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Search - "message in a bottle"
I plan to write a book about my previous company because I had such a magical experience in that fairy land. I spent three years with indigenous tribes out of touch from the modern human civilization. They take pride in their culture and their use of MS Excel and SVN technologies.
Over the years, these tribes discovered how to organize a queuing system through Skype group chats. If a tribe member wants to update the spreadsheet, they will enter their name in the group chat until it forms a queue (name1 > name2 and so on..) and once they're done, they enter "Done" in the group chat.
It's amazing how these tribes came up with such an efficient and systematic approach of wasting their lives! Researchers are baffled with this newly uncovered secret that some of them believe it could be the work of an advanced alien civilization. There's just no way humans could have thought of that.
These tribes have a lot to teach us. Hell, I know it taught me some knowledge I wouldn't otherwise find in the modern world. During my stay there, I learned the following:
1. Why hell is good after all.
2. How to fake a coma.
3. How to recover from a stroke in 5 minutes.
4. The art of astral projection during a meeting.
5. Is that a subliminal message or are you passive aggressive?
6. What clients want = anal fisting.
7. How to stealthily check your pulse when talking to someone really stupid.
8. "Sent emails will be received" - a tribe member.
9. Hardcoding a dollar sign + shell command to make it work.
10. How to make a scrum meeting last for two hours.
11. How to collect bus tickets like a peasant for transportation reimbursement.
12. What's that smell and why does he keep sniffing it? A colleague's expired lunch.
13. Why it's wrong to confront a colleague who's always three hours late.
14. How to play Nintendo Switch in two big screens and a projector in the boardroom with glass walls.
15. Pretending this life is virtual reality.
16. Why you're not in GTA and running everyone over with your car is bad.
17. Vivisection for dummies.
18. Summoning the devil for entertainment.
19. Devil worship during working sessions.
20. The kama sutra of assasination.
21. How to speed up the dying process.
22. Is it a stiff client or rigor mortis?
23. How to control your laughter when someone is crying.
24. How to control your laughter when someone just died.
25. Your manager is not a pocket pussy, stop it.
26. Why some clients don't die of old age.
27. Easy occult symbols for your bullet journal.
28. How to insert subliminal messages for mass suicide in your members' Trello boards.
29. 82 handy methods of torture.
30. Can you get a maternity and paternity leave at the same time if you're a single parent?
31. How to reason with your inner demons.
32. That laptop costs too much to break it on someone's face.
33. Masturbation while working from home.
34. "Honesty system" = We don't have the resources to automate this.
35. How to get reincarnated as a cockroach.
36. That creature with a tiny voice is human too. Yep, she's a team member.
37. Why does that Hodor look-alike keep touching you?
38. Gee. That IT bitch's face is shaped like a half moon.
39. How to program by clicking buttons.
40. Does your manager count as a human sacrifice?
41. How to encourage your colleagues to sacrifice a Chinese co-worker to an active volcano on their outing.
42. Playing porn in a colleague's wireless bluetooth speaker.
43. Tinder swiping during meetings.
44. Using a ticket management system in the dev environment.
45. How to estimate and then change that estimate later on to fit your actual hours.
46. How to shoot down that ungrateful fuck.
47. How to dissolve your team after you've disappeared.
48. How to tell if you're actually dead.
49. How to plan a massacre for some mental stimulation.
50. Eating with a one liter bottle of muriatic acid on your desk and convincing your colleagues that it burns fat and they should try mixing it with their coffee.
And so much more. My heart is still heavy from all these wonderful experiences that I decided to write a book about it. The world should know about this.16
My biggest dev blunder. I haven't told a single soul about this, until now.
So, I was working as a full stack dev at a small consulting company. By this time I had about 3 years of experience and started to get pretty comfortable with my tools and the systems I worked with.
I was the person in charge of a system dealing with interactions between people in different roles. Some of this data could be sensitive in nature and users had a legal right to have data permanently removed from our system. In this case it meant remoting into the production database server and manually issuing DELETE statements against the db. Ugh.
As soon as my brain finishes processing the request to venture into that binary minefield and perform rocket surgery on that cursed database my sympathetic nervous system goes into high alert, palms sweaty. Mom's spaghetti.
Alright. Let's do this the safe way. I write the statements needed and do a test run on my machine. Works like a charm 😎
Time to get this over with. I remote into the server. I paste the code into Microsoft SQL Server Management Studio. I read through the code again and again and again. It's solid. I hit run.
Wait. I ran it?
With the IDs from my local run?
I stare at the confirmation message: "Nice job dude, you just deleted some stuff. Cool. See ya. - Your old pal SQL Server".
What did I just delete? What ramifications will this have? Am I sweating? My life is over. Fuck! Think, think, think.
You're a professional. Handle it like one, goddammit.
I think about doing a rollback but the server dudes are even more incompetent than me and we'd lose all the transactions that occurred after my little slip. No, that won't fly.
I do the only sensible thing: I run the statements again with the correct IDs, disconnect my remote session, and BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP FOREVER.
I tell no one. The next few days I await some kind of bug report or maybe a SWAT team. Days pass. Nothing. My anxiety slowly dissipates. That fateful day fades into oblivion and I feel confident my secret will die with me. Cool ¯\_(ツ)_/¯13
devRanters do you think this is feasible as a fun/learning devRant community side-project?
Possible community side project: 'devie Stressball Trans-OceanicTrackable Voyage': So, my idea is based on the 2,000 year old concept of a message in a bottle. In fact, bottles from the Titanic were found 100 years after it hit the iceberg.
Pseudo: we pack devie into a bottle along with maybe a Raspberry Pi,GPS module, solar battery... Hopefully, it could send pings and we could track the journey. I am more a software guy than a hardware guy but I have played a bit with Pi and I know a few devs good with Pi's.I will also talk to the folds at Adafruit.
Here is an interesting paper I found in my beginning research. http://netlab.tkk.fi/u/jo/...
Also, I have seen low cost Raspberry Pi cubesats powered in outer space by solar.
Please let me know your thoughts if you think this might be possible. Also, if some of you might be interested in taking this learning journey. If we decide to try it I will purchase the hardware. Looking forward to your thoughts. Love this community!95
Update - The 'devRant trans-oceanic 21st century message in a bottle' community project is progressing nicely.
There is terrific research being done by the team in a slack channel. It is a great fun learning experience.
We have taken the 2000 year old message in a bottle concept and are breaking new ground leveraging very cool technology. We are still in phase 1 but at a high level devRant's much coveted stress ball will cross the Atlantic Ocean in a bottle type encasing.
We will use satellite tracking and gps to track devie throughout the journey. We will use Arduino or a similar microprocessor. We may use sensors and gyros to monitor the surrounding environment for temperature and depth.
We are also studying ocean currents, shipping lanes, weather data and bottle materials to make the journey as smooth as possible.
This is an official devRant sponsored project. We encourage you and any dev friends to join the conversation. Below is a link to the original rant which has the Slack channel info.
The sun never sets on devRant and we love intriguing projects!
One time I took out a colleagues letter keys except the ones needed to spell freezer (in croatian) and left the message freezer on the keyboard, took the remaining keys, put them in a bottle which I filled with water and put them in the freezer overnight (left work the day before earlier than him).
A positive was that the keys were real clean. Negative was the rest of the keyboard was dirty :)
Was a good laugh, though.5
My current dream project is sailing a 21st Century Message in a Bottle across the Atlantic Ocean from US to Europe, satellite tracking it in apps and desktop environment and more importantly inspiring school children everywhere that anything you can imagine is possible. Fortunately, the project is rapidly becoming a reality - here's how:
- teamed with a few amazing devs virtually
- team created an effective infrastructure for communication and knowledge sharing
- researched oceanic patterns, satellite communications, sensors, material design, recovery logistics...
- developed budget and received funding sign off
- created realistic, yet aggressive project plan with deliverable dates
- built relationships with two Universities for Oceanic knowledge assistance
- developed a partnership with NOAA and will share info
Oh yeah, we did all that and are having fun in only 25 days so far! More challenges to come but we embrace the challenges!1
We had this customer that wanted a app called "Bottle message" to use it for basically everything like ordering shoes or sending money. He thought it would be practicable to just write in the "message" what you want to do and when you want to make it happen.
Remember the Stress ball's TransOceanic Trackable Voyage? (Also called Devvie in a bottle.) Well, we're finalizing the design. But if you are interested in helping us with software, hardware, launching, recovery, or anything else that might help, join us at stotv.herokuapp.com. PS, we're also looking for sponsors, so if you are or know someone who is interested in sponsoring, send a message to @sven on Slack.5