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Search - "introvert much"
A fucking rant to me from myself.
I want to take control of my life. I want to fucking change my life. Want to move my lazyass and want to work on myself. Want to build awesome stuff want to help others want to change something for good. Want to learn new stuffs want to learn new skills want to travel want to go see new place want to know about other countries and learn about their culture and want to tell them "we are fucking humans stop finding stupid reason to hate each other for literally any fucking small reasons. Stop fighting yes there are bad guys, really fucking bad guys who deserves to die. Then kill them and finish the matter stop fucking keep making complicated and keep involving more and more. There are little kids who keep dying and need our helps it's feel so helpless sometimes and we sitting on sofa eating popcorn and complying about government there are kids in every country who don't even fortunate enough to have basic human needs and there are people who fucking throw food over there mood. A fucking Mood. Gosh I hate people sometimes so much.
Don't know why fucking writing all this on a Devrant supposed to talk about our devshit but couldn't control more.
A introvert don't got many friends to talk this shit and most of them worrying about there Instagram followers fuck this shit .
And here I am fucking trying really hard to pass on fucking useless boring exams for fucking degree which doesn't speck about your skills or show to the world anything besides you are good at memorizing shit.6
I was an introvert while growing up hence I found interacting with non-living things easier. When I was 11 i.e. like 17 years I told my parents to enroll me into computer classes. They didn't see much of a future in it so they refused. I fought hard and finally they agreed. Hence started my journey with computers.
First week all students were allowed to explore the computer we were assigned and also were taught to play basic Windows 95 default games to make it interesting. It was all fun. Next week the teacher said he would be teaching us how to tell computer to do what we want i.e. programming. Hearing that I could make my computer do what I want excited me a lot. I felt I could finally communicate to a computer. This is how I learnt BASIC. I was so amazed I could do so many things like take input and do calculations etc. I decided I would do this kind of job in the future if it exists.
So now I am actually doing what I wanted to do when I started programming i.e. coding job!1
It sure was due to devRant. Not only I discovered some cool code-buddies but it also made me quite a bit social by giving common grounds for conversations as I am pretty much an introvert while expanding my PoV of the dev-world since I'm still a student.
Love this community
I am continuously transforming from being terrified to being sad to being tensed at the moment.Don't know what depression is , but i guess this is not a right phase .
Am just an average guy trying to get my confidences up as a good person/student/professional/whatever. last to last semester when I joined college for a cse degree, i had entered with the brightest face and the biggest smile because of just one thought: "this is where i belong, this is what i want" . i always got excited when i saw little things jumping around in my mobile , calculations being performed instantly, and the day i got my laptop, i knew i want to know every thing of how virtuality works.
I never cared about social life tho, i was a universally lonely introvert single child. Had 2-3 friends in school, who i don't care about much,a lost crush , a great group of home buddies and some friends here and there.
So when i started college i went there with multiple goals: making my career there, finding gud buddies, love again and many more..
But recently, everything is changing: realised that college is a piece of shit, people are always selfish and exploiting, a race is always going on where people are secretly running and you gotta learn by yourself.
So here is the current me: college attendance 37%, not went to gym past 1 week, human interaction last 2 days :2(mum nd dad), whatsapp last message: 4 days ago,sleep timings 10am to 6pm(daytimes lol), currently working on: this project that I took as "my last project that on completing means i know Android,and could code every fucked up app in the market)", which isn't yet completed bcz every-time i learn something in it, i realise their is one more part of the course am following , but i should know because this is useful.
And that makes me more sad :/1
So my team lead 'suggested' to me to try and be more social. i.e. hang out with the team at lunch, talk more about myself, etc... All for the sake of being a more cohesive team.
I can understand the sentiment but, as an introvert, I've been busting my gut as is to be able to speak up and ask questions and all that stuff. And being able to spend an hour away from my co-workers at lunch really helps me relax and keep my head in a good place for the rest of the day.
But now I'm going to sacrifice that hour for the sake of team unity and as a result loose my little 'zen' time. And while I like my co-workers plenty, if I'm being forced to hang around them for 8 hours (or more) straight every day without so much as a break while having to act a certain way to fit then I'm gonna stress the fudge out pretty quickly. Which will in turn lower my productivity and make my team lead unhappy with my work.
So if I don't do it, my team lead will be annoyed that I'm not being social enough. If I do do it, my team lead will be annoyed that my work isn't good enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm at a total loss.5
Being so damn lazy to even attend one. And I don't really like that it's kind of a competiton. These things, sadly, tend to lure morons, which in the end means that you spend sitting in front of a pc with complete strangers without any motivation.
Or am I only being pessimist too much?