SkillsBugs creation and maintenance. Team ranting.
Joined devRant on 10/3/2018
Do all the things like ++ or -- rants, post your own rants, comment on others' rants and build your customized dev avatarSign Up
Newbie Agile Team: "Hi Scrum Coach, we studied and implemented the Scrum methodology, but we are late as before and our software is buggy and shitty as ever, how is that?"
Agile Coach: "Scrum Methodology is easy to learn, but difficult to master!"
Newbie Agile Team (chorus): "Oh coach, Fuck yourself daily, with your coffe thermos, standing up and once per week retrospectively. If you'll come at the next review meeting, we will gangbang your ass in front of the stakeholders"5
Somebody told me this:
You see this graph?
ColdFusion is the best language ever.
There are almost no questions whatsoever on stackoverflow: that means nobody has no fucking problems using it.7
Our code base is shit.
To improve, we went through different coaching style: Freudian Psychoanalysis, behavioural psychology, gestalt
- Freudian Psychoanalysis: After several years refactoring and discussing our technical debt we can say that we really understand our code in deep. But it's still shit
- Behavioural psychology: after some months of work, we built a lot of testing. Now the code is still shit, but we don't get dirty anymore
- Gestalt: after few weeks sessions, the code is still shit. But we don't care anymore, we accept it and we are happy
(note. it's an adapted psychology joke)1
hmmm more rants about Linux than about Windows?
Actually analysing better, most of "rants" about Linux are actually expressions of love.
I can't find however any expression of love for Windows.
So the question remains open6
The mixed feeling when you manage to give orders without giving orders:
- feeling of omnipotence: you worked behind the scenes and you got what you wanted. Nobody knows, but what the hell you are the Puppet Master, God.
- sadness and loneliness: they will never learn. Somebody else claims to have given the orders, nobody knows about you. God is alone after all. And you'll be killed one day.1
I started to write an API for our application and asked everybody to use it.
Everybody liked the idea, but nobody liked the API.
So now we have api/v1, api/dev1, api/dev2, api/dev3 to do the same fucking operations.
When I complained about them not respecting the guidelines, dev1,2,3 told me it's my fault because I'm the director.
I thought for a while about how to get rid of these apis and I finally agreed with their view.
I removed developer 1,2 and 3 and finally now there is only api/v13
naked developer day:
Today I'll work from home, sitting completely naked in front of my mac. Only keyboard, mac and me.
It's a huge saving in clothes and energy to clean them29
I guess it's a well known classic stress-relief game, but just in case somebody doesn't know it and need it:
I still play it from time to time2
Best rants in movies, my top list.
John Malkovich - Burn After Reading
Bank Account: https://youtube.com/watch/...
League of morons https://youtube.com/watch/...
Michael Douglas - Falling Down - actually all the movie is a big rant, too many scenes, just this:
I want breakfast: https://youtube.com/watch/...
John Goodman - The Big Lebowsky
There are rules https://youtube.com/watch/...
Al Pacino - Devil's advocate
Relationship between ranting and productivity.
When productivity increases, ranting increases as you are dealing with a lot of shit. So ranting is actually beneficial to high productivity.
When productivity decreases below zero because you have a lot of fucking problems, your ranting also increases sharply.
The only peace zone is with moderate, positive or negative, productivity and low ranting, i.e when you are not doing much17
When yo wake up in the morning and you read:
"Upcoming updates to the AWS Lambda....in rare cases, package updates may introduce compatibility issues."
("rare cases", yeah sure. skip everything)
"...You have the following options: 1. Take no actions, 2.blabla 3.blabla..."
Close the blog.
Communicate to the board that due to lack of resources, randoms bugs could happen in the next weeks and that the quality of a 500K$ project is at random risk.
Description of a Bug in JIRA:
Hi guys, there is "another" bug :-))))))!!!! :-((( with the customer list:
- The list of Customers (**which one? we have 4 fucking lists **) is sorted by Name, not by Birthday date (**wait, it's a sortable table, with a sortable name, city ,zip column, it's not sorted by birthday because the birthday column was not even required **)
- If I click on the details I see some data missing (**which data? which customer? there are thousands of them and most work**)
- In addition the arrow on the right is too small, can you make it a little bigger (**excuse me**)?
- I also need to export everything in excel.
Categorised as: Bug
Moron. You are part of a League of Morons...3
...when the analyst decides whether a feature is too complex to implement or not.
So you don't get the requirements because he thinks it's too complex.
So you develop something that has nothing to do with requirements. Actually much more complex.
And after that, one week before deployment, the customer actually show you and the analyst that what you did is fucking useless.
It was much easier, or at least completely different.5
when your application works everywhere, in every situation, for every user, EXCEPT on the fucking device and user of the new Board Member....
...fuck fuck fuck.
(specially because we have a task dedicated specially to test and target CEO and old board members devices)
I'm responsible of the smooth operations of the platform, i.e. I'm responsible if something doesn't work. As I'm the technical leader, cofounder and original developer.
However I have no control on installations scheduling, on feedback from customers, on new features planning, on installations tasks performed by the team. No resources whatsoever.
And everybody NEEDS me to perform even small tasks. I would delegate and automate if only I had the time to explain and develop scripts.
But I have zero time. So basically everybody is counting on me working 15 hours per day to get things done.
And one person is also claiming to be "in charge of operations".
He is actually only in charge of me.
I cannot exit from this vicious circle.
I'm like the house doormat.3
When somebody speaks about "rewriting everything from scratch" I always mention some famous articles claiming: "don't do it!" "big mistake".
Truth is that when somebody says "rewrite everything from scratch" he doesn't mean "everything". He just means "rewrite the 2-3 things that we found useful after 10 years of developing useless features nobody cares about"
So then, yes, rewrite, please
Description: A buffer overflow vulnerability in WhatsApp VOIP stack allowed remote code execution via specially crafted series of SRTCP packets sent to a target phone number.
NSO group even sell a spyware application based on that vulnerability to governments.
Listen!!!!! I'm going to the toilet with my phone!!! Listen!!!3
My mom is a basic user that needs to use only basic apps to chat and speak with family, post photos and play one or two games.
She is always ranting about how difficult is to do simple things. And she is mostly right.
Like, where are my fucking photos gone?
Why is facebook/whasapp/whatever different today, where are the fucking buttons gone?
what the fuck happened (when while clicking something a update windows popup and you click something else). Why the buttons are so small (when you want to close a fucking ad windows with a little invisible fucking "x" somewhere and you click the ad instead)?
I don't want no fucking cookies.
Why after windows update my fucking game doesn't work anymore. Why I can't hear anything through the fucking skype?
The fact that she knows I'm one of the moron who builds kind of not-usable and buggy fucking things, doesn't help.4
you have probably around 20 days holiday per year.
After 60 year old everything is more or less a gift, so I wouldn't count on it.
Let's say you are going to work 30 years. That is 600 days to do whatever you want.
It's less than 2 years.
Try to count how many days left of freedom.
Suddenly all the things I have to work on today have lost all priority6
I spent a month trying to understand how to split our application and setup a pdf server to manage 10'000> pdf documents generation at the same time.
Today during our monthly meeting, our dear Key Account Manager, said he's not selling pdf generation to customers since one year at least, and he's not planning to sell it in the future.
Nobody knew about that apparently. We had also some demo guys showing actually the functionality to potential customers.
Also nobody believe me when I say we should start a project to monitor used functionalities in our application.
Just wasted one month of my fucking extra-time. Now I'm late with a lot of other tasks, apparently more urgent that the potential scalability issue of a functionality we don't use.
Key Account Manager rules.
Key Asshole Manager.
I think we should hire a Key fucking-COMMUNICATION Manager
[dying] I came here with a simple dream...a dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion ton robot monster here? Not I... Not I...
-- Bender Rodriguez --
Somebody asked me my API doc.
I don't have any API at all.
I will lie, and I'll write a swagger specification in few hours and I'll send them.
They will try to read it and understand, and after maybe a week, when they will ask for testing and endpoint I'll pretend to be on holiday for 2 weeks.
3-4 weeks gone already, I checked they should be on holiday by then. Only then, I'll answer with a fake endpoint with fake data.
I'll get another 2 weeks if I'm lucky.
When they discover about fake data, I'll say there is a bug.
In total if I play well, I have 2/2.5 months to implement some kind of API server with some more or less true implementation.
Thanks to Swagger. Swag11
- Sales people: we will deploy and install 100 customers by the end of the month.
Meaning: 100 it's impossibile, we want actually do 50, but we set a high target so people will sweat their ass off. But we don't tell them the truth.
- Tech people: no way, we will deploy and install no more than 25!
Meaning: we could do 100 but we would die. We will guarantee 25, but since we are good we will optimise the workflow and maybe we will make it to 50. But we don't want to create expectations.
Big misunderstanding arise if these two language are used in the same meeting.
At least if I'm in the meeting as technical people7
I proposed agile training to my company.
I choose a well known coach around here, with good references.
First 3 days were great. After a month he came back for another session and check progress.
This time, he literally fell asleep during the workshop. Several times. He would ask questions, sit down and quietly fall asleep while waiting for our answers.
We were astonished and embarrassed.
He apparently had a very hard working period and could not cope with traveling and working so much. He apologized some day afterwards and didn't charge us for the day.
He never came back. The team didn't take it very well and my reputation was compromised, as well as trust in the methodology I think.
I kept saying that everybody can have a bad day, but it was probably just to defend myself and my fucking stupid idea of changing the world.
A real fucking shame. Still I can't believe when I remember this.2
Hi devRanters, hi you all.
I really appreciate all of you that are patiently reading, humorously or not so humorously commenting and wise or not wise giving advice to my semi-serious rants.
It's a great stress relief for me in this moment to know somebody it's out there listening to my stupid problems.
And probably will also improve the life of people around me.2
Today, the Scrumpy Master was not here, so I leaded the daily scrum meeting,
rephrasing the 3 standards questions a little bit: the results where amazing.
Here my questions in case somebody want to use them:
- What the fuck did you do on Friday?
- What the fuck do you think you are doing today?
- What is your fucking problem?
We managed to keep the meeting very short and after the meeting everybody was sooooo concentrated I couldn't believe it.
Beeep Beeeeeep 7:00 o'clock. Shit. I was dreaming. Must wake up and go to work.
Scrum master will be there too.11