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Search - "mental health"
One year ago, I quit my job in order to "make life easier". And by that I mean work+home in the same city. I went from 40 minutes commute - to 3 minutes. I had a blast the first week.
Then I realized that it was actually a mistake. I did not like working with "that kind of systems" and "that kind of tasks". It was tedious, stupid, and I was angry every, single day because the previous ones had built a system on 10-15 year old hardware because "it is cheaper".
That continued for a year. I discovered new stupid "solutions" every week that was potentially dangerous for the company. It built up a huge pile of shit and I started to feel that my mental health was disappearing, fast.
And equipment such as servers, switches, routers, storage started to fail because of age. Despite my warnings from day 0 to the CEO who only kinda laughed it off and said "you can to solve that", but I never got the approval to actually buy the equipment that was needed. Because "the company did'nt have the money for it". Somehow, the company had the money to buy expensive cars for the CEO - I can't really figure out that equation.
So today, one VERY old UPS died at our office. It caused some powerspike that killed off some switches and a NAS.
"Whatever" I thought, I just have to find the backup of the files and get a new one.
Then I discovered, that the NAS that acted as a iSCSI target for VM's and document storage was backed up using VEEAM on another server - that was configured to backup everything to the same NAS. I just wanted to cry, because I could not take anymore shit.
So I picked up my phone, called my old employer and asked if I could start working for them again. My old boss got insanely happy and gave me a great offer which I immediately accepted.
So tomorrow, is the day that I am going to walk into my current boss and say that I will quit. My last day will be on Christmas day. And I will start my new year with a few weeks off, and then back to the job that I actually loved.
Life is to short to work with something you hate.13
Anyone who creates a Facebook Libra account and puts money in it and uses it to buy stuff/for transactions should have their fucking voting rights removed and be submitted to a mental health institution.
Just my personal opinion.27
Hey, wanna hear a disappointing stack?
- vanilla inline CSS
- shitty random legacy PHP
The author is NOT responsible nor liable for any injuries, mental health issues, sanitary problems, asexuality, crippling depression, triggered by this rant nor liable for any damaged walls, hurt animals or deaths.12
Was struggling with depression and stress for an extended period. So, naturally, I had more sickdays than average.
However, I was still managing to overperform on my goals, so when it came time to discuss salary I was hopeful.
Didn't get a raise, not even a pat on the back. My manager told me he couldn't justify giving me the raise I had earned simply because I had had too many sick days. So my actual performance didn't count. Everybody else got raises though.
On a previous occasion he told me that I had to 'Learn what it means to have a job' and get my priorities straight. I told him I already had very little social life so I could spend what little energy I had on work. I tried to explain to him how depression works and he assured me he understood.
Yeah, right. My colleague with back problems, who suddenly couldn't walk, didn't get that treatment.
Depression is real. I'm so glad they ended up firing me so I could work for a place that cares.8
First rant, please take pity on the noob! 😐
Recently I've secured many of my user accounts spread throughout the internet. Using the same old password for everything is bad for security and for mental health! 😫
Since I was on the mood, I've tried to do a 'break glass' scenario, simulating an attacker that possessed my Gmail account credentials. "How bad can it be?" I've thought to myself...
... Bad. Very bad. Turns out not only I use lots of oauth based services, I also wasn't able to authenticate back to Google without my pass.
So when you get home today, try simulating what would happen if someone got to your Google or Facebook account.
Makes you consider the amount of control these big companies have over your life 😶16
DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH
FUCKING DICKSHIT THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED YOU, THE WORLD DOESN'T WANT YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE SUFFOCATED STRANGLED BY YOUR MOM'S VAGINA. HOLY SHIT "Im sO HapPy tO LEarN prOgRAmmiNg" YOU ARE NOT FUCKING LEARNING ANYTHING IF YOU END UP WITH A 3000 LINES SINGLE FILE YOU ARE JUST SMASHING YOUR DEAD PARENTS ON THE KEYBOARD LITTLE SICK PIDGEON RAPER. FUCKING BACHELOR STUDENT OF MY ASS HANG YOURSELF.17
Oh dear, another Tuesday!
That means I'll probably get chewed out for something in front of the entire company. What for, you ask? The boss is inventive, so it could be anything.
Instead, I'm calling in sick and taking the day off. 😊14
I called into work today and was completely honest with my boss. I needed a mental health day after a huge break down last night. He completely understood and asked if there was anything he could do and told me to take care of myself today.6
So, continuing with the story, I decided to quit today.
I'm not even a month there, and I'm running out of there in flames.
I've got 2 panic attacks in one week, I'm not sacrificing my mental health for some idiot's scam.9
My Girlfriend broke with me today.
We was in this relationship from two years now. we was doing very good, our relationship was not toxic, no fights, no bad words, zero problems.
One month ago she goes to travel with her evangelical aunt to the beach. Her aunt have lot of money she gets from scamming all that believers. I was happy for my ex-gf because here in out city she was having lot of problems of health, mainly because she was not very mind stable and that degraded her health.
When she goes, her physical and mental health improve a lot. i was happy she is stable now. Her aunt have some Church around the city they go, aunt started to bring her very often to the church. She started to strongly reinforce they God beliefs.
Of course im atheist, she know that from very long time ago. But of course when she started to be more devoted, feels dont fit with me. I refuse to change my mindset about that topic.
Today she says we must broke because im not a believer. This was the most painful experience in my life. I fall in cry for three hours. I truly love her. I recently wakeup and decide to write this rant. I dont have too much friends to talk apart from her. So i wish to share this here.
Im unemployed, she was my only support all this job hunting times. Now she was gone and im alone, this hurts a lot.
Im trying to dont fall deep af, to non return path.
Fuck religion. and her fanatic aunt.35
3 weeks ago, at 33, I jumped ship from a dead end career as a technician and landed my first programming job at a startup. The pay is lower for now and I'm constantly feeling burnt out from learning so much so fast, but I haven't been this happy in years. Seeing light at the end of the tunnel can do wonders for your mental health.3
A few months ago, I decided to let go some old clients with bad behavior and/or bad projects, since I noticed this was affecting my mental health (lowering my self esteem, make me feel depressed, anxious, etc).
I was exhausted of doing miracles in projects without git, build files, staging enviroments (yes... you can imagine), and receive all sort of curses when sudenly something stopped to work.
I set some requirements to work with any new project/client: 1) project needs to be under version control, 2) it must have staging enviroment, 3) I must work with build files.
As I still have contracts running, I'm communicating this to clients as soon as I finish my obligations.
Today, one of these clients told me they are leaving to work with another developer.
Reason: They said my new requirements are unreasonable and they prefer doing the old way.3
I recently, I switched job for an open source company in Lyon, FR.
They had struggles to find me something to do (still has, tbh), so they sent me to a client of theirs, to help for a biiiiig project that's really old (created in 2001)
And it goes on forever. I told them that I hadn't the required level of PHP knowledge to have an excuse to get the fuck out of there, my company didn't like it but it was either that or my mental health.3
The worst work culture I've experienced was at a local security company.
There was a reason why over 15 people come and go within 6 months (just 30 people work there):
The boss is a fucking psychopath and should be (mis)treated in a high-security mental health institution.
There has not been one sane day during the 90 days I had to work there.
A friend of mine still has to work there because he can't find anything else in his current situation...11
After months and months of slaving away, I quit my start-up job and feel completely amazing- here's what happened:
Met a classmate in grad school and he talked about starting his own company and he had full funding and etc. After graduation, moved to the new city where the job was located.
There were all these promises of us being co-workers and working on cool things and many other promises made. Soon after starting the job, most of these promises we're just smoke and mirrors.
Started working day in day out. Worked from 8am-9pm most days and worked on weekends too. Treated me like a I was a dog, talked down to me, gave unrealistic deadlines, pressured me with attitude and threats of losing my job. Hell, they thought they were the smartest person to touch the earth basically- example being that they mixed jQuery with VueJS in our Django template.....who the F*** does that. Another thing being that they had issues with me soft deleting records since they wanted them completely hard deleted and we had gotten into a giant argument about that fml.
What led to me leaving the job was that I had gotten sick one of the weeks, and I still showed up to work. Each day I was gradually getting sicker and sicker. Still tried my best to get work done. Saturday morning I get the most passive aggressive and bitchy text from my co-worker. "if you don't complete blah blah blah by Monday, we are going to have issues. Then on Monday you will work on blah blah blah". They blew the fuse with me. They would always punish me for being sick or taking a vacation. I'm not a dog, not a machine, I'm a f****** person. Went into his office when the work week started and gave my resignation on the spot and felt like it was the best decision I've ever made.
Now I just feel like a giant toxic cloud has disappeared from my life. I did walk away with so much experience and knowledge but now I just feel extremely burnt out from programming. Is this what I even wanna do anymore?
Few lessons I learned along the way:
1. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is
2. Free lunches aren't worth it
3. Unlimited PTO doesn't really mean unlimited- there's always stipulations
4. Start-up life isnt as cool as they say- don't take TV portrayals as the real thing
5. Your mental health is extremely important
6. It's okay to admit to yourself that you're burnt out
7. Take a break
8. STARTUPS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE
This is just my experience and what I learned, so telling my story. Phew, feels so good to get that off my chest8
LONG RANT AHEAD! I'M SO UPSET!
Off topic I know, sorry. Needed to vent.
So, right now I am studying Maths / Physics at University, but before that I got a HNC qualification in Applied Sciences.
While I was at college we had a very nice maths lecturer. I won't mention her name but she was very good at what she did and she always had a laugh with us.
Today, I visited the college to say hello to everyone, only to find out that she'd been removed from the building just moments before I arrived because she had a literal mental breakdown. She couldn't take the stress from the students who refused to do the work.
It all started when she tried to get in the lift. Everyone at the college knows she is very claustrophobic and so when she gets in a lift, everyone has to get out. No big deal. Except this one girl in her class, who is especially ignorant, refused to move and it sent the lecturer, who had been on the edge of a breakdown for weeks, into a blind rage. She ran up to the student and threatened to fight her if she didn't move. Other lecturers ran out and separated the two, only for the lecturer to throw her entire box of teaching supplies down the hall, smashing it into a million bits. She then proceeded to smash her head against the wall and shout "doesn't it feel better when you hit your head against a wall?". She was immediately escorted off the premises. No ambulance called. No support. Nothing.
It's safe to say her career is ruined.
Her teaching permit will be revoked indefinitely.
She'll never teach again.
She's lucky if she doesn't get arrested.
She's still not getting the help she needs because noone can be bothered dealing with it.
And its all because she couldn't handle the stress of the class she was teaching. A class that went out of their way to be mean and deliberately not do the work, because they knew they would get away with it.
I also blame the college. They were warned several times that she wasn't coping and the behaviour of the students and they did nothing. Nada.
A lovely woman who was brilliant at her dream job has been rendered jobless and mentally unstable in minutes.
All for what?
This event in particular strikes a chord with me because I suffer from mental health issues also - mostly anxiety. And lately its been getting worse. Sometimes I feel like the world is passing me by and I have no idea what I'm doing and if I'm going to fail at life, but I have support. I have counsellors and therapists if I need them. She didn't.
Sometimes I hate this world.10
Me: take care of yourself, people. Physical and mental health is more important than your work.
Also me: I stay up late to get everything done, wanting to prove myself. I try to please people, work longer than I know I should, and am watching out more for others than I do for myself.4
Not specifically dev related other than being hired as a dev, more a corporate thing.
I have medical issues that mean I can be a bit variable in my starting time. Company was aware and floated flexible hours as a possible solution, but never said it *was* a solution, and just left it there really breezy.
Nailed this down with my line manager a couple weeks later after HR lost their shit, apologised and thought nothing of it.
Few days later I read a blog post about IP clauses in contracts that reminded me I intended to ask, as mine didn’t have one.
Asked HR, no response for like an hour, then “we’ll get back to you on that”
Following week, pulled into a sudden meeting. “Sorry for short notice of meeting, but we’re terminating your employment effective immediately for ‘lack of commitment’”.
The day before, the company literally had a company day where they banged on about their values and how they wanted to support their employees and foster an environment for good health and good mental health.
No disciplinary proceedings. My line manager found out 5 minutes before I did.
I emailed a few colleagues afterwards and apologised, and they were stunned it had gone down the way it did.
I was so blindsided and angry in the meeting, especially after I believed I’d found a company that was actually different and cared.
And I did my work, I stayed late quite often, even produced a couple internal devops tools in my time there.
The kicker is that it was within the probation period, so I have literally no recourse for any action against them.
What’s the most bullshit corporate clusterfuck you’ve been through devRant?2
Not caring about other people at university. Setting my own pace when it comes to learning had a huge impact on my mental health.1
So Here's a story of how I severely messed up my mental health trying to fit in university.
But the bonus: Found my passion.
Her we go,
Went to university thinking it'll be awesome to learn new stuff.
1st sem was pure shock - Programming was taught at the speed of V2 rockets.
Everything was centred around marks.
Wanted to get a good run in 2nd sem, started to learn Vector design, but RIP- Hospitalized for Staph infection, missed the whole sem and was in recovery for 3 months.
So asked uni for financial assistance as I had to re-register the courses the next semester. They flat out refused, not even in this serious of a case.
So, time to register courses for third semester, turns out most of the 2nd year courses are full, I had to take 3rd year courses like:
Social and Informational Networks
Human Computer Interaction
Parallel and Distributed Computing (They had no prerequisites listed, for the cucks they are: BIG MISTAKE)
Turns out the first day of classes that I attend, the Image proc. teacher tells me that it's gonna be difficult for 2nd years so I drop it, as the PDC prof. also seconds that advice.
Time travel 2 months in: The PDC prof is a bitch, doesn't upload any notes at all and teaches like she's on Velocity-9 while treating this subject like a competition on who learns the most rather than helping everyone understand.
Doesn't let students talk to each other in lab even if one wants to clear their friend's doubt, "Do it on your own!" What the actual fuck?
Time for term end exams and project submission: Me and 3 seniors implement a Distributed File System in python and show it to her, she looks satisfied.
Project Results: Everyone else got 95/100
I got 76.
She's so prejudiced that she thinks that 2nd years must have been freeloaders while I put my ass on turbo for the whole sem, learning to code while tackling advanced concepts to the point that I hated to code.
I passed the course with a D grade.
People with zero consideration for others get absolutely zero respect from me.
Well it's safe to say that I went Nuclear(heh.. pun..) at this point, Mentally I was in such a bad place that I broke down.... Went into depression but didn't realise it.
I met a senior in my HCI class that I did a project with, after which I discovered we had lots of similar interests.
We became good friends and started collaborating on design projects and video game prototyping.
Enter the 4th sem and holy mother of God did I got some bad bad profs....
Then it hit me
I have been here for two years, put myself through the meat grinder and tore my soul into shreds.
This Is Not Me
This Wont Be The End Of Me
I called up my sister in London and just vented all my emotions in front of her.
Been a long time since I felt that.
I decided to go for what I truly feel passionate about: Game Design
So I am now trying to apply for Universities which have specialised courses for game design.
I've got my groove again, learnt to live again.
Learning C# now.
It's been a long hello, and If you've reached till here somehow, then damn, you the MVP.
I feel like this is my first actual rant in that it's a monologue possibly showcasing my emotional baggage. No TL;DRs, so grab a coffee and enjoy.
Hey entrepreneurs and people who write about entrepreneurs, can you stop glorifying life-ending risk and workaholism? It's unhealthy and it goes to ridiculous lengths.
Going on about how you maxed out all of your credit cards, nearly lost your marriage, and still ended up rich should not be seen as inspiring. Impressive, sure, but not inspiring. In a fair world, your story should be seen as part of the self-congratulatory silicon valley gold rush culture where people actually believe that lottery tickets and following their own destiny should involve putting up their chance to ever find peace as collateral.
If you made it with hard work and at great risk, then fantastic! I'm still happy for you. I just wish your success didn't buy you the credibility that it does, because you still didn't discover a formula for success or life in general. You took a plunge and survived, which is fun to watch! It's like seeing someone skydive without a chute onto an unclaimed island and keeping that island. I'm just saying that if your story makes a whole bunch of people start skydiving without chutes because they think they'll land on their own island, then we went from hearing an amazing story to everyone just being retarded.
I'll avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater: If you want financial health and a sense that you are not letting life pass you by, definitely maintain that course and accept risks along the way. Just be reasonable about risk!
I saw an article that started by saying "To start and support your own business, you’ll have to put your career, personal finances and even your mental health at stake." ...Yeah, maybe if you want exponential growth in 5 years because of some kind of cosmic terminal impatience or dysfunctional belief that your moral worth as a person equals the rewards you shoot for.
For people like me who are okay with using a steady paycheck to feed conservative growth and gigs for side income, putting all personal finances and mental health at stake is not an inferior life choice. I strive for flexibility in the event I lose income, and to me the ability to adapt and achieve financial independence is far more valuable than entering into all-or-nothing arrangements in the startup lottery. I won't be filthy rich or stupid famous, but that's okay. I don't need to be.
To those of you on the fence about entrepreneurship, my advice is not to focus on getting rich or famous or even feel the pressure to do so. And it's definitely not to take more risk than necessary. Ask real questions about what lifestyle would make you happy. If it's having a 9000 foot square house, a pool and worldwide admiration, then fine, make the leap. But if you think you're SUPPOSED to have the huge house and worldwide admiration, then I'm telling you that you don't. You are just as important and valuable as a person even while millions salivate over Elon Musk and walk around with inflated aspirations.
And if it helps, good budgeting, wise investments and careful risk management can still get you ahead on lower salaries. Someone making $30k a year but is cautious about savings and staying out of debt can end up just as free and flexible as someone making and blowing $800k a year on luxuries. As for acceptance, having just one person love you for the impact you make on their life is infinitely better than having millions adore you for the (possibly bullshit) image and dream you are forever expected to show them.
To close this out, I'll speak back to the entrepreneurs out there again again: I'm not judging you for making your own life choices. I AM judging your shitty, egotistical need to showcase how great you are for your success when what you did would probably bankrupt the next person to try the exact same thing. And I'm DEFINITELY judging telling people that working 100+ hours a week or risking everything is a necessary part of making dreams come true.
Entrepreneurship is great. Entrepreneurs are full of shit.28
This is going to be a rant, but personally, I'm pleased with the outcome of my life now.
I was part of a community for a few years and decided to help them out with my knowledge of programming Lua nearly 2 years ago since they lacked developers for the project itself.
Since it was sort of a custom language that they modified how Lua worked on it, it took me a bit to adapt, but within a few weeks, I was pretty fluent in this so-called custom language they had. Began working on some major updates, additions, removals, and just optimizing this code base. It was a pretty old code base and needed a good chunk of love.
A few months later, I've implemented loads of features, optimized the base whenever I could, and then things start taking a turn for the worse. We get new 'developers' who haven't ever coded the language, and worse they couldn't afford to provide them development servers thus they ended up breaking my servers. I helped them and they learned, they were decent, but now the Seniors and CEO's of the project began to take a toll on me.
I was told that this community had a reputation of driving out developers, ruining their reputations, and that is what started happening. I started getting questioned if I was loyal to helping them, that I've become lazy, even though they were explained I've had mental health issues for a few years and have been hospitalized multiple times.
These sort of attacks kept happening for months, and then they finally pushed my buttons, where I was talking to another Senior of how we should redo the base since it's just so massive and a few tiny updates to the base take a few days to implement across the entire code. What instead happened was that I went to sleep, and this Senior told the CEO I was going to steal the code base and go sell it...
I woke up to messages of how the CEO is all pissed off, and that this what the Senior said. At this point, I started responding with, fuck it. I was so sick and fucking tired of their bullshit. I was the only fucking competent developer, and I did more work in the few months I was there then some people did in 2 or 3 years.
A few hours later I decided to go chat with the CEO and explained what was truly brought up, and he just brushed it off like I was lying. At that point, I lost it. I told him why the code base was horrible since he hired stupid ass developers. He didn't know how to code. People wanted certain items, and he wouldn't be able to add them for fucking months and players sit there making fun of it. Some people state the only differences they see within the code is the code I've done. Basically, he was an incompetent fuck that said he knew what he was doing, and had all these big plans for the future yet couldn't listen to the only competent developer and fucking claimed bullshit.
Now a few months have gone by, I'm looking at their community and it's basically dead with no proper updates except for copy and paste updates claiming to be custom coded. While I'm working on my real life businesses (Which are currently being a headache, but within the year should resolve its issues), starting University for my Computer Science degree here soon, and even considering building my own game here.
Basically, karma is a bitch and that's why when you get loyal people in your life, keep them. (Writing this at 3 am after a few drinks, hopefully, it made sense, I think it does.)
Anyways, goodnight everyone.5
I rewrote my resume. It is getting shorter and shorter. Scary.
But I was thinking, that during interviews, I never get to ask the important questions. Like, I do need to ask a few things that are important for me. Those that are not written in their websites, and they will do their best to hide.
So I came up with a list of questions:
1. Do you pay for overtime work? what is the basis of pay? hours or work-module? how realistic are the work-modules?
2. Have you ever had issues with employees from minority groups?
3. How do you address employee's professional concerns? for example, about technological debt.
4. what's the policy for meeting and daily interruptions during brain-work? Are people ever forced to participate in meetings that could be summed up in emails? what's the company policy for initiating a meeting?
5. Who designs the software? Are the requirements always non-negotiable? do the direct developers have a say in design matters?
6. How close are job requirements (as advertised) to actual tasks I need to perform?
7. What's the company policy for motivating the employees?
8. How does the company deal with mental health issues? is it acceptable for people to take leaves due to mental health issues? Has anyone ever done it?
9. How does the company deal with individual needs for working methods and space? Specifically, how does that apply to meetings? Do you have company-wide meetings? How often are they? What's the impact on productivity? Can employees not participate? Do they have to have an excuse to not participate?
10. Do developers get to develop their skills during worktime often? Or is it a "do it in your own free time" kind of thing? Are there any resources available to those who want to develop their skills further? Is it included in the career planning and employee performance review?
11. Assume I work for your company for a year. What are the benefits I can potentially gain in a year from working here, aside from adding a line of work experience to my resume?
12. Does the company provide any form of free feminine hygiene products in the bathroom?
Any questions I should add?94
New job on the horizon after being unemployed for a couple of months. Moving away from full-stack a bit to focus in on front-end stuff. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Expect rage-filled rants in the near future 👌
Taking some time off was beneficial in all kinds of ways: got out of long term toxic relationship, got in betterer shape, learned stuff I'm actually interested in, mental health improved massively along with self-esteem, and I reconnected with friends and family. I'm actually enjoying life again. Don't get me wrong though, I had to claw my way out of a pretty dark hole... But I'm starting to think I fucking made it. This is a new start and I'm excited.
Fuck being in a toxic relationship.
Fuck working a job that is killing you.
If you're reading this and feel stuck: you deserve better. Listen to your gut, only you know what kind of life is good for you. It doesn't matter if it's a good job by every possible standard if it's making you miserable! A relationship exists to help you grow, to give you energy, to cultivate love. Sure, you'll go through bad times but if it's pathologically bad it won't get better on it's own. Trust me, I waited years for things to get better.
Anyways, good luck with whatever is challenging you right now, big or small. 😘6
Fresh out of dropping out of uni with a real heaping of newly diagnosed depression.
Get job in the industry.
Absolute joke of a company, spiral even further.
Thus begins the saga of boom / bust and the universe / myself fucking me over just as things get good that has been the last 8 years of my life.
Maybe one day I’ll write properly about my experience of mental health, in industry, in welfare and in my family too.
Suffice it to say, anything that leads you to take a whole year out, as well as makes you question whether what you thought was your dream job is actually right for you - is, ultimately, the definition of burnout.
tl;dr - the last 8 years have been a fucking burnout episode.1
My life didnt go as smooth as i expected. Everything happened as expected, i knew what going to the uni requires, i knew everything...
But i didnt accounted for my mental health. Since forever i have thought that im lazy or something like that, that i can do everything i just have to do it. Oh how wrong was I. It went from my projects being frozen for a long time due to lack of motivation to neglecting important living activies. Even my health suffered a bit. Everytime i failed, even the simplest task no matter why i always felt even worse. Even the most basic tasks were unimportant for me. Even some minor tasks that i failed gave me huge guilt. Not to mention that my family wont help me with my mental health at all, (they cant see what is realy happening they always think im lazy) (but maybe they could fucking figure out that being sad liteary for years is bad). My contact with friends is limited, im always scared to go or more often scared to ask is they have time to meet because they are ALWAYS busy...
So that was my life, alone, against people who were demanding (and my mother who thought that her hard work was everything i needed, but no. Money, food and clean house isnt everything that human requires to propely function!). Now I have scheduled a meeting with the specialist, i hope the uni has better ones than the other ones i had. I hope he will help me and i will get out that life downwards spiral.9
I have had this job for 2 years - my first real job. It has been very very stressfull for the last 6 months and it feels like everything is falling apart in the company. It's a small work place with only 6 people in total.
A week ago my boss wanted a meeting and I got a feeling on what the subject may be. I was right about my thought. I was being fired because he feels like everything is falling apart mainly because of me. Though, I don't feel the same way, I think more it's the whole team that failed.
But the most weird part. I'm getting fired, I then have 3 months left, though, he says that I can in those 3 months show my value for the company, and if he thinks that I again have value, I can stay.
Who the hell fires an employee and right after says, you can stay if you prove your value? I don't really feel welcomed here anymore.
My motivation have drastically fallen the last week and I'm just sinking more and more. Maybe it's a good thing to get away and get a new job that values me and doesn't stress me the hell up.
I've been the only developer for over half the time here and I can feel that.
I just had to get out with this, so thanks for reading my small rant about my shitty life :)8
I personally feel that most social networks like Facebook are a source of depression for this generation. It's a known fact that "instant gratification", as we call it, it's slowly destroying the mental health of young minds. Do you think devRant is slowly becoming something like that? I see people only posting memes, popular jokes, or self-praising posts these days (no offence). I truly love devRant for what it is, and I don't want it to become another generic social media platform (even though it's within the developer community) :(2
I made an app that suggests you the optimal time to go to bed based on your local sunrise time. Works like a charm for me.
Now I can wake up with the sunrise at 6:30am and feel super-refreshed.
I'm always here for your feedback and suggestions.
Me: has continuous mental breakdowns and health issues because of stress@college
Mom: if you dont finish college you wont get a good job
Me (already earning more than my parents together): yeah u r right
Me: *continues college*
Can i just die14
Noticing a bug once or twice but not being able to reproduce it after that gives me anxiety. This job is detrimental to one's mental and physical health. Serious question. How to unfuck yourself?4
One thing I learned about being a developer in a community of non-developers. DO NOT EVER BE NICE WHEN SOMEONE TALKS ABOUT THE NEXT FACEBOOK THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE.
DO NOT EVER TELL YOUR FRIEND OR RELATIVE THAT YOU'RE GOOD AT WHAT YOU DO, AND DO NOT EVER SAY "I WILL THINK ABOUT IT" WHEN THEY ASK FOR HELP. JUST SAY "NO", AND IF THEY ASK AGAIN SAY "NO, FUCK YOU".
YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON WHO NEEDS YOUR HELP. FOCUS ON YOU.14
We live in a world where WEAKNESS has become a virtue.
- I'm oppressed!
- My mental health!
- I need a helper!
- I'm sensitive!
- You're fatphobic!
- <INSERT SJW's IDENTITY term>
In today's world, you score more social points for describing yourself as weak & blaming 'oppressors' for your miserable life10
The most important skill you can have is doing things without shame.
Shamelessly stay in your bed all weekends watching PewDiePie, never brushing your teeth, eating Doritos from under your pillow and peeing into empty Mountain Dew bottle if you feel like doing it.
Shamelessly spend your vacation sitting in the toilet with a laptop browsing reddit.
Shamelessly cut your product in half and ship it if you don't feel like perfecting it.
Shamelessly admit that you don't know something when you messed something up at work.
If you are a millennial like me, chances are your gen x parents told you that you have to be perfect / really good to succeed and to be worthy.
You know what? Fuck your parents then. Fuck my parents as well. Admitting this behavior wrong and actually giving up on living like something is always watching is the best thing you can do to your mental health.
I'm lazy. I write "any" here and there when they force me to do typescript at work. When I need a sidebar, I go and copy-paste that jquery snippet. I write like one article a month at best and I really want to say "fuck it" if I just don't feel like it.
You can always give up on everything and it's perfectly fine. This doesn't make you any kind of looser or something. You're perfectly fine.
Too bad I'm only beginning to master that.9
Hello fellow people,
though I'm normally just a lurker, I want to take some time to make some new years resolutions I probably won't follow after a few days, but I do have some small goals I hopefully can achieve.
1. Hopefully not regretting to post this. I get kind of anxious when I think about someone I know could see this. I'm fairly new to this site, so I really don't know what's going to face me.
2. Getting my mental health on the right track.
I could do so much more if I wouldn't be as... occupied with uncomfortable thoughts as of right now, such as feeling as if I am not able to do what I want to do because I'll never achieve anything so why even trying... I want to change that, because I'd be more able to do things I want to do; to have more energy for uni because that's what I originally wanted to do. study computer science because it was and probably is still fun to me. finding the motivation I've had a few months ago.
3. With that follows... trying new things; starting a project and hopefully finishing it.
I don't know. I normally don't do these kind of new years resolution things, but I took this small opportunity, even if it is just for me, to write it down.
Here's to... another chaotic year, as always. But better chaos. I don't know... why am I doing this? This page wasn't meant for this or was it? I'm confused now. I'm sorry if this bothered anyone ^^'10
Hey all, I just wanted to spread some aware to mental health issues in this industry since I'm very close to burn out according to my psychiatrist.
I'm not even 25 years old, just worked 1 1/2 years full time and 3 years apprenticeship before that. So, I'm pretty young and "new" as a software developer.
Many projects got wrong horribly and fights with the clients felt as they were carried out on the back of the developers. Timings and specifications were communicated poorly, deadlines were undoable but no one listened.
I thought, this is normal. Now, after weeks of on-off-working because of reoccurring small illnesses, clearly caused by the permanently high stress levels, my psychiatrist, which I visited yesterday for the first time, was totally shocked. She was surprised, I could even handle it so long. That hit me quite a bit. I already expected it to be bad, but close to burn out... That came, I don't want to say unexpected, but quite unexpected.
It was really hard holding the tears back while telling her my story.
And now here I am. I'm currently on sick leave till the end of the year (then my employment at this company ends) and I feel bad for them, to leave them. I know, they could use my knowledge and abilities, but I shouldn't damage my mental health even more.
I will not work for the entire January. If my psychiatrist thinks, I shouldn't work in February as well, I will do so even though my plan was to work again.
I will not work full time again, since my brain seems to not be able to handle it. Maybe some time in the future.
This turned out to be way more sad than expected. I just wanna leave this here. Thanks for reading.
If you people are in such horrible situations, try to break out.9
If you have been a software developer for more than 10 years and still like your job you are either not really a software engineer or have mental health issues.10
Quit my job almost a year ago, not sure if I want the same job again. Still love coding but I think I have to look for something else in favour of my mental health.
Today I made some woodwork for charity and it felt great. But I can't get rid of the lil dev in my head:
- I wish I had some kind of VCS
- Someone must have done this before, why didn't he open source his work?
- Ain't there any lib for that?
Qin Chen, a 38 year old facebook employee, recently committed suicide and facebook is trying really hard to hide this.
Apparently he was too stressed out at work and was trying hard to steer things his way, he almost succeeded, but then his manager backstabbed him and left him helpless.
Instead of promoting a better work culture and taking steps against such malpractices at workplace, facebook is trying to hide this incident.
Facebook has to realize that them behaving this way not only insults the departed and his family, but also raises a question that is the life of any of their current employees of any value to facebook, or do they just look at them like workforce and not humans?
Let us not be silent. It was Chen yesterday, it could be any one of us tomorrow.28
Not at all.
I’m a dropout. 🤷♂️
My dropping out was due to mental health from a bad relationship and also the realisation that I was failing the math-based portions of the course.
I’ve no doubt had I been better with maths and finished, the course would have been useful, but not the degree itself.
Not having it has never been a real barrier to my finding work, though it did raise eyebrows and require explanation to begin with... now my CV kinda speaks for itself in a way a degree simply doesn’t.
Throw in the fact that most grads can’t code (https://blog.codinghorror.com/why-c...) and employers are starting to wake up to the pointlessness of the degrees.
Real world learning, experience and intuition are *far* more valuable.
I will counterbalance this with the caveat that, if you’re doing things on the very bleeding edge, then a compsci degree beyond undergrad is likely the course you want to forge, I assume there’s no decent substitute for access to the knowledge of experts and the tech / equipment they bring to bear.... just avoid becoming an ivory tower type and you’ll be fine.5
Two years ago, heavy burnout stopped me in tracks :( And it sucks! Big time! Along real medical issues I am having, I have even worse one - non existing long term concentration and I hate that. HATE it.
Reading documentation was a bore before, now it can be painful. Trying out something over and over until solution is found was fun (most of the time) - now I need many recuperation breaks. Keeping up and managing padawans was interesting and challenging (to say it mildly) - now I know that part is over (it would be too much).
But! I did start coding again. Just for myself, without any real stress of project deadlines. Still find it engaging. So - that is cool :) But I do need to be wary of old ways. Few hours of work with many hours of free time - not the other way around as before!
So, sorry for a bit odd rant here but it is coding related and a real issue.
I just needed to say this and get it off my chest.
To conclude - please - manage your work & free time carefully. Burnout is not just annoying - it is freaking dangerous for both physical and mental health!2
Does anyone else get crippling fear anytime your boss wants a 1 on 1 meeting?
I always assume I'm getting fired and panic over it..even though so far that's never happened.13
Well , this isn't a rant or a joke , so I just thought I should post it here in case people are going through a similar situation . So I know this guy , who works at this startup , so he had just joined the company and made a huge impression on the boss ( My friend is fantastic in developing ) , so as great as that sounds , it doesn't . After a year or so , he's been promoted and is now kinda a face for the devs of the company and this made his boss very cocky , like he would take so many projects or requirements of his top clients and place them on the shoulders of my friend and give a bad time limit , which is impossible but he always managed to just finish completing it . Naturally it affected his sleep cycle , his daily life and as a result , his mental health . As time went on and as more and more projects were being placed on him..........he finally broke , he used to miss so many days of work , not return any of my calls or texts , miss lunches , have breakdowns . I became very concerned and didn't want him to end it , I went to his place , spoke to him , found out that he had suicidal thoughts . Fast forward a year later , he's still going to a shrink , everyday but he's better now and after forcing him to talk to his boss and now his boss gives him plenty of time to finish the projects and said to be straightforward with how he feels and so on . I know this isn't what you would expect to find here but I just wanted to say after having this experience , please do not keep quiet , be straightforward with your boss and don't overburden yourself , if you're an introvert , tell it to someone you know , to tell your boss , and if you know anyone in a similar situation , do be out there for them . I'm sorry if this kinda spoils your mood , but people have to be aware . Be careful , lots of love people4
I haven't really known what to post. But I've decided not to care about being relevant or care about the like count. I'm a very competitive person so things like like count tend to effect the way I see the quality of a post.
I want devRant to be a place where I can be honest and feel safe even if I don't get the validation I sometimes wish I had. And hey maybe someone will think my opinions or thoughts are interesting.
So let's start with a little about me. I'm a 17 year old kid that loves programming. I work full time as a full stack web developer and I'm really the only web person. The current system is built on WordPress because of fucking course it is. I don't like it but I gotta keep it user friendly for less techy people to manage. No one likes have all minor changes and tweaks having to go through one person when they could do it themselves. So I manage.
I'd say my passion is more backend development but I do love having a pretty UI to display the results.
I've struggled with mental health the past few years but I'm doing much better. Even just last week I had an anxiety attack during a social event. I came here for the community and I do enjoy it, but I'm gonna try to make it an outlet. My best friend went off to university and I don't really have any IRL friends I can just be me around.
I don't have anything special to say. But if you read this thank you for listening to some random kid on the internet. I hope you have a great day.4
Welp. My mental health is down the drain.
I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but I am well aware of the situation. I can't even bring myself to sleep on a proper time frame, and depression is crawling back like an abusive ex.
There. Complete failure. Where do I sign out for this life?
Footnote:This is not fishing for attention, more like ranting in the void. (or trying to) Apologies to the one who I should've probably talked to about this, but never did.33
I sometimes feel like some people's comments on devrant are enough for a mental health crisis diagnosis. I wonder, how can we diagnose people through text? And can, let's say, ML do any better.
I mean; let's say for example abusive behaviors. This may be an online community but that doesn't stop some from abusing others, right? But the only form of communication here is text, right? What if you could diagnose... Not even that. What if you could inform a mental health expert about a toxic behavior online? We do have a lot of "internet policing" but we have no "internet mental health help" for toxic behaviors and attempts to mitigate that. I don't mean banning people. I mean literally in simplest form tag a psychotherapist in the convo.
Just thinking. :)14
I have been burnt out for over a year and a half now combined with mental health issues.
I was working an underpaying job, doing senior-dev work for a less than junior-dev pay, with an incompetent understaffed team. The work was so mundane and most of the clients were stupid. I hated work, my colleagues, and most of all I hated programming.
I finally quit the job and quit programming as well. I couldn't touch or see a terminal window without panicking. I've been spending my time binge watching series and movies.
Recently though, I've started picking up coding again. I've been blogging and doing some changes to my blog beside other light stuff.
This is the story of my first burnout and it's taken its toll on me. I hope it's the last one but who knows.3
I just finished watching bandersnatch. God in the beginning I indentified so much with the main character.
Now I'm just concerned about my mental health.5
So, i've noticed something:
- My grandfather drinks nothing but the water.
- My grandmother recently increased her water intake due to meds making her retain water way less
- My dad has been drinking more water in an attempt to be healthier.
- I don't drink the house water without boiling it first, as i'm the only one that thinks it smells and tastes like wet dog smells, aside from with like kool-aid or similar where the taste is masked enough to not be detectable.
Well, what does this matter? I'll tell you:
- My grandfather went from fine aside from minor balance issues to totally mentally fried in 24 hours.
- My grandmother is spacing out while driving and falling more and more.
- My dad went from fine to overwhelmed by basic decisions in a couple months of moving here.
- I've noticed a slight decline in my mental health, but this is probably from issues i've had with my college and general stress.
Correlation ≠ causation, but... it's usually-unfiltered water from a well placed uncomfortably close to a lagoon, and it was never tested for safety before use (despite my protests.)19
One of the devs didn't show up to stand yesterday, remote or in person. Turns out he was in the hospital for seizures.
They asked me this morning to work Sunday and I said no. It's not worth the money and I'd rather have the weekend. I don't need to be prone to seizures to know that this level of work is deeply unhealthy.1
Long story short, I have to drop my studies for now bc serious mental health issues. I feel like a failure, but I mean, I actually attempted to.... well, I'm here to say it and not complete the phrase. I need to rebuild a lot. And I would really to make some friends are. I have no one to talk to.14
A few weeks ago, I was reassigned to another project. Ever since I have been in love with this new project. It has made me get my passion back for coding. I hadn't realized that I had lost it and how it had affected my mental health.
The past 4 days taught me a very important lesson,
Gentoo is neither good for my laptop, nor for my mental health.3
It is the time for the proper long personal rant.
Im a fresh student, i started few months ago and the life is going as predicted: badly or even worse...
Before the university i had similar problems but i had them under control (i was able to cope with them and with some dose of "luck" i graduated from high school and managed to get into uni). I thought by leaving the town and starting over i would change myself and give myself a boost to keep going. But things turned out as expected. Currently i waste time everyday playing pc games or if im too stressed to play, i watch yt videos. Few years ago i thought i was addicted, im not. It might be a effect of something greater. I have plans, for countess inventions, projects, personal, for university and others and ALL of them are frozen, stopped, non existant. No motivation. I had few moments when i was motivated but it was short, hours or only minutes. Long term goals dont give me any motivation. They give as much short lived joy, happines as goals in games and other things... (no substance abuse problems, dont worry). I just dont see point of my projects anymore. Im sure that my projects are the only thing that will give me experience and teach me something but... i passed the magic barrier of univercity, all my projects are becoming less and less impressive... TV and other sources show people, briliant people, students, even children that were more succesful than me
if they are better than me why do i even bother? companies care more for them, especialy the prestigious ones, they have all the fame, money, funding, help, gear without question!
of course they hardworked for ther positions, they could had better beggining or worse but only hard work matters right?
As i said. None of my work matters, i worked hard for my whole life, studing, crafting, understanding: programming, multiple launguages, enviorements, proper and most effcient algorithms, electronic circuits, mechanical contraptions. I have knowlege about nearly every machine and i would be able to create nearly everything with just access to those tools and few days worth of practice. (im sort of omnibus, know everything) But because had lived in a small town i didnt have any chances of getting the right equpment. All of my electronical projects are crap. Mechanical projects are made out of scrap. Even when i was in high school, nobody was impressed or if they were they couldnt help me.
Now im at university. My projects are stagnant, mostly because of my mental problems. Even my lifestyle took a big hit. I neglect a lot of things i shouldnt. Of course greg, you should go out with friends! You cant dedicate 100% of your life to science!
I fucking tried. All of them are busy or there are other things that prevent that... So no friends for me. I even tried doing something togheter! Nope, same reasons or in most cases they dont even do anything...
Science clubs? Mostly formal, nobody has time, tools are limited unless you designed you thing before... (i want to learn!, i dont have time to design!), and in addition to that i have to make a recrutment project... => lack of motivation to do shit.
The biggest obstacle is money. Parts require money, you can make your parts but tools are money too. I have enough to live in decent apartment and cook decently as well but not enough to buy shit for projects. (some of them require a lot or knowlege... and nobody is willing to give me the second thing). Ok i found a decent job oppurtunity. C# corporation, very nice location, perfect for me because i have a lot of time, not only i can practice but i can earn for stuff. I have a CV or resume just waiting for my friend to give me the email (long story, we have been to that corp because they had open days and only he has the email to the guy, just a easier way)
But there are issiues with it as well so it is not that easy.
If nobody have noticed im dedicated to the science. Basicly 100% scientist that want to make a world a better place.
I messaged a uni specialist so i hope he will be able to help me.
For long time i have thought that i was normal, parent were neglecting my mental health and i had some situations that didnt have good infuence on me as well. I might have some issiues with my brain as well, 96% of aspargers symptoms match, with other links included. I dont want to say i have it but it is a exciuse for a test. In addition to that i cant CANT stop thinking, i even tried not thinking for few minutes, nope i had to think about something everytime. On top of that my biological timer is flipped. I go to sleep at 5 am and wake up at 5pm (when i dont have lectures).
I prefer working at night, at that time my brain at least works normaly but i dont want to disrupt roommates...
And at the day my brain starts the usual, depression, lack of motivation, other bullshit thing.
I might add something later, that is all for now.1
I work on two projects from two different teams with the requirements provided late and the deadline rushed, now you expect me to join two separate stand-ups for those two teams as if working on these two projects gave me more time and extended the deadline? Fuck no. Fuck you.
I'm talking to the manager overseeing the entire project today. I'll ask him if it's possible to stop this type of shit in the future. I will finish this one task but I don't want any more of this moving forward. If he chooses to kiss the client's ass then he shouldn't be surprised when I leave.
1. You stop them from borrowing me. You lose one back-end developer for one project but you keep the said developer in the other project. Why do they keep borrowing anyway? They have a lot of developers, most are more familiar with the codebase and will be more productive than me.
2. You lose one back-end developer for both projects. The other project would have no back-end developer at all. Yeah, good luck with that. You're having trouble hiring back-end developers, aren't you?
If I was younger, I'd keep my mouth shut and take this in as experience but I'm too old and too frustrated. My mental health means so much more to me than your opinion about me. Call me incompetent, unprofessional, and spread that shit around. I don't care.2
How do you guys cope with developer burn out?
Any suggestions for someone going through it because I no longer feel enthusiastic to work on work related or home projects.14
[this post is not a joke, it's about health, ladies might want to avoid reading it as it about defecating]
i did mindfulness during shitting and i think more people shud try this.
instead of just pooping without giving any attention to it or using phone while pooping, you can use your phone for guided meditation with apps like Trip, Calm, ...
While shitting I noticed small things like the water tap, I slowly rotated it; first the water came in drops(listen to it), then in a small stream, then a turbulent flow.
If your attention drifts away, gently observe that its a thought and let it pass.
focus on what is happening right now. Feel how your anus vibrates to fart, giving a tingling sensation.
focus on how the turd comes out of the anus, the way it expands your sphincter muscles and finally drops in the crapper.
Practice gratitude. I realised how lucky I'm to shit comfortably in solidarity, many people in the world don't even have such privilege.
I feel good that I've flush mechanism in my toilet and 24x7 water supply. The shitting time can be utilised in a very positive way like this.
Look at your shit and wonder this used to be food, and be grateful to your digestive system.20
At the turn of September, my mental health went really down hill.
I have always had problems getting to sleep and feeling that I don’t get enough sleep. So having a day without sleep didn’t feel so strange to me. Usually after that I have had great sleep, the next night not so much, and so. It is often a cycle of good and bad days / nights that gets triggered by too much stress probably.
This time I didn’t get to sleep the next night neither and I started getting really stressed about everything. I had psychosis-like symptoms. I super duper over-reacted to every stimuli and my head wasn’t in a good place.
I posted here about watching news and trying not to overreact and stress too much.
Then I posted almost a cry for help where explained the situation with politics and world news. I don’t get it either.
So I freaked out for no reason, and I just stressed more about the attention I got from devRant. Then I had a feeling that I’m being followed and thought that someone broke to my apartment. I was paranoid.
I left my home to calm down elsewhere. My dad’s and mom’s house. Didn’t help, and I ended up in hospital. Not too dramatic though. Just resting and trying out new medication.
Now it's better. I have the new medication and I'm having some health studies done on me so it won't happen again.2
I need a project. I am on holidays, I don't have a computer at hand and can only code small things on my phone, mainly in python... Sad thing is I don't have any idea what to code.
Give me your challenges (please), so I can keep mental health!
P.S: if anyone has a working way to use Node.js on Android, I'd be glad to take it :)13
I hate all the hate, violence, and abuse in the world. I live somewhat close to one of the recent mass shootings and I’m fortunate to not have known anyone involved. But I wish we’d just stop trying to point fingers and actually do something about the mental health here. All the Racism, Sexism (on both sides), and mental health that goes unchecked genuinely makes me sad. And this bullshit with Walmart taking down any advertisements for “violent video games” but still selling guns is horse shit. Idc if you sell the guns but if you’re going to fuck over video games for nothing because they’re never the cause, then stop selling guns if you’re rolling off this bullshit logic.
I hope everyone is safe and doing okay.10
My shortest naps are giving me the worst nightmares where I wake up before the alarm. These mostly consist of violence around. People running in groups with HUGE rocks to thrash onto others, violence on a daughter by her own family, people completely destroying terrace walls.
This needs to stop somehow. It is clearly influenced by the things happening around the world right now. I just don't understand how will we ever reach a point where there is enough peace. A point where humanity can be understood without baseless justifications.
Being a hothead maybe doesn't mean you need to heat it up every time before using it. Anger against any injustice can be put to really good use. But going around destructing someone's mental health or physical belongings and then later faking regret after knowing the truth is 😔
Please. "Look before you leap." OR if you've already leapt, think twice of the outcomes and what lead you to doing something so disturbing, so easily. Sincere apologies could convince the affected person to not jump off the cliff.
I swear the affected ones can be capable of equally powerful and destructive revenge. But they somehow manage to take the "there must be a reason" path and choose to see the good in everything. Sadly, this certainly starts with home.6
So this is my experience with depression and how actual treatment differs from "idk man just stay positive" boomer advices and other crap like that.
Am I the problem or is my job?
TL,DR: Problems at work on a specific project with wide scale, I'm the only developer charged to fix them, work is very frustrating, I'm getting very anxious and stressed and thinking about leaving.
Recently we've been having problems with software that we developed which has been in production for a year now, the client has accepted the software but decided to put it on the shelf for a year and release it publicly now, after that some bugs and problems started appearing and I was pretty much the only one who had this mission to help with the problems since the other coworker had left the job, problems are still appearing to this very day and there are new functionality requirements as well, I'm getting anxious and overly stressed, in the last 2 weeks I have worked 3 weeks worth of hours, no pay for overtime, and even when I go home or on a weekend I can't stop thinking about work, problems and new tasks there. It has stressed me out so much that sometimes just wanna say "fuck it" and leave, I think it's damaging my mental health as well, my boss told me that problems are not my fault since the system was not tested properly and I should just focus on solving the problems at hand, but fuck it I don't wanna get anxious and think about what problem is left for me on the table whenever I go to work, I overthink so much it's like my life depended on it.
The scale of the project is large (nation-wide, small nation though), I started developing it with only 1 year of experience, now I have 2 years of experience which I think is part of the problem since I do not have enough experience to deal with this shit and also I think it was inadequate of the management team to let me (a junior dev at a time) develop the core of such software.
I hate this project and everything associated with it, I'm thinking about leaving.
Your thoughts and what would you do in my shoes? Should I stay and deal with my stress and anxiety and continue working here? Or should I leave and look for a fresh start and a better organized team?
If you are still reading this thank you.3
a lot of people claim video games cause violence. imo they do.
a lot of the arguments try to prove that because the majority of video game players aren't shooters isn't valid in my opinion, because, in tjis situation, even if 99.99% of gamers with access to a gun don't have a mads shooting, the 0.01% is enough.
add in a loneliness, a bad childhood, mental health issues, and being in a bad place at the time, i think it's possible.
now don't get me wrong - i don't believe video games should be banned or something, i'm just saying i believe it's feasible that video games could be a contributing factor in a mass shooter's choice to do unspeakable actions.
do you guys think i'm being naive or logical ?32
I've come to notice that mindful meditation does some good things to me.
And by "mindful meditation" I mean my subjective experience based on the shitty articles and videos I saw online, aka, I close my eyes and focus on how my breathing feels...
spoiler: it doesn't fix my depression and anxiety. The good thing that it does to me is that I seem to be more focused and to bump into simple solutions to problems I have everyday instead of freaking out about them.
So while it doesn't fix it, it does help a bit with anxiety.
The problem is that it's very, very, very goddamn hard to meditate to me.
I try to focus on my breath and not think for like 10 minutes. Even for 10 minutes, the experience is jarring.
I have this insane urge to just do something immediately. It's not a painful experience or anything or bad for my mental health so far, I just get massive urges to start doing something else, like, for example, I can't wait to start working.
So it's as if it decreased anxiety, but increases adrenaline or whatever? I dunno.
Disclaimer: I don't care much about the religious aspect at all, which is kind of problematic because 95% of what you find online is just biased religious marketing, and I avoid that like the plague.8
So today, i talked to my manager about my burnout and she offered the extra resources to help my project. And if nothing goes wrong, i’m going to take leave for 2 weeks by next week.
My advice, we are human and developer is special human. So, talked to your manager or boss about your problem, it’s their job to help you on this.
On last thing, i hope you guys pray for me and i hope i can be a better person once i comeback. 👌1
Are we sure reading this isn't going to have an effect on my eyes..? Or in that fact, on my mental health??
Like does anyone think to themselves, "I wouldn't want to read that," and actually change it so the next person isn't going to want to do a table flip meme style and walk out the door?
At least add spaces between your lines so my eyes don't bleed out...5
Coding for me has been such a heartache and a relief at the same time. Having an outlet for my brain activities has improved my mental and emotional health significantly.
It also thought me a couple of valuable lessons:
1. With enough efford you can accomplish pretty much anything
2. You're not the only one struggling with issues, life or code related.
3. Moronic people can be found everywhere you look.
4. Patience is key to grow as a human being.
Best: Started working successfully, raised my self confidence, can finally see my future
Worst: Started feeling the effects of too much work on my mental and physical health (bad eyesight, back pain, weight...)2
Yoga! Helps me to maintain a sound mental health. As a result analytical thinking becomes more enjoyable and less stressful.4
Hi guys some advice would be appreciated.
I’m new here but have followed for a long time. I enjoy coding in my spare time, particularly web development but I am looking to make it my career.
Currently I work in mental health as a social worker, but ultimately the stress of the job and life in general has led to me being detained in a psychiatric hospital. So I’ve decided I need change.
I want to start a career I want to be in and that is as a developer. In terms of education, I started a degree in maths/cs a long time ago but stopped due to life events at the time. All the rest of my qualifications are around social work.
Are there any self made developers out there who have any advice for me? I’m looking at doing a bootcamp but dunno if that will help at all.
Any help or advice would be really welcome. Cheers guys :)23
YouTube or Anime, I don't know which is worse for mental health
Crushing procrastination vs destructive seduction, pick your poison14
One of my friends just royally pissed me off by deciding to repeat some crap she heard on TV about suicide being very selfish. I have depression and she's just taken a huge shit on mental health I'm. She can be a stupid cow sometimes...2
Turned in my two weeks... and im on lunch with the team and the boss.
Why did I do this, this is just awkward. 😥
Is a BS in CS even worth it? I’m struggling so much right now with many different aspects of “online learning”, to the point where I spend the entire day shaking in misery. I was fine until I realized how close we are to finals this semester. The worst part is, this semester isn’t my last hard semester. Taking two miserable CS courses in the Spring as well, so it isn’t as easy as just keeping my head up and making it through this semester.
I finished my AA in CS from a local Community College, and I’m wondering if it’s worth the stress of the next two years in this degree track?
I’ve never tested well, but these CS and Math courses hit differently when online. I pass every single coding project with ease, but fail exams (literally). I realize my AA doesn’t mean much, but I do have lots of experience coding (Way beyond what I’ve learned in school).
Truth be told, I think I just want to hear you guys say it’s not worth it. Most companies that I see requires either a BS or equivalent experience, how do I get that experience, especially with COVID?
I feel like a failure, and I can’t deal with this pressure on me daily. My mental health has taken a giant hit recently. I know for a fact that I cannot endure another two years of this.
Someone, guidance. Please.7
Years ago, I would go on forever with my personal projects. I got so much stuff done I almost couldn't believe it. Today, I just can't. My mental health the last 2 or so years has made me lose interest in everything and i can't even describe how much I hate it. What are you supposed to do when a recruiter asks you why you haven't done much the past 2 years? Say you had mental health problems? Sure they're not allowed to discriminate because of mental health concerns, but they do. I feel like I have to lie on the US disability form, no matter how minor the problem is for the company and little it affects my work ethic. But then, when I'm late more than most because I barely slept or couldn't will myself to get up in the morning, now i can't explain myself.
If anyone here does recruiting or interviewing, please realize that happy face we show at an interview is sometimes a mask for deeper problems we feel we can't admit because we won't be hired. I hate that terrible events made my already inbalanced neurotransmitters worse, but that doesn't mean I will be a worse employee. Please look at me for my skills and enthusiasm for software engineering. That one detail shouldn't be what makes you say no.1
[Seeking Advice / Legal / Opinion]
Hello world, (TLDR at the bottom)
I'm the co-founder of a small startup and looking for advice from people of legal background or similar situations. (Any help making the reddit post more active will also help a lot: https://reddit.com/r/legaladvice/...)
Just as a backstory for better understanding:
a couple of years ago, me (early twenties, male) and another guy (late thirties, male) started an entrepreneurial journey, got in an accelerator program and some investment, and things always looked well.
We opened the company and started working / selling our services. Step by step we started recruiting, and getting some clients, and business is going well... ("well" as in, small revenues but not spending more than we earn).
The thing is that me and my co-founder's relationship has been degrading over time and I think it would be better for us and the company to split up and go our own way. He has the majority of the shares and I don't mind leaving it all behind for the sake of the company and mental health.
This is in US, if it helps, and we both have At-Will employment contracts.
My main question is, *if I do sign a termination contract*, from what I read, I'm obliged to remain reachable for a period of 12 months (plus all those IP related stuff, not sharing confidential info, etc).
 Is there anything I should be careful about and get some kind of protection or get some more information before resigning?
I'm afraid that if I leave the company it affects the business negatively, as we both work 16 / 20 hour shifts many times and my work would not be easily replaced by anyone in the current team. We are hiring more people right now, and some seniors, and I was thinking on staying one month dedicated only to training them...  Could this be specified in some contract that I am resigning from "today", but stay 30 days focusing on training new people, or anything similar?
I don't mind staying in touch and help whenever they could need, but I will not be available 24/7 and I will obviously need a job to pay living expenses, so I don't want to affect negatively my time in other jobs or personal life and be kind of protected against anything that he could do to make me stay continuously connected or compromised.
I'm interested in knowing any opinions and advice you guys may have, and feel free to ask some questions if you need extra details.
I just want the best for the startup but cannot hold much time in the current environment.
TLDR: Relationship between me and co-founder is getting worse, thinking on resignating but want to keep some sort of protection against anything that could make me keep compromised to the company.7
I had a few products that I was working on, put myself really hard into those products, started a business and was ready to take a first round of investments when suddenly I lost my job in mid May because I had to take care of my mom that suffered a Stroke and since then I've been helping her.
This is driving me crazy because I'm engaged and had to use all of the money I was saving to pay my moms house and medical expenses; Now my fiancee is handling everything alone and not being able to help her and my mom, because I'm broke right now, is driving me crazy.
I only get crappy dev projects that put my mental health down. Don't really know what to do, I've been putting all my stress on my fiancee since last week and now she doesn't want to talk
I thought that even in this whole situation going on, I wasn't going to be so affected mentally and emotionally and honestly I don't know what to do nothing makes me feel better and start to think straight1
Something we may encounter at somepoint in our careers. I've been reading a few articles after feeling some of the effects of this yet none seem to offer helpful solutions.
Has anyone got any advice or good tip that's helped them in the past?2
Have you guys ever seen another dev at you work just completely lose it? How do you cope with stress, rage, frustration at work? (other than DevRant) Stories, please.7
personal projects, of course, but let's count the only one that could actually be considered finished and released.
which was a local social network site. i was making and running it for about three years as a replacement for a site that its original admin took down without warning because he got fed up with the community. i loved the community and missed it, so that was my motivation to learn web stack (html, css, php, mysql, js).
first version was done and up in a week, single flat php file, no oop, just ifs. was about 5k lines long and was missing 90% of features, but i got it out and by word of mouth/mail is started gathering the community back.
right as i put it up, i learned about include directive, so i started re-coding it from scratch, and "this time properly", separated into one file per page.
that took about a month, got to about 10k lines of code, with about 30% of planned functionality.
i put it up, and then i learned that php can do objects, so i started another rewrite from scratch. two or three months later, about 15k lines of code, and 60% of the intended functionality.
i put it up, and learned about ajax (which was a pretty new thing since this was 2006), so i started another rewrite, this time not completely from scratch i think.
three months later, final length about 30k lines of code, and 120% of originally intended functionality (since i got some new features ideas along the way).
put it up, was very happy with it, and since i gathered quite a lot of user-generated data already through all of that time, i started seeing patterns, and started to think about some crazy stuff like auto-tagging posts based on their content (tags like positive, negative, angry, sad, family issues, health issues, etc), rewarding users based on auto-detection whether their comments stirred more (and good) discussion, or stifled it, tracking user's mental health and life situation (scale of great to horrible, something like that) based on the analysis of the texts of their posts...
... never got around to that though, missed two months hosting payments and in that time the admin of the original site put it back up, so i just told people to move back there.
awesome experience, though. worth every second.
to this day probably the project i'm most proud of (which is sad, i suppose) - the final version had its own builtin forum section with proper topics, reply threads, wysiwyg post editor, personal diaries where people could set per-post visibility (everyone, only logged in users, only my friends), mental health questionnaires that tracked user's results in time and showed them in a cool flash charts, questionnaire editor where users could make their own tests/quizzes, article section, like/dislike voting on everything, page-global ajax chat of all users that would stay open in bottom right corner, hangouts-style, private messages, even a "pointer" system where sending special commands to the chat aimed at a specific user would cause page elements to highlight on their client, meaning if someone asked "how do i do this thing on the page?", i could send that command and the button to the subpage would get highlighted, after they clicked it and the subpage loaded, the next step in the process would get highlighted, with a custom explanation text, etc...
dammit, now i got seriously nostalgic. it was an awesome piece of work, if i may say so. and i wasn't the only one thinking that, since showing the page off landed me my first two or three programming jobs, right out of highschool. 10 minutes of smalltalk, then they asked about my knowledge, i whipped up that site and gave a short walkthrough talking a bit about how the most interesting pieces were implemented, done, hired XD
those were good times, when I still felt like the programmer whiz kid =D
as i said, worth every second, every drop of sweat, every torn hair, several times over, even though "actual net financial profit" was around minus two hundred euro paid for those two or three years of hosting.
Does anyone else feel like their brains aren't working, like they cant focus on anything and this has been going on for more than a week now?
I know there are things to do. I have gone through huge pain created github issues for those things but my brain just seems to reject the idea that it can solve those issues. Just feels like playing a game or just killing time would be best!
Needless to say I hate it.
Happens/happening with others?2
Hello, my first time here. I got to know this website/app from my PM because I need to vent it somewhere other than him according to my PM.
So, here goes my first rant. The date is today (Monday). The rant subject is our new tester. Some context on the guy. He started in our office 8 weeks ago and his title is senior tester with some years in testing. Me and my team with the exception of our PM are new hires and for me, this is my first job after graduation.
After a grueling month of pushing for new modules and bug fixes from our monthly UAT from the client (yes, this will be a future rant one day), about 2/3 of the team is on vacation paired with a long weekend. So, a very few ppl in the team including me and my PM came for today.
I usually came quite early, around 8 am as I commute with public transportation. As soon as I have my breakfast and just getting ready to open my dev laptop, he came to me with a bug. This is like under an hour I came to office. I'm ok with anything related to the project as today was deployment day to test server for our monthly UAT. So, I check the bug and it wasn't my module but the PIC is not there and I familiar with the code thus I fixing the module.
Then, not even 15 mins later, while fixing this module, he came to me with another bug. I'm still the only one who in office that can fix it thus have to do it too. Finished the both bugs, pushed and je retested it. Fortunately, my PM and another colleague came. But, for some reason, he only comes to me for the bug fixes.
The annoying thing for me is that he comes to me every time he found an obstacle, bug or glitch. At this rate, by hourly. Thus, this cycle of impromptu going around fixing-on-the-go for the project begins, for me. Then, my PM asks him abt our past issue log given by the client UAT. Another annoying part is he never checks the clients feedback to see if the result can be produced again. The time he checks it is when ppl ask abt it and test it 1 by 1. Then he came to me again with why x person marked it as done. Like hell I know why they marked it done, you the one who need to check with them. Thus, I called/messaged the PIC for x modules abt the issue and then they explain it. I have to explain it again to him abt it and then he makes the summary report for the feedback. This goes until lunch.
I thought the bug fixes is over and I can deploy it after lunch. I thought wrong and I kinda regret coming back early from lunch which I thought I can rest for a while with the debacle over morning. Nope, straight he comes to me after I sit down for 10 mins and until almost work hour is done, he came to me with small bugs and issues like previously, hourly. By then I think I crushed like ~10 bugs/issues and I'm knackered. I complained to the PM many times and the PM also said to him many times but he still does it again and again. Even the PM also ranted to me abt his behavior. The attitude of not compiling an issue log for the day and not testing the system to verify what the client feedbacks are valid or not is grinding my gears more and more. Not hating the guy even though his personality is quite unique but this is totally grinding ppl's gears atm. As of now, it's midnight and I finally deployed the system to the testing server. This totally drains my mental health and it's just Monday. May god have mercy on me.
Owh, the other colleague that come today? He was doing pretty much the same thing but he was resolving a major issue which is why the tester came to me.2
Woke wave rolls over the world. Pronouns are invented left and right. Why aren't they concerned with out well-being, our mental health, us poor fools maintaining i18n files?7
First, I need you guys to read this article:
Just from reading the company’s write up, they are shit. They put all the weight on the guy's shoulders. So much so that he had to put in 12x7 weeks for 2 years... One day they tell him that they are gonna scrap his work; when he exploded - and rightfully so - they fired him and built an inferior product. Of course, they praised themselves for productivity being much higher than when he was there.
At the end of the day, they were shit because they never cared about his mental health. They just pilled more and more on him, because he was the rock star. He eventually broke psychologically. They don't care about all the personal sacrifices he had to make to give them those 12X7 weeks.
Worst of all, they spun it as him being the asshole - which will make it harder for him to get another job - when it was their shit management that broke him psychologically.... sigh
They all depended on him, he knew that too. The pressure to not fail was too much.
Bad management can seriously destroy a person8
The funniest take from the 'don't quit a bad job' take is that of 'mental health'
Have you asked someone who has no job and financially stressed what toll it takes on their mental health?
I can bet which scenario causes more anguish.11
So it’s promotion season in my org and once again I got passed up. Manager says “you’re right there just a little bit longer” but he’s been saying that for the better part of a year. I’ve consistently done the job not in my job description but the job of the position above me. Some of my senior engineers and staff engineers have told me personally that they are shocked that I haven’t been promoted yet. And I know I should be patient but hearing other people (albeit in different teams) get recognized when you work just as hard if not harder than they do, and you go to conferences and you volunteer to be on call and you lead meetings and when you’re one of the technical anchors of the team… I don’t know. I shouldn’t take it personally I get it but it’s a huge blow to my confidence and my mental health. I work hard and when I see news like this I work harder and get burned out and when I still see news like this it makes me work even harder and get even more burnt out until I reach a mental breaking point. Makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough.
So, since the day I had a breakup, today was the first day I actually sat down in the office late, long after everyone was gone. And finished a Story assigned to me in 2 hours.
I spent months going to office physically, not able to give 100%. Usually I would go late but leave early. Come home and do nothing. My efficiency tanked. Even smallest and easiest tasks would take me 2 days. I was wasting time. I couldn't do anything about it.
Today, after the git push I made at 9PM, I felt a little better about myself.
I still struggle mentally. I don't know why I'm like this. I feel like a loser at times. I used to be so good couple of years ago. But these days I barely feel good about myself.11
die(eval("printf('Is PHP bad for your mental health and should you choose something simpler? %s',2000 == '2e3bf55c7e4dd7ef7bc5b1bf05fcf786' ? 'true' : 'false');"));2
I have a problem. I can't do anything.
I can't really get started with the new path of software development. I have lots of stuff (like *tidying the room* or *exercise* or something good for my life) do but in the end all the things I have to do are tangled up. So learning usually gets in the pile of tangled up shit.
I try to use organisational tools. But my focus is zero.
Mental health issues don't help.
I think I would put at good use a few coding buddies, mentors, whatever... Self paced courses dont work for me. Bonus point of notgettingshitdone if online course.
I have low self esteem and I'm not trying to hide it.
I hate myself to the fucking core.7
The crazy shenanigans you can do with C++ standard libs are fascinating.
Like implementig multithreading with just a foreach, and bindings which can make member function pointers to simple function pointers, and placeholders in bindings. Also lambda functions are cool.
Something between the lines:
my_crazy_class *tmp = new my_crazy_class(...);
std::vector<type> my_array = .....;
auto fn = std::bind( &my_crazy_class::my_crazy_fnc,*tmp,_1,random_static_value);
It's pretty much pseudocode, and please don't do things like this, it's bad for your mental health.
I need to learn how to use this tools wisely.
Bought two hp z230 and one hp z210 to setup as a kubernetes cluster at home.
The first two worked as expected to install Ubuntu 18.04 but the z210 just fails installation just at the end of.
I've updated the bios, I've tried different hard drive, (obvious I've turned off secure boot), I've downgraded the bios, I've cursed, spoken harch language at it and sprinkled it with holy water, still it fails.
A Google search the problem, one hit similar to my problem but it did not help me.
Currently I'm on my 5:the glass of wine, if not solved tomorrow I'm hiding it at work until the next "downsizing" and it will have an accedent from the 9:the floor.
I've spent 150$ on it but I have the economy to nurture my mental health... Not all the time but this time it feels worth it!!!3
There needs to be a new (MOOC) class for people like me.
Hi, I'm William. I can't get my head around designing systems. I've read GoF and a few breakdowns of it as well. I find some patterns obvious for my field of interest (game dev, woot!) while I'm reading through the stuff, but have a pretty hard time retaining much of it. I'm aware of the danger of over using patterns, so I don't worry that much about it. I'll look something up when I'm sure I need it.
Still, I'm tired of the tutorial blues. I can watch a few different people write entire games, usually not in the language of choice, but that only helps me so much.
How do I fight scope creep? In the meantime, how can I make things extensible? Scope does need to creep some, after all.
People joke about starting with (visual) BASIC ruining you forever. I don't believe in that crap, but is this just denial? Am I too dumb for this? Not that I'd ever seriously blame a language for that.
I've been a hobbyist for well over 10 years, please don't make me count exactly how long I've been unsuccessful.
I'm baffled by Löve. I think it's the coolest shit I've seen, maybe ever (unless we're counting IPFS).
I think what really prompted this rant, apart from the obvious degradation of my mental health, was my search for an entity component system for Löve/Lua. Hold your replies. I know there's a few of them, and I'm positive that they're fantastic. I'd roll my own, but that requires actual Lua specific knowledge that I just haven't dug all that deep into yet. I can't wrap my head around the ones that exist, even though I can tell their complexity is next to none really.
I have severe tool anxiety, I'm shocked that I've stuck with ZeroBrane Studio as long as I have. It feels good though.
Sorry to use this as "Devs Anonymous", but I think that's how this community helps (me) best.
I feel like I should stop now and just say: Advice? before this gets much deeper/less readable.
1) Physically not tiring profession for the lazy and comfy seeking cursee.
(I didn't appreciate the importance of mental health when I was young)
2) Creating function and process; I like to give solutions.
(Design is also creating solutions but I am not good at any art related stuff)
3) That Zen feeling when you got in the zone.
How is the youth?
Pretty good question we don´t really like to communicate to older people well actually most of us have a mental issue, I know it´s kind of sad but when life gives you lemons you use them to make girls cry and that our way of thinking “I´m gonna die anyways lrts do something epic” cuz we aren't afraid to talt to the president of the united states of America like this but we are to scared to order mcdonalts of our self. I mean it´s a aspect that everyone knows we don´t know that person could be a murder of maybe that´s a little to over the top but like we just don´t like it OK.
You may ask what dose she mean with mental health issues?
Well we all know the good old depression its just that we life in a world in that you have to be perfect and when you are´t than you are a disappointment your parents want you to be a doctor or lawyer or something like that because it´s a well payed job but your generation wants to be creative we need our space to crate need things and do something amazing but this world is just a weird place were everyone has to be perfect and follow a ideal. Your appearance dosen´t describes how you are not everyone that has tattoos is a criminal or dose drugs nobody talks about the real problems.
What are the real problems?
Let me tell you we life in a world were nobody talks abou suicide nobody want´s to hear about it let me tell a fact.
Every 40 seconds somebody dies because of suicide.
Suicide is like a terror act when you were close to that person you got completely destroyed if you were far away than you got hurt but not as bad as the persons who were close. But nobody talks about this because it´s not “normal” that makes the persons who need help not reach out because they think its´s not okay.Stop the silence and help :)
But how dose it feel to have depression?
Well you can describe it as this:
it´s as you would lock yourself in a room with just a window but that window dose not have a handle but a curtain that closes every day a little more until there is no light anymore and the first days after that happens you will be scared and lonely and it will hunt you down but depressed people have to life like this every day and it becomes a normal state of mind until they decide they aren´t worth living anymore and they try to kill themselves. It hurts to see all those people die but it is the truth and truth is´t always fun.
Why am I writing this?
Honestly im asking myself that but it just feels right to tell wahts in my mind because a lot of people feel like they are tongue tied and can´t say what they are thinking and feeling and don´t express themselves. And also in my head is a lot wrong but at least I feel like I am doing something while writing this. I am one of the generation Z and I am proud that our generation has all this strength to fight for LGBT+ community and the black life's and I am proud that we understood that all this community's have to be respected because all people are on this earth and we all have to survive somehow and it dose not matter what skin color you have or sexual orientation.
But these are just my thoughts I hope everyone is doing well druing these times.
And to everyone I am proud of you and I love you.5
Sharing WSDL documents with the outsourced team multiple times through the course of a project leading me to Google mental health services in their location.
After a year of this I'd willing to try electro shock therapy if it gave them peace from what I can only imagine is a confused nightmare of forgetfulness.
How does one find a remote job as a junior dev? Dealing with some mental issues that keeps me away from a normal physical workplace at the moment but really need to start earn some cash.. I dont need a massive salary, just enough to afford rent and food would be lovely.2
ive had enough of life
ive been through a lot
if the project i am working on right now does not work out as planned
i am going to jump off a bridge near where i live
don't care what other people will think and how they will feel. no one will be harmed but myself. it is all my fault and i will take the whole blame.
because of college i fucked up my first of all mental health. then my physical health. now i am turning into alcoholic. it is also making me aggressive. i lost all my nerves from stress. i am losing all my patience. it is killing all the high threshold of discipline that i had. i dont like where this is going.
but that is fine. at least i know what i am not born for in this life.
if the only thing left that i like to do does not work out, there is no reason to stay alive.
let 2019 decide the future.14
Have any devs done bar work before..?
I've always enjoyed doing things outside of work, and I work 3-4 days a week in my main job to create time for this. It's great for my mental health, and means I can optimise the main job for pay/good benefits and fulfil my "other needs" (stimulation/challenge/enjoyment) in other places.
The main things for me are dev contracting on the side or acting/singing, to a lesser extent travel, a bit of activism and law study. Just because 🤷♂️
Especially re: my last rant with *that* email from HR on Friday, I'm tempted to be a bit more strict about only doing three days and picking up something else.
Although I know the pay is awful, I really want to try bar work on the side just to do something different.
Has anyone else done bar work before?9
I am doing an API for our training center to store the workouts of the athletes in relationship with the mental & physical load, as well as sleep and health.
How do you document your APIs?
BTW I am using laravel.1
Too many “helpful” people, as well as counselors, said the wrong things to me early on. These people https://loveawake.com/free-online-d... really do not understand the harm they heap upon the injured. I am convinced that our second marriage counselor was a cheater himself. He talked A LOT about himself, bragged about his education (narcissist), mentioned his stepkids often, and drove something that screamed midlife crisis (same as my cheating husband).
<p><img src="https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2016/..." width="880"></p>
Yeah, pretty sure he was a cheater living in a second marriage. Only saw that counselor twice, but I got the feeling his main purpose was to defend the guilty (when he wasn’t talking about himself). Kept saying we needed to make sure our children did not look at the cheating husband in a bad light. Huh? Had he not listened to anything we said? I had already told him of how I suffered from the Gaslighting (even though I didn’t know that term at the time).
My husband had convinced me, our children, extended family, and his coworkers that I was insane. I had been spinning in a state of confusion for the last six months of the affair, knowing he had to be cheating, but being made to question my sanity. Our two adult sons came to me repeatedly during the affair to scold me for my behavior during our 24 year marriage. I would just cry and didn’t know what to say to them. He never gaslighted our younger daughter directly, but he did lure her away from me, with movie dates, trips to concerts and theme parks. If I pressed to go, he would tell me things like, you don’t enjoy those things, or we can’t afford a third ticket, but you can take her instead of me if you like. Of course, I always backed down. He knew I would. Wow, he makes well into six figures, and I bought that?! Maybe I WAS crazy. It was as though he was playing single dad while still living with and sleeping with his wife. My daughter and I had always been close before this. And he would conduct horrible screaming fights right in front of her. I would stand there confused, because it felt like the heat level did not match the situation.
I had known this man most of my life, and I did not recognize him. To this day, I am angry with myself for withdrawing and not taking action sooner. I know that my relationship with my children will never, ever be the same. This selfish man destroyed the innocents, destroyed what had been a close-knit family. So yeah, that is what our cheating-man counselor should have been talking about. In our situation, the betrayed spouse needed reputation repair, not the cheater. The kids needed to see that I did not cause their father to stray. And I needed serious mental health counseling. I am still furious at that counselor. Waste of money. He owes us a $200 refund!