Manager: "we need an SQL database"
Dev: dude does he even know what he's talking about
Dev: "so which color?"
Manager: "idk well I think a blockchain has the most RAM"

If you don't know SQL, then just mention NoSQL in your CV.

Interviewer: (on the phone) do you know what SQL injection is?

Me: Are you a cop?

So I went for interview today.
.
.
Interviewer : Can u give some theory test about php?
Me : Sir, Can u please open your site?
Interviewer: sure 🙂
Me : Sir, I just logged in as Owner of ur company, Your site is not protected from sql injection.

Interviewer : 😌😌
Me : Sir, test?? 😜
xxxxxxxxxxx -------------------- xxxxxxxxx

Fucked up an sql join once and accidentally deleted myself from the employee​ table in the prod database. So I kinda fired myself... Good thing we had backups. 😂

Mom:What are you studying?

Me:Types of SQL Injection

Mom:U r in engineering?Right?So why are u studying types of Injections?

Me:🤦‍♂️😂😂

useful graphic SQL joins

Company: "We'd like to use SQL Server Enterprise" MS: "That'll be a quarter million dollars + $20K/month" Company: "Ok!" ... Company: "We'd like to use Babel" Babel: "Ok! npm i babel --save" Company: "Cool" Babel: "Would you like to help contribute financially?" Company: "lol no"

I worked on a greenfield project a couple of years ago. The company had an old solution written in Omnis (heard of it? Yeah, me neither) with an SQL database. My team was to create a completely new web based system... on top of the old database, so the customers could keep their existing stuff.

The dba was an intelligent man, one of the nicest people I've met, and over the course of fifteen years he had made a remarkably terrifying monstrosity of a database. Some years before me they wanted to "future proof" the system and make it "easier to switch to new technologies". So they moved the entire business logic into the database...

I used a tool to create a visualization of said database when we started. It had no views, only tables and sprocs. Look at it! Tables and sprocs are rectangles (well, dots) and any connections are drawn in grey lines. There were no foreign keys, so a tables only visualization only yielded a collection of independent rectangles without a single line.

Now, the stored procedures were bloody MASSIVE. A single procedure that only registered a new interested party and attached them to a property had 2500+ lines and over 150 parameters.

Also, this dba added features and fixed bugs by logging into the respective customers production server and writing SQL.

That database is the stupidest thing I've ever seen a developer do.

There’s a SQL joke in there somewhere

Searching SQL with no index.

SQL injection in nutshell

I remember some years ago when a professor asked -
"What is the difference between SQL and MySQL?"

And one of the students answered -
Uh... I don't know... SQL is more like a general SQL and MySQL is a personal SQL...

:|

SQL injection

FML. An overreaching supergenius "architect" and a database team:

A: "We have decided that apps should use mysql. Install a MySQL so we match cloud"
DBA: "we don't have an image or experience with MySQL. We have mssql and Oracle "
A: "ok, use mssql in data center and mysql in production cloud"
DBA: "that's... not going to work well"
A: "just do it!"

...

Me, reading this shit, sends email: "ignoring the fact that we have more than 500 queries in this application which will need to be checked and most likely rewritten, how are we supposed to test the mysql queries without production access?"
A: "just use mssql local and MySQL in cloud"
M: "... Just to make sure I understand, you want us to write queries for mssql, test them locally, and then write separate queries, with a separate SQL connection abstraction that deploys to production? Again, how are we going to test this?"
A: "no, use same queries, should be fine"
M: "they really won't, they're different dialects"
A: "do the needful, make work!"

If karma were a thing, this person would have long since exploded into a cloud of atomized blood.

Just found out there's a legit Dutch DJ call "SQL".
Guess what type of posts he's being tagged in mostly?

Sql inception

When you're a sql request that has done it's job

Why did the SQL query stop working?
.
..
...
....
.....
It was part of a UNION.

Lol this guy literally asked me to use My OWN sql

Some mouthwatering SQL right here

You know you've had to deal with a tough database problem at work when you start seeing SQL in your own kitchen... (It says SOL meaning salt)

P.s. I sure hope this is how these memes work, because I want my avatar

What do vegetarian SQL users have for lunch?

VegeTABLES

DO NOT USE LOWERCASE IN SQL, STUPID.

The moment when you realize you just ran a SQL update with a ';' before the WHERE clause............fml

When 1=1-- works in SQL injection

So today my gf wanted to know if I, a software developer, know anything about SQL.

Adorable. 😍

A SQL clause walks into a bar, he sees two tables and asks: "can I join you?"

3 SQL Databases went into a NoSQL Bar.
After a while, they walked out because
.
.
They couldn't find tables there.

I recalled a seemingly simple task I took on.

We were building a booking system, and I had to figure out how to retrieve bookings by a certain date range.

Upfront, the tasked seemed simple until I realised I had to both figure out the logic and the SQL statements needed to retrieve all bookings within a certain date range in one query.

I ended up drawing a model to help me visualise the various date-range criteria to be satisfied. And used unit tests to help me think through each date range criterion and make sure they were accurate. Some were obviously from paranoia, but better to be safe than sorry...

After that, I had wrote down raw SQL directly into Sequel Pro first to make sure my query logic was accurate too, before translating into something the ORM equivalent. This was when I learned how to define and use variables in SQL. The variables were throw-away code; I just didn't want to have to hard-code the test date-ranges over and over again; minimise chances of spelling errors.

Needless to say, felt my problem-solving skills went up one level after this task. Saw my coding style and unit tests improve. And also the thought processes that go into how to maintain code quality...

This fucking stupid asshole developer, wrote every single SQL execution with string formatting. Made me a full sleepless night fixing this shit. Isn’t this a classical SQL injection sample?

4 years ago, during our college, a friend of mine was explaining us about hacking using simple SQL injections. He showed us some of the sites he hacked. Out of curiosity we tried it on college internal website it worked. We had access to all the details of all the students in university, and even the lecturer's information. We informed the management , they were shocked on seeing this. They had just spent 25 lakhs for this website couple of months ago.

So my marketing dept request us to perform a SQL injection to someone's bank account. I refuse to do it.

1. Most bank no longer use Relational Database , they use something like NoSQL Database.

2. Even if the bank Use Relational Database system, I assume their security must be high, validating my session maybe...

3. I am not going to do shit like this for illegal purposes, well this task sounds super illegal to me

4. Hacking is not a part of my job description. I was hired to be a Senior Fullstack Mobile App Developer.

This is screwed up !

1. Buy a road
2. Name it after an sql injection
3. Have mail delivered to you
4. ...
5. Profit... I guess?

It bothers me more than it should when people pronounce sql as sequel.

me: oh you can add a where clause to filter xxx out with your group by.

arrogant junior: whuuut? you can use where clause with group by ? No u can't!

me: err... yes you can...

arrogant junior: NO!!!! No it doesn't work that way!

me : okay okay... fine ...

**30 mins later**

i see a where clause in the sql statement lol...I don't know why this person is always so pissed and fierce lol

SQL relationship in real life 😅😂😂

Had a fight with a teacher today, he was teaching PHP to some new students, and I was doing my own stuff, then I suddenly saw a example of his code
Unsanitized SQL query staring at me
I asked him if there was sanitization anywhere in the code
He said: "We don't need to teach that stuff, it just confuses the students, that stuff belongs to advanced course or something."
I decided to give him the facts but no, still the same statement
Next time I'm going to drop his tables😠

SQL just feels like its screaming at me....

My Database Teacher writes the SQL commands in lowercase. It really grinds my gears.

Easy cop out for people who wrote code vulenerable to SQL injection: It's not a bug, it's a feature that let's users search using SQL syntax.

This was WAY back in my first job as a programmer where I was working on a custom built CMS that we took over from another dev shop. So a standard feature was of course pagination for a section that had well over 400,000 records. The client would always complain about this section always being very slow to load. My boss at that job would tell me to not look at the problem as it wasn't a part of the scope.

But being a young enthusiastic programmer, I decided to delve into the problem anyway. What I came to discover was that the pagination was simply doing a select all 400,000 records, and then looping through the entire dataset until it got to the slice it needed to display.

So I fixed the pagination and page loads went from around 1 min to only a few seconds. I felt pretty proud about that. But I later got told off by my boss as he now can't bill for that fix. Personally I didn't care since I learned a bit about SQL pagination, and just how terrible some developers can be.

Got hired as an SSRS engineer. Walked into work day 1 thinking I was a bad ass with my SQL joes2pros knowledge and quickly (and i mean quickly) got smacked down with what real SQL procs look like........should've renamed my title to SSRS reverse-engineer. Good times.

Senior showing fellow intern what SQL injection is on the app the intern created :
Senior : "then I hit enter and the query get executed and...
Intern : "don't you dare hitting enter!!!"

When people say SQL, when they really mean MS SQL Server.

Dear weird stackoverflow,

What SQL knowledge do I need to hack devRant and get an avatar on here ?

Hah!
I just broke my record and generated (not exported or imported) the biggest SQL file!
A massive 15.7GB SQL file monster.

I hope the import will go well.

According to my predecessor, nothing showcases your SQL skills quite like generating the entire page (markup, JavaScript and all) from a single 2500 line query.

Making love with SQL

> Young dev apprentice me pair programming with another developer
> Dude checks bug report of a customer, saying something about a "Blind SQL Injection"
> Young me asking what that "Blind" part means
> "Dunno man, maybe u gotta close your eyes when hacking this"

Guess what, the issue was never fixed

Whoever thought setting up SQL database connections through XML was a good idea needs to be put on trial. And then exiled to a deserted island so they can think about all the pain they put me through.

Two sql databases enter a nosql bar. After 10 min they exit because they couldn't find a table

so guys, how do you say SQL? "sequel" or "es-kyu-el"?

I was to optimise a SQL query (7 min to execute,yes) with around 20 joins (I did not write this). Checked for missing indexes,etc.. but nothing worked. Stared outside the window, and back to desk reordered the joins ,executed in 10 secs.

Did some updates to an older Web Forms website built by a previous SENIOR developer who is a notoriously horrible developer.

Now before I start, you have to understand this guy studied at a University and had been working for at least two years before I even started working. He is supposed to know the basic shit mentioned below.

This also happened a couple of days ago, so I have calmed down since then so I apologise for the relaxed tone. My next rant will contain a lot more swearing.

This fucking guy did the stupidest shit imaginable.

On the details view of a post|page|article|product|anything that would require a details view this jackass would load the data from the DB.

Using an OleDbConnection, OleDbDataAdapter, DataTable and the poorest writter fucking sql statements you have ever seen. All of these declared in the Page_Load method.

There was literally no reason for him to use OleDb instead of Sql, but he simply did not know any better.

He especially liked: "select * from tbl where id = " & Request("T") & ""

ZERO fucking checks to see if the value is even passed or valid, nothing. He did not even check whether the DataTable had any rows.

He then proceeded to use only the Heading column of the returned row to change the page's title.

Stupidly I assumed the aspx page will be in a better state. Fuck NO!

This fucktard went, added server tags to the opening of the asp:Content tag, copied that shit he used to fetch the data and pasted it between the server tags.

He did not know how to access the DataTable mentioned above from the aspx page!

He did this on every fucking project he worked on. Any place that required <%= %> to display data instead of using asp server controls, this cunt copied whatever was written in the code behind and pasted everything between server tags.

Fuck I could go on forever, but I think this is enough for my first rant.

So, part of my job is working with SQL. Not my favorite technology to work with. But the tables have mostly non-descript fields, multiple schemas in the same table, and encoded relationships spanning multiple tables. Yes, the database from hell! On top of that, there is very little documentation on this mess. -- And my boss wants me to write queries against a combination of these tables to make sure the program is working. RIGHT...

When you switch back to Javascript after a while of using SQL and dont see the error in this line..
Thanks for syntax highlighting that, firefox! I spent almost 10mins checking the parentheses and trying different combos...

Friend asked if I have ever built authentication using PHP and SQL...

Feel like sending links for them to research how instead of having me build it for them.

Teach a man to fish...?

Where is the location of hell for bad SQL devs?

NO "WHERE"

I hate SQL Server so much, don't matter how Microsoft say they improve themselves at SQL Server.

There's a lot of fucking bloat, messes your system and your services, adds tons of crap in your system registry, while more advanced SQL engines such MariaDB/PostgreSQL are more contained, and its very small.

Why SQL Server has to mess with Windows' ACL and his own privilege systems?.

Uninstall it and a lot of components remain hidden and tons of registry entries, not even TotalUninstaller or CCleaner can help.

I hate it since my technical high school and my goddamn college is forcing us to use SQL Sever for EVERYTHING, instead of good alternatives, messed my computer entirely requiring to format.

I try always to convince my freelance clients to use open-source alternatives, and say how SQL Server is so crap, (i had variant degrees of success).

COTD : SQL Joins !

Today in a meeting, a non-dev analyst who frequently uses SQL mentioned in passing that he uses Excel as a text editor for his SQL code. I don't know what he said after that because I wasn't able to get past the fact that Excel is his go to text editor.

FUCK YOU MS SQL!

DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT MAKING ME WRITE 60 FUCKING COLUMN NAMES BY HAND WILL STOP ME FROM COPYING AN ID?

Yeah it actually will but fuck you. I want to merge data and you make this work a pain in the ass.

Bunch of cunts.

Using Oracle 10g for our distributed databases practical lab session, and typed many SQL queries in one sheet.
Suddenly this guy came and told shortcut 'ctrl + r' to quickly run selected query.
And the page fucking reloaded and boom, all queries were gone! His evil laugh was more disturbing. 😡😡
Fuck him.

1. Plans to reactor some code
2. Formats SQL nicely
3. Entire software stops working
4. After almost an hour finds string.replace() called on the SQL query matching exactly one space
5. (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

SQL Rule 1. Always assume there are external processes that might affect your data. (for instance, triggers).
SQL Rule 2. In Denormalised data, never execute logic on dependant table values, always copy from the parent.
SQL Rule 3. When Denormalised data schemas are created the DBA knows what they are doing.
SQL Rule 3.1. If DBA knows what they is doing then according to Rule 1 there is no problem with adding in some triggers to maintain data clones as they are created.
SQL Rule 4. If you don't like or agree with triggers, deal with it. They are a first class tool in a first class RDBMS. In a multi-app or service environment there may be many other external processes massaging your data
SQL Rule 5. If all previous rules are not broken and the system has been running efficiently for many years DO NOT complain that there are triggers in the database that are doing and have been doing the same process that you just butchered (by violating Rule 1 and 2) in your makeshift "hello world, look what I can do from my phone" angular BS when the rest of the users are still relying on the existing runtime app.
SQL Rule 6. If you turn my triggers off, you sure as hell better turn them back on!

Writing sql queries on production server makes me nervous.

You know that you're working too long with SQL Server when you enter your password somewhere and press F5

Today in development: discovered that it's possible via combination of keys to rename a database in SQL Server Management Studio without as much as a dialog box to confirm.

Shout out to the 2000ish users in production that discovered this delightful nugget of info with me.

Lessons learned:

A) Don't trust Microsoft to create software that makes you confirm potentially catastrophic actions

B) Make sure your user hasn't been granted ALTER DATABASE permissions without your knowledge before you start using it.

Helped the web developers team with SQL. Left their office like a god.

GitHub and SQL pickup lines.

Me (out loud in a meeting): "we currently have a SQL Express license, but the traffic with the additional servers is causing crashes when the cache fills up. We need to upgrade to the standard version.”

Follow up email from mngr planning to retire in 6 months currently making roughly 3x my salary: "See if we can get a proposal to purchase better Sequel software and install."

Me:
(-_-;) ... ಠ︵ಠ ...

┻┻︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵┻┻

SQL & Assembly: The most intuitive languages I have used

I knew I had found the right group of friends when one of them suggested we try SQL Injection on the instant messaging feature of the bowling alley console.

Unrelated, do people not think, "hmm, that seems like an unnecessary feature?"

In our databases lesson, we are going to use Microsoft SQL Server throughout the year.

This shit's setup fails at random, doesn't even start (empty error box??????) on some machines, and when it, uh, works, kinda, it's a convoluted mess.

Help.

No matter how logically clean and simple your SQL code is, test your data....TEST YOUR DATA.

An example of today's generation:
My little cousin 22 years old wants to get into BI Dev. I tell him to read a certain book. The book has practice examples and various things that are hands on.

What does he do?
He READS the book and is like, "ask me any question and I know the answer". So I'm like, "fine, what's the structure of a basic SQL statement?", after some hard thought he's like, "SELECT * FROM?" I'm like, "ok.....how would you filter that?" and he's like, "you got me man........no clue".

What didn't he do?
Practice.

I mean.........come on.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

I thought SQL was supposed to be very easy? I'd like to jump off a balcony right now because of it ...
I don't know if I'm just dumb or if my sources for learning are bad or idk
maybe I'm just tired and dislike SQL

I saw a great movie about databases today -- I can't wait for the SQL.

During a design meeting, our boss tells me that Vertx's MySQL drivers don't have prepared statements, and that in the past, he's used a library or his own functions to do all the escaping.

"Are you kidding me? Are you insane?"

I insisted that surely he must be wrong; that no one would release a database library without built in support for query arguments. Escaping things by hand is just asinine and a security risk. You should always use the tools in the database drivers, as new security vulnerabilities in SQL drivers can be found and fixed so long as you keep your dependencies up to date.

He told me escaping wasn't as tricky as I made it out to be, that there were some good libraries for it, and insisted Vertx didn't have any built in support for "prepared statements." He also tried to tell us that prepared statements had performance issues.

He searched specifically for "prepared statements" and I was like, "You know they don't have to be called that. They have different names in different frameworks."

Sure enough, a short search and we discovered a function in the Vertx base database classes to allow SQL queries with parameters.

This may be the best Stack Overflow comment I have seen when learning SQL.
How old is Frank? I don't know (null).
How old is Shirley? I don't know (null).
Are Frank and Shirley the same age?
Correct answer should be "I don't know" (null), not "no", as Frank and Shirley mightbe the same age, we simply don't know

WHERE 1 = 1

Building dynamic SQL since 1987

I'm getting really good at SQL, last year it appeared me to be very difficult but finally, it's easier than I thought

Wondering why your form isn't submitting any data to the db.
Spending half an hour checking all POST-Variables and functions in your script multiple times to see if they give the correct values (they do).
Finally realizing you wrote 'INSERT INRO' in your SQL statement.
Questioning your intelligence for the rest of the day.

My boss's SQL schema has no foreign keys and he said he left them out intentionally because they should be handled in the application layer and they're a large performance impact.

This is a fresh greenfield project and he's already pre-optimizing for problems we don't have yet, on things that may or not be bottlenecks using ideas (e.g. foreign keys have huge performance costs on mariadb/auora) with no hard data or facts to back them up.

Let's start a new project with some technical debt!

I have quite a few of these so I'm doing a series.
(2 of 3) Flexi Lexi

A backend developer was tired of building data for the templates. So he created a macro/filter for our in house template lexer. This filter allowed the web designers (didn't really call them frond end devs yet back then) could just at an SQL statement in the templates.

The macro had no safe argument parsing and the designers knew basic SQL but did not know about SQL Injection and used string concatination to insert all kinds of user and request data in the queries.
Two months after this novel feature was introduced we had SQL injections all over the place when some piece of input was missing but worse the whole product was riddled with SQLi vulnerabilities.

Conversations with SQL Server:

Me: TRUNCATE TABLE users;

SQLServer: Okie dokie, Command(s) completed successfully

Me: WTF SQL, u didn't even ask for confirmation

SQLServer: Well, you did type 'TRUNCATE' then 'TABLE' then 'users' didn't you. I mean how much confirmation do you need you prick.

The day after I delivered a secure programming course to our junior devs.

Junior dev: I can't figure out what's happening when I generate this sql.

Me: what do you mean generating ... It should be a prepared statement..

Junior dev: no I'm just generating the strings from the form

Me: ... Let's try this again....

I feel ridiculous. While learning SQL databases I ran a query that was supposed to fill up the database with test data for me to play with. The actual result?

8 GB and 330,000+ rows.

Keep in mind this database is on a remote server, so trying to delete it times out after thirty minutes. I’m submitting a ticket right now.

Turns out we doing SQL in CS now.
Not gonna lie it's...surprisingly easy(?).

LINQ to SQL is for people who can't write actual SQL.

Ok so I was fetching some JSON data from a SQL database server and loading it on the front-end. Every single data is being loaded onto the table except for a single data column, which is empty.

Hmmm... So I go and check my code... everything looks fine.
Then I console.log the JSON (using .stringify() of course), all the values from the table are present in the printed out JSON.

Ok, now I am really pissed.

Long story short...
I had misplaced a single 'i' in the SQL statement, I had included the 'í' (the i-acute) character instead. And since I was using an alias in the query statement, no error was shown.

Any good resources for sql?

Im getting heavy into databases. Im a noob but i need to reach top level quickly.

Im gonna buy 1 oelr 2 books. Im leaning towards oreillys “learning sql“.

Any suggestions?

Made a SQL query wich perfectly worked. Than added one collumn to be selected and everything is shit.

And the worst is I still don't know why! Ò_Ó

Unnamed SQL constraints are the devil.

I'm interviewing with the data architect in two weeks' time, a self-proclaimed ninja. The chap has done PL/SQL development on SQL Server 2008 according to his LinkedIn profile. Yeah, okaaay...

Please, please for the sake of your born/unborn child, check whether the names of the entity attributes are not valid sql keywords.

I'm doing databases in school now, but I couldn't wait to make one/learn basic SQL, so I made a database of the devices on the home network!

Shown here is the DB and an SQL query that was basically corrected by the program ;-;

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

Ok now I'm gonna tell you about my "Databases 2" exam. This is gonna be long.

I'd like to know if DB designers actually have this workflow. I'm gonna "challenge" the reader, but I'm not playing smartass. The mistakes I point out here are MY mistakes.

So, in my uni there's this course, "Databases 2" ("Databases 1" is relational algebra and theoretical stuff), which consist in one exercise: design a SQL database.

We get the description of a system. Almost a two pages pdf. Of course it could be anything. Here I'm going to pretend the project is a YouTube clone (it's one of the practice exercises).

We start designing a ER diagram that describes the system. It must be fucking accurate: e.g. if we describe a "view" as a relationship between the entities User and Video, it MUST have at least another attribute, e.g. the datetime, even if the description doesn't say it. The official reason?

"The ER relationship describes a set of couples. You can not have two elements equal, thus if you don't put any attribute, it means that any user could watch a video only once. So you must put at least something else."

Do you get my point? In this phase we're not even talking about a "database", this is an analysis phase.

Then we describe the type dictionary. So far so good, we just have to specify the type of any attribute.

And now... Constraints.
Oh my god the constraints. We have to describe every fucking constraint of our system. In FIRST ORDER LOGIC. Every entity is a set, and Entity(e) means that an element e belongs to the set Entity. "A user must leave a feedback after he saw a video" becomes like

For all u,v,dv,df,f ( User(u) and Video(v) and View(u, v, dv) and feedback(u, v, f) ) ---> dv < df

provided that dv and df are the datetimes of the view and the feedback creation (it is clear in the exercise, here seems kinda cryptic)

Of course only some of the constraints are explicitly described. This one, for example, was not in the text. If you fail to mention any "hidden" constraint, you lose a lot of points. Same thing if you not describe it correctly.

Now it's time for use cases.
You start with the usual stickman diagram. So far so good.
Then you have to describe their main functions.

In first order logic. Yes.

So, if you got the point, you may think that the following is correct to get "the average amount of feedback values on a single video" (1 to 5, like the old YT).
(let's say that feedback is a relationship with attribute between User and Video

getAv(Video v): int
Let be F = { va | feedback(v, u, va) } for any User u
Let av = (sum forall f in F) / | F |
return av

But nope, there's an error here. Can you spot it (I didn't)?

F is a set. Sets do not have duplicates! So, the F set will lose some feedback values! I can not define that as a simple set!

It has to be a set of couples, like (v, u), where v is the value and u the user; this way we can have duplicate feedback values in our set.

This concludes the analysis phase. Now, the design.

Well we just refactor everything we have done until now. Is-a relations become relationships, many-to-many relationships get an "association entity" between them, nothing new.
We write down on paper every SQL statement to build any table, entity or not. We write down every possible primary key or foreign key. The constraint that are not natively satisfied by SQL and/or foreign keys become triggers, and so on.

This exam is considered the true nightmare at our department. I just love it.

Now my question is, do actually DB designers follow this workflow? Or is this just a bloody hard training in Pai Mei style?

Starting learning SQL, now...~ ✨😊

Holly shit, they will never understand....

If you come to dev, minding his buissness, writing some code, beeing focused, with headphones on, etc. You absolutely destroy his cache of things in mind, you stay next to him gazing at his screen and throwing away madly words that you need some data extracted from database NOW and you will stay standing next to him gazing when he quickly types few lines of ultra-wide screen of SQL querry with all the fucking joins and shit you wanted with exac aliases you understand and makes one typo but query executes and spits out some data. He didn't notice that something is wrong with it becouse he didn't memorize database's data, and he sends it to you.

Now you are coming back to him pissed and in general fighting mood becouse he did one fucking typo when you was actively pressurizing him to make fucking query faster while you absolutely destroyed his flow of work (in meaning he now needs to dive back into code, figure out why he was editing given file and what was idea for further structure)

Now you are standing again next to him and absolutely pissing him off that he fucked up and made one fucking typpo that unfortnately database didn't say "nope" but it instead spit out wrong data.

If you can relate to "you" stated above, sincerly fuck you.
If you can relate to "he" stated above, I feel ya man, its fucking annoying, isn't it?

I never knew that I was a good mentor at SQL , specially at PL/SQL.

I gave a task to a new member of my team, to fill 5 tables with data from other 15 tables.

I informed him well about data table info and structure. He spended about 3 days to create 25 different queries in order to fill 5 tables.

After I saw the 25 queries, I told him, that he could do it with 1 main query and 5 insert statements.

So I spended 1 hour of training, in order to build,run and explain how to create the best sql statements for this task.

(First 5 minutes)
It was looking so simple at the beginning from starting with 1 simple join, after some steps he lost my actions.

(Rest 55 minutes)
I was explained the sql statements I 've created and how Oracle works.

Now , every time he meets me, he feels so thankful for learning him all those Oracle sql tips in 1 hour.

Now he is working only with big data and he loves the sql.

A one of my co-workers today said he once witnessed a 20,000 line SQL query. Is that even a thing? What does it do?

Welp, this made my night and sorta ruined my night at the same time.

He decided to work on a new gaming community but has limited programming knowledge, but has enough to patch and repair minor issues. He's waiting for an old friend of his to come back to start helping him again, so this leads to me. He needed a custom backend made for his server, which required pulling data from an SQL/API and syncing with the server, and he was falling behind pace and asked for my help. He's a good friend that I've known for a while, and I knew it wouldn't take to long to create this, so I decided to help him. Which lead to an interesting find, and sorta made my night.

It wasn't really difficult, got it done within an hour, took some time to test and fix any bugs with his SQL database. But this is where it get's interesting, at least for me. He had roughly a few hundred people that did beta testing of the server, anyways, once the new backend was hooked in and working, I realized that the other developer he works with had created a 'custom' script to make sure there are no leaks of the database. Well, that 'custom' script actually begins wiping rows/tables (Depends on the sub-table, some get wiped row by row, some just get completely dropped), I just couldn't comprehend what had happened, as rows/tables just slowly started disappearing. It took me a while of checking, before checking his SQL query logs (At least the custom script did that properly and logged every query), to realize it just basically wiped the database.

Welp, after that, it began to restrict the API I was using, and due to this it identified the server as foreign access (Since it wasn't using the same key as his plugin, even though I had an API key created just so it could only access ranks and such, to prevent abuse) and begin responding not with denied, but with a lovely "Fuck you hacker!" This really made my night, I don't know why, but I was genuinely laughing pretty hard at this response.

God, I love his developer. Luckily, I had created a backup earlier, so I patched it and just worked around the plugin/API to get it working. (Hopefully, it's not a clusterfuck to read, writing this at 2 am with less than an hour of sleep, bedtime! Goodnight everyone.)

I had once an sql error that took me two days to resolve it.
The error message was a syntax error but I was using an ORM to write my queries (doctrine with php) .I didn't have too much to debug as the code was pretty simple and clear so I got to the point that I convinced myself that this a bug and I'm gonna try to mess around it to avoid it.

Second day late night, something popped up in my mind '' hey what about those reserved words? Could it be the reason? '' aaaaand BINGO the key '' option '' is a fucking reserved word for mysql.

Tip : always check that list before writing your data models (specially if you're a noob like me)

How to pronounce SQL 101

Whole class: makes an sql database using phpmyadmin. Simple, easy, meets the requirements
Me: fuck it. Use python with pyqt5. And Microsoft sql server Spend unnecessary hours on making repetitive functions, cause my stupid ass can't figure out how to pass more than one parameters in class methods.
All in all, it looks good. I feel like I did something, learnt something new. Took on a challenge. Its a wierdly good feeling, somewhat rewarding.

Creates PHP scripts for development SQL server, pushes to production to find out the schemas are different. *face palm*

Writing SQL queries in a controller should be illegal! 🙄

I just dealt with a 3 nested "if" statements in SQL. There is no indentation so I am quite frustrated since each "if" spans up to 2-30 lines.

I now understand why Python white space is significant

Does anyone else find it super-confusing how Microsoft refers to SQL Server versions by both product year and version number?

For instance, we primarily use SQL Server 2012, 2014, and 2017, which are versions 11, 12, and 14 respectively.

The slight mismatch between the product year and the version number creates a lot of ambiguity. If someone refers to SQL Server "14," we always have to double-check: do you mean 14 as in version 14 as in 2017, or 14 as in 2014 as in version 12? Does SQL Server "12" mean 12 as in version 12 as in 2014, or 12 as in 2012 as in version 11? It's ridiculous!

Starting out as a developer: I don't know why people are so stingy about tags on Stack overflow

Now: This guy tagged this question with SQL Server but is asking about Postgres I don't know how to help this guy out

Yesterday, microsoft showed me once again, what it means to "obey".

I tried to install Microsoft SQL Server 2012 on a virtual machine with OS Windows7.
The installation-center asked me to choose an installation-folder for SQL-Server.
No matter what, for any folder i had chosen for the installation, the setup replied with the errormessage "The installation-folder is invalid"

So i considered asking our platform-services team, whether they gave me administrative rights for the vm.
They did. I had full access to the components of my vm.

After a few days i finally recognized, that i had picked a wrong iso for the installation of sql server.

Instead of sql server 2012 + Service Pack 3, i picked sql server 2012 ServicePack 3.

So after all, Microsoft tried to tell me by showing the message "The installation-folder is invalid", that the setup weren't able to find an installation of Microsoft SQL Server 2012.

God damned!!1!

FORMAT YOUR EFFING SQL!
There we go, much better.

dude 1: Why is the sql sentence so slow? How can I improve it?
dude 2: buy more ram memory to database server

Who has replaced a dot with a semicolon while composing a SQL query in php? Me. 😤😤😤😤😤
Two hours spent in fixing everything and a sleepless night.

Company A: Oh yes we work with this huge tech company all the time and our APIs are just amazingly well made! DONT WORRY!

Company B: Yeah we've worked together once or twice and nothing seemed to go wrong the last time. DONT WORRY!

Reality: 11 API warnings, no data transfer and a SQL error meaning nothing I've been working on actually worked. #Rantover

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Most of the companies visiting my campus for placements are hiring people with high CGPA and less knowledge and leaving (not even allowing for taking tests) the ones with good technical knowledge with less CGPA 🙁. So I hacked the placement portal developed by a PLACED, HIGH CGPA Candidate using SQL Injection and got access to all the student accounts 😄

Looks like copying large file e.g. 1GB from Remote Desktop Connection will also affect SQL Server performance and somehow slowing down the SQL transaction 100000x times

What a new thing to experience😆

Couple of SQL databases walked into a "noSQL" bar.
But after some time they walk out...

As they couldn't find a Table... :)

Any advice on some good SQL book or resources?

I need to start learning DB designing and theory.

I know jackshit apart from the basic commands.

Well SQL is literally love...

Today salesmen gave me some recommendations about my "so hardly optimized" SQL queries..suggestin me to change em.. I said okay, let's execute these.. 10 hours later, their computers sql workbenches finally displayed the fucking first one.

Result: 0 row... 🤐

Progress.

It isn't much, but the MVC application now reads data from the Linux LAMP server and prints the SQL data back to the client. Biggest hurdle was the fact that my Linux host blew up three times over the week, but hey, how else are you going to learn Linux servers?

Moving into spring framework self-education in July. Hopefully it's a little less painful than Apache Tomcat.

Did you hear about the followup to the database movie? It's a really great SQL

I've been assigned lots of database work the last couple of weeks. Managing old databases are what make or break people surely.

The customers have this proprietary mess of a Visual FoxPro database manager.

I spent the entire day navigating what I should and shouldn't export for them (as they're fortunately trying to rid themselves of the service)

When I was supposed to do the export, the proprietary hardware only allowed exports of 25 rows at a time with the free version this big company is using... I ehr... I just regret not converting it into SQL to begin with.

Well well well.
Story time.

Since we are working from home for the past 4 months, I finally decided to install a Microsoft SQL server on my home server. (Mostly was using Azure)

My server is running Windows Server 2012 R2.
Tried installing SQL 2019 : fail, 2016 : Fail, 2012 : Fail. Some obscure message about some DLLs not being at right version. (And a warning that it is no recommended to install SQL server on domain controller, but I know, it is my home setup, not roduction)

“Ok fine, I’ll install it on my PC instead”. Windows 10 PC. NOPE. “Cannot install on a compressed drive”. Welp, wtf ? (Of course you cannot select destination install folder, I could’ve put it on another drive).

So here I am. Working 100% on Windows, installed Ubuntu server 20 LTS in Hyper-V, Installed Microsoft SQL server on it (BTW, install is very easy compared to windows). And that shit is working. And new “Terminal” app does support SSH out of box, no need to add Putty !

So as a Windows user, I needed Linux to make Microsoft SQL techno work.

Nothing will ever surprise me anymore. (BTW it’s fucking fast. I like SQL server on Linux)

We have so much pl/sql at our company and it really sucks because the "young" generation of devs must convince the pl/sql guys to switch to some more powerful and newer languages like java.

But not everyone wants to use the new stuff or learn anything new. I mean there are some programmers who really appreciate that there is new stuff. They have no problem learning from the younger generation. But some of them just resist any change in that direction, and thats the much higher amount of devs.

Does anyone of you have such experience? What can i do against that?
Is that some kind of "i am too old for this"-trip?

Jira: code formatting vs SQL. AYFKM?

The intellisense in SQL Server only appears about 20% of the time.

Made a typo when create a new view in t-sql
It's completely fucked now 🤦‍♂️

Not much of a SQL Dev, still an apprentice and had a basic run throughs. Client needed a migration script to run, which I was assigned. Took me a good 6/7 days to make, transfer over a secure (and VERY slow) network took 2 hours. Infrastructure 3rd party took 2 days to clear and run. After all that process. I then realise, I left the fucking rollback in

When it comes to choosing a database,  What is the best for a Java project?

1.SQL - MySQL
2.NoSQL- MongoDB

1 problem down, 3 more show up.
I love SQL.

In other news, client won't send data to utilize, so I must fill in dummy data.

How's your day?

Just saw this question on quora asking if saying ess-kew-ell is an indication that someone doesn't know SQL. I say SQL because there's no goddamn ee or kwell in there YOU'RE ADDING LETTERS THAT AREN'T THERE BUT SOMEHOW I'M THE MORON?!?!?!

APIs, APIs, APIs... I feel like building an API for everything which goes over the wire is a must-have today! Yes it makes sense for decoupling purpose, access control etc (all the things we learned from OOP design principle books when we were in school) but come on, REST API for internal database access when there is something like SQL over JDBC/ODBC/WhateverBC ?? So I have to study the REST API documentation for applying simple where-statements but in API manner...

I've alway pronounced it sequel but everyone I know swears it's SQL, so I say that now to fit in.

I feel like a spy, lying to my closest friends everyday...

Part of my job requires me to use SQL in SQL Server and databases and Python and utilising Javascript APIs - so I was thrown in at the deep end. But my fiancé is also an amazing help as a software engineer he helps to spot my errors and encourages me to take on new challenges.

My Technical lead always asks one question to new interviewing candidates. "Write a SQL query to find the second highest salary from employee salary table". It's the same question which he faced in one interview and he didn't have answered it.
Sorry for my bad English..

Can't create a new SQL database on Azure on on one subscription as every region is unavailable. Everything works on my other subscription.

Fucking hell.

Today is SQL day.

Been some time since I had to go here, the queries are flooding back to my mind like water over a dam wall. How the heck I remembered these is what I pondered.

Oh well, back to SQL (at a client - yay).

Now you SQL me, now you don't.

Captains Log:

Day 2 of trying to get SQL database to work with JDBC application.

I've built a try/catch method and it throws up the message that IntelliJ can't find the JDBC driver.

More research to be done. My first officer duck buddy has no input for me.

It's going to be a long day.

Any code should be simple and easy to read / understand.

I just reworked an old stored SQL proc.

Went from 102 lines to ... 10.

More I code, more I realize that maintainability, readability, comments and unit tests are more important than actual code. (And performances ofc. But if 1 line code does it in 1 second and 500 lines code in 0.2 seconds, I’ll take one line solution every time)

I made changes to an SQL view used as the source for a pretty important integration that is built and managed by an external company. The integration failed the morning after and I was immediately blamed by the company and heard "how could you be so careless" and "how long have you worked in this business". I've been a programmer for 20+ years and done integrations for 15+ years. I know I checked the output of the view and it was identical in every way to before my changes.

After finally getting access to the integration code on "the other side" I found that it didn't read from the SQL view - it read the view definition. It also uncommented anything in the view (yes, uncommented) and ran that query.
We now have a year free of charge - which we won't need because my boss is throwing the company out as soon as we have a replacement.

I use mySQL workbench on a daily basis, but I've been having issues with the dark GTK theme not working well with Linux. Should I do a workaround to get workbench to use a light GTK theme, learn to use SQL from the CLI, or go with a third option?

I once saw a DBA using two for loops in PL/SQL to join two tables. I wonder if he knew about the "alternative" way to do that...

When your about to start development on some tickets you've been wanting to finish, and then MS SQL management studio poops out and you have to spend the entire day re-installing/fixing your SQL DB's... Oh and now behind schedule

SQL Server Management Studio: I noticed you forcefully closed the application. Do you want to recover the queries you were working on before you closed?

Me: No

SSMS: Well here you go anyway

Me: *spends 5 minutes recovering and closing files*

a sql query goes to a restaurant walks up to 2 tables and says , "can i join you"

Life of an Oracle Developer ... Day {I've lost bloody count now}

Task: Optimise a 236 line cursor consisting of 7 SQL SELECTS and unions, 39 joins and nested sub queries galore.

"YAYYY" said no one ever ...

That feeling when you debug the Users table in sql, which has a Password field encrypted with hash, but most of the demo users use the same Adminadmin password, so you recognize the other users password because you rembered the hash

Do you feel that good too when you find the perfect (any)SQL query?
I feel sooo satisfied!

SQL collation conflicts are the worst thing that has ever been made possible in humanity... it's 1000 times worse than problems with time zones, change my mind.

Fuck off whoever decided to make hundreds of different versions of the same languages.

Got my “Certificate” for SQL. What do you think? I have a few other just not sure if this means jack squat despite it being a free “certification”.

What is the purpose of using MongoDB and then adding mongoose?
If you want schemas, relations and all the jazz mongoose offers, have you considered using a RDBMS instead of a datapile system? Most (probably all) SQL databases support schemas, relations and all the jazz you seem to need.

So, ask yourself: Do you really need the functionality of a NoSQL database or do you just want it because it's shiny and new and "everybody uses it (tm)"?

I've always found it funny when sql errors "at or near" a character. I don't know enough about sql to understand why it does that (although I'm sure there a reason!)....but it just sounds like it's not trying hard enough 😂

Maybe someone smarter can explain?

i am not a SQL expert, but i can do what i need to do in order to be considered a full stack dev

the syntax i have to learn was deprecated before i was even born

I've solved hard problems before, and used languages other than Java, but for some reason I don't know how to start using SQL. I couldn't find a SQL IDE. Any suggestions on how to start working with SQL on a Linux computer?

Gosh!! Do not want to look at my shitty face in the mirror when i get to know that there is a DESC syntax in SQL for sorting data automatically even after i manually finished sorting them in Php.. #Fuckmylife #newbie

copying field data from one table to another,

wondering why the execution takes so long,

since your copying only data from three rows,

realising you forgot the WHERE clause in the SQL while working on a live database and overwriting all data with the last statement 😨

Today I had to explay to a new developer, gradueated in Informatic, that our 15 year old php application uses global variables and strings as sql commands.
It seem to force someone to prostitution.
It's just like to drive a ferrari using a double-clutching because the gear is not syncronized.
I was shamed.

SQL queries related questions in SO are so full of redundant LEFT JOINs.

Knowing SQL does not mean knowing all the existing technologies that uses SQL, motherfucker! Stop bragging around that you know Postgres, SQL Server, Oracle and shit.

IT is full of shit talkers and ego, NNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Should I learn a database language before backend, or vice versa? I’m thinking that I learning Rails and some form of SQL.

So a SQL server walks into a bar to grab a drink. He gets his drink and spots a table with two people sitting down with a spare chair. So he walks up to them and says "Hey, can I JOIN you two?"

First exam this year, about database optimisation. I have been there just a week and I really enjoy this school

BUT. THIS. CAN'T. BE. TOLERATED.

I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to write SQL on paper goddamnit!!!!

(Yeah I didn't have any other pen that this red one, at least it was erasable)

Learnt a lesson today:

Never try out new hotkeys in a SQL query editor window.

Or if you do, at least make sure it's not connected to anything important :)

I was trying out new hotkeys and accidentally executed a SQL deploy script to rename something in multiple stored procedures in a large system.

Thankfully - so I saw after my heart stopped - it was only our QA db so not too bad, just a couple of devs set back.

Who woulda thought ctrl-l would execute :O

A SQL statement goes to a restaurant ... there he sees 2 TABLES and asks " can i JOIN u two guys ? " :P

I've been given a huge stack of paper, some users stories and loose specs. Was tasked with engineering the specific requirements, then the models and finally the database. Then I need to build an API on top of that.
Stuff I'll use is Go and Postgresql. Small issue is, I've never done DBs, so I've no idea what to do or where to start.

Does anyone have any resources to help kick-start myself in this field? I've been reading on SQL, but that doesn't really tell me anything about data structures and how to transform those user stories into product requirements.

Are sql joins a bad practice? :o
I recently did some work on a page for a site ive never worked on cause my boss told me to. So they recently added product detail video urls to a table that has a relationship to the products table. The existing code was querying for the products on that said page and then during the loop that was outputting the products ,there was another query for getting the url for the current iteration/product. Told my coworker that this imo was pretty inefficient way to do it and switched it to a join and did 1 query then output that but his words were "The way it is now maybe ineffecient in your opinion but it works. Also combining inner joins with left or right is not a good practice. If the data is changed upstream the entire query would need to be redone to accommodate the change". Mind you that they query views a lot which are all made from queries that use joins and I'm also pretty sure these views were written by someone who used to be here because these guys are not good at sql or at least that's what there queries show. I'm at the point now where I'm realizing that my boss and this other guy don't give a fuck about efficiency or doing things the right way they just want it "to work". So this coworker changed my query back to the way it was because he said it broke the shopping cart even though that was already broken when I started... What is life? Maybe I'm the stupid one?

Disappointment of the day- Spaces in column names of tables in SQL!!

"So... you know SQL? Great!! Here, I have this project for you to fix a few things."

"What is it?", you ask... SSIS packages and stuff!

Where do I start??!!

Why it is such a pain to scan nullable types on Golang database.sql

Now I have to chose between:

1- Using temporaty variable to hold the nullable value just to soon after check and set the zero value if it is null

2- Adding coalesce to my sql query for the zero values.

Did I mention that there are around 20 collumns that are nullable...

We had a test in class where one of the questions was "What is SQL injection?" and I wrote what it was and even gave a bang on simple example where I showed how you could end up with a truncate statement on your customer db. The last part of it was:

"This will be the SQL that gets executed:
INSERT INTO Customers (Name) VALUES (' ';TRUNCATE Customers;--);

When I got it back after we had a session of "grade each others work" I got the comment: "What makes this an attack against a database?"

I mean, I'm not sure what I could have written. That it truncates the database? And, correct me if I'm wrong, but if a user truncates your DB, is that not an attack?

For some reason we store IP addresses as nvarchar(100) in SQL.