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is it strange if you wanted to cry you'd have nobody to turn to?
I find myself annoyed with people. So I don't understand the sudden urge. I don't need "validation". I don't want to talk; that's always bad. So I don't even know what I want.

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a second question:

is it strange to have nobody to turn to for help?

if you got sick would somebody back you? how far would they go?

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this spring people keep noticing me be human and lighting up, and every time I think they're like aliens (since they're not trying to fuck with me like everybody else has been). Like I saw a pretty flower on a deck earlier today and tried to sniff it, and the owner of the restaurant just so happen to loudly barge through his door out onto the deck and he exclaimed at me seeing me trying to sniff his flower, like with pride and glee (the flower was fake by the way). I smiled back because, you know, nice human moment and I don't know it's either reflex or I couldn't help myself but fuck.

But the last few years of my life have been worst than the Holocaust. Millions of people have died, and everyone is complicit and doesn't even know it. And yet.

I feel like I'm seeing the phrase "ignorance is bliss" from a new angle. people think it means climate change or something. it's way worse, and it happened yesterday and it happens tomorrow and it's everyone on the street being kidnapped as if by secret police but we pretend it isn't happening. That's what ignorance is bliss means? If you want bliss, pretend to be one of the ignorant.

But is there any purpose to be friends with the ignorant? Do the knowing pretend to be ignorant so they can co-mingle in bliss, and then if somebody gets sick you turn over the poker cards and find out who was ignorant and who was not? If you get sick do any of your ignorant friends care? Is there a point in making friends with that restaurant owner? I've surprised either him or one of his employees before by picking up a sign that had fallen down. People keep being so happy to me when I act human. But I've not been human for years; I've been a poisoned, dying zombie barely scraping for life.

I think I found the solution to my poison. But I can't see them as human now either. I don't know what to do. Ignorance is bliss? I see a person I expect the pitchforks. Maybe we all just forget. But why forget? To find out the poker cards are fucked? what's the point in putting in energy. Or maybe we all do. We all make those bets. I don't even know what I'm asking.