Client : pls put the disclaimer that the site uses cookies.
Me: but we don't use cookies this is a static page
Client: Still, the pop up makes the site look more professional, kindly add the feature asap
Me: :/

Screw Emojis!!

Client asks how many days will it take to implement feature XYZ.

I say 3 days. But Skype had other plans.

Implementing the application exactly like the client specified, because they won't listen.

Client : How much for the project?
Me : $10,000
Client : I will give you $72.

Stupidest client ever:
I once had a client that requested me a new website, all went well and get paid.
After a month our two, he called and requested a change on basically all pages. I sent him a estimate of 2h, he approved, signed a contract and I've made the changes. He never paid me that changes. After 2 months ignoring my calls and emails I've rollback to the pre-changes website. He called me anything you can think off and that I would be sorry for done that... I was like... WTF??
- Pay me and I'll put the changes online.
He replied:
- you will be sorry. See you in court.
We went to court because of FUCKING 200€...
Court decision? The client was obligated to pay me the 200€ and all the court expenses...

Client: Is your code functional?

Dev: Well, it's not. It's imperative. Object oriented and a bit procedural.

Client: Well, make it functional

Dev: [learning haskell]

Client: This new feature is not working on Internet Explorer.
Me: Do you have enough oxygen in the cave you are living in?

This happened few hours ago.

Client: I received an email which says that I won 1 million dollars. They gave me a link in the email, when I entered my credit card details nothing happened.
Me: Wait what? You entered your credit card details.
Client: Yes
Me: That was a scam, you didn’t win anything. They stole your credit details. Contact your bank ASAP and let them know about this.
Client: You guys are handling our email servers, why can’t you guys keep it safe. What type of security do you guys provide.
Me: Wait what? We host your website application not email.
Client: Damn it. My son said the same thing, but I didn’t listen to him. Anyways Cheers.

How to get your money from a difficult client.

A client wanted me to make a website that compared the users face to that of a wrestler. We had done a lot of work, but now he wants to switch it...

to pornstars.

So, I guess the next week of my work is gonna be scraping porn websites. NSFW, for work.

Client: About this QR code for my website, can we change it?
Me: Well we could redirect, but what's wrong with it?
Client: I just dont like the pattern, it's too noisy...
Me: 🙃

Client: Take your time. But do it fast.

A client refused to pay for a hybrid mobile app because he said that he only needed the android version.

After publishing the app he asked if we could submit it on the Apple store because he now wanted the iOS version as well.

Client: Urgent! App is crashing!
Me inside: Wtf, Crashlytics didn’t send me anything, it betrayed me...
Me: What’s wrong?
Client: Some random user sent me email that app is crashing SOMEWHERE(!?)
Me: ................................... no problem, I’m working on it.

*Tomorrow*
Me: Fixed, everything works fine now (didn’t do anything actually)
Client: Great, nice work!

Client never mentioned that “problem “ anymore.
#likeaboss

Client: "This feature doesn't work! I thought you said it was done?!"
Me: "Please press CTRL+F5 and try again..."
Client: "Okay, great, works now."

A conversation I seem to have on a very regular basis.

Client: I want the best.
Me: *starts designing a complex and pretty neat website*
Client: I don't like that. I want this. *shows me website design from 1998*
Me: *cries myself to sleep*

Other people : she said yes :') :')

Me: the client accepted the first draft without asking for changes :') :')

Clients love to use the word "Broken" (or synonymous word).

Client: The program is broken. Fix it ASAP.

Me: Ok, give me some details so I can help you.

Client: No, fix it. *Becomes an ass*

Me: Alrighty then, let me sit here doing nothing for a couple of hours. Then say that I tested the code against your original request, and it's working as intended.

Client: Sounds good.

(Pretty sure that's how it went)

Client expectation vs client budget

A freelancer I know just told me this:

Client: You haven't been working for the last two weeks.
Him: Acutally I have. *checks git* I made over 50 commits the last 10 work days.
Client: I don't see them.
Him: Have you pulled from the remote?
Client: *akward silence* *hangs up after one minute*

Needless to say he was pissed.

When you designed for circle but your client insisted on square😂😂

[dev vs client]
- What's your screen resolution?
- 100%
- What's your browser?
- I use internet and sometimes Google.

A client sent me this on whatsapp Idk what to say

When your client takes titles pretty seriously

Client: "Happy New Year 2018! Wish you a very successful and productive happy new year :)"

Me: "Oh Thank you! I wish you...."

Client: "Any update on the feature I have requested?"

Me: "Ah yes. I would love you give you an update. By the way, Happy n...."

Client: "Do you think the it can be released before midnight?"

I stopped replying. Fuck everyone and everything.

Happy New Year to everyone here.

Was scared to take up freelance work because i was scared of bad clients.

Finally took one today, client is not a total arse and knows exactly what she wants me to do, down to details.

MFW.

Boss: "I know we just finished the first part of Client A's project but they also want this extra work done that wasn't in the contract."
Me: "Can't do it without pushing back Client B's work"
Boss: "Well we don't want that. We need to hit that deadline."
Me: "Cool"
Boss: "But Client A was really hoping this new feature which wasn't in the scope would be in."
Me: "Then we're pushing back Client B's work"
<<loop continues >>

I am not anti-social, I'm just not client-friendly.

Me: *laying in bed because I have a day off*
Client: *slides in* Do you have time for our lord and savior "bugs in production"
Me: *screams*

Requirements vs Delivery - Guide to Programming
This one is a killer and I've received it in multiple forwards in office email, and we always have a good laugh seeing this joke.

Client: “Our next requirement, and this is something big you know, we need an elephant”
IT Team: But why don’t you adjust with a buffalo, even it is big…. and black?”

Client: No, we need an elephant only, let me explain our current process……” (client explains for an hour)
IT Team: Fine, I understand your requirement. But our system supports only a buffalo…

Client:We need only an elephant!
IT Team: Ok, let me see if I can customize it for you”

Requirements are taken as follows:
Client wants a big black four legged animal, long tail, less hair. Having trunk is mandatory. The same was documented, signed off and sent to offshore for development!

At the Offshore Development Centre,

Design/Development – Based on requirement all features are supported in base product (as buffalo), for trunk alone a separate customization is done.

Finally the customization is shown to client:

Client: I have lost everything on the cloud holy crap!

Me: Are you signed into your google drive, and within the folder?

Client: No, how do i do that again? I obviously cant be bothered reading your well formated and instructional guide and would rather contact you at 6pm on a saturday night

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Problems of Freelancer

Freelancer: Hey your app is​ ready.
Client : Can you add this ?
Freelancer: Sure, When am I getting payment.
Client: As soon as this gets done.

Next Day...

Freelancer: Hey your app is​ ready.
Client : Thanks. This looks good if there is this feature. Can you help me with that?
Freelancer: Sure, When am I getting payment.
Client: As soon as this gets done

Next Day..
Client : Blah Blah Blah
Freelancer: Sure, When am I getting payment

Frustration at peaks!!!

Clint want custom CMS with php,

*makes custom CMS with php

Client thinks it's not php coz it looks pretty.

*shows php code

client still not convinced it's php

A story of the backend dev. from our client:

"I used !important once now I'm not allowed to do frontend anymore :("

Client: We need these book genres added to the website ASAP!
PM: Hey dev, its priority #1, please add these genres ASAP!
Dev: Okay, can I get a file which needs to be imported?
Client: Oh we will have that in couple of weeks.
Dev: Okay so write me in couple of weeks.
Client: What kind of company is this? Outrageous!!!

This is exactly what happens when your client ask for something impossible you you still have to find a hack

Literally JUST told a client FUCK YOU, PAY ME! We both gonna legal up for this shit.

Me: Whats the deadline?

Client: Asap

Me: And when are we getting paid?

Client: 30 days after you give us the invoice ☺

Client: Do you know how to make this WordPress faster?
Me: yup.

* 30 minutes later*

Me: *googles* "How to make WordPress faster"

I made an automatization bot for a big company from my town (freelance). Today I had to shut it down because I've been waiting 3 weeks for my payment (they only had 5 days after finishing development to pay)

Fuck the fucking client, fuck this fucking shit

Today I asked my client to do "ctrl+f5" to empty browser cache he literally did "ctrl+f+5" and said "it did nothing"

* I send an APK so that my client can test*

My client: I can't install the application

Me: Did you download and install it from the email I sent you?

client: No I downloaded from the play store.

(In my mind: Why the fuck do you Download it from the play store? I fucking sent you an email to 3 of your fucking email addresses so that you can fucking test the fucking APK that I fucking fixed it for you! You fucking worthless peice of shit!)

But I reacted as: No no, you should download the apk from the email I sent. I've sent it to all your email addresses.

client: I can't find the APK In your email.

(In my mind: Wow! I just don't get it! How can you be so stupid? I'm just wondering how your company hired you as a 'director for X')

*I send him a Screenshot proving that the apk exists*

Turns out that this idiot doesn't know to use outlook for Android! He then logs in to his gmail and finds the apk.(Coz I had emailed it to his outlook and gmail accounts)

M just wondering, should I drop this guy? Or charge him 2x for this shit?

Client: hey are you home yet.
Me: no. I won't be for another hour.
Client: so who's logged into your PlayStation account?
Me: ....

Guys I think I found the ideal client

(This was messaged in the groupchat with all 3 devs working on his project)

Today a client asked us if we could remove http:// of his website url...

The scariest client from hell by far is...

my wife.

FML

Client: My email not working
Me: What error message you getting
Client: Nothing, it's just stuck on Outbook
Me: Is your Internet working?
Client: Yes, of cause am not that stupid
Me: No! No! just asking as checkup
Client: Okay
Me: Open your Internet Browser and goto Google or Facebook
Client: Okay hold on..I am getting message "There is no Internet Connection"
Me: Yea, your Internet is not working that's why email can't be send. Talk to your IT Guy or Internet Provider about it.
Client: Okay, thanks!

Client brief vs Client Budget

Client asks us to make app which depends on their API.

Client makes changes to their API without telling us.

"Hey why is the app broken?"

... really?

Stupid annoying client want me to add 2 new fields on a form. Ok I said, my estimation is that I need 2 days to make the changes on form, database and all the scripts that posting and getting data, plus testing. His reply was, come one do you really want 48 hours to just add 2 fields, its sooo easy!!!! WTF dude... if it is sooo easy why are you fucking bother me??? Do it your self!!!!

Another client who knows what he wants..
😂😂

Client: Only an question: do you have a service to optimize my php skripts ?
Me: What kind of script are you referring and what kind of framework?
Client: Yes

My boss last week backed me up with a client. I was working in a production enviorment and the client refused to test the changes made when I told them. So we things started to go wrong and they called to my boss complaning.

He said:
Well you are right. The things are broken but he (me) stayed last night waiting for your response and you didn't gave one. So he is going to work only in the afternoon and you will have to wait.

I must buy a beer for my boss.

Client: "I have a problem."
Me: "No problem, can you say me the error message? "
Client: "No I have clicked the message Away... "
Me: 😣🤐

This morning, a client called the office in anger because something wasn't working. The programmer who picked up the phone kindly tried to explain that he wasn't in charge and couldn't do anything at that moment. A few hours later, the client called back apologizing to that developer! We were all sitting there like 'wft just happened'

Client: We need a news app.
Me: Sure, tell me more about it.
Client: Yeah, have you used Daily Hunt, I want that! Just in different colors.
Me: ...

Client: I want you to build me something, I'm not sure jet what is is exactly but it is supposed to be round and be able to fit on a car.

Me: you mean a wheel ?

Client: noooo, this is completely different and original idea like none has ever had.

I shall refer to the client as cunt for the purposes of this rant. All design work signed off. Near completion of project, cunt sends an email moving stuff around and changing the design. I send the cunt an email telling him that I will review his requests and send a quote through detailing cost implications and extra time added to his deadline to complete. Cunt says he wasn't aware there would be extra costs. I refer the cunt back to the quote and contract which clearly distinguishes the design phase and build phase explaining change control. Not heard back from said cunt.

Awesome answer to client.

Client: it's not working
Me: clear your cache
Client: what's that
Me:it's a way of cleaning the files of your computer to get new ones.
Client: I cleaned my mac

I mean she literally got cleaning wipes ... and cleaned her computer

P.s I told her all this before and how to many, many times

Client: Google analytics is saying our bounce rate is 86%, Could you fix what you did to improve this?

It's a single page website -.-

watched a client use IE, all the while they didn't use tabs or even a new window, every time we had to go back to a previous site they had to Google the URL then click the search link

Client: There is a high severity production issue.. you need to fix urgently..

Developer: I am on the way.. Will fix it once I reach home.

Client: I don't care where you are. Fix it right now😡😡

See the developer!!!

A client asked me if I had some software to make an .exe file run on Android.

So I replied with:
Yes, you need to run the RNN through a HM05 then cross-compile the output with a MOSFET.
You might run into an arduino javascript, but you can bypass that with an stackunderflow or XSS

Being a client side developer in 2016

Client: Half of our barcodes aren't being recognized. Can you tell why?

Me: Ok, I will look at the problem... Open the imagens of the failed barcodes and see that all of them have a stamp over the barcode...

What I have done wrong to deserve this...

When you work your ass off to meet the deadline and once you miraculously make it, the client decides to wait with the launch for a few more weeks.

After working late to complete a "required" feature, to have the client change their mind the next morning.

The client requested an ability to create reports in the app I had been working on. It was completed to their specification and they were happy with it for about a week.

Then, they asked me to redo the report, changing various components around so I told them it can be done, but is time consuming because they're essentially asking for a completely different report.

Now, they never even looked at the code before and the extent of their coding knowledge is excel formulas. Their repond to me was "it's easy, just reverse the loop."

I simply did not know how to respond. "Just reverse the loop." ...I mean it's so simple, just reverse the loop... It doesn't matter that I've spent a good amount of time on this already, or that the client have never seen the code, doesn't understand coding, doesn't care about programming, none of that matter. ...just...reverse...the...loop...

The best part of dev life is when I create a prototype and the client immedietly says: "Excellent!"

I started this new freelance project where I am building some android libraries for the client. Anyways, during meeting I was about to present my results and suddenly backend seemed to be down. I looked into the round "are your servers down?"
Team Lead: "Yeah our cto, also our only backend dev, is developing a new feature."
Me: "Okay but why is production down?",
Team Lead: "Ah dont worry we always test on production. We have a pretty solid hardware, we will even upgrade it soon!"
Me:"... How about you just separate your stage environments and have a develop environment?"
Client: "see, this is where our strength is. We dont need a develop stage we have very strong hardware and our backend is fully in PHP"

Thanks God I'm a freelancer

When your client wants you to build complete amazon in a week.

When client compares his cheap 3 months old project App with well established multi Billion $ Bigwigs' Apps :|

"Look how cars are moving smoothly on map in UBER, I want something like that"

"Look how fast is GOOGLE Search"

"Look how AMAZON figures out what we want next"

Are you fuckin serious :|

Project now in production. Client is very satisfied and happy with the results. So tonight I will have a few beers to celebrate! Cheers friends!

When the project development finishes and client gives changes.

Does anybody else hate it when the client asks for 100 changes 1 week before deadline ?

Shouldn't have made the promise to client

Yes, Mr. Client. It is extremely wise of you to demand changes on release-day. Of course it won't go smoothly, untested and buggy as it will be.

Just saw an upwork offer.
The client wants the dev to put all pages into one page.
"That sounds easy" I thought.
But it turns out that the total amount of pages to put into a single page is 904625697166532776746648320380374280100293470930272690489102837043110636675.
HOLY CRAP! EVEN IF I PUT THAT MASSIVE BLOCK INTO A SINGLE PAGE, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO OPEN IT! THERE IS NO SUCH POWERFUL MACHINE OR EVEN A SOFTWARE THAT CAN MANAGE TO OPEN IT!

That moment when you listen to your boss' lies to a client when presenting a new product/feature.
I am like: damn, this guy is a talented actor!

During a meeting with the client

Client: I don't care how long it takes to complete the app, I want the app to be polished and give the users the best experience!
Us: Got it.
*Later that day*
Client: *wants to implement a new feature in the app*
Us: It'll take us a day or two.
Client: That long?! I need to get it to the market ASAP!
Us:.......

:D

Worked for this client until 4 o'clock at night because they needed that to be done overnight.

For two weeks they are responding slowly like a turtle. No forecast of payment yet.

May God burn them in the worst part of the hell

Fuck NDA, if client doesn't pay me then I'm going to make their open in Github.

A few months ago I was working on a (totally underpaid project) where my friend and I had to basically rewrite the entire program our client was using.

So we started planning and wrote all sorts of documentation to show the client our ideas for the new flow of the program, the new structure of the GUI and a few more details of what would the inner workings of the new app. He seemed to like all those ideas and gave us the green light to go through with the project and start coding.

We spent a couple of months coding, redoing the front end from scratch (with a different framework even, so I couldn't reuse any code from the old version) and completely redesigning the back end so it would be better, faster, more scalable etc etc etc. During this process, we obviously showed the progress of the app to our client, explaining everything we had been doing, and he seemed to like every new version we showed him.

When we were in one of the last stages in development (basically sending versions of the app to the client for evaluation), the guy suddenly changed his mind. After agreeing on everything we had been showing him over the last months, he sent an email saying:

"...the new system makes the app too complicated. I want this program to be as simple to use as possible; so we should revert the "Policy" system to essentially what it was in the last major version. The only change I want to make is [...] and everything else is essentially the same as the last Policy system."

So basically he wanted us to FUCKING UNDO EVERYTHING WE HAD DONE AND REVERT THE FUCKING PROGRAM TO THE FUCKING VERSION HE HAD BEFORE HIRING US!!!! WHAT THE FUCK????

YOU WANTED US TO CHANGE YOUR APP AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY CHANGE YOUR MIND AFTER 3 FUCKING MONTHS WHEN THE PROCESS IS DONE???

GO FIND A SWORDFISH TO FUCK YOU IN THE ASS, IM NOT WORKING FOR YOU ANYMORE

God, it feels good to let that out.

Our client is so stupid that they are currently paying for 9 devs to sit on their asses doing basically nothing just so they can guarantee that said devs will be available just in case they need something changed at the last minute.

I just told my biggest client that they have to start changing things or they will need to find a different company to work with.

I'm hired to program what they want. They are suppossed to do all the concepting, functional designs, QA, testing.

So they tell me to program feature x, not realising that this interact with feature y. And then complain about the change in feature y. Make me do a lot of extra work and then complain that my estimates are way off.

So I told them they also need to hire my company for the software design and QA and prefferable testing because I'm done getting blamed.

Designer sends me mock up. I send out to client to review before we start to develop. (Mock up has lorem ipsum for paragraph text in one spot) A few minutes later client calls freaking out "Why is my whole site in Spanish, I don't speak Spanish!"

Client: Everything is perfect but few small changes to be done.

Me: Wow, that will be easy.

*Client lists 100 points*

Client : Those are small changes. I guess it will be done in a day.

* Yeah sure I am Superman * :/

Client(over the phone):- I want an Android app where there job seekers and recruiters.

Me:- sounds reasonable enough, ok

Client:-i want job seekers to apply for the job and recruiters to post the job.

Me(gets a bad feeling);- doable ok.

Client:- and I want an admin user who can see all the users and do everything.

Me(yup there it is):- what do you mean by everything?

Client :- you know everything, talk to recruiters talk to see everyone using the app, you know everything.

Me :- no I don't know this "everything" that you speak of, tell me more, what screens (activity) should that have and stuff.

Client (getting irritated):- everything the admin user usually does.

Me(yare yare daze):- i will show number of users in a graph.

I have a feeling this is not over yet

So we send a quote out to a client to update his website to make it compliant with the new privacy guidelines: SSL encryption, removing external libraries, removing Facebook Plug-ins, all that stuff. We didn't get a response.

On Monday, he called in a panic. "The website does not work, fix immediately!"

I check out the server, what do I see? An SSL cert installed the Friday before... Client decided to do it himself, on a Friday, without testing. He broke something, but cannot tell me exactly what he did.

And somehow he thinks all that is my fault :D

I was fixing a bug in Production and at the same time, the same client called me for the other project saying its too urgent.

I was like Oh god what now?

Guess what she wanted to change the color of Navbar.

Wow. Finally, after 159 emails, client installed php script on his server :o

Client : I have a scraping project for you...

Me : Yeah tell me which site you want me to scrape and what data from it?

Client : I want you to scrape data from 500 sites

Me : 500 sites...are you serious?

Client : Yeah 500 sites...can you do the job?

Me : ok...for 500 sites...the charge will be $500...

Client : Are you out of your mind? $500 for just 500 sites...I can only give you $50

Supposed to get paid from a project. After all the hard work I submitted the project and this is what the client says:

"Thanks"

😕

"Lightweight rant"

Good job, devs of Sparkasse.
Time to "jobn't" y'all.
That error message is very informational.

I know it is because of the time counter being at 0 and I need to relogin to reset it, but what if I was a regular dumb client? To add more salt into it, what if I was someone in his 90s.

Do your fucking job properly.

Edit: The error message translates to "Error", "Error" and "Close"

When the client wants a bigger logo...

... Wtf?!

When you go to check on how the client is using your software or product

Yesterday, I finished the front-end of a project for a client. Responsive, clean,.. Looking 'smexy' :D

Today I've got an email of the client, saying he made some small design adjustments...

I think you already know where this is going.. But inline-css everywhere, fixed widths, br's as spacers,.. (It was like an old Frontpage-like design..)

I've changed the FTP user.. From now on, he has to request his changes so that I can apply them.. Damnit.. But hey, extra paid hours of work I guess :D

Client : We need real time analysis.

Me : But we can't just scrape thousands of results and process them on user's click.

Client : Don't do that, Real-time analysis is scraping it once and processing it everytime the user demands.

Me : Okay

WHAT THE FUCK !!!!!

Worst part of being a developer: when you suggest a subtle amber shade but your client insists on bright yellow.

A client of mine who has a competitor that launched android app this January. Now my client wants me to clone the app to her companies branding. I told her that's it's the best idea to make something unique and gives different experience to the user. She started arguing with me for shitty reason.

So I agreed to work on the app.

PS: She is beautiful, I will bang her for sure someday. She is the one who will take my virginity.

when you write a patch that makes you die inside...but the client loves the functionality......

When you slog many nights and whole weekend to complete a particular feature and then..
The client changes the requirements :|

WHAT THE FUCKIN FUCK..

!rant

I'm building a complex software that computes stuff with advanced algorithms and linear programming. That kind of software that proved itself strong, but you know a bug discovery would be a disaster.

The client is a dick, always acting as a bully in every email.

Last email, writes me about a supposed error of the software, while of course complaining that the software is complete crap to ensure that I keep a positive attitude.

After some hours of trying to find the cause of the fucking problem, I realized that the software was actually right since the beginning.

I've replied explaining *why* the software says what it says (acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world). Waiting for a response.

I hope that moron will feel humiliated at least a little bit.

You can't keep wasting your time on people who do not know what the fuck they want. You could be way more time efficient with serious clients.

*After I have finally deployed the requested features*

Client: Why did it take you two weeks in the end? You said it would take you a couple days.

Me: Because you told me to use my imagination on half of the tasks and you kept wanting me to change what I had created, thus unnecessarily doubling the time it should have taken. Besides that probably the unclear communication and the fact that you rarely called me back after you told me to call you.

Client: So if I tell you, exactly, how I want it next time you'll be able to do it in a couple days?

Me: I'm not sure, that depends on what you want. Tell me, exactly, what you want.

Client: Oh it's not much, I'll let you do your thing for the most.

Me: I can't handle another request, sorry. *Ends call*

About to go talk with my first client. Wish me luck🤞

When you show your heroku app to your client/boss/friends.

Pro: I have got my first client. 😄
Con: most of his multiple websites use WordPress. 😥

Client told me he doesn't want to be bothered(contacted) outside working hour

So why did he mad as i told him I couldn't do the request he was giving me at sunday noon😕

Email to Client: "Thank you for the payment. Attached is your invoice. Would you mind providing a review? :)"

Client 1: "is very very good"
Client 2: "A+"
Client 3: "Awesome"
Client 4: "Good job"
Client 5: "good."

Client: I want a new feature for my chat bot. It should be able to rap.
Me: ... k
*monologue: wait u w0t m8*
Also me: Can you please go more into the details? It should be able to rap. Ok. But how do you want it to look like? How "strong" should be the discrimination level, for instance?
Client: It should beat ass, yo.
Inner me -> core me: Let us just ignore him. We won't be able to do it, since he isn't really explaining his needs. "It should be able to rap". We are not wizards.
Core me -> inner me: Chill. We will just use some insult apis, combine it with cleverb0t api et voila.
Me: Alright. I got an idea for it. I can do it within this week. And if you don't like it, I will ofc do some changes to it.
Client: Hmmm... that's nice and good. But within 1 week?
Inner me: I can't do magic and pull that feature out of my fucking ass!

Clients... clients... clients...
0. Don't expect us to be done in a few days. We are also humans. And not fucking machines.
1. Do us (all devs on planet earth. -Microaggression in 3, 2, 1..) a favor and (kill yourself) learn how to request a feature.

My client has started WhatsApping me. Never let this happen to you.

!Rant

Fuckkkkkkkk youuuuuuuu CLIENT :/

Client asked why two weeks for refactoring.?? When you already know the functionality and he gave us two days.

After two days we successfully​ renamed everything!!! 😣

Client wants to deliver August 1st. Bust our butts to make the deadline. Changes the entire layout on July 29th and still expected 8/1 release. Blames us for missing the deadline.

Me: Do you like the client?
Dude: Yeah! How did you make that?
Me: I... I...
Also me: SHIT I DON'T KNOW.

Received email from one of my shitty client. He wants a calendar based scheduling and reminder functionality with playing sound whenever necessary.

He said his total budget is 30USD and he generously offered Extra bonus of 20USD if I could deliver it in two weeks.

I'm going to write an email to rip this bastard and make sure he never ever send a budget to something like this to anyone.

Oh wait ! This is interesting let me schedule a skype call. He will regret for sure.

So...Worked my butt off to have a website developed by a certain date client and I agreed on. Finished the site 3 weeks ago and sent dev link. Client has been completely silent; unreachable by email (I sent 5 in past 3 weeks) and phone (left 2 voicemails and a message with his receptionist today). In ALL five emails I told him I needed the email addresses he wants used to route his sales leads to...Got nada.

So today I seen that the lead forms have been tested on the website. Dude can't get back to me for 3 effing weeks, BUT can test his lead forms.. You know, without the lead email addresses that i asked for 5x. Ugh, idiot!!!

Client have this amazing idea about a website that they wanted to convert into reality by using our service. Me and my friend started working on it.

After a month later when it's almost ready, they informed they are not investing into the idea anymore. They would like to discard the project and will pay half of it.

I am eventually realising why signing a contract is really important

In one of my first jobs i developed an (ugly and heavly under-payed) e-commerce/media platform for a customer.
That customer was constantly making fun of his bald partner telling how he was gay, liked dicks, etc., drawing dicks and bananas as sample website logos or uploading dildo/penis images as images, he was always like this.
Once the website was ready for production i removed all the "testing" posts and images and told the client to insert some real content and alert me when it was ready for release.
Well some time after the release i got a call from that client, for the first time he was serious:

C: Hi, why there are dildo images on the server? (the website in production was full of dildo/penis images instead of actual product images, he even photoshopped the head of his partner on a penis and uploaded it!!!)
R: ehm... i told you it was on production and to stop uploading bad content....
C: Ummm ok, please fix it immediatly, thanks!

Fresh internship story (Part 2)

I just realized how dumb my temporary boss really is and how much he loves to command everyone.
I told him that I am going earlier a few days ago and he got pissed lol.
He is someone who thinks he knows everything, but he does not.
He blames everything on everyone else.
He is never wrong, we are always wrong. That is probably what he is always thinking.
Clients who enter the store are precious (makes sense-you have to handle clients well, to get more bucks), but the thing is that he even screams near the clients at us. Besides of that I am new there. Be a little bit more patient, fucking prick.
Imho he is too old for the tech industry.
He loves to use the workers as slaves.
Do you work on a laptop rn? Well... fuck that. He has a new task waiting for you.
He keeps interrupting me every 5 to 10 minutes while I am focused.
Random dialogue from today:
me:"the client did a win10 upgrade and not a regular windows update"
boss:"nope. that is a windows update."
me (internally): should I show him the folder called "Windows10.Upgrade" and the "windows.old" folder both with the same creation date in "c:"? nah, fuck that. he is gonna put himself up again. do not want to have a stronger headache than this one I am having rn. (btw. I usually do not have headaches. I get headaches like once in 5 years, but since 4 days I have it every day.)
I am sick of this.
Today I had the urge to fucking grab his fucking "fuck me please" eyes out and eat them while he hears the explosive sounds his seperated eyes do. I still want to enjoy the rest of my life without going into a prison tho.

Another day, another client story.

So today the client is sending me the text for the website, and after 15(!!!) iterations, add a period, center the text, justify the text, center it again etc.

Me: Can you please create a word document, design it as you like, and I will copy that to HTML for you?

Him: But if I do all the work what am I paying you for?

Me: To listen to you ...

Client: I want it to be a black color.
Me: but this is black
Client: Not this black, I want the kind of black you see when I turn off my TV
Me: :/

Anyone know how to convince a client that machine learning will not be a magical solution to all their problems???

2019 is gonna be super interesting.

Client wanted to send us e-mail addresses.
Client sent an image inside a Word document showing a list of e-mail addresses.

Luckily ShareX has an OCR feature.

Dear boss, client :

We, the developers, have family. Respect our time by knowing what you want us to build beforehand.

When project is finished, everything is according specs, and on final review the client says: "everything looks nice! But I would like to change just a few small details. I would like a different design and functionality".

Seriously?!

In a stand-up my PM and Client discuss about their kid's name. 😣🤐

When your client starts creating "bugs" for things that are not implemented yet... aaarghhh

> Tells client, if content isn't hosted on their server somewhere, we'll have to update the app every time they need new content

> Client refuses saying it will take too much time and effort to maintain

*Several weeks later*

> Get email from client asking to update the app because content is out of date

> I want to reply with 'Sorry no can do, it will take too much time and effort to maintain'

I worked two months for free, 15h per day, including weekends, due a contract trap. On top of that, client was emotionally blackmailing me and I was feeling threatened and helpless.

I even lost weight, skipping meals to save time and money. One day, my body collapsed. I ended up in bed for 10 days, feeling stiffness, pain, weakness, and shakiness. I even had to ask for help to brush my teeth.

I abandoned the project, and didn't receive any payment. The client went crazy and made me feel the worst person in the world for being sick and unable to work. But didn't put his menaces in execution.

I still remember the joy I felt when I was able to walk again.

That was the worst burnout I had, and also one of the biggest lessons about limits and evil people.

Yesterday I talked to my client for 1 hour about a problem she has on my website. When she does something on the administrative website, internet explorer stops working.

Then I told her: "try Google Chrome or Firefox" and I explain why Chrome or Firefox should work. Today, she tells me that it does not work yet and sends me a picture of her screen with the problem (not a print screen, a cell phone photo, with the sun on the screen so I do not see the screen). It was the same problem as the other days. But she was on ... wait for it ... Edge (yes, she's on w10 and she uses Internet Explorer).

So I reply "try Chrome or Firefox.".
I said nothing else and she just thanks me for the help.

Dear client, if you can't be bothered to check more than two data points during several test imports, why are you surprised your production import has errors in the other 10k+ data points? We told you to check thoroughly, and you swore it was fine. But great now I get to unfuck production while you're mad you can't go live yet.

How Real programmers code :

Pfff real programmers use a puppy and have it chase a frisbee where the frisbee hits a flower disrupting a bees honey sucking so it goes home to beat it's wife which again the wife bee gets pissed off and stings my dumb client who mashes some buttons on a keyboard by mistake whilst using my software which fucks up my program and I have to tell him that my program is fine and if he didn't try walking in the garden holding his laptop because of his poor WiFi connection then all of this wouldn't've happened.

!rant

The company I work for has a client that needs a major push on some features and I'm going to be working in Silicon Valley for the next 2 weeks because of that...

I can't contain my excitement since I heard the news!

When your client has no concept of scope

Fuckin accurate

Just like my client :/

These ambiguous frequent changes fuck my code quality :|

Client: "But why isn't it working. It should work"

Dev: "Sorry but it's not in your requirements"

Client: "But it should work"

fffockins 😡

Me: So... do you want a website, right?
Client: Yes!
Me: ...but you don't know how it should look, right?
Client: Ehm... correct.
Me: ...and you don't even know what color should I use?
Client: Exactly!
Me: ...and of course you can't link me a website you like which I can base on.
So now I have to invent something randomly that somehow will be the exact same thing you would like to see. Nice.

Saw the following meme text on fb group.

"It took me 30 minutes to write the code. And 2 hours to fix the bugs."

But I thought it is not quite complete without this ending.

"And a single minute for client to totally dismiss everything."

Client asked for time line for website I told them 6 weeks from moment they provide design (I had other active projects and would have to split time between them ) . For next 4 weeks they would send me design and then after few hours tell me to stop working and that they are going to change design.
After 4 weeks they sent me final version of the design and informed me that it needs to be done in next 2 weeks. We expected 10 more websites from them and it was 7-8 pages so I put other projects on hold and finished it in around week and sent link to them for review, 2 days before deadline they informed me that there are around 20 pages missing pages that are not in final version of design but only in version xx sent more than 2 weeks ago. In next day and half me and 2 other developers had more then 20 hours each to finish it on time

A client just asked to reduce the budget on a project, which I have already delivered. fml. Also, I had a look at wakatime, and realised that I've spent over 100 hours on this project.

Dear Client,

Mentioning "Dear Friend" in email won't make your bug as top priority.

Seriously,
Developer

God fucking damnit automating a client's "Job applicant form" system is the most boring shit l've ever done.
Get me some damn monkeys to do this
"Oh OK so I just have to take this form and turn it into HTML. Oh shit, 25 check box's, let's just copy paste this shit in over and over. Oh damn, forgot I have to change the name and value fields for each one. God damnit this is boring, I guess I have to"
Fucking hell it's annoying work, Boring, easy, no thought needed. Ended up turning this task into a drinking game. Every time the word "Management" came up, I took a shot. Got me pretty fucked up.
Client emails back; "Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, we have these 3 other forms we want you to automate".
Well fuck at this point I feel like more of an alcoholic than a developer.

Client: here's what we want, a website where someone can directly edit any file on the website, php that java thingy all of it. Hell allow them to access, the os so they can see how that works to.

Me: ... Hey great idea ... We could set the server up in your offices ! I could link the server to all your computer's they can modify anything you have on there as well. That won't cause any issues.... At all.
Client: urm why?
Me: *hangs up* sigh ....

It's a fake scenario.... But how I feel like when I speak to clients 😐 based off what some guy wanted to do, a whole training thing for devs to learn how servers work ... The idea is ok to train... Say an apprentice, but he wanted to attach this to the Internet.... Not limit its use... Obviously way to expensive.

That awesome moment when a fiverr client wants you to develop a cross platform mobile application that would share your battery charge(actual battery electricity power) via Wifi/Bluetooth. That too for a budget of $5. 🙄

Hmmm seems like a legit client

When your boss force you to go to client land and do some socializing, for God sake I'm a developer not a f***en public relations employee

No matter how much we do for client, sponsor, do the app for free. They will still not be happy with me. Always trying to bullying me to get more things done for free. Plus the fucken asshole bad mouth about my company and doesn't recommend us to anyone.

This one client we did a website for free 3 years ago. Just came in today wants to revamp the website for free again but this time they want more features. What surprising is that they don't want our company link to be on the website as they don't want to tell the world that we made the website. According to my boss via sponsorship they have not given any client.

You know a website launch is going to go smoothly when:
1) it survives multiple reviews,
2) it's packaged up and sent to the client,
3) client tells you there's incorrect info,
4) incorrect info matches current site, and
5) client doesn't provide the correct info.

😑

#10

After I did some work on this nightmare codebase, the client kept switching goals. He Changed the task a few times, so I always told him that he will have to pay for all changes.
After a time he requested another change, so I stated that he has to pay the first invoice I sent him first. He started bitching around, that I didn't complete the work yet and so on. I saw where this was going. He didn't wanted to pay me, so I cancelled the work for this bitch.

😤

Read my revenge in #11

"The client is complaining that the data takes a long time to load."
Me, after investigating: "Does the client really need [not an exaggeration, actual figures] 130,000 rows of data?"
"I will show them these stats but they said they need it"

class Client:

def project():
while(dev.DoWork()):
changeRequirement()

The client asked me today to include Internet Explorer to the compatibility list. After 5 minutes of continuous refreshing, Internet Explorer finally shows me in developer tools that it does not support Promises and Object.assign().

At that moment, my Promise to the client also failed.

When a client sends you an email with multiple question marks "????" Just because you havent answered an email solely stating "ok thanks" in the past 24 hours.

What am I even supposed to do with that dude?

PS we need to fix some stuff on his wordpress website thingy to which we agreed literally a day ago. First of all do you really expect we magically fixed everything today even or ehm at least try to be friendly instead of just sending a bunch of question marks thank you very much

The best time for deployments is when the client isn't awake to complain about unexpected downtime.

I spend the whole day decoding Assembly code for special formulas that we require for a current project.

And the client doesn't have them anywhere else.
There's only that old desktop application - written in assembly.

My Pc and I never felt so close before...
If it sounds like it was fun, it wasn't.
NOT. AT. ALL.

When a client writes a panic email: "That feature you built for our website, it does not function any more! Could you please check!" You have a look at it and it runs smoothly. You write back: "Can't reproduce the error. Everything works fine." Client answers: "Oh, now it's running again. Thanks for your quick help!"

So today is my first meeting with my first client for my first ever project...
Any suggestions?

This is how my Project Manager introduced Design guy to the client
"my buddy, great friend and a kickass coding ninja"

And how he introduced a full stack developer
"he knows coding too"

The fuck :||

Client: "I found a bug on your website. Its not possible to submit the contact form."

Me: "No bug. Its a feature"

#answerforeverything

Best Andriod client for Reddit?

The stock app sucks and is completely off the grid as compared to web version.

So I had a meeting with a client, some time ago, asking for my expertise on rebuilding their websites frontend and backend within a month. I offered a very low price (as I am a student), which included 40 hours of work for 30$ an hour (normal price is ~120$). And done within 2 months. He turned it down by saying, that the price was 4 times too high... Clients are so demanding, but not willing to pay for their needs. He haven't found another yet. This was 2 months ago.

Client asked me to fix bugs that are yet to happen in future versions.

A newish client just sent a channel ticket marked as "urgent", which set off the alarm for everybody in the chain, with an amazon link to lingerie.

I seriously don't know how to react to this, since I really hope it was a mistake and not how he expects us at the next meeting lol

To send such a ticket you have to confirm your pin and confirm the urgency reason too by the way, so the only thing coming to my mind is, it was some sort of clipboard fail?

Had design call with designer, myself and client. At end of call we tell client we're going to send a mock up and that it's just going to be a flat image/JPG, because we don't start developing the site until mock up is 100% approved. I sent mock up to client once it's finished.

Client: "Why isn't this working? I can't click anything and nothing moves."

Instead of watching our (software) product demo, the client asked why not build something like Amazon Go? The whole meeting was debating with him.

I told my client that I'm attending a conference and I'm out for few days.
He wished me well.
He then proceeded to write me messages and emails each day to "make sure" if I didn't work on his shitty website.

I can't do it anymore I'd love to finish this and ditch him asap...

!rant

Just landed my second client, and it’s an exciting one!

*dance*

The client doesn't want to give me her PIN code from GoDaddy but I need it to make changes for her.

She told me that GoDaddy's Customer Support told her she can't give her PIN to anyone. I understand that. I told her what to do but she still wants me to do it.

She came up with the idea of teleconference between me, her and GoDaddy (is that even possible?). We live in two different countries.

She could just do it by herself (as I told her what and how to do) or give me the PIN... Nope, she thinks that it's my business to make things up.

Boss wants me to carry on this because she's difficult and may make us bad PR even if she's not right. He doesn't want a shitstorm to handle.

We made few projects for her in the past, she gave us access to all her WordPresses, FTPs, backups, authinfo codes etc but still doesn't trust us. She always thinks dozen times before she gave us some data.

And she's not even a business client. She runs a few blogs about her hobbies. She doesn't make money from them. It's not a big deal but she treats it like a treasure.

It's not easy to be gentle and kind :)

when the client starts asking for so much stupid changes.

Me: Ok sur, I will email you about those changes and the estimate time.
Inside Me: I may look calm, but inside my mind I killed you 5 times with 5 different ways.

Jurassic Park was based on a cheapass client who didn't want to pay the right amount to the. Developer who single handedly protected everyone in the park.

I remember when I had my first "website job" and I put it on a test domain to show it to the client.

But when I changed things up in the css or something, the client wouldn't see the updates.

It took me a whole bunch of time to figure out it was caching. So I told him to use an anonymous tab. Fun time, back then..

How do professionals manage these things? :D

MRW a client needs a site with new content but they leave to go on holiday and don't give you a list of content.

Client A: "So, how about those features I told you yesterday? Can it work? Have you discuss it with your team?"

Me: "Yes, it would possibly have to extend the due date a little bit more..."

Client A: "Meaning?"

Me: "You have to pay more."

*Another 15mins awkward silence moment*

Client A: "I don't understand."

Seriously, get some other guy to do the meeting please...I am not good in PR....

Question for my programing elders.
I am a high school student. If/when I am asked to make a client a website, what is the general price that I should charge? (Remember, I am a slightly inexperienced american highschooler, so I don't want to over or under charge them for my work)

When you see a possible new client for the company.
You like: who is the victim this time? 🤔

Me: Hey I just sent the Bi-Weekly invoice.

Client: Can I pay it when this new feature is rolled out?

*Face Palm*

It isn't a Bi-Feature invoice, it's a Bi-Weekly invoice.

Me(to client): I'm the designer for your website. Should I proceed with the landing page?
Client: I...actually just want my images to be watermarked with my logo

Well, they are just fucking kidding
Unix guru on entry level... That moment, when you realise that client is too lazy to pick option intermediate or expert, but expects somebody to do evetything

** this means words are muted **

Friday:
I send a mail the client a Google doc with elaborate details about evaluation of an Android tablet from a Chinese manufacturer.

Monday:

The client is upset, he says "You say there is no GPS chip on the tablet while the manufacturer says otherwise"

Me- "I have clearly mentioned that it has a GPS chip"

Client- Opens the Google doc, points to a sentence. Looks at me like I did something horrible.

Me - **This guys is either word blind or something else is wrong with him, the line reads 'GPS chip available'**

Me- "Look, it says 'GPS chip available'.

Client- **Blinks n blinks again** "Alright, but why did you share a Google document, why not PDF, docx"

Me-**Politely** "You can download the document in any format, look I will show you..."

Client- "It should have been in the mail itself ideally"

Me- **WTH** "We normally maintain a document for such things to keep everything organised, but if you want I will put everything in mail itself"

Client- "Hmm.. do both from next time"

Me- "Alright" **BS**

Client- "Why is the new feature taking so much time"

Me- "As planned earlier, we going to deliver it tomorrow"

Client- "Why not today??" **Gives a strange look.**

Me thinking - **Enough**

Me- "See, I am trying to integrate a smarten with a socket connection, reading it's data via exposed APIs that are hardly documented, we need faster performance so I need to implement caching, multi threading, offline handling, multiple processes to avoid memory fluctuations, sync adapter to sync data...."

Client- "Ok ok ok, it's fine if you give working build tomorrow"

Me- "Ok, fine"

#limit

If I'm writing an app which has the sole purpose of receiving some data from a server, then sending some other data back (so nothing is stored locally) - what sort of stuff do I write tests for?

Client wants lots of testing to occur, but all of the tests I can think of wouldn't add any value