doing I’m starting to get a bit brazen with them since I’ve started to really not give a fuck about most of them and I’ve started to notice patterns in common lines of questioning resulting in this unexpected gem today:
Interviewer: So we always start our devs off on the bottom end of our salary band.
Dev: Either give me the top or I’m not interested.
Interviewer: 😡. But if we start you at the top of the salary band we’ll have nothing to give you later. 🥺.
Dev: No need, I’ll take the money up front. Companies don’t give raises these days anyway, it’s just a carrot to dangle in front of the naive.
Interviewer: 😡. Well if all you care about is money so focussed on money you’ll just leave if a better offer comes around!
Dev: All the more reason to give me the highest number possible to defend against that possibility.
Interviewer: 😡. But there are other devs on the team with similar experience that will be making less than you.
Dev: Sounds like they fell for the negging and guilt tripping you are currently attempting on me in order to save a buck. Salary is not based on your skills or experience anymore, it’s based on your ability to negotiate. Here’s mine.
Interviewer: ………………. I’ll pass you along to the hiring manager.
Dev: ???? wtf
HOW THE FUCK DID THAT ACTUALLY WORK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I WAS TRYING TO GET THEM TO HANG UP FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND NOW I’M LOOKING AT A 20K RAISE ALL BECAUSE I CONTINUALLY TOLD THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES??? THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT IT TAKES TO BE TREATED PROPERLY BY A COMPANY???16
User: There’s a bug in the app
Dev: How do I reproduce it?
User: I don’t want it reproduced, I want it fixed!
User: *Clicks on staging environment*
Giant Warning Dialog: YOU ARE CURRENTLY ENTERING THE STAGING ENVIRONMENT
App: *Completely different colour, I’m talking bright unsightly yellow*
Giant Yellow and Red Flashing Banner at the Top of the Screen: WARNING YOU ARE CURRENTLY USING STAGING, THIS AREA IS FOR TESTING ONLY
User: The production environment sure is acting strange today. It’s a weird colour and I don’t recognize any of the data, it’s all just dummy filler data. I better create a ticket for the dev team to check o—….. no wait I’ll send an email CC everyone including the CEO and sound the alarm production is currently down and filled with giant warning messages.
Manager: OH MY GOD PRODUCTION IS DOWN DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS??? WHAT THE FUCK COULD THESE WARNING MESSAGES BE THAT’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ON STAGING! THE CEO IS BREATHING DOWN MY NECK YOU NEED TO GET THIS FIXED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!
Every 2 months without fail:
Manager: I don’t understand what the point of writing tests is. They only ever pass and when they fail we just fix them so they pass again! It’s completely redundant!!! An exercise in absolute futility!
Manager: Why did you clear the data from the database? The client is now specifically requesting it and we don’t have it anymore!
Dev: You told me to.
Manager: Well why did you listen? It’s obvious now that that data was very important and should have been kept!
Dev: Last time you told me to do something that wasn’t a good idea I tried to explain why and told me not to question you ever again and that doing so was “disrespectful” and then threatened to have me fired. So now I just go along with what you say and let you suffer the consequences of not listening.
Manager: Well don’t do that then! It’s obviously not working very well! It’s ok to disagree with me you just have to make sure that what you think is something I agree with!
Manager: I don’t understand! How come you take twice as long to do tickets as anyone else but your PRs are stuck in QA for half the time as anyone else??
In an effort to deal with the number of “top priority” tickets, management has come up with a new priority level, “urgent”, to help differentiate between tickets that are “top priority” and tickets that are actually “top priority”.
So as you can guess all tickets are now codified as “urgent”.
I’ve suggested management downgrade some tickets back to merely “top priority” as we’re clearly right back where we started with it being difficult to determine which order to do tickets in.
They’ve ignored my request as the bletherings of a clearly unenlightened peon, and have instead came up with a new priority, “mission critical” which will be reserved for the most hallowed of emerg— oh no wait everything is now “mission critical” who would have guessed?
So “Top priority” is the now lowest priority a ticket can have…Naturally.18
Interviewer: Time limit for this exercise was an hour and you took 2 hours so you fail. Best of luck next time
Dev: Look I really don’t think your assessment has a very fair time limit. The only way you could do this in an hour is by knowing what the problem was beforehand and having all these niche utilities written ahead of time.
Interview: Oh yeah we had one guy that did that, he did the entire thing in only 45 minutes! We hired him immediately!
Manager: This button is too dark, you need to lighten it. Have you no sense of design?
Dev: Hows this for an adjustment?
Manager: Wayyyyy too light now, jesus you need glasses if you think that’s good.
Dev: How about now?
Manager: It’s close, make it just a little more dark. God why does this have to take so long, do I have to hold your hand through this entire process!
Dev: There that good?
Manager: Yes that’s perfect! Send me a PR immediately so I can approve, we need to get this out ASAP, it’s critical!!
Dev: I can’t.
Dev: There’s no diff, you had me gradually adjust the colour back to exactly what it was originally.
Manager: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE IT LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THIS, I HAVE A MEETING I NEED TO GET OFF TO BUT WE WILL BE HAVING WORDS LATER ABOUT THIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR.
Dev: * In the middle of pushing to prod *
Manager: Hey btw I forgot to mention the client asked for these 5 features awhile back as a part of this update and they just reminded me about them, I haven’t created tickets yet or told anyone about this. Will these features be included in the update that’s going out today?
Interviewer: We keep having devs take off for other opportunities after a short period of time. We need someone loyal who will be sticking around for the long haul. Oh wait, you only have one dev company you’ve worked for on your resume? Yeah that’s not good, we only hire devs who have worked for lots and lots of companies.
Interviewer: For this next code challenge you will not be allowed to use the internet, or an IDE.
Interviewer: OR a keyboard OR a mouse. I will be verbalizing the code to you and you need to memorize it and tell me where the bugs are.
Interviewer: We must do this exercise to know how you are as a dev without any performance enhancing “aid”. This way we can understand where you are truly at skill-wise, and what you are truly worth from a compensation perspective.
Dev: If I get a job with you will I be allowed to use the internet and an IDE and a keyboard/mouse?
Interview: Of course you would! Getting anything done without those is just about impossible. We just need to evaluate you without them to see how good you REALLY are.
Dev: We need a better name than “Data” for this class. It’s used for displaying a set of tiles with certain coordinates so maybe TileMap would be a bit more declarative?
Manager: No I don’t like that. Data is perfectly fine, this class is for managing data so it’s perfectly declarative you just need to get better at reading code. If you have to change it then DataObject or DataObjectClass might be a bit more specific.
Just got this little stinker added to my board this morning….
Ticket Title: Weird shit going on in app
Ticket Description: (blank)
Attachment: <Screenshot of app logo>
Manager: Well what do you think is causing it?
Dev: Causing what?? This ticket doesn’t describe anything at all
Manager: Well it’s a bunch of different things! The ticket is just a high level summary. Now how long do you think it’ll take to fix?
Manager: What’s taking so long on that PR?? It’s just some small styling adjustments
Dev: No it’s not you added an entire new calendar module that doesn’t work
Manager: Ok but besides that it’s just a small couple of css edits
Dev: You made styling changes in 50 files, half of which break our mobile responsiveness
Manager: Well then STOP talking to me and FIX IT if you’re so smart.
Dev: You also added a series of filters on a table in this same PR that cause th—
Manager: OK SO I GOT A BIT DISTRACTED THE FACT IS IT ALL NEEDS TO GET DONE SO IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S ALL ON ONE PR SPLITTING THINGS UP INTO SMALL UPDATES IS JUST UNNECESSARY BUREAUCRACY AND IF YOU LIKE THAT THEN GO. WORK. FOR. THE GOVERNMENT!!!
Manager: I’m so sick and tired of you devs whining about technical debt and how it’s slowing down our progress, so here’s the deal. You have until the end of this week to eliminate all technical debt in the codebase. After that I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TECHNICAL DEBT EVER AGAIN!!!