Clickbait will never change.
It's the most stable and constant source of mild annoyance.

2019 internet:

"These 3 programming languages will net you the highest salary"
"Ten home improvement tips using nothing but recycled underwear"
"How to cut onions like a real chef"

2020 internet:

"3 programming languages to learn while being bored in self-quarantine"
"Ten ways to use underwear as facemasks during the pandemic"
"Onions might cure corona, click here to learn how to cut them"

2030 internet:

"These 3 programming languages will increase your chances of survival in the wastelands"
"Ten ways to patch up your shelter against radioactive ashes using old underpants"
"Hydroponic onions are a good source of nutrients. Here's how you cut them with your camping knife"

A wild Darwin Award nominee appears.

Background: Admins report that a legacy nightly update process isn't working. Ticket actually states problem is obviously in "the codes."

Scene: Meeting with about 20 people to triage the issue (blamestorming)

"Senior" Admin: "update process not working, the file is not present"
Moi: "which file?"
SAdmin: "file that is in ticket, EPN-1003"
Moi: "..." *grumbles, plans murder, opens ticket*
...
Moi: "The config dotfile is missing?"
SAdmin: "Yes, file no there. Can you fix?"
Moi: "Engineers don't have access to the production system. Please share your screen"
SAdmin: "ok"
*time passes, screen appears*
Moi: "ls the configuration dir"
SAdmin: *fails in bash* > ls

*computer prints*
> ls
_.legacyjobrc

Moi: *sees issues, blood pressure rises* "Please run list all long"
SAdmin: *fails in bash, again* > ls ?
Moi: *shakes* "ls -la"
SAdmin: *shonorable mention* > ls -la

*computer prints*
> ls -la
total 1300
drwxrwxrwx- 18 SAdmin {Today} -- _.legacyjobrc

Moi: "Why did you rename the config file?"
SAdmin: "Nothing changed"
Moi: "... are you sure?"
SAdmin: "No, changed nothing."
Moi: "Is the job running as your account for some reason?"
SAdmin: "No, job is root"
Moi: *shares screenshot of previous ls* This suggests your account was likely used to rename the dotfile, did you share your account with anyone?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because could not see"
Moi: *heavy seething* so, just to make sure I understand, you renamed a dotfile because you couldn't see it in the terminal with ls?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because it was not visible, now is visible"
Moi: "and then you filed a ticket because the application stopped working after you renamed the configuration file? You didn't think there might be a correlation between those two things?"
SAdmin: "yes, it no work"
Interjecting Director: "How did no one catch this? Why were there no checks, and why is there no user interface to configure this application? When I was writing applications I cared about quality"
Moi: *heavy seething*
IDjit: "Well? Anyone? How are we going to fix this"
Moi: "The administrative team will need to rename the file back to its original name"
IDjit: "can't the engineering team do this?!"
Moi: "We could, but it's corporate policy that we have no access to those environments"
IDjit: "Ok, what caused this issue in the first place? How did it get this way?!"

TFW you think you've hit the bottom of idiocy barrel, and the director says, "hold my mango lassi."

A conversation I had today with my mother-in-law (replace with any boomer).

Me: When did you get this 4G home mobile internet subscription?

MIL: About 3 years ago.

Me: What's the max speed on it?

MIL: No idea.

Me: What are you paying for it per month?

MIL: Not sure.

Me: Ok... Can I see your last bill?

MIL: Hang on, it's on the drawer somewhere with all the other million paper bills I get because I don't know email billing has existed since 2001. Let me dig through it.

Me: You should sign up for email billing...

MIL: What if I forget because I don't see the email?

Me: You don't check your email?

MIL: No because all I get is spam...

Me: You should use a second email for spam.

MIL: How do I know which is spam?

Me: Umm... Anyway about that bill...

MIL: It's $29,90 and it's 10Mbits.

Me: Yeah sounds about right, these speeds are bad and that's definitely a very old plan... There are plans for 50Mbit for $14,90 now. You should swap.

MIL: But this is fine for me.

Me: Literally what?

MIL: I don't need it any faster.

Me: You spend all day watching Netflix and YouTube and you're paying for the HD plan and you don't have fast enough speed... Also when you do that, no one else can use the internet, nothing will load for us.

MIL: You've never had a problem with it before when you were both here.

Me: Because we've never stayed here longer than like 2 days, and usually we use our mobile hotspots but I need to connect some devices via wired now.

MIL: Why do you need to do that?

Me: Never you mind. Anyway, both your daughter and I would like the internet to be at least a twentieth of our home internet speed... Not a hundredth... Plus it's literally $180 cheaper per year.

MIL: I think having slow internet is nice (she actually said this).

Me: We don't, and wtf no one thinks slow internet is nice... Really you should upgrade. They'll probably end support for this plan soon anyway because it's so old (half lie). Also $180 is a lot of money to save.

MIL: If they haven't after 3 years then I doubt they will and they'll just change my over automatically, won't they?

Me: Yes but they probably won't offer you anything remotely as good as if you asked yourself. Why won't you swap?

MIL: Oh I don't know. I don't understand any of the things they ask on the phone.

Me: You can do it all online. You signed up to Netflix without any problems...

MIL: I'll think about it.

Me: Okay and I'll think about mowing the lawn and digging those few new garden beds you wanted.

--------------------

1 hour later (to her daughter)

MIL: Oh so I got a 5 pack of these 100 decorated serviettes and they were 25% off.

Me: But you won't save $15 a month and get 5 times faster internet to satisfy your daughter and her partner.

--------------------

Some more hours later

MIL: (to my partner) Can you ask pythoninrelay why Netflix isn't working?

Me: It seems to be because I'm downloading some stuff.

MIL: Can you do that later?

Me: Nope.

MIL: Okay how long is it going to take?

Me: At this rate, about 13 hours.

MIL: What? What on earth takes that long to download!

Me: Quantum Break (it's 100GB)

MIL: Is that a show? Can't you watch it on Netflix?

Me: No and no it's not on Netflix.

MIL: Well this just won't do! It's not going to work if only one person can use the internet at a time!

Me: ... So you'll swap the internet over?

MIL: That'll solve the problem?

Me: Pretty much.

MIL: How long will it take to swap it over?

Me: Probably about an hour, but definitely less than 13 hours.

MIL: Can you just download that whilst you sleep?

Me: We have dozens of other things we need to download and I need to reprovision my home server. Can you watch Netflix whilst we sleep?

MIL: ...

Me: Just give me your laptop and let me change this shit for fucks sake! It was your fucking idea that we all quarantine here. Even if we didn't NEED to swap it, you should think about being proactive enough to make use of my talents and ask me how you can save money and get a better deal on stuff like this anyway.

MIL: I don't care about getting deals on stuff like this.

Me: Yeah nah, but fucking serviettes are worth bragging about right? Hand me the fucking laptop. I won't ask again or we're leaving, quarantine or not.

--------------------

Not even 35 minutes later, the plan speed silently increases and we're enjoying 100Mbit internet and it's the same price she was paying for 10Mbit. All this fuss and she didn't have to lift a finger...

We've succeeded in making a world where boomers can just live in total selfish comfort and where it's painful for them to consider someone else's needs, even temporarily. Especially if they don't get to brag about it.

Hey devRant. What the fuck is up?

I'm new and just wanted to say hi or whatever. I don't even work in any computer science related job. I'm a fucking welder.

I have aspirations one day to be just like you nerds. I fall asleep at my desk almost every night taking random online programming classes which I lose interest halfway through to some OTHER class and redo the same shit.

Is this what it's like to be smart?

Client presentation. Analyst is working from home. She stands up for a split second and reveals she is not wearing pants.

I have coronavirus. Went to ER because I couldn't breathe Sunday night. Thought I was fucked. I decide to try to work a couple hours today because I'm getting restless. I'm an associate and have been on a project about a month. No prior software job.

Anyway. They ask me to clone a repo and run some tests. Cool, I can do that. They give me another example to look at to make sure I'm running the test right. Except the test files aren't attached to the email nor is the path to them provided.

I ping the other associate developer on Skype and ask for the test files and get a passive aggressive response that they're in the email. No, they're not you fuck stick, hence why I'm fucking asking you, and given that I almost fucking died a couple days ago, you should be fucking grateful I even logged on. Motherfucker.

Ok I feel better now.

So, I was out cruising in my sports car the other day. Porsche, two seater, about 400 hp.

When I stopped at a red light I was next to a man driving his family of four in his Volkswagen. I revved my car to show my power, but he seemed unfazed by my superior engine. When the light became green I floored it, he didn't have a chance of catching up, I just left him behind and laughed. He's so stupid for driving that slow car.

I can't understand why anyone would ever want to drive a Volkswagen when they are just so obviously slow?

👆This is how you sound like when you compare languages only based on how fast they are.

*company introduces no overtime pay during coronavirus*

"I've hit my monthly hours so what we doing for the rest of the month?"

Boss: "basically, we thought you could work for free" 😂 😂

That's not an ERROR. That's a SUCCESS.

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..

Just because our classes are online now doesn't mean you should make your exam literally 5x harder than the in class one was you fucking bow tie wearing penis head looking cunt.

There's a literal global pandemic going on for fuck sakes. It's not like we asked to have it online fucking jackass.

#TheCoronaEffect

Before Corona: (Work From Office)

Boss: Let's have a call.
Me: Sure, allow me some time I am assisting the team on a new feature in the app.
Boss: Ok, ping me as you get free.

----------------------------------------------------------

Now: (Work From Home)

Boss: ***Calls for the 15th time in a day...***
Me: (With Bleeding Ears) Yes sir, am here...!
(Having to pick up every single time as he knows you've got nowhere to go 'coz the whole city is in LockDown)
Boss: ***Talks for another 1 hour with screen share***

My Boss is a bigger threat to my health than Corona now!!!

#GoCoronaGo

Why people keep installing shit on their computers and then asks me if I can fix their PC that "randomly" stopped to run as fast as before?

If you, fucking retard, installed combos of 2 or sometimes even 3 antivirues, the worst ones by the way (e.g. Avast + Norton + Avira), some bullshit utilites like BoostMyFuckingPC 9000, SpeedMyGPU, etc. it's normal that it doesn't work, especially if you have a low end laptop with Intel i3 and 4 GB of RAM…

And it's not true I'm a magician if I make it work properly again, I just undone the fucking decisions you made when you started to search on bing how to increase FPS in LoL…

Fuck you, and fuck me because since we're friends/relatives I HAVE to help you little bastard.

When you work from home and your manager wants a word with you.

Unable to fetfh data..
Invetory..
Mencache..
Coutry..

This codebase is my NIGHTMARE. Abandon all your common sense and throw away your education. I thought I've spoken enough when the other developer asked what the problem was and I said, "The code looks like a maze, to be honest." But I spoke too fast. Not only is someone's project structure so avant-garde that it can't be understood in a three dimensional world, it's also so damn hopeless, not even Jesus can save it.

Imagine debugging this fecal matter and before you even go through an in-depth investigation, you are halted by something as simple as searching for a variable. Ah, you want to know how they're fetching (sorry, "fetfhing") the country code? Simple enough, search for "country". No results? You dummy, it's "coutry"! Come on, how can you not know that?!

Oh, you want to correct all the trash? Too bad I stuck with the misspellings and dragged it all the way to my test cases. You want to proceed anyway? Well, I don't know. Do you have access to the other repositories that also use the APIs in this code that return those fucked up responses and will probably fail because I spawned this monster of child and I'm sticking to it up to the very end? Are you sure you want to do that, you little bitch?

I'm seeing red. I think my eyes are bleeding.

Stupid javascript.
Stupid hoisting-oblivious "frontend devs."
Stupid browser-specific javascript behavior.
Stupid thrown-together javascript minifier that literally only strips out whitespace and comments.
Stupid poorly-written javascript spamming my api.

Time to rewrite it. Grumble grumble. Soo not how I wanted to spend my morning-turn-afternoon.

Leading to the last but not least:
Stupid me forgetting javascript's quirks.

Classic Wordpress:

1. Find a problem
2. Throw 2 to 6 plugins on the problem.
3. Admit, that they don't fix the problem either.
4. Implement some crappy workaround yourself.

But: It could get worse. You could use Joomla as CMS. Same shit, but without the available mass of plugins.

know what pisses me the fuck off? when the manager of another department jumps over me and goes straight to the head of my department for a request that they want from MY department.

Currently, there are 2 stupid bitches that insist on doing this fuckery. One of them keeps getting owned by our DBA since for whatever reason she sends her requests to me, just for the DBA to remind her that I ain't giving her access to shit and bla bla

The other is the head of the human resources department. It goes like this: sends wrong data, task gets delayed cuz we have to sort her shit, gets impatient, bitches at head of department and his boss about us taking long(bitch 3 hours ain't long and your shit ain't critical) just for me to reply back with images and LOOK FUCKTARD YOU MESS THIS UP red arrows showing how what she did was wrong and I had to fix it for her.

Sends a reply back only to me saying thanks, ah no pendeja, I will forward aaaaaaall of that shit to everyone else, tried throwing me under the bus? well now ima do it to you.

And fuck those 3 applications you requested, have fun adding shit manually through spreadsheets and then go eat shit and die.

Company: Govt says you should stay home to prevent spreading the disease. PLZ WFH.

People start to WFH.
VPN gets overwhelmed.

Me: Cannot connect to VPN.

Boss: Then go in the office!!!

Me: Uhh...

How the fuck have I not been using GO!

What bullshit wizardry is this!!!

I think I'm in fucking love!!

Sorry php, it's been a long long relationship, but I think I have a crush on this hamster. 🥰