!dev !rant

I'm looking for recipe to try and make as I'm a bit too bored and my school life is being a bitch. Can anyone recommend me their favorite recipe?

And yes, I'm bold to assume you guys can cook

O(FUCK)

I write code,
I am a writer.
I fight with bugs,
I am a fighter.
I optimise code,
to make it tighter.

If you see someone coding at mcdonalds, starbucks etc.

"Excuse me, would you like a fork for that spaghetti"

Probably repost.
Loved this.

Not entirely dev related.

Just wondering if I'm the only one on here who actually EATS coffee beans regularly?

😐

Privacy & security violations piss me off. Not to the point that I'll write on devRant about it, but to the point that coworkers get afraid from the bloodthirsty look in my eyes.

I know all startups proclaim this, but the one I work at is kind of industry-disrupting. Think Uber vs taxi drivers... so we have real, malicious enemies.

Yet there's still this mindset of "it won't happen to us" when it comes to data leaks or corporate spying.

Me: "I noticed we are tracking our end users without their consent, and store not just the color of their balls, but also their favorite soup flavor and how often they've cheated on their partner, as plain text in the system for every employee to read"

Various C-randomletter-Os: "Oh wow indubitably most serious indeed! Let's put 2 scrumbag masters on the issue, we will tackle this in a most agile manner! We shall use AI blockchains in the elastic cloud to encrypt those ball-colors!"

NO WHAT I MEANT WAS WHY THE FUCK DO WE EVEN STORE THAT INFORMATION. IT DOES IN NO WAY RELATE TO OUR BUSINESS!

"No reason, just future requirements for our data scientists"

I'M GRABBING A HARDDRIVE SHREDDER, THE DB SERVER GOES FIRST AND YOUR PENIS RIGHT AFTER THAT!

(if it's unclear, ball color was an optimistic euphemism for what boiled down to an analytics value which might as well have been "nigger: yes/no")

"Don't use git, it is too complicated and we don't have time for this."

2 days later the same person made changes directly on the FTP which I later unknowingly overwrote.
Take that you imbecile!

Ranted about that porn work prank.

Forgot a joke the senior linux engineer pulled with me.

I came back from the toilet and sat down. Logged in. Cursor was on the left screen. Looked away and then back. Cursor was on the right screen.

*wait what? hmm must be my memory.*
*looks away and turns back*
*wait did that cursor just move.....?*
*damn what's up with me...?!?*
*turns around and looks back VERY quickly*
*cursor moves all over the screen*

*looks at front usb inputs*
*notices a wireless receiver*

*laughing from the corner where the senior linux engineer is sitting*

MOTHERFUCKER.

My dumb CEO just hired an even dumber CTO. The new CTO asked me the following questions...

1. What is GitHub?

2. What is JSON?

3. What’s an array?

4. What is Get and what is Post?

5. When an iPhone is offline, can it call an API on our server to tell us it’s offline?

6. I know you’ve spent 11 month the writing this backend in PHP but can you change it to Java now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because it’s better.
Me: How?
Dumb CTO: because it is.

7. I know you’ve started to rewrite this codebase I Java but can you convert it to Node.JS now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because Facebook uses it.

8. What is MySQL? Why aren’t you using a database instead?

9. What does NULL mean?

Somehow, I doubt that asshole is remotely qualified for the job.

Fakin shyt for brains.

Yoda speaks like he wasn't careful with his async calls

"a Jedi You are"

This week i have been trying out the programming subject.
So we should program a mathematical function which would figure out pi from a circle.
The teacher had chosen javascript and wanted to show us some javascript he had written.
When he tried to run it, it didn't run
Teacher: Hmm, it doesn't work. Let me try to take a look in the code.
Me: (Rip)
Teacher: The problem with javascript is that it is really bad at helping with finding the error, it doesn't tell anything about them.
Me: (WTFFFF)
Teacher: Oh, it's because i haven't accepted the browser to use javascript on the page
Me: (Slowly realising he is using internet explorer.)
God damnit. Amazing, just amazing.

The marketing department is right next door to my office, and to make room for their new intern, a very high end, large, and noisy printer was 'temporarily' placed in my office. I'm a reasonable person though, and didn't mind this. The salespeople figured out that it makes commercial grade printouts, so for their various presentations and whatnot, they'll print enormous numbers of pages on this thing, and basically use my office as a motherfucking water-cooler. After a few weeks of this, I logged into the printer from my computer, and set it to disallow all connections from MAC addresses other than those in the marketing department, who print far less material on their own, special, dedicated printer. Absolute fucking chaos ensued. Grown men were brought to tears, ultimatums were made, and blood was shed. The hardware guys were down here for over an hour, making up absolute bullshit as to why it wasn't working(which really surprised me).

Long story short, cut off access to printer, sit back and watch the true face of humanity emerge. Seriously, fuck those guys. They have their own goddamn printer.

Today at work, still laugh thinking back to it!

We were on lunch break but the linux support engineers who are on the phones as well have to pick up calls anyways (very small team).

*engineer walks to the table, sits down: Ahhh rest, finally!*
*tringggggggggg*
*engineer pulls a face like 'oh for fucks sake' and walks back to his desk*
*puts headphones on and clicks the answer button just as it disappears*
"really!?! Alright lets finally eat now"
*sits for literally one second*
*tringgggggggggg*
*Engineer seems quite pissed off now. walks to his desk again, puts on headset, clicks the answer button JUST as the call stops again*
"Mother of god, fucking really?"
*stays as his desk for a minute or so, walks back, stays hovering above his chair for a little and finally sits down again*
"Finall......"
*TRINGGGGGGGGGGGG*
"MOTHERFUCKER. THESE GUYS TIME IT OR SOMETHING!?!?"
*walks back to his desk very frustrated this time*
*puts on headphones very quickly and presses the answer button*
*answer works but the call is literally dropped the second he starts it (it was a real client)*

"OH FOR FUCKS FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SAKE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"

*walks back to table again and sits down. Takes sandwich and....*

*TRINGGGGGGGGGG MOTHERFUCKER*

"FUCKING COCKSUKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECES OF WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK EVER"

*gives a deadly look to another engineer: "I am NOT going to take it this time! En-fucking-joy."*

We laughed so hard xD