CS Professor: “What M word is the black hole to all productivity?”

Student: “Management”

CS Professor: “Was going to say meetings but that’s better”

Haha, always a gem ❤

This is how fucking evolution works.

Cancelled meetings are my favorite meetings

Meeting with client.

Me: our solution does not require a central server, any computer (windows, Mac or Linux) on which you install our software can act both as a client and a server

Client: no we need to have all our data on our server

Me: sure, you can install our software on any computer

Client: no, we need it on our server

Me: ok then, we can make the needed changes to install our software on your server, it will cost an additional fee though

Client: very good then

Who has been in these meetings?

Please comment 😁

"Sure ill join the meeting it's not like I'm busy with the project's deadline being this Friday and all"
My notes from the meeting:

Dear everyone,

I am never late to meetings you set up with me, so please stop being late to meetings I set up with you.

Meetings as a Developer

Me: *sends meeting request*

Attendee: *3 days later*, hi is there anything in particular you needed to discuss?

Me: ... nope, none what so ever. Decided to take 30 mins out of my busy day to talk to you, a person I don't know, for 30 mins. Definitely the title of the meeting request has nothing to do with it, I wouldn't bother reading that now, since you haven't yet anyway. Cheers!

This sums up the corporate world

So a fucking friend of mine makes me meet this fella who is a big shot according to his LinkedIn and please note has too much experience with Web Apps and Python

Me being naive actually trusted that and I meet him.

Fella: So what do you do?
Me: I am into Cyber Security nothing much I just do bug hunting for now
Fella: You know python will help you right?
Me: Sorry?
Fella: You see you have to be a python programmer for anything you want to do in CS
Me: Me yeah I kinda know python actually I am more into Ruby from start so ( Around this time I kinda sensed that he is a fake tech guy he is a corporate asshole)
Fella: show me any of your work
Me: (So to show him one of the thing I was working on I open GitHub desktop app) Me explaining blah blah blah
*Fella is in shock*
So at this point I was thinking probably he is impressed and that's why the shock right?

No a big fucking no
Apparently he never heard about GitHub or git and got blown away by the interface.

And the friend who made me meet that guy is not my fucking friend anymore that prick can die for ruining my day

Webcam enabled Skype meetings.

Anxiety++

After the 10th pointless meeting...

3 hours long Scrum Meetings

Ugh... meetings

I definitely need this 😅

Just got out of a 2-hour meeting where I was told to keep doing what I was doing.

Meetings all day. Latest meeting topic: "Why are we going to miss our deadline?"

Here's an answer : Stop with all the meetings and let me code!

Have you ever had a recursive meeting? A meeting about a meeting, about a meeting, about a meeting...

I was totally in the zone earlier.

Plenty of caffeine, plenty of anger thanks to idiots, rocking out to Amon Amarth and Disturbed, and chewing through a difficult logic problem. It was wonderful.

Then.

Then there was a mandatory all-hands meeting. A mandatory meeting entirely consisting of someone doing a (admittedly decent) presentation on very basic marketing. (Basic as in "This is what ROI is." 🙄) It lasted for about 40 minutes, totally killing my zone and butchering my productivity. I've barely gotten anything done the rest of the day, thanks to that.

On the bright side, I worked out the logic on stickies during the talky-people bits. Maybe I'll be able to write it tomorrow.

Yes of course we can have a fourth meeting this week to discuss possible KPI’s for the project.

I have a suggestion though, since the first deliverable is 3 weeks away and it doesn’t work yet, maybe I could spend time ON the project ... so I can build something that could be a KPI ... and not piss off the other companies for delivering nothing.

Of course I’m not a manager, so what do I know, but this shit might be why people keep leaving the team. Perhaps devs don’t enjoy having no time on the project while simultaneously being yelled at for not getting it done.

"Everyone must attend this meeting. It's really important that you all attend".

Me: *walks into meeting with other co-workers

Host: So what should we discuss today?

Co-worker 1: We can discuss how we did on the recently completed project.

Host: We'll save that for next meeting.

Co-worker 2: Any strategic plans for upcoming project?

Host: That too, for next meeting.

Me: Black Panther.

Host: That was actually a great movie. I saw it over the weekend. Who else saw it? ....

Me (in my thoughts): Just wow! 😂

PS: I still haven't seen that movie.

Our daily scrum meetings be like...

Manager Logic: The project is behind, we have brought on additional managers to satisfy the client. 😲 The fuck is a manager going to do? "Meetings! We need more meetings to ensure the deadline is met."

Do you ever feel like you're the socially awkward one on your team?

All,

Let's have a quick meeting about today's meeting so we can plan our meeting for tomorrows meeting. Thanks!

Thanks,
Kill myself

Make love, not meetings

I fucking hate this cute little hack my company thinks it's found where if they schedule a meeting at lunchtime in the lunchroom they think it counts as a lunch break

Waiting for a meeting, thought I might as well show off my XPS sticker game.

ALSO, FUCK MEETINGS. MULTIPLE HOURS WASTED FOR SAYING THOUSANDS OF SHITS AND LIKE ONE USEFUL THING.

Edit: legit forgot pic

!rant

I complained during a dev team review about the too many dev calls/meetings we have that are supposed to improve our productivity but instead feel like interrupting our work and line of thoughts when focusing on something.

I expected the team lead to bash me or say "Nooo, these meetings are important bla bla bla" but he received it quite positively and already changed how we do things.

Here's a favorite of mine. Managers need to be in meetings to be productive. Developers need to stay far away from meetings to be productive. Managers love to drag developers into meetings and then wonder why their productivity is down.

Sometimes I really don't like meetings. Because I'm an introvert.

I hate stand-up meetings in the morning... 😬

Current mood:

Yet another meeting that I was forced to join where my presence was absolutely not required

I hate the meetings, let me code for once!!

Well some meetings usually go on like this...

SCRUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 15 MINUTES, NOT FUCKING 1.5 HOURS

People who like hearing themselves talk shouldn't be in charge of meetings. We can't get the work done if you keep having meetings to talk about us getting the work done.

Survived another meeting that should have been an email.

When PM sets up a meeting to discuss stuff that can be solved over an email

I HATE MEETINGS!!
Especially with non-programmers 😒

That moment you realise why you enjoy the dev life again.

It's been a long time since I've had a solid day of coding, just coding..., no meetings, no wild requests, no crazy issues, no data fixing because someone can't type a number correctly, just me, myself and that keyboard going on a field trip of quality coding time again.

Ah, it's a good day to end the week on!

My team has 1-on-1 check-up meetings with our boss about once a month.

My 1-on-1 today consisted solely of him saying "So I bought a new Porsche, want to see a picture?"

It was a pretty productive meeting, if I do say so myself!

A wild boss appears.
He uses surprise six hours meeting...
It's super effective!
Developer is dazed and confused 😵

Walk into work.
Sit at desk.
Open Outlook.
*Sees 3 meeting invites for today*
...This is why I drink...

Had 4-5 hours of sleep last night because I had to wake up early this morning for an internal demo of the feature I worked on. It was scheduled early morning because the boss was busy.

I come to the office looking like a zombie, practically sleep walking my way to the office, and guess what... The app server is down! Yay.

I had to reschedule it to right in the middle of lunch time because hey... The boss is busy. Now everyone in the team hates me for ruining their lunch.

Now I'm sitting here, staring at my code, remembering the sweet luxury of sleep.

Every damn day.

Two hours meeting for a five minutes code change.

Today:
9 am - 2:30 pm - customer mtng
2:45 pm - 3:25 pm - team mtng
3:30 pm - 5 pm - sprint planning mtng

Anyone ever literally be in a meeting the WHOLE day? ... 😢 🔫

It's so depressing when you commit more code on your personal projects than you do at work. Meetings and workshops are a killer.

"Meetings are known as the place where productivity goes to die."

worst part of working in scrum: trying to remember what you worked on Friday for Monday morning's stand-up meeting.

This + 🙄

Really hate it when you're dragged into a long meeting when you're not supposed to be there

Things I imagine when talking to the client
1. Setting his tie on fire
2. My boss kissing him on his forehead as he explains the go live strategy
3. Him bending over and picking up a quarter stuck to the ground and then getting run over by a grandma on her mobility scooter

Someone needs to turn verbose mode off on my boss.

Meetings about meetings that we're going to have to discuss the need for the next meeting wherein a potential followup meeting will be scheduled to meet for the meeting.

So the CEO tells me our new release needs to be compliant with new guidelines. I say sure, I draft up a few small changes and send them to my PM. He calls an impromptu meeting with the UI team and I explain my changes. They don't like them. They then proceed to draft and redesign a new UI based on these new requirements, I tell them that they are overthinking everything and remind them of the rules of KISS. 45 minutes of me silently waiting and an entire 4x8 whiteboard of designs, I tell them this is an entire redesign and that we will never make our end of the year deadline. PM goes silent for a minute, then responds "yeah I guess your right, let's just implement your original changes"

I'm starting to hate meetings now..

that feeling when half your day is meetings :/

Best part of the day is when 5-6pm meeting gets cancelled

Just had the first meeting in the new company I'm working at.

Started at 1:00 pm
Ended at 5:30 pm

Almost had to slap myself in order to stay awake

😴

Who the Fuck Came up with "SCRUM MEETINGS"

You fucking piece of crap of an idiotic client. What the fuck do you need to know more than “job will start upon signing the quote”? A fucking bouquet of flowers? And now you need a meeting to “improve communication between you and us”. Read the fucking emails, I’m not your fucking employee. “Why should we wait that we approve the ticket or whatever to get the job done?” BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING MAINTENANCE CONTRACT. I am not your buddy and I don’t fucking do favours. You want the job done? Either you accept the quote, or you accept the ticket request, or you subscribe to a fucking prepaid or flat maintenance contract. It’s simple as that you fucking elephant broken Asshole.

Fuck you and your fucking meeting requests.

My team lead is off this week and I was selected to be the "acting team lead". So far I have attended 73648283 meetings. Please pray for me!

The project manager and sales team decided to call a meeting to see how long a project I'm currently working will take to finish. Little did they think to ask the only person working on it.

As a Java developer I didn't write a line of code at work for about 2 months. Been so busy with meetings, doc, governance, architecture decisions, running after people for approvals,... I really miss coding.

Getting older means attending more meetings.

We just had an hour and a half long meeting, where at the end we spent 15 minutes debating whether or not to add 15 minutes to the meeting because we didn't have time to go over all the issues...

Long, laptops closed meetings are needed sometimes, but they still make me sad :(

Why the hell there is a skype meeting with around 100 participants... And all i have to do is just connect and listen to same 2-3 persons... Repeatedly.

PS- mostly no one even listens😑

Outlook must have a different meeting in mind than the one I will be attending tomorrow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My team has regular daily meetings they all call scrum. Meetings like 1+ hours. I wanna immolate myself in protest!

Why ask a question if you're just gonna cut me off

Meetings... They say coding is 70% thinking and well.. I find meetings to be a great place to think about what am currently working on. I go in with a sketch book and sketch away. I always figure out whatever is bugging me by the end of the meeting. After all the PM will send a summary of whatever I may have missed during the meeting

Being a lead developer, I don't know if I am on the side of developers or managers.
In a product roadmap meet today, one of the developers explained the update of last week. He talked for at least 15 mins.
After that the sales lead looked at me, expecting me to explain (or basically dumb it down for her)
Me: Oh, he meant "UI improvements"
She: Oh, why didn't he say so?

I don't know who was the reason for the FacePalm 😐

Two of them, both are not very extrem.
Positive one first:

Meetings were usually not dead serious (unless there was a problem), everyone just joked around a little, made their actual points and got back to work.

Now the other one:
A client's QA staff commented "this bug is still occuring" on 5 tickets, without checking if they ever deployed the new release candidate.
They didn't deploy the new RC, so of course, the bugs couldn't have been fixed on their side.

so I had a very important video conference for some rather large cloud infrastructure that Im engineering. I decide to look "smart" so i decided to wear a jersey during the video call. I aced the meeting, happy people all round. I walk to my room and my wife says "you do know your jersey is inside out...and back to front..and the label is sticking out from under your chin....How did the meeting go?" me:"..fine until you pointed out a look like a 2 year old dressed me !" ... well thats one way to kill the happy feels!

Having meetings about how to have effective meetings is my own personal hell.

Had a day with 5 hours of meetings.
Told my dissatisfaction to my superior, she understands.

I have a 7 hour meetings day today.

😔

I love it how managers try to act busy by going through the same mails over and over again while waiting for a new one so that they can instantly reply to it and show themselves off as "prompt" and screw us, who have to actually do some work, about not sending mails promptly and they have like this one single excel sheet opened at all times and they just make one obscure entry whenever they get an update and WOW, some of them don't even know how the fuck you spell Avro (spelt it as avero, handwritten) and oh, not to mention waste everyone's time by asking a mundane question that other managers are so eager to answer, one by one, over and over and did I mention THAT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HALF THE PRODUCT.

How am I supposed to get shit done, when you assholes set meetings for half the day?!

I fucking hate meetings! I just spent 3 hours in a meeting arguing on how to do pull requests to master.
I am now nursing a severe headache of bullshit ideas and loud voices!!!!!!

Do not sleep during meetings

Whoever at Zoom decided that this button needed to be at this location on the Touch Bar ought to be fired.

Out of a cannon.

Into the sun.

Or at the very least doomed to have their desktop or webcam shared at random times during sensitive meetings. It is for the grace of God that the client didn’t catch me straining to hear the awful acoustics in their conference room.

And by that, my friends, I've survived all my meetings this week!

IN YOUR FACES! 😆😆

Team meetings on the toilet

During my internship.
Got wonderful opportunity to present a project to a senior Director of a different team.
And just moments before meeting, my project stopped working.
Was a disaster.
Later came to know there were internal issues in the service I was using in my project.
Though not my fault, but during the meeting, I managed to show a video of the project.
Let me know if folks wants to know what happened later..

Almost every single meeting

I NEED MY SLEEP FFS!!! It is 06:20 in the morning and I am already on the train to work because one of our managers felt the need to plan a meeting from 08:00 on monday morning to explain EXACTLY why something does not work.
Needless to say that she is no dev (or has technical know how)!
But the best part is:
THE INVITATION FOR THE MEETING WAS SEND OUT FRIDAY EVENING SO THERE IS NO PREPARATION-TIME WHATSOEVER!!!
Fuck

Seriously, when am I supposed to, you know, code? Ugh.

corporates -.-'

Unscheduled meetings are the worst.

You preparing whole day to leave early for the day, then manager suddenly puts up an unscheduled meeting. Oh great isn't it!!

Past: playing on the phone in class
Today: writing code in meetings

Meetings: A great place for people to come together and listen to themselves talk.

Too much math ? Seriously ? Had you made the effort to atleast 'look' at them, you would see how simple they are. And just because I use the word 'equation' does not automatically make it a Volterra Integral Equation.

Could've discussed the subject at hand. But no, let's bring on the judgement. Who wants to ever discuss the subject ?

My russian ex co-worker, who had cut his toenails during meetings in office. Wtaf!!!! Disgusting

"You're all being made redundant"

why is everyone's god damn answer in the corporate world fuking meetings?

you usually don't solve anything with them anyway, and there's too damn many

if you took the time to read the conversation, you'd know there's no meeting needed and the other party agreed to a method that wont break shit

or if you had half a brain and read the part of the chat you didn't even need to scroll up for you could think of something simple like not breaking working things and asking before changing it?

fukin corp retards, company men. how is this world still going?

A coworker during scrum today: "Last week, I worked on the new feature. Also, I have an announcement for everyone: I'm going through a divorce so I moved in with my parents and will be working remotely for a while. I have no blockers...except for the divorce."

At my job in the past week there have been at least one 1 hour-long meeting every day with today hitting the record with 3 meetings.

This is fucking insane. I signed to a developer job, not a guy-sittimg-and-listening job.

NO FLIPPIN MEETINGS to interrupt my coding

The time-consuming daily stand-up meetings.

Really wanting to bail on all the meetings I have left this week... ☹️

You know you are agile when you start your days with several daily meetings!

Comin’ to you live from the middle of a pointless-ass meeting!

Managers... managers with an addiction to meetings

Just want to write code... no emails, no documentation, no meetings.

Every. Meetings. Ever.

A gigantic waste of time

Today we had our first standup. We sat for all 90+ mins of it. The irony. Maybe the standing part isn’t that important? Or maybe it went for 90 mins because we weren’t standing? Sigh. Save me.

Who schedules meetings for 4PM on a Friday?

Got a middle software developer position at a great company.... wrote 10 lines of code and spent 90% of the time in calls and meetings.

Corporation.
Meeting with middle level managers.
Me - data scientist, saying data science stuff, like what accuracy we have and what problems with performance we managed to solved.
Manager 1: Ok, but is this scrum?
Manager 2: No they're using kanban.
Manager 3: That's no good. We should be using DevOps, can we make it DevOps?

So yea, another great meeting I guess..

(in a meeting between o&m team and business partners to assign priorities to various tasks)
I.T.: So what priority would you put this new task?
Business : it's our 1.
I.T.: ok, and this other one?
B: it's a 1.
I.T.: ...

Don't let anyone sit down. Meetings will be much faster that way.

Had another meeting today. The solution architect said two insulting jokes about developers like:

"The devs will nevertheless mess it up"

Devs are the ones who make chaos

This meeting was with a customer and his developer. I was just furious!

This useless son of a bitch needs to learn his lesson

Avoid useless meetings!!

So, the moment I started as a BA in a health insurance company, my Quora feed gets populated with Dilbert comics, and I can finally relate to them.
Thanks Machine Learning!

The amount of meetings has been drastically reduced to a minimum.

Meetings are Bug generators

When you've been invited to follow all company calendars.

Step 1.

Dont have meetings.

Thats it.

Refactored a lot of code in between meetings today. Feeling accomplished. Haha!

We have a Monday meeting at 07:30. Yes, I have to BE at work at 07:30.

Now, my boss knows full well that I have to fight through traffic every single fucking day and also that I travel for on average just over an hour. Some days we're looking at closer to 2 hours!

And, without fail, the meeting will start at 07:30 with or without me. There are days that I catch the arse end of the meeting (like today) or other days were I miss the meeting altogether.

I'm done with this company in any case and am currently looking for alternative employment. And I'm also done with going to these people and talking about this!

What should have been a short mail became a two hour meeting.

No one complaining over shitty useless meetings these days?

Meetings about meetings...

exactly, those meetings are a fucking waste of my fucking time...

My 12 year old bag, now with graphics, goes with me to client meetings and acts as a deterrent for clients talking shit/fake knowledge or cliches.

Meeting101:

1) Schedule a meeting to discuss some important issues.
2) Discuss everything but those issues!
3) Schedule another meeting for same issues.
😭

Meetings. I don't know how management people get anything done, but the time I spend in meetings counts completely opposite, in terms of productivity.

Meetings.

Migration in progress (long one, lasting over a month)

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to discuss migration progress

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to agree on what should we test

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to get specs of the new infra

Seriously, PMs. One 1 hour long meeting costs at least 4 hours of productive time (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting, 1+ hour for preparing for the meeting, 1+ hour for post-meeting discussions). And more often than not all meetings end with "We will come back to you later in regards to <some question not answered during meeting>" and it always means "we'll continue this chat via emails"

Why can't you first ask "do we need a meeting or can we sort this out via email?" ??? Or are you intentionally wasting everyone's time?

Hey Chris can you join this conference call where we will talk about hardware and pricing options and not bring up anything software related.

I think my company is doomed - the bikeshedding begins.

We have so many meetings.

"I once had a meeting which was to discuss how to organize meetings on how to manage tech debts"

"God knows WHY!"

Sitting in a board room with about 20 people all who have flown in from different parts of the world to discuss the project plan for a web app with an international user base.

We are discussing a web form with a dynamic layout based upon the users profile. Users enters a ton of information, calculations, are made, and info in stored into a db. Info can be updated and will be reported upon later.

One of the project leads representing Europe suggest that the form be exported into Excel so that the user can fill it out in Excel only to be imported via the application. WTH!!!! Later I found out this was that leads 2nd week with the company. Why were you even at the meeting and why did you have input?

Starting the week with a 3 hour meeting to discuss importing Customer data to a new crm, if I should be allowed to take the time to do it or not.

I finished it last week and already imported the data to the syst enviroment and scrubbed it.

I spend more time Waiting for meetings and attending than doing the work.

Smartphone manufacturers these days, imagine how meetings to come up with ideas for new products go about.

Product manager :ok people,what can we do to make our next smartphone 'different'.

Employee 1: let's add more cameras
Employee 2:Let's kill the notch
Employee 3:Let's include the buzzword AI in all of our marketing
Employee 4:Let's put 8Gb of Ram in our phone
Employee 5:Let's just do all of those things and also give it a screen with a ridiculous aspect ratio and unnecessarily high resolution.

Sorry I'm on my computer during the meeting but I can multitask I swear!

(I can definitely write code and troubleshoot with other devs on Skype, while you're talking)
I never said I was listening to you though! Lol!

Sat in a 4 hours "strategic" planning meeting on a Saturday.! The kinda stuff that makes me want to drink this:

Got a new guy. Having a dumb meeting. New guy is humblebragging. It is making the dumb meeting longer. I feel angry. Like Warren Moon must have felt in 1995. He is a PhD. That's probably why. Ugh.

Fuck scrum meetings, especially when everyone is late

I think my boss hates me 🤭 she accepted my meeting invite, I made eye contact with her on my way to the meeting room, she just looked up and then back down. Now here I am, been waiting for her to show up for 10 minutes 🙃

Why are there so many meetings?
Just let me work.

when you look at your calendar and it has more meetings than time to code... :(

Buzzword bingo in meetings by pointy heads who have no clue what the words actually mean.

Getting real tired of people posting meetings only for you to join when they end. How hard is it to have you meeting at the time you set it for? Holy shit!

"we need to reduce the amount of meetings" said the super-duper senior enterprise manager who invited me to 20 meetings for the next 2 weeks.

To be honest, I haven't figured out yet what he is actually doing 💅

Why can't meeting organizer enforce time schedule, especially ending?

It's pretty much normal to stay 1,5 hour on 1 hour meeting.

I am working with a team that's producing tons of new services..
And me being a fresher, reading new designs every other day with God knows complex implementations and business requirements and attending design review meetings(where I can barely understand anything)
having a great learning curve..
Hopefully, I survive this period and cope up with the inputs...
Note: Just don't ask what's my contribution.. I am gearing up for the D-Day to make my impact(not a negative one).. 😎

Cut. Meetings. Short.

Don’t have meetings

We had a floor meet early morning, regarding some business advancements and new "business framework" in our company.

Guess who took a sick leave.

PS : Apparently tech is not the only field with buzzwords.

PPS : Floor meets? Early morning? Why?

Who uses Cisco Webex Teams video conferencing? What's your opinion on webex?

What's the difference between interruption and meetings?
Meetings are planned interruptions.

I hate morning scrum meetings.

Meetings would be better without people.

I mean I like the IDEA of meetings...

Honestly I'm the type of person who if I could would schedule lots of meetings to make sure we're all on the same page, and to be sure the thing is going to do the thing everyone wants / get their perspective, etc. I really want to KNOW what the folks who are going to use this thing need / want / what works best for them.

On the other hand I know that meetings are often more like:

Me: "Ok let's so here's our data, now tell me what fields they want to edit and so forth."

People: "All of them."

Me: "Uh, no you don't want that or they'll break everything ... X, Y and Z require those fields for A, B, and C to work."

Me: "Let's go field by field and you tell me if they need to edit it, and why."

People: "Yeah this first one they have to be able to change this one."

Me: "Wait no, that's the primary key for that table, I don't know why that's on this list but no you can't change that."

People: "Yeah we have to be able to change that."

Me: "No, you can't, do you even know what that number IS?"

People: "Um... no ..."

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Me - 1+1 is 2
Client : Did you say 1+1 is 2
Because even i thought 1+1 is 2 and i think we should go ahead with 1+1 2 because that seems like a good thing to me.

***"1+1 is 2" can be replaced by some long tech discussion

#my brain hurts

Oh man! the long meetings.....
Only produce headaches nothing else.

Had to wake up 1 hour earlier today, and the worry of that kept me awake last night. Now I sit here like a zombie, hating the day that I'm going to have, which is not full of exciting coding with headphones on and Babymetal in my ears, but full of meetings.
I already see my eyes tearing up, reality fading, a guy in a meeting asking me something and pulling me back to reality so that I could stare blankly into his eyes and reply a generic "Yeah, I agree with your proposal", so everyone will think that I'm on drugs or something.

Welp... gotta go. Fuck.

3 and a half hours of meetings later I finally know what I'm having for dinner tonight.

I love useful meetings 😄

After some months as head of our software department and one meeting after another I finally had a chance to program again for a whole day... I instantly felt happy for the first time in a while. I think taking this role on was the worst idea I had in my life... now I have to change this

Meetings... meetings...
I fucking hate you... I know sometimes you are useful and necessarily for making decisions... But I just can't help but hate you.

How do you feel about meetings?

My resting meeting face.

Why doesn't Skype of business have an application for Linux? Every company meeting where a developer isn't involved is run on sfb. Being on Ubuntu it is hard to attend any such meeting. Any meeting between developers is on zoom so we're good.
We can't really convince every one (other than developers) to start using zoom.
Do we have any other alternatives? Is this a lost cause?

Usually at the end of meetings I always ask "May I go and work now?"

Is it just me or big scrum meetings suck your soul?

Meetings...

But I realise that the meetings are only for eating donuts 🍩 🍩

So you really want me to get angry? Send me invites to more than 1 meeting a day

Just came up with something inspired by @librarycomic for use at the very start of every meeting with the customer.

"You have the right to remain silent. Any ridiculous specs or illogical features that you say can and will be laughed at in the back project office room.
Any real questions you ask will be answered to the best of our ability, as long as they don't violate privacy or the law or the internet.
You have the right to be in a hurry or tighten the deadline, but not to expect that it will cost the project any less.
With these rights in mind, let us begin our progress meeting. On to you."

Feel free to fork and contribute! :D

Meetings.. Was I not listening? Blame it on the ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

Maybe society has AEHD (Attention Expected Hyper-Delusion).

Seriously, who can pay attention to someone speaking AT you.

We have amazing magical devices one can enchant to do their bidding; Contemplating the details of such, often, is more enjoyable than what your rambling on about, talking head.

Not sorry, ;).

Also THANK YOU, you amazing MIT's (Manager of Information Technologies). A lot of you understand and even may use your underling employee's as a vented heat sync for your frustrations. I love what you do and thank the universe I don't have to engage myself in those activities. I have sympathy for the decision to give up your jeans and t-shirts for business attire; keep strong, your role is vital. <3

The insomnia is going to have to give me a break. Work in 3 hrs, time for a nap; and no, I don't take ADD medication (Amphetamine). I don't need a prescription; I can procure my own drugs, thank you.

Nor would I do them to get through work, that's drug abuse.

Daily meetings

That moment when: you lift your gaze from your phone to understand the sudden quiet is because your expert opinion is needed in the meeting.

boss. "I have a one o'clock meeting" Project Manager "uuuuuh, it's after one" boss: "it's an asynchronous meeting"

Last week my PM scheduled a meeting for the whole team of 14 devs to talk about our tasks, how we can improve our workflow, so he's up to date on daily stuff nad sprint progress. After an hour and a half of lots of brainstorming i just asked
- what exactly do you want to achieve with all these changes?
- basically i would like on overview of current progress on each task

And he proposed couple of different meetings during the sprint, which would waste dev time. He proposed to apoint one person reaponsible to keeping him informed during each sprint. He proposed we change our meetings, our process, all of it.
So I just sat with my laptop during the same meeting and I prepared a jira board with swimlanes, filters, etc. Where you can sort by priority, size, what is blocked, what is, waiting in queue, what is being currently developed, what is being tested, what's ready for deployment, etc. Easy. 5-10mins of work.

- does this solve your problem?
-....
- you have everything here
-... What if someone doesn't update the ticket status?
- we check everything during our dailies, so, worst case scenario is the status is not update for 24h
-... Umm.. Yeah.. I think thats it. Thank you.

So, we basically wasted 20+ man-hours on another bullshit meeting because the guy thats supposed to be using these tools doesn't know them at all. After working here for 6 months.

Monday morning client meetings are usually a pain. If they're not delayed once, they're delayed twice, and they go on for hours, taking up the entire morning for everyone on the project.

To make today even better, it was about an hour of our client ripping into us developers on the project, and the application we're making, to shreds, saying that we have a lack of attention to detail and are working well.
(not bearing in mind, we're building a hybrid application, so it's a glorified web page and we can't test on every android phone, or iOS device and any combination of keyboards for those in between, and every problem comes with its own quirks when you're forcing things with html, js and angularjs).

I feel back for the pm, she had literally 5 more hours of salty, salty calls with our other poc about the issues raised and how we could go about fixing all these minor issues, since they know the solution to them, despite having little to zero technical knowledge.

Just another day in the office I guess.

Yay! Another meeting to go over a design concept for the next version of our website, awesome this makes meeting 16

Avoid face to face meetings, have con calls
Avoid con calls, have email chains
Avoid email chains, do one on one mails
Avoid mails, text
Ignore texts

How do you deal with a developer that constantly challenges your propositions in a rhetorical matter?

For example, say if we have a problem and I propose solution A (along with my reasons why), the developer would then shoot it down - not with another alternative solution or exploration path but instead a rhetorical question.

It has gotten *exhausting* working with this person because every interaction becomes almost a debate. This isn’t just particularly with development but even during casual discussions.

I’ve even tried asking “so what would you suggest?” in which they would answer with confidence in a rhetorical matter - but without any concrete decision making (but at the same time sounding like they did make one).

We work in a team and nobody has taken the reigns of leadership (he’s quiet most meetings), so I decided to take initiative and make the calls. All of a sudden, he has a voice that is mostly axed towards being argumentative than productive. It has come to a point where I’ve just stopped making propositions because I’ve become exhausted trying to defend myself and literally repeating something like 4-5 times, however this is a project that needs to be delivered and because we work closely together, I can’t just ignore him and do my own thing.

meetings sure seem to go a lot smoother when my boss is having good tinder dates

Sitting through useless Friday meetings thinking "I need a goddamn drink".

Technical meeting

We were at technical meeting a while ago, they discussed our infrastructure implementation, all was good.

Then some motherfucker of our technicians, suggested that we should move to bitbucket, I fought fiercely to don't even think about leaving bitbucket.

Suddenly the cock swallowers bosses agreed to bitbucket, they submit their changes.

10 min after the meeting i broke into the biggest boss room, gave him my resignation letter, I just told him, signing your acceptance to move to bitbucket, you should sign this too.

Boom, assholes.
I'm free now.

Meetings truly bring up the best parts of you.

When you take a notepad and pen to a meeting and write nothing...

Been invited to a bi-weekly meeting about a project that I'm not even working on yet.
I think I'll just go and cut my own brake cables then drive home.

MEETINGS
Daily stand up
Weekly status
Fortnightly update
Monthly planning

Life would be so much simpler without meetings. Just chat, why fuss over "meeting"?

As it is most of the things don't go as per what's planned in the monthly planning meeting.

Neither is there much of an update in the fortnightly update meeting. Only update is what we planned, isn't the right direction.

This will obviously screw up the weekly status. Screwed up planning is dishevelled implementation.

Daily stand up is just very sleep deprived developers, who don't wanna talk.

Make it my time's worth; say no more meetings.

When you bullsh*t stuff the whole meeting, then they setup a meeting tomorrow to continue where you left off today

This should be done before every meeting..

Tales From "PM vs Chen"

PM: *Walks up to Chen's cube*
Chen(that's me): *Taking off headphones* "Are we about to have another meeting about the meeting we just had?"
PM: "Yes"
Chen: "Okay. Just checking." *Waits for PM to share his thought*
PM: We're almost done.
Chen: "Yes" *Waits again for PM to share his thoughts*
PM: *While walking away* "Making Progress"

I hate meetings that could have been just checking the Jira to see what everyone is working on... Getting 5 people together to individually mention what they're working on... So inefficient

The online meeting's awkwardness is real with me...

How long do you think code reviews should be? Ours can run from anywhere between 10 minutes to 4 hours

When you have so much work
To do, but can't start any of it until you have the meetings about it. Meetings meetings meetings.