Manager: "we need an SQL database"
Dev: dude does he even know what he's talking about
Dev: "so which color?"
Manager: "idk well I think a blockchain has the most RAM"

So apparently this is an official company in the UK

If you don't know SQL, then just mention NoSQL in your CV.

Don't forget the WHERE in the DELETE FROM.

Interviewer: (on the phone) do you know what SQL injection is?

Me: Are you a cop?

So I went for interview today.
.
.
Interviewer : Can u give some theory test about php?
Me : Sir, Can u please open your site?
Interviewer: sure 🙂
Me : Sir, I just logged in as Owner of ur company, Your site is not protected from sql injection.

Interviewer : 😌😌
Me : Sir, test?? 😜
xxxxxxxxxxx -------------------- xxxxxxxxx

Fucking backend "developer" decides to store data in an SQL database in a coma seperated format instead of using... fucking SQL.

And now refusing to delete an entry by ID because he has to parse every fucking row using contains () simply because "why do I need the relation? I can just store them in ome row comma seperated. It's more efficient"

You fucking retard, this is why every fucking service you make takes months to develop.You could've just "delete from x where id = y"... but nooooooo, storing comma seperated data in an SQL db is wayyyy better because now we need to sacrifice a fucking goat in order to do what could've been a 1 minute...ONE FUCKING MINUTE job!

Oh and you have to use stored procedures because you're a database optimization guru... what an idiot. Not only you can't design a db if your life depended on it, you also code in ways you don't understand.

FUCK YOU... I KNOW FRESH STUDENTS BETTER THAN YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC 6 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE... MY ASS

Fucked up an sql join once and accidentally deleted myself from the employee​ table in the prod database. So I kinda fired myself... Good thing we had backups. 😂

Mom:What are you studying?

Me:Types of SQL Injection

Mom:U r in engineering?Right?So why are u studying types of Injections?

Me:🤦‍♂️😂😂

Well I just did a SELECT CUNT from a table...
Not sure what to think about that :)

useful graphic SQL joins

Company: "We'd like to use SQL Server Enterprise" MS: "That'll be a quarter million dollars + $20K/month" Company: "Ok!" ... Company: "We'd like to use Babel" Babel: "Ok! npm i babel --save" Company: "Cool" Babel: "Would you like to help contribute financially?" Company: "lol no"

I worked on a greenfield project a couple of years ago. The company had an old solution written in Omnis (heard of it? Yeah, me neither) with an SQL database. My team was to create a completely new web based system... on top of the old database, so the customers could keep their existing stuff.

The dba was an intelligent man, one of the nicest people I've met, and over the course of fifteen years he had made a remarkably terrifying monstrosity of a database. Some years before me they wanted to "future proof" the system and make it "easier to switch to new technologies". So they moved the entire business logic into the database...

I used a tool to create a visualization of said database when we started. It had no views, only tables and sprocs. Look at it! Tables and sprocs are rectangles (well, dots) and any connections are drawn in grey lines. There were no foreign keys, so a tables only visualization only yielded a collection of independent rectangles without a single line.

Now, the stored procedures were bloody MASSIVE. A single procedure that only registered a new interested party and attached them to a property had 2500+ lines and over 150 parameters.

Also, this dba added features and fixed bugs by logging into the respective customers production server and writing SQL.

That database is the stupidest thing I've ever seen a developer do.

SQL injection in nutshell

😂😂😂

I worked at a place where the help desk guys did the good ol' "I'll send an email from your laptop if you walk away without locking it and tell everyone lunch is on you" routine. After it happened to me about 3 times I was like, "I gotta get this help desk prick back!" So after several failed attempts at walking by his pc when he walked away it instantly hit me how I can punk him back.....SO, I logged onto SQL Server, clicked open a new query window and typed up a dbmail command and on the @from parameter I set it to the help desk guy's email address. His face was PRICELESS when I was shooting off emails to the entire IT dept on behalf of him WHILE he was sitting in front of his PC. Lesson is: don't fuck with dev help desk dude! 😎😜

When you see a web service API accepting a SQL query in one of its JSON fields and the evil starts growing within you..

DROP ALL DATABASES

Just because you can!

Just found out there's a legit Dutch DJ call "SQL".
Guess what type of posts he's being tagged in mostly?

Sql inception

If you thought your legacy code was bad, this is what I'm dealing with. The below SQL is stored in a cookie on login and executed to on every further request to determine the user / privileges.

SQL injection

Why did the SQL query stop working?
.
..
...
....
.....
It was part of a UNION.

Lol this guy literally asked me to use My OWN sql

Some mouthwatering SQL right here

..Sure, I..I can try that.

DO NOT USE LOWERCASE IN SQL, STUPID.

SELECT *
FROM World
WHERE "Someone"
LIKE "%YOU%"

They wanted me to write my name....

Guy I work with: Hey can I borrow you for a minute

Me: sure. What do you need?

Him: so this is a project me an the other dev worked on

Me thinking: Well I know he did it all and sent you the project so don't tell me you worked on it

Him: so we use it to do this and this and send an email to this new account I made because (2 minute explanation)

Me thinking: I don't care. Just tell me what your issue is! I already know what it is and does from what you told me the last time when you showed me. Which took an hour of my time.

Him: so he sent me this code which is called <Descriptive name> and in the method we have variables call <descriptive name> and it returns a <variable name>

Me thinking: You mother fucker! I don't give a shit what your method is named, what it the variable names are, and you don't need to read through every line of code to me! Just from the descriptive name you just said I know what it does! What the fuck is your issue!?

Him: we also have these other methods. This one is called <Descriptive name> which does...

Me: are you fucking seriously going to read me your code line by line and tell me what you named your variables AGAIN!?

Him: and we named this one <descriptive name>

Me: you mother fucker...

Him: and it calls this stored procedure. (Literally opens the stored procedure and shows me) and it is called...which has parameters called... And it is a select query that inserts

45 minutes later after he finishes explaining all 3 pages of his code and his 5 stored procedures that the other dev wrote...

Him: So anyway, back to this method. I need to know where to put this method. The other dev said to put it in this file, but where do you think I should put it in here? Should I place it after this last one or before it?

Me thinking: You fucking wasted my fucking time just to ask where to place your mother fucking method that the other dev sent to you in a project with only 3 files, all less than 500 lines of code with comments and regions that actually tell you what you should put there and 5 small stored procedures that were not even relevant to your issue! Why the fuck did you need to treat me as a rubber ducky which would fly away if you did have one because you didn't have an issue, you just didn't know where to put your fucking code! FUCK YOUR METHOD!

Me: Where ever you want

Him: Well I think it won't work if I placed it before this method.

I walked away after that. What a waste of time and an insult to my skills and really unchallenging. He's been coding for years and still can't understand anything code related. I'm tired if helping him. Every time he needs something he always has to read through and explain his shit just to ask me things like this. One time he asked me what to name his variable and another his project. More recently he asked why he couldn't get his project he found online to work. The error clearly stated he needed to use c# 7. His initial solution was to change his sql connection string. 😑

He should just go back to setting up computers and fixing printers. At least then he would never be in the office to bug me or the other dev with things like this.

How to deal with mysql errors :

Option 1 : Write better queries
Option 2 : ALTER TABLE

"We use production DB in testing, so be careful with it"

To anyone that isn't sanitizing the input on their websites: I know where you live. You told me, remember?

Discovered one of the worst db designs ever:

- A cust is inserted in a table.
- The insert trigger is fired, calling a stored proc
- The stored proc being called creates a dynamic sql that builds a create table statement for 8 different tables. These tables will be postfixed with the newly-created cust id and is executed.

When querying info for a cust, a stored proc is used that accepts an id value would be appended to another dynamic sql that creates a select statement across all 8 tables for one customer.

Shoot me now.

Way back when, someone named a critical table in our schema as plural, not singular. So it's a Dogs table not a Dog table. No other table is like that. In any case that forced our Hibernate entities to also be plural.

Dogs dogs = new Dogs() ;
List<Dogs> dogss = blahblah

You get it. And yes dogss is what collections of Dogs entities are called.

Today I found out why the table is plural. It never dawned on me before, but the name of the table is Orders. The name of the table is Orders, you see, because Order is a reserved word in SQL. So clearly, there is no way to name your table that.

A SQL clause walks into a bar, he sees two tables and asks: "can I join you?"

This is not a joke ...

We had issues with lack of disk space on our production SQL server. Another developer decided to delete the databases he thought weren't in use to clear some space.

Ever think about checking first?!

Production chaos!

4 years ago, during our college, a friend of mine was explaining us about hacking using simple SQL injections. He showed us some of the sites he hacked. Out of curiosity we tried it on college internal website it worked. We had access to all the details of all the students in university, and even the lecturer's information. We informed the management , they were shocked on seeing this. They had just spent 25 lakhs for this website couple of months ago.

Okay, just because I'm the only one under 35, single, and only white/hispanic guy on this team doesn't give you the right to interrupt me mid sentence IN my meeting. No disrespect to the developers from India and this may just be a culture conflict where I am outnumbered in my company but I don't understand the how some of these guys can't just be polite or respect others opinions(this is just from my experience with 90 or so developers from India and I don't believe in blanketing all Indians as this way just these 90 plus I do love the food).

Don't hijack MY meeting and then completely derail where I was going and disregard my solution without listening to the whole thing for an idea that isn't even solution but adds more work for both parties involved. You may have been working here for 5 years, but I worked in the actual department where we're building the new process and solution to a problem I've worked on. I understand the user since I WAS ONCE THAT USER for a good 8 months. And on top of that you can barely code efficient, or complex SQL statements. You're nothing more than fucking script kiddies and this whole IT department is joke. I apologize if the rant isn't really that coherent, I'm not very good at typing rants with my adrenaline running hot.

Wait, what?!?!??

When I was 12-13 I decompiled one of those fake "Minecraft OP hacks" and hacked the hacker's gmail. Basically that virus would send the victim's data to the hacker's gmail, that's how I found his password in his code. Using his gmail I managed to change his facebook's password. Turns out he was catfishing some Norwegian (I think) model lol with 2.5k friends... And he had A LOT of dick picks in the PMs...

A year or two before that I did an SQL Injection on some website and got everyone's info (emails, passwords etc...)

I'm going name a table "the bass".
I can now drop the bass.

It bothers me more than it should when people pronounce sql as sequel.

I once had to literally hack a Joomla 1.5.x site for a client, because they did not find the passwords (hosting, cms, ftp, mysql). After 5 minutes and a SQL injection I was in like flynn.
The site was already full of hidden links to viagra sellers and stuff... 😂

My gf didnt laughed...

The legitimacy of this meme is damn too high!

Never thought I will be hired by Chinese software/hardware company located in NYC to code in languages I don't know so well. Instead of lying and saying I know everything about C, PHP and SQL, I said that I suck pretty much at everything, but I'm a quick learner and will study day and night to catch up with their practices. Now I see they have no regret about me, but I still suspect them in hiring me because there is another guy who is Russian too and we all communicate well. Our current squad is 17 Chinese, 2 Russians, 1 Americans. Guess what, I learn Mandarin quicker than PHP. Sometimes a small lie is OK, but sometimes honesty is better.

1. Buy a road
2. Name it after an sql injection
3. Have mail delivered to you
4. ...
5. Profit... I guess?

"We're going to need to migrate our database and reformat it so it works with the new app."

Translation: we've been using Excel up until this point and need you to convert it to SQL. Oh god, people.

Me trying to connect a MySQL DB with C++

SQL relationship in real life 😅😂😂

Had a fight with a teacher today, he was teaching PHP to some new students, and I was doing my own stuff, then I suddenly saw a example of his code
Unsanitized SQL query staring at me
I asked him if there was sanitization anywhere in the code
He said: "We don't need to teach that stuff, it just confuses the students, that stuff belongs to advanced course or something."
I decided to give him the facts but no, still the same statement
Next time I'm going to drop his tables😠

When you UPDATE without WHERE.

Someone's a little confident...

Someone wanted to test if the I-Scout game was capable of preventing SQL injections 😂😂

The I-Scout game is by the way an indoor and outdoor game for scouts all over the globe..

If I have to draw out a normalized database on paper one more time I think I might split myself into multiple indexes

always good for a laugh

Got hired as an SSRS engineer. Walked into work day 1 thinking I was a bad ass with my SQL joes2pros knowledge and quickly (and i mean quickly) got smacked down with what real SQL procs look like........should've renamed my title to SSRS reverse-engineer. Good times.

I always cringe when I hear people pronounce MySQL as "MySequal" 😂

Someone's having a bad day...

; DELETE * FROM Users WHERE 1=1; just checking

Easy cop out for people who wrote code vulenerable to SQL injection: It's not a bug, it's a feature that let's users search using SQL syntax.

My Database Teacher writes the SQL commands in lowercase. It really grinds my gears.

SQL: When you are updating some rows in a really old P.O.S. table,
and you use, what you thought was the primary key for the 'where' clause. And after pressing f5, it says 7451 rows updated. All while a customer was yelling at me on the phone.

It was a little stressful day. Turns out this table which stores basically all user info, didn't have a primary key.

Always use SELECT-query with the same conditions before you DELETE/UPDATE in a production database.

Me: Give me all 500 of these IDs
SQL: Hang on....

(5 minutes later)

SQL: Ok here you go!

Me: Hmm...
Me: Give me this id
Me: Give me this id
Me: Give me this id
Me: Give me this id
(Repeat 496 more times)

(1.5 seconds later)

SQL: Ok here you go!
SQL: Ok here you go!
SQL: Ok here you go!
SQL: Ok here you go!

Computers are weird sometimes. :)

Senior showing fellow intern what SQL injection is on the app the intern created :
Senior : "then I hit enter and the query get executed and...
Intern : "don't you dare hitting enter!!!"

So today I started to learn PHP & SQL for a team web development competition where we have until January to build a functioning website and showcase it to the judges! It's a little stressful but wish me luck because I'll need it..

When people say SQL, when they really mean MS SQL Server.

Dear weird stackoverflow,

What SQL knowledge do I need to hack devRant and get an avatar on here ?

According to my predecessor, nothing showcases your SQL skills quite like generating the entire page (markup, JavaScript and all) from a single 2500 line query.

Today I come across something interresting in SQL Server.

I was optimizing a report query and in the SSMS windows runned in 10 seconds for 3000 rows.

Put it to a stored procedure took me 5 minutes for getting 100 rows.

I was like WTF?

After some research I found out that the problem was that I was using the Stored Procedure parameters in the query.

Created local variables for the parameters and poof... 10 seconds again.

So if you are creating Stored Procedures in SQL Server DO NOT USE THE PARAMETERS FROM THE PROCEDURE. CREATE LOCAL VARIABLES.

...and I just deleted 2 tables of client data 😮😭😭😭 😑

Making love with SQL

Today I looked at some code from our CTO. He used plain SQL Statements with huge selects and no prepared statements.

I asked him:
1. why dont you build some helpers or even use some frameworks?
2. why are there no prepared statements?

His answer (to both questions)
We do not need that. That just uses too much ressources and time. It's more cleaner and simpler this way.

My Face: 😵

When you watch the new Jason Bourne and see people from CIA hacking a laptop from an Old cellular with a "shell code", or other people saying "use SQL to hack the database"

Hah!
I just broke my record and generated (not exported or imported) the biggest SQL file!
A massive 15.7GB SQL file monster.

I hope the import will go well.

Often happens

Did some updates to an older Web Forms website built by a previous SENIOR developer who is a notoriously horrible developer.

Now before I start, you have to understand this guy studied at a University and had been working for at least two years before I even started working. He is supposed to know the basic shit mentioned below.

This also happened a couple of days ago, so I have calmed down since then so I apologise for the relaxed tone. My next rant will contain a lot more swearing.

This fucking guy did the stupidest shit imaginable.

On the details view of a post|page|article|product|anything that would require a details view this jackass would load the data from the DB.

Using an OleDbConnection, OleDbDataAdapter, DataTable and the poorest writter fucking sql statements you have ever seen. All of these declared in the Page_Load method.

There was literally no reason for him to use OleDb instead of Sql, but he simply did not know any better.

He especially liked: "select * from tbl where id = " & Request("T") & ""

ZERO fucking checks to see if the value is even passed or valid, nothing. He did not even check whether the DataTable had any rows.

He then proceeded to use only the Heading column of the returned row to change the page's title.

Stupidly I assumed the aspx page will be in a better state. Fuck NO!

This fucktard went, added server tags to the opening of the asp:Content tag, copied that shit he used to fetch the data and pasted it between the server tags.

He did not know how to access the DataTable mentioned above from the aspx page!

He did this on every fucking project he worked on. Any place that required <%= %> to display data instead of using asp server controls, this cunt copied whatever was written in the code behind and pasted everything between server tags.

Fuck I could go on forever, but I think this is enough for my first rant.

> Young dev apprentice me pair programming with another developer
> Dude checks bug report of a customer, saying something about a "Blind SQL Injection"
> Young me asking what that "Blind" part means
> "Dunno man, maybe u gotta close your eyes when hacking this"

Guess what, the issue was never fixed

Interviewer at the end of the meet : Do you have any other queries..?

Our programming guy : of course, select * from ...

Nothing like a SQL Script failing and fucking up an important Database right before my christmas vacation...

Thus really cracked me up 😂😂

Started work on redeveloping a module for our system, I look at the database document and see two fields, one for date and one for time. Both are full date time and the data is stored like so:
Date I want to store: 2016-04-09 05:54:00
Date: 2016-04-09 00:00:00
Time: 1899-01-01 05:54:00

Just pushed a 400+ line stored procedure in production. It's fucking magic and is probably never gonna be touched because no one will understand it and because "it works".

I'm working on a stupid simple thing that allows you to find out deep secrets about your friends without embarassing yourself, and vice versa.

Two people get a check box list, here's an example

O Furry
O BDSM
O DDLG
X Vore

---

X Furry
O BDSM
O DDLG
X Vore

And once both of you have filled it out it will only tell you what you have in common.

It's nothing revolutionary, just me learning how to use Rust and SQL (Along with web frameworks and ORM stuff).

Thoughts? Should be out for a demo soon, once localtunnel is back.

Hello DevRanters!
I'm at UNI, but I'm always studying by my self.

I got to the point where I feel comfortable to start learning the BackEnd part.

I did a lot of research, and everyone says different things, and I don't trust them, I would prefer to take the word from someone on DevRant. I really can't decide, not only because of the different opinions, but also because I can't waste time on some language that It's not going to give me future.

How should I go about this? In what language should I start learning the BackEnd side?

Some people say that definitely not PHP, because it's a bad language. But other people say "learn PHP the right way, because It's not PHP that's shit, it's the developers", and they say that PHP7 it's better.
What language should I start in your opinion?

In terms of programing languages I only know JavaScript.
And I'm learning SQL at UNI, so it would be nice to use MySQL or similar as DB.

Thanks in advance! 😀

New client : we have performance issues, can you look why ?

I check the production server :
- Windows Server 2008
- IIS
- SQL Server express *facepalm*
- 80% of code is in stored procedures *double facepalm*

Me: Maybe you should buy sql server ?
*client don't seem to want to pay*
Me: :/

When you switch back to Javascript after a while of using SQL and dont see the error in this line..
Thanks for syntax highlighting that, firefox! I spent almost 10mins checking the parentheses and trying different combos...

Two sql databases enter a nosql bar. After 10 min they exit because they couldn't find a table

Today in a meeting, a non-dev analyst who frequently uses SQL mentioned in passing that he uses Excel as a text editor for his SQL code. I don't know what he said after that because I wasn't able to get past the fact that Excel is his go to text editor.

Am I the only one pissed by this? Wasn't this supposed to return You

Had to implement a search feature for a client so I did and told him to check it out (it was a LIKE SQL statement)

He tested it out by typing in iPhone and Phone (there was an item called iphone in the database) and he was amazed about the fact it worked for some reason.

A real answer from him:
"it's working.. how is it working?
each item is tagged to multiple keywords without the user doing anything"

I said it's just a text search but I guess I should've said I'm using an advanced AI to extract all possible terms related to the item title.

Friend asked if I have ever built authentication using PHP and SQL...

Feel like sending links for them to research how instead of having me build it for them.

Teach a man to fish...?

COTD : SQL Joins !

You know that you're working too long with SQL Server when you enter your password somewhere and press F5

1. Plans to reactor some code
2. Formats SQL nicely
3. Entire software stops working
4. After almost an hour finds string.replace() called on the SQL query matching exactly one space
5. (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

I thought SQL was supposed to be very easy? I'd like to jump off a balcony right now because of it ...
I don't know if I'm just dumb or if my sources for learning are bad or idk
maybe I'm just tired and dislike SQL

I hate SQL Server so much, don't matter how Microsoft say they improve themselves at SQL Server.

There's a lot of fucking bloat, messes your system and your services, adds tons of crap in your system registry, while more advanced SQL engines such MariaDB/PostgreSQL are more contained, and its very small.

Why SQL Server has to mess with Windows' ACL and his own privilege systems?.

Uninstall it and a lot of components remain hidden and tons of registry entries, not even TotalUninstaller or CCleaner can help.

I hate it since my technical high school and my goddamn college is forcing us to use SQL Sever for EVERYTHING, instead of good alternatives, messed my computer entirely requiring to format.

I try always to convince my freelance clients to use open-source alternatives, and say how SQL Server is so crap, (i had variant degrees of success).

Using Oracle 10g for our distributed databases practical lab session, and typed many SQL queries in one sheet.
Suddenly this guy came and told shortcut 'ctrl + r' to quickly run selected query.
And the page fucking reloaded and boom, all queries were gone! His evil laugh was more disturbing. 😡😡
Fuck him.

SQL Rule 1. Always assume there are external processes that might affect your data. (for instance, triggers).
SQL Rule 2. In Denormalised data, never execute logic on dependant table values, always copy from the parent.
SQL Rule 3. When Denormalised data schemas are created the DBA knows what they are doing.
SQL Rule 3.1. If DBA knows what they is doing then according to Rule 1 there is no problem with adding in some triggers to maintain data clones as they are created.
SQL Rule 4. If you don't like or agree with triggers, deal with it. They are a first class tool in a first class RDBMS. In a multi-app or service environment there may be many other external processes massaging your data
SQL Rule 5. If all previous rules are not broken and the system has been running efficiently for many years DO NOT complain that there are triggers in the database that are doing and have been doing the same process that you just butchered (by violating Rule 1 and 2) in your makeshift "hello world, look what I can do from my phone" angular BS when the rest of the users are still relying on the existing runtime app.
SQL Rule 6. If you turn my triggers off, you sure as hell better turn them back on!

I'm working with DATES today. Who puts a date in the db as a STRING!

Guy I work with messaging me: Hey could you check my SQL syntax to get the date part for the month and year.

Me thinking: Ughhh this is going to be something stupid I know it. Why doesn't he just check it himself?

I check it... 2 queries that are very, very, very... simple... and similar except one returns last year (2017) and the other returns the current year (2018)

Me: Not sure what your issue is... I'm not getting any syntax errors. They are executing

Him: Well it shouldn't show 2017, it should show 2018

Me thinking: learn to debug you lazy fuck

Me: Well you're adding a -1 to your year...(Not sure why your even adding to it if your just getting the current month and year)

Him: Oh you're correct! That makes sense

Waste of my time

Today in development: discovered that it's possible via combination of keys to rename a database in SQL Server Management Studio without as much as a dialog box to confirm.

Shout out to the 2000ish users in production that discovered this delightful nugget of info with me.

Lessons learned:

A) Don't trust Microsoft to create software that makes you confirm potentially catastrophic actions

B) Make sure your user hasn't been granted ALTER DATABASE permissions without your knowledge before you start using it.

When you go at your first IT internship and you realize that a SQL database could be way bigger that anything you could had imagined.

Then I showed the schema to one of my database engineer friend and he laughed at me. :(

That dumb coworker who worked with SELECT *; statements exclusively.

Helped the web developers team with SQL. Left their office like a god.

Writing sql queries on production server makes me nervous.

I really enjoy deleting data from tables 😬

I knew I had found the right group of friends when one of them suggested we try SQL Injection on the instant messaging feature of the bowling alley console.

Unrelated, do people not think, "hmm, that seems like an unnecessary feature?"

Yes, we use DATETIME to store a DATE without TIME.

During a design meeting, our boss tells me that Vertx's MySQL drivers don't have prepared statements, and that in the past, he's used a library or his own functions to do all the escaping.

"Are you kidding me? Are you insane?"

I insisted that surely he must be wrong; that no one would release a database library without built in support for query arguments. Escaping things by hand is just asinine and a security risk. You should always use the tools in the database drivers, as new security vulnerabilities in SQL drivers can be found and fixed so long as you keep your dependencies up to date.

He told me escaping wasn't as tricky as I made it out to be, that there were some good libraries for it, and insisted Vertx didn't have any built in support for "prepared statements." He also tried to tell us that prepared statements had performance issues.

He searched specifically for "prepared statements" and I was like, "You know they don't have to be called that. They have different names in different frameworks."

Sure enough, a short search and we discovered a function in the Vertx base database classes to allow SQL queries with parameters.

An example of today's generation:
My little cousin 22 years old wants to get into BI Dev. I tell him to read a certain book. The book has practice examples and various things that are hands on.

What does he do?
He READS the book and is like, "ask me any question and I know the answer". So I'm like, "fine, what's the structure of a basic SQL statement?", after some hard thought he's like, "SELECT * FROM?" I'm like, "ok.....how would you filter that?" and he's like, "you got me man........no clue".

What didn't he do?
Practice.

I mean.........come on.

No matter how logically clean and simple your SQL code is, test your data....TEST YOUR DATA.

LINQ to SQL is for people who can't write actual SQL.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

So there's that project with my coworker. We splitt up the classes, 10 to be implemented by him, 10 by me.

Fast Forward to 4 weeks before deploy.
Coworker: Your stuff logs a lot of stuff. It's not very clear and a liiittle to verbouse. 5 entries per second? Too much!
Me: Okay, you're right. Let me fix that.

2 Days later I look at his logs at runtime. He logs EVRY SQL statement and their results! In a batch that processes a 10'000 of customers!
He points out: That's useful stuff and it's not that much. It's needed for debuging.

My face: 😦

Was running low on ssd space, so I decided to have a thorough look at what was occupying all of it. First I found out that I had about 5 gigs (!) of leftovers from microsoft sql server which I unfortunately had to use once (thanks microsoft for your shit uninstallers). Then I found I still had a .gradle folder (uninstalled a while ago, maven ftw) with another 5 gigs of cache. That should give me some room to breathe.

The day after I delivered a secure programming course to our junior devs.

Junior dev: I can't figure out what's happening when I generate this sql.

Me: what do you mean generating ... It should be a prepared statement..

Junior dev: no I'm just generating the strings from the form

Me: ... Let's try this again....

Made a SQL query wich perfectly worked. Than added one collumn to be selected and everything is shit.

And the worst is I still don't know why! Ò_Ó

Please, please for the sake of your born/unborn child, check whether the names of the entity attributes are not valid sql keywords.

I'm getting really good at SQL, last year it appeared me to be very difficult but finally, it's easier than I thought

Conversations with SQL Server:

Me: TRUNCATE TABLE users;

SQLServer: Okie dokie, Command(s) completed successfully

Me: WTF SQL, u didn't even ask for confirmation

SQLServer: Well, you did type 'TRUNCATE' then 'TABLE' then 'users' didn't you. I mean how much confirmation do you need you prick.

Creates PHP scripts for development SQL server, pushes to production to find out the schemas are different. *face palm*

A one of my co-workers today said he once witnessed a 20,000 line SQL query. Is that even a thing? What does it do?

I am doing some freelance work for a client who is thankfully mindful about security. I found out that they are so strict with their access because they had a huge data breach last year.

Today I was given access to their repo for connecting to their AS400. In the docker file the username and password were included and were the same for dev and prod. They also are performing no sql injection prevention. They are just joining strings together.

My boss's SQL schema has no foreign keys and he said he left them out intentionally because they should be handled in the application layer and they're a large performance impact.

This is a fresh greenfield project and he's already pre-optimizing for problems we don't have yet, on things that may or not be bottlenecks using ideas (e.g. foreign keys have huge performance costs on mariadb/auora) with no hard data or facts to back them up.

Let's start a new project with some technical debt!

First software refactoring in the company I worked for. No test environnement because "who needs it?", no unit testing, no comments, had to make sql updates and shit, was scared all day long that something would fuck up.
"Fuck fuck fuck, forgot a part of the where !" Had to fix everything quickly so no one would notice, no coffee/smoke pauses. On top of that, got a ton of retarded requests from the PM and other technicians working with me like "hey boi, could you add an icon to every button we made? There's like a thousand, we need it for tonight, our client will come visit us and I want to show him a better interface blablabla"
And since I was an intern, I couldn't refuse, had to work like a prostitute in virgin-land, and for what?

"Oi, you did good, now do other stuff"

Who has replaced a dot with a semicolon while composing a SQL query in php? Me. 😤😤😤😤😤
Two hours spent in fixing everything and a sleepless night.

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

I'm interviewing with the data architect in two weeks' time, a self-proclaimed ninja. The chap has done PL/SQL development on SQL Server 2008 according to his LinkedIn profile. Yeah, okaaay...

How to pronounce SQL 101

I just dealt with a 3 nested "if" statements in SQL. There is no indentation so I am quite frustrated since each "if" spans up to 2-30 lines.

I now understand why Python white space is significant

I always thought the hate on senior developers doing stupid stuff was exaggerated... Mine just pulled an entire table, then used 4 for loops to reduce the records by criteria... I don't think he knows what the where statement is in SQL!

Starting learning SQL, now...~ ✨😊

I had once an sql error that took me two days to resolve it.
The error message was a syntax error but I was using an ORM to write my queries (doctrine with php) .I didn't have too much to debug as the code was pretty simple and clear so I got to the point that I convinced myself that this a bug and I'm gonna try to mess around it to avoid it.

Second day late night, something popped up in my mind '' hey what about those reserved words? Could it be the reason? '' aaaaand BINGO the key '' option '' is a fucking reserved word for mysql.

Tip : always check that list before writing your data models (specially if you're a noob like me)

Why?

SELECT ...
FROM ...
WHERE ... AND 1=1;

We've had tabs vs spaces, gif vs jif, but how about S Q L vs sequel? Which one do you prefer? I'm in camp sequel.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

OMG, look how technical can the movies go when they want to show people hacking...

Management: "You are the DBA and BI head right?"
Me: "yes..."
Management: "Awesome, so that means you can develop a quick software for me to use? It's really easy!"
Me: "Awesome, here are two options since its easy, you go make it yourself or..."
Management: "Is that sarcasm?"
Me: "...or you can ask the accountant to make it"
IT Director: "you deserved that bob."

WHERE CASE WHEN field1 IS NOT NULL THEN ISNULL(field1,NULL) END = ISNULL(field2,NULL)

So many wrongs, my wrong-o-meter broke...

Going through some pretty fucked up shit right now : a string containing an SQL query goes though a 100+ lines function full of if{} else{} with up to 5 levels of indentation, where it replaces some parts of the query with other words... 😱

FORMAT YOUR EFFING SQL!
There we go, much better.

Well SQL is literally love...

My (pseudo)code:
//Cursor1.Open ()
//Cursor2.Open ()
//Cursor2.DoStuff ()
//Cursor2.Close ()
//Cursor1.Close ()

Prof: Why do you have Cursor1 in there if you don't use it?
Me: Because it doesn't compile if I take it out.
Prof: Why?
Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I miss the shit I could get away with in grad school.

I've only been in college for 2.5 years, but oh the stories I could tell... I'll tell just one (for now), and this is not the worst of it.

Had this one instructor. She could teach and explain things well, but I'd be lying if I didn't say she was strict and often rude and flat-out a pain. Had her about every other semester.

SQL class: Using Oracle SQL and a cheap book with printing issues (my first copy was illegible), we learned about database design, management, and lots of things we can do in SQL. I learned a good bit, but then again, I was an online student and self-learned from the book.

It was near chapter 5. Literally every single student had trouble that week. I think the semester was starting to take its toll. Even I had trouble. It seems 0 of 25 students in class submitted their work by Sunday evening (this was before the COLLEGE changed the universal policy that assignments were due on Monday night (THANK GOODNESS)), so she extended the assignment to be Monday night and told the class (nevermind her assignments were dreadful and hated doing them. Fun fact: I probably still have them and can dig them up if wished).

Except she didn't tell her (multiple!) online students.

As I said, even I was having trouble that week. I ended up getting all my homework that week mixed up and thought I submitted my work. When I discovered I hadn't which was after the deadline, I asked her about it when I was on campus.

Instead of listening to my claim that she never emailed the online students, she protested claimed she did (I could have pulled up my email with proof, as could she, but she never did), said it was my fault for not submitting my work (true) and not checking that it was extended (???), that I should have be grateful she even extended it (um), she was not accepting any late work, and shrugged off everything I said.

I was likely one of (if not the) best students. To this day, that is the only assignment I've gotten a zero on. I still passed with an A, but I did my best to try to find classes without her from then on.

Up next (when I find time to type it): My first encounter with this instructor (which happened before this story) which created some sweet justice two years later.

Yesterday, microsoft showed me once again, what it means to "obey".

I tried to install Microsoft SQL Server 2012 on a virtual machine with OS Windows7.
The installation-center asked me to choose an installation-folder for SQL-Server.
No matter what, for any folder i had chosen for the installation, the setup replied with the errormessage "The installation-folder is invalid"

So i considered asking our platform-services team, whether they gave me administrative rights for the vm.
They did. I had full access to the components of my vm.

After a few days i finally recognized, that i had picked a wrong iso for the installation of sql server.

Instead of sql server 2012 + Service Pack 3, i picked sql server 2012 ServicePack 3.

So after all, Microsoft tried to tell me by showing the message "The installation-folder is invalid", that the setup weren't able to find an installation of Microsoft SQL Server 2012.

God damned!!1!

Most of the companies visiting my campus for placements are hiring people with high CGPA and less knowledge and leaving (not even allowing for taking tests) the ones with good technical knowledge with less CGPA 🙁. So I hacked the placement portal developed by a PLACED, HIGH CGPA Candidate using SQL Injection and got access to all the student accounts 😄

FUCK SQL SERVER! JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE! HOPE YOU CHOKR ON YOUR TRIGGERS AND STORED PROCEDURES AND OTHER FUCKING BULLSHIT STUFF. NOW FUCK OFF AND GO AWAY!!!!

Just created a CLUSTERED INDEX -- knowingly and intentionally -- for the first time. I feel like a frickin' sorcerer.

Hello devs, I need help from database devs.

The company where I'm interning is a non IT company, so they planned to migrate to a SQL Database from their older MS Access Database.

Since I'm the only IT intern, I'm up against the major devs and hot shots from where my company outsources IT solutions.
They suggested SQL Express.

I have a meeting tomorrow with them, please help me so that I can get better results for my company.
Basically I have to question them about how their decision works better for our firm and why didn't we go for MySQL Enterprise Edition or anything which is much better and cheaper and such critical questions.
Please help me.

The Database would be used to store information about the products manufactured and their parts' history so that in future if there's a problem with the product, it can be looked up in the database so that there can be further replacement or repair processes.

tl:dr
i fucking hate that professor for whom i have to work on laboratory project right now.

reason#1
the project is using a stack full with java. JavaScript. react and some weird facebook api of which i have no clue about. not to mention the server side of this application which uses tomcat (ok its java after all) and sql.

well that wouldn't be not so bad if...

reason#2
we wouldn't have to fucking debug his mistakes he put into the fucking prepared code AND his fucking useless instructions how to set up the project for eclipse the first time. not to mention his fucking requirements which make no sense

oh yeah im a student. i can always go and ask him for help if i need any...

reason#3
i have another 70% mandatory course at the same time and that fucker refuses to upload hos sheets in moodle and answer even one fucking question via mail. not to mention no support if I am there unless i have eclipse setup. even through the projects should be build using gradle...

reason#4
oh. and have i mentioned that this course is only about design patterns? uts not like we could see several of them in a java only application. no we literally have to learn java itself. gradle. nodejs JavaScript Extended for react which i have no clue about at the moment... and yes i especially mentioned gradle and nodejs beccause we have to set shit up and not only use a script.

reason#5
and all that wont even give us a grade. no ita simply a pass or fail part of the module which the course is part of.

have i also mentioned that the whole shit should be done in 20 hours according to the schedule

Developed an update to our database procedures and tested it with local copy. After a few days everything was ready. Opened our server and started the update. After a couple of rows an error occurred. Turns out our production db is older version and does not support some syntax I used. It became a bit longer day at work...

I've alway pronounced it sequel but everyone I know swears it's SQL, so I say that now to fit in.

I feel like a spy, lying to my closest friends everyday...

Part of my job requires me to use SQL in SQL Server and databases and Python and utilising Javascript APIs - so I was thrown in at the deep end. But my fiancé is also an amazing help as a software engineer he helps to spot my errors and encourages me to take on new challenges.

Couple of SQL databases walked into a "noSQL" bar.
But after some time they walk out...

As they couldn't find a Table... :)

I've been assigned lots of database work the last couple of weeks. Managing old databases are what make or break people surely.

The customers have this proprietary mess of a Visual FoxPro database manager.

I spent the entire day navigating what I should and shouldn't export for them (as they're fortunately trying to rid themselves of the service)

When I was supposed to do the export, the proprietary hardware only allowed exports of 25 rows at a time with the free version this big company is using... I ehr... I just regret not converting it into SQL to begin with.

My Technical lead always asks one question to new interviewing candidates. "Write a SQL query to find the second highest salary from employee salary table". It's the same question which he faced in one interview and he didn't have answered it.
Sorry for my bad English..

So back to the stories of the gentleman with his master's degree who's job I wasn't qualified for. Hope you all enjoy this gem I found in his stored procedure.

Select distinct *
From(
Select * from a inner join b on a.id=b.id
Union
Select * from a full join b on a.id=b.id
Where b.id is null
)

An inner join unioned to a full join where you exclude null values in right table creates a.....left join you fucking idiot!

When you realise a so-called app developer has used nvarchar columns to store every single date record, in every DB table of your platform.
Using d/m/Y format.
Without leading zeros.
And, in just a few tables, m/d/Y.
*sigh*

That feeling when you debug the Users table in sql, which has a Password field encrypted with hash, but most of the demo users use the same Adminadmin password, so you recognize the other users password because you rembered the hash

Are sql joins a bad practice? :o
I recently did some work on a page for a site ive never worked on cause my boss told me to. So they recently added product detail video urls to a table that has a relationship to the products table. The existing code was querying for the products on that said page and then during the loop that was outputting the products ,there was another query for getting the url for the current iteration/product. Told my coworker that this imo was pretty inefficient way to do it and switched it to a join and did 1 query then output that but his words were "The way it is now maybe ineffecient in your opinion but it works. Also combining inner joins with left or right is not a good practice. If the data is changed upstream the entire query would need to be redone to accommodate the change". Mind you that they query views a lot which are all made from queries that use joins and I'm also pretty sure these views were written by someone who used to be here because these guys are not good at sql or at least that's what there queries show. I'm at the point now where I'm realizing that my boss and this other guy don't give a fuck about efficiency or doing things the right way they just want it "to work". So this coworker changed my query back to the way it was because he said it broke the shopping cart even though that was already broken when I started... What is life? Maybe I'm the stupid one?

Today is SQL day.

Been some time since I had to go here, the queries are flooding back to my mind like water over a dam wall. How the heck I remembered these is what I pondered.

Oh well, back to SQL (at a client - yay).

Now you SQL me, now you don't.

Not much of a SQL Dev, still an apprentice and had a basic run throughs. Client needed a migration script to run, which I was assigned. Took me a good 6/7 days to make, transfer over a secure (and VERY slow) network took 2 hours. Infrastructure 3rd party took 2 days to clear and run. After all that process. I then realise, I left the fucking rollback in

When your about to start development on some tickets you've been wanting to finish, and then MS SQL management studio poops out and you have to spend the entire day re-installing/fixing your SQL DB's... Oh and now behind schedule

Made a typo when create a new view in t-sql
It's completely fucked now 🤦‍♂️

Any advice on some good SQL book or resources?

I need to start learning DB designing and theory.

I know jackshit apart from the basic commands.

Did you hear about the followup to the database movie? It's a really great SQL

When you see someone’s git repo and they’ve pushed a config.php up with live server sql credentials in!

The intellisense in SQL Server only appears about 20% of the time.

The irony

Got my “Certificate” for SQL. What do you think? I have a few other just not sure if this means jack squat despite it being a free “certification”.

Can't create a new SQL database on Azure on on one subscription as every region is unavailable. Everything works on my other subscription.

Fucking hell.

First exam this year, about database optimisation. I have been there just a week and I really enjoy this school

BUT. THIS. CAN'T. BE. TOLERATED.

I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to write SQL on paper goddamnit!!!!

(Yeah I didn't have any other pen that this red one, at least it was erasable)