A tcp packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “you want a beer?” and tcp packet says “yes, a beer” .

In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.

A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.

A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”

When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs.

IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave…and you don’t get any beer either…” 

The worst part about token ring jokes is that if someone starts telling one while you are telling yours, all joking stops.

The great thing about TCP jokes is that you always get them.

The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them.

I would tell some UDP jokes too but I never know if anyone gets them

The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them or not.

I had a funny UDP joke to tell, but I lost it somewhere...

The sad thing about IPv6 jokes is that almost no one understands them and no one is using them yet.

I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted.

A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!

DHCP jokes only work when there is only one person telling them

The worst part of SSH jokes is that, even when they're not funny, you suck it up and just pretend they were anyway.

The problem with token ring jokes is you need to wait your turn to laugh

I’d make a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if anyone’s actually listening…

Requirements vs Delivery - Guide to Programming
This one is a killer and I've received it in multiple forwards in office email, and we always have a good laugh seeing this joke.

Client: “Our next requirement, and this is something big you know, we need an elephant”
IT Team: But why don’t you adjust with a buffalo, even it is big…. and black?”

Client: No, we need an elephant only, let me explain our current process……” (client explains for an hour)
IT Team: Fine, I understand your requirement. But our system supports only a buffalo…

Client:We need only an elephant!
IT Team: Ok, let me see if I can customize it for you”

Requirements are taken as follows:
Client wants a big black four legged animal, long tail, less hair. Having trunk is mandatory. The same was documented, signed off and sent to offshore for development!

At the Offshore Development Centre,

Design/Development – Based on requirement all features are supported in base product (as buffalo), for trunk alone a separate customization is done.

Finally the customization is shown to client:

Always makes me laugh that if you don’t have a Mac you clearly aren’t a proper web developer to most people 😂 (I used to use Mac but switched)

Me: *Pulls out my windows laptop to do some web development work*

Friend: How can you use that to develop with, you’re supposed to use a Mac everyone knows that. What do you even code in?

Me: I write everything in word and then transfer it to a Mac to test as obviously the internet only works on Mac.

Friend: oh right .. that makes sense, probably easier just to buy a Mac though isn’t it?

Me: ....

Time to get a new friend 😩

Don’t you just love it when you do the following in a prod database 😅

UPDATE table SET someImportantField= NULL; WHERE abc = 123;

If I don’t laugh right now I’m going to cry.

!dev

After almost a year of watching and experimenting (and not wanting to believe), I’ve learned something about the people i work with:

They don’t consider ideas based on the idea’s own merit, nor does a good idea improve their views of the person proposing it. They instead give the idea merit based entirely on who proposed it. It’s backwards.

• If they like or revere someone, their ideas cannot be bad, and they are never questioned even if they don’t make sense.
• If they sort of like someone, but that person challenges someone they like more, the ideas are dismissed and picked apart, and sometimes even reworded by the group and then accepted, with credit then given to the group. The person is still seen as wrong.
• If they dislike someone, none of their ideas are good, or they’re ignored, or ridiculed for reasons such as stating what is (only now) an abundantly obvious good idea.

(There is some overlap from the execs, where they occasionally consider an idea for its merit and then restate it, which means the idea is now coming from an exec, and is therefore readily accepted. Occasionally the original person gets some credit for this.)

It also applies to pictures of food in the cooking channel. If people like you more, they like your food more, while a professional-looking plate from a social leper gets ignored.

It’s like office politics, but applies to virtually every aspect of company life instead of just promotions, requests, and project assignments. It’s like replacing common courtesy and reason with a social FICO score: your contributions are only acceptable if you agree with your coworkers, laugh at their jokes, etc. And if you appear to like the same music, have recently posted more pictures of tacos or brownies than usual, etc.? Well, you had better do that before suggesting something you actually care about.

It’s social credit.
And it’s stupid.

I guess we should call him HackerMan

“Like herding cats.” I’ve heard this out of the mouths of PMs and other management types. No shit that’s what it’s like because cats aren’t herd animals. It’s what happens when you put some of the smartest people in your company at the bottom of a hierarchy, and then have some doofus manage us that reads inspirational leadership blogposts all day.

We will undermine the shit out of your shit, and you won’t even know it’s happening.

We will make every single reprimand of yours into a joke while you’re not in the building. “Hey Joe, I’m pretty sure what you’re doing right now is spreading negativity. Don’t you know it’s contagious?”

We will game every single metric you try to use on us. We will game every single one of your leadership agendas.

When I think of these things, I laugh in my heart like Skeletor.

Found out one of the guys in one of my online groups died today. I don’t know if we ever shared a conversation outside of a group setting, but he was always kind and friendly. Always had a positive word, laughed easily, made others laugh. Regret not knowing him better. Miss him already.

Realizing I’ve been doing a poor job of connecting and maintaining connections since the pandemic started. Going to try to be better.

Life’s too short, guys.

Look here Mr Senior Tech if you don’t know 100% what you’re doing, don’t fucking touch the goddamn firewall with your fucking sausage fingers and you overblown call center team lead. I mean you need to have the confidence you would have if you were eating a banana and some one told you it was a poisonous berry, you’d laugh and eat it anyway, cause it’s obviously a banana. That’s the kind of confidence you need to have when fucking with the entire goddamn network configurations. I just went thru a 7 hour shit show because you THOUGHT you knew what you were doing. Not a damn thing was broken there. One service needed a hole in the firewall and you fucked all this beyond an easy fix. Now I’ll admit I don’t have that much confidence working with the firewall, that’s why I would fucking cal one of the companies that set it up even though we don’t necessarily have a support contract, it would have cost a lot damn less to have them work on it than for the whole company to be down and for me to have to stress over every fucking thing going (or not going) on.

Me: This software is so expensive!! I don’t have that kind of money!

Friend: Yeah I know, and it’s pretty much impossible to pirate! *awkward laugh* Not that I would know...

😂

TLDR;
Couple of years ago when I was leading small team that was aiming to deliver new application for company I worked in we were fighting for bonus during weekend. I told my coworkers that I am at work this weekend and try to meet this impossible deadline and get bonus for it cause I need this money. I don’t expect them to come since I can’t provide them nothing more then free time during work week.

Well they appeared at work.

One of directors tested application on Friday and sent email to ceo that it’s not working pointing around 20 bugs in long message so we won’t get bonus.

We closed around 50-100 bugs during weekend and I responded to email on Monday ( deadline day ) that all of those bugs he mentioned are not present on test environment version and he must tested some very old version.

Ceo called me and we clicked trough first 5 from list in his office and everything worked. I told him that deadline is Today but he refused to give us bonus to not discredit his director but proposed double bonus for squashing couple of minor remaining bugs in next two weeks.

We got this bonus and had a great laugh about it.
I also herd that this director called his qa to tell them it’s impossible of what we did.

Well those were funny times. I was young, earning shitty money and had nothing to lose.

If u you don’t have empathy towards me as a coworker, you are my enemy and I will laugh at your failure and defeat.

Wtf is wrong with AWS CDK? I add one EC2 instance and it deletes all my queues and api resources, then fails to create my EC2, does some fucking rollback then attempts and fails at some fucking rollback clean up.
So it nuked my entire fucking stack because why?
Because FUCKING WHY JEFF. WHY IS YOUR ROCKET SHAPED LIKE A PENIS AND WHY IS YOUR SHITTY FUCKING DEPLOYMENT SYSTEM FUCKING WITH ME LIKE THIS.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been doing this for months now. I really don’t know whether to laugh or have a mental break down.

Complete Disaster Kunt. That’s what I’m calling this shit from now on. I just don’t get how it can fuck itself up so much

Spent more than 15 hours working on a very complicated Sharepoint workflow (don’t laugh, I had like four people telling me what they needed). I pitch the workflow and they’re like yeah it’s awesome except for everything that you did!

So I had to delete two parts of it, and am now essentially rewriting it from the top. I feel like dying and coming back just to haunt these people.