Maybe I could get better bug reports from clients if I made them use this.

I wonder if it has Jira integration.

I prefer silent kills.

× open Jira ticket classified as a BUG REPORT
× Title: "Mike"
× Description: "Mike is working with us"
× assign it to Mike

× reopen it every time it's closed

‪How to get your Jira ticket resolved:‬

‪1: Assign in it the person‬
‪2: Mention him on the ticket‬
‪3: Remember the ticket number ‬
‪4: Sneak into his office‬
‪5: ‬

This project manager, man....

> Sends email to a client "Dear Ms X, here's your password for the Jira board: [...] Please handle it with care and keep it secret."
> Email goes out to 5 people.

Support in the nutshell.

COVID-19
Why it sounds like a JIRA ticket?

Dev team: Using Jira, Trello, other collaborative tools.

Boss: -"Progress?"

Dev team:

If I was Dumbledore I would have hid the philosopher's stone in Jira's UI

boss: please look into tools that do X.

fullstackchris: Ah, here's a solution we can use!

boss: I don't want to use it because it is too complicated.

fullstackchris: ok, that's fine with me...

[one week later] boss: oh I found this nice site that does X, can we do X?

fullstackchris: YES, THAT'S EXACTLY THE SOLUTION I ALREADY FOUND, *AFTER* YOU ASKED ME TO LOOK FOR A SOLUTION, AND IN THE END YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. OH HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND?!?!

F*@#! *%*#

Welcome back to practiseSafeHex's new life as a manager.

Episode 2: Why automate when you can spend all day doing it by hand

This is a particularly special episode for me, as these problems are taking up so much of my time with non-sensical bullshit, that i'm delayed with everything else. Some badly require tooling or new products. Some are just unnecessary processes or annoyances that should not need to be handled by another human. So lets jump right in, in no particular order:

- Jira ... nuff said? not quite because somehow some blue moon, planets aligning, act of god style set of circumstances lined up to allow this team to somehow make Jira worse. On one hand we have a gigantic Jira project containing 7 separate sub teams, a million different labels / epics and 4.2 million possible assignees, all making sure the loading page takes as long as possible to open. But the new country we've added support for in the app gets a separate project. So we have product, backend, mobile, design, management etc on one, and mobile-country2 on another. This delightfully means a lot of duplication and copy pasting from one to the other, for literally no reason what so ever.

- Everything on Jira is found through a label. Every time something happens, a new one is created. So I need to check for "iOS", "Android", "iOS-country2", "Android-country2", "mobile-<feature>", "mobile-<feature>-issues", "mobile-<feature>-prod-issues", "mobile-<feature>-existing-issues" and "<project>-July31" ... why July31? Because some fucking moron decided to do a round of testing, and tag all the issues with the current date (despite the fact Jira does that anyway), which somehow still gets used from time to time because nobody pays attention to what they are doing. This means creating and modifying filters on a daily basis ... after spending time trying to figure out what its not in the first one.

- One of my favourite morning rituals I like to call "Jira dumpster diving". This involves me removing all the filters and reading all the tickets. Why would I do such a thing? oh remember the 9000 labels I mentioned earlier? right well its very likely that they actually won't use any of them ... or the wrong ones ... or assign to the wrong person, so I have to go find them and fix them. If I don't, i'll get yelled at, because clearly it's my fault.

- Moving on from Jira. As some of you might have seen in your companies, if you use things like TestFlight, HockeyApp, AppCenter, BuddyBuild etc. that when you release a new app version for testing, each version comes with an automated change-log, listing ticket numbers addressed ...... yeah we don't do that. No we use this shitty service, which is effectively an FTP server and a webpage, that only allows you to host the new versions. Sending out those emails is all manual ... distribution groups?? ... whats that?

- Moving back to Jira. Can't even automate the changelog with a script, because I can't even make sense of the tickets, in order to translate that to a script.

- Moving on from Jira. Me and one of the remote testers play this great game I like to call "tag team ticketing". It's so much fun. Right heres how to play, you'll need a QA and a PM.

*QA creates a ticket, and puts nothing of any use inside it, and assigns to the PM.
*PM fires it back asking for clarification.
*QA adds in what he feels is clarification (hes wrong) and assigns it back to the PM.
*PM sends detailed instructions, with examples as to what is needed and assigns it back.
*QA adds 1 of the 3 things required and assigns it back.
*PM assigns it back saying the one thing added is from the wrong day, and reminds him about the other 2 items.
*QA adds some random piece of unrelated info to the ticket instead, forgetting about the 3 things and assigns it back.

and you just continue doing this for the whole dev / release cycle hahaha. Oh you guys have no idea how much fun it is, seriously give it a go, you'll thank me later ... or kill yourselves, each to their own.

- Moving back to Jira. I decided to take an action of creating a new project for my team (the mobile team) and set it up the way we want and just ignore everything going on around us. Use proper automation, and a kanban board. Maybe only give product a slack bot interface that won't allow them to create a ticket without what we need etc. Spent 25 minutes looking for the "create new project" button before finding the link which says I need to open a ticket with support and wait ... 5 ... fucking ... long ... painful ... unnecessary ... business days.

... Heres hoping my head continues to not have a bullet hole in it by then.

Id love to talk more, but those filters ain't gonna fix themselves. So we'll have to leave it here for today. Tune in again for another episode soon.

And remember to always practiseSafeHex

Manager: I need estimates for your sprint tasks

Me: I've never done any of this before, my estimates have no context and are effectively worthless

Manager: don't worry it's just for the Jira board.

Me: OK *gives estimates*

End of sprint comes...

Manager: Why isn't task X done?

Me: *sigh*

I don't miss my old job :)

Product replying to Jira ticket: We think this issue has been resolved. Can you please reach out to the user and confirm?

Customer care: User xxx has responded to say she "has given up in frustration, and the app simply doesn't work". She has requested to have her account deactivated. This user has requested to not be contacted any further by the program.

Hows your day going devrant? mines going VERY well

Fuck. My new job in the public sector requires me to sign paper applications to access JIRA or git. It takes them 4 days to process, so now I am waiting at home doing nothing. I’ll still get paid a competitive developer salary, though.

If you are a EU citizen from a country that subsidizes Poland, you can be sure that your taxes are well spent on my couch :)

“No we don’t use the time zone info you send on each request. We get all the drivers for the store ID, choose one of them randomly and take their time zone. We have been assuming it will always be the same for all drivers for each store.”

This is my new favorite response to a Jira ticket in this company.

I may have to print it out and hang it on my desk

We don't use VSTS or JIRA. We have Excel Sheet on Google Drive.

follow on from my last rant.

I've finally gotten my new Jira project. Only thing I seem to have access to change is the Kanban board columns. Still has 50+ fields when creating a ticket etc.

Asked the support team handling the request if this was a mistake. He said no, i'll need to open another ticket to have those changes requested.

Opened and got a reply. Currently there are 2 versions of Jira running. They are working on consolidating them atm and won't help me right now until this is done. I've been asked to re-open my request after the consolidation is done in March 2019.

5 ... fucking ... months, so I can have a competent ticketing process.

He pointed me to a page explaining the move and listing all the changes taking place. Well lets look at the changes they are making that are so critical:

Change 14: Rename "More info" status to "Needs more info".

... Oh pardon me. I didn't realise such critical show stoppers were being addressed. Please do continue. Don't mind me, i'll just be over here taking 4 hours to create an Epic and 6 stories. As you were

Spending more time on JIRA than actual work...

maybe JIRA is actual work ? 🤔

College Graduate joins the team, assigned the first jira story.
Perfect logic, variable naming can be improved, but I can let that go, since the logic was good.

Rejected the implementation in fisheye because she used
if()
{
//
}
Instead of
if(){
//
}

What's wrong with me...

> Customer logs Jira ticket claiming app is not working
< I restart the app, investigate and explain tht their server has issues
ø Client closes the ticket as Resolved
-- a couple of days pass by ---

> Customer logs Jira ticket claiming app is not working
< I restart the app, investigate and explain tht their server has issues
ø Client closes the ticket as Resolved
-- a couple of days pass by ---

> Customer logs Jira ticket claiming app is not working
< I restart the app, investigate and explain tht their server has issues
ø Client closes the ticket as Resolved
-- a couple of days pass by ---
<...>

< I log a JIRA ticket explaining what and how is wrong with the server with suggestions how to fix the problem so the app will not crash any longer (client own the server, has his own sysadmins -- I don't even had permissions to open syslog.. had to hack dmesg on their PROD server to pin-point the issue)
> no reaction from customer for weeks. I ping the ticket

× app crashes again

> no reaction from customer for weeks. I ping the ticket
> customer leaves a comment that their sysadmins are looking at it trying to figure out what might be wrong (ignoring what I wrote in ticket's description??? srsly?)

× app crashes again
< I post detail investigation details: snips from logs, screenshots, everything with crystal clear explanations.

> no reaction for weeks
......

well that's fun..

I just want to say this place is AWESOME! 100% better than Reddit and 1000% better than SO. Not sure how I found it....oh yeah I was googling a question on how to do something in JIRA and used the 'f' word in my query.

when the project manger asks for status on a ticket.
me: what ticket
pm: hold on. (makes ticket). that one.

Deciphering 10-20 jira tickets that relate to 1 feature which aren't linked in anyway beyond titles spread throughout an epic or 2.

Ah the pain of having to go through 200 tickets to find everything you need for a single feature.

The submit button is the wrong color orange.
Priority:BLOCKER

Feeling like I've gone back in time about 15 years!

Just told my CTO about various improvements we could make to the development process. Things like git, continuous delivery, agile project management apps such as Jira, task management such as Gulp, etc.

His response - "never heard of them. I bet they'll pass in a few months. Just another round of fads".

Me done fixing a bug.
Me commit the fix.
Me resolve issue in JIRA.
Few minutes later, Me receive a notification. QA reopened issue: "Bug is still there".
Me go have look to Jenkins.
Pissed off, Me respond to QA: "Can you just wait for Maven to finish building the goddamn thing before testing it please?"

Every. Fucking. Time

Jira ticket

Me: Wish I got one guilty free murder pass..

God: GRANTED! Which software tester would you like to kill?

JIRAAAAAAAAA

Excited for the following upcoming product releases:

Dark Mode GitHub
Dark Mode Jira
Dark Mode Kubernetes
Dark Mode Kafka Streams
Dark Mode WebEx

Do you want to really annoy the hell out of someone?

Prerequisites:

1. JIRA account for you
2. JIRA account for the victim
3. JIRA app on victim's phone

Instructions below:

1. Create a ticket and assign / add victim as watcher.
2. Open your favorite IDE or editor with any of your favorite projects with lots of files with minimal sizes.
3. Drag the folder and drop into JIRA ticket window.
4. Enjoy 😎

Don't ask me how I figured this out 😁

QA : There is a bug, come at my desk now !
Me : I'm busy on some feature, can you make an issue on Jira I will fix it later.
QA : NO! It's a major issue
Me : Ok... I come.
* 3 hours later *
QA : I just created you the Jira you asked
Me : I told you, the bug is already fixed since 2 hours
QA : yeah but I will not test it until you mark the issue as done on Jira

.... Are you kidding me ??? So you interrupted me in my work two times for one stupid issue...

Me: * Browses devRant for about 10 minutes *

Phone: 0 notifications

Me: * Puts phone in pocket *

Phone: * seizures in pocket *

Phone: 3 new Jira issues, 9 Sentry warnings about critical bugs, 2 emails from my boss, roughly 60 Whatsapp messages and 3 new notifs on Slack

Why does this happen so often :/

It's Sunday night... Jira is emailing you because your product manager assigned you 12 tasks.

You're about to check what these tasks are, then realize ... my weekend isn't over yet!

Goodnight phone, goodbye g-mail, it's time for some more games and TV

Things that needs precision,

JIRA tickets

Confluence documentations

Chemical engineering

Pouring instant noodle seasoning when eating it raw

Finally got my avatar. Setting it as my profile pic for Github, slack, Jira.

Thanks @dfox

Best error message I've seen all week!

The sell: “become a designer, change the world”

The reality: “become a designer, create Jira tickets for devs to fix stuff you’ve noticed”

Employer:"Have you tried JIRA before?"

Me: "I know JIRA, it came from a company called 'Atlassian'. I was interested in their product, but it says that it has 30 days trial. So I didn't have a chance to use it."

After a month..

"Our JIRA is pirated, we will use it in our internal servers"..

Me: (I thought this company got an enterprise product of JIRA).

so Jira loaded without css and made my avatar kng of the universe

One fucking stupid 3 minute task I must take care of...Let us all spend 30 minutes putting it into Google Keep, Outlook calendar, Trello then OneNote..in case we forget....

Wait..I forgot to start my Jira time tracker.

I'll Slack you once it's all done then we can Skype to discuss.

Just got asked by our JIRA admin how to add in JIRA add-ons for our self hosted version.

... if you don't know why are you admin then!?

JIRA. Fucking JIRA. Everybody just fucking hates it. It tops the list of shit pieces of software by a fair margin, followed by JIRA in second place and JIRA in 3rd. It's fucking unusable without superpowers and endless patience. It does whatever it goddamn pleases and randomly sends your precious input that you so carefully crafted anxiously avoiding to press one wrong key to the happy hunting grounds.

Fuck you, JIRA.
- Every developer. Really every.

Boss found a wierd bug in code that only happenes in IE10. Closed Jira-task with note; Stop using IE, or update to IE11

Focusing. I'm part of two teams that use slack, office 365, email, jira, and Trello to communicate simultaneously. I'm expected to respond to urgent messages--so I'm in productivity-killing notification hell and it's really taking a toll. :(

Jira changed their UI. Again.

Instead of solving my tickets, they waste time with UI changes

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

I opened a ticket earlier with my automated ticket script, and saw its number, so I couldn't resist.

what's the point of having Jira task priorities if all the tasks are assigned to major priority? >:(

We have this incredible Jira system that allows anyone with half a brain to report anomalies, add some screenshots in it, a description, links, everything.

Then WHY THE FUCK would you add a fucking docx file in which there are 2 lines and one screenshot? What blocked you to add the fucking content of your docx shit to the fucking Jira?

I swear to god, some people should be medically forbidden to come close to a computer

Ooh, look! Node got async/await!
Ooh, look! I can lint shell scripts with shellcheck!
Ooh, look! Webpack 2 has been released!
Ooh, look! I can switch over from npm to yarn!

There is so much stuff I want to upgrade and optimize in our project, that I forget about the actual JIRA ticket.

I fixed the #666 Jira issue at work today, I feel like I chased the demon of the app!

“You have a Jira?”
“You need a Jira, first”
“Open a Jira”
“You need a Jira for that too”
“That Jira is on the wrong board, plus you need to email _this_ form first”
Jira, Jira, Jira-fucking-jira, AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, STOP!

My job appears to be nothing more than an abstraction layer around Jira. A leaky abstraction

I'm a software developer. Last week I spent half a day teaching a "Senior Data Scientist" how to use git branches. I spent the other half a day teaching him how to use Jira. Now I'm being told that the dev team isn't raising enough Pull Requests. FML

Today on questions nobody asked

My PM is a glorified Q&A tester. Has never coded in his life and refuses to use jira or slack. He basically emails me a word document (because he refuses to use google docs) with all his "so-called bugs' errors. I dare you to tell me of a worse PM.

What should be actual JIRA statuses

Got a few Jira tickets reassigned to me because the dev who was supposed to work on them got stuck on another project. It's fine, that happens.

I open the tickets. No descriptions for all of them. No screenshots for those reported as bugs, nor any replication steps. No attached test cases or, well, ANY useful information.

I talk to our BA, he says that all information I need are in OTHER tickets on ANOTHER BOARD that business manages but I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO. Honestly, these shitfucks could've just done simple copy/paste. But nooooo...

So I reassign all the tickets back to their original reporters (business testers) with comments requesting more information.

It's been a week. Now I have no idea what to put in my time sheet.

JIRA Push Notification: [Task] Assigned to <PM>
JIRA Email: [Task] Assigned to <PM>
Hangouts: <PM> I removed that task from you.
5 minutes later at my desk: PM: "Did you see my hangouts? You don't need to do that task anymore."

SCRUM master asked me to teach him jira! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Here's a JIRA issue of this tiny task. You just have to cook this fish and put it on a plate. Here's a raw fish. Now that you have "everything" you need, go ahead and discover fire. Where's the plate, you ask? Figure out how to make one. Now go out there.

Loading terrain..
*burning sounds*
Rutee tried to swim in lava.
Rutee loses everything in inventory.
Re-spawn?
No.

JIRA 2017: "Too many emails? Download the JIRA app and get notifications on your phone instead!"

JIRA 2018: "Too many notifications?"

I'll go with this format for now...

That moment you realise you spent the day skinning Jira to look like atoms material dark theme because a key system is down preventing testing😊

Been trying to get everyone at my current (not for long) company on Jira and Slack rather than WhatsApp and Wunderlist but to no avail.

I created everyone accounts. I set up channels and boards for everyone. I even connected every board to a channel with the specific people involved in it.

Still nothing.

What is even the fucking point in trying to help anymore when nobody fucking bothers? THIS WILL SAVE YOU ALL SO MUCH FUCKING TIME AND WASTED EFFORT!

RIP my inbox

When every single JIRA ticket is marked "Critical"...

I'm pretty fucking sure that if I were to quit my job, I'd have to gather the fucking requirements, create the fucking user stories, and then JIRA the ever-living fuck out of it before I could submit my fucking resignation.

I just want to write fucking code.

A back-end developer at my company thinks CSS is easy, tries to fix some styling by himself without consulting front-end developers and messes up the styling of multiple web apps that rely on those styles. The next Jira ticket related to fixing those styles is, of course, assigned to me (with the highest priority)...

FML

Worst Jira ticket I've ever seen:
Title: "It looks f#?$ed"
Description: ""

This gem was opened by the project producer. When asked about it, it was just a mismatch in text margins.

JIRA makes me want to end it all sometimes

We have an e-commerce platform. One guy uploaded a blurry product image later he created a ticket on Jira that the image is too blurry at the storefront and asked if we can do something about it.

I hate Jira.

There I said it.

Starting new game development project.

Coder:" ok guys, I think that this time we have to focus much more on sprints management and documentation"

Designer:"Ye, this time we should use better scrum software, like jira or youtrack"

Artist:"but Asana has the unicorns when you complete a task"

Headphones on, noise cancellation enabled, Google play music enabled.

Connect to my remote desktop and open Jira

See ridiculous backlog and get to work

(Panda for views)

I find that no matter what I do I have roughly 50 issues assigned to me in Jira, so there's no point in working hard to clear em out. I'll never get to zero.

No Atlassian, I don't want your mobile app so stop bothering me with your annoying popups.

I just got used to this latest iteration of the UI you fuckers...

Again I ended working for a company where people love to pride themselves because they're 'agile'.
Basically they bought A JIRA license, that's all.

The CTO decides the estimates privately.
He assign the stories.
No idea what's a retrospective.
The sprint ends whenever he wants.
No CI.
New stories continuosly added to the active sprint.

That's the risk of agile, unchecked power.

Useful suggestions from Jira.
I would like to know how the "undefined" button looks like though 😂

Client: We need bookmark button added to the Movie Details page.
Me: How should it look? How should it work? Can you create Jira for it?
Client: ...
"5 months of me regularly asking about the feature"
Client: We can't agree on how should it work. Drop it.

I had someone reject me the follow me to the parking lot and ask me to teach them Jira in their spare time. 😂😂😂

When there is a hard high priority bug come up and someone on the team assigns it to themselves and writes on JIRA: "I volunteer as tribute".

"we have add a lot of cost partly due to currency exchange rate, but we also added some services and servers, we'll have a meeting and see what we can cancel or re-arrange."

So now....
- JIRA is gone
- SEO tools are gone
- budget for site security & SSL undecided
- Servers are too expensive.
$800 for twelve 2-24gb ram servers with backup, I call that bargain

Can't wait to see the websites falling apart. Now where are my popcorns?

Please tell me something wrong with me, and whole world is working like that! It can't be right! Or could it, and I'm just one sad fuck who don't know shit?

So... We've got:
1. Jira reporting (agile style with cards and shit)
2. Task timers (via application integrated to Jira in order to count how much time we spent on a task)
3. End of the day email reporting with description of what we have done today (Jira is not enough?)
4. Daily morning meetings with a team leader to report what we're gonna do today
5. Git merge code reviews for each finished component (that lasts for hours)
6. Weekly status meetings
7. Working hours reporting with a fucking fingerprint

And on top of all of that, the developer is the one who just writes the code - team leader decides how this code is gonna look, what will be written first and what last, what libraries will be used and so on...

We use jira at my company. It's great for me, because no ticketing system's UI is worth a shit, but jira's API is excellent. But we're switching to a new system that is an absolute piece of garbage. Every page is 100% Javascript, so no source can ever be viewed, and the URL never changes to reflect what's onscreen. If you know a ticket number, no URL will ever get you straight to it. You have to navigate multiple slow-loading 25MB piles of Javascript to reach what you're seeking. And most damning of all: the new system has an API, but our highest management is withholding access to it, claiming it breeds laziness.

Is amazing the kind of shit you have to swallow when your management has regular meetings with really really super extremely good-looking sales people.

Project managers who distribute a task instruction like "add button on page x" into 20 ticket comments (each minimum 1000 chars), 1 pdf from the client, 2 unrelated tl;dr confluence pages, 3 lengthy bullshit management emails (at least 5 people in cc) and end up sending chat messages every hour...

JIRA.

Plenty of good things happened at work this year. Then we started using jira. That "heavy" bucketfull of shit though.

Ever had a day that felt like you're shoveling snow from the driveway? In a blizzard? With thunderstorms & falling unicorns? Like you shovel away one m² & turn around and no footprints visible anymore? And snow built up to your neck?

Today my work day was like that.. xcept shit..shit instead of pretty & puffy snow!!

Working on things a & b, trying to not mess either one up, then comes shit x, coworker was updating production.. ofc something went wrong.. again not testing after the update..then me 'to da rescue'.. :/ hardly patch things up, so it works..in a way.. feature c still missing due to needed workarounds.. going back to a and b.. got disrupted by the same coworker who is nver listening, but always asking too much..

And when I think I finally have the b thing figured out a f-ing blocker from one of our biggest clients.. The whole system is unresponsive.. Needles to say, same guy in support for two companies (their end), so they filed the jira blocker with the wrong customer that doesn't have a SLA so no urgent emails..and then the phone calls.. and then the hell broke loose.. checking what is happening.. After frantic calls from our dba to anyone who even knows that our customer exists if they were doing sth on the db.. noup, not a single one was fucking with the prod db.. The hell! Materialised view created 10 mins ago that blocked everything..set to recreate every 10 minutes..with a query that I am guessing couldn't even select all that data in under 15.. dafaaaq?! Then we kill it..and again it is there.. We found out that customers dbas were testing something on live environment, oblivious that they mamaged to block the entire db..
FML, I'm going pokemon hunting.. :/ codename for ingress n beer..

We have Jira to keep track of bugs and allow users to inform issue with our in-house software. One fucker created ticket, "Hi Guys, I cannot sign-in to Skype business". He even put the screenshot.

What the fuck he expected us to do. Everyday have to deal with low mentality peasants.

I am hating hating hating my junior developer job. Most of my work is updating PDF's on all type of internal intranets. So my days are spent working jira ticket after jira ticket.

Internal customer submits ticket to update 3 PDF's on internal intranet for sales team. They are named so badly I can't match them unless I review all 30 links on this page. Most links with report numbers but here's is not also no notes to where in the page.

I do JIRA comment --no respose even though I tag her.

I politely email her asking her to rename the PDF's with the same file names I am replacing.

She asked it I wanted her to rename them 'other'

What??? So I asked her where she sits so I can show how to easily find the file names in the URL.

Responds with the same files renamed with more description but still not the same.

Respond again giving better instructions on how to find it and second request to where she sits.

1 day later no response!

When I get into today I am closing her ticket!

Fuck these middle aged Midwest dumb bitches!

Since we announced our product yesterday, the bots have started emailing our fuckin support system (which automatically ends up in our Jira Service Desk).

Pound salt you halfwit marketing fucks, you're cluttering our bug reports

What's the use of implementing JIRA when you'll still demand sending daily reports with time duration for every task?!

Funny story:

We were going through Sprint Planning on Monday. We got through all of the tasks that we knew we had to get done, then we started going through the backlog to see what we could pull forward.

The guy running the meeting (who's not actually a Scrum master, but whatever) get's to a task, reads it aloud, and goes, "That doesn't ring any bells. Brian, it's in your name, it says it's from May, do you know what the status of this is?

Brian reads through it for about 20 seconds before saying, "That date says it's from 2017. I don't think we need it anymore."

Out of issues

++ if you have used Jira and liked it / found it valuable.

- - if you used it and didn’t like it.

Came into work this morning and my scrum master has decided to take my desk and now I'm working off my laptop screen. I forgot he needed 3 displays for Excel, Outlook and JIRA.

DevSup channel:

Someone: FYI, Db is down(ticket link)

Otherone: Can anyone help me connecting
with db? I am having issues.

I am so happy I am leaving this place in 2 months.... 😂😂

people will write an email but wont update JIRA ticket

Hey devs, really need some help here. This is driving me crazy...

We're currently taking issues from the company via mail. We've got a group mail that goes to the three of us at the IT department. Problem is, colleagues just forward customers emails without event trying to help, which means that we get stupid issues like "I can't sign in", and no further information. We're currently using Jira, and I was thinking perhaps we can set up a Jira Service Desk? Then we could have an internal help desk where issues could be submitted, and require some important fields, and perhaps add a checklist. Have you had any experience with Service Desk? Do you think it would be a good idea to have a "normal" person have an account there as well to filter out the normal "Have you tried restarting your computer" stuff? Is it suited for non-developers?

Any other ideas?

Yeay, messy question, but I'm fucking desperate...

When the PM tell the development team they need to start using SalesForce instead of Jira.

There are two jobs I would rather suck dick on the street than do.

Sharepoint developer

JIRA admin

What’s yours?

In these GOT times,
managers will suffer,
PRs will not be merged,
Pivotal Tracker/Jira stories will not be attended to.
Stand-up meetings will be ditched.

Winter is here.

so i decided to check out the client departments jira project page, never have I had more respect for front end developers, don't think I could have the patience for aligning things at pixel accuracy, design qa are ruthless!

What's the worst part about being a dev?

Jira

One of our clients asked us to Integrate their projects with Jira, so I got this funny email from atlassian.

Just received a Jira request to remove training videos from the business ethics page or our employee intranet because we longer hold the license's.

HaHa

PM schedules deployment on a Friday... I address my concern about deploying on Fridays, I am assured it won't happen again since it is a special occasion. Next week's Friday... "Guys we need the remaining tasks on jira by today, client wants the app on production by today". smh

A new place for PM where he can write product specs: - Comments in JIRA tickets!

Why didn't we all think of this great idea before!

Logging work in Jira, because it goes against the whole ethos of trusting people to get the work done when they have to log exactly how much time they spent on each individual story. It also doesnt account for pair programming. so 2 people log the same time and it looks like the story took twice as long. I’ll stop now because I’m precariously close to opening the “time based estimates” can of worms and thats for another rant.

Project name - "JIRA 2.0"
Description - JIRA seems to not be informing people in our company about much of anything right now. Engineers don't know how to find anything. PMs don't know when things are shipping.

Me: JIRA, you had 1 job!

Boss: here you go 3 tasks for your sprint

Days later with local server and db still not connecting on docker.

Boss: ya can we add a task on jira and get that fixed as soon as possible and see why its not working(feature doesnt work)

Me: you got it boss.

Me(in head): How am i ever going to finish my sprint for next Friday...

I just blew up at my boss again.... I'm doing something and then he asks about including a new feature and figure out if it's doable. A quick question is ok but an analysis of a new feature.... NOT WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF RESOLVING A MORE IMMEDIATE ISSUE.

OPEN A FUCKING JIRA, SEND ME AN EMAIL, AND I'LL TAKE A LOOK ONCE I'M DONE WITH WHATEVER I M DOING.

hey, look in jira on how to implement these features. lets not use any standard on how we format our tasks there.

add random screenshots on how things should or maybe should not look. add random tables in tasks with random fields from random tables in db which should be displayed somewhere?

lets not add docs to any of our code. name every method differently in every service although they do the same thing only for different types of data.

have someone come 3x a day to u asking: "is there something new to see in the ui? :D"

LIFE IS FUN HAHA :))

I just found out our junior dev has not been reading any of her e-mails coming from JIRA.

So when her tickets were being pushed back / commented on, she had no idea.

Ignoring JIRA notifications

As a mobile developer I get fucking pissed off when I get a ticket on Jira saying: Response code 500

The server fucked up why am I the one to be reached for? Especially that code is displayed when no response body is returned

I administer Atlassian stack instance (among zillion other things, of course). Once I've got an issue about login problem:
"I can login to Confluence, but not to Jira, could you help me?"

Looking into projects configuration, into user's permission groups in Crowd (both apps are connected, it will be important in a moment)... Everything looks good. Wtf?

Suddenly, I've got this idea:
"What username do you use in Jira?"
"My username."
"What about Confluence login?"
"My email."

Realization in 3... 2... 1...

Wait for it...

Just a little more tension...

"Nevermind, thank you!"

Remember, guys, always give them a chance. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. And I wish you all only such issues! :-D

Jira: code formatting vs SQL. AYFKM?

In my last sprint planning my Project Manager said: "...Drupal is a programming language, like swift or jquery.."

And my boss wonders why our plannings take so long.

😳🤔😭😭😭😭😭

I may have watched too much Westworld; I'm naming JIRA tickets with "Analysis - what caused the failure..."

Google, why the fuck would I have ant to see my Jira board as a panorama?!

Project Manager (non-technical, can’t code) keeps assigning himself issues in Jira so that “we don’t have any unassigned issues”

It’s so annoying, if you can’t fix any of the problems, don’t pretend to be working on them

It's kinda calming to find out that the atlassian-guys themselves don't know very good about their stuff either

Happy new year everyone!

Yearly reminder to update your copyright texts.

PS: I worked at a place where I had to file a fucking Jira to get the copyright year updated in the website’s footer which was essentially a content change.

PM blindly puts user requests into JIRA as tasks to complete without thinking through their relevancy. Some of these are straight up not possible or don't make any damn sense. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ just a constant reminder how great it will be when I leave here at the end of the month.

One of the barriers to professional software development is OCD.

Is this code right? No, fix. Wait, no, still not right.
Did I just commit this? Check again.. did jira reload properly? Wait, checking again, did I commit this? Checking. Did I commit this? Checking. Is my mind fooling me about committing this? Checking.

while(true){
goCrazy();
}

How to kill Jira Backlog in one simple step:
1) put '-∞' to Storypoints
2) enjoy

(Bottom line: it can be fixed from User Story Map to something normal)

Wife started to remind my of features required for next deploy. Pushes me and motivates. At this point I am afraid to use my whiteboard I use for quick tasks and feedback notes

I just moved my personal projects over to Jira... since I'm my own PM.. does that mean I hate myself?

Them: We should totally use JIRA
Me: Why? it's sucks so hard
Them: I like it because of the reports
Me: How often do you look at those reports?
Them: Once a week
Me: F**k that then, there's no way I am rummaging around in that crock of shit hundreds of times a day just so you can look at a report once a week

🙄

I love it when people add issues in Jira with the title "Backend" and no description...

I want to sleep. But I better close this Jira issuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu zzzzzzzzzzz

to everyone who complains about poor methodoly usage:

I had a solo ptoject. I was told to do scrum. I had dailies.. with my PM. we were moving JIRA tickets around.

A tale of silos, pivots, and mismanagement.

Background: Our consultancy has been working with this client for over a year now. It started with some of our back-end devs working on the API.

We are in Canada. The client is located in the US. There are two other teams in Canada. The client has an overseas company contracted to do the front-end of the app. And at the time we started, there was a 'UX consultancy' also in the US.

I joined the project several months in to replace the then-defunct UX company. I was the only UX consultant on the project at that time. I was also to build out a functional front-end 'prototype' (Vue/Scss) ahead of the other teams so that we could begin tying the fractured arms of the product together.

At this point there was a partial spec for the back-end, a somewhat architected API, a loose idea of a basic front-end, and a smattering of ideas, concepts, sketches, and horrific wireframes scattered about various places online.

At this point we had:
One back-end
One front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
One front-end Jira board
No task-management for UX

You might get where this is going...

None of the teams had shared meetings. None of the team leads spoke to each other. Each team had their own terms, their own trajectory, and their own goals.

Just as our team started pushing for more alignment, and we began having shared meetings, the client decided to pivot the product in another direction.

Now we had:
One back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
Two functional prototypes
One front-end Jira board
One back-end Jira board

No worries. We're professionals. We do this all the time. We rolled with it and we shifted focus to a new direction, with the same goals in mind internally to keep things aligned and moving along.

Slowly, the client hired managers to start leading everything in the same direction. Things started to look up. The back-end team and the product and UX teams started aligning goals and working toward the same objectives.

Then the client shifted directions again. This time bigger. More 'verticals'. I was to leave the previous 'prototypes' behind, and feature-freeze them to work on the new direction.

One back-end
One conceptual 'new' back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
One 'all verticals' front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
One front-end Jira board
One product Jira board
One UX Jira board

Meanwhile, the back-end team, the front-end team overseas, all kept moving in the previously agreed-upon direction.

At this stage, probably 6 months in, the 'prototypes' were much less proper 'prototypes' but actually just full apps (with a stubbed back-end since I was never given permission or support to access the actual back-end).

The state of things today:
Back to one back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
One 'all verticals' front-end
One 'working' front-end
One 'QA' front-end
One 'demo' front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
Two front-end Jira boards
One current product Jira board
One future product Jira board
One current UX Jira board
One future UX Jira board
One QA Jira board

I report to approximately 4 people remotely (depending on the task or the week).

There are three representatives from 'product' who dictate features and priorities (they often do not align).

I still maintain the 'prototype' to this day. The front-end team does not have access to the code of this 'prototype' (the clients' request). The client's QA team does not test against the 'prototype'.

The demos of the front-end version of the product include peanut-gallery design-by-committee 'bug call-outs', feature requests, and scope creep by attendees in the dozens from all manner of teams and directors.

Reminder, include legal language in next project that says if we're using JIRA then we're using JIRA and not a thousand emails with requirements embedded in spreadsheets and PowerPoints.

I hate meetings that could have been just checking the Jira to see what everyone is working on... Getting 5 people together to individually mention what they're working on... So inefficient

Tutorial: How to get rid of your dev?

1. Find a very old (2+ years) jira task that took a lot of sleepless nights to get resolved.
2. Make sure that your dev is still on the watchers list.
3. Reopen to 'change some labels'.
4. Forget to close the task again.
5. Remove the body. Heart attack will get classified as a natural cause.
6. Close the task.

We're living in a world where 200 ko of RAM to send people to the moon, but 4 go isn't enough to make Jira fluid, while it's a fucking website.

Developed a feature 4 weeks ago with a lot of requirements from PO, even more from QA, wrote beautiful code/tests, was actually happy after deploy since everything worked beautifully.
Sales increased a lot because of this.

Story created in Jira today by mentioned PO: As a PO I want to have that feature removed because it doesn‘t work in IE9. PO decides so I had to do this.

So: What exactly is the best way to hide a body?

Me: Open Jira. See 8 point story skip QA column and move into Done.
Ask dev why it didn’t go through QA.

Teammate: Oh, did they want to test this?

Commence argument that **all** stories need to go through QA.

Atlassian bitbucket you sad sorry piece of shit. I can see an old coworker's PR in the list but you won't accept it as a valid search target under the author searchbox, but even older ex-employees are searchable. What the flying fuck, go out of business.

And fuck you for JIRA as well.

When you open JIRA after a while and see all your issues have been resolved!

Dev: *completes tasks, pushes to UAT and assigns to PM in Jira for testing*

PM: *receives notifications and immediately bulk change on all taks and assigns to client without testing*

So what is it you do here...?

It's amazing how much you learn about a system when you are somewhat forced to administer it. #iKnowAllTheAtlassianShit

Whem you'd rather create a completely different system from scratch for work than fix that one JIRA ticket 😐

Me: RESOLVED....again.

Tester: Well not working for me....REOPENED....again.

Project managers moved all the tickets around and then got mad that we couldn't find them to log our time.

Mass mutiny about logging time in general and expected dev hours per week.

They returned the tickets to the old system at least

Call me a novice, but isn't the point of a user story to be concise, limited in scope and only concerning one purpose? Kind of like a class should only have one responsibility.

This stupid other reviewer developer comes whining at me saying I broke some shit in my user story and that I need to fix it. The weirdest part is that I didn't break anything. I wrote all my tests, they all passed and yep, this guy has the nerve to come and say that I broke other shit. Well genius, if it's OTHER SHIT, then it belongs as a bug in ANOTHER STORY. What the fuck man, seriously.
A few minutes of debugging later, I found out it was someone else who broke some code earlier on a piece that was part of my part of the application.

Why are others so quick to blame? This is unprofessional. OMG I DISCOVERED AN ERROR, YOU'RE PROBABLY THE ONE TO BLAME BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IGNORANT GUY BECAUSE YOUR TITLE IS JUNIOR DEVELOPER!
Right.

Companies like these, people, have bad communication. Bad companies.

for my job I need to know,

Programming, C#, Optimization, Multithreading and Async code, Working certain tools, Reading difficult written code, Understanding, Physics, Networking, Rendering, Codeloops, Memory management, Profiling tools, Being able to make Jira tickets and read Jira tickets. Understanding source control branching, merging, push and pull. bug fixing.

And I write almost 1 line of code a week on average..

I'm a programmer.

I wonder...

On a global scale, how much of Google's storage space is being consumed by unread JIRA emails.

PLEASE RETROFIT THIS ISSUE TO THE BRANCH NOW! THIS NEEDS TO BE IN TODAY! NO EXCUSES!

Uhh, that would be ok if it weren't 40 commits over several JIRA issues in over 12 different modules... or if you had given me more than half a day to accomplish this task. But no. So here were are, at work at 7:30 pm spinning builds. Missing date night with my S.O.

And now the build is red.

Kill me.

Boss opens ONE task and keeps adding more requests in the comments WHILE I'm working on it.

It's like we don't have rules anymore.

Rant one of monday!!

Monday stand up meeting....

Reviewing jira tasks
Front end:" well, I dont think that is a priority but IM NOT TEST DRIVEN DEVELOPER SO...."

Jira task? Local env for testing in minikubes.

Ahhh the cool startup isssss sooooo cool he takes decisions about that, model the app or even estimates the deadlines of the product (the product not jira tickets)

Isnt it cool? Why not give that power to juniors? Why not tell them they dont need to learn and junior is just something they label to pay cheap for them?

Can't wait to get back to work tomorrow, long weekend of family has got me antsy for a jira ticket

Thank you for deleting our very first sprint.

The development was horrible and the management was a bizarre.

Thank you JIRA, and that one gay who accidentally deleted all 120+ stories and task.

PS. Calling gay is not an offensive word. He likes being called gay

Every day.

Jira workflow requires dept manager to approve and assign new issues to developers. He does this once a week. 😑

Dev management high muckety muck: "Even though I never speak to or communicate with any of you personally, my Jira charts indicate that you are sub optimal." Absentee managers can't help but be dickheads.

The typical university project as a group:

- Discuss/Make somebody create the items in Jira: 2 days
- Implementation: 2 hours
- Tests: What are tests? Do I write them in my main method?
- Review/Someone sees the code: 9 hours
- Staging/Production: No one is ever going to use the "software"

My boss just set up JIRA for our project.

Dev work estimation is harder when the higher ups gives you a one line jira description and expect you to provide them with a timeline. Like how many times i gotta send the ticket back up the pipeline ><

when you spend more time in JIRA explaining the client that their bug is not a bug but misconfiguration on their side than actual programming. :-/

error between chair and keyboard.

Happy Monday Ya'll, may your code be bug-less and JIRA unfilled.

(I know none of this will happen but damn it dream will you)

Spent an entire day clearing the backlog of the previous sprints in JIRA. Now i am seeing jira numbers everywhere :/

My manager always tell that we're less process oriented and self sufficient.

Later on, I understand what that means
- Poorly written JIRA tickets
- JIRA tickets with only title, rest for you to fill
- Two teams did same task, client side team pushing their change directly on master, while mine still waiting on code review will eventually get rejected
- Client writing raw SQL in ORM framework instead of using any single feature of ORM.

Project Lead: The DevOps department just got a GitLab instance installed on our internal network. We're gradually going to move all our projects onto it and move away from BitBucket and Jenkins really soon.

Me: Awesome!

Project Lead: We're still using JIRA and Confluence for issue tracking and documentation though because the higher ups said so.

Me:

Why JIRA, why? Do you have to be so mean?

if you are a good developer, been dispensable in a project is like quicksand: the more you try not to be, more important you become ... and you die choked by Jira tickets and anger

The moment when the UI designers had included their design as a zeplin link in your Jira story. You finished coding it, the designers made changes to it and expected me to magically know about it.

Our team uses story format titles for JIRAS like As a ..., I want...

But in our git repo, a lot of people create branches using the same name:

{JIRA-ID}-as-a-...

And I'm always like why the fuck can't you take 5s to name your branches more descriptively? I usually name mines using some keywords from the Jira Title

But wondering now what do you all think/do?

Hi fellow geeks, so I'm ranting about the lack of basic will and ability of my company people to RTFM that I've prepared to them of how to use the shiny new JIRA that I've configured.
Any idea for a short funny clip (eg simpsons, seinfeld, the office, familyguy whatever) that somehow relates to the above that I can show them in a presentation?
Cheers :)

Back to Excel for control project, sih 😢, just because my non tech boss can't work with JIRA and it confused him. Do you guys know any idiot friendly control project before I having a heart attack?

JIRA queue just dropped into the single digits for the first time in weeks. It's getting me right in the feels.

I dunno for you guys and I am sorry in advance but what is jira? "a proprietary issue tracking product providing bug tracking, issue tracking and project management functions" right?
so why the fuck do I need to write a fucking "Log Work" when I pee, when I poop, when I go out taking a break, when I drink coffee...

Does anyone else's manager measure their performance based on jira ticket count or merges to master? It feels like a new lines-of-code measure to me...

they're having me log my time in 30 minute increments, with each 30 minute block assigned to a jira ticket, as well as keeping track of my slack status throughout the day

My experience with SCRUM:

Everytime some say:
Lets try scrum.. couple weeks later dropping it.

Just use Jira instead, and meetings once a week.

I Never have seem (Official) Scrum working in a team for a long period.

!rant.. When the client makes you do something stupid, and you try to tell them, but they still want it, so you give it to them, and weeks later, they come back asking you to revert it.... ugh!!

I wanna comment on the jira "I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so!!!" so bad..

This week I delivered a big feature (took me about 2 weeks), QAs tested it yesterday results in about 10 Jira issues. When looking at these 8 was fake issues (QAs forgot to configure some stuffs) and 2 was feature requests. I feel some stress, I'm not sure it's a great success or I should test myself to see if there is really no problem :D

Manager asked me to create a spreadsheet showing tasks in a project with percentage complete to send to client.
Sounds easy, even though I prefer JIRA, I created spreadsheet with all tasks and asked each developer responsible to fill in percentage done.

But I did it completely wrong. I have to give estimate for how long it took for each task and make sure total complete is 70 percent and number of days add up to 10. WTF guess the estimate to match the total. And this is how you teach me project management.

Did I mention that all this is happening after most of the project is done?

Out company standard tools, which we are all supposed to use... (JIRA, confluence) .... IT had blacklisted docs.atlassian.....

JIRA want captcha from me.
Captcha service returns 500 error.

After reporting several bugs/blockers, demanding the product owner to set up some kind of notification her answer is:
We know the problem, first ocured 2 years ago, but I'm not in the mood to do something.

Ticket: Closed/Won't fix or Clodes/Works as designed

We often give access to a product owner from the customer on our Jira to keep up a good communication and everyone stays up to date as everything is on the board and not hidden in emails or paper notes on the desk of the guy that is on vacation.

So far, so good

Our customers really like this as they can comment on tickets and they are integrated in the workflow because they can push into the backlog and can review finished tasks.

It is just getting better for everyone so where is the rant?

One project is just a dump of shitty mixed content tickets. But how? They look really neat. There are tickets like "fixes from meeting 20th of may" which are initially well structured with approximately 4 subtle changes to the UI and some explanation and screenshots.

PM says: Good ticket. There you go ticket, into the customer review loop of doom.

20 comments and 13 status changes later. Point 43 from comment 17 is referenced in comment 20 to keep on hold as a third party needs to give feedback, point 7 is still not solved correctly as dev 2 was not aware that it was already discussed and changed in the ticket "Call from 25th of may" where in addition the resolution of points 5-12 were requested with an additional excel file to import.

By now we have the 8th of august and literally 17 of these kind of tickets.

I guess we need to improve the workflow and request a new product owner. But this far I just table flip everytime I get one of these tickets assigned.

over 300 issues in jira... plz kill me

if jira exists and client sends requirements via mail

Open a older case in #JIRA and either I'm in past or this thing is messing with me today Jan 30, 2018

So I was in a training course today teaching us the basics of JIRA. (Turns out when they said basics, they really mean basic. I learnt nothing) Out of the blue, mid way through the lecture, a lady in her late 40's asks, "Can you copy and paste into JIRA". The worst part is, is the probability earns more than double my wage...