Boss: we need a html clone of our WordPress website, how many days do you need to recode?

Me: Sure, I need a week

Boss: ok

wget --mirror --convert-links --adjust-extension --page-requisites --no-parent URL

Conversation with my Boss

B: Are u a hacker?
M: No
B: We need a hacker?
M: Why?
B: Because X department wants to do a hackathon.

When your boss wants it done now but you're on vacation

Showed my boss DevRant, and now he wants me to make a BossRant..

Boss: we need to make a website.
Dev: we fired the web dev
Boss: you do it then
Dev: I am a mobile dev
Boss: dont care you are a developer

Tbh he isnt wrong but i just hate web development.

I sent a professional letter to my boss telling him that i will leave after 15 days. He replied saying :
" stop that bullshit "

Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.

Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
Coworker: 😏😏😏
Me: 😏😏😏
Coworker: 😏😉
Me: 😏😆
Boss: 😐

*three of us laughing*

😆

me: im tired of coding here

boss: then go home and code there

me: GREAT SEE U TOMORROW

boss: okay, tomorrow bring a pillow, slippers and food so you'll feel more comfy coding!

When you finally get the team running on git and your boss gives you a bitbucket to commemorate

* The app is almost ready, boss asked me to show the progress.

Boss: The design is bad, I don't like it 🤔
Me: I just implemented the design, which is approved
Boss: Really? because I "feel" that the design is bad on the screen.
Me: Okay 😐, can you tell me what exactly the part to change?
Boss: I don't know, *calls the designer
Designer: *showing his PSDs* yes it is the same, and you [the boss] approved it.
Boss: Ok make some changes to make it feel better.
Me: (Inside: 😡 ) ok, have you some suggestions?
Boss: dunno,
Me: at least tell me what is wrong with it
Boss: dunno
Me:🤢

Me: intern in XYZ company
Boss: boss of XYZ

Boss: Why are you taking so much time in developing a simple webpage.
Me: *explains because you asked for so much bullshit to include**
Boss: I can develop it in half an hour.
Me: *-_-*
Boss: I developed a website in PowerPoint when I was intern.
Me: In PowerPoint? How?... Really..?
Boss: Ya, that's the type of skills I have. You're so lazy, you take so much time to make a simple webpage.
Me: -_-

boss: we must talk about your commit comments
me: sure, what happened?
boss: "die bastard, die" is not an appropriate commit comment.

Boss: The site is slow, just redo the site in HTML5. HTML5 is fast.

I hate when my boss is behind me while I'm working...

When your Boss is a programmer & humorous at the same time... :/

She: I like people who takes risks.
He : I develop in a prod server.
She: My place or you place? 😉

My old boss thought FYI meant ... "Fuck you idiot"

Boss - gives tasks to me. Timeline: 10 days.

Me - work hard and finish the solution in 3 days.

Boss- wtf is this. Do it properly.

Me - chills for 15 days. Submit the same earlier solution after that.

Boss - yes this looks nice now! Much better than your earlier work!

Me - dude seriously what kind of stuff do you smoke before coming to work?

Credits:Unknown

My last internship. When acquiring a new project and having to give an estimate the boss/sales guy always went to the programming team first to ask them what the estimate was and then communicated that back to the client(s).

Asked him why he does that because many companies don't:

Well, the programmers are going to write the software so why the hell would *I* be the one who gives the fucking estimates?

Yes that was a good boss.

Boss: "Here's our new intern! He's a bloody genius doing apps! Perfect for that important project that shouldn't be trusted to an intern!!"

*takes intern 9 weeks to do a login view without any real backend*

Turns out the guy couldn't do shit but steal others code and change background color.

Boss: "He wasn't very good..."
Me: "You interview him. How about you bring a developer to the interview next time..."
Boss: "Doesn't matter. The app needs to be done the day after tomorrow, good luck"
Me: "............"

*puts on coffee, cries, programs the app in miserable silence*

Boss be like:
Me: Hello Boss I will be unable to come to work tomorrow,due to heavy rains.I am literally living on an island now.
Boss: In your job application you mentioned swimming as your hobby.
See you at work @7am....

My boss baught me a new setup because he crashed into my car. I think i can accept this apology^^

When see your boss on side of the street

My boss thinks once the UI is made , the backend and integration shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.

I want to kick him on the dark side of his moon

Boss: "If I double-click this button, the modal it opens flicker once for 0.00001 seconds?!?!?!?"

Me: "Ya... It opens two modals. It doesn't break anything, it looks normal except the flickering"

Boss: "It's no good!"

Me: "I've got a solution; don't fucking double click. It's a fucking website."

Boss: "IT'S NOT A WEBSITE. IT'S A SYSTEM"

Me: "It's a fucking website" *Exits room, trying not to strangle the boss".

My boss said something genius today: "understanding client's wishes is like writing a regexp for everything they say"😂

My first boss. He sat next to me yelling “Think before you code“, “Hands away from the keyboard“ and stuff like that at me while doing my first few codings ever. He even made me cry from the pressure. Afterwards he bought me a muffin and told me he wants me to be a better programmer than he ever was

Former Boss: "We need a messaging framework!"
Me: "What do we need a messaging framework for?"
Former Boss: "To send out messages to the App and by Email!"
Me: "We already have everything in place for that."
Former Boss: "But it must be _one_ generic solution, not _two_ solutions."
Me: "Both content and form are totally different for those messages. They have nothing in common besides being 'messages'."
Former Boss: "But it's better to have a messaging framework!"

We had that discussion in every fucking weekly team meeting. So I decided to put a concept together that was so overdesigned, generic and complicated, so my boss wasn't able to understand it at all, and of course didn't read it entirely.

He never mentioned the term "messaging framework" again.

boss: Hey! this is your task A. It needs to be done by today.
me: Ok boss
....after sometime when I am halfway through the task....
boss: Hey! here is a task B which needs highest priority.
me: but i am already doing A and I am halfway
boss: No, B is on priority
me: ok
...at the end of the day...
boss: So I hope you have completed task A as I mentioned that was to be done by EOD.
me: ****instant rage****

When boss tries to look smart and gives you advice about the project you wrote:

Boss: please refactor this js 2k lines spaghetti code class and use it in our reactive functional app

Me: it will take like 1 week to refactor and plug this

Boss: but it's almost the time I needed to write it!

YOU DON'T SAY? MAYBE FIRST LEARN HOW TO WRITE DECENT CODE. ffs.

Boss: "I need you to program tool-1, tool-2 and tool-3"
Me: *creates tool-1*
Boss: "Why did you make tool-1? I needed tool-3 done by now"

Maybe you should have told me that 🙃

*watching funny clip*
*boss comes at you*

Boss: hey man, we need to...
You: just look at this thing, it's hilarious!

*watching clip together*

#!rant

Boss sent me an email at midnight, and I was working voluntary O/T, so I responded. This morning, he brought me this...

Boss: we are going to build a blockchain. ( he is smiling proudly)
Me: we are doing data visualization boss!!! Why we need the blockchain?!?!?
Boss: I am disappointed in you!!! You don’t read any Tech news or follow the market trends? BlockChain is tending nowadays... ( showing angry emoji using his face)
Me: it is not related to our work by anything!!! What we will visualize? A success of the transition? The amount of it? A visualization of the nodes?
Boss: (shouting) there are a lot of opportunities using the BlockChain in our days, and it is critical to our business...
Me: boss, there many opportunities using the ******* BlockChain, and I am leaving this company by the end of the month... find a ******* BlockChain developer to visualize the ******* process...
Boss: ........ (silence)
Me: .... (already resigned)

My boss: "Do you ever like, not be on the computer?"

Me: " it's my job"

Boss: "oh shit you right. My bad"

Boss: Hello everyone, we are here to learn about X
Everyone: Cool, nice, good ...
Boss: You ...
Me: Me?
Boss: Yes you, teach us all about X.
Me: (wtf?)
...

Boss: Nice job with that bug, when the erp freezes magically start working after few seconds

try{
//Something
}catch(Exception $e){
system('sudo reboot');
}

I'm building a website for a new company and the boss doesn't understand technology at all. says he doesn't want me using any html because it is old and I have to use python because it's a 'hot language.' I try to explain that html is for websites and he replies 'not mine.'

Diary of an intern story #101
Boss went to china for business purposes.
Me(just out of cheekiness) : what are you going to bring for us boss 😜?
Boss : for you, more tasks 😎😂

Why god why ;_;

Me: "sorry boss I have a burnout, I don't feel to..."
Boss: "which part of the project you can't do?"
Me: "is a burnout, I can't go..."
Boss: "cmon it's easy!"
Me: "..."
8 months without proper holidays produce this.

My former boss kept insisting "we need deeper fonts!"

Me: do you mean darker?
Boss: no, deeper!
Me: do you want me to make it bold?
Boss: no, deeper!!

Since every piece of software is developed by us, I sincerely request everyone to keep dark themes as the default theme.
Thanks.

That awkward/awesome moment when you are looking at dank memes at work and your boss is standing behind you and laughs :')

New boss rant here!

Boss: Can you give me an estimate for a new project that we willbe running?
Dev: Oh yes I have already calculated at approximately three months.
Boss: Thats great start on it!

3 months laters....

Boss: Why did it take so much? I feel like our productivity sucks.

Dev:...

When I show the boss that I have finally
fixed this bug.

Boss: Every one of my employees is underperforming. What should I do?
Catbert: You should fire yourself because you're the only common variable.
Boss: I hadn't considered that.
Catbert: That's how I know I'm right.

...credit~ dilbert.com

I hope my boss dies tonight. I will fuck his wife and fill his grave with soil myself.

Non-dev boss: "so, what are you working on today?"
Me: "I'm working on the API"
Non-dev boss: "that's what you said last week! Why aren't you progressing?"
💢

* Boss gives you a shitty work that doesn't follow standards

* you tell him that this is wrong, and there will be consequences on time and performance on the future.

*he insists

*you do the work like he says

*after a while he asks for modifications

*takes too long because of structure problems, and non compatibility

*you get blamed

*you hate your job, your boss and your life.

- John says that your sql is not working fine, but his does, so use his sql.
- but boss, MySQL ...
- I said use his sql

:-/

My summer internship adventures

Cunt Boss: you will receive salary and a bonus at the end of the project
Me: *works for 3 months*
Cunt Boss: *sends 60 fucking euros to my bank account*
Me: is that just the bonus?
Cunt Boss: oh I'm sorry, we have some financial troubles here and that's all I can give you

Thanks! Now I can buy you a dildo so you can go fuck yourself

Having a non technical boss is such a pain. He thinks all the features should be a piece of cake. There should be a course in business departments where people will be taught how programming works.

My boss last week backed me up with a client. I was working in a production enviorment and the client refused to test the changes made when I told them. So we things started to go wrong and they called to my boss complaning.

He said:
Well you are right. The things are broken but he (me) stayed last night waiting for your response and you didn't gave one. So he is going to work only in the afternoon and you will have to wait.

I must buy a beer for my boss.

!rant
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge

Sex talk between programmers.

She: I'm a virgin.
He: Don't worry. They call me the virginslayer007.
She: Oh! So how many virgins have you slayed till now?
He: That would be ONE in a few minutes.
She: So u r also a virgin then..
He: Don't worry. I watched so many video tutorials. We just have to do exactly as they did. Best thing is that it can be done both for testing and production purposes.
She: Let's stick to testing purposes for now.

My boss (non IT background) : Our contract with X company says the website must be web 2.0 compliant.

Me : What year is it!!

Check this out.
Brazil is coming to a halt right now because of a distribution blockage by the truck drivers.

Gasoline tripled the litter price from yesterday.

Gas stations are going empty.

Air-fucking-ports are out of diesel/gas.

Public transportation might stop tomorrow.

And my boss "will consider" home office, wtf dude, are you retarded?

Why the fuck does a game need access to my contacts?

My shitty boss is guilty of this.....

My boss join devRant, what should i do?

Few days ago, my boss join devRant. And last night, my girlfriend join devRant too.

*Their watching. Beware!!!

M - "Hey... 👀 where's the boss?"
P - "He's gone to get lunch 🍱"
M - "😮 WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEPLOYMENT!"

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

I hate YouTube recommendations. They just show you the same videos again and again after some time.

So boss finds out that a competitors app has a youtube vid making half a million views.

His response to the lead dev: make one video like that!

Lead: But that video needs at least a video editor to make it, a professional and at least a couple thousands euros.

Boss: you are my best dev just do it, I believe in you...

Worst part is that he tried he made a couple hundred views and boss dissed him that he is useless. Go figure!

Just appreciating my boss for creating an Udemy account and buying courses for us.

Boss: "Can we create apps that are supercool, superfast, supercustomizable and superhitech?"
Me: "If you want apps like these I have to use this tool, this language and this other stuff. Just keep in mind that are new technologies for me and I need to study a lot before develop everything"
Boss: "Ok! can you do it for tomorrow?"
Me: "...."

My (soon to become ex -) boss thinks "Every problem has an one-liner Javascript solution, that he doesn't have time to write."

Who the fuck told my coworkers I'm their boss when our boss is on vacation?

Wtf, I don't wanna be anyone's boss, no one should want me as such...
I would certainly micromanage the shit out of everyone and make their lives a living hell.

It's great to hear the boss telling someone that your code "saves time" and "makes things easier to do".

Write good code people. It pays.

My boss gave me a project without any meaningful requirements and asked:
boss: can you finish this in 9 months?
me: well I really can't give you any estimate.
boss: well just do it.
8 months later I summarize all weekly requirements that the client has given and estimated I should be able to finish the project with just 3 months, if only the requirements are ready and not changing from time to time. What a f***ing waste of my time? Why the f*** people do this? And after all this my boss said:
boss: I think we should be able to finish this project faster.
YOU THINK!

OMFG BOSS STOP CHANGING MY INTERFACES INTO CLASSES WITH REDUNDANT CODE AND IF ELSES BECAUSE "IT DIDNT DO ANYTHING" OMFG WE ALREADY WENT OVER IT YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

When your boss shouts "good job" so loud that your whole team bitches about you

75% of the dev team resigns (incl. myself) Boss proclaims: -"Business as usual!"

Keep a tab on people who use spaces for indentation.

Once I watched a 30min YouTube video on functional programming just because the presenter was cute. 😘
Anyone ever did this ???

And btw the video is Functional programming by Anjana vakil.

Debugging like a boss 😎

?notFullScreen=false

My boss we don't pay you to code (yeah unfortunatly don't have a dev jobs)
My boss two day later : Hey we heard you love dev can you make an app for us

that moment when you have a stupid boss and you can't hide your WTF face!

Boss : Need very very little change on our project
Dev : Ok, what is the change?
Boss : This, this, this, this and just this one.
Dev : Really very very little.

my boss have a weird habit of asking plan to us...this happened today

boss: What's the team plan today?
me: Not getting frustrated..
other devs: <claps>

The face of confusion my boss made when I suggested the development of a simple "api" (one end point) to solve a particular issue we faced after improving our infrastructure made me realize I need to abandon this ship...

He really can't wrap his head around calling a URL and doing something on a server although that's what we do every fucking day...

Our CEO/Boss thought up a new idea for an App

Boss: I got a new idea, i dont know what it is, but its very easy. How long you can do it?

Us: •.•

Boss: "How much time do you get this bug fixed?"
Me: "Give me 20 minutes"
*4 hours later*
Me: "fixed is in the repository"
Boss: "You're getting to much time to do your assignments"
Me: *Damn it*

I suck doing estimates 😥

My boss knows only one design pattern -
Singleton!

today morning my boss talking to the designer.

Boss: hey, when we can see the design finished for the web site asked by the client X?

Designer: hmm, about a day and a half, there are many pages and details.

Boss: heheheh, it's impossible, we need it today at the end of the day.

Me insid: wth, then why you ask him about the time like he have a choice..

Finally YouTube implemented something from the porn websites. I'm talking about quick video review on thumbnails.

Boss bought Mario Kart RC toys for us to play with at the office.
Man, I love my boss.

Hi guys, this is my first rant so bear with me..

Stupid Indian fucking institutes doesn't give a shit about the things we learn in the institute. This curriculum is like from the 90's. I learnt NodeJS recently and I thought wow a new concept, not even my professor knows about it. I must be on top of the world or at least any way near it and then I see these video tutorials on the internet which are posted 2 years ago. OH MY GOD!! The thing is that my department's HOD doesn't know about that and the funny thing is that I'm doing a project under him "SECURITY OF WEB APPLICATIONS" and the only thing he knows is PHP. And FYI I'm not studying in an institute which is oblivious to the outside world. It's called an NIT, an institute of national fucking importance. At the end, I blame myself though. I should have been on myself not being completely dependent on the professors for knowledge.
I could fill the entire text area with the rant.
But then people will start ranting about the rant.
I will be posting more Indian-devRant soon so.. peace till then.

( I bet they don't know about Git/Github too)

After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.

...
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."

He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.

Me: "what did I do wrong?"

Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."

Me: "can I expl..."

Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."

Me: "I have..."

Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"

Me: "ok"

Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"

Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."

Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)

Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."

Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."

Me: "But you have spoken"

Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"

That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.

Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"

No joke, my boss told me to change the name of my Python script

Boss calls: "Can you give me more bandwith?"
Me: "I can, but the other coworkers will have issues"
Boss: "Doesn't matter, and please, lift up the proxy too"
Me: "I am sorry, but I can't, that could compromise our security"
Boss: "I am giving you an order..."
Me: "Ok then..."
Me: *proceeds to give boss more bandwith and lifts up proxy (all is lost now)*

I go to see what is the boss doing with the bandwith...he was downloading League of Legends in his personal notebook...

TL;DR: Boss asks to put company at risk for the sake of a game...

Someone needs to turn verbose mode off on my boss.

Boss: how long would it take you to make an app with this tool you have never seen before?
Me: idk, I've never used that.
Boss: OK so how long?
Me:.. Uh.. 3 weeks?
Boss: you got 2 weeks. Start tomorrow.
Me:... OK then..
Inner me: why does he even ask?
...Fml

I hate to work with my boss working at the desk next to mine.

manager: we had great feedback last week, real users were testing our app! However, we have noticed a lot of issues regards database performance and data replication...

me: oh, that's great news!! How many users? Like hundreds?

manager: no, 6 users so far

boss: would like you to be the boss, you know... have my job?
me: well, yes ...
boss: I know it, my job is the best, now go back to your desk

:-/

So my HP laptop got a weird problem lately.

It doesn't charge when I plug in the charger(yes, i turned on the switch). So I began searching forums for a solution and then found out that there are so many people like me out there.
Then I was like ok, chill. There are many people like me, there must be a solution somewhere.

And after doing lots of research and trying all the solutions in the internet, the only thing that worked out is this ....

Step1 : turn on and the laptop and plug in the charger.
Step 2: Turn off the laptop.
Step 3: Now turn it back on and poof there you go, the laptop's charging.

And then I improvised the solution myself, which is u can replace the switch off part with Sleep which saved me some time.

And then whenever I try to show something my friends somethjng on my lap and the battery gets low, I do the ritual. For a brief moment their face becomes like dude I'm gonna kill you off, why the hell did u bring me here and now u r turning that off. And then I explain the history of my laptop.

Why HP whyyy ?

me: boss, the new ssl certificate is ready and working fine in the website.

boss: cool, let me see it ... is wrong, this button must be wide and the color is ugly, do it again and tell me when is the button is fine

me: but, the ssl ...

Just shouted to my boss: "You have a degree in CopyPaste issued by the University of Clipboard"

:joy:

He's trying to edit some HTML tables and got lost... he also has this notion that he can do our job...

Lol

Devrant...
... give me the serenity to accept code that don't work
... The courage to fix code I can
... And the wisdom to find the typo before I throw my pc out of the window.
Amen.

I was hired as JS Dev, done some projects with Angular and Node, after several months my boss told me to maintain a FUCKING PHP webapp with no documentation and shitty codebase. After he saw the results, he told me *man, you got some potential*, and he assigned me to build websites using wordpress(WTF is he thinking!). I thought that was the last time he would do something ridiculous, Yesteday he asked me if i can do Video Animation(After Effects)!!

Boss.

... he is the biggest distraction.

I wonder if the meeting at Rubber ducks quack association goes like this...
Why the hell doesn't my guy see the problem? It's fucking right there! Why don't you see it??? OMG! I request for a change of owner.

When ur boss starts learning coding... Shit just got real.... Now I can't fool him....

Sometimes I really fucking hate this company

The code is an absolute shitshow filled with static classes, untestable and duplicate code, on top of that my boss doesn’t like open source

Yeah so i’m not allowed to use a mapping library or something because “Uhhh like uhh we don’t have a contract with the company so who knows what’ll happen when the maintainers leave the project”
I understand his reasoning but it’s an absolutely retarded reasoning especially considering most of the .NET platform is open source nowadays

Writing a webapp from scratch now as well and I HAVE to use vanilla javascript and AngularJS 1.5 even though all the developers here told me they would like to upgrade to Typescript and Angular 2+ but it’s never gonna happen I suppose

Oh and he doesn’t like TDD and our only product is SAAS so imagine the amount of bugs being pushed simply because we don’t have time to write tests or even manually test, let alone refactor our horseshit codebase

AND i have to pay for gas myself which takes 200€ out of my bank account a month just for driving to work whilst I’m only getting a mediocre pay

Have a job interview tomorrow and another one on tuesday

The story so far...

Have lunch with designer in company, my only friend at the office.

Tell her I am interviewing at other companies, plan on leaving etc.

Few days later get boss starting to inquire about things telling me how great it is to work with me and that they really want me to stay.

Well so much for thinking the designer would keep it confidential.

Boss also alludes to me getting small raise next year.

But then he says that they think he offered good salary to begin with considering 25/hr is 46,000 per year and they offered more. my math brain says whhaaatt???

that does not equate to 46k/yr it equates to 52k/yr. What is he playing at? I correct him, he says he calculated it for 35hrs/wk again whaaat?? A normal work week is 40hrs/wk why would he calculate at 35hr/wk??

This is the type of stuff that irritates me, he tries to pull stuff to guilt me all the time or make it sound better than it really is.

Anyways, I have big decisions to make in the next 2 weeks.

"Because a lot of things in our app can only be tested in production".......

Boss coding.
Boss not fan of tests at all.

"Hey I'm doing all of tests" - boss to me.
"Cool, are they automated? Or do you want me to implement'em?" - me to him

[long speech about why tests are irrelevant including "...once I tested, it is tested, we dont need to have automated tests."] *im teaching you because you dont know voice*

Please, help meeee

when your boss doesn't understand anything you do and introduces you to people as "magic coder"...actually I think I prefer that.

Boss: "Sooo.... How long will it take?"

Me: "Maybe we should agree on some processes and specify your wishes for the new feature first?"

Boss: "Yeah you're right.... But what do you think? Will you get it done til $deadline?"

...

Why am I even trying? Who needs project management anyway?

Found out today my boss told the team lead to put an unfinished part of the software that I'm developing into production so the clients 'could look at it already'. Team lead claims he objected but boss insisted. So now our error logs are filling up with lines every time it silently fails, and the pressure is on even harder to make it work asap. This has been going since the start of the week and I found out about it now. Boss told team lead it looks better to the clients this way. Meanwhile I'm just thanking the heavens this at least couldn't cause data loss. Probably. *panic intensifies*

the dev team freaked our boss out by being overly nice and polite to him for a whole day .
Normally we're pretty laid back and tease one another, so he was pretty worried.
You know you have an awesome and tight-knit team when your boss threatens to fire all of you for being too nice and you can laugh about it.
#AwesomeBoss

boss: we need a server on the cloud
me: we have many of them
boss: cool, we need more
me: for what?
boss: ...

4x4ghz CPU, 16gb of RAM, 100mbps downstream and 1tb ssd... and it took windows only 2 hours and 4 restarts to install an update...WTF

What do you need a boss if you can find the idea, analyze it, design the product, code it, test it, setup the cloud and even do the marketing.

Dear bosses,

I am a developer not a God!

Boss: I'm glad you finished the project in just 25h no-stop
Me: I like cactus

Got 15 days annual leave left from last year. My boss can't afford to send me on leave because we are only 2 developers. The other person really doesn't know what he is doing on coding.

So yes, my boss fucked my annual leave too. I hope he enjoyed it.

me: this is a MSSQL server
boss: cool, which is the username and password of the cpanel?

Boss: I don't know what you're saying, it's all Yoda speak.

Me: Idiot, you are.

*Working on a project with boss, I am working on a mobile app, he is working on web service app.

Me: this service takes user id as parameter to get all account details (all other web services are like that)

Boss: yes, I use the id to filter the data.

Me: but by this, everyone has the id can do anything ! why we do not use session token?

Boss: this is a detail, it is not important !

Me:...

*7 years of experience my ass

Starting from this week my boss started to be pain in my ass. He wants me to do sales more then developer work. I told him on Monday that I can’t do sales because my interest is in coding. My boss said that I have to do whatever he tells me to do because in my contract there is a clause that’s “Any other work that may be assigned by your boss”.

I’ am fucked!

When they are fumigating the office and the boss says they need to spray some more around the programmers desks.

Gotta love it when your boss has a sense of humour.

When your boss uses random buzz words to sound as though they know what they are talking about.

The last night my boss called me at the middle of the night fo some job related tasks.
I was like: Boss! I am your employee, not your wife !

The only reason I'm still using WhatsApp or Facebook is because my classmates have a social group in which they share important information and tbh that's easy than dealing with emails.

Have to deal with bullshittery for one more year.

I'm at a pretty cool company today, learning new stack now. Everyone is helpfull and teaches me a lot.

I remember at my first job, when I just started, my boss sent me a MINIFIED .js file (just one file and nothing else) and said "it doesnt work, please fix this". After OBVIOUSLY not being able to fix it, at that moment, I started to doubt my choice to become a web dev.

I turned out to be pretty okay. But, fucking hell, thinking back, that "ex-boss" of mine could potentially influence my later career decisions and not in a good way.

My ex boss wants me to finish some stuff stuff for his company, which means month or two or more without getting paid, while my current job pays me 5 times more then my previous job.. No way I'll make my priority something that doesn't even give some money. Yes I'm young, yes I learned a lot in your company,but I am paying my bills, I have to eat something, and there is no fucking way I'm going to spend that much time in something that gives me nothing.

So I had this conversation with my boss yesterday...

Me: Hey, I found this bug in the other team's code that has a major impact on what we're trying to do. Can you ask them to look into it?

Boss: No, I don't want to be the one who has to tell them there's a major bug in their code. Find a workaround.

M: But... It isn't really a major bug, it just has a big impact on our side of things.

B: Workaround!

Fuck bosses who value how they think they look to other devs over a day of my time. Fuck.

Yesterday
Boss: Can you export the foo data and send it to me?
Me: Sure
Me (later): Ok, just shared foo.csv with you. It should have everything you need, just let me know if you need the bar data.
Boss: OK, thanks.

Today
Boss: Did you get the foo data exported?
Me: Yes, I shared that with you yesterday
Boss: What did you name it?

This is all in a chat, by the way, not in person. Scrolling for 1.5 seconds reveals all the relevant information.

How do I respond in a way that is not sarcastic and does not belittle my boss? I'm not sure it's even possible.

boss: You should use a Mac pc
me: why?
boss: because, is Apple
me: and?
boss: is better, Apple is better
me: my laptop is more powerful than yours (an Apple)
boss: but your laptop is not Apple
me: and?

...

I still use a Linux/Intel laptop :P

My boss (also a developer) walks in regularly to tell us how annoying it is when her boss is walking in when she is working on something.

So you keep us from working by doing the exact same thing you find annoying? Sometimes I dont mind but sometimes Im doing difficult things you asked me to do, dont get me from my work for something useless....

So we are completely burned out with this project that had a fucking generic contract and my boss never had the balls (and never will) to say no to the client's endless requests and changes...

We are about to deliver it once and for all and they complain about one thing that I have already agreed to my boss that we would not do...
We tell the client that it is the case...

They email everyone involved in the project with a high level of drama on it...

I ask my boss, who is on vacation, on directions as to "how" I should tell them the fuck off...

My boss answer: I'm making a script to solve this issue and to avoid further trouble with it...

Ooo you stupid motherfucker! Can't you see you only bring more trouble with that attitude?

I resigned last month and the boss hired a junior technical support guy instead and senior full stack developer... yes! he call me everyday saying that don't understand servers, perl/php or cloud things

Is it normal for your boss to sell a product when it is only half completed and pick arbitrary deadlines to demo it to potential clients?

Everyone's on my watch list.

Sincerely
Boss.

I'll start an internship as a web developer tomorrow. Boss crashed into my gar today. I pray to god that he's a better boss than a driver

My boss knows nothing about development. JUST buzzwords.

*in regards to a project* Boss: "just write it in PHP; it'll be easy!"

Me: "you know PHP?"

Boss (fully serious): "...enough to be dangerous."

He has never written a line of code in his life, let alone has any clue about what PHP does. Whenever I want to fuel my rage, I think about this moment.

My boss wants to be asynchronous with php. Then to render the backend async he wants to use beanstalk using python to be scalable.

I said : we can use node.js it's already asynchronous. And we don't care about the langage php python...

Boss : node.js isn't scalable, there is no security it's not good enough, it's not enough safe. I code with php since 15 years and it's better than node. To much problem in the node.js version 0.12.

OK BUT NOW WE HAVE NODEJS VERSION 6 LTS. WAKE UP. OMG I GIVE IT UP LET'S GO.

My boss was fired and now I have to answer to his boss. "I have this issue with your product, can you make it mire idiot prood?" Well, sure, we just didn't met so persistent idiot up to now...

This was a computer in my university 's lab. Took a photo of that to send my boss when I won't be able to meet a deadline.

That kind of boss who give you a task one minute before you leave your desk to home.
Me inside: I hate you, very much, sir.

ex boss: can you fix this website... for free?

me: lol! ... are you being serius about It?

Working on a new project at work; all_of_a_sudden boss goes:

"A client needs the current software to do this thing, can u do it"

Me: "Yea, sure"

One week later: "Yea, Im not feeling this, can we change this, that, and--what the heck is that?"

Me: "😑 aaaaa the exact changes u wanted"

Boss:"Well, lets change (A list of stuff and new things added)

Me: Sigh....

So, i live in Venezuela, a country with a lot of economical and political issues. Back in December I talked to my boss an ask for a pay raise, he talked me a lot of shit about economical issues his has been having with the Enterprise and give my a raise plan til July (starting in December).

Now he comes to me and tell me he can't afford to pay me the rest of the raise, because he's now in difficult times. The funny thing is I've talked to him many times to point it out some things that are bad and will cause him money loss.

I really don't want to go because I love the people I'm working with (they have the same problem that I) but is fucking frustrating when all is going wrong and you have some ideas to solve it, ideas you have searched a lot and came with a plan after a bunch of investigation, you come up with the plan everybody seems to love it but after that nobody applies it.

I think there is no much more I can do

When your boss force you to go to client land and do some socializing, for God sake I'm a developer not a f***en public relations employee

My usual day at work, as a Designer.
Boss: Wow! Awesome design. Great work. I loved it.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: But wait, I have some change suggestions.
(After a while, gives 10-15 change suggestions that will completely change the overall design)

FUUUUUCK I just sent a dick pick to my boss...

When your egghead boss (who is a dev, BTW) fails miserably in understanding that JavaScript fetch does not behave like the default synchronous nature of requests in Python.

After failing to make him learn about the asynchronous nature of JavaScript promises, he ends the discussion by saying "that's why python is better than js"
*facepalm*

Taken a day off due to sickness, boss calls and said “can you fix an error on xyz website? it's urgent.”
I said No, I'm in hospital I can't. Even though I was at home.
He said “please look once whenever you'll reach home.”
Me: “sure.”
Idiot got no chill.
GFY

Junior dev told me that he would like to use a powerful editor, I forced him to use only VI for 30 min, now my boss sent me an email about "appropriate training methods" for the colleagues.

When you point out a bug for the first time on a popular library and your issue has been reopened with apologies and given the bug tag.

Feel like a boss after struggling with the problem for 14 days haha

Got married. Best day of my life. Woke up the next morning to my wife on one side and a fuck load of messages from my boss asking me to fix shit. Quit shortly thereafter.

Wow thanks play music for the handy navigation shortcut. Now I can hear the previous songs again and again! 😑

Oh, you're encrypting user data
Your boss: write the encryption key on notepad or paper

Boss yelled at lead mobile dev for low productivity because the project manager present him wrong timetables and added accidentally one more week of work.

Next day boss yelled at the lead mobile dev cause the back end wasnt working well.

Project manager and lead back end developer enjoy life! Front is hell :P

Non developer boss gets excited and praises your talent in writing a simple gui app. Gets angry when you refuse to write an algorithm to semantically infer the topic of discussion from a given text.

I don't get it. Why the **** is windows update the slowest shit on earth. I'm sitting in front of an PC. Last update is 6 month ago. Windows take about 20 minutes to find out which patches are needed and now... Over 1h later... Not even half of them are done.
My Linux PC take about 5-10 minutes even if I haven't turn on it for a while.

My boss just yelled at our devops guy because he caught the DO intern watching Twitch while he was eating lunch at his desk. Why even care?

this kind of pull request reviewers.. lol

Fuck exposure!
May be you should get some exposure of how things work😒

When your non-programmer boss thinks after explaining a program design to you, his sitting by you and staring at your screen will help you code it faster...

So recently I started to observe a little upgrade in the Google's searching algorithm. The next suggestion in Google's search box is depending more on my immediate preceding search. It's so good that its starting to creep the hell out of me.

So this came up when I was trying to search for length property in JS.

My boss (manager) this morning before getting his coffee.

The new company I'll work in told me that I have to use windows because they have an ad and Linux login does not work proper with it...

In my past job,

Boss: We need to send the build by day end. Here is the FTP details you asked for.
Me: But password is missing in it..
Boss: I dont care, do whatever you can do... google is there.. fix it anyhow...
Me: ......(Banging head on wall).....

The sales person who is sort of my boss walked in today and asked/told me:

Sales: We are using Bluemix, right?
Me: Yes?
Sales: Learn everything about it.
Me: Explain?
Sales: Spend 2 hours a day for the next 2 months studying up. You don't get less other responsibilities. Your commute is 1 hour each way, right? Put on some videos!
Me: ...
Sales: Bye!

My old boss used to deploy sometimes at the last second. I was about to walk out of the office (friday at around 5:30pm) when he said "Oh wait i wanted to deploy this website you've created" Before i could argue he deployed the website and ofcourse it broke in production..
This caused me to stay for another hour and a half in order to fix it...

When you debug all day, and at the end only thing that boss sees are 3 line changes in git commit.

Me : There is a hotfix needs to be done.

Boss : So what ?

Me : Its assigned to you from last 2 weeks and deadlines are near.

Boss: (speaking politely) oh.. is it? Can you take a look ?

Me : ..

Stupid fucking idiot startup asshole hired me as an intern. Promised me the money after the work is done. We were friendly during the internship. The work is done and now it's been a week and still no money yet. He's saying it'll take some time. To beat you to shit it'll take some time you asshole!

Lesson learned: Never ever be friendly with the guy who hires you. Like never!!

Also money later isn't a good thing.

Lol, my boss wanted me to sign a one year contract for a shitty money, because "that's the standard in it". Well... no.

MFW my boss asks me to rework a feature and have it ready for a demo in 30 min...

one of those days where the boss has his weekly amnesia and completely forgot an agreed feature discussion.. sigh..

How do you deal with a boss that is not very intelligent, but fights you, your team, executive management and project stakeholders on critical system design decisions?

Everyone else is worn out, the project is long overdue and I'm running out of energy, myself. Do I just do what everyone else does and let him have his way and prepare myself to deal with the imminent problems ahead, or do I keep fighting for a well designed system that customers will enjoy using?

My over promising boss is upset that something that used to work doesn't work now because support decided it had to be changed. We took it apart to rebuild it and it's only partially finished right now. Says he can't show it to clients like this. Well no we told you it wouldn't be ready for the deadline you forced upon us, even before the requested changes, but instead of listening you tell us not to argue and just get it done.

My boss drives me crazy. He hired me for working on his SDK which is game related. So I am responsible for basically everything, including an ingame UI (menu etc.) and to predict the future path of a game object (unit, minion, ..) when a certain spell is casted on it. For that task I divided the prediction into firstly getting the predicted path of the unit without a spell being casted and then a class that would cast the spell on that path and estimate the units reaction to that cast. Simplified, but that way you get a pretty okayish result. Now he thinks that is too complicated. "Can we not put everything into one class, if someone wants to replace the prediction he needs to read documentation for hours". WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT, THAT IT'S GONNA BE SOME ONE CLASS 3K LINES MAGIC??

Same for the GUI. We only have DirectX and don't want to use a framework. Guess what, it's more than one class if you want to seperate view, model, controller or whatever fucking "design pattern" thing you use.

And then Git... he seriously said let's not use branches till release, I feel like they slow down things.. before I was there they did every operation on master.

And if it was just that..

/rant

I put much work into this, time to leave?

Story about my old boss:

I was doing a lot of work in an area that had a data property and a method to build an object. I noticed a reset method that iterated all that objects properties, found the matching data from the data object, passed that data through some logic to format it and then assigned that value to the object property.

As part of my PR I removed that method, since data wasn't changing, and simply called the create method again with data.

The result of tidying the code base and putting it up for review before a merge? I get told I have no respect for my boss's code, that I am undermining him, that I need to be more considerate and respectful of other people's work and that I am no longer allowed to change any code he has written in the code base (half the code base) without talking to him about it first, before it goes up for review. Also if he is working on an area I cannot change anything - not even 1 character (he is working on the core of the app).

Every day there I was so confused :D

My boss was gossiping about all the staffs except me and the other person who was listening to him. I was coding and not part of the conversation.

What do you guys think, is he fit to be a boss and a leader?

boss: when you come back from your days off, bring ready the new app version
me: wtf

I'm tired of my boss complaining about anything Microsoft when he uses it all the time and can't even code anything

The best QA in the world is your boss. He always jump in and ask you to show him something that is not completed yet. He then acts like a professional and points out the red is not red enough... You have no word, mark down all the design changes, pass a message to designer, and then, finally, You forgot what's going on in your mind!!! And it takes another hour for you to resume your memory back....

Postpone this one last time!???
The fuck you think you are Windows.