My dumb CEO just hired an even dumber CTO. The new CTO asked me the following questions...

1. What is GitHub?

2. What is JSON?

3. What’s an array?

4. What is Get and what is Post?

5. When an iPhone is offline, can it call an API on our server to tell us it’s offline?

6. I know you’ve spent 11 month the writing this backend in PHP but can you change it to Java now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because it’s better.
Me: How?
Dumb CTO: because it is.

7. I know you’ve started to rewrite this codebase I Java but can you convert it to Node.JS now?
Me: Why?
Dumb CTO: Because Facebook uses it.

8. What is MySQL? Why aren’t you using a database instead?

9. What does NULL mean?

Somehow, I doubt that asshole is remotely qualified for the job.

Fakin shyt for brains.

Our CTO has been told, this morning by management, that our development department is "too quiet" and that it's spoiling "the atmosphere" of the office space.

So we've ordered mechanical keyboards.

Internship number two.

*walks downstairs to get a coffee*
*CTO (my guider) walks in*
CTO: (dead serious face) "linuxxx (not using my first name :P), come with me please"
*walks along to his office, starting to get reallly fucking nervous*
*CTO and me walk into his office, he sits down and looks at me very serious*
*I'm slightly shaking, nervous, sweating*
CTO: "So."
*oh yes here it is its gonna come I did something wrong fuck fml 😫😥😨😩*
CTO: "So you know quite some stiff around security/privacy. Could you tell me some stuff about why I'd want to use VPN and recommend me some good providers? 😀"
😅
*nearly falls onto the ground from relief*

I explained him some stuff and sent him a list of good providers 😀

wk87 is a dangerous topic for me, i've been through a lot. I apologise for what I am about to inflict on this network over the coming week.

Most incompetent co-worker, candidate 1, "T".

T was an embedded C developer who talked openly about how he's been writing code since he was 14, knew all the C system libraries and functions like the back of his hand. For the most part, he did ... but not how to actually use them, as (based on his shocking ... well everything) he was inflicted by some sort of brain disorder not yet fully understood by medical science. Some highlights:

- Myself and the CTO spent 4 days teaching him what a circle buffer was and how to build one.
- His final circle buffer implementation had about 3 times as much code as he actually needed.
- When the code was running too slowly on the device, we didn't try find any performance improvements, or debug anything to see if there was anything taking too long. No not with T, T immediately blamed TCP for being inefficient.
- After he left we found a file called "TCP-Light" in his projects folder.
- He accused the CTO of having "violent tendencies" because he was playing with a marker tossing it up in the air and catching it.
- He once managed to leave his bank statements, jumper and TROUSERS in the bathroom and didn't realise until a building wide email went out.
- He once .... no hang on, seriously his fucking trousers, how?
- He accused us all of being fascists because we gave out to him for not driving with his glasses, despite the fact his license says he needs to (blind as a bat).

... why were his trousers off in the first place? and how do you forget ... or miss the pile of clothes and letters in a small bathroom.

Moving on, eventually he was fired, but the most depressing thing of all about T, is that he might not even be top of my list.

Tune in later for more practiceSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!!!

I came early today to the office

Found the office locked

Need fingerprint of Project Manager/CTO

With my mouth saying ah.. i blew hot air into the finger print sensor, 5 to 6 times

There u go.office door opened with welcome message

just hacked the system

Genius me

CEO: "What if we invest in our devs (i.e. trainings, certifications) and they leave?"

CTO: "What if we don't and they stay?"

"It's just money"

Our CTO, the first time I broke something on production.

So true ! I've literally seen this happen so many times 😂

Me: We should use git for version control
Tech Lead: We don't need it since we have our own server. That is our version control

*Talks to the CTO*

CTO: What is git?
Me:

So basically there's this guy, that work with us that relocated from a small village south of Italy to the city where we have the HQ.

So after a while this guy has found a girlfriend here and after few days we discovered that he never had sex in his life. you may ask, how did you discover it? Yes, basically he disappeared for a week, his phone was off, no slack, no Facebook, nothing. We couldn't contact him in any way. After a week he gave a call to our cto saying sorry about what happened and explaining that he spent the whole week having sex with his girl, day and night. This story has also a good end because he still has his job.

CTO: I heard about this great architecture of microservices. What is it exactly?
Me: it's building many servers with one responsbility each.
CTO: That sound good. But let keep it simple and build only one big microservice.
Me: 😲
(True story from a comapny a worked for)

The 1st of July, it'll be a year ago since my father passed away.

I made him a promise as he explicitly told me; "Please grow our company, I wouldn't have put you in the CTO position if you sucked at what you do" - so I said I would keep pushing the boundaries.

As per now we've officially broken our set target. Our revenue thus far in 6 months of time has reached to last years total revenue. I take great comfort in knowing that he would have been god dang proud.

July the 1st will be a day with both a smile and a tear. Had to get this off my chest!

Welcome back from vaccation....

Never got the chance to meet my company's CTO... So I started meeting other company's CTO.

Got into the monday tech meeting, CTO be like: we lost 10% of users due to last version, terrible I know, but that's really valuable data, I want you to find out why they left.

I just witnessed this interaction between my CTO and an intern. CTO was a good 30 feet away, so everyone heard:

CTO: *talking about some notepad or something* "I HAVE ONE IN MY DESK!"
Intern: **froze - afraid to go through his desk**
CTO: "TOP DRAWER!"
Intern: ..........
CTO: "GET IT, FUCKER!"
Intern: **blushing - gently opens drawer**
CTO: "KEEP GOING! PAST THE CANDY!"
Intern: "I ..."
CTO: "PAST THE WHISKEY!"
Intern: **softly** "I found it..."
CTO: "THAT WAS HARD!"
Intern: *starts walking back*
(player 3 enters the game) Director of Software: "BRING THE WHISKEY!"

Note: The intern was laughing, he is just a bit timid.

I truly love my job.

I just solved a problem that the CTO and senior devs couldn't get!!! I'm on top of the world!!

My CTO everyone:

"You don't have to assert proper permissions in the backend for this user role, they won't guess the URL anyway. just hide the links"

Yikes.. fml.

CTO: "You must write good tests with high coverage, ideally use TDD. We need confidence in our releases."
Also CTO: *Secretly commits code changes directly to master at 3am, breaks tests, skips CI, publishes, tells no-one*

Learning soft skills.

I'm about as direct with coworkers and managers as I am on devRant. And I still think being painfully direct is often better than playing the heavily politicized office game of thrones.

But sometimes it's better to say:

"CTO, I think we need your skills to build bridges to other departments and manage recruitment. You're the only one who understands both technology and people, so drop your developer role and become our ambassador"

Instead of:

"Dear CTO, your code makes my eyes bleed. Your CS degree was a fucking waste of tax money, and it's quite clear that cheap college beer washed out all of your reasoning skills. We should fill the space you're taking up with a beanbag chair, because you're providing negative value to the company. How many investor cocks did you have to deep throat to get where you are?"

Now, I just pick option one, smile politely, and tell him we need to increase department budget as indemnification for having to work with a retard like him. Uh I mean... "to get developer salaries up to a competitive level so we can retain knowledge"

Inspired by @h3ll, this is a combination of current and former coworkers:

Awkward Wizard:
This guy has the social skills of a microwaved dog turd. He is a genius, but working with him is about as uncomfortable as sticking a grill skewer in your eye and twisting it repeatedly until close of business. He laughs at inappropriate times, and every time he does, an unborn child tears its own ears off. He explains things in a way that only himself and Satan understand, then talks to you like you're a child when you don't follow his logic. He is the guy you hide when the CEO is around. His code is immaculate.

Backstab McGillacutty:
This bowl of bile is the son of a bitch that takes credit for everybody else's work. When you do something good, he was miraculously involved, but when you mess up, this twat is the dicknose that brings it up in retrospective and calls you out by name to the boss. You can usually find these guys talking shit about the CTO, until the boss quits. Then they buddy up with the CTO and become a Joel Osteen-esque evangelist for everything the CTO wants in a shitty, underhanded attempt to climb the ladder. Fuck this guy.

Professor Fuckwaffle:
This coworker used to teach Computer Science classes. Their resume is amazing, and they can speak to the most complex of design principles. This is the shitstain that you hire because of their skill and knowledge only to find out that ol' fuckwaffle can't apply the shit they spout to save their wretched lives. You'll spend more time listening to fuckwaffle lecture than you will reviewing their code (because they cant fucking write any!) You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can't, teach? Yeah, that shit was written for Fuckwaffle.

Last but not least:
Scrumdumb:
This guy isn't even a coder. This guy is worse than the the scum you pour out of the bottom of a slow-cooker that you forgot to wash last time you made chicken. He's a non-technical PM. You know the type, right? He usually says "cloud infrastructure," "paradigm," "algorithm," "SDLC," etc but has no grasp of any of them. He often opens his dumpster to spout off something like "You can just create a new class for that" while talking about HTML. I won't waste any more breath on Scrumdumb, he already creates enough work for me.

Real Story:

Manager: You have to add an extra section in the app to show more details.

Me: We are already showing so many unnecessary details. These changes are not required.

Manager: No !! You have to do it.

Me : Ok !!! So why can't we show it in the section where we are showing the other details. Why make a separate section for it.

Manager : No !! It won't be clearly visible to the user. Just do it.

So I added another section to show useless information that we are already showing it f**king everywhere else in the app.

So I released a new apk next day with the added features.

In meeting, our CTO goes through the app and ask manager....

" Why we have added an extra section for showing same details that we are showing everywhere else ???

Who approved this ?? This is nonsense !!! "

Here comes the fun part.

Manager : I don't know. I didn't ask for it. These changes were not there earlier.

And ask me.

"Who told you to make these changes ? "

I am like... F***k man you a***ole told me to do it even when i told you it will be nonsense.

Ill join in - Our CEO and CTO insist that we can make an AI that can recognize emotions and feelings through Python, R, and some MySQL... mind you, with a team of unpaid interns....

Im sorry, but Id love some of whatever the fuck they are smoking.

Friend asked me, "How does it feel being the CTO of a startup?"

Me: "I feel like the main character in one of those cartoons where train, going full speed, is running out of rail road, so he takes rails from behind the train and puts them in front. And the entire thing is on fire. And everyone you hire is trying to put it out with gasoline."

Friend: "Doesn't your CEO help?"

Me: "Well... He had never seen a train before, and he thought they operate on magic and wishful thinking. And he never realized they need rail track to even run. So... not really"

Friend: "So, it's pretty bad, ha?"

Me: "It's great actually. We just closed our seed round. We're about to launch beta. I might even get 5-6 hours of sleep this weekend 😅"

Boss refused to sing my termination latter saying he wont sign it until CTO returns from vacation (2-3 weeks)... So today i brought my freelance project to work and i work on it.. guess who is making more €/h today and doesnt have to pay for electricity

Never have I been so furious whilst at work as yesterday, I am still super pissed about going back today but knowing it's only for another few weeks makes it baerable.

I have been the lead developer on a project for the last 3~ months and our CTO is the product owner. So every now and then he decides to just work on a feature he is interested in- fair enough I guess. But everything I have to go and clean up his horrendous code. Everything he writes is an absolute joke, it's like he is constantly in Hackathon mode "let's just copy and paste some code here, hardcoded shit there and forgot about separation of code- it all goes in 1 file".

So yesterday he added a application to the project and instead of reusing a shared data access layer he added an entirely new ORM, which is near identical to the existing ORM in use, for this one application.

Being anal about these things, the first thing I did was delete his shit and simply reference the shared library then refactor a little code to make it compatible.

WELL!! I certainly hit a nerve, he went crazy spamming messages on Slack demanding I revert as it broke ONE SINGLE QUERY that he hadn't checked in (he does 1 huge commit for 10 of everyone else's). I stuck to my principals and explained both ORM's are similar and that we only needed one, the second would cause a fragmented codebase for no benefit whatsoever.

The lead Dev was then forced to come and convince me to revert, again I refused and called out the shit quality of their code. The battle raged on via the public slack group and I could hear colleagues enjoying the heated debate, new users even started joining the group just to get in on mine and the cto's difference of opinion.

I even offered to fix his code for him if he were to commit it, obviously that was not taken well ;).

Once I finally got a luck at the cluster fuck of shit he had written it took me around 5 minutes to fix and I ever improved performance. Regardless he was having none of it. Still the demands to revert continued.

I left the office steaming after long discussions with the lead Dev caught in the middle.

Fortunately my day was salvages with a positive technical discussion that evening at a company with whome I had a job offer from.

I really hate burning bridges and have never left a company under bad terms but this dictator is making me look forward to breaking the news today I will be gone in 4 weeks.

I had a friend whom I met in an open-source community. We hadn't been in touch for a while because of the distances of where we were. Coincidentally, we happened to be working in the same city. When we knew that we were in the same city, we decided to meet and catch up. We met over dinner and this person went on and on about his company and how cool the culture was there.

Towards the end, I jokingly said, "If your company is so cool, why don't you get me a job there?"

2 weeks later, he sends me an email address and asks me to send my resume to it.
1 more week later, HR from the company calls and asks whether I can come to office to chat.
I agree and head over there over lunch break. I _speak_ to the person who was going to be my manager and later to the CTO. The CTO asks me a few technological questions and sends me off.
1 week later, I call up HR just to know how I fared in the interview. They say that they'll give me an update within the week.
Next week I get a call from HR asking when I can join. Could I join with 2 weeks of notice period? I could try, the pay was almost double that I was already earning.
I speak to my existing boss about the offer and they offer me an immediate hike of 30%. That gives me a notion that I was already under-paid. I wouldn't want to continue working with an employer who knowingly paid me low (even though I was content with what I was getting already). I make my decision to quit. Puts in my 2-week notice period and join the new company on the said date.

Not a rant, just awesomeness:
At my company our CTO organizes a meeting every month that gives us devs a chance to present new technologies to each other, offer advice about workflows and give feedback about current situations. This allows us to constantly improve.
Thanks boss!

*at front end job interview*
Me: so what kind of version control do you use?

CTO: well, one of the guys here developed our own system.. bla bla bla *turns around laptop*

Me: *sees internet explorer* NO THANKS 😬

CTO: I'm a programmer now *smug* (I'm just like you guys, but paid much better)

Tech leads:???

CTO: I coded python hello world this weekend (I'm a multi talented genius)

I dont trust people who have LinkedIn tagline with any of these combinations.

Blockchain
Machine learning
Artificial Intelligence
Expert
Mentor
Advisor
CTO
Startup

Me: Hey let's do A to help the website.
PO: Yeah that sounds good. but let's do some research about it.
6 months later.
PO: Hay let's do A to help the website.
CTO/CEO/PO's boss: amazing idea. Here's an award and some money for that.
Me: What. The. F...

CTO wants all variables in file to be same length. You cant have "start" and "stop". You must have "start" and "cease".

I'm a bad influence.

It's been a tradition for me to keep a bottle of 'desk whiskey' buried in a drawer at work. A couple weeks ago, I started inviting cube mates over for a drink on Fridays as five pm rolled around.

Soon one of them brought in a bottle of scotch. Then another.
Started observing the afternoon drink on days other than Friday, more folks got involved...

Now the CTO talks about "Whiskey O' Clock" daily.

🍺

CTO joined us to interview a web fullstack today.

Amongst many battle analogies, he said "Fuck the corrupt and the weak. We keep only the best here"

If he watches 300 a couple more times, I think he will start wearing leather underwear and a red cape to work.

I joined a company 6 months ago.
No CTO.
No development process.
Spagetti code.
Takes loads of new requirements on top.

Later
I advised the software head and managing director on how to improve our software development process.
New tools
Less requirement good quality software
New products and micro services.

Both of them agreed but they said they are waiting for new CTO to confim as an authority and responsibility.

Well I cant do much just to do my work.

1 month ago new CTO joined
Revised whatever I advised and implementing it right. I like it.

Got my confirmation after 6 months instead of 3 months.

CTO called me in for review and gave me 2/5. And said you need to improve more.

I asked him, in what do I need to improve.
He replies in technologies and development process.
And he takes credit for all changes and implementation.

I argued about it. I already suggested what you did but was ignore because we didnt have CTO.
Hes like ignored me.
Fucking you CTO.

I'm the leader of a team developing a project at my company. Recently I had an accident which required me to have a surgery, and I was out for the last month.

Since it's an important project, our CTO reassigned a Xamarin dev to help my team (in JEE) while I'm out, you know, cause "C# looks like Java". The guy had to write a file stream handler, and - though the guy does a really good job - it's funny to see how desperately he's trying to understand how Java works with streams. Censored because of reasons.

When my impostor syndrome is going rampant.

!rant

So I have been recently hired at my current job for leading a product team. We're a small team working in a big company which have other teams working on other projects. I like my work and I have been appreciated for my work which I did since my stay here.
So I and my manager were discussing about how more can we automate our workflow to reduce the time to get the final builds. It was late in night. Suddenly someone asked, 'did I hear automation?'. We turned to see our CTO listening to our conversation. He told us that he's having trouble with automation in his project. I was new, so I didn't know what did he work on, so I asked.
Me: So what did you guys work on?
CTO: well, we work on automating stuff for clients and save them money. We earn 100x revenue than your product (In a more humble tone). I am currently looking for someone who can lead a team of developers for handling the automation scripting part. *Provides description of the candidate* Do you guys know someone like that?
Manager: (pointing towards me) It looks like his description.
CTO: I want him in my team then.
Manager: That can't happen, he's required in very important stuff and you're not allowed to poach.
CTO: I think I have the right to poach 😉
Me: OK, so how much raise am I going to get to switch teams (to the manager) and how much am I going to get to stay? Whoever gives me more I am theirs.
CTO: I like this guy

It's day three, I am still awaiting for one of them to tell me who won 🙁

PS: They both are friends with each other.

Feeling like I've gone back in time about 15 years!

Just told my CTO about various improvements we could make to the development process. Things like git, continuous delivery, agile project management apps such as Jira, task management such as Gulp, etc.

His response - "never heard of them. I bet they'll pass in a few months. Just another round of fads".

worst interview was about 2 years ago. I found this job as on a famous website, I applied for a desktop dev. position...the job seemed really easy, after 10 minutes the so-called CTO asked me:" how much do you know C hash?" me:"what?" him:"C hash...the Microsoft programming language" I thanked him for his time and went home crying ( he meant c# )...after a month I found out the company had gone bankrupt...I think I know why..

I started this new freelance project where I am building some android libraries for the client. Anyways, during meeting I was about to present my results and suddenly backend seemed to be down. I looked into the round "are your servers down?"
Team Lead: "Yeah our cto, also our only backend dev, is developing a new feature."
Me: "Okay but why is production down?",
Team Lead: "Ah dont worry we always test on production. We have a pretty solid hardware, we will even upgrade it soon!"
Me:"... How about you just separate your stage environments and have a develop environment?"
Client: "see, this is where our strength is. We dont need a develop stage we have very strong hardware and our backend is fully in PHP"

Thanks God I'm a freelancer

When you read a CV and it states "I am an entrepreneur and have run various startup websites". Experience "Junior Developer... Developer... CTO... Developer" WTF!

No. No. No. You have had personal projects/a blog which is not a startup and does not make you an entrepreneur.

CV goes to trash pile.

!rant
Observed a full deployment the other day and discovered it's extremely inefficient. I proposed an idea to fix it, and was shot down by a senior dev on the team. I was ranting about how asinine the process was and how my process could reduce the amount of time and training required to do deployments with out any additional cost or overhead. A senior dev from another department over heard me, found my workspace and told me (in a nutshell), "write up a document about why the current process is garbage and how yours is better, and how it works, I'll review it and we'll get it worded and formatted right. When we finish the document, I'll forward it to the CTO of your department with your name on it and my recommendation for review." Fuck yeah. 😈😎

I want to print this pic out in enormous size and qty, hang them in many classrooms to show my female friends that it's normal to wear cute skirt and cute shoes while wringing cables on your shoulders.

😏

Our PM is on vacation. And our CTO/CEO takes control of the PM role.

So today he decided it was time to just start a customer change request. Regardless of the customer not having approved the actual solution and estimate.

He just said that he did not want to waste any more time talking to the customer. Now they are gonna get what ever he thinks they want.

I predict this to backfire in a fabulous way. What could possible go wrong🤔

Beginning of a Hackaton and the CTO calls everyone up and tries to instigate everyone with this gem:

"Challenge yourself and what we have. For example, instead of AWS use Swagger."

🤨
Nobody says anything but has the same WTF expression ... How do these person become tech lead?

I don't go to the doctor and tell him what tools to use. I was just told to delete the .scss files because they were taking up too much room and to put all partials and images at root instead of in descriptive folders.

My CTO in the 'good old times', when he still talked to me and shared his wisdom, once told me what I should know about oop and explained me the world of programming and what really matters:

CTO about oop and C#:
"I think this object orientated stuff is overrated and useless. You don't get finished. I write everything in one file. You should do that too. The fastest way is always the best one."

So, dear readers, you might think, he maybe understood, what oop means. I have to disappoint you. He is as FUCKING STUPID as he sounds.
He didn't understand the whole concept of the language C# or oop.
He doesn't use properties, every single method is static void and there is nothing like an object.

Since there is more from where that came from, this will be continued...

Today the CEO asked us to create KPIs to follow a junior tasks, daily.
The problem it's he wants KPIs to foretell problems or delays in his tasks.

The junior is analyzing 14 years old C++ code, made by an electrical engineer who had all worsts practices possible when coding.

We explained that we couldn't make real, true KPI that would foretell the advancement due to complexity of the legacy and the fact that the junior had NEVER USED C++.

SO.... He asked to know how many code lines he made daily and an estimate of how many lines he'll have to do to complete the task.... So he could foretell advancement.

....
....

It was the 5th time in less than 60 days, that the CEO bypass totally the CTO to ask some stupid useless shit. So now all developpers have resign, complaining about the CEO actions/stupidity.

Well, fuck. The CTO of our startup decided to migrate data of our hundred thousand customers from a stable functioning platform to an in-house unstable platform with severe performance issues, to "save" costs, despite our repeated requests. He made us not have any contingency plans because he wanted to "motivate" us to complete the migration.

Result- we have a thousand customers reporting major issues daily, which is causing loss of revenue to both us and them. The company ran out of funding. Most of the team members were fired. And he's expecting the rest of us to magically fix everything. Dunno what kind of office politics is this, in which you're sabotaging Your Own company.

Looking for a new job now to get out of this hellhole. I really used to love this company. Feels sad to see it ruined like this.

Our CTO thinks that front end development is just “a bunch of html tags”

CTO: I told you to be careful with the live bucket and now it's completely exposed to the public. I don't think I can trust you with this can you please generate your files somewhere else. This is unacceptable.
*Me frantically trying to figure out what's going on*
*5mins later*
CTO: ?? Any ideas?
Me: A theory
Workers were executing function X which called save on a model that dint have a path name but instead it called function Y which generated a path for the object to be saved in. This has overridden all the original objects with newly generated ones.

I created my versions out of the newly generated ones. Here's the command and the functions mentioned above.
*Hands over code/links etc*

CTO: Oh I guess I just panicked hahah

All of the functions and commands were written by him and executed... By him.

CTO: Trigger email to everyone when internet goes down. Do this by EOD.
Me: OK
Later
How could I send email without internet.
Confused....

Me (front dev): We should use nodejs for this project...
CTO (back): Nah... Fu*k Node! Php ftw
Now: we have a php framework with a nodejs server for the front end

Prof: "Hey, you can take a look at the source code that we used last year in this research paper"
Me :(surprise because other papers usually don't share source code), "Okay"

A few weeks later:
Me: "Prof, if you use method A instead of method B, you can get better performance by 20%. Here's the link"
Prof:"The source link that you mentioned is for another instrument, not GPU"
Me:"Yeah, but I tested in on GPU and I found it is also applied in my device"
Prof:"That's interesting."
-----------------------------------------------------
This is why folks, sharing the source code that you used in scientific papers is important.

We are building this big-data engine for a client's product for which we were using a cluster on GCP and they were billed ~1100$ for the last month's usage.
The CTO - the CHIEFFUCKING TECHNOLOGY OFFICER told us to hook up 5-6 laptops in our server room and create our own cluster because they cannot afford so much bill.

Applied for a company and received a contract today. I can't believe what I'm looking at. (Graduate software engineer)

- £30k starting salary
- 28 days annual holiday
- no benefits whatsoever
- no work schemes
- reserve the right to tell you to work overtime without extra pay
- reserve the right to work you from home on weekends in emergencies
- you will only work on what they tell you to and nothing else

This company has awful reviews all over the internet which I didn't see until after applying.

Going into their offices for interviews, all I saw was a bunch of slaves on their screens, no one talking, no one smiling.

Spoke to the CTO whose words were, quote: "we only care about making money, we don't care what people are saying about us as long as they are using our service and paying us."

What the actual fuck?

Finally I got a speed up in my GPU!
😎😎🎉🎉

That moment when the CTO fucks up your code

That awkward moment when you made some changes in your code and hope that it will fail so that you can confirm your theory/suspicion.

Otherwise you'll have no idea what's going on.

: /

Job Interview for a CTO role for a premium employer, a big law firm.

All is going well, I am telling them about my years of experience doing complex software integrations in business environments. Talking CRM/ERP, project management and development with external service providers. I tell them I want a salary of 100k and they nod in silence.

Then out of the blue one of the three stakeholders/managers leans over for a final question:
"Soo, we have this really big IT problem and if you would happen to know a solution to it, you would really prove your worth: I have these 10k+ E-Mails in my Outlook folder which doubles as an archive and Outlook keeps getting slower all the time. What can we do?"

The FCC Chairman is going ahead with his plan to repeal net neutrality despite objections from fellow commissioners, the CTO, more than a hundred members of Congress, senators and of course, the people.

What the fuck is wrong with this guy? How far up your own fucking ass does your head have to be to ignore basically everyone's vote against you? What the fuck. This guy is a really piece of fucking work. I hope this bounces back to bite him in the ass real hard.

The first time I caused a massive error on production.

The good news was the site didn't go completely down. The bad news, however, was that it went down for 60% of our users, and because it's only partial, it got detected only after about two hours.

Everyone halted what they were doing to help investigate the issue. When it turned out that my latest commit caused the error, I was told to fix it... with the CTO and senior software architects watching.

It all happened because I deleted one too many line, an if statement, making the accompanying else statement a complete nonsense. It was a corner case code unforeseen by the QA guy.

The attached meme perfectly describes my feeling for the rest of the month following that accident.

I just gave a successful demo to the CEO and CTO of a company I'm doing some contract work for. The questions they were asking led to me going off script, luckily it all worked!

Me - "I need to find the children"
CTO- "Okay. How many?"

It takes about 10 minutes to realize the conversation you just had

"Me getting ready to squash the bug" vs
"Me after fixing the bug caused by my own stupidity"

Please allow me to share my thoughts since I can't totally outrage my frustration because we have this so-called fasting to control our anger towards a person we currently disagree with.

A letter from your loving, sincere, pretty and gorgeous working partner to my young, chubby, smart and clever colleague:

Please do cooperate in times of live editing from the FTP since CTO is not and will never be going to appreciate version control since CTO is too tired for giving a shit and just want deliverables be delivered as fuck perfectly regardless of the resources that we have.

As you know, I tolerated you for not getting the freedom of live editing as what you've experienced from your previous team lead. All I ask of you is to get fresh file from FTP whenever we touch the same file because firstly, God knows how frustrating it is how your hard work is going to be replaced and be gone as much as I do. Secondly, I don't want you to experience how pain in the ass could this be in the long run, and lastly, I don't want any hard feelings to be wasted just because of this.

P.S. I'm too shy to send this to you because I don't want to hurt your feelings and don't want to sound too seriouz and feel old. I also hope we share the same telepathic understanding so we can agree with each other.

Your loving, sincere, pretty and gorgeous working partner,
xoxo ❤️

(thinking of stating my first name) 😂

Back then, whatever finished tasks I have done, our CTO always contradicts my idea and finds a way to humiliate me. I don't get the point why he did that. Probably, he didn't want me to excel at something or he really does have crab mentality. I already reported this issue to our CEO because I was being harassed and submitted my resignation letter.
And boom! Guess what? It looks like our CTO just stepped a chicken manure and treats me nicely like a princess.

P.S. To be honest, it took him like a couple of months to step down and act normal like nothing happened. Really appreaciated the A-ffort, though!

Found out other team's project result about performance for uni assignment. It's that Matlab is the fastest, followed by python and C++ is the slowest.

They are gonna get roasted during presentation (by many people in the audience including me).
This is gonna be fun.
/*devilish grin*/

When I was a graduate I often had to do proof of concepts and one had to be done by the weekend, I'd only been given it on the Wednesday. After a few sleepless nights I had it working or so I thought. On the Friday afternoon the CTO had a look at it and spotted a bug, he told me about it and I stayed in the office until about 10 when I finally managed to get some kind of fix in place. I emailed him told him I thought but was working and shouldn't happen again.

A few hours later no response I get a phone call from him screaming, shouting and swearing calling me useless and a waste of space etc. Etc. To the point I logged in desperately trying to fix the issue in a very hastily written integration and ended up having quite a major panic attack woke up on the floor and immediately went back to work. On the Saturday morning one of the senior Devs logged in and managed to fix it in the database and everything went fine in the end.

I went into work on Monday fully expecting to be fired from the way the CTO was speaking to me, I went to my line manager at the time and he just said don't worry. I left it in his
hands and things went back to normal. That call put a pretty serious dent in my confidence for years, but I learned a few valuable lessons which I stick to today.

Never work on serious shit after 6, use a second mobile for work which is turned off at 5 o'clock, properly test all fixes and always ALWAYS have someone in between graduates and senior management because honestly they can't handle the shit that's flung from above.

Today I looked at some code from our CTO. He used plain SQL Statements with huge selects and no prepared statements.

I asked him:
1. why dont you build some helpers or even use some frameworks?
2. why are there no prepared statements?

His answer (to both questions)
We do not need that. That just uses too much ressources and time. It's more cleaner and simpler this way.

My Face: 😵

I've been working in a company for two tears, builsing it from ground up as a CTO with a CEO and COO. Two years in, with 60 people on board I was managing a project which was bringing serious profit into the company, and they decided to cut me off. Reason: they don't trust me anymore, real reason: CEO wanted more money for himself and less money control from me and the other guy.

Turned out fine as it made me start my own business.

I started at a company to develop an "uber" clone. Hired by the company's cto. I was happy initially as i had been unemployed for a while but that's because i didn't see the shitstorm coming. The task was build this using php, well 2 weeks later and db locking issues because mysql only allows 100 connections and the website takes over 200mb per request, i tried using the meteor framework, a lil better but the orphaned process would require me to reboot every 2 days. So enter erlang, built in 3 weeks works amazing problems none here... Well in comes the cto (which came in once a week). Apparently he had been reviewing my code and didn't understand it. He couldn't understand no for loops etc and demanded that it be made understandable to a normal dev. Did normal devs write uber no. Anyhow i spent the next 6 Weeks refactoring trying to make elixir looks like imperative programming, he finally gave up, so now I'm deep committed writing an API, finish in a week cto comes in and "why aren't you using patch" i don't need it, well another day implanting a patch api that will never be used. Ok done. Now we have a meeting with the investors who i worked in the same building with and they want a frontend built. I explained i was a backend dev and they needed a uiux expert. Next week cto comes back with this jquery fire pit and stolen bootstrap theme and take me with implementing it. This time we scrap the api change some of the backend logic and implement rest from the 90s one static page per request. After 3 months working with jquery I'm let go because of finical issues. I told them i was a backend dev but they didn't listen if the cto would've gotten a frontend expert things would be different but what to expect from a cto who's coding legacy is creating WordPress plugins.

Hopefully things will be better soon I'm tired of living on the streets.

Tuesday.
Director: we need to add our partner's project to our ci pipeline
CTO: we need to add ci to this repo, it should work via this tool (not the one we use now)
PM: we need to use this new tool, figure it out until Friday
TL: we need to move all our projects to this new ci tool, don't ask, the task is given by CTO
Me: okay

Friday.
Me: everything is ready except for this one old project
TL: we couldn't use it for one of our projects
PM: we had difficulties with the new tool
CTO: we couldn't add our partner's project to the pipeline
Director: *gives me a warning for being incompetent*

So my CTO comes to me and asks me to checkout the APIs provided by a particular service and see if we can use them.

After two days of research I go to him and tell him that it cannot be done and it doesn’t fit our use case. He tells me research more although I have researched everything required.

So I take two days doing absolutely nothing, send a mail to the developer of the apis and they tell me that it can’t be done.

Now imagine this kind of scenario occurring every three months. RESEARCH MORE.

Why do super senior members of our company don’t trust me. It’s just so random and anger evoking

At the beginning of April there were 9 of us in Ops, come May there will only be 3 of us left. :/

They've left because they disagreed with some the CTO was trying to do and he fired them, or just because they hate him. Every week it's a new game of "Who's going this time?".

If I do it in python : Finish in one day!
If I do it in C++ :
1 week for installation and configuration
3 days for coding
Another 1 day for troubleshooting...

But I will still prefer do it in C++.

My laptop's fan is blowing so fiercely like someone is trying to mine a crypto on it.

: /

Previous company: The feeling when you spend three weeks on a feature just to have it "rewritten and optimized" by your CTO only to find several major features missing and a litter of bugs.

Thanks buddy.

Previously, I rant in twitter but none of my followers understand them.
So now I am gonna switch here.

Please bear with me. (^.^)d

Imagine yourself being a CTO back then.

Brand new Acura NSX. No MacBooks, ThinkPads are hot. Your company has its own skyscraper. CASE tools are just introduced and they’re hotter than blockchain now. You do software architecture in IBM Rational Rose, typing on your Model M and thinking really hard about Java OOP which is very hot right now.

You have Erlang servers at your own data center. You laugh at people writing in COBOL. You excited about aspect-oriented programming.

What a wonderful time.

It’s a pretty good feeling when you’ve been sweating deadlines, stay in late, worrying about users, testing, maintaining a list of projects as long as your arm but your boss comes to you and low key asks you to be CTO of the company. It’s a small company so we don’t officially have that title but that’s the role I’ll be filling!

Skills required for ML :
Math skills:
|====================|
Programming skills :
|===|

Skills required for ML with GPU:
Math skills:
|====================|
Programming skills :
|====================|

/*contemplating career choice*/
: /

Our CTO doesn't believe that tests improve code quality. We have no tests on any level, no testers/QA, no code reviews. Nada. I wonder why production keeps breaking 🤔 Guess I'll start looking for another job 🤷‍♂️

Had to talk to another team to change 1 value in a database I didn't have access to. It should have taken 2 minutes but instead took them two hours. This was before they went on a public rant in front of the CTO and CEO telling my team how we need to re-architect everything we've done in the past 8 months because it didn't meet their personal standards.

I have never even met these people prior and all I needed was 1 fucking value changed. Somehow my company thinks this is culturally acceptable.

10 PM (after a very busy working day), CTO calls me and tells me: "We decided to hand in the new version to [random client] one week earlier, so they can test it."
Me: "I don't think is a good idea, the app is still unstable, we started working in it yesterday, it *will* crash"
CTO: "Don't you worry, at least they know we are working on it"
20 minutes later
CTO: "WTF why did you make my app crash?! I can't send this to a client!"

Told you. That is why that code is on develop and not on master.

Wooaaah job offer as cto and shareholer in startup... or senior developer in established business.

How can i even make that choice.

Every project ever :
Initial plan :
||===================|| 100 %
Actual submission
||==|| 13%

- Not enough money!
- Not enough people!
- Not enough time!
- Not enough resources!
- Hardware not supported
- Software not supported
- My team are useless
- God didn't like it. :/

Hope you all are surviving well

Few changes here and there in my life and staying away from lots of things including DR. Not technically a rant but kinda a summary of my current life story.

- broke up with gf (to be precise, I dumped her because I don't wanna have a RS anymore). Pretty bad thing for her and she is still having a hard time accepting it.
- took a second job, part-time.
- trying to get few more part-time/consultant kind of jobs.
- step down from CEO/CTO position at my business and trying to focus just to be a better CTO.
- 80% of sale teams resigned or asked them to resign.
- found a new investor but no cash received yet.
- have to touch nodejs (at the part-time job).
- left side eyelid is twitching pretty frequently lately.

Not much. That's about it. Now let me check what the heck are you all up to lately.

My non-programmer friend (a mechanical engineer) has better pay doing what she loves.

I have lower pay, clocking more hours, and stress, doing a subject that I don't like.

Should I change profession?
: /

Our company is restructuring and our CTO offered me the lead architect role. I'm currently the dev manager for about 40 guys and girls. I was delighted.

So, because I believe people make shit up in the absence of information, I called my seniors in to explain the possible restructure. To my surprise (and shock), they dropped the following pearl on me...

If they had to report to anyone else, they're going to leave the company.

I tried to convince them that one of them can apply for my role, also no.

Don't get me wrong, I love my team and do feel flattered about their response. But I also feel a bit trapped/confused now. I've spent the last 6 years building and protecting the team from 5 guys. And frankly, I'm tired and just get back to focusing on coding.

Any sage advice?

This occurred on a company wide chat

Developer: Getting an error insufficient space on disk when uploading to server, any clues?

CTO: Let me Google the error a second.

Not sure if he was joking...

* Sending "less" data
* Number of ads won't change

Intern at Microsoft: Should I rephrase the messages so that it becomes a little bit subtle?
CTO(or whoever the fuck is in charge of rolling out windows update): Let it be direct and on the nose. Fuck this shit.

(Edit): Always forget to attach the image.

We were running an obfuscator as part of our build pipeline, but also were not. I discovered we had disabled every rule, and after asking around it turns out that the obfuscator broke the app (because of reflection and things I won't go into).

So I turned it off.

An hour later the CTO came to me and said to put it back. "We have to obfuscate, put it back."

"But... it wasn't doing anything, other than slowing the build down."

"I don't care, we HAVE to run obfuscation. It's in our contract with the client."

...

Petition to change the Anonymous logo from this to this
🤡🤡

Other people : save money to buy car, house, etc...

Me : save money to pay for this f*cking degree where 80% of what they taught will be useless after graduation.

: /

I have a new Job as a full stack developer, so Im here to tell my story, you see,I told my boss today that im quitting,
Which he replies by telling me to wait, to see if he can get the CTO to pay me more,
now the CTO sais, "HE IS ONLY A BACK END DEVELOPER, HE'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT, I THING WE ARE PAYING HIM MORE THAN ENOUGH" So I said fuck him and left :D

S̠̪͓͓͐̑̑ͥȉ͎̦̬̱̤̣ͯ̆ͩ̃̌n̦̙̙̦͉̟̟͋ͬ̉ͫ̍̈́̚c͓̰͚͚̆̎ͦͫe ̹ͨ̚ͅt̠̟̦͍͕̑̾ͬͬ͒ͦͅǒ̪̩̑m͍̖̭o̝̬͚̦̥̺r͌̋ṙ̒̐̄ò͙͓ͭw ͩ̔̿̎ͤ̋ͮi̼̭̦ͥͣ͒s̪̰̃̂ ̲̰̮̣̮̌ͭͬ͆̔H͉̳a̠̲̟̹͓̰͎͐͆ͥ̓͋̍̎llo̱̺͖̲͑̒̿ͨw̜͓̟̺̹̹ḙ̭̳̬͇̻ê͖̼̮ͥ́n͉̺͑̽,̫̲ͪ̅ ̫̲͓̟̳̋͊̇̆̈̓ͅľ̠̰̅et̠̩̟̦͉̦͕͐̓ͦ͌ͩͥ̓s̱̓ p͔͚͈͎̰͓̘ra̰̘̥̗̲̯͓n͎̪̠̗͎̬k̈ͬ̊͛̉̅̚ ȏ̻͇̫̰̞ͣ̌̄̌uͤͭ͑ͯr͉̗ͅ ͊̊ñ͙̯͈͑͑o̗̙̍ͤn-͚̘͎̣͑͊͑̇̔ͅtͨ̽̿͑̇̚ḙ̱̾ͭc͍h ̯͖̓ͯf͓̗̥͔̥̬̎͒ͤ́͒ͯr͍͙̋̋ȉ̤en̥̻̦̥d̟̜̟ͬͩ̈́s͍͕̦̭̣͉̿̔̇ͯͥͬ ̲͛w̞̽i̥͕̙̹ͅt͖̠͕̒̍̈́h͉ ͊͐ẗ̒́̄̍͊h̗̜͔ͅi̖̟̫ͪͨ͊͊́ͅͅs ͚̩̟̐ͦͩ̔ͅz̰̫̦̹͖̙ͅḁ̗̬̪̪̰̋̐̂̈́̑͆l͂̓͐̈́g͖ŏ͓̘̳̝̩͍̯͆̈̎̈̍̚ ̫̞͕̺̣̌ͬ͛͋̿t̤̰͍̼̘͖͈́̇̄̂ͭͬͮe̘͖̠̠̓̊ͤ̅x͉͙͎͈ͩ̂̉͂t͙̞̣̖͖̀̎̽ͮ̇.͎̣̤

Me and the unofficial CTO (3rd party's CTO) are interviewing an ios dev. (I'm an android dev, btw)

CTO: In your view, would you find developing an ios app would be faster or at the same speed as an android dev?

Me: *shock*

Canidate: I've never developed on Android before, but I'd think it would be the same speed. We both need to make screens, views, and type code.

I could write 20 pages ranting but it can be summarized in a few words that describe the situation pretty well:

My 'CTO' doesn't understand basic OO principles (say, inheritance) nor functional programming.

Being called into a meeting where you get fired for an argument you had with your CTO. But the CTO left 6 months ago and the sales department are suspiciously low on deals in the pipeline...

Shame really, I loved that job and the Dev team was great, shame the directors were bastards.

Yeah i applied for a job once without much js experience. I got invited for an interview and a couple of tests. The interview went well. I think the cognitive test wasn’t bad either.

However they wanted to see funky js shit i hadn’t ever done or see before and also was totally useless skill wise.

I asked if i could google answers (who doesn’t in their daily script job?) but i wasn’t.

I tried for like 5 or 10 minutes and then blurted out to the major CTO super tech savy master degree microsoft-o-worthy, that my js skills weren’t up for the task.

He gave me a couple of links to pdf’s with programming basics teached at a high school. Totally cool and understanding.

I walked away ashamed and probably red as a tomato. Excused myself for wasting his time and left as quickly as possible.

If this isn't the worst thing.

I was asked to develop a WordPress plugin as an intern developer and I've been on it since last week. I got stuck when i finally had the loops running but couldn't find a way to format the output without overwriting the existing values on each iteration.

For the last one week I've been showing the progress on my code to the CTO and this is how it has been.

Me: Hello. Everything is coming along fine, I have most of the functions running properly, do you mind looking into the algorithm?

CTO: Oh not at all, let's see what you got. Omg great code for an intern. I think you should add a new variable there and maybe clean up that function over there because it's deprecated now and yeah HaHa, Great work.

Me: Thanks xD I'll have it finished latest next week.

CTO: Oh great. I can't wait to see what you'd have by next week so we can install it on our WordPress.

*Next finally week comes and I'm done with the code.

Me: Hello, I'm done with the entire code! Want to take a look? The plugin works just exactly as described.

*CTO takes a look

CTO: Omg?

Me: Omg?

CTO: This is completely bad programming practice, so you are running 4 nested loops that all send queries to our data base and make changes to data. This would have a very drastic effect on the server considering the traffic we get.

Me: But you saw this exact code last week and said it was okay, I only changed some CSS since the last time.

CTO: Omg, we can't accept this, you have to develop it again from the scratch without using those loops and queries.

Me: What? Okay, fine. Any hints?

CTO: Yes.

Me: What?

CTO: Just start. That's the greatest hint I could ever give. And also, always have a plan before you begin.

Me: Yeah, thanks for those. It's the first time I'm hearing them and they would totally be applicable to building this thing.

Treat your servers like cattle, not as pets

I've been working for 12days straight to develop 6 different pages in an admin panel. The CTO decided to launch only 2 of them! Yesterday, I was late so he asked me to be more regular and produce results with a mixer of insults and profanity.

Dear CTOs, I know sometimes you guys just want to burst out but stop for a minute then try not to be an asshole. It has the complete opposite effect on an employee.

You being an dick will achieve only one thing, you being a dick.

The look I give to my friends when they asked dumb questions in class.

CTO s shouldn't write software once there are more than 50 devs in the company. They shouldn't make tech decisions. It is time for you to back off and help with more important things. We really need you to get process nailed down. We really need you to help us understand business better. Not writing code.

Again I ended working for a company where people love to pride themselves because they're 'agile'.
Basically they bought A JIRA license, that's all.

The CTO decides the estimates privately.
He assign the stories.
No idea what's a retrospective.
The sprint ends whenever he wants.
No CI.
New stories continuosly added to the active sprint.

That's the risk of agile, unchecked power.

Going to a tech entrepreneurship meetup only to strike a conversation with a guy who looks for a CTO and mind rapes you for the entire mingling time. FMDL <-- this is me coining a “Fuck my dev life“ expression. Remember this day ;)

First it was the "set up WampServer so the client can use our database", to which I told her we should use an embedded database, to which she told me to do.

Then the "Just give the client a .jar file and install the JRE in his laptop" to wich I told her we can make a native installer, to which she fucking assigned to me.

Then the whole fucked up management thing with no design whatsoever and the "we don't need version control".

To just a few hours earlier, when she got mad because I set up a Slack for us to exchange information easily, she told me she was already mad because I shared the project by Google Drive and that she worked in security and knows the risk... AND AT THE SAME TIME, she uses Gmail to share the project.. BRILLIANT !

When the CTO asks if you could do a "quick deploy" at 4.50 on a Friday

so I left uni after my PhD and joined a start up where the boss is a Cambridge grad who does coding and is like 50 years old (he never told us the true value), the CTO is very talented and another dev who quickly became my best friend and me doing data science. the 4 of us worked together like friends and the efficiency was fantastic, there's no bureaucracy bullshit or shit boss talks. We built the whole thing from scratch (okay I admit they did most of the building) and to this day, we work just has we have been.

I want to be the CTO in ten years. I'm 25 now, and think it's possible. My former boss was the CTO and he inspired the hell out of me to work hard and invest in myself. I have a lot to learn but I'm eager to figure it out.

my CTO is on 2 week vacation, guess what he did on his last day...
installed a camera with a microphone in our office. coincidentally right near the devs...

i'm afraid to talk with my colleagues...

My CTO strongly discourages working from home because he insists that "leaning over to the next cube to ask a question" is far better than sending a message, email or making a phone call. He went as far as saying it takes too much effort to do the latter... How is interesting someone while they're working more efficient???

Hi everyone

I'm currently an intern in a startup
I started 3 months ago and I will finish in 1-2 months

From the beginning, all the team is very nice with me and say that I do a really great job
I could learn many many things and I can say my ideas during the project

This is a message to CEO/CEO, you see, if you offer a really good internship with interesting tasks and technologies, student like me are really motivated, want to learn, want to really participe to the project even if I do more hours than I have to do
Because we, students, are like you : interested in new technologies and great ideas

Offer good internship and you will be happy to have good and motivate intern in your Company

Thank you!

Friends were having great and fun time last night partying after (also) last week partying.
And now someone's having friends over for dinner in the shared kitchen.
While here I am hours staring at my screen trying to break the algorithm.
: /
______________________________
Me : Enough with coding! I need social life!
5 min later :
*Checking devrant and reddit/programminghumor

When you find out the CTO of the org you work for doesn't allow Excel macros "because they can bring viruses".

When your coworker quits and the CTO (in an attempt to smooth things over) tells you (an engineer) "Don't sweat it, Engineers are replaceable."

!rant.

Most QAs are dumb beasts, unable to think clearly or rationally, lazy parasites that suck the lifeblood out of a project.

Except this one guy I work with. He blackmailed the CTO to move, and landed himself a junior dev job.

He joined my team a few months ago.
"Right" says I "forget the crap you've learned so far. Here's a list of algorithm books from Amazon. Order them and read them. There'll be a test at the end."

He did. He is now reviewing lead dev work and merrily trolling their poorly performing work. Speaking to them in Big O (and so confusing the crap out of them) and earning stars at every turn.

I'd like to think I had a hand but all the effort was his.

I was mentoring a group of students and helping them with their graduation project. I taught them NodeJS, MongoDB & few other things.

One time, one of them came to show me her code, and it has the weirdest and most bizarre structure ever!

I asked her, “who told you to structure your code like that? This is wrong! I didn’t teach you this way!”.

She replies: “<<a local shitty tech startup name>>’s CTO”

When I searched about him, he’s a civil engineer who founded a startup and assigned himself as CTO with no technical background or knowledge whatsoever! FFS students believe that he’s a real CTO and started learning from him 😑 His code was so bad in every way that a fresh would write a better code!

When you go out for lunch and interns from other companies dress better than you do #ctoproblems

Reviewing the code of my then new CTO, who said "I can also code and have experience in Java" - 50 lines of code, I added over 30 comments to his Pull Request. In the end, I rewrote his complete code.

I was in the last stage of a 12 hour interview process (over 3 days), meeting with the CEO/founder of the company. His final conclusion was (and he said this directly to me) that he felt I would do really well, and that my skill set was perfect and all the feedback from the interviewers was top notch...but he asked if I was published or had any patents. I said “no”. So, he paused and then said “well, without a full 4 year degree or either having been published or having any patents, I think we would be taking too great a risk. I mean, there’s a chance you would work out. I have taken that chance before, and he’s now our CTO. But I’m just not sure about this”.
I was not offered the position.

The new CTO promised us better coffee in his introduction meeting. Honestly felt pretty trivial and part of his used car salesman pitch to us.

A month goes buy and he replaces our shitty drip Starbucks breakfast blend coffee with ... Starbucks coffee machines. I shit you not these things have touch screens on them. So I tried two cups of each bean type and ... this stuff is really really bad. It's literally worse than the drip brew. It's so fucking terrible I have trouble finishing a cup.

God damn it!

So i heard from my friend that CTO had asked Android team to make the app be able to root the phone upon installation.

Dude wtf are you smoking?!

Dear CTO who approved his own code changes without testing or review,

Why do you hate my master branch? What has my master branch done to you? Did you have to break it?

Company is about to get certified to ISO 9001:

Kick-off meeting with consultant announced weeks ago, mandatory for all employees.
Everyone is kind of joking about it, but also looking forward to certain workflows maybe changing to the better.

Two hours before meeting, told by CTO not to attend.

Some code I hadn't touched for half a year needs urgent patching to make the equipment pass EMC test (doing so within a few hours would help us save the lab cost for another day of testing).

When they applied RF noise to the bus lines, the CAN peripheral would glitch and need reset, this should happen covertly the first few times without raising any error to the user, so they could just finish the testing without being disturbed by the error - and the EMC lab will not test the functionality of the device after all.

The irony when you were actually supposed to learn about quality that day...

"Yes, the work could have finished way earlier. But it's easy, and I would have probably been bored of it and left earlier"

Finally got the reason why our fucking CTO couldn't create a fucking stable Backend for almost a year while the frontend team got all the slack because certain things are still not functioning well and while the marketing team every fucking time got their face red while showing the demo because the fucking api is not stable. Seriously, we wasted a whole year just because you could write something more interesting and enjoyable. Fuck you. Never been this willing to murder someone.

Context: A simple booking platform. No need for creating a complex distributed system while our userbase may not even be in million even on a peak season.

And he laughily commented maintaining it would be a headache.

I could seriously kill someone right now.

When i interviewed, my employer told me that they were fine with me using linux at work. "No problem" they said. Today, the CTO called me into his office and told me not to bring my computer back to the office again, we're a Mac shop.

Guess I'll have to comply, but what the fucking hell?

I hate Macs so, so much.

Seeing how cool the community's work stories here, and how they know a lot and how they work in organized companies makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit who's lacking a lot of industry skills.

Remotely working for a startup that lacks any sense of organization, CTO is a volunteering web developer who never shows up. A lone wolf I am. I never signed to be a lone wolf. A product that is based on an absolute garbage product that is in turn based on another utter garbage product. It feels so much pain every time I have to deal with that garbage that I end up watching some stupid anime instead. Decent salary for a junior, very friendly people, and a very empowering non-profit cause but still... technical side is just shit and I don't think I can keep with this.

Sigh :(

Intend to help a friend to find out what's wrong with a software installation in his laptop today...
But forgot that his Windows installed in Chinese version... how am I supposed to help.... (; _ ;)
I can't read Chinese... can't even find how to open Control Panel...
_________________________________
My native language is not English, but I always have all my techies set up in English.

so our CTO wants to tell us a inspirational story but starts like "You developers create bugs...." wanted to shoot myself of his great self in the head

So I recently started a new job and there's a boot camp as part of the on boarding process. I'm new to scala, I have python and golang backend experience.

During the scala session, the CTO shows us some examples and gives us an exercise to create a Todo REST API with user authentication, then goes to a meeting.

He was using a library called "bacon" in one of his examples, so we were busy struggling to get shit to work and googling "how to do x with scala bacon lib" with no results and we finally gave up.

CTO comes back 30 minutes later and wants to see to how far we got, so we ask him about this bacon lib only to find out that it's their own awesome framework. &$!#%

Here's how it usually goes:

1) I estimate the different aspects of the assignment to the best of my abillities, based on customer criteria and information. I come up with an realistic estimate for development and testing.

2) My PM runs the numbers through an algorithm. It adds time for other stuff, but its all still very fair and in tune.

Now to the fucked up part.

3) My ceo and cto looks at the estimate, and he will just turn on every possible button and twist the estimate into what he thinks he can get the customer to pay🤢🤮

This ends in the customer saying - no thank you.
He comes back to us and does not understand why they declined.

Idiot!

Submitting my changes for review and my CTO catches the line:
```js
console.log("It fucking works")
```

Some years ago but it's funny.
The company give to me a new laptop with windows Home Edition,
After few months I have installed Pro Version.
1 month later the laptop didn't work anymore, nothing on display, no beeps, zero.
Tried to replace ram and check but nothing works.
The CTO asked the supplier and they asked about SO, and they said it's not turning ON because i have installed Windows Pro.
Than the CTO had a brilliant idea: try put the hard disk in another laptop and install Windows Home, and put back in the defective one. I refused to to that, it's stupid and he insisted, then I put the laptop in his desk and I said: if you want do this you can do, im not stupid enough to do this.
He got really mad, 1 week later i got a brand new one 😅

!Rant

CTO: "We have a project that is the top most priority get it done"
CTO: "We have some tickets logged for another project get them fixed this is of the highest priority"
CTO: "I want a new feature in another project I want this done now It is top priority!"
Next day, Client comes in CTO shows him around
CTO: "You are still working on this!"

... Arg, its as if the guy thinks giving something a top priority gets it done instantly

...What a day ,
"CTO new priority need this project started and completed ASAP."
Me: "What about my current project you wanted me to work on that was a high priority which took over Another project I was supposed to be working on?"
CTO: "This one is a higher priority than both of them"
Me: "ok sure shall get onto it".
PM: "A client has come in with an issue on another project I need this fixed now".
Team leader assigns me a bunch of tasks that need to get done which is ok but 5 people need me to get it done so they can do the bulk of their work.

Later for a side project CTO asks me to get a list together of things that are missing for this side project, about 60 seconds later he asks me to send him the email now - bare in mind nearly 300 assets I need to go through which are not organised so what the heck I just send him it mid sentence.

End of day get told that CTO wants me on yet another different project...

Each of these projects takes 4 months to get done. But arggggg... oh and then I hear that our new PM has decided to cut all project deadlines by half....

I am but a single person,
I just want to sit back and watch everything burn around me... But the company has a history of Scape goating people on failed project deadlines... Never a dull day in the office but tbh kinda like it.

Just here to see if any of my employees are talking shit. lmk.

!rant

Hello World!

Just wanted to ask about the best souvenirs in Munich, Germany?

Our CTO is currently having a consultancy work in Munich, and would like to let him repay his debts for not delivering deliverables on time or should I spank his butt instead? So much for his demands and ignorance! 🤔 😈

Or any recommendations that could be of help?

Danke!

Submitted my first proposal for a freelance gig and didn't win the bid but I don't feel bad about it. Asked for feedback and it turns out I lost because the dev who they chose had a recommendation from someone the CTO (decision maker) highly respected. He loved my proposal and appreciated my efforts on it and my bid was marginally lower than the dev they chose.

Overall it was a positive experience and I may have established a good report with the CTO in the process.

CTO/CEO (previous place) - we're not production engineers, so we're going to fork your code base and move way faster than all of you and then you can maintain it. Doesn't that sound inspiring?

25% of the company: ha... Here's our 2 week notice.

My CTO uses an array instead of objectto keep list of items with random numerical keys. I told him you’re creating multiple unintended undefined members in between, he said: yeah that’s how silly JavaScript is :-|

Not sure if this should be a proper rant about the reasons behind this, or a simple 'so much win' situation..
CTO asked how I'm doing with task xy.. my answer: mostly should be fixed, but I'm trying to figure out this zz thing.. It is so fucked up, I can't make sense of it.. before I could really finish the sentence CTO was like: shut up, don't tell me about it, we know, just please fix it..can you fix it? Please say yes..and don't talk about this anymore.. 😂😂😂

I sometimes hate my boss (CTO in a medium sized company). Despite that he is a real genius, he changes his mind every fucking day, only because he has 'thought through' a fucking problem which should not be in his concerns. That is my job you fucktard! You haven't been coding for 20 years and now you tell me how to do my job. But then when I need valuable input from you, you SKIP my scheduled MEETINGS FOR WEEKS!

JUST LET ME DO MY JOB, I'M NO IDIOT, BUT YOU GIVE ME THAT FEELING THAT I AM ONE!

The moment when your CEO freaks out because he can’t login and starts insulting your architecture because he thinks its a caching issue even though it is a cookie issue because his CTO changed the domain on your cookie for no reason.

Company uses legacy "Web app" which only runs on an old version of Internet explorer. CTO told us to use a Windows VM since we have mac to run it. All for a website..... Ahhhh

My current boss.. and CTO.. both are great & really laid back, they don't fuss about smoke breaks and are both keeping me in line so that I don't do much overtime (I am a freak for fixing stuff that gets easily consumed by the code)..

Some tech from our ISP decided to fiddle with our connection during stand up. Our CTO is all up in his business, trying to figure out what the issue is. The tech is being pushed more and more away as our devops people join in on the chaos. Meanwhile I'm having coffee and looking forward to lunch.. Can't test if I don't have access to the server.

You know what really grinds my gears?

When the CTO inserts himself into your development workflow even though he hasn't programed, let alone touched the keyboard in about 40 years.

I hate corporate doublespeak.

A CTO was fired after 2 years at the position because he insisted on some projects that didn't stick and were not profitable for the company. The word spread throughout the corridors that he was destroyed by the CEO in a board meeting, and soon after he left. The HR sent an e-mail right away for the entire IT sector THANKING him by "the invaluable effort in bringing in important projects to the company that raised the tecnology to the next level".

Oh, come on.

When your CTO asks whether or not its CMD + or CMD - to make things "bigger" 😂

The reason why I like to code alone in the dark is so that people cannot see my dumb mistakes such as 'forgetting to hit run after compile and wasting 10 min wondering why my code didn't show on the console'.

: /

"I'm no idea what your angular or selenium means" Cto in a meeting...

Wouldn’t like to be VISAs CTO today.

For the love of GOD, if you're an architect or someone in the position where you can make drastic changes to the overarching design of a software system, if you're so keen on enforcing something "cool" just because you've read about it in a blog post/seen it on a youtube video, READ ABOUT IT THOROUGHLY, as in, pick up a fucking book or do actual research. An architect overseas just informed us that a whole legacy PHP application (a fucking monolith with a dysfunctional database, yes, I think someone demented designed it) should be rewritten to a microservice architecture (without a messaging broker, just plain API interaction through HTTP) AND WE'RE KEEPING THE DATABASE WHICH BEGS TO BE PUT DOWN FOR GOOD. So now we're gonna have a clusterfuck of tons of PHP microservices (Q_Q) which interact through plain HTTP APIs (swagger's gonna be put to a test) and all have a single broken database in the center. Talk about a microlithic design. Jesus Christ.

When your CTO has full access to the production servers and makes SQL changes directly without following process. Then breaks production and tells everyone "this is why we need to follow process!". Then proceeds to break it again hours later.

I'm currently founding a startup right after graduation. As the CTO with no employees at the moment I'm like every position in the company related to dev and Ops. It's the biggest challenge I've faced as a dev so far. Though I really learn a lot and grow mature pretty fast and it is challenging in a good sense from a technical perspective, I'm facing hard personal problems like insecurity in decision making, doubting my skills since I'm definitely no senior and a mid to high effectiveness to stress.

I've mixed feelings about the pure speed and developments right now, but the good side of things is far more exciting then the bad side is frightening.

What truely pisses me off though, is the missing time to spend here on devRant. FUCK. FML.

Have a good (REST) weekend.

The CTO was on stage at the annual employee meeting. After some time he said:"well,I never wanted to hire X and Y. They're doing nothing but nonsense and the technic they are using is nothing but a hype."

The technic he talked about: Java, object oriented programming and cloud applications...

"The MVC framework is just a hype, we dont need to refactor our ASP.NET webshop" - former CTO

Dudeee, its a pattern not a framework, ever heard of 'single responsibily' instead of these monolithic 8000 line helper classes!

So in my company there few small teams all with lead devs. One team is leaded by a girl who changed her profession. She's good at architecture/Dev stuff. But one thing she's terrible at is her leading role. She won't confront any bad behavior, she won't ask about any problem with the tasks. She won't ask her tram how long will the tasks take, so she puts her own valuations.

But the killer is she's whining everyday to the management about her team members. That they didn't do their tasks/don't want to cooperate. Never looking in the eyes even when she whines about a person in the same room.

Another thing is that our CTO is always doing her leading job, confronting team members, giving them reprimends. She lost all her authority by this. Nobody respects her. And after a slight note about her behavior you just gonna get a big talk with CTO and nothing will change.

Another thing is that, she Nevers connect with her team. Don't talk together, won't go with them for the coffee, never at the integration parties.

That CTO connection is another topic...

Oh and I'm by the next month I'm gonna be throwed into her team, so wish me luck...

Fuck start ups with large projects with no continous integration setup on git... and very many junior devs including the CTO(Not even a googling guru).... for fucks sake we cant deliver spaghettis as iF we are coding a restauRANT... fuck this shit load of a project....

!rant

TLDR; time to look for alternatives

Had a negotiation appointment with our CTO recently, due to the fact that I am going to finish my apprenticeship by the current year. As I heard from colleagues that the average pay for a finished apprentice isn't really the best, I wanted to try myself at bargaining it a bit higher.. So we went into the meeting and I brought up my argument, bossman just shrugs it off as laughable and that he can do it 100x better, so why should I define my pay on that.. The appointment was just very uncomfortable after that, no appreciation of my efforts at all. Not like I already work like a normal employee just with a quarter of the pay 😑

What I want to write :
//TODO : Parallelized this sh*t ???

What I actually write :
//TODO : Parallelized this part later if possible (i.e after checking if overhead doesn't cost too much)

Sigh.. I want to add more of my personality in my code.
: /

You constantly see these professional profiles with labels such as 'Expert'/10 years experience/senior/CTO/CIO/Consultant.

Isn't it funny when you go and work with these people in the field, they appear to be frauds? How can these people legitimately have these titles and know less than a snotty freshman year student? Their knowledge is so poor, a 14-year old with basic Windows and Javascript knowledge could outmatch them. If only this weren't true.

I think it's very unfair because they attract employers and they even get hired, while some of us with veteran knowledge in several fields don't get considered for a job.

May I add that it's always the funny guys who get a job. Apparently being a relatable frat bro at an interview is more important than having priceless expert knowledge.

I just bought my laptop last year.
But I already crash it several times due to my horrendous C++ programs.
Lifespan is greatly reduced.

/*Please bear with me, sweety!
At least, until graduation!*/
: /

I was doing an asset management project for the CTO of a small company in ASP.NET and the CTO decided to stick his crap smeared fingers into the development because he 'developed' a completely different AS/400 system which everyone complained was like having a dog smear it's balls all over your screen while taking a dump on your keyboard. Fucking idiot would have given me 2 weeks extra work with all the shit he broke if it wasn't for version control.

Oh god where do I start!?

In my current role I've had horrific experiences with management and higher ups.

The first time I knew it would be a problem: I was on a Java project that was due to go live within the month. The devs and PM on the project were all due to move on at the end. I was sitting next to the PM, and overheard him saying "we'll implement [important key feature] in hypercare"... I blew my top at him, then had my managers come and see if I was OK.

That particular project overran with me and the permanent devs having to implement the core features of the app for 6mo after everyone else had left.

I've had to be the bearer of bad news a lot.

I work now and then with the CTO, my worst with her:
We had implemented a prototype for the CEO of a sister company, he was chuffed with it. She said something like "why is it not on brand" - there was no brand, so I winged it and used a common design pattern that the CEO had suggested he would like with the sister company's colours and logo. The CTO said something like "the problem is we have wilful amateurs designing..." wilful amateurs. Having worked in web design since I was 12 I'm better than a wilful amateur, that one cut deep.

I've had loads with PMs recently, they basically go:

PM: we need this obscure set up.
Me & team: why not use common sense set up.
PM: I don't care, just do obscure set up.

The most recent was they wanted £250k infrastructure for something that was being done on an AWS TC2.small.

Also recently, and in another direction:

PM: we want this mobile app deploying to our internal MDM.
Us: we don't know what the hell it is, what is it!?
PM: it's [megacorp]'s survey filler app that adds survey results into their core cloud platform
Us: fair enough, we don't like writing form fillers, let us have a look at it.

*queue MITM plain text login, private company data being stored in plain text at /sdcard/ on android.

Us: really sorry guys, this is in no way secure.
Pm: *in a huff now because I took a dump on his doorstep*

I'll think of more when I can.

Friends/Seniors : "Hey, you should take these courses. They are easy and you can get easily an A!"

Who the fuck decide what optional courses to take based on if it's easy or not?!
Students take them because :
a. They are interested in the subjects
b. Knowledge/skills after attending the courses will be beneficial for future career.

I put my money more on option b though, i.e I'd rather get C's in courses that I found it useful, than getting A's in useless courses.
(Btw, my avg grade is just a little above Cs)
If my sole purpose was just to get straight A's, I would enroll in liberal art courses instead of this stressing half-CS course we're in.
You're a joke to yourself, that's why I don't hang out with you.

Guys, serious question.

I work in a startup as a cto. We have a very low budget and considering hiring people offshore.

Does anyone have some experience in hiring and piloting a remote team? Would you recommend it?

So the company I work at is moving to a new location. We are a small company, so we were all talking about potential problems with the move - network, internet, firewalls, access to servers and so on. Us trying to cover all possible scenarios.

Our CTO looks up and says: “or we could just cross our fingers and hope for best”.

WTF🤯

Umm... Another CTO sent this to me and we had a laugh because of how true it is...

Once I had an interview where in the last part the cto of the bank asked me a question about the history of my country instead of a appropriate programming one. Of course I couldn't answer and got nervous but I still want to punch that motherfucker in the face.

From CEO position to CTO few months ago.

It might not be a promotion 🤔

CTO at my previous company think that wordpress based website is took a long time to load.
I suggest to use caching and fix ton of abusive query, He refused. He spun up more VM, upgrade the ec2 instance level to the max. Said that he resolved the problem. But the problem still persist actually.
Blame me for slow response website, blame me for late of deployment because data is not ready ( there's a lot of spam in there, we need to clean it before )
I left the company, Coworker said that he just install a bunch of caching plugin,
He made the website down for entire day and don't understand what is happening. Ask other developer to fix it quickly, to do unpaid overime
The site is back to bussiness, said to all team that he already fixed it.
Everything good happened, he claimed that it was his idea.

And the best part is : he put 'ssh' as skill list in his personal site