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Manager: I NEVER SAID THAT!!
Dev: *Brings up email where he said exactly that*
Manager: I DON’T REMEMBER ASSIGNING YOU A TICKET TO LOOK THAT UP. GET BACK TO WORK!!
Never understood people's fixation about my gender on this site. When I first had a female avatar, it was "Oh you're just pretending to be female for attention. Pretty sure you're a dude." Then I got a male avatar, "You have no real dick. Shame." Jesus Christ, it's just an avatar. I don't even give a fuck what you want to be, I have my own life.
I get this shit from the most mentally unstable people here who have trouble transitioning to another gender themselves and are not using the same avatar of whatever fucking genitals they were born with. They get upset for not being accepted, complain about discrimination, and some even show signs of pedophilia but they judge all the same.
Let me make this clear. I'm here to post shit and rant. Whatever crotch I have is none of your business because I will never fuck you and you will never have to look at it. This obsession makes me think how sad developers really are. You'd think that working in the tech field and being on the internet a lot, you'd stop believing and giving a shit about someone's avatar.
But whatever, man. Here's a few minutes of my day. I have shit to do.52
Dev: Your PR only addresses a quarter of the ticket
Dev2: *limps a commit so that now 1/2 of the ticket is addressed and creates a new PR for a separate ticket*
Dev: Your original PR only addresses half of the ticket
Dev2: *limps a commit so that now 3/4 of the ticket is addressed and creates a new PR for ANOTHER new ticket*
Dev: Your original PR only addresses 3/4 of the ticket
Dev2: *limps a commit so that now all of the ticket is addressed but two new bugs are introduced and creates a new PR for ANOTHER new ticket*
Dev: Your original PR introduces 2 new bugs
Dev2: *limps a commit addressing one of the two new bugs and creates a new PR for ANOTHER new ticket*
Dev: Your original PR still has one bu—
Manager: WOW GOOD JOB DEV2 THAT’S 5 PRs TODAY AMAZING! Dev you need to pickup the pace, you only have 2 PRs so far today. And get these PRs from Dev2 QA’d fast. He’s a rockstar!
*The 4 other PRs turned out to be equally dogshit*
Manager: Hey hurry up with QA, you’re holding Dev2 back!
"Hey can you add (feature) on this backend"
> Looks at backend
> 4K+ Lines
uhhh... is it me or our entire production is held by this single Python backend....?
This thing is running our hypervisor platform... Our IaaS platform... and it's one file....
WHAT THE FUCK5
Work: You're not allowed flexi time to accommodate your medical conditions
So anyway, I've missed the last 2 days of work because of medical conditions that could have been accommodated by flexi time.13
If I flag a bug on your PR don’t fucking do this:
if (bugOccurs()) handleBug()
Fix what is causing the bug, don’t bandaid it.
Manager: wElL yOu NeEd To ExPlAiN tO tHeM eXaCtLy HoW tO fIx It, hOw ArE tHeY sUpPoSeD tO kNoW?!
Document ur fucking code, add comments, declare ur variables/functions using names that make sense.
What kind of fucktard calls a function: fct
Oh and if you're wondering, fct takes 2 parameters: arg1 and arg2
Im gonna shoot myself21
My boss wanted to hide the web application source code from the browser dev tools, he wanted to force the clients to use an electron portal for the application and block the access from any other browser.8
I wasn’t even looking for a job, I just went out for drinks with friends and I met this random dude. I complained to him about work wanting us to go back to the office, to which he replied that I should go work for them because they’re remote and looking for people. I had a look at their openings and they had a role with fewer responsibilities and a lot more money, so I applied. It’s been 3 months and I’m so glad I switched.5
I broke the toilet seat on day 2 at the office and have been watching it get worse and worse until it silently got replaced two weeks later.
Til that Linus Torvalds is one of us. When he made his initial commit of Git's code on April 7th 2005, he added a file called README. The first paragraph is fucking awesome...Read on..
(Note for the uninitiated: He created the git)
GIT - the stupid content tracker
"git" can mean anything, depending on your mood.
- random three-letter combination that is pronounceable, and not actually used by any common UNIX command. The fact that it is a mispronunciation of "get" may or may not be relevant.
- stupid. contemptible and despicable. simple. Take your pick from the dictionary of slang.
- "global information tracker": you're in a good mood, and it actually works for you. Angels sing, and a light suddenly fills the room.
- "goddamn idiotic truckload of sh*t": when it breaks
This is a stupid (but extremely fast) directory content manager. It doesn't do a whole lot, but what it _does_ do is track directory contents efficiently.14
I nearly beheaded my colleague because he left dirty coffee cups and an open biscuit package in our robotics lab, where we shouldn't even bring food to begin with, let alone leave it to rot.
To make things worst, we had a surprise visit of people from another department, who spent 1 hour looking for the Allen wrench that was hiding under the biscuit package....11
Recently i had to interview a guy with 10 years of frontend experience for a react developer role
Me : Do you know what ecmascript is ?
Him : Yes
Me : Which version would you prefer to use and why ?
Me : (totally confused) 😶
Me : (Trying hard to not "react") Ok.
How would you "react" to this ?24
I went to the pharmacy to buy some essentials and these two old ladies have been in the first counter for a while. The other counter also has some woman in her 50's (a bit younger than the other two). I was standing there waiting while they talk about some bullshit with the cashiers for several minutes. I'm already annoyed about how inconsiderate these fuckers are when one of the two women in the first counter noticed me and talked to me.
Her: "You should go there." *pointing at the second counter*
I'm sorry, lady. Am I bothering you by patiently waiting behind you?
Me: "Someone else is there."
Her: "No, it's fine. Just go there."
The fuck do you mean? Push her off the damn counter and be as rude and inconsiderate as you are? The world does not revolve around anyone, woman. Shouldn't you be at home, you talking fossil? If COVID doesn't get you, someone else would. I swear to god, old people are the most entitled and inconsiderate creatures in this place. As soon as they reach 60, they start pulling the "I'm a senior" card as an excuse for the horrible attitude they probably had since their teenage years and expect everyone to behave like their slave. I don't mind helping them or offering them to go first in the line but come on.
Me: *sighs* "There's only one line and this is it."
Her: "Nooo, nooo."
Me: *ignores her*
There's only one line and there are big ass signs on where the only line is. I've seen people go to the other side, only to be asked to go back because none of these fuckers know how to form one line, why would they do two?
So they kept chatting about some bullshit for what seems like 15 minutes. Asking about freebies and peasant shit like that. These women are holding the line for a bunch of wooden utensils while everyone else with essentials are waiting. Who even needs wooden utensils? What the fuck?
Finally, the cashiers noticed that the lines are getting longer and they opened another counter. She said if we're not buying medicine, we can go there. Lol. Are those women even buying medicine? They have wooden spoons, for god's sake. I moved to the other counter and there's a woman with a fucking basket standing where the line is. Found out that she's just there gossiping. The bitch moved as soon as she saw me.
I hate going out. I fucking hate it. I will just hoard all the shit I need and never go out ever again. Don't bother commenting if you're just gonna preach. I don't give a fuck about whatever excuses you can give on behalf of these elders. Don't try to argue with me about morals either. I don't have any. Call me an asshole, whatever. The lockdown was amazing when they disallowed these fuckers from going out.23
Real life job interview…
Manager: what about this problem? Could you solve it? (Showing me a problem about scanning a 2d array to find a value written on a piece of paper)
Me: sure! Just give me a piece of paper and I will write a solution.
Manager: no need for that. I don’t have the knowledge to check that anyway… if I wanted you to solve it I would have called one of my programmers.
Manager: do you have any question about the company?
Me: What do you exactly do in the company? I wonder what is the purpose of a person that makes questions about things he doesn’t know.5
A teacher from high school.
I finish the assignment early, shit on everyone’s head in terms of speed and performances and this guy first praises me, then slams the keyboard with random chars, letters and weird shit in an application which was supposed to only accept numbers.
“But… the requirements said…”
“I’m your manager and I am dumb af. Trust me, this will happen a lot irl.”5
Dev: This is the first version of this new app, we’re still experimenting with how it’s going to work but initial headway is looking promising. It cost very little to make, came together very quickly and is already resulting in productivity increases for users. We’re just doing a bit of code cleanup now and we’ll make a move on the next iteration.
Corporate IT: This project is being completely mishandled! In order to successfully build an app you have to determine every single requirement beforehand! It takes millions upon millions of dollars due to the complex system of governance and approval that needs to exist. Massive numbers of stakeholders need to be involved and coordinated to even make so much as a login screen! I bet your project doesn’t even have a documented list of core values.
Dev: Has you ever successfully built an app using that methodology?
Corporate IT: 😡 That’s a loaded question. I went to school to study project management and have over 25 years of experience in the field. If you had the training and experience I do you would know that tech projects are naturally very volatile and there’s nothing you can do about that!
I'll point names today
Boss: Quick! The Xero integration is not working anymore!
Xero Documentation: place your client secret in the HEADERS
Me: * places client secret in headers *
Xero API: Bad Request!
*creates new client secret*
*1 hour of trying*
* places client secret in request body, not in headers *
Xero API: Ok!
UPDATE YOUR DOCUMENTATION
TELL US ABOUT IT IN THE CHANGELOGS5