A super creepy webcrawler I built with a friend in Haskell. It uses social media, various reverse image searches from images and strategically picked video/gif frames, image EXIF data, user names, location data, etc to cross reference everything there is to know about someone. It builds weighted graphs in a database over time, trying to verify information through multiple pathways — although most searches are completed in seconds.

I originally built it for two reasons: Manager walks into the office for a meeting, and during the meeting I could ask him how his ski holiday with his wife and kids was, or casually mention how much I would like to learn his favorite hobby.

The other reason was porn of course.

I put further development in the freezer because it's already too creepy. I'd run it on some porn gif, and after a long search it had built a graph pointing to a residence in rural Russia with pictures of a local volleyball club.

To imagine that intelligence agencies probably have much better gathering tools is so insane to think about.

I want Gordon Ramsey to start a IT program in the same fashion as Hotel Hell and Kitchen Nightmares

He'll sit at a desk with a laptop, examining code as if he's eating food, venting frustrations and screaming insults out loud

Then he'll have a talk with the team and see how they work on a day

After that he'll go into the freezer (server room) and scream at mold and cockroaches

Then comes the intervention where we discover that the PM is still grieving about the death of his original programming language and the team loves him but thinks he should move on

The next day the development studio is modernised and has a candy bar, tennis table and everyone is forced to use linux on their new macbooks

Then we experience a good day where everything is great and velocity is through the roof

Then Gordon leaves and everything is shit again

At the data restaurant:
Chef: Our freezer is broken and our pots and pans are rusty. We need to refactor our kitchen.
Manager: Bring me a detailed plan on why we need each equipment, what can we do with each, three price estimates for each item from different vendors, a business case for the technical activities required and an extremely detailed timeline. Oh, and do not stop doing your job while doing all this paperwork.
Chef: ...
Boss: ...

Some time later a customer gets to the restaurant.
Waiter: This VIP wants a burguer.
Boss: Go make the burger!
Chef: Our frying pan is rusty and we do not have most of the ingredients. I told you we need to refactor our kitchen. And that I cannot work while doing that mountain of paperwork you wanted!
Boss: Let's do it like this, fix the tech mumbo jumbo just enough to make this VIP's burguer. Then we can talk about the rest.

The chef then runs to the grocery store and back and prepares to make a health hazard hurried burguer with a rusty pan.
Waiter: We got six more clients waiting.
Boss: They are hungry! Stop whatever useless nonsense you were doing and cook their requests!
Cook: Stop cooking the order of the client who got here first?
Boss: The others are urgent!
Cook: This one had said so as well, but fine. What do they want?
Waiter: Two more burgers, a new kind of modern gaseous dessert, two whole chickens and an eleven seat sofa.
Chef: Why would they even ask for a sofa?!? We are a restaurant!
Boss: They don't care about your Linux techno bullshit! They just want their orders!
Cook: Their orders make no sense!
Boss: You know nothing about the client's needs!
Cook: ...
Boss: ...

That is how I feel every time I have to deal with a boss who can't tell a PostgreSQL database from a robots.txt file.
Or everytime someone assumes we have a pristine SQL table with every single column imaginable.
Or that a couple hundred terabytes of cold storage data must be scanned entirely in a fraction of a second on a shoestring budget.
Or that years of never stored historical data can be retrieved from the limbo.
Or when I'm told that refactoring has no ROI.
Fuck data stack cluelessness.
Fuck clients that lack of basic logical skills.

The freelancer...
We are looking for someone to design a logo with no less than 2 years Javascript, 10 years Intel IO low level engineering in assembly, 2 months pascal, 14 weeks of HTML5, 17.23567 years of ASCII C, and you must have a half pint of strawberry ice cream in your freezer. $20.00 firm.

DEAR CTOs, PLEASE ASK THE DEVELOPER OF THE SOFTWARE WHICH YOU ARE PLANNING TO BUY IN WHAT LANGUAGE AND WHAT VERSION THEY ARE WRITTEN IN.

Background: I worked a LONG time for a software company which developed a BIG crm software suite for a very niche sector. The softwary company was quite successfull and got many customers, even big companies bought our software. The thing is: The software is written in Ruby 1.8.7 and Rails 2. Even some customer servers are running debian squeeze... Yes, this setup is still in production use in 2022. (Rails 7 is the current version). I really don't get it why no one asked for the specific setup, they just bought it. We always told our boss, that we need time to upgrade. But he told every time, no one pays for an tech upgrade... So there it is, many TBs of customer data are in systems which are totally old, not updated and with possibly security issues.

Codes happily without errors...
Computer is getting slow...
Save codes, restart computer...
Opens IDE...
"3 errors found"

I hate my life

My dev colleagues, the ceo, a external designer and me (dev) are sitting in the meeting room
and we discuss the result from the designer. He designed a complete relaunch of a
small CRM for the logistics sector.

The designer is a designer as you know him, big beart, small macbook, chai late
and he designed nothing, he hired a freelancer from romania.

My boss studied software development in the 80s but didn't really developed a software
for about 20 years, but he thinks he knows all and everything.

My boss is constantly complaining about the colors in the design and he would like
a iOS approach. Our system should complete copy the styles from iOS.

The really funny thing happend in just 1 minute. My boss is complaining again about the
colors and told the blue color is way to dark and the designer meant thats not possible the
blue color very bright. My boss sat next to the designer and looked not on the wall where
the picture was thrown from a projector, instead he looks from the side in the macbook screen
of the macbook which was in front of the designer. Then the designer says "Oh my god, the color
changes if I look from the side or from the top of the macbook." The Designer was blown away. My
boss couldn't believe it and did the same movements with his head and said. "Wow, you are right
the color changes".

We all other people couldn't believe that they are so dumb and thought this must be a joke. But
that wasn't a joke. After the meetin my boss told everyone in our company his results regarding the screen.

I wrote every story in a document, and I'm planning to create a book with dumb shit like this.

Our boss did always the same thing. When there was a BIG potential customer who indicates a small interest in our software, then he lied constantly about features. After the customer bought our software we got a deadline and should develop the missing features. I could remember two features: The first one was a quote tool for a car transport company. The tool should estimate a price for a transportation from an email with no structure and the other one was an API which should be possible to write dynamicly to MySQL, MariaDB, Postgres, MSSQL, DB2, Mongo or better said any possible dbms. The API should guess the structure of the dbs and offer CRUD actions. The funny thing is must write the api with go. Yeah dynamic and GO.

At some time, we told him we wont make any overtime and if the deadline is not possible we told that immediatly the customers, so that they call him. Thank god I don't work anymore in this company.

One time I took out a colleagues letter keys except the ones needed to spell freezer (in croatian) and left the message freezer on the keyboard, took the remaining keys, put them in a bottle which I filled with water and put them in the freezer overnight (left work the day before earlier than him).
A positive was that the keys were real clean. Negative was the rest of the keyboard was dirty :)
Was a good laugh, though.

When the junior dev puts 4 Monster energy drinks in the freezer because he "thought it was turned off".

I really like Docker. I think that’s the best thing that happened in the dev field for years. Easy shipping and installation of software without messing up dependencies to other software.

When will the cookies(PHP) expire? Non-programming answer: It depends if you put it in the freezer or not LOL

Found a sandwich bag of AA batteries in the common kitchen freezer. Not sure what to do.

F*** u apple. From time to time I develop Apps for Android and iOS and boy is the whole iOS app distribution workflow bad.

I try for hours to upload a update for my app.

First I needed the readd my credit card then there were internal server errors and after that I needed to regenerate provisioning profiles.

Everytime I use something from apple, then I experience such a bad user experience. "It just works" not anymore friendo...

Fixing the freezer

Best thing about adulting, having half a freezer full of ice cream and cones in the pantry...

Did you every have nothing to do on a regular basis?

I am really trying to show initiative and find the work but due to company focus shift my position I was hired for 4 months ago has become completely redundant. I am asking my senior dev and other (not even my project) for tasks but more frequently there are days where I finish anything they could come up with in 1-2h. I have found a side hustle I am doing in the meantime, I am learning other dev related things and my personal website gets a new style. What I though would be a dream feels terrible. I feel underappreciated and useless and I start to dread each workday. Sometimes I feel except for my team of 3 they dont even know I exist and earn good money. I am often forgotten on company events, meetings and my projects are being put in the freezer. I also hate the cringe company I am working for but I dont know if its already time to give up.

Did you ever have nothing to do at your job for more than a couple of days?

Trying to merge
A conflict was found, just small changes on both files
Trying to resolve
*A hour later*
Deleted the code form both branch, merged the branches and repushed the code to the merged branch.

! Dev related rant
I rammed a knife into our fridge freezer to throw ice on my flatmate. And bam! I punchered the goddamn coil, now we've been without fridge for two days and I'm going to lose shit load of cash.
Off goes beer for a few weeks.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

I wish I could do what I used to do, and get lost in programming. I used to be able to go for hours without stopping, but now I'm having trouble keeping focus for more than an hour at a time. Its making everything take far longer than it should, like this project I'm just about done with that should have been done a month ago.

It doesn't help that I'm two months behind on my rent, there's nowt but a couple of sausages left in the freezer, and I'm fast running out of coffee and cigarettes. If I could find out what the fuck is wrong with me at the moment, that'd be great.

“Crushed” by Cocteau Twins and “Is It Cold In The Water” are the perfect soundtracks to finding 47 accurately cut, assorted, and deeply frozen human fingers at the bottom of your freezer.

Today, I started a new project with Rails. I used always an own auth implementation, now I thought I'll give devise a try. Hell... the documentation is bad, really really bad. I really don't know why people are using this and don't write this by themselves. Anyway, I kicked devise and write it again by myself.

Why does symfony freezer the container after compiling it? I understand that because of its shit design they require to pre-compile the container because if they didnt their framework would be the slowest piece of shit ever and nobody would use it, but why freeze the parameter bag?

Load the compiled container from the cache, then let me override and set dynamic variables on top if I want, its just a keystore, so it just seems pedantic, unhelpful and utterly pointless

Hello good people i need someones help... i want to build an online teaching website for practice ... like treehouse or pluralsight but a much more lightweight version.
I dont know how to start ;

Which skeletons to use.
Which cms do i choose if necessay.
Should i use node.
Should i use react.
Where do i host it.
Why do i need each point mentioned.
What else do i need.

I learn a lot my self but i really need direction on this one .. its my first big project.

I intend being a freelancer.

I could also do with mentorship from anyone willing here.....!!!!

Just woke up from a dream where I was some sort of secret agent stealing an antique ice cream pie artifact with bro from the NY Public Library freezer but then ended up escaping a shooting by running into the woods and eventually jumping into a river with some guy that was also running.... And for some reason in the end was giving him a piggy back too.

And then last part was "can I borrow ur phone so I can call parents... I left my phone and laptop at the library... (How the fuck am I supposed to go back and get it after stealing this ice cream that somehow hasn't melted or got squished... Well maybe I can just buy new ones after selling this for a few million)"

Scripting for my Unity game
"PUBLIC EVERYTHING!"

Just another day in the meat freezer

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