CS Professor: “What M word is the black hole to all productivity?”

Student: “Management”

CS Professor: “Was going to say meetings but that’s better”

Haha, always a gem ❤

I have been getting a lot of angry glances in meetings since my latest laptop sticker :D

This is how fucking evolution works.

Cancelled meetings are my favorite meetings

Who has been in these meetings?

Please comment 😁

"Sure ill join the meeting it's not like I'm busy with the project's deadline being this Friday and all"
My notes from the meeting:

Best Part of beeing a dev is that i don't have to dress well at all, sneakers and hoodie are fine, even in meetings :-)

Dear everyone,

I am never late to meetings you set up with me, so please stop being late to meetings I set up with you.

Meetings as a Developer

Me: *sends meeting request*

Attendee: *3 days later*, hi is there anything in particular you needed to discuss?

Me: ... nope, none what so ever. Decided to take 30 mins out of my busy day to talk to you, a person I don't know, for 30 mins. Definitely the title of the meeting request has nothing to do with it, I wouldn't bother reading that now, since you haven't yet anyway. Cheers!

This sums up the corporate world

So a fucking friend of mine makes me meet this fella who is a big shot according to his LinkedIn and please note has too much experience with Web Apps and Python

Me being naive actually trusted that and I meet him.

Fella: So what do you do?
Me: I am into Cyber Security nothing much I just do bug hunting for now
Fella: You know python will help you right?
Me: Sorry?
Fella: You see you have to be a python programmer for anything you want to do in CS
Me: Me yeah I kinda know python actually I am more into Ruby from start so ( Around this time I kinda sensed that he is a fake tech guy he is a corporate asshole)
Fella: show me any of your work
Me: (So to show him one of the thing I was working on I open GitHub desktop app) Me explaining blah blah blah
*Fella is in shock*
So at this point I was thinking probably he is impressed and that's why the shock right?

No a big fucking no
Apparently he never heard about GitHub or git and got blown away by the interface.

And the friend who made me meet that guy is not my fucking friend anymore that prick can die for ruining my day

Webcam enabled Skype meetings.

Anxiety++

After the 10th pointless meeting...

3 hours long Scrum Meetings

Ugh... meetings

I definitely need this 😅

Just got out of a 2-hour meeting where I was told to keep doing what I was doing.

Meetings all day. Latest meeting topic: "Why are we going to miss our deadline?"

Here's an answer : Stop with all the meetings and let me code!

Sometimes I envy the blind because nobody invites them to "let's talk about what colour to make this" meetings

Have you ever had a recursive meeting? A meeting about a meeting, about a meeting, about a meeting...

Yes of course we can have a fourth meeting this week to discuss possible KPI’s for the project.

I have a suggestion though, since the first deliverable is 3 weeks away and it doesn’t work yet, maybe I could spend time ON the project ... so I can build something that could be a KPI ... and not piss off the other companies for delivering nothing.

Of course I’m not a manager, so what do I know, but this shit might be why people keep leaving the team. Perhaps devs don’t enjoy having no time on the project while simultaneously being yelled at for not getting it done.

"Everyone must attend this meeting. It's really important that you all attend".

Me: *walks into meeting with other co-workers

Host: So what should we discuss today?

Co-worker 1: We can discuss how we did on the recently completed project.

Host: We'll save that for next meeting.

Co-worker 2: Any strategic plans for upcoming project?

Host: That too, for next meeting.

Me: Black Panther.

Host: That was actually a great movie. I saw it over the weekend. Who else saw it? ....

Me (in my thoughts): Just wow! 😂

PS: I still haven't seen that movie.

When your brain only functions at night and morning meetings with your team make you look like you never coded in your life.

Was in a meeting with my boss. I complained about there being too many meetings and thus not enough time at the keyboard. He told me that I should turn down meetings I feel I dont need or feel are unnecessary (no point in me being there if I dont feel i contribute). Point taken . I stood up and left. He later told me he appreciated my honesty and would try to keep are meetings to the point in the future :D

Our daily scrum meetings be like...

Manager Logic: The project is behind, we have brought on additional managers to satisfy the client. 😲 The fuck is a manager going to do? "Meetings! We need more meetings to ensure the deadline is met."

All,

Let's have a quick meeting about today's meeting so we can plan our meeting for tomorrows meeting. Thanks!

Thanks,
Kill myself

Do you ever feel like you're the socially awkward one on your team?

!rant

I complained during a dev team review about the too many dev calls/meetings we have that are supposed to improve our productivity but instead feel like interrupting our work and line of thoughts when focusing on something.

I expected the team lead to bash me or say "Nooo, these meetings are important bla bla bla" but he received it quite positively and already changed how we do things.

Sometimes I really don't like meetings. Because I'm an introvert.

How I picture w3 meetings about the CSS color spec.

The result, we have both color: gray and color: grey in all their variations (light, dark, slate...)

Waiting for a meeting, thought I might as well show off my XPS sticker game.

ALSO, FUCK MEETINGS. MULTIPLE HOURS WASTED FOR SAYING THOUSANDS OF SHITS AND LIKE ONE USEFUL THING.

Edit: legit forgot pic

Here's a favorite of mine. Managers need to be in meetings to be productive. Developers need to stay far away from meetings to be productive. Managers love to drag developers into meetings and then wonder why their productivity is down.

I hate stand-up meetings in the morning... 😬

Well some meetings usually go on like this...

Let's build a house with no blueprint, no idea how it should look but have daily meetings about the bathroom... #Scrum

I hate the meetings, let me code for once!!

SCRUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 15 MINUTES, NOT FUCKING 1.5 HOURS

People who like hearing themselves talk shouldn't be in charge of meetings. We can't get the work done if you keep having meetings to talk about us getting the work done.

I HATE MEETINGS!!
Especially with non-programmers 😒

Survived another meeting that should have been an email.

When PM sets up a meeting to discuss stuff that can be solved over an email

Walk into work.
Sit at desk.
Open Outlook.
*Sees 3 meeting invites for today*
...This is why I drink...

A wild boss appears.
He uses surprise six hours meeting...
It's super effective!
Developer is dazed and confused 😵

My team has 1-on-1 check-up meetings with our boss about once a month.

My 1-on-1 today consisted solely of him saying "So I bought a new Porsche, want to see a picture?"

It was a pretty productive meeting, if I do say so myself!

Currently written on the conference room whiteboard:

People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.

I couldn't agree more.

Had 4-5 hours of sleep last night because I had to wake up early this morning for an internal demo of the feature I worked on. It was scheduled early morning because the boss was busy.

I come to the office looking like a zombie, practically sleep walking my way to the office, and guess what... The app server is down! Yay.

I had to reschedule it to right in the middle of lunch time because hey... The boss is busy. Now everyone in the team hates me for ruining their lunch.

Now I'm sitting here, staring at my code, remembering the sweet luxury of sleep.

Every damn day.

Two hours meeting for a five minutes code change.

Today:
9 am - 2:30 pm - customer mtng
2:45 pm - 3:25 pm - team mtng
3:30 pm - 5 pm - sprint planning mtng

Anyone ever literally be in a meeting the WHOLE day? ... 😢 🔫

"Meetings are known as the place where productivity goes to die."

Worst thing of being a dev: in family meetings, being asked by EVERYONE to fix their computers or check that weird issue in their smartphones

Free breakfast before work starts
Overtime if working on weekend
Decent coffee
Quick meetings
New and fun challenges for every new project

It's so depressing when you commit more code on your personal projects than you do at work. Meetings and workshops are a killer.

worst part of working in scrum: trying to remember what you worked on Friday for Monday morning's stand-up meeting.

Really hate it when you're dragged into a long meeting when you're not supposed to be there

Someone needs to turn verbose mode off on my boss.

Things I imagine when talking to the client
1. Setting his tie on fire
2. My boss kissing him on his forehead as he explains the go live strategy
3. Him bending over and picking up a quarter stuck to the ground and then getting run over by a grandma on her mobility scooter

I'm starting to hate meetings now..

This + 🙄

Meetings about meetings that we're going to have to discuss the need for the next meeting wherein a potential followup meeting will be scheduled to meet for the meeting.

So the CEO tells me our new release needs to be compliant with new guidelines. I say sure, I draft up a few small changes and send them to my PM. He calls an impromptu meeting with the UI team and I explain my changes. They don't like them. They then proceed to draft and redesign a new UI based on these new requirements, I tell them that they are overthinking everything and remind them of the rules of KISS. 45 minutes of me silently waiting and an entire 4x8 whiteboard of designs, I tell them this is an entire redesign and that we will never make our end of the year deadline. PM goes silent for a minute, then responds "yeah I guess your right, let's just implement your original changes"

Best part of the day is when 5-6pm meeting gets cancelled

Just had the first meeting in the new company I'm working at.

Started at 1:00 pm
Ended at 5:30 pm

Almost had to slap myself in order to stay awake

😴

Pro tip to scrum masters: bringing a scrum suitcase to your sprint meetings is more useful than bringing scrumbags.

that feeling when half your day is meetings :/

You fucking piece of crap of an idiotic client. What the fuck do you need to know more than “job will start upon signing the quote”? A fucking bouquet of flowers? And now you need a meeting to “improve communication between you and us”. Read the fucking emails, I’m not your fucking employee. “Why should we wait that we approve the ticket or whatever to get the job done?” BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING MAINTENANCE CONTRACT. I am not your buddy and I don’t fucking do favours. You want the job done? Either you accept the quote, or you accept the ticket request, or you subscribe to a fucking prepaid or flat maintenance contract. It’s simple as that you fucking elephant broken Asshole.

Fuck you and your fucking meeting requests.

As a Java developer I didn't write a line of code at work for about 2 months. Been so busy with meetings, doc, governance, architecture decisions, running after people for approvals,... I really miss coding.

Outlook must have a different meeting in mind than the one I will be attending tomorrow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The project manager and sales team decided to call a meeting to see how long a project I'm currently working will take to finish. Little did they think to ask the only person working on it.

Who the Fuck Came up with "SCRUM MEETINGS"

Getting older means attending more meetings.

Why the hell there is a skype meeting with around 100 participants... And all i have to do is just connect and listen to same 2-3 persons... Repeatedly.

PS- mostly no one even listens😑

Long, laptops closed meetings are needed sometimes, but they still make me sad :(

We just had an hour and a half long meeting, where at the end we spent 15 minutes debating whether or not to add 15 minutes to the meeting because we didn't have time to go over all the issues...

I can't work because someone else broke the build and they're in meetings all day.

That's how you know it's real Enterprise development.

Had a day with 5 hours of meetings.
Told my dissatisfaction to my superior, she understands.

I have a 7 hour meetings day today.

😔

My team has regular daily meetings they all call scrum. Meetings like 1+ hours. I wanna immolate myself in protest!

Being a lead developer, I don't know if I am on the side of developers or managers.
In a product roadmap meet today, one of the developers explained the update of last week. He talked for at least 15 mins.
After that the sales lead looked at me, expecting me to explain (or basically dumb it down for her)
Me: Oh, he meant "UI improvements"
She: Oh, why didn't he say so?

I don't know who was the reason for the FacePalm 😐

Meetings... They say coding is 70% thinking and well.. I find meetings to be a great place to think about what am currently working on. I go in with a sketch book and sketch away. I always figure out whatever is bugging me by the end of the meeting. After all the PM will send a summary of whatever I may have missed during the meeting

I love it how managers try to act busy by going through the same mails over and over again while waiting for a new one so that they can instantly reply to it and show themselves off as "prompt" and screw us, who have to actually do some work, about not sending mails promptly and they have like this one single excel sheet opened at all times and they just make one obscure entry whenever they get an update and WOW, some of them don't even know how the fuck you spell Avro (spelt it as avero, handwritten) and oh, not to mention waste everyone's time by asking a mundane question that other managers are so eager to answer, one by one, over and over and did I mention THAT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HALF THE PRODUCT.

I hate dumb ass meetings that have nothing to do with me but people invite me just for the kicks

Why ask a question if you're just gonna cut me off

During my internship.
Got wonderful opportunity to present a project to a senior Director of a different team.
And just moments before meeting, my project stopped working.
Was a disaster.
Later came to know there were internal issues in the service I was using in my project.
Though not my fault, but during the meeting, I managed to show a video of the project.
Let me know if folks wants to know what happened later..

so I had a very important video conference for some rather large cloud infrastructure that Im engineering. I decide to look "smart" so i decided to wear a jersey during the video call. I aced the meeting, happy people all round. I walk to my room and my wife says "you do know your jersey is inside out...and back to front..and the label is sticking out from under your chin....How did the meeting go?" me:"..fine until you pointed out a look like a 2 year old dressed me !" ... well thats one way to kill the happy feels!

Having meetings about how to have effective meetings is my own personal hell.

Before implementing a feature that is one hour of work for one developer, let's have four meetings about it, a user survey, specifications and endless discussions on resources.

Comin’ to you live from the middle of a pointless-ass meeting!

corporates -.-'

In this company we hire consultants to manage consultants Who spend their days in meetings with other internal consultants.
Wonder why profits are down, we need more consultants!

My russian ex co-worker, who had cut his toenails during meetings in office. Wtaf!!!! Disgusting

Thanks to my new job, now i have the time enought to meditate.

The planning meetings are so long and so usefull.

Seriously, when am I supposed to, you know, code? Ugh.

Whoever at Zoom decided that this button needed to be at this location on the Touch Bar ought to be fired.

Out of a cannon.

Into the sun.

Or at the very least doomed to have their desktop or webcam shared at random times during sensitive meetings. It is for the grace of God that the client didn’t catch me straining to hear the awful acoustics in their conference room.

At my job in the past week there have been at least one 1 hour-long meeting every day with today hitting the record with 3 meetings.

This is fucking insane. I signed to a developer job, not a guy-sittimg-and-listening job.

A coworker during scrum today: "Last week, I worked on the new feature. Also, I have an announcement for everyone: I'm going through a divorce so I moved in with my parents and will be working remotely for a while. I have no blockers...except for the divorce."

Almost every single meeting

Meetings: A great place for people to come together and listen to themselves talk.

Unscheduled meetings are the worst.

You preparing whole day to leave early for the day, then manager suddenly puts up an unscheduled meeting. Oh great isn't it!!

I NEED MY SLEEP FFS!!! It is 06:20 in the morning and I am already on the train to work because one of our managers felt the need to plan a meeting from 08:00 on monday morning to explain EXACTLY why something does not work.
Needless to say that she is no dev (or has technical know how)!
But the best part is:
THE INVITATION FOR THE MEETING WAS SEND OUT FRIDAY EVENING SO THERE IS NO PREPARATION-TIME WHATSOEVER!!!
Fuck

Past: playing on the phone in class
Today: writing code in meetings

"You're all being made redundant"

There's no easier way to make a developer want to be productive than to stick him or her into business meetings.

why is everyone's god damn answer in the corporate world fuking meetings?

you usually don't solve anything with them anyway, and there's too damn many

if you took the time to read the conversation, you'd know there's no meeting needed and the other party agreed to a method that wont break shit

or if you had half a brain and read the part of the chat you didn't even need to scroll up for you could think of something simple like not breaking working things and asking before changing it?

fukin corp retards, company men. how is this world still going?

Every. Meetings. Ever.

A gigantic waste of time

Corporation.
Meeting with middle level managers.
Me - data scientist, saying data science stuff, like what accuracy we have and what problems with performance we managed to solved.
Manager 1: Ok, but is this scrum?
Manager 2: No they're using kanban.
Manager 3: That's no good. We should be using DevOps, can we make it DevOps?

So yea, another great meeting I guess..

NO FLIPPIN MEETINGS to interrupt my coding

Just want to write code... no emails, no documentation, no meetings.

Got a middle software developer position at a great company.... wrote 10 lines of code and spent 90% of the time in calls and meetings.

Who schedules meetings for 4PM on a Friday?

You know you are agile when you start your days with several daily meetings!

exactly, those meetings are a fucking waste of my fucking time...

Managers... managers with an addiction to meetings

Meetings about meetings...

When you've been invited to follow all company calendars.

(in a meeting between o&m team and business partners to assign priorities to various tasks)
I.T.: So what priority would you put this new task?
Business : it's our 1.
I.T.: ok, and this other one?
B: it's a 1.
I.T.: ...

Refactored a lot of code in between meetings today. Feeling accomplished. Haha!

We have a Monday meeting at 07:30. Yes, I have to BE at work at 07:30.

Now, my boss knows full well that I have to fight through traffic every single fucking day and also that I travel for on average just over an hour. Some days we're looking at closer to 2 hours!

And, without fail, the meeting will start at 07:30 with or without me. There are days that I catch the arse end of the meeting (like today) or other days were I miss the meeting altogether.

I'm done with this company in any case and am currently looking for alternative employment. And I'm also done with going to these people and talking about this!

Meeting101:

1) Schedule a meeting to discuss some important issues.
2) Discuss everything but those issues!
3) Schedule another meeting for same issues.
😭

Migration in progress (long one, lasting over a month)

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to discuss migration progress

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to agree on what should we test

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to get specs of the new infra

Seriously, PMs. One 1 hour long meeting costs at least 4 hours of productive time (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting, 1+ hour for preparing for the meeting, 1+ hour for post-meeting discussions). And more often than not all meetings end with "We will come back to you later in regards to <some question not answered during meeting>" and it always means "we'll continue this chat via emails"

Why can't you first ask "do we need a meeting or can we sort this out via email?" ??? Or are you intentionally wasting everyone's time?

That moment when the CEO teaches you how "real programmers" spend 20% time in coding, and other 80% in writing company wikis, updating documentations and attending meetings.

Avoid useless meetings!!

My 12 year old bag, now with graphics, goes with me to client meetings and acts as a deterrent for clients talking shit/fake knowledge or cliches.

Meetings.

Smartphone manufacturers these days, imagine how meetings to come up with ideas for new products go about.

Product manager :ok people,what can we do to make our next smartphone 'different'.

Employee 1: let's add more cameras
Employee 2:Let's kill the notch
Employee 3:Let's include the buzzword AI in all of our marketing
Employee 4:Let's put 8Gb of Ram in our phone
Employee 5:Let's just do all of those things and also give it a screen with a ridiculous aspect ratio and unnecessarily high resolution.

Hey Chris can you join this conference call where we will talk about hardware and pricing options and not bring up anything software related.

Sitting in a board room with about 20 people all who have flown in from different parts of the world to discuss the project plan for a web app with an international user base.

We are discussing a web form with a dynamic layout based upon the users profile. Users enters a ton of information, calculations, are made, and info in stored into a db. Info can be updated and will be reported upon later.

One of the project leads representing Europe suggest that the form be exported into Excel so that the user can fill it out in Excel only to be imported via the application. WTH!!!! Later I found out this was that leads 2nd week with the company. Why were you even at the meeting and why did you have input?

when you look at your calendar and it has more meetings than time to code... :(

Buzzword bingo in meetings by pointy heads who have no clue what the words actually mean.

Starting the week with a 3 hour meeting to discuss importing Customer data to a new crm, if I should be allowed to take the time to do it or not.

I finished it last week and already imported the data to the syst enviroment and scrubbed it.

I spend more time Waiting for meetings and attending than doing the work.

Meetings. I don't know how management people get anything done, but the time I spend in meetings counts completely opposite, in terms of productivity.

After some months as head of our software department and one meeting after another I finally had a chance to program again for a whole day... I instantly felt happy for the first time in a while. I think taking this role on was the worst idea I had in my life... now I have to change this

Fuck scrum meetings, especially when everyone is late

Sorry I'm on my computer during the meeting but I can multitask I swear!

(I can definitely write code and troubleshoot with other devs on Skype, while you're talking)
I never said I was listening to you though! Lol!

Got a new guy. Having a dumb meeting. New guy is humblebragging. It is making the dumb meeting longer. I feel angry. Like Warren Moon must have felt in 1995. He is a PhD. That's probably why. Ugh.

Why are there so many meetings?
Just let me work.

Sat in a 4 hours "strategic" planning meeting on a Saturday.! The kinda stuff that makes me want to drink this:

a meeting on why we are behind on a project. a meeting about meeting about being behind.... too many useless meetings

We had a floor meet early morning, regarding some business advancements and new "business framework" in our company.

Guess who took a sick leave.

PS : Apparently tech is not the only field with buzzwords.

PPS : Floor meets? Early morning? Why?

I am working with a team that's producing tons of new services..
And me being a fresher, reading new designs every other day with God knows complex implementations and business requirements and attending design review meetings(where I can barely understand anything)
having a great learning curve..
Hopefully, I survive this period and cope up with the inputs...
Note: Just don't ask what's my contribution.. I am gearing up for the D-Day to make my impact(not a negative one).. 😎

Cut. Meetings. Short.

My russian ex co-worker, who had to cut his toenails during meetings in office. Wtaf!!!!

Disgusting.

That moment when: you lift your gaze from your phone to understand the sudden quiet is because your expert opinion is needed in the meeting.

Stuck in client meetings all day when all I want to do is walk around and play Pokemon GO.

The CEO at my previous company used to schedule two meetings, spanning 1-2 hours, per week. He would also schedule several smaller meetings throughout. A real micromanagement type.

CEO: "Why aren't you going to meet the deadline?"

Also note, we were a three-man team and were not consulted about a possible deadline.

Monday morning client meetings are usually a pain. If they're not delayed once, they're delayed twice, and they go on for hours, taking up the entire morning for everyone on the project.

To make today even better, it was about an hour of our client ripping into us developers on the project, and the application we're making, to shreds, saying that we have a lack of attention to detail and are working well.
(not bearing in mind, we're building a hybrid application, so it's a glorified web page and we can't test on every android phone, or iOS device and any combination of keyboards for those in between, and every problem comes with its own quirks when you're forcing things with html, js and angularjs).

I feel back for the pm, she had literally 5 more hours of salty, salty calls with our other poc about the issues raised and how we could go about fixing all these minor issues, since they know the solution to them, despite having little to zero technical knowledge.

Just another day in the office I guess.

Why can't meeting organizer enforce time schedule, especially ending?

It's pretty much normal to stay 1,5 hour on 1 hour meeting.

How do you feel about meetings?

MEETINGS
Daily stand up
Weekly status
Fortnightly update
Monthly planning

Life would be so much simpler without meetings. Just chat, why fuss over "meeting"?

As it is most of the things don't go as per what's planned in the monthly planning meeting.

Neither is there much of an update in the fortnightly update meeting. Only update is what we planned, isn't the right direction.

This will obviously screw up the weekly status. Screwed up planning is dishevelled implementation.

Daily stand up is just very sleep deprived developers, who don't wanna talk.

Make it my time's worth; say no more meetings.

Meetings... meetings...
I fucking hate you... I know sometimes you are useful and necessarily for making decisions... But I just can't help but hate you.

What's the difference between interruption and meetings?
Meetings are planned interruptions.

So you really want me to get angry? Send me invites to more than 1 meeting a day

Had to wake up 1 hour earlier today, and the worry of that kept me awake last night. Now I sit here like a zombie, hating the day that I'm going to have, which is not full of exciting coding with headphones on and Babymetal in my ears, but full of meetings.
I already see my eyes tearing up, reality fading, a guy in a meeting asking me something and pulling me back to reality so that I could stare blankly into his eyes and reply a generic "Yeah, I agree with your proposal", so everyone will think that I'm on drugs or something.

Welp... gotta go. Fuck.

3 and a half hours of meetings later I finally know what I'm having for dinner tonight.

I love useful meetings 😄

Oh man! the long meetings.....
Only produce headaches nothing else.

I hate morning scrum meetings.

Meetings.. Was I not listening? Blame it on the ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

Maybe society has AEHD (Attention Expected Hyper-Delusion).

Seriously, who can pay attention to someone speaking AT you.

We have amazing magical devices one can enchant to do their bidding; Contemplating the details of such, often, is more enjoyable than what your rambling on about, talking head.

Not sorry, ;).

Also THANK YOU, you amazing MIT's (Manager of Information Technologies). A lot of you understand and even may use your underling employee's as a vented heat sync for your frustrations. I love what you do and thank the universe I don't have to engage myself in those activities. I have sympathy for the decision to give up your jeans and t-shirts for business attire; keep strong, your role is vital. <3

The insomnia is going to have to give me a break. Work in 3 hrs, time for a nap; and no, I don't take ADD medication (Amphetamine). I don't need a prescription; I can procure my own drugs, thank you.

Nor would I do them to get through work, that's drug abuse.

Yay! Another meeting to go over a design concept for the next version of our website, awesome this makes meeting 16

Me - 1+1 is 2
Client : Did you say 1+1 is 2
Because even i thought 1+1 is 2 and i think we should go ahead with 1+1 2 because that seems like a good thing to me.

***"1+1 is 2" can be replaced by some long tech discussion

#my brain hurts

Who uses Cisco Webex Teams video conferencing? What's your opinion on webex?

When you take a notepad and pen to a meeting and write nothing...

Usually at the end of meetings I always ask "May I go and work now?"

Is it just me or big scrum meetings suck your soul?

Technical meeting

We were at technical meeting a while ago, they discussed our infrastructure implementation, all was good.

Then some motherfucker of our technicians, suggested that we should move to bitbucket, I fought fiercely to don't even think about leaving bitbucket.

Suddenly the cock swallowers bosses agreed to bitbucket, they submit their changes.

10 min after the meeting i broke into the biggest boss room, gave him my resignation letter, I just told him, signing your acceptance to move to bitbucket, you should sign this too.

Boom, assholes.
I'm free now.

Just came up with something inspired by @librarycomic for use at the very start of every meeting with the customer.

"You have the right to remain silent. Any ridiculous specs or illogical features that you say can and will be laughed at in the back project office room.
Any real questions you ask will be answered to the best of our ability, as long as they don't violate privacy or the law or the internet.
You have the right to be in a hurry or tighten the deadline, but not to expect that it will cost the project any less.
With these rights in mind, let us begin our progress meeting. On to you."

Feel free to fork and contribute! :D

Daily meetings

boss. "I have a one o'clock meeting" Project Manager "uuuuuh, it's after one" boss: "it's an asynchronous meeting"

My resting meeting face.

Why doesn't Skype of business have an application for Linux? Every company meeting where a developer isn't involved is run on sfb. Being on Ubuntu it is hard to attend any such meeting. Any meeting between developers is on zoom so we're good.
We can't really convince every one (other than developers) to start using zoom.
Do we have any other alternatives? Is this a lost cause?

Meetings truly bring up the best parts of you.

Just dozed off for 30mins during this meeting, and only 2 mins have passed...

Hate when this happens!

As an intern a couple of years ago I was in a meeting about our department were having to many meetings. The outcome was two more meetings and a workshop about how to have more efficient meetings.

When you bullsh*t stuff the whole meeting, then they setup a meeting tomorrow to continue where you left off today

I was sent to sit-down with client in a meeting.

They basically discussed their findings.

(By "discussed" meaning just reading the contents of their presentation.)

In the end of the meeting. They said they'll email the presentation.

Another classic "I survived another meeting that could've been just an email"

This should be done before every meeting..

Meetings...

But I realise that the meetings are only for eating donuts 🍩 🍩

Been invited to a bi-weekly meeting about a project that I'm not even working on yet.
I think I'll just go and cut my own brake cables then drive home.

Tales From "PM vs Chen"

PM: *Walks up to Chen's cube*
Chen(that's me): *Taking off headphones* "Are we about to have another meeting about the meeting we just had?"
PM: "Yes"
Chen: "Okay. Just checking." *Waits for PM to share his thought*
PM: We're almost done.
Chen: "Yes" *Waits again for PM to share his thoughts*
PM: *While walking away* "Making Progress"

who else dislikes attending a meeting where the topic is discussing more meetings that will be happening.....

Sitting through useless Friday meetings thinking "I need a goddamn drink".

Had a four hour retro/review yesterday. Plus a mini demo I had to put together. Three hour sprint planning session today.
And they still wanted me to go to some "company values" meeting tomorrow, aside from the weekly call I have to report progress. Fuck that shit.

I feel like I got nothing done this week. Monday and Tuesday were fine for the most part, but since it's been just complete idling.

I mean, I love my company, great coworkers, good management, and just all around great experience. But man, it gets frustrating when you lose so much development time... I wanted to sprinkle in some extra goodies for the next sprint, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

PM keeps inviting me to meetings so I can see the process flow he created and bask in his greatness... :-/

meetings sure seem to go a lot smoother when my boss is having good tinder dates

!rant
I get to work from home for a few weeks 😏

Programming and attending meetings in my underwear here I come!

How long do you think code reviews should be? Ours can run from anywhere between 10 minutes to 4 hours

Am I the only one who feels like morning scrum meetings are a complete waste of time? At least in the way that my team does them. It's 30 minutes of "I did this thing yesterday, and I will continue to do that same thing today." All of this information can be sent in an email, but we insist on meeting every morning to say the same exact things.

For the past 3 weeks, the majority of the team has said the same exact things during scrum: "I continued to work on this big feature yesterday. Thank you." Like how does a detailed retelling of what this person did yesterday pertain to the rest of the team? It's just meeting for the sake of meeting, and talking for the sake of talking.

If you have this little technical issue that only pertains to work that this single person is doing, then meet with that person separately and discuss it. There's no reason to make everybody else sit and listen to information that will never be useful to them.

And most of the time, this scrum stems into spontaneous unplanned longer meetings afterwards. So suddenly this "quick" 30 minute scrum turns in 2-hours of meetings and a morning wasted on information that could've easily been discussed over email instead

Meetings. Am I right?

"Standup" meetings are based on the assumption that standing up gets uncomfortable after a while. In our team however, the meetings are not getting any briefer, we are just getting fitter. Perhaps we should introduce some more uncomfortable position, such as jump-up-and-down daily scrums, or yoga daily scrums.

2 things that piss me off as a professional developer doing contract work...

1. A fellow dev accepts a meeting invite, doesn’t show up and won’t pick up the phone.

2. A fellow dev taking a meeting in a noisy place with bad wifi.

This guy has now managed to pull #1 last week and #2 this week...

Department meetings.
50% - "it's the user's fault"
50% - yeah, it's going great. It's positive"

Our associate program manager is currently giggling at her desk on facebook and we have a meeting in 5 minutes. A senior dev finally gotup and went to setup the meeting room... triggers the shit out of me when producers / program management dont setup meetings that they scheduled.

omg this is not what the meetings are about!!!!! keep dumbass questions to yourself until the q/a period...

The best parts of day are meetings with my boss. Meetings where said boss is always late, and inevitably asks "is it time"!

How ethical is it to schedule meetings after the usual work hour?

Being asked to produce a graph for metrics a, b and c and then being invited to the two hour "a, b and c" meeting to explain what they mean to the people that asked me to graph them. That's rapidly becoming my "job description"...

3pm meeting on a Friday. really.

That moment, in a meeting when you are trying to show a technical flaw in a manager idea... And suddenly you have a déjà vu moment from the "The Expert" comic sketch...