This isn't even the final form

Been made redundant today.

Get some tissues cause imma spill my tea across your keyboards.

It was my first job. I was a UX designer.(I guess I have to use past tense?) I was there for 6 months. It was enjoyable and rewarding,slightly stressful because I worked for two companies under an umbrella company and was split 50-50.
I was told to come to work and I went and I saw one of my bosses in the room aswell ( I have two bosses btw - 2 companies)
The head of IT comes in and tells us we both have been made redundant as our company is not doing well ( its a travel company)...
I was shocked and I cried. I felt sorry for my boss he was there for ten yrs. And he has kids. I was told I could go home but I went to bathroom and cried. I came out and I didn't know if I was supposed to finish the day ( I had 3 meetings) or go home.... So I went to the meeting like a dumb dumb.
Most awk meeting because the other company didn't even know I was made redundant. The meeting was about how even though its a difficult time for us we r United and we aren't firing u guys just take unpaid holidays etc. Btw IT head was in that meeting was shocked to see me there ... I don't even know why I went. Anyways I found out they got rid of 174 employees across the umbrella company. I had to awkwardly tell my other boss I've been made redundant. He was shocked... I don't even know what to do. How to do. Sigh. I asked him if we wanted me to finish work off he's like do whatever u want to do.... I mean whattt.

Also does anyone know what a redudancy consultantion meeting is? It's my first job I have no idea what happens. Anyone here made redundant? How did u cope with it? Do u think I'm gonna get another job in this pandemic? Sorry I'm just a bit lost

Im not sure if I can put a awk love thing here but it happened at work and this is a rant so here we go:

I told my coworker that I like someone at work and they promised they wouldn't tell a soul. I was trying to work in the kitchen today and this ass ( sorry for swearing but I'm mad) says really loudly OH WHO DO U LIKE HUH IS IT FROM BLAH BLAH COMPANY HUH?
The crush was there and so were his bffs. And they heard.. u could hear this from the north pole all the way to the south pole.. Uranus, mars, IT GOES ON...... I felt so embrassed and had an anxiety attack. And maybe im dramatic but I didn't know how to deal with this situation and I'm a shy person so I was so angry my coworker betrayed my trust and told people and like now people r teasing me. I can't even look at my crush .... I was friends with my crushes bff ... I was too embrassed to say anything.... Sigh
My crush has a partner. It's not right to act IN A PROFESSIONAL ENVIRONMENT PEOPLE.
what do I even do omg. How do I even GO ON FROM HERE.
I NEED A NEW JOB A NEW IDENTITY A NEW LIFE

My designs look nothing like what developers have made... I have gone through each padding and margin with them :(
I feel like a failure cause it looks terrible

Developers insist that I give them a sketch file instead of a zeplin doc I'm like ok fine. Then I am told in like three weeks of development that they don't understand the sketch file when they insisted on it. So I'm like ok fine let me put it on zeplin. Then I'm told to compare their work with my designs. And ofcourse it doesn't match. So i sit and literally go through each margin , each padding with them. Then I'm told that they r over riding exsisting styles and say that's alot of development so I say ok I need to ask the product owner if it's gonna take more time. They get mad at me and say why I need to ask this? Like u told me it's gonna take you longer and I need to tell my boss? Then my boss says confirm all the styles with marketing ( everyone btw has seen my designs, reviewed them, and I have confirmed literally every change) and now I've been told to change a button to red ( why r your cta's and errors the same color I have no idea ??!) And then I tell the developers and they make a huge deal about changing the button from blue to red. NO ONE HERE HAS A STRUCTURE TO PRESENT HAND OFF TO THE DELVEOPERS. ITS SO ANNOYING.

Also can I just say in my presentation time and I had spent time on my designs and someone says oh let me show everyone through my screen.

I literally got a word out before all the delveopers in the room start arguing and skipping my design slides like R FO REAL? LET ME GO THROUGH THE JOURNEY ITS MY JOB.
LET ME HAVE CONTROL ON MY DESIGNS
UAIQBA.EAUKWHWUAGWNKRVIEVJWFEJCSJCSJCAHCSHXWH

sorry. I am typing this sitting on a sofa eating cake when I'm supposed to be on a diet but I'm wallowing and crying

Omg no I don't want to put that button there just because you are saying it Jim. I

I'm so fustrated when everyone thinks they can add stuff to designs BRO I MAPPED OUT A CUSTOMER JOURNEY INFRONT OF YOUR BRO R U BLIND?! I HAVE TO MAKE ANOTHER PAGE TO THE STUPID BUTTON

ALSO CAN YOU NOT BARK ORDERS AT ME MY INNER DARTH VADER IS NOT HAPPY.

Isn't it weird that the name James is not Jame but James? Because I would assume James would be the plural of Jame because what if there are two people with the name James in the room... Would we say
"There are two Jameses/James's/ jamessis"...
Also if it's James's wouldnt that be for nouns etc like James's bag....
Sorry this has been bothering me for two days.
I asked this in office and people thought I had lost the plot so I AM AWARE IM CRAZY.

Someone was made redundant because of me.
Or so I think?
So two designers - (senior and junior) work in our company and I'm a UX designer but I don't really interact with them ( I'll get into that) and so the junior designer just told me our senior designer was just made redundant. Apparently when I was hired they weren't even told I was being hired and he became redundant.
I feel so guilty and so awkward.

Also the reason I don't interact with them cause when I was hired i was told I won't be working with them I will be working with other seniors... They feel very left out of the process and I feel for them.
I was explaining my frustrations about design and how certain things suck to the junior designer and my boss I think overheard and it's been a bit awk..
I don't know how to make everyone happy... I want to help the designers and my boss .... But I dunno when I try to fix the designs I don't want to hurt anyone... Sigh

Had the most awkward day where I had to usability test with random people around the office and I took so much time and it was so awkward asking people to test your designs cause I suck at approaching people.
Why am I a UX engineer and when is confidence gonna grace its presence cause I was a stuttering mess :(

Please don't Google "member" when your looking for membership icons on a free SVG icon website in a very public office.

Spot what's wrong

When you have to awk tell your boss that having that tenth icon in the header menu is not really UX friendly I feel like I punched a puppy cause his face fell and a small part of him died...

Any UX designers/engineers here? :(
What's the thing that annoys you about UX designers? Or designers in general? Just this is my first job so I don't wanna annoy any developer...
Sorry this is so random.. Anyways have a lovely Sunday evening..