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Manager: We need to setup the security in the Mexico server
Dev: You mean that 3rd party firewall add on?
Dev: And set up the billing on the Mexico account?
Dev: lol, sure thing I’ll create the ticket
Manager: What’s so funny?
Ticket: Build wall and get Mexico to pay for it.8
Manager: You really shouldn’t be doing that
Dev: It’s in my job description
Manager: Yeah but you still shouldn’t be doing it.
Dev: Who should I hand it off to?
Manager: We don’t have anyone else to hand off that task to.
Dev: Ok, do I stop doing it?
Manager: 😡 Of course not, it needs to get done! I’m just saying you shouldn’t do it.
Manager: How come the intern does way more tickets than you?
Dev: Because you told me to only give him the easy ones since he either can’t do them otherwise or takes too long on the hard ones
Manager: Well how is he going to learn if we only give him easy ones?
Dev: That’s what I told you when you orig—
Manager: Assign him ALL of the hard tickets on your board immediately!
*Tickets closed per day drops significantly*
Manager: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG ON THESE TICKETS!!!!!
Manager: Feature C doesn’t work
Dev: We never built feature C
Manager: Nonsense, I remember feature C clearly!
Dev: It’s still in the backlog
Manager: But we had many meetings about it
Dev: Never got put on the board
Manager: Feature C is very important!
Dev: It was never assigned to anyone
Manager: What could possibly be more important than Feature C?
Dev: All the other features you placed on the board and assigned up until now
Manager: Well I need Feature C done asap! It should be top priority!
Dev: Ok then next sprint add feature C to the board and assign it to someone
*Next planning session manager leaves feature C in backlog in favour of other tickets*
*2 days later*
Manager: What is the status of feature C?
Dev: You opted to leave it in the backlog
Manager: BUT IT SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY!
Dev: *Recieves email from manager with several typos/grammar mistakes asking to open attachment with strange name and click on tinyurl style link*
Dev: *Flags as phishing*
Manager: Hey how come you didn’t action my email?
Dev: That was actually from you?
Dev: So we’ve been working on X for about 2 weeks now, it’s about halfway do—
Manager: Btw what is the status of X?
Dev: I was just telling you
Manager: Oh, I wasn’t listening.
Dev: So as I was saying, we’re ab—
Manager: Oh and where are we at with Y?
Job Ad: You will report to leadership stakeholders on key progress initiatives and collaborate on business value add action objectives.
Translation: Have boss. Do task.3
Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?
Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.
*2 days later*
Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.
Manager: In order to increase business resiliency we will be doing cross training this week.
Dev: What does that involve?
Manager: Everyone will do everyone else’s job for one day each. After this you will all be considered trained so that if anyone can easily fill in for anyone else.
HR: Hey you really need to be more sensitive with what you say
Dev: What makes you bring this up?
HR: Well we had a concerned employee overhear you telling one of the interns that the Russian word for “approved” is “blyat”.
Company: We were able to save a couple of dollars by purchasing an entire fleet of ipads instead of iphones through our supplier!
Dev: Our users walk around an industrial facility carrying things all day, how will they carry these devices now that they no longer fit in their pockets.
Company: We can get them backpacks!
Dev: did you at least buy protective cases for them?
Company: We have to save money! Don’t worry we told the users not to drop them. Plus none of the old iphones were ever broken so this is a non-issue.
Dev: The iPhones are in cases, they drop them quite a bit.
Company: Oh, well they shouldn’t be doing that!
** They proceeded to buy the cheapest knockoff cases I’ve ever seen. At least one ipad is smashed a week now, backpacks aren’t used because of lack on convenience. All this in the name of seeming to shave off a couple bucks for a one time purchase that didn’t even need to be made, iphones were working perfectly fine. Meanwhile there are glaring issues at the company getting ignored because they get themselves continually distracted by unhelpful pet projects that address things that are not broken and often make them worse.8
Manager: We should do X with the database
Dev: That will cause issue Y
Manager: But I read an article that said that issue Y wasn’t a problem
Dev: It did?
Manager: Well it didn’t mention issue Y
Manager: We will be building a new app. THIS TIME EVERYTHING MUST BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, ANYTHING LESS THAN TOP QUALITY WORK WILL BE REJECTED!!
*Not even 2 days into the new project*
Manager: Ok that’s good enough, we can fix it later. Can you go quicker on the next feature? Just sacrifice a bit of quality so we get these tickets closed as fast as possible. I said we can fix it later. Getting tickets closed asap is top priority.
Dev: (Watches user print out screenshot of maintenance app to do list, walk across facility to printer. walk across facility to equipment and check things off on paper, then walk across facility back to their terminal and copy the findings over.)
Dev: We made the app responsive so they could do that on a mobile device. Why are they printing?
Manager: Printers are cheaper than getting more tablets.
Dev: Can we at least get a printer at each terminal so they don’t waste so much time walking across the facility?
Manager: That’s too many printers to maintain. It’s easier to just have one.
Ah the day before launch of a new app. And right on schedule the businesses is attempting to completely alter their requirements including a COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE DATABASE MODEL TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN FIXED. I wish they would share the drugs they are clearly on so I could also live in this dreamland delusion where you can turn something completely on its head right on the finish line and expect everything to go well.
Manager: Hey I think I have a solution to that performance we talked about last week
Dev: I already fixed it, it only takes 1 second instead of 30 now.
Manager: Ok but I’ve also figured out a solution. If we completely change the entire database model that one query could potentially be even faster according to my understanding of how databases operate.
Dev: I fixed it without the need for that, actually it was just a matter of better conc—
Manager: I think we should go with MY solution. Drop everything and restructure the database immediately! Be quick, as you know we launch this application tomorrow! Have an extra coffee today and just crush it out, don’t overthink this either just do it.
???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—
Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.11
Dev: What are the requirements?
Client: I want to make my boss happy so that I get lots of money and promotions.
Dev: What does your boss want?
Client: He wants to be happy
Client: Also I don’t want to expend any effort or resources to achieve this
*During a walk around to check on the users*
Dev: *Watching worker laboriously dragging pallet jack with one wobbly wheel and another wheel practically seized*
Dev: Hey that looks broken, can’t you swap it out in the maintenance building?
Worker: If you do that management will give you one that’s worse.
Dev: …This fucking company
** Worker later threw out his back, company’s corrective action was to send out notice reminding employees to stretch before doing physical tasks19
Client: Too many of our business processes take place on excel and paper! We need to modernize our business processes. Build an app that can do the main things we do with excel and paper in app form.
Dev (4 months later): Here it is
Client: Ok some of our users want to still use excel and paper so build the ability to print the app and export/import to excel so they can continue working the way they always have alongside our new app.
Dev: I need you to do X
IT: Ok we will do Y
Dev: I don’t want Y I want X
IT: Well you’ll need to go through the change request process then since you have just modified your requirements.
Recruiter: This is a 100% remote position
Dev: Good! That’s what I’m looking for.
Recruiter: But the company does require you to come into the office “on occasion”
Dev: I live 5 hours away from your office so that would be not a good fit
Recruiter: And once covid is over the ability to work remotely will be getting reconsidered. You’ll likely need to move cities in order to continue your employment with them.
Dev: Yeah I’m looking for 100% remote work
Recruit: This is 100% remote! Just with the need to come into the office sometimes now and potentially more later.
Company Motto: “Business is simple, hire amazing people and let then do their thing”
Company Culture: You can’t do that!! It’s really hard and expensive to hire people with those skills! How would we replace you or save money by continuing to not give you a raise if you did that!?1
Management: Our internal app must be 100% rigid so that we users follow predefined process flows exactly so no mistakes are made while also being 100% flexible so that users are free to go about their business in whatever way they feel is appropriate for their own unique needs. These are the requirements!
Submitted a ticket to the 3rd party IT provider today. Just like they always do they close the ticket instantly saying they did the work when they didn’t do anything.
Except this time they went one step further. They documented that they had a conversation with me and that they convinced me that I didn’t need the work done.
No such conversation occurred. I have not changed my mind nor have been given any reason to. They just want their ticket times to appear as fast as possible and are willing to lie through their teeth to achieve that.
Prepare for a shit storm motherfuckers.2
Client: We are completely unable to plan a construction project successfully. We want you to use AI to do all of our project planning for us. Our requirements are that instead of needing to spend any money or time planning we just want to press a button and have a computer instantly put together all of our project plans for us. The program also needs to identify optimizations on it’s own and change all related plans enterprise-wide. All copies of the plans should be able to be kept up to date at all times so we’re never looking at an old plan again. We also want the ability to print.
Manager : You really shouldn't be doing that
Dev : Its in my job description
Manager : Yeah but you still shouldn't be doing it.
Dev : Who should I hand it off to?
Manager : We don't have anyone else to hand off that task to.
Dev : Ok , do I stop doing it?
Manager : 😡Of course not , it needs to get done! I'm just saying you shouldn't do it.
Dev : ????????3