I have to let it out. It's been brewing for years now.

Why does MySQL still exist?

Really, WHY?!
It was lousy as hell 8 years ago, and since then it hasn't changed one bit. Why do people use it?

First off, it doesn't conform to standards, allowing you to aggregate without explicitly grouping, in which case you get god knows what type of shit in there, and then everybody asks why the numbers are so weird.

Second... it's $(CURRENT_YEAR) for fucks sake! This is the time of large data sets and complex requirements from those data sets. Just an hour through SO will show you dozens of poor people trying to do with MySQL what MySQL just can't do because it's stupid.

Recursion? 4 lines in any other large RDBMS, and tough luck in MySQL. So what next? Are you supposed to use Lemograph alongside MySQL just because you don't know that PostgreSQL is free and super fast?

Window functions to mix rows and do neat stuff? Naaah, who the hell needs that, right? Who needs to find the products ordered by the customer with the biggest order anyway? Oh you need that actually? Well you should write 3-4 queries, nest them in an incredibly fucked up way, summon a demon and feed it the first menstrual blood of your virgin daughter.

There used to be some excuses in the past "but but but, shared hosting only has MySQL". Which was wrong by the way. This was true only for big hosting names, and for people who didn't bother searching for alternatives. And now it's even better, since VPS and PaaS solutions are now available at prices lower than shared hosting, which give you better speed, performance and stability than shared hosting ever did.

"But but but Wordpress uses MySQL" - well then kill it! There are other platforms out there, that aren't just outrageously horrible on the inside and outside. Wordpress is crap, and work on it pays crap. Learn Laravel, Symfony, Zend, or even Drupal. You'll be able to create much more value than those shitty Wordpress sites that nobody ever visits or pay money on.

"But but but my client wants some static pages presented beside their online shop" - so why use Wordpress then? Static pages are static pages. Whip up a basic MVC set-up in literally any framework out there, avoid MySQL, include a basic ACL package for that framework, create a controller where you add a CKEditor to edit page content, and stick a nice template from themeforest for that page and be done with that shit! Save the mock-up for later use if you do that stuff often. Or if you're lazy to even do that, then take up Drupal.

But sure, this is going a bit over the scope. I actually don't care where you insert content for your few pages. It can be a JSON file for all I care. But if I catch you doing an e-commerce solution, or anything else than just text storage, on MySQL, I'll literally start re-assessing your ability to think rationally.

I was 12 years old and it was my first freelance.

I was taking a Web Designer course and my teacher offered me an “opportunity”. He asked me to develop a search engine for a real estate website.

I did it pretty quickly with PHP and MySQL. The amount offered was U$ 20.00 (yeah, I know, it sucks, but it was a good chance to earn experience).

3 months went by, it was the last week of the course and he still hadn’t payed me yet!

End of story: my dad and a couple friends went to the school and had a conversation with him. They said things like: man, you shouldn’t ruin a kid’s dream for twenty dollars. I’m sure he only payed me because he was scared haha

So I guess no movies tonight

Why does MySql least and greatest functions return null if any of the arguments are null? Who was the genius behind the idea that it's the best way to implement it, and to change this behavior in a minor version?

Why does MySql return bigint when i convert a value to integer?

Why does MySql exist?

IT'S CAPS RANT TIME!
MYSQL ERRORS ARE SO USELESS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

I JUST WANT TO ADD A FOREIGN KEY BUT 'Cannot add foreign key constraint' KEEPS COMING UP, AND THE STACK OVERFLOW ANSWERS INDICATE THAT IT COULD BE -LITERALLY- ANYTHING!

THIS IS OF COURSE, AFTER PHPMYADMIN GIVES ITS OWN ERRORS FOR TRYING TO USE THE DESIGNER TO ADD THE RELATION. IT ONLY WANTS UNIQUE FOREIGN KEYS, DESPITE ONE OF THE MAIN USES OF FOREIGN KEYS BEING MANY-TO-MANY AND ONE-TO-MANY RELATIONS!

Had a teacher in high school who ordered us to learn MS Access, even tho most of us already knew MySQL... It was to learn about relations and the likes...
We spend way to long on that subject, because most of really didn't find the Access interface intuitive and she had to walk from table to table helping...
The only two finished the task where those who say screw it and used MySQL 😅

What’s a really expensive MySQL Query? I need to add it to a CMS application for “research purposes”.

F**k companies who's apps use MySQL/MariaDB tables of the table engine MEMORY.

Seriously.

That engine *sucks* to work with as an admin. It's such a huge pain in the ass having to always dump the whole DB instead of taking a snapshot.

And if the replica restarts... Poof. Replication breaks. Cuz all the memory tables are suddenly empty!

Fml. Fmfl. Ugh.

FUCK YOU PHP, FUCK YOU SYMFONY AND DEFINITELY FUCK YOU SHOPWARE.

Don't get me wrong, PHP has evolved a lot, but the stuff people are building with it is just the biggest load of fucking shit I have ever seen: Shopware. Shopware is the most ass-sucking abomination to extend. It's nearly impossible to develop anything beyond "use the standard features and shut the fuck up" that is more sophisticated than a fucking calculator.

The architecture of this pile of crap is the worst bullshit ever. A mix of OOP, randomly making use of non OOP concepts and features together with the unnecessarily HUGE amount of useless interfaces and classes. Sometimes I feel like it's 90% fucking shitty boilerplate shit.

And don't get me started with TWIG. It's a nice thought, but WHY THE BLOODY FUCK WOULD YOU NOT USE VUE IF YOU ARE ALREADY USING IT FOR A DIFFERENT PART OF SHOPWARE. This makes no fucking sense whatsoever and makes development of new features a huge pain in the ass. I can't comprehend how people actually like using this shit.

OH AND THE DATABASE. OH MY FUCKING GOD. This one is bad. Ever tried to figure anything out in a database where random strings (yes MySQL "relational" - you might think) that are stored as text in a JSON format make up some object or relations during runtime?? Why the fuck do you have foreign and primary keys if you don't use them properly??

Seriously you can't even figure out which data belongs to what because the architecture just sucks fucking ass. FUCK YOU Shopware wankers, you suck, your product sucks, your support sucks, your architecture sucks and you keep releasing new versions that regularly break shit even in minor versions.

I used to like PHP, but not in projects like these.

Change of technology. There's one time that the team can't decide what tech to use. So after 2 years of production suddenly we moved from Nodejs to Elixir for server side and MySql to Cassandra for database ... It is crazy that time...

So learning a new language it was so difficult as elixir is functional ... (And I was sucks back then) , and Cassandra is something new to me , which is difficult.

(Hey bit now it is ok )

So, I rarely ask questions, I usually find the answer myself, but, I'm just tired today and maybe my fellow dev ranters can help here.

Is there a way to write a bash script that automatically runs a pre-defined mysql query on local DB and throws that up into production DB?

it's just a simple select and then insert.

Been looking at select into out file, from infile etc

I could do it manually, but I'm going to have to do this more than a few times over the next few weeks and would love to just alias it and be done with it

doesn't seem possible without actually logging into mysql cli each time...on both sides, which sucks

this isn't export/import a table, it's export/import the result of a query

thanks

Just migrated my custom help desk software for work to cockroachdb! Scalability here I come fucking come! And no more fucking MySQL Master Master configs to deal with.

Had to optimize today a DB File / MySQL 5.7

I'm sometimes sad that software cannot bite people in their crotches, shit in their faces and fuck their eyes out.

The config was non commented and a disaster.

Yay. Let's set thread_cache to 16K while max connections is 50.

And raise limits like max files without adjusting SystemD / ulimit

And OF COURSE MySQL sucks...

So let's migrate to PostGres.

*Brainfart*

This has happened way too often.

Really. Software should have the right to punish dumb people. At least ... 10 kv shock to teach a lesson.

I am in need of a good web host for my personal website... the one I use now is free and therefore sucks. I can't even get external access to the MySQL database and their SQL client sucks.

MySQL Workbench 32-bit requires Visual C++ 2013, but all I can find is VS 2015 and later. So you need to have a 64 bit computer now to develop on mySQL databases? Well that SUCKS! A lot of devs work on commodity hardware, i.e. somewhat dated, 32-bit computers. Most devs that I know, including myself, are not interested in the latest, flashiest, most expensive hardware.

MySQL Innodb easily get crashed, bullshit, I just restarted my server now all databases get corrupted. F*ck you OVH

Ok so.. thoughts on MySQL,
SELECT max(column_name) from table_name;
Outputs the max value in the column by kinda traversing the whole column huh... Recursive🤔

While
SELECT concat(column_name) from table_name; outputs simple endl separated srrings. . .. no recursion. PHP backend sucks
😣