So fucking pissed off.

I just delegated some of my more stressful and time consuming tasks to some other people on the team who were a lot less busier than me.
I feel so light and free.

I keep wondering when am I going to resign? How much further can I tolerate?

Just because I can do something, doesn't mean I have the time to do it. There's a difference.

More work-related than dev-related:
- Saying "yes" to extra work more often than necessary.
- Wanting to do everything myself and not delegating enough.
- Getting too stressed out.
- Avoiding conflicts and confrontations (even necessary ones!) and not being assertive enough.
- Overthinking everything.

I don't know if on the outside it seems like I know my shit and I know what I'm doing or not, but on the inside, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I'm just going with my gut and hoping for the best and I don't know if people are actually falling for that or not.

Sometimes it feels like I'm not as passionate towards coding as I was before. Seeing bright-eyed juniors with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge makes me wish I could feel the same again. I mean I still like it and all, but it's just not the same.

I'm attending more meetings than I ever thought was possible. Low-key kinda miserable right now. Shout-out to my younger self:
https://devrant.com/rants/2081588/...

It's the third time in two weeks that I've updated something and caused it to break. Different packages and different projects each time. Each time I've updated at night and tested it and made sure everything was okay only to be woken up in the morning by complaining customers and a newfound bug. Better lay off the updates for now.

So our team is scaling and we've been handling increased workload and I've been wanting to hire two juniors ever since. Finally narrowed down the candidates to three, but I couldn't decide between them so after some careful considerations, I've decided to hire all three. Fingers crossed I have enough time to mentor and manage the three of them and I don't fuck them up.

Imposter syndrome at its best right now.

First few years:
Finish college and get your masters to get a "real" job.

Bored out of my fucking mind.

They say nightmares are bad, but have you ever solved a bug that was bothering you for a long time in your dream, only to wake up and realize it wasn't real? Worst feeling ever. And this happened three nights in a row. For three different bugs. You would think that after the first two nights I would know better, but yet again I was fooled.

So, I was on-call last night and I got paged four times in the six hour period that I slept. I had to get up and handle the alerts and make sure all the systems are up and running each time. I have a meeting in 20 minutes and I just want to sleep.

The job wasn't bad. I started as an intern in a startup. The company did have its problems but the people were nice and I liked the job. But holy shit, I was insecure. I was constantly worrying if I was doing okay or not and even though nobody ever said anything even slightly negative. Since it was a startup, projects did fail and I usually felt guilty and blamed them on myself. Failures that I now understand did not have anything to do with me or my coding abilities and were mostly because of other issues (management, marketing, finances, etc). But all in all, I liked it and I improved a lot. Both technically and non-technically.

My junior high school computer programming (Visual Basic) teacher.
She was the spoiled brat of our head teacher. Had just graduated and gotten her bachelor degree. Didn't know jack shit about programming or teaching. Would constantly mock and belittle us for not being able to answer the questions and didn't actually teach us anything.

A few weeks ago, I was reassigned to another project. Ever since I have been in love with this new project. It has made me get my passion back for coding. I hadn't realized that I had lost it and how it had affected my mental health.

A while ago I found one of my old notes. It was from around two years ago. I had written down my programming long term goals and what I wanted to learn (more like a wishlist). While I was reading it, I realised that throughout these two years, without me being actually aware, I had learned all of it. It had been a slow progress but eventually not only had I reached it, but I had also surpassed it. It made me feel pretty good about myself. 😊

I miss my co-workers.

To not give up. (That fucking semicolon will be found!)

Working at night

The company has gone completely remote. We are all working remotely. We have increased our communications and we have regular video calls to make sure we are all on the same page and that everything is going smoothly.

I don't like remote work.

So my GitHub account got restricted.

Getting older means attending more meetings.

Don't you just love those "Aha!" moments?!

Sometimes I think that git is like a drug. After getting past the initial learning curve, you use it in every single one of your projects. Sometimes I wonder how have I ever survived without git before.

I'm thinking about getting a small "Hello, World!" tattoo on my wrist. Any opinions? Am I going to regret this?

- Reading random Wikipedia pages (mostly history)
- Speedcubing